15/11/2011 EastEnders

"Ho, ho, ho."

-Are you joking?

-What?

That's foreign!

It's Dutch, innit?

That's all right. There's a lot of Dutch speakers in Walford(!)

Apparently the Amish community are setting up on George Street.

And they'll be into singing Santas?

-Come on, darl. You know how much we love a challenge.

-Living with you is a challenge.

-That's the spirit.

-Why are they here anyway?

Tyler needed somewhere to stash them, that's all. Ah, talk of the devil.

-You are out of order.

-Look, I was doing you a favour, all right? I was just doing what comes naturally.

Shut up now, you pair of tarts. You ready for a brisk day's trading?

Yes! Listen.

TOY SPEAKS CHRISTMAS MESSAGE IN DUTCH

Give us a full English, please, Shirl.

-That'll be 4.50.

-Right.

-You got a problem?

-Yeah. Sure I had a 20 in here earlier.

-Yeah. Don't pull that old stroke.

-No, really. I did. I swear.

All right, pops? Check out my new Fuggs.

-Don't put 'em on the table.

-Whatever. £20 on the market. What a bargain.

Guess that's your mystery solved.

-Do you like them?

-Yeah, seeing as how I paid for them.

I didn't think you'd mind. Look on them as an early Christmas present.

-What have I told you about taking things without asking?

-All right, sorry.

If you're off school, you'll have to pull your weight more.

I could just get a job.

-What, just like that?

-Yeah. Why not?

-You cannot let a girl...

-Or girls.

-Or girls, thank you, Tyler. ..come between you two.

Because no girl is worth it.

Cheers. Is that right?

No, hold on, except my beautiful wife who is an exception to the rule.

Come on lads, own up. Jodie and Poppy, they're nice enough.

-No, Alfie, they're more than nice.

-And to be fair, mate, when it comes to relationship advice, you suck.

Thank you, Tyler. They're not exactly...

-They're not exactly marriage material, are they?

-Who wants to get married?

-You two, one day.

You can laugh all you want, but all this jumping from bed to bed with different birds,

one day you'll meet the right girl and realise this argument is hot fuss over nothing.

-He is like a dog on heat.

-He's too sensitive.

-Come on!

Girls, girls, shut up. There's only one way to decide this, right?

This is by Moon mortal combat.

Or better still, who gets rid of the most of these at the end the day.

-You are toast.

-Yeah? Well, you're burnt toast.

-That don't even make sense.

I don't care how you shift 'em, just get them out the front room.

Come on, you heard the lady. Let's go, chop, chop. Let's move it. Go, go, go.

There you go, take that with you. That's it.

-She wouldn't.

-Why not? It's just her style.

She was only a little kid at the time.

-As far as she knew, it was an accident.

-Yeah, well, we'll soon see what she knows.

Phil...don't do anything hasty.

As if.

Get your Santas, singing Santas! All right, Mrs Beale? Anthony Moon, at your service.

It's Ms Clarke, actually. But just call me Jane.

All right, Jane, Tyler Moon. How about some Christmas lights?

-How about a singing Santa?

-I'll even put 'em up.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

I'm offended, I thought we had something special. Right, two packs do you?

-Oh, all right, then.

-I hope you've got an adaptor.

These lights have got that European plug on 'em.

Oh, right. I think I'll just leave it.

-How about a singing Santa?

-It's not really my thing.

-They're down with the kids at the moment.

-Really?

-Yeah. Little Bobby would love it. Be a great present.

-Go on, then.

Long as he speaks Dutch.

Just a little minor technical hitch, that's all.

"Ho, ho, ho".

D'you know, it's OK, really. I think I'll pass.

-Hello, boys. You having a nice day?

-What do you want?

-A job.

-You can forget about that, can't you?

-I could flog this gear, no problem.

-Might be worth giving her a go.

-What, so she can just set fire to everything again?

-Forget it.

She can't be doing no worse than you.

-Let's see by tonight who's sold the most then, yeah?

-Deal.

-Loser. Loser.

-You're hired.

Right, they got European plugs on 'em, right? Don't show the customers...

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

You're lucky to have caught me in, I only just got back from the launderette.

Oh, that is fortuitous.

I was just passing and I thought I'd pop in

and drop off the advent rotas.

Oh, how very kind. Would you like a tea and a slice of my jam sponge?

Actually I'm just on my way to a Mayoral banquet.

Oh, how very grand.

Yes, indeed. And I was wondering if maybe you might like to accompany me.

Well, I'm not sure about that. Sounds a bit stuffy to me.

Nonsense.

It's an honour to be invited to such an important occasion.

Oh, well, in that case I'd be delighted.

Perhaps you'd like to come as well, Mrs Branning?

Me?

Of course. As my most cherished parishioner.

Oh, well, if you put it like that, I can hardly refuse, can I?

The same price as the last lot. Just drop 'em at the club.

Make sure she's not there when you do. Yeah. Cheers.

Surprise!

-Jane!

-Hello!

Hello, you.

Tan, are you all right? You don't look too well.

Yes, of course I am. No, I've had this flu thing. I can't shift it, that's all.

Look, if you're that ill, I can always come back a bit later.

No, don't be silly. Don't be silly. Come on in. Hello!

So you didn't hear anything she was saying to him?

Since when does anyone ever listen to what Janine has to say? What's this all about?

I think it's Janine who's behind these photos and everything.

-Janine?! Why would she do that?

-Why does Janine do anything?

-I still reckon it's one of your ex bunny boilers.

-Give it a rest!

I reckon it's Janine and I'm going to prove it.

-All right, calm down, Sherlock. I'm just saying.

-I just don't need any earache on top of all this.

You still coming down The Vic later on?

Nah. I've got some business to sort out down the club.

Suit yourself.

What you looking at, freak?

So can you do it?

Can Fats fix it? Yes, he can, bruv!

Sweet!

Here we go, Mrs Moon. Nice and tidy for you now?

-Yeah, you've done well.

-Thank you.

Girls, girls, your lunch is in the kitchen, let's go.

Kat, please can Tiff have a sleepover tonight?

-Yeah, course she can.

-We need to make cakes for Children in Need.

-You are talking to an award-winning chef, all right?

-Yeah, right(!)

-I can make the best beans on toast this side of Walford.

-Can you make cup cakes?

Yes, I can make cup cakes. I can make cup cakes, tea cakes. All sorts of cakes.

Come on, listen, never mind talking. Eat your lunch, next door. Let's go. Chop, chop, chop! Go, go!

-They're great, aren't they?

-Wait till they're a bit older and their hormones kick in.

I know, they don't stay young for too long, do they?

That's why we should make the most of Tommy before he grows up.

Santa... Talking Santa?

A-ha, Mrs Evans. You're looking particularly lovely today.

-What are you after?

-Can I interest you in some Christmas lights?

-No, thanks.

Come on, they match your earrings.

Why don't you save the patter for someone who weren't born yesterday?

Well, you certainly weren't born yesterday. What are you, 102?

Old enough to have seen a stream of gobby little mares like you

pass through this manor over the years.

All of them thought they were something special and you know what? None of 'em were.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-What are you doing?

-I told you I'd get a job.

Did you nick 'em?

Why do you always think the worst of me?

I don't, all right? I'm just looking out for you.

All right, see ya.

And I've had the police on the phone.

Woah, that's terrible.

Seems there's a shipment of dodgy Dutch Christmas goods doing the rounds.

Oh. That's really bad.

Yeah, exactly. And the police are planning a clamp down.

They're very keen on arrests.

Yeah, well they would be, in their line of work.

And in your position as landlord, you obviously hear things.

Mr Lister, you'd be amazed at some of the things I hear.

Enough to make your hair curl. Sorry, no offence.

None taken. So, I was wondering if maybe you could keep your ear to the ground.

Course I will, listen, my eyes and my ears are well and truly peeled.

And if I hear anything, Mr Lister, I promise you'll be first to know, my friend.

OK, you take care.

Don't worry about it.

Anthony, it's Alfie. Listen, change of plan.

Then Zainab forgave Yusef and let him stay.

And when Mas found out, that's when he walked out for good.

Right into your arms. How's it going with you two?

Great. Apart from never really getting much time alone.

What with Mas at the B&B and me with Syed and Amira.

Yeah. How is the princess?

Secretly glad to have got rid of Christian.

And generally...challenging.

Yeah, see, that's it.

I have visions of her making Syed scatter rose petals wherever she walks.

And peeling her grapes.

Filling her bath with asses' milk.

-Ian tried that once, you know.

-Stop it.

-No, no. But he was so tight, he used semi-skimmed instead.

-I've missed you.

-Me too.

And I've really missed having someone to talk to.

So, Tanya, how are you coping without having a man in your life?

Oh, I'm fine.

-Yeah. Really?

-Yes. Men are overrated, ain't they?

Well, when you're ready to have a relationship again,

you'll have them queuing up. Just like always.

So...any other gossip I should know about?

No. Same old, same old. You know what it's like round here.

No, no, I can't. I've got to get home.

-I promised Bobby I'd bake cakes for school.

-Oh, right.

Tell you what, why don't we go for a drink tonight?

Yes, I'd love to.

Well, that passed the time a little bit.

-You fancy a bit of lunch?

-No, I can't, got to get back to work.

-All work and no play.

-Yes, makes Janine a very wealthy woman.

Although, I might be able to schedule a little bit of time in tonight

for some meaningless escapism if you fancy it.

Yeah? I'll check my diary.

-You do that.

-All right. Vic, drink first? I know how to treat a bird.

Oh, come on, what, like a proper date?

Maybe.

OK. Could be fun.

All right.

I said to him, it might say bed and breakfast above the door,

but honey, if you want feeding, get yourself out of my bed and make your own breakfast.

-Sounds like you've got a keeper there(!)

-Please!

One day your prince will come.

-If Bealey can bag wife number five, there's hope for all of us!

-You're not wrong.

-Alfie, can I have a word?

-Yeah, course you can.

What's all that stuff doing back in the living room?

Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry, just that Lister was sniffing around

-so we had to get it shifted, that's all.

-I want it moved. Now!

Tell you what, why don't you and Kim get your gladrags on,

go and have a night out. When you get back it'll all be gone.

-Now we're talking.

-What about the kids and their cakes?

-I can take care of them.

-Nah, I'm not really in the mood.

-Well, I am.

Count yourself lucky your man is giving you a night off.

-That's right, sister, can I have an amen?

-Amen!

I am known as the epitome of the enlightened model male.

Regular Mary Poppins, eh? Practically perfect in every way.

-Yes, thank you. Don't get my missus into any trouble, all right?

-Me?

-Enjoy your chat with your journalist mate?

-Did you break in?

-I suppose you think you're clever.

-You'll pay for the damage to that door.

That door is the least of your worries, trust me.

-What do you want?

-You've been a naughty girl, Janine.

Philip, I never had you down as the role-play type.

Don't mess me about, all right?

You think this is funny, do you, eh?

Think it's funny dragging up the past? So what are you after?

Some sort of revenge for your old man? Because don't think he was innocent in what happened.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-I told you, don't mess me about. I know it was you.

So what did you say to that journalist pal of yours?

Oh, yeah, I told him everything. All about your dodgy swan roast.

But it seems like the dodgy swan roast is the least of your worries.

Why exactly are you getting so worked up about this?

And what did you mean when you said my dad wasn't innocent?

You stay out of my business. You hear me?

And the results for the Christmas stock selling bonanza are in.

And the winner is...drum roll...

Tyler.

Yes! Which means you don't get to mention the girls again.

No, no, but...

Oi, oi, a bet's a bet, all right, mush? Ah, Mr. Lister. How are you, sir? Any joy in your search?

Sadly not. It seems as if they got wind and moved on.

At least you saw 'em off one way or another. Fancy a drink? On the house.

-Very kind.

-What would you like?

-Bitter top?

-Us law-abiding citizens should stick together.

Hey, check this out, bruv!

And where did you get that from?

This? This...

This...I got...

live and direct from the mean streets of Brixton, bruv.

-Is that right?

-Uh-huh.

In that case, you don't mind if I take a little look at it?

No...not at all. Go for it.

TOY PLAYS JINGLE BELLS

"Ho, ho, ho, this is your MC Fat wishing you a jingle-icious Christmas!"

That certainly isn't Dutch.

Mind you, I'm not sure it's exactly English, either.

It's not, bruv, it's 100% fluent Fats, you get me?

All right, Fats. Good to see you.

-Bitter top?

-Yes, please, thank you.

"Ho, ho, ho..."

-Right, we all set then?

-Yeah.

-PHONE BEEPS

Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah. Just Masood.

Kim and Denise are out for the evening and he's got the place to himself.

You should go.

No, what about our night out?

No. We can go out anytime.

You should go. Just go.

I insist.

Thank you.

-I will make this up to you, I promise.

-Have a good one.

Where's Jane gone?

She got a better offer.

-That's a bit out of order, ain't it?

-No. Can't be helped, can it?

Did you...tell her about..?

No.

Why not?

I was enjoying having a laugh and a chat.

Tell you what, why don't I come out with you instead?

Oh, you don't have to do that.

No, I want to.

Besides, shame not to now you've gone to all that effort.

All right.

So I came out on top. Thanks to you. Good work.

-All right?

-All right.

-What was all that about?

That's who I was flogging the gear for. Told you I didn't steal it.

Oh, right. Sounds like you did good.

-Yeah. I sold out.

-So what you going to spend the money on?

-Already have.

-Lo, you were meant to be earning to pay me back for them boots.

Yeah, I know, but I saw this and just had to get it.

Think of it as an early Christmas present.

Not that you deserve it.

-Eh?

-Go on, open it.

For when you carry the Olympic flame.

Couldn't have you running around like a canary in that horrible yellow thing.

Going to buy me a drink to say thanks?

Don't push it. Go on. Get yourself home.

And Lo, thanks.

You're a good kid.

-Now go on, hop it.

-See you later.

-See ya.

Yes!

Oh, thank you ever so much, Vicar, for the delightful dinner.

Even if some people did take advantage of the free bar.

Got to get it while you can, haven't you?

Here, what about your announcement?

Oh, yes, right. Of course.

Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention, please?

Quiet, please!

I've just come from the Mayor's dinner and I have some very exciting news.

-You ain't been defrocked, have ya?

-Shirley Carter. Show some respect.

-Perhaps you should make the announcement, Mrs Branning.

-What, me? No, no, it ain't my place.

Well, someone tell us what's happening then.

The Olympic flame is coming to Walford!

CHEERING

-And you know who's going to be carrying that bad boy, don't ya!

-Yeah.

Me.

GIRLS GIGGLING

Girls, what are you still doing up, eh?

-This is well wicked.

-Can I have one?

-They're not really...

-Can I have one as well?

Ah, here she is. Ready for your night out?

I don't have to go out, if you don't want me to.

-No. You enjoy yourself, my princess.

-Princesses don't wear leopard-print dresses.

-Excuse me, young lady, princesses come in all shapes and sizes, all right?

-Like in Shrek.

-Exactly.

And while some people might think Princess Kathleen is a bit of an ogre...

-Charming!

-..she is, in fact, the most beautiful princess in the whole world

and she has the biggest heart in the land.

When I grow up, I want to marry someone just like you.

Ah, thanks, Tiff. Right, go on, both of you! Bed. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

All right? Janine been in?

Psst. Oi, cloth ears!

Still giving me the silent treatment, are you?

Fine. Would have been boring anyway, I suspect.

Service is slow tonight, innit?

Should you even be drinking with your treatment?

Tell you what, I'll do you a deal.

You don't mention my treatment and, umm...

And, umm..?

Can I have two G&Ts, please? Make 'em doubles.

I think you've got yourself a deal.

All right?

All right?

Something I should know?

Nope.

I must apologise for my sister, Vicar.

-For butting in like that and stealing your thunder.

-That's perfectly all right.

The important thing is that we spread the word.

Well, I know Jesus said spread the word, but it's hardly the same thing.

Rose, it's time we went.

I'm fine here. You do what you like.

Arthur, would you be so kind as to escort me home?

Absolutely, Mrs B.

Here... and whatever Patrick's having.

Not for me, thank you.

Come on, have a drink with me.

I know Phil's been a berk to you, but he's a berk to everyone.

OK then, if you put it that way... I'll have a rum.

That's the spirit. Forgive and forget. Oi, Vicar.

What's it say in the Bible about forgiveness?

Well, there are many bits in the Bible about forgiveness.

But my personal favourite is from Colossians...

"Bear with each other

"and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.

"Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Nah, that's not it. But it'll do.

To forgiveness.

ALL: To forgiveness.

Wow, it is ram-jammed with talent in here tonight. Hello, boys...

Now, I just need to decide who is going to be the lucky recipient of some unadulterated Kimberley.

Oh, hello, come to mama. Cooee!

-Get off!

-What you doing here?

Don't worry, I haven't come to ask for my job back, all right?

I just...thought you might need a bit of company.

Yeah, well, I don't. So clear off.

You about to have a drink, were you?

What's it to you if I was?

I care about... I care about you drinking, that's what.

-You don't care about anyone but yourself.

-Is that what you think?

Just go, will you?

What's wrong?

Look at our history. You can tell me.

-Why won't you just tell me?

-Cos it's in the past and that's where it should stay.

If it's got something to do with my dad, I've got a right to know.

-You're better off not knowing. Trust me, please.

-This is just so typical of you.

Y'know, lording it over me as usual. Keeping me in the dark.

You are still trying to drive a wedge between me and my dad

even after all these years.

OK, fine. I'll tell you.

But you won't like it.

Yes, yes, you can both have a Fatboy Santa, all right?

-Now go to sleep, you two.

-Night, Alfie.

-Love you, Alfie.

-You're back early!

-Yeah, I'm a bit old for all that lark.

Listen to you, Kat Moon, party girl extraordinaire,

hanging up her party shoes.

Yeah, that'll be the day. Anyway, the two horrors are in bed.

And Tommy Moon is fast a-kip, all right?

-Mary Poppins strikes again.

-You better believe it.

Tell you what, why don't you go next door, put your feet up.

I'll bring in your knitting and a lovely hot cup of milk.

-I'm not quite there yet.

-We will be one day. And you know what I reckon?

-What?

Be the best days of our lives. Can see it now, me in my West Ham slippers, smoking a pipe like that.

You in your leopard-print support tights with a zimmer frame.

-Sounds perfect.

-And we'll be old and wrinkly, but we won't care cos we'll have each other.

And obviously Tommy Moon taking care of us.

And maybe other little Moons running around. Obviously not straight away. But that...

Alfie...

That'd be more up to you...

-Alfie.

-While the kids are asleep, me and you can start practising, eh?

I cheated on you.

I've been with someone else.

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