The Jug Doctors


The Jug

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Clara drives, Max drives, Charlie drives.

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We offered you lessons on your 17th birthday,

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but you were on your high horse saving the planet,

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and we were...deeply uncool for offering.

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Ironic, because a high horse produces significant methane,

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-which is harmful to the ozone layer.

-Come on, Dad.

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No. No, you had a laptop instead, didn't you?

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Just because me and your mum are always at work doesn't mean we're made of money.

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Yeah, but Dad, the thing is,

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is that you are a police-trained driver.

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You're very highly qualified.

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What do you want me to do? Dress up as you, and take the test for you?

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-Might be worth a shot.

-Teach me!

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No way!

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-Dad!

-I'd rather teach a cat to swim, frankly.

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Oh, great, well thanks very much (!)

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What?

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What d'you think?

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-I don't know.

-What do you mean you don't know?

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I don't know.

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Well, you either like it or you don't

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cos there's only 18 seconds left and if you DO like it

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I am going to snap it up.

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Very nice.

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Nine, eight, 20 quid, hope I haven't left it too late.

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COMPUTER BEEPS

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Yes! Got it!

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That's really good.

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Jimmi!

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You think I'm really stupid, buying old stuff off the internet?

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No! You can check the hallmark, sell it at Sotheby's.

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If it's worth something, you can take me on holiday.

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I've got to go. OK. Bye.

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My bargain of the day.

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Oh, very nice! 20 quid?

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Yeah! Glad you like it. Jimmi doesn't seem too keen.

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Oh? I've never thought of buying second-hand crockery.

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But it makes sense because of the amount you break.

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-Well, it's not so much second-hand, it's more...vintage.

-Oh!

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Elaine, what do you think?

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Oh. Yeah, lovely.

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So, you were saying Jimmi doesn't like it?

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Yeah, but we don't have to agree on everything.

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Exactly. What do men know?

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Quite. Karen, have you got my list for this morning?

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No.

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I thought you were supposed to be at the Mill. I mean, I might be wrong.

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Oh, no. No, you're right.

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I must have got things mixed up. Better get going.

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I know you have been waiting, but I just need you to bear with us

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-just a little longer.

-Yes. Sure.

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Oh, Dr Carmichael, I need to send through another

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of Dr Cassidy's patients, if possible.

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-Oh, she's still not here?

-She left the campus half an hour ago.

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Well, haven't you tried ringing her?

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Still no reply.

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If you want to have a huge bust-up with someone,

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take them for a driving lesson.

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Fact.

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-It doesn't have to be like that.

-I taught your mum.

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That was years ago.

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Yeah, well, I still bear the scars.

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But Dad, she's a great driver!

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Really?

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Come on, you can't still be annoyed about that. Someone put the trolley behind her!

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OK, fine.

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I'll probably get Cath to teach me, or something.

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Which one's Cath?

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The one with the hatchback made of rust?

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She's got a really cool car, and it goes really fast!

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She'll teach me, no problem.

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Nah, you can't let her teach you in that!

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All right. OK. All right. OK.

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-We'll give it a go.

-When can we go out?

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We won't go anywhere until I've shown you the controls, and what they do.

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-Whatever you say.

-And that's another thing.

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Whatever I do say goes.

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I mean it. My rules, OK?

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Thanks, Dad!

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Excuse me? Excuse me?

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You forgot your prescription. That's why you came here, uh?

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Oh, yes. Thank you.

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Dr Cassidy?

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Where, where?

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Oh sorry, I must have just nodded off!

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How long have you been here?

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Erm, I really don't know.

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OK, so out of the village and take a right at the end.

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Look out for a mobile home. Great.

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OK, I'll see you later. Bye.

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Going to go and pick up my bargain!

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-A mobile home?

-Yeah.

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-The people who are selling the vase?

-Yeah.

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If it doesn't look like the photo, I won't pay for it.

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Are you sure you should be going on your own?

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I'm a nurse. I do house calls on my own all the time.

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Yeah but this isn't a house... Course you do.

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Check it for cracks!

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Pardon?

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Imogen bought me, for Mothers' Day,

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a second-hand jug.

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And she got it from a flea market...

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Like I said, it's not really second-hand.

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Yeah, and the handle fell off!

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Obviously, why they were selling it. It had a crack in it.

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It's more vintage.

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-You can't trust anyone.

-Bye, Karen.

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Bye.

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Black coffee. That's what you need. I will make it.

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Problem?

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No. No, not really. Can I have de-caff please?

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De-Caff? That is no good! You need to wake up.

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-What's this?

-I had a late night.

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I found her in her car. Sleeping like a baby.

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(Mouth wide open!)

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Ridiculous, I know! I was reading a book into the early hours.

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-Couldn't put it down.

-What was the book?

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-Hello, there.

-Hi, I'm Cherry.

-Of course you are. I'm Cyril.

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Pleased to make your acquaintance, Cherry. Yeah.

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I don't get many visitors, here, so I knew it was you.

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Come in to my palace!

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Oh, thank you.

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Take a pew.

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What about a nice cup of tea? I've got one in the pot.

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Oh, lovely. Milk, no sugar, please.

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Ah, same as me. But tea's no good without a biscuit.

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Now, I've got four left.

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-Two each by my reckoning.

-Mhmm, lovely. My favourite.

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And I see we have the same taste in vases as well.

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I imagine that you're a real antique collector, Cherry, yes?

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Ah. Cos you know the golden oldies are the best.

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Don't want to see it go, really.

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But needs must, though.

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I'm a gardener by trade, but oh, this rheumatism,

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it's getting harder by the day earning an honest penny.

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So, I'm selling off the old bits and pieces.

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Glad of the money, though.

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Well, it's going to a good home.

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Ah, nice to hear it.

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It's hard letting the old bits go, but...

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-Tea?

-Yes, please.

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Steering wheel, which causes the front wheels to change direction,

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thus steering the car in the direction you need it to go.

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Handbrake. Holds the vehicle stationary.

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Push in the button to release when pulling away.

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Gear stick.

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Selects the appropriate gear.

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No, patience, love. Patience.

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-You get the basics right, and the rest will follow, OK?

-OK.

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In the middle, brake pedal

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which slows the vehicle, or brings it to a halt.

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Is that the horn?

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Yes, we won't be needing that.

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Hopefully.

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But, much more importantly to you because you're a girl,

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rear view mirror.

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So, you're a nurse? That's a good job, looking after people.

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About my bad leg.

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HE LAUGHS

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Nah. No, no. Only joking.

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I bet you're fed up with people asking for free advice.

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Erm, not really. But the man I'm marrying is a doctor,

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and often people come up to him at parties wanting to talk about their favourite illness.

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Oh, married to a doctor.

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I must say, I spotted the engagement ring.

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Hit the jackpot there!

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You see, I'd never let that go, no.

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Too many memories.

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Now, I HAVE decided to sell this.

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This was given me by a very special lady a long time ago.

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Rather have the money now more than the memories.

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It's proper china, mind.

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It says "Clydachs" on the bottom. That sounds familiar.

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I don't know.

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All I can say is that it was given to me by a very wealthy lady.

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And someone told me a long time ago it was worth a lot of money.

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How much is it worth?

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Well if you went to a posh antique shop, I'd say

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-200, £300 at least.

-Wow!

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Yeah, but they wouldn't give that to me, would they?

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They'd want their slice.

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I tell you what, Cherry.

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If you want that jug,

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I'll let you have it for...

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150.

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As long as you look after it.

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And then it's gently back on the revs.

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-Revs?

-Engine revolutions. The speed at which the crankshaft revolves.

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-What?

-Then take your foot back off the accelerator,

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foot onto the clutch, change gear...

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Dad, can't I just have a go?

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These things take time, love.

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How can I learn how to do it if you're doing everything?

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Please?

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Just take your time.

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Remember all the things that I've told you.

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When you're first setting off,

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you need to let the clutch out really slowly.

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More revs. More, more revs

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-I'm sorry.

-OK.

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No!

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Put the handbrake on.

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Put the gears into neutral.

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There's just so much to remember all in one go.

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They all need to be learned. Let's start again.

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-Just let me have a go, will you? I need to get used to it.

-I AM letting you have a go!

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OK. Let's restart the engine.

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ENGINE REVS

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-Oh, how did you get on?

-Ta-da!

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Oh, very nice!

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Yeah, but THAT's not all.

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Ah! We need a new milk jug here.

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Elaine broke ours last week, she's all fingers and thumbs.

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Good job she's not a brain surgeon. We might have had complaints.

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-It's not for here.

-Oh.

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It's proper antique.

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The gentleman I bought it from used to be a gardener.

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He was given it as a present by this really rich old lady, like Lady Chatterley sort of thing.

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How much did you pay it?

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Quite a lot.

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30 quid? No, hang on.

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If that was 20, 35?

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150.

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No!

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You can get a really nice jug from Fairstowes

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at £12.99 and that's got flowers on it.

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Yeah, but that is a proper antique! Here, have a look at this.

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"Clydachs Pottery, Swansea.

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"One of the most sought after by collectors,

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"Clydachs represents all that was good

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"about the 19th-century Welsh china.

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"But rarity has driven up the prices in recent years."

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Look, there's a link here to the auction site.

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"One sold at auction last year for...

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"£5,000!"

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-No. Mirror, signal

-What?

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We're going to overtake. Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

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All right, stop. Come to a stop.

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Put your clutch in. Go into neutral. Stop.

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Handbrake on.

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CYCLIST RINGS BELL

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It's all right. No-one ever said this was going to be easy.

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But you're just saying words at me like "clutch, brake,

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"gear, steer, swipe..."

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-Swipe?

-Well, not that one, then.

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A motor vehicle is a very large, complicated and dangerous object.

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Which is why they don't just give licences away.

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I do realise that. But you telling me what to do all the time is putting me off!

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-Dad, you've got to realise that I'm not a kid!

-OK.

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Let's start again.

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-Mirror...

-I was just about to!

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Handbrake.

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Yep.

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Clutch. Slow. Yeah, more revs.

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Clutch off, slow m-m more revs, MORE REVS!

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Sorry!

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No! Handbrake! Clutch!

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-Neutral!

-DAD!

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I'm not going to sit here in silence and watch you start the car in gear!

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I had no idea that it was worth anything LIKE that!

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£5,000!

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I feel really bad now.

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I wouldn't worry about it. Wait till you tell Jimmi.

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You have to take him somewhere really swish and surprise him.

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Yeah, and there's poor old Cyril, in his caravan, counting his biscuits.

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I know! What a stroke of luck. Him not knowing what it was worth.

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No.

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No, I can't do that. I'm taking it back.

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-Are you mad?

-Karen, he's going to be really chuffed.

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Just be careful with your steering.

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Not too much. That's it.

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Look, there's Jack! Woo, who's the new woman?

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Imogen! Watch where you're going!

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-OK!

-All right!

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Slow down. Slow down. Stop! Stop the car.

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Put the brake on. Slowly.

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Yeah, that's it.

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And stop. Clutch in.

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Put your handbrake on.

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Into neutral. Turn the engine off.

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All right, Dad. It's really not a big problem.

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Not a big problem? You've just nearly crashed!

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-Come on, out the car. I'll take us home.

-But, hang on...

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No buts.

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Sit down. You've come back for more tea and biscuits, yeah?

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I told you I do a good cuppa.

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Actually, I've got some good news for you.

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You've come back to buy some more bits? And I could do with the pennies.

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I'm giving you this back.

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Not quite with you.

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I found out that it's by a really famous maker.

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And, wait for this. One of these sold at auction for £5,000.

0:16:160:16:21

I can't imagine that.

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Seriously!

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Cherry, if that jug is worth £5,000, I'll eat my hat.

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And it's a grubby old hat.

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It's yours. Please take it back for whatever I paid for it.

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I think that you should.

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I see. You regret buying it?

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Right, you want your money back, of course.

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But I did have plans for that money.

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No!

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Well, keep the jug. Enjoy it!

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With, look, with my blessing.

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-But...

-We've done the deal. I'm happy now.

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End of story, as far as I'm concerned.

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Did you say yes to that tea?

0:17:050:17:06

HE LAUGHS

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Can I help?

0:17:240:17:25

Hi. Erm, I was wondering,

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I've got this antique jug,

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I was wondering if you could have a look at it for me.

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Ah.

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It's actually made of Clydachs pottery

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Yes. I have heard of it...

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Let's see then.

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So, what do you know about Clydachs pottery?

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Erm, not much. It's Welsh,

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it's rare.

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-So, you're not a specialised collector?

-No, not really.

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But when the gentleman offered to sell it to me, I recognised the name.

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Yes, quite.

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Extraordinary.

0:18:000:18:02

-Actually, it says it on the bottom

-Yes, don't worry, I spotted that.

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Hmmm.

0:18:070:18:09

What do you think ? Any idea of how much I should get it insured for?

0:18:100:18:13

You'll have to bear with me. There's a few things to consider.

0:18:130:18:16

Now, where are my scales?

0:18:160:18:19

Who's your mate, Jack?

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She's got a really funny name. She's called Mind Your Own Business.

0:18:250:18:28

What's all this?

0:18:280:18:30

Immie nearly crashed into some roadworks.

0:18:300:18:33

-Don't think so.

-Dad looked like he was having a heart attack.

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There's Immie, goggling out of the window at me, smashing into these bollards.

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-HE LAUGHS.

-It's no joke.

0:18:400:18:41

On the bright side, no-one died!

0:18:410:18:43

But there IS always next time, eh?

0:18:430:18:45

And seriously, how did it go?

0:18:450:18:47

Dad's says he's had enough.

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What? After one lesson? Rob?!

0:18:490:18:51

That's what I said!

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You've got to have a bit more patience than that!

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Huh! You weren't there.

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It was like being at nursery. "Here's the steering wheel little girl, don't touch!"

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Well, it can't have been that bad.

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Well, in that case, you take her out.

0:19:030:19:06

Fine! If you can't handle it.

0:19:070:19:09

I will teach you to drive properly. Like a woman.

0:19:090:19:12

Right, then.

0:19:180:19:19

-What did you pay for the piece, if you don't mind me asking?

-£150.

0:19:190:19:23

Did you really? Did you, really?

0:19:230:19:26

That's why I wanted to get it valued.

0:19:260:19:28

The gentleman that sold it didn't believe it was worth more than that.

0:19:280:19:31

I see.

0:19:310:19:32

Oh, when I looked it up, apparently one sold at auction for £5,000.

0:19:320:19:36

Is that right? Yes, 5,000.

0:19:360:19:39

A lot of brass.

0:19:390:19:41

Sorry?

0:19:410:19:43

You're familiar with the adage "Where there's muck there's brass"?

0:19:430:19:47

Eh, yeah!

0:19:470:19:49

The problem in the antiques trade is where there's brass,

0:19:490:19:52

there's quite often muck as well.

0:19:520:19:55

And, regrettably, this is muck.

0:19:550:19:58

A forgery. Probably a few months old.

0:20:000:20:02

Eh? I thought that it was really valuable.

0:20:020:20:05

All this crazing in the glaze, a bit over the top.

0:20:050:20:09

The jug's slightly small, too. And too light.

0:20:090:20:12

-Really?

-They make a mould from an original one, you see,

0:20:120:20:16

so the fake jug starts off at exactly that size.

0:20:160:20:19

But when you fire it in the kiln, of course, it shrinks a little bit.

0:20:190:20:23

So it ends up smaller than the original piece.

0:20:230:20:27

Nice work, though.

0:20:270:20:28

Haven't seen one of these for a few years, in fact.

0:20:280:20:31

-Is it worth anything?

-Oh, yes! It's still a nice jug.

0:20:310:20:34

£10 on a market stall.

0:20:340:20:36

Maybe 15 to the right buyer.

0:20:360:20:38

PHONE RINGS

0:21:050:21:08

-Hi.

-Cherry? It's Elaine.

0:21:080:21:10

I hate to ask you this,

0:21:100:21:12

but I think I left a folder at the campus this morning.

0:21:120:21:15

A blue one, on the reception.

0:21:150:21:17

I was in such a rush.

0:21:170:21:18

-Are you coming in to the Mill later?

-Yeah, I'll bring it.

0:21:180:21:22

-Thank you.

-OK.

0:21:220:21:23

-Everything all right?

-No.

0:21:230:21:26

I bought this antique jug for £150.

0:21:260:21:28

It turns out it's a forgery.

0:21:280:21:30

-That's terrible.

-Hmm. No wonder the old git didn't want to take it back.

0:21:300:21:34

What are you going to do?

0:21:340:21:35

I'm going to go and get my money back.

0:21:350:21:38

Make sure you take someone with you.

0:21:380:21:40

There's no need.

0:21:400:21:42

If it's a forgery, you're dealing with a criminal. Take Jimmi.

0:21:420:21:45

I don't want him to know what a sucker I've been.

0:21:450:21:48

-I'll come with you.

-Elaine, it's not necessary.

0:21:480:21:50

No arguments. I'll never forgive myself if anything happened to you.

0:21:500:21:55

Er, where is this place?

0:21:550:21:56

OK.

0:21:580:21:59

I need some fresh air anyway. OK. Bye.

0:21:590:22:05

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

0:22:090:22:12

Some tea.

0:22:130:22:15

Ounce for ounce more caffeine than coffee. Did you know that? THIS will keep you going.

0:22:160:22:21

You're a life saver. Thank you.

0:22:210:22:23

Now, take my advice. Leave the book alone for tonight.

0:22:230:22:26

The book I am reading is an ocean of red herrings.

0:22:260:22:31

I have to keep reading it and re-reading it to keep track of it.

0:22:310:22:34

-Thank you, Mrs Tembe.

-Oh. Oh, right.

0:22:340:22:37

Hello?

0:23:160:23:18

Hello?

0:23:190:23:21

So, did you know this was fake?

0:23:260:23:28

A fake, you say? A fake what?

0:23:280:23:31

A fake antique.

0:23:310:23:33

-Is it?

-Your leg seems a lot better.

0:23:330:23:36

You said that it was worth a lot of money.

0:23:390:23:41

It's worth what someone's prepared to pay.

0:23:410:23:44

Did you set me up deliberately? Make me feel I was getting a bargain?

0:23:440:23:48

You were happy to pay the money.

0:23:480:23:50

That's because I thought it was a real antique.

0:23:500:23:52

Not just a few months old!

0:23:520:23:55

Sorry, I haven't got time for this!

0:23:550:23:57

Ah!

0:24:040:24:06

Much as I like visitors, I'm very busy.

0:24:090:24:13

You're not going to get away with this.

0:24:130:24:17

Another one!

0:24:200:24:22

So, have you got more people coming around?

0:24:220:24:26

One last con before you move...

0:24:260:24:27

No, don't!

0:24:270:24:29

This is the real one, you stupid girl! What have you done?

0:24:350:24:40

I wouldn't worry, it's not worth much.

0:24:400:24:42

Let me tell you something.

0:24:420:24:45

I did that jug that you had.

0:24:460:24:48

Pottery's my hobby.

0:24:480:24:51

I was proud of that jug. It's a nice jug.

0:24:510:24:54

But this is the real one.

0:24:550:24:59

I copied it, and this is worth a fortune.

0:24:590:25:02

You have to pay me.

0:25:040:25:06

-Don't be so ridiculous.

-You can afford it.

0:25:070:25:10

Marrying a doctor.

0:25:100:25:12

At least you know what it's worth.

0:25:140:25:17

You owe me £5,000.

0:25:210:25:24

Oh, I see.

0:25:310:25:33

OK, then.

0:25:330:25:35

So, which is the original?

0:25:350:25:37

This one?

0:25:380:25:39

-Or is it this one? Or...

-No, no, no, not...

0:25:390:25:42

Or maybe this one? None of them.

0:25:420:25:44

How about this one? This feels a little bit heavier.

0:25:440:25:47

That's my life savings.

0:25:470:25:49

Save it for the police.

0:25:490:25:52

PHONE RINGS

0:25:520:25:54

Cherry. Hi. Sorry, I'm on my way.

0:25:560:25:58

I got delayed.

0:25:580:26:00

What?

0:26:000:26:01

What, do you mean it's all sorted?

0:26:030:26:05

'I've got my money back.'

0:26:050:26:06

And I managed to keep the vase. It's a good forgery.

0:26:060:26:10

It might be worth a few grand, if I play my cards right.

0:26:100:26:13

Joke!

0:26:130:26:14

Yeah, OK. Well, I'm going to have to go now. Got to make a statement.

0:26:140:26:19

Yeah, I think I'll stick to 20 quid flowery vases from now on. Bye.

0:26:190:26:24

Er, hello. Er, yeah. I was wondering...

0:26:330:26:35

Sorry, I really need to speak to Oliver Clark.

0:26:350:26:38

Er, Oliver! Erm, it's Elaine Cassidy.

0:26:440:26:47

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm not coping too well.

0:26:490:26:52

Er...

0:26:550:26:58

Well, tomorrow'll be great.

0:26:580:27:00

Thank you.

0:27:030:27:05

-Part of me finds it weird.

-Weird?

0:27:090:27:11

Spending the day remembering your father.

0:27:110:27:13

I haven't met your mother yet.

0:27:130:27:15

I'm telling you the truth!

0:27:150:27:17

I can't trust what you tell me anymore.

0:27:170:27:19

I saw them together in the shop.

0:27:190:27:21

They do make a lovely couple, don't you agree?

0:27:210:27:24

LEFT! The other left!

0:27:240:27:26

-No, this is a one way street!

-CAR HORN BEEPS

0:27:260:27:28

Happy Birthday, Albert!

0:27:280:27:31

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:490:27:52

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0:27:520:27:55

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