Branded Dad's Army


Branded

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My favourite episode is Branded,

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and it features dear old Private Godfrey,

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played by Arnold Ridley.

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You want to speak to me, Sir?

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Yes, I did, Godfrey. Sit down, will you? Thank you.

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Private Godfrey lives with his two sisters,

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Dolly and Cissy,

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in a little cottage, Rosebud Cottage.

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It's very twee, just on the outsides of Walmington-on-Sea.

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Oh, come in, sir, come in. What are you doing here, Godfrey?

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I thought you were out with the platoon at Eastgate.

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It's my night at the clinic, sir.

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Well, get your rifle and helmet. The invasion's on.

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Now, he looked after the platoon, He made the tea,

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and he repaired their uniforms when it was necessary.

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And here's your coffee...

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Oh, thank you.

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Ah, it's the wrong one, Godfrey!

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Oh!

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The other one's wrong, too!

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Ah. Ah!

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Life was very tranquil,

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until one day, a bombshell hit it.

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He told Captain Mainwaring...

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I was a conscientious objector.

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Oh, I see.

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You were what?!

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A conscientious objector.

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A conchie...?

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Captain Mainwaring went mad.

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Get out!

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Sir, don't you, er...

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Don't you think, Sir, you're being a little bit harsh?

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Harsh?

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Harsh, Wilson? Yes.

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The fact we've been harbouring a damned conchie in our midst?

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And so they all give their opinions and ostracise poor old Godfrey.

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Suddenly there's an awfy queer smell round here.

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Come on, boys, it's time we were getting back on patrol.

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When we told Arnold that we'd written a part especially for him

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he was absolutely delighted, and when he read the script, he said,

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"Jimmy, even if he just says quite simple things,

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"it's good to mention 'conchies', as they were called,

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"because they went through hell, a lot of them,

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"and a lot of them had high principles.

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"And, er, I'm very honoured to play it."

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By a strange coincidence,

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John Laurie and Arnold Ridley had both served in the First World War.

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And both served in the Battle of the Somme,

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that terrible, terrible carnage.

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And 20,000 British soldiers were killed

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in the first day of the battle.

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Now, John Laurie managed to come through it OK,

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but Arnold Ridley was dreadfully badly wounded, three times.

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Jones has got a bout of malaria.

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Have we got anything we can give him?

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I don't know. Oh, yes, I've got aspirins, bicarbonate of soda,

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yes, and some ointment for wasp stings.

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Wasp stings?

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This is a fighting unit, not a Girl Guides' outing!

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What would you do if one of us was wounded?

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We all knew about the war.

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I think perhaps, maybe I'm wrong, that's what gives Dad's Army,

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as Clint Eastwood says in Pale Rider,

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gives it that little bit of edge.

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Anyhow, watch the show. You'll like it.

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It turns out happily, so don't worry, but it's quite serious

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and, in the end, dear Private Godfrey

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is proved to have more courage than all the rest of them put together.

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# Who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler, If you think we're on the run?

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# We are the boys Who will stop your little game,

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# We are the boys Who will make you think again.

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# cos who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done?

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# Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.21,

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# But he comes home each evening And he's ready with his gun.

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# So who do you think You are kidding, Mr Hitler,

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# If you think old England's done? #

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Now, tonight, Captain Mainwaring is going to be a little late,

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so he's asked me to take the training programme. Can we have a smoke?

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I'd rather you didn't. All right.

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We're going to do some stalking: how to creep up on an enemy sentry.

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Taffy's the biggest "creeper" here!

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Settle down.

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I am an expert stalker.

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I was one of the finest stalkers in the Highlands!

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^ And a chatterbox in the Lowlands(!)

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We want someone to creep up ON.

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I'd like to volunteer to be crept up on.

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No, you always volunteer. We need someone else to be the enemy sentry.

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I'd like to be the enemy...

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We must give the others a chance. Godfrey, you be the enemy sentry.

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You need something to sit on...

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I volunteer to be sat on... Jones!

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Get the chair from the office.

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Frazer, you seem to know about this. Could you put us in the picture?

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Aye, sir. PAY ATTENTION, EVERYBODY.

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Now, you approach your quarry from behind, and you always keep downwind of him.

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Why? So he doesnae get your scent.

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Humans can't smell humans! You're not standing where I am! You can't talk to me like that!

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PAY ATTENTION!! Now, I'll give you a demonstration.

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Stand back.

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I'm creeping up on the sentry.

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Now, I'm picking my feet up and putting them doon very carefully.

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It's most important that you watch where you're putting your feet.

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Especially in a field of cows. Walker, please!

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You might step on a dry twig - SNAP! - and the enemy sentry would be at yer throat!

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Aaargh! Have you gone mad!? So always remember to watch where you put yer feet.

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Ah, thank you, Godfrey. Put it down.

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Now, will somebody blindfold him?

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I volunteer to blindfold him, sir! There's no need to get so fussed. But you keep leaving me out!

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Oh, just do it and then spin him round.

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This reminds me of playing Putting the Tail on the Donkey as a child.

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That was a good game. They don't play games like that any more.

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And Postman's Knock and Sardines.

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I didn't like Sardines. He didn't like Sardines. All right!

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Now, spread out and creep up on Godfrey.

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Godfrey, if you hear anything, spin round, point your finger and pretend to shoot him. Try it.

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Pop.

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Was that all right? Not quite(!)

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Right, are you all ready?

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We've arrived, Mr Godfrey...

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Come on, Godfrey, come along! Oh, dear... I must have dropped off.

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I've had a tiring day at the clinic.

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I'm sure(!) I'LL be the sentry.

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I'll have the whistle... Just a minute! You'll strangle me!

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I'll blow for you. I'd be very grateful. I find that very difficult.

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Right, everybody ready? Yes, sir.

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There we are, sir. Now, then, ready to go. Right...

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Ready...

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Bang!

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All right, I know I'm dead. I thought you were the platoon, sir.

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I didn't realise I was so heavy-footed(!) Can I see you in the office? Sir.

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Carry on, Jones. Sir. I'll take the chair this time!

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(Let's have a cup of tea. That's the best idea ye've had!)

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Everybody ready? Right, let's go.

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Shut the door, Wilson, please. Sir.

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Read this letter. Yes, sir... It's addressed to YOU. Read it.

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Why would Godfrey write to you...? You'll find out.

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"Dear sir, I regret that I must tender to you my resignation.

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"Owing to personal reasons, I can no longer remain a member of the platoon.

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"So I must ask you to accept my two weeks' notice as from now.

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"Your obedient servant, Charles Godfrey."

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Pity. We'll miss him. What do you mean, "Miss him"!? He can't just leave like that!

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But he's given you two weeks' notice.

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This is WAR, not Sainsbury's!

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Get him in here to explain himself!

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Let's see that rota...

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Monday: Number One section on patrol.

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2250: Godfrey puts on kettle. 2258: Godfrey makes tea ready for return of patrol at 2300.

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Tuesday: Number Three section on patrol at Novelty Rock Emporium.

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2330: Godfrey arrives at Emporium. 2350: makes tea for patrol.

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No, I couldn't let HIM go. He's far too valuable.

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KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

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You wanted to see me, sir? Yes, Godfrey, sit down. Thank you.

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Don't go, Wilson. I may need you.

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Godfrey, what's the meaning of this? I'm afraid it means I have to leave, sir.

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You feel too old for active service?

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No, not really. What, then?

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Well, the other morning I got up as usual to make early morning tea.

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Till recently, we've had a very good tea from the Army and Navy Stores,

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but now we put up with anything.

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I quite agree. Some of the stuff we've been getting is terrible...

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Do you mind!? What has this got to do with your leaving?

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Where was I? About to make the tea.

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Oh, yes. I went to the larder and I saw something which made me realise I couldn't carry on.

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What on earth was that? A mouse.

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A mouse!?

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Yes. It had fallen into this pudding basin and was running round and round, trying to get out.

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I knew I ought to kill it, because we've been infested by mice,

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but when I got hold of it I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

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What DID you do? I took it to the garden and let it go.

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Godfrey, I'm still not clear what this has to do with your leaving the platoon.

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If I can't kill a mouse, how could I kill a German? So why did you join the Home Guard?

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I thought it would be different from the last time. But we need every man we can get.

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What do you mean, "Different from last time"?

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I was a conscientious objector during the last war. I see... WHAT!?

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A conscientious objector.

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A conchie...!? You mean... you didn't want to fight...!? Not really, sir.

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Well...I can't believe this, Godfrey, I just can't believe it!

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I think...you'd better go home.

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You don't want me to do anything more for you tonight? No, just go!

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I'm sorry about this, Captain. I can only hope that my service has given every satisfaction.

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(Get out!)

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Don't you think you're being a little harsh, sir? "Harsh," Wilson!? Yes...

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We've a damn conchie in our midst! A man must follow his own inclinations.

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Where would the country be if we ALL felt like that!?

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Suppose you visited Mrs Pike and you found a Nazi stormtrooper forcing his attentions on her.

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How would you feel? Really, sir! That strikes home, doesn't it?

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Rather an old-fashioned argument.

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So I'm old-fashioned! I can't stand cranks!

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Imagine, a man not wanting to fight! It isn't normal! So what are you going to do, sir?

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I WANT to give him the Rogues' March! Rogues' March...?

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They used to do it in the Army.

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They paraded cowards in front of the men,

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tore off their epaulettes, broke their sword in half... Oooh!

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But Godfrey's wearing a denim suit.

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All right! Get the men on parade.

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What will you tell them? The truth! I can tear his epaulettes off verbally, if not physically!

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# I'm nobody's baby... #

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What's the big mystery, Jonesy? All I know is that Mr Mainwaring said to come on parade.

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I think he's got a special announcement... Where's Godfrey?

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He went home half an hour ago. I think he had tears in his eyes.

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Oh, if I was Mainwaring, I'd give him something to cry about!

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Right... Platoon, ATTEN'SHUN!

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At ease.

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In the 14 months that we've been together...

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In these 14 months, we've put up with many trials and tribulations...

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What is it!? Will you be long? I have something to say to the men!

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As I was saying...

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Many trials and tribulations... Why's he standing on a box?

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Well... Is that the only way he can get the men to look up to him(!)

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Sh! SH!

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Yes, sh!

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Long hours...

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Don't ssshhh me! I'm here to ask you about the Civil Defence exercise on Saturday!

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You'll have to wait. We'll see!

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..for the constant threat of invasion.

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We do it freely, seeking no reward.

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The only reward we may have could only come from some higher authority, up above...

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# There was a brave old Scotchman At the Battle of Waterloo.

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# The wind blew up his petticoats And showed his... #

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Have a nice patrol, Mr Frazer?

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The word is SCOTSman. Scotch is something you drink.

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I cannae understand why you English are so obsessed with what we wear under the kilt.

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Oh, it's chilly out tonight. I see you made the tea. There's a good boy.

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HOWLING WIND

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Good job you're not wearing your kilt, Taffy.

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You might feel a bit draughty round the old...

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Mention the word kilt again and your nose will feel draughty! Sorry I spoke!

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What IS this!? Don't you like it? It's not as good as Mr Godfrey's.

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Don't mention that name to me! To think we've had a conchie in our ranks all this time!

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What'll happen to him? Mr Mainwaring will keep him in the platoon till he finds a replacement.

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Disgraceful!

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My mum says men should be men.

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I heard her telling Uncle Arthur.

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I feel sorry for the old boy. What do you reckon, Jonesy?

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I've been a soldier all me life. I know nothing about conscientious objectors.

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I remember when I was on the North West Frontier... Frontier of where?

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Golders Green(!) The North West Frontier of India! We was surrounded by Pathans.

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Those black men with turbans? No, they're the same colour as you.

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They're green!? No...!

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Anyway, they got cruel faces and hawk-like noses and cruel little beady eyes.

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Like Taffy here. Yes, he is a bit like a Pathan.

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I'm a Scotsman born and bred! Maybe his old man had a bike(!)

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Anyway, we was surrounded by thousands of Pathans...

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Are they the ones who don't like it "up 'em"? Oh, shut up!

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Am I too late to make the tea? I didn't think you were coming. I've already made it.

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There's an awfy queer smell in here! Come on, boys, it's time to get back on patrol.

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Would anyone like some cake? Mr Jones? Yes, I...

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No, thanks, I'm not very hungry.

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Thank you, Mr Godfrey.

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Come on!

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# It's a blue world without you... #

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Not too many, Bill. You know what a fusspot Mainwaring is.

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I hope this smoke test isn't too much for them. I'll keep my eye on them.

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We don't want them looking like kippers(!) Here they come.

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Platoon, halt! All right, fall out.

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We're ready for you. Thank you. Gather round.

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We're doing "rescuing an unconscious person from a burning building."

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Smoke's going through this pipe 'ere into the hut 'ere.

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Inside the hut are sacks filled with straw, representing bodies.

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Take the bodies out through the flap, up the ladder and over the wall.

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We'll suffocate in that smoke!

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Not if you do it properly. I'll show you. Right...

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- Let us pray! - You trying to be funny!? Walker!

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Get your nose flat on the floor...

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close your mouth, then hnrghh hmng grhrhnga, hmbngh arh hmngr hngimn angghmm.

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Is that clear?

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Do NOT take your nose off the floor.

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And you go along like this.

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He's been practising!

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Sir... Yes? What if your nose is longer than two inches?

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It is NOT longer than two inches!

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He doesn't mean YOUR nose. He means a sort of hypothetical nose.

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No, no, I didn't mean Mr Mainwaring's nose, no, no. No, no, I didn't...

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Mr Hodges, is the floor of the hut wood?

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Yes. Why? My mum would object if I got a splinter in my nose.

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Damn sissy! Don't worry, lad.

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I'LL PUT A BLOODY CARPET DOWN!

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Warden, don't swear at my men! They'd make anyone swear!

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A lot of people would give their right arms just to go through a smoke-filled hut!

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My colleague here will count you off as you come through.

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If one of you don't appear, I shall quickly get you out.

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Right, inside, men. Very nice(!)

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Don't forget, there's 17 to come through. Righto.

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I'll go first. I won't ask my men to do anything I can't do. Is that wise, sir? Wilson...!

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Just get the men ready. Right, sir.

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Number one coming through. Right.

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Can I be the next one to go through, Sergeant? Yes, off you go, Jones.

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There you go.

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I do apologise, sir.

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You've ruined all my counting! There's not enough smoke in there!

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CANCEL THE FIRST ONE, BILL!

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CORPORAL! SIR? Start taking the men through.

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Sir!

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You'll asphyxiate them, you maniac! If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. OH!

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Right, Mr Hodges. Right, come on, then.

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Come on, quickly! That's it. Off you go.

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That's it. What have we here?

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OOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!

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What's your game!?

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Why are you going back!? I forgot me little straw man.

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Come back 'ere! Just a minute!

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Oooohhh!!

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Never tangle with an old butcher!

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OHH...! What are you playing at!? I've got a splinter on my nose!

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ARGUING

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Come on!

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'Ere, there's much more smoke in there than usual.

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It's that maniac Mainwaring!

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Hurry up! Do me a favour - clear off!

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Through you go, Pike. You next, Walker - no smoking in there!

0:27:190:27:26

You're not getting out of this one, Godfrey. I'm not trying to, sir.

0:27:310:27:36

Remember, I'm right behind you. None of your damn conchie tricks!

0:27:360:27:43

It's the one with the scarf! Where to now? Over the ladder.

0:27:430:27:49

Come on, you, come on!

0:27:520:27:56

Only two more? That's right.

0:28:000:28:03

You go and I'll stop 'ere. Right.

0:28:030:28:06

What have we got here, then? It looks like Ben Gunn!

0:28:060:28:11

All right? Where's Captain Mainwaring? Just behind me.

0:28:110:28:18

I'll go over the wall and you wait here for him.

0:28:180:28:22

Are you all right, Captain...?

0:28:350:28:38

Mr Hodges, Captain Mainwaring hasn't come through yet!

0:28:430:28:48

Mr Hodges!

0:28:510:28:53

All right, Captain, I'm coming.

0:28:590:29:02

# Faithful forever... #

0:29:030:29:07

He'll be fine in a day or two, Miss Godfrey. See that he gets plenty of rest.

0:29:080:29:15

Yes, thank you, Doctor. Can Mr Mainwaring come in now? Yes, of course. Goodbye.

0:29:150:29:23

Goodbye, Doctor. Goodbye.

0:29:230:29:26

He'll see you now, Captain. Thank you.

0:29:260:29:30

Feeling better?

0:29:330:29:36

Much better.

0:29:360:29:38

Some nice strengthening sweetbreads for you. Thank you.

0:29:470:29:52

^ I brought ye a bottle o' whisky.

0:29:520:29:55

^ And some tea.

0:29:570:29:59

Army and Navy? No, from a mate in the RAF.

0:29:590:30:03

Aren't you going to thank him for saving your life? Of course I am!

0:30:050:30:10

Give the officer some room. Back...

0:30:100:30:13

I may have said some harsh things, but deep down we're all very...

0:30:160:30:23

What's that photograph of you in uniform? That was the last war.

0:30:240:30:29

Wait a minute...you're wearing the Military Medal! That's right.

0:30:290:30:35

But you said you were a damn... a conscientious objector! I was. So how could you win the MM!?

0:30:350:30:42

He volunteered for the Medical Corps.

0:30:420:30:47

At the Somme, he went out under heavy fire and saved several lives.

0:30:470:30:53

It wasn't that heavy...

0:30:530:30:57

I'm sure we're very sorry to have sat upon you in very strong judgment, Mr Godfrey.

0:30:570:31:04

Speaking for mysel', I never doubted ye for a single minute.

0:31:040:31:09

He could be OUR medical orderly. What a good idea. Thank you.

0:31:090:31:15

From now on you are appointed medical orderly to the platoon. Thank you very much.

0:31:150:31:24

We mustn't tire him any more. Don't do anything I wouldn't!

0:31:240:31:30

Nice of you to come.

0:31:300:31:32

FOND FAREWELLS

0:31:320:31:36

There's one thing I still don't understand. Oh, what's that?

0:31:400:31:46

Why do you never wear your medals? Oh, they seemed rather ostentatious.

0:31:460:31:51

Ostentatious!?

0:31:510:31:53

If I'd won the MM, I'd have worn it for the whole world to see.

0:31:530:32:01

Yes, but you LOOK like a hero.

0:32:010:32:04

You can't always go by appearances. No...

0:32:040:32:09

Subtitles by Chas Donaldson BBC Scotland 1992

0:32:570:33:03

Three seasons of extreme survival for the animals of Yellowstone.

0:33:180:33:21

Starts with The Wildest Winter...

0:33:210:33:23

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