The Jug Doctors

Clara drives, Max drives, Charlie drives.

We offered you lessons on your 17th birthday,

but you were on your high horse saving the planet,

and we were...deeply uncool for offering.

Ironic, because a high horse produces significant methane,

-which is harmful to the ozone layer.

-Come on, Dad.

No. No, you had a laptop instead, didn't you?

Just because me and your mum are always at work doesn't mean we're made of money.

Yeah, but Dad, the thing is,

is that you are a police-trained driver.

You're very highly qualified.

What do you want me to do? Dress up as you, and take the test for you?

-Might be worth a shot.

-Teach me!

No way!

-Dad!

-I'd rather teach a cat to swim, frankly.

Oh, great, well thanks very much (!)

What?

What d'you think?

-I don't know.

-What do you mean you don't know?

I don't know.

Well, you either like it or you don't

cos there's only 18 seconds left and if you DO like it

I am going to snap it up.

Very nice.

Nine, eight, 20 quid, hope I haven't left it too late.

COMPUTER BEEPS

Yes! Got it!

That's really good.

Jimmi!

You think I'm really stupid, buying old stuff off the internet?

No! You can check the hallmark, sell it at Sotheby's.

If it's worth something, you can take me on holiday.

I've got to go. OK. Bye.

My bargain of the day.

Oh, very nice! 20 quid?

Yeah! Glad you like it. Jimmi doesn't seem too keen.

Oh? I've never thought of buying second-hand crockery.

But it makes sense because of the amount you break.

-Well, it's not so much second-hand, it's more...vintage.

-Oh!

Elaine, what do you think?

Oh. Yeah, lovely.

So, you were saying Jimmi doesn't like it?

Yeah, but we don't have to agree on everything.

Exactly. What do men know?

Quite. Karen, have you got my list for this morning?

No.

I thought you were supposed to be at the Mill. I mean, I might be wrong.

Oh, no. No, you're right.

I must have got things mixed up. Better get going.

I know you have been waiting, but I just need you to bear with us

-just a little longer.

-Yes. Sure.

Oh, Dr Carmichael, I need to send through another

of Dr Cassidy's patients, if possible.

-Oh, she's still not here?

-She left the campus half an hour ago.

Well, haven't you tried ringing her?

Still no reply.

If you want to have a huge bust-up with someone,

take them for a driving lesson.

Fact.

-It doesn't have to be like that.

-I taught your mum.

That was years ago.

Yeah, well, I still bear the scars.

But Dad, she's a great driver!

Really?

Come on, you can't still be annoyed about that. Someone put the trolley behind her!

OK, fine.

I'll probably get Cath to teach me, or something.

Which one's Cath?

The one with the hatchback made of rust?

She's got a really cool car, and it goes really fast!

She'll teach me, no problem.

Nah, you can't let her teach you in that!

All right. OK. All right. OK.

-We'll give it a go.

-When can we go out?

We won't go anywhere until I've shown you the controls, and what they do.

-Whatever you say.

-And that's another thing.

Whatever I do say goes.

I mean it. My rules, OK?

Thanks, Dad!

Excuse me? Excuse me?

You forgot your prescription. That's why you came here, uh?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Dr Cassidy?

Where, where?

Oh sorry, I must have just nodded off!

How long have you been here?

Erm, I really don't know.

OK, so out of the village and take a right at the end.

Look out for a mobile home. Great.

OK, I'll see you later. Bye.

Going to go and pick up my bargain!

-A mobile home?

-Yeah.

-The people who are selling the vase?

-Yeah.

If it doesn't look like the photo, I won't pay for it.

Are you sure you should be going on your own?

I'm a nurse. I do house calls on my own all the time.

Yeah but this isn't a house... Course you do.

Check it for cracks!

Pardon?

Imogen bought me, for Mothers' Day,

a second-hand jug.

And she got it from a flea market...

Like I said, it's not really second-hand.

Yeah, and the handle fell off!

Obviously, why they were selling it. It had a crack in it.

It's more vintage.

-You can't trust anyone.

-Bye, Karen.

Bye.

Black coffee. That's what you need. I will make it.

Problem?

No. No, not really. Can I have de-caff please?

De-Caff? That is no good! You need to wake up.

-What's this?

-I had a late night.

I found her in her car. Sleeping like a baby.

(Mouth wide open!)

Ridiculous, I know! I was reading a book into the early hours.

-Couldn't put it down.

-What was the book?

-Hello, there.

-Hi, I'm Cherry.

-Of course you are. I'm Cyril.

Pleased to make your acquaintance, Cherry. Yeah.

I don't get many visitors, here, so I knew it was you.

Come in to my palace!

Oh, thank you.

Take a pew.

What about a nice cup of tea? I've got one in the pot.

Oh, lovely. Milk, no sugar, please.

Ah, same as me. But tea's no good without a biscuit.

Now, I've got four left.

-Two each by my reckoning.

-Mhmm, lovely. My favourite.

And I see we have the same taste in vases as well.

I imagine that you're a real antique collector, Cherry, yes?

Ah. Cos you know the golden oldies are the best.

Don't want to see it go, really.

But needs must, though.

I'm a gardener by trade, but oh, this rheumatism,

it's getting harder by the day earning an honest penny.

So, I'm selling off the old bits and pieces.

Glad of the money, though.

Well, it's going to a good home.

Ah, nice to hear it.

It's hard letting the old bits go, but...

-Tea?

-Yes, please.

Steering wheel, which causes the front wheels to change direction,

thus steering the car in the direction you need it to go.

Handbrake. Holds the vehicle stationary.

Push in the button to release when pulling away.

Gear stick.

Selects the appropriate gear.

No, patience, love. Patience.

-You get the basics right, and the rest will follow, OK?

-OK.

In the middle, brake pedal

which slows the vehicle, or brings it to a halt.

Is that the horn?

Yes, we won't be needing that.

Hopefully.

But, much more importantly to you because you're a girl,

rear view mirror.

So, you're a nurse? That's a good job, looking after people.

About my bad leg.

HE LAUGHS

Nah. No, no. Only joking.

I bet you're fed up with people asking for free advice.

Erm, not really. But the man I'm marrying is a doctor,

and often people come up to him at parties wanting to talk about their favourite illness.

Oh, married to a doctor.

I must say, I spotted the engagement ring.

Hit the jackpot there!

You see, I'd never let that go, no.

Too many memories.

Now, I HAVE decided to sell this.

This was given me by a very special lady a long time ago.

Rather have the money now more than the memories.

It's proper china, mind.

It says "Clydachs" on the bottom. That sounds familiar.

I don't know.

All I can say is that it was given to me by a very wealthy lady.

And someone told me a long time ago it was worth a lot of money.

How much is it worth?

Well if you went to a posh antique shop, I'd say

-200, £300 at least.

-Wow!

Yeah, but they wouldn't give that to me, would they?

They'd want their slice.

I tell you what, Cherry.

If you want that jug,

I'll let you have it for...

150.

As long as you look after it.

And then it's gently back on the revs.

-Revs?

-Engine revolutions. The speed at which the crankshaft revolves.

-What?

-Then take your foot back off the accelerator,

foot onto the clutch, change gear...

Dad, can't I just have a go?

These things take time, love.

How can I learn how to do it if you're doing everything?

Please?

Just take your time.

Remember all the things that I've told you.

When you're first setting off,

you need to let the clutch out really slowly.

More revs. More, more revs

-I'm sorry.

-OK.

No!

Put the handbrake on.

Put the gears into neutral.

There's just so much to remember all in one go.

They all need to be learned. Let's start again.

-Just let me have a go, will you? I need to get used to it.

-I AM letting you have a go!

OK. Let's restart the engine.

ENGINE REVS

-Oh, how did you get on?

-Ta-da!

Oh, very nice!

Yeah, but THAT's not all.

Ah! We need a new milk jug here.

Elaine broke ours last week, she's all fingers and thumbs.

Good job she's not a brain surgeon. We might have had complaints.

-It's not for here.

-Oh.

It's proper antique.

The gentleman I bought it from used to be a gardener.

He was given it as a present by this really rich old lady, like Lady Chatterley sort of thing.

How much did you pay it?

Quite a lot.

30 quid? No, hang on.

If that was 20, 35?

150.

No!

You can get a really nice jug from Fairstowes

at £12.99 and that's got flowers on it.

Yeah, but that is a proper antique! Here, have a look at this.

"Clydachs Pottery, Swansea.

"One of the most sought after by collectors,

"Clydachs represents all that was good

"about the 19th-century Welsh china.

"But rarity has driven up the prices in recent years."

Look, there's a link here to the auction site.

"One sold at auction last year for...

"£5,000!"

-No. Mirror, signal

-What?

We're going to overtake. Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

All right, stop. Come to a stop.

Put your clutch in. Go into neutral. Stop.

Handbrake on.

CYCLIST RINGS BELL

It's all right. No-one ever said this was going to be easy.

But you're just saying words at me like "clutch, brake,

"gear, steer, swipe..."

-Swipe?

-Well, not that one, then.

A motor vehicle is a very large, complicated and dangerous object.

Which is why they don't just give licences away.

I do realise that. But you telling me what to do all the time is putting me off!

-Dad, you've got to realise that I'm not a kid!

-OK.

Let's start again.

-Mirror...

-I was just about to!

Handbrake.

Yep.

Clutch. Slow. Yeah, more revs.

Clutch off, slow m-m more revs, MORE REVS!

Sorry!

No! Handbrake! Clutch!

-Neutral!

-DAD!

I'm not going to sit here in silence and watch you start the car in gear!

I had no idea that it was worth anything LIKE that!

£5,000!

I feel really bad now.

I wouldn't worry about it. Wait till you tell Jimmi.

You have to take him somewhere really swish and surprise him.

Yeah, and there's poor old Cyril, in his caravan, counting his biscuits.

I know! What a stroke of luck. Him not knowing what it was worth.

No.

No, I can't do that. I'm taking it back.

-Are you mad?

-Karen, he's going to be really chuffed.

Just be careful with your steering.

Not too much. That's it.

Look, there's Jack! Woo, who's the new woman?

Imogen! Watch where you're going!

-OK!

-All right!

Slow down. Slow down. Stop! Stop the car.

Put the brake on. Slowly.

Yeah, that's it.

And stop. Clutch in.

Put your handbrake on.

Into neutral. Turn the engine off.

All right, Dad. It's really not a big problem.

Not a big problem? You've just nearly crashed!

-Come on, out the car. I'll take us home.

-But, hang on...

No buts.

Sit down. You've come back for more tea and biscuits, yeah?

I told you I do a good cuppa.

Actually, I've got some good news for you.

You've come back to buy some more bits? And I could do with the pennies.

I'm giving you this back.

Not quite with you.

I found out that it's by a really famous maker.

And, wait for this. One of these sold at auction for £5,000.

I can't imagine that.

Seriously!

Cherry, if that jug is worth £5,000, I'll eat my hat.

And it's a grubby old hat.

It's yours. Please take it back for whatever I paid for it.

I think that you should.

I see. You regret buying it?

Right, you want your money back, of course.

But I did have plans for that money.

No!

Well, keep the jug. Enjoy it!

With, look, with my blessing.

-But...

-We've done the deal. I'm happy now.

End of story, as far as I'm concerned.

Did you say yes to that tea?

HE LAUGHS

Can I help?

Hi. Erm, I was wondering,

I've got this antique jug,

I was wondering if you could have a look at it for me.

Ah.

It's actually made of Clydachs pottery

Yes. I have heard of it...

Let's see then.

So, what do you know about Clydachs pottery?

Erm, not much. It's Welsh,

it's rare.

-So, you're not a specialised collector?

-No, not really.

But when the gentleman offered to sell it to me, I recognised the name.

Yes, quite.

Extraordinary.

-Actually, it says it on the bottom

-Yes, don't worry, I spotted that.

Hmmm.

What do you think ? Any idea of how much I should get it insured for?

You'll have to bear with me. There's a few things to consider.

Now, where are my scales?

Who's your mate, Jack?

She's got a really funny name. She's called Mind Your Own Business.

What's all this?

Immie nearly crashed into some roadworks.

-Don't think so.

-Dad looked like he was having a heart attack.

There's Immie, goggling out of the window at me, smashing into these bollards.

-HE LAUGHS.

-It's no joke.

On the bright side, no-one died!

But there IS always next time, eh?

And seriously, how did it go?

Dad's says he's had enough.

What? After one lesson? Rob?!

That's what I said!

You've got to have a bit more patience than that!

Huh! You weren't there.

It was like being at nursery. "Here's the steering wheel little girl, don't touch!"

Well, it can't have been that bad.

Well, in that case, you take her out.

Fine! If you can't handle it.

I will teach you to drive properly. Like a woman.

Right, then.

-What did you pay for the piece, if you don't mind me asking?

-£150.

Did you really? Did you, really?

That's why I wanted to get it valued.

The gentleman that sold it didn't believe it was worth more than that.

I see.

Oh, when I looked it up, apparently one sold at auction for £5,000.

Is that right? Yes, 5,000.

A lot of brass.

Sorry?

You're familiar with the adage "Where there's muck there's brass"?

Eh, yeah!

The problem in the antiques trade is where there's brass,

there's quite often muck as well.

And, regrettably, this is muck.

A forgery. Probably a few months old.

Eh? I thought that it was really valuable.

All this crazing in the glaze, a bit over the top.

The jug's slightly small, too. And too light.

-Really?

-They make a mould from an original one, you see,

so the fake jug starts off at exactly that size.

But when you fire it in the kiln, of course, it shrinks a little bit.

So it ends up smaller than the original piece.

Nice work, though.

Haven't seen one of these for a few years, in fact.

-Is it worth anything?

-Oh, yes! It's still a nice jug.

£10 on a market stall.

Maybe 15 to the right buyer.

PHONE RINGS

-Hi.

-Cherry? It's Elaine.

I hate to ask you this,

but I think I left a folder at the campus this morning.

A blue one, on the reception.

I was in such a rush.

-Are you coming in to the Mill later?

-Yeah, I'll bring it.

-Thank you.

-OK.

-Everything all right?

-No.

I bought this antique jug for £150.

It turns out it's a forgery.

-That's terrible.

-Hmm. No wonder the old git didn't want to take it back.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to go and get my money back.

Make sure you take someone with you.

There's no need.

If it's a forgery, you're dealing with a criminal. Take Jimmi.

I don't want him to know what a sucker I've been.

-I'll come with you.

-Elaine, it's not necessary.

No arguments. I'll never forgive myself if anything happened to you.

Er, where is this place?

OK.

I need some fresh air anyway. OK. Bye.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Some tea.

Ounce for ounce more caffeine than coffee. Did you know that? THIS will keep you going.

You're a life saver. Thank you.

Now, take my advice. Leave the book alone for tonight.

The book I am reading is an ocean of red herrings.

I have to keep reading it and re-reading it to keep track of it.

-Thank you, Mrs Tembe.

-Oh. Oh, right.

Hello?

Hello?

So, did you know this was fake?

A fake, you say? A fake what?

A fake antique.

-Is it?

-Your leg seems a lot better.

You said that it was worth a lot of money.

It's worth what someone's prepared to pay.

Did you set me up deliberately? Make me feel I was getting a bargain?

You were happy to pay the money.

That's because I thought it was a real antique.

Not just a few months old!

Sorry, I haven't got time for this!

Ah!

Much as I like visitors, I'm very busy.

You're not going to get away with this.

Another one!

So, have you got more people coming around?

One last con before you move...

No, don't!

This is the real one, you stupid girl! What have you done?

I wouldn't worry, it's not worth much.

Let me tell you something.

I did that jug that you had.

Pottery's my hobby.

I was proud of that jug. It's a nice jug.

But this is the real one.

I copied it, and this is worth a fortune.

You have to pay me.

-Don't be so ridiculous.

-You can afford it.

Marrying a doctor.

At least you know what it's worth.

You owe me £5,000.

Oh, I see.

OK, then.

So, which is the original?

This one?

-Or is it this one? Or...

-No, no, no, not...

Or maybe this one? None of them.

How about this one? This feels a little bit heavier.

That's my life savings.

Save it for the police.

PHONE RINGS

Cherry. Hi. Sorry, I'm on my way.

I got delayed.

What?

What, do you mean it's all sorted?

'I've got my money back.'

And I managed to keep the vase. It's a good forgery.

It might be worth a few grand, if I play my cards right.

Joke!

Yeah, OK. Well, I'm going to have to go now. Got to make a statement.

Yeah, I think I'll stick to 20 quid flowery vases from now on. Bye.

Er, hello. Er, yeah. I was wondering...

Sorry, I really need to speak to Oliver Clark.

Er, Oliver! Erm, it's Elaine Cassidy.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm not coping too well.

Er...

Well, tomorrow'll be great.

Thank you.

-Part of me finds it weird.

-Weird?

Spending the day remembering your father.

I haven't met your mother yet.

I'm telling you the truth!

I can't trust what you tell me anymore.

I saw them together in the shop.

They do make a lovely couple, don't you agree?

LEFT! The other left!

-No, this is a one way street!

-CAR HORN BEEPS

Happy Birthday, Albert!

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