Manhandled Doctors


Manhandled

Daniel is bemused when he meets an anthropology lecturer who believes his mojo has been stolen, while Elaine puts on a brave face for her colleagues on returning to work.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Oh, hi, Frank! How goes it with you?

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Did you hear about the BBC? No?

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They're going to make a series on my book on Africa.

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Yeah.

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They're in talks with my agents at the moment. Tedious,

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but they want ME to present it.

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Apparently, sexy academics are good for the ratings, the new celebrities.

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-Doug, don't forget I'm going to need you this morning.

-For?

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The urgent faculty meeting. To discuss the proposed cuts.

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Don't you read your memos?

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I circulated it days ago. Attendance is mandatory for senior staff.

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Well, it may be mandatory for most, Morris,

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but I hardly think that applies to me.

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Everyone knows it's Doug Beavis

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that holds this department together.

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It's my books alone that put the place on the map.

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Anyway, student intake on my course is up.

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Yes, even so, the cuts will affect everyone.

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Well, probably the dead wood. Quite right, too.

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We need to re-evaluate our content, Morris, make it more appealing,

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more marketable. Like this.

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Putting the sex back into anthropology.

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So it's about sex, is it?

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Isn't everything, Morris?

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One of those days where I have to fit patients in between paperwork.

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Do I take it from that harried tone,

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you have NOT completed the PCT questionnaire?

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Uh...when am I going to get time? Anyway, my comments in one -

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computer that doesn't crash every ten minutes would be a start.

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PCs. They were using those in the ark.

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No doubt they were, Dr Tyler,

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but Noah was still able to navigate towards land.

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Now, you want these questionnaires later today, Julia?

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For the PCT strategy meeting?

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Er, yeah. We'll have to meet up later on to talk about it.

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That's going to be a bit tight.

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We're all snowed under, Heston, but the deadline is looming.

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Aha! Here she is, back from her holiday

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bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

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Well, yes, Cornwall did agree with me.

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Just being by the sea, I feel rejuvenated.

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You certainly look rested, and that's good.

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I know, and I'm ready to get going again.

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You can see from this one that such rituals

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are the mainstay of African culture.

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This particular charming little ceremony took place in the Gambia.

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It marks a rites of passage. Such blind adherence to animism

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and the supernatural. Thank you for your attention.

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I, er, very much enjoyed your lecture, Mr Beavis.

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Oh, thank you very much.

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My name is Kwame Sonko, I'm from Gambia,

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so I'm interested in what you have to say.

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Oh. First time in my one of my lectures?

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Actually, I've been in your class all term.

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I'm an exchange student. I go home today.

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Oh, well. Good luck.

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Look, I can see you're a very busy man,

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but would you do me the honour and sign your book?

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Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

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Did you enjoy it?

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Well, yes, in general, but I did have a little problem

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with the author's scepticism in some parts.

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Oh, really? Which parts exactly?

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Well, for instance, your chapter discussing the belief systems

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within African cultures. I found some...inaccuracies, you could say.

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Page 108 in particular.

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I thought you might wish to re-evaluate what you have written there.

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Or maybe not.

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Maybe YOU had a problem, but luckily, my fans did not.

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Oh, no. I'm very sorry if I have offended you, Mr Beavis.

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Please understand that was not my intention. Please.

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You will know, obviously, in my culture

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we like to shake hands, man to man.

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Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

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Er...did you just see someone coming out?

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No, of course not, I've just arrived. Are you all right?

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You need to get a move on. Faculty meeting starts in two minutes.

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You haven't told me how Dubai was, by the way.

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Judging by that tan, your weather was better.

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Oh, it seems ages ago now.

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Julia, is there something on your mind?

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You know, erm, I'd really rather not talk about it, if you don't mind.

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Right. Fine.

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Make no doubt about it.

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In this current climate, no-one's tenure is safe.

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It's all about numbers now, bums on seats.

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Given that social sciences are usually the first to go,

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we in humanities are going to have to fight for our lives!

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Right. I'd like some ideas from you.

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Let's start with the principal lecturers.

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Doug! Your thoughts?

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You're something of a figurehead for the anthropology course,

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as you often remind us.

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Well...I have to say, erm, I'm feeling quite hurt by all of this.

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Erm, it, it's just not fair.

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Well, you talk about humanities, but I'm the one the pressure's on.

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I'm the one that has to risk life and limb going off into

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the heart of darkness and God knows where to bring home the moolah.

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I am the hunter-gatherer for this tribe

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and what thanks do I get? Just jeers and sneers from behind my back.

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Cuts?

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Well, if Doug Beavis doesn't perform,

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then none of you get fed.

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Have any of you thought of that?!

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SOBS

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What the hell was that about?

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You were acting like a big girl's blouse in there!

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Erm, I'm sorry, Morris. It's just, erm...

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It's not getting to you, is it, all this pressure you talk about?

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I don't know.

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You're not having a nervous breakdown, are you?

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-Oh, I don't think so. It's just that I feel, well, erm...

-Yes?

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..hormonal.

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Look, if you want to go ahead and act the diva at a time like this, that's fine.

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I'll just have to consider the cuts without you!

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Ooh, thanks.

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Julia, I couldn't help but think after hearing you guys this morning,

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could I maybe lend a hand with the PCT strategy work?

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Yeah, thanks very much.

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Good Samaritans week or something?

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Oh, don't worry. We'll all benefit if I get my way.

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It's about time this place entered the 21st century.

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Ah, still not following.

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-You'll see.

-Mr Fraser?

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Oh, Elaine, I think you'll find that's my patient.

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Oh, sorry. Er, Mr Martin?

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Would you like to go through?

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T4 600 package are both 3G enabled and GMS...

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Ah, Kevin. Do you know where Cherry is this morning?

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-Campus.

-Do you happen to know where she put the latest batch

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of blood test results? I've got a patient waiting. I've looked everywhere.

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She left them in reception in the usual place, that's where I got mine.

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Right. Of course. Thanks.

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What planet are you on?

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-Ey up!

-How you doing? All right?

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MAN WHISTLES

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Hey! Stop it!

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How dare you?!

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CAR HORN HONKS

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Are you OK?

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How do you put up with all that?

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Look, I'm a nurse. The surgery's just there.

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We should get you looked at.

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Do you want to take a seat?

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-What's wrong?

-He almost just got run over by a car.

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-He's not hurt, but I think that Daniel should take a look at him.

-Poor thing.

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What?

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I don't know. He just, he seems a bit weird.

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What do you mean?

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I can't quite put my finger on it.

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He just, he seems...a bit girly.

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Girly?

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Dr Granger, urgent patient to see you in reception.

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Doctor, you've got to believe me.

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Something very strange is happening to me.

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-I think I might be going mad.

-Can you elaborate?

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Well, man to man, you understand.

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It just that I don't feel manly anymore.

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It's as if my manliness has just evaporated.

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I've lost my mojo.

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Erectile dysfunction.

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No, no! I mean, look at me. Is the Pope Catholic?

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Doug Beavis does not, er, CANNOT have erectile dysfunction, as you call it.

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-You're having hot flushes?

-Yeah.

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Any other symptoms?

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I can't explain. I, erm, I feel wobbly,

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and um, I'm having dizzy spells,

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and er... For heaven's sakes!

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Tearfulness.

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OK, let's start by taking your blood pressure.

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What's the one instrument that can revolutionise

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and impact on the Mill Health Centre's medical practice?

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Ta-da!

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So, look, I think you've got nothing to worry about.

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It simply sounds like stress, but I will organise some tests for you just to be on the safe side.

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If I were you, I'd take some time out, go home,

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put your feet up, spend some relaxing time with your wife.

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Oh. Oh, thank you, doctor. Thank you very much.

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You really don't know how much this means to me.

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OK. Bye-bye.

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-OK. Bye.

-Bye.

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Hey, how did it go with Mr Beavis?

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Oh, er, you know, nothing that a holiday and some TLC wouldn't cure.

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Yeah, I'd vote for that.

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Are you OK?

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Sure.

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With thousands of apps at your fingertips, you can virtually tailor a bespoke medical practice,

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organising things such as consultations by video link,

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downloading the latest medical research for quicker, easier diagnosis

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and in particular for you, Julia, it has a capacity for inputting figures

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and statistical data which automatically

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feeds into the quarterly review and updates the business plan.

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And your point is?

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What's the matter with you?

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Not me.

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-Ah, smells like a men's locker room out there.

-SNIFFS DEEPLY

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And in here.

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Right, I came in for something.

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Please put those away. I just have to SEE chocolate

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and the weight goes on my thighs.

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You wanted something?

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Yes. Er, Karen, would you happen to know where

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the correspondence for my next patient is, please?

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Pretty please!

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I've left it on the reception desk along with...

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Did you have to fight Zara for the mirror this morning?

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That's not really necessary, is it?

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I've got a spot, actually.

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My complexion is bad at the moment

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Well, you want to watch that.

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Fat thighs, spotty. Not a good catch.

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At least Zara fancies you.

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This may come as a shock to you,

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but I'm not merely a sex object for Zara, she sees beyond my looks.

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Now, some of us have patients to see.

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Don't worry, Daniel, big bums are in!

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Yeah, they're supposed to be bootylicious!

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Are you saying that...

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-What's the matter with him?

-He's been like this all morning.

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THEY GIGGLE

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Do you think that we've got the funds to equip the entire practice with smart phones?

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-Do you want the Mill to be the dinosaurs of the medical world?

-Steady on, Kevin.

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Maybe we should cut the boy a little slack, given what he's been through.

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I am ready to trial your little experiment.

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Well, thank you, Heston.

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Everything OK?

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Mmm. I just wanted to check to see if you know about the Mill's policy

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regarding drunk and aggressive patients.

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Yes. Why are you asking me?

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OK, I think it's time to implement it.

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Ah... Oh, you've got a drunk, aggressive patient.

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Well, I don't know if he's drunk, but he's definitely aggressive.

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Aggressive...

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OK, let's just say that he's rather intimidating.

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Well, have you asked him to leave?

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I don't think so! No, the guy's obviously a bruiser.

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He'd use me as a football.

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So...what do you want me to do about it?

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It's just that some alpha males feel they need to prove themselves

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when they see another.

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No danger of that.

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It's got this wonderful appliance for recipes.

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I think you mean "application".

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You tap in the key ingredients and up they pop.

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Now, I'm thinking of something fruity for Marina.

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There's this wonderful Tuscan dish. There we go.

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And search.

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Hannah! Hannah, please! Wait!

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Wait! Hannah, don't...don't go!

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HE SOBS

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Oh, doctor! You have got to help me!

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So, I came straight home like you suggested

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and then I called my secretary

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and cancelled my appointments for the rest of the week and then...

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-Hot flush?

-Yes. You?

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Thanks.

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And then I decided to have some... special time with my wife.

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Yeah.

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And, well, you said it was just stress.

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I thought it was going to be all right, but when I tried to, erm...

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Go on.

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..to perform...

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Oh. Erectile dysfunction?

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No, it was worse. She came on too strong,

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and I felt...violated.

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Oh!

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I just curled up in a foetal ball and I told her to go away.

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I just don't feel like the same man any more.

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I understand.

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PHONE RINGS

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'Doug! Doug, are you there?

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'I understand you've gone off on sick leave.

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-'Well, we've made some decisions. I'll fill you in when you return.'

-Decisions?

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What decisions?

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That means they're going to get rid of me!

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Oh...

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SMARTPHONE TINKLES

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That's, um, that's an image for breast awareness.

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You, um, can't be too aware.

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Nice ring.

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We need to do something. We need to pull ourselves together.

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We need to retrace your steps before you came to me.

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Well, everything was normal. I felt fine. Until after my lecture.

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What happened after your lecture?

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Well, it went well, as usual,

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and I was sharing some anecdotes with some of my students.

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They tend to like that.

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Uh...

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There was one student, an African student.

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He asked me to sign my book.

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-Did you?

-Yes.

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Even though he suggested I rewrite some of it.

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What did he say?

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He said I should re-evaluate something that I'd written

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on page 108.

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This is hardly the point!

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I mean, if I was to give credence to everything...

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"On the same par as the belief that one's soul can be stolen

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"by a photograph, another intriguing but strong cultural belief

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"is the notion that one's manhood can be stolen by a handshake."

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But then you dismissed this as, "Superstitious peasant nonsense".

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You don't actually believe this? I mean, there must be some rational explanation.

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Oh, lord! He was an exchange student. He said he was leaving today!

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Got to get his details.

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I can't even remember his name!

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Come on.

0:21:340:21:35

-Porter's lodge called him a cab.

-Ah, what, like that one?

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Oh, no! Agh!

0:21:420:21:44

Oh! Start the day with everything

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and finish it with nothing. How can that be?

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I must have been unbearable, an utter plonker.

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This is ridiculous! What the hell has he done to us?

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Oh, it's so humiliating.

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"Humility" is close to the word "humiliation" for a reason.

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-Hey! What did you do?!

-Do?

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You know what he means!!

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But if you don't believe, how could I have done anything? Surely no harm has been done.

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OK! I concede there are some things that might be

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outside my realm of understanding.

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Mr Beavis, white academics like yourself

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are forever portraying Africa as a stereotype for your own ends.

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We are not these simple natives in mud huts you like to write about.

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Look, whatever you did, just undo it.

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Oh! Oh! Thank you! Thank you, thank you so much.

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-You don't know what this means to me!

-Are you kidding?!

0:22:570:23:01

Do you think I believe any of that?

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Er...now...let's not rock the boat when it's calm, Dr Granger.

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-You are a doctor?

-Yes.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Come in.

0:23:210:23:22

Elaine, the duty rota is now up on the system finally,

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I'm sorry I didn't get round to it earlier.

0:23:260:23:28

Thanks. Are you OK?

0:23:280:23:29

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

0:23:300:23:32

I'm... I've just been thinking about Mac.

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Why?

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Just remembering how I felt when I knew that other people

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weren't telling me the truth about him.

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And I'm hardly the person to confide in.

0:23:460:23:50

-Oh, no, I didn't...

-But that's what you're thinking.

0:23:500:23:53

Sally is now in the same position.

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And you know, I feel as if I should tell her.

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I'm a PhD student in chemistry.

0:24:140:24:18

-Oh.

-I made Mr Beavis a little cocktail

0:24:180:24:22

with an emasculating formula but it was just a mild exposure.

0:24:220:24:26

Transferable by skin contact or inhalation.

0:24:260:24:29

This was a hoax all along?

0:24:290:24:31

No, this was chemical poisoning!

0:24:310:24:33

What the hell do you think you were doing?

0:24:330:24:35

Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?

0:24:350:24:37

It was just a mild dose. It's not harmful, I promise.

0:24:370:24:41

How can you say that?!

0:24:410:24:42

It was powerful enough to be passed on to me.

0:24:420:24:44

What if I'd gone home and transferred this to my pregnant girlfriend?!

0:24:450:24:49

I did not mean for anybody else to be affected. But it WILL wear off!

0:24:490:24:53

This could be a criminal offence. I'm going to inform the police.

0:24:530:24:56

No, I am sorry, truly, but please, it will wear off. It probably has already.

0:24:560:25:01

Jimmi, can I rely on your absolute discretion?

0:25:080:25:11

-Hmm-mm.

-The thing is it's been sending me these images all afternoon,

0:25:110:25:16

and, erm, they've been getting increasingly...

0:25:160:25:19

And all I wanted was a fruit-based dessert!

0:25:190:25:22

Is she doing what I think she's doing?

0:25:220:25:23

I think so, and in this one, she's doing it with both of them.

0:25:230:25:27

Ooh! Dr Tyler, can you please help with that, um...

0:25:290:25:33

You dirty Gertie!

0:25:340:25:35

Unfortunately, it's been more trial than experiment, I'm afraid.

0:25:350:25:39

Yeah, fair enough.

0:25:390:25:41

You know, maybe not everyone's ready for the technical revolution. Nice try, though, mate.

0:25:430:25:47

I do think you should tread with extreme caution here,

0:25:470:25:51

consider the long-term implications before blasting this secret out to all concerned.

0:25:510:25:56

Yes, but, Elaine, in the long run, it is so unfair on Sally,

0:25:560:26:00

and on Chloe, for that matter.

0:26:000:26:02

You could well find yourself in the firing line if you're the one to tell.

0:26:020:26:06

Shoot the messenger.

0:26:070:26:08

And there's your relationship with Chloe to consider,

0:26:080:26:11

that could be seriously jeopardised.

0:26:110:26:14

What if Sally already knows? She could be tolerating this.

0:26:140:26:17

Uh! I could kill Patrick for putting them both through this.

0:26:170:26:22

You know what really gets me?

0:26:230:26:24

He knows what it's like to go through this stuff.

0:26:240:26:27

He watched me go through it.

0:26:270:26:29

All my kids had to go through it. Well, he's just ignoring that, is he?

0:26:290:26:33

He's just forgotten about all of that.

0:26:330:26:34

Either way, I would be very careful.

0:26:360:26:40

Yeah, I know. I know you're right.

0:26:430:26:46

Thank you very much for listening, Elaine.

0:26:490:26:51

I do really appreciate your level-headedness. Big relief.

0:26:510:26:56

Did you say Sarah was seeing an older guy?

0:27:040:27:06

There's a smart bloke outside. Looks like he can afford

0:27:060:27:08

-more than a dodgy pizza.

-What does he look like?

0:27:080:27:10

What sort of people would buy a dull little house?

0:27:140:27:16

Dull little people.

0:27:160:27:18

With a baby, you can't control everything.

0:27:180:27:20

Please don't book a scan.

0:27:200:27:22

Let's let the baby reveal itself to us when it's ready.

0:27:220:27:24

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:350:27:40

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:400:27:45

Daniel is bemused when he meets an anthropology lecturer who believes his mojo has been stolen; Daniel then begins to show similar symptoms. Elaine returns to work, putting on a brave face for her colleagues. And Kevin has an idea on how to revolutionise The Mill with technology.


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