Manhandled Doctors

Oh, hi, Frank! How goes it with you?

Did you hear about the BBC? No?

They're going to make a series on my book on Africa.

Yeah.

They're in talks with my agents at the moment. Tedious,

but they want ME to present it.

Apparently, sexy academics are good for the ratings, the new celebrities.

-Doug, don't forget I'm going to need you this morning.

-For?

The urgent faculty meeting. To discuss the proposed cuts.

Don't you read your memos?

I circulated it days ago. Attendance is mandatory for senior staff.

Well, it may be mandatory for most, Morris,

but I hardly think that applies to me.

Everyone knows it's Doug Beavis

that holds this department together.

It's my books alone that put the place on the map.

Anyway, student intake on my course is up.

Yes, even so, the cuts will affect everyone.

Well, probably the dead wood. Quite right, too.

We need to re-evaluate our content, Morris, make it more appealing,

more marketable. Like this.

Putting the sex back into anthropology.

So it's about sex, is it?

Isn't everything, Morris?

One of those days where I have to fit patients in between paperwork.

Do I take it from that harried tone,

you have NOT completed the PCT questionnaire?

Uh...when am I going to get time? Anyway, my comments in one -

computer that doesn't crash every ten minutes would be a start.

PCs. They were using those in the ark.

No doubt they were, Dr Tyler,

but Noah was still able to navigate towards land.

Now, you want these questionnaires later today, Julia?

For the PCT strategy meeting?

Er, yeah. We'll have to meet up later on to talk about it.

That's going to be a bit tight.

We're all snowed under, Heston, but the deadline is looming.

Aha! Here she is, back from her holiday

bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Well, yes, Cornwall did agree with me.

Just being by the sea, I feel rejuvenated.

You certainly look rested, and that's good.

I know, and I'm ready to get going again.

You can see from this one that such rituals

are the mainstay of African culture.

This particular charming little ceremony took place in the Gambia.

It marks a rites of passage. Such blind adherence to animism

and the supernatural. Thank you for your attention.

I, er, very much enjoyed your lecture, Mr Beavis.

Oh, thank you very much.

My name is Kwame Sonko, I'm from Gambia,

so I'm interested in what you have to say.

Oh. First time in my one of my lectures?

Actually, I've been in your class all term.

I'm an exchange student. I go home today.

Oh, well. Good luck.

Look, I can see you're a very busy man,

but would you do me the honour and sign your book?

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Did you enjoy it?

Well, yes, in general, but I did have a little problem

with the author's scepticism in some parts.

Oh, really? Which parts exactly?

Well, for instance, your chapter discussing the belief systems

within African cultures. I found some...inaccuracies, you could say.

Page 108 in particular.

I thought you might wish to re-evaluate what you have written there.

Or maybe not.

Maybe YOU had a problem, but luckily, my fans did not.

Oh, no. I'm very sorry if I have offended you, Mr Beavis.

Please understand that was not my intention. Please.

You will know, obviously, in my culture

we like to shake hands, man to man.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Er...did you just see someone coming out?

No, of course not, I've just arrived. Are you all right?

You need to get a move on. Faculty meeting starts in two minutes.

You haven't told me how Dubai was, by the way.

Judging by that tan, your weather was better.

Oh, it seems ages ago now.

Julia, is there something on your mind?

You know, erm, I'd really rather not talk about it, if you don't mind.

Right. Fine.

Make no doubt about it.

In this current climate, no-one's tenure is safe.

It's all about numbers now, bums on seats.

Given that social sciences are usually the first to go,

we in humanities are going to have to fight for our lives!

Right. I'd like some ideas from you.

Let's start with the principal lecturers.

Doug! Your thoughts?

You're something of a figurehead for the anthropology course,

as you often remind us.

Well...I have to say, erm, I'm feeling quite hurt by all of this.

Erm, it, it's just not fair.

Well, you talk about humanities, but I'm the one the pressure's on.

I'm the one that has to risk life and limb going off into

the heart of darkness and God knows where to bring home the moolah.

I am the hunter-gatherer for this tribe

and what thanks do I get? Just jeers and sneers from behind my back.

Cuts?

Well, if Doug Beavis doesn't perform,

then none of you get fed.

Have any of you thought of that?!

SOBS

What the hell was that about?

You were acting like a big girl's blouse in there!

Erm, I'm sorry, Morris. It's just, erm...

It's not getting to you, is it, all this pressure you talk about?

I don't know.

You're not having a nervous breakdown, are you?

-Oh, I don't think so. It's just that I feel, well, erm...

-Yes?

..hormonal.

Look, if you want to go ahead and act the diva at a time like this, that's fine.

I'll just have to consider the cuts without you!

Ooh, thanks.

Julia, I couldn't help but think after hearing you guys this morning,

could I maybe lend a hand with the PCT strategy work?

Yeah, thanks very much.

Good Samaritans week or something?

Oh, don't worry. We'll all benefit if I get my way.

It's about time this place entered the 21st century.

Ah, still not following.

-You'll see.

-Mr Fraser?

Oh, Elaine, I think you'll find that's my patient.

Oh, sorry. Er, Mr Martin?

Would you like to go through?

T4 600 package are both 3G enabled and GMS...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah, Kevin. Do you know where Cherry is this morning?

-Campus.

-Do you happen to know where she put the latest batch

of blood test results? I've got a patient waiting. I've looked everywhere.

She left them in reception in the usual place, that's where I got mine.

Right. Of course. Thanks.

What planet are you on?

-Ey up!

-How you doing? All right?

MAN WHISTLES

Hey! Stop it!

How dare you?!

CAR HORN HONKS

Are you OK?

How do you put up with all that?

Look, I'm a nurse. The surgery's just there.

We should get you looked at.

Do you want to take a seat?

-What's wrong?

-He almost just got run over by a car.

-He's not hurt, but I think that Daniel should take a look at him.

-Poor thing.

What?

I don't know. He just, he seems a bit weird.

What do you mean?

I can't quite put my finger on it.

He just, he seems...a bit girly.

Girly?

Dr Granger, urgent patient to see you in reception.

Doctor, you've got to believe me.

Something very strange is happening to me.

-I think I might be going mad.

-Can you elaborate?

Well, man to man, you understand.

It just that I don't feel manly anymore.

It's as if my manliness has just evaporated.

I've lost my mojo.

Erectile dysfunction.

No, no! I mean, look at me. Is the Pope Catholic?

Doug Beavis does not, er, CANNOT have erectile dysfunction, as you call it.

-You're having hot flushes?

-Yeah.

Any other symptoms?

I can't explain. I, erm, I feel wobbly,

and um, I'm having dizzy spells,

and er... For heaven's sakes!

Tearfulness.

OK, let's start by taking your blood pressure.

What's the one instrument that can revolutionise

and impact on the Mill Health Centre's medical practice?

Ta-da!

So, look, I think you've got nothing to worry about.

It simply sounds like stress, but I will organise some tests for you just to be on the safe side.

If I were you, I'd take some time out, go home,

put your feet up, spend some relaxing time with your wife.

Oh. Oh, thank you, doctor. Thank you very much.

You really don't know how much this means to me.

OK. Bye-bye.

-OK. Bye.

-Bye.

Hey, how did it go with Mr Beavis?

Oh, er, you know, nothing that a holiday and some TLC wouldn't cure.

Yeah, I'd vote for that.

Are you OK?

Sure.

With thousands of apps at your fingertips, you can virtually tailor a bespoke medical practice,

organising things such as consultations by video link,

downloading the latest medical research for quicker, easier diagnosis

and in particular for you, Julia, it has a capacity for inputting figures

and statistical data which automatically

feeds into the quarterly review and updates the business plan.

And your point is?

What's the matter with you?

Not me.

-Ah, smells like a men's locker room out there.

-SNIFFS DEEPLY

And in here.

Right, I came in for something.

Please put those away. I just have to SEE chocolate

and the weight goes on my thighs.

You wanted something?

Yes. Er, Karen, would you happen to know where

the correspondence for my next patient is, please?

Pretty please!

I've left it on the reception desk along with...

Did you have to fight Zara for the mirror this morning?

That's not really necessary, is it?

I've got a spot, actually.

My complexion is bad at the moment

Well, you want to watch that.

Fat thighs, spotty. Not a good catch.

At least Zara fancies you.

This may come as a shock to you,

but I'm not merely a sex object for Zara, she sees beyond my looks.

Now, some of us have patients to see.

Don't worry, Daniel, big bums are in!

Yeah, they're supposed to be bootylicious!

Are you saying that...

-What's the matter with him?

-He's been like this all morning.

THEY GIGGLE

Do you think that we've got the funds to equip the entire practice with smart phones?

-Do you want the Mill to be the dinosaurs of the medical world?

-Steady on, Kevin.

Maybe we should cut the boy a little slack, given what he's been through.

I am ready to trial your little experiment.

Well, thank you, Heston.

Everything OK?

Mmm. I just wanted to check to see if you know about the Mill's policy

regarding drunk and aggressive patients.

Yes. Why are you asking me?

OK, I think it's time to implement it.

Ah... Oh, you've got a drunk, aggressive patient.

Well, I don't know if he's drunk, but he's definitely aggressive.

Aggressive...

OK, let's just say that he's rather intimidating.

Well, have you asked him to leave?

I don't think so! No, the guy's obviously a bruiser.

He'd use me as a football.

So...what do you want me to do about it?

It's just that some alpha males feel they need to prove themselves

when they see another.

No danger of that.

It's got this wonderful appliance for recipes.

I think you mean "application".

You tap in the key ingredients and up they pop.

Now, I'm thinking of something fruity for Marina.

There's this wonderful Tuscan dish. There we go.

And search.

Hannah! Hannah, please! Wait!

Wait! Hannah, don't...don't go!

HE SOBS

Oh, doctor! You have got to help me!

So, I came straight home like you suggested

and then I called my secretary

and cancelled my appointments for the rest of the week and then...

-Hot flush?

-Yes. You?

Thanks.

And then I decided to have some... special time with my wife.

Yeah.

And, well, you said it was just stress.

I thought it was going to be all right, but when I tried to, erm...

Go on.

..to perform...

Oh. Erectile dysfunction?

No, it was worse. She came on too strong,

and I felt...violated.

Oh!

I just curled up in a foetal ball and I told her to go away.

I just don't feel like the same man any more.

I understand.

PHONE RINGS

'Doug! Doug, are you there?

'I understand you've gone off on sick leave.

-'Well, we've made some decisions. I'll fill you in when you return.'

-Decisions?

What decisions?

That means they're going to get rid of me!

Oh...

SMARTPHONE TINKLES

That's, um, that's an image for breast awareness.

You, um, can't be too aware.

Nice ring.

We need to do something. We need to pull ourselves together.

We need to retrace your steps before you came to me.

Well, everything was normal. I felt fine. Until after my lecture.

What happened after your lecture?

Well, it went well, as usual,

and I was sharing some anecdotes with some of my students.

They tend to like that.

Uh...

There was one student, an African student.

He asked me to sign my book.

-Did you?

-Yes.

Even though he suggested I rewrite some of it.

What did he say?

He said I should re-evaluate something that I'd written

on page 108.

This is hardly the point!

I mean, if I was to give credence to everything...

"On the same par as the belief that one's soul can be stolen

"by a photograph, another intriguing but strong cultural belief

"is the notion that one's manhood can be stolen by a handshake."

But then you dismissed this as, "Superstitious peasant nonsense".

You don't actually believe this? I mean, there must be some rational explanation.

Oh, lord! He was an exchange student. He said he was leaving today!

Got to get his details.

I can't even remember his name!

Come on.

-Porter's lodge called him a cab.

-Ah, what, like that one?

Oh, no! Agh!

Oh! Start the day with everything

and finish it with nothing. How can that be?

I must have been unbearable, an utter plonker.

This is ridiculous! What the hell has he done to us?

Oh, it's so humiliating.

"Humility" is close to the word "humiliation" for a reason.

-Hey! What did you do?!

-Do?

You know what he means!!

But if you don't believe, how could I have done anything? Surely no harm has been done.

OK! I concede there are some things that might be

outside my realm of understanding.

Mr Beavis, white academics like yourself

are forever portraying Africa as a stereotype for your own ends.

We are not these simple natives in mud huts you like to write about.

Look, whatever you did, just undo it.

Oh! Oh! Thank you! Thank you, thank you so much.

-You don't know what this means to me!

-Are you kidding?!

Do you think I believe any of that?

Er...now...let's not rock the boat when it's calm, Dr Granger.

-You are a doctor?

-Yes.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Elaine, the duty rota is now up on the system finally,

I'm sorry I didn't get round to it earlier.

Thanks. Are you OK?

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I'm... I've just been thinking about Mac.

Why?

Just remembering how I felt when I knew that other people

weren't telling me the truth about him.

And I'm hardly the person to confide in.

-Oh, no, I didn't...

-But that's what you're thinking.

Sally is now in the same position.

And you know, I feel as if I should tell her.

I'm a PhD student in chemistry.

-Oh.

-I made Mr Beavis a little cocktail

with an emasculating formula but it was just a mild exposure.

Transferable by skin contact or inhalation.

This was a hoax all along?

No, this was chemical poisoning!

What the hell do you think you were doing?

Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?

It was just a mild dose. It's not harmful, I promise.

How can you say that?!

It was powerful enough to be passed on to me.

What if I'd gone home and transferred this to my pregnant girlfriend?!

I did not mean for anybody else to be affected. But it WILL wear off!

This could be a criminal offence. I'm going to inform the police.

No, I am sorry, truly, but please, it will wear off. It probably has already.

Jimmi, can I rely on your absolute discretion?

-Hmm-mm.

-The thing is it's been sending me these images all afternoon,

and, erm, they've been getting increasingly...

And all I wanted was a fruit-based dessert!

Is she doing what I think she's doing?

I think so, and in this one, she's doing it with both of them.

Ooh! Dr Tyler, can you please help with that, um...

You dirty Gertie!

Unfortunately, it's been more trial than experiment, I'm afraid.

Yeah, fair enough.

You know, maybe not everyone's ready for the technical revolution. Nice try, though, mate.

I do think you should tread with extreme caution here,

consider the long-term implications before blasting this secret out to all concerned.

Yes, but, Elaine, in the long run, it is so unfair on Sally,

and on Chloe, for that matter.

You could well find yourself in the firing line if you're the one to tell.

Shoot the messenger.

And there's your relationship with Chloe to consider,

that could be seriously jeopardised.

What if Sally already knows? She could be tolerating this.

Uh! I could kill Patrick for putting them both through this.

You know what really gets me?

He knows what it's like to go through this stuff.

He watched me go through it.

All my kids had to go through it. Well, he's just ignoring that, is he?

He's just forgotten about all of that.

Either way, I would be very careful.

Yeah, I know. I know you're right.

Thank you very much for listening, Elaine.

I do really appreciate your level-headedness. Big relief.

Did you say Sarah was seeing an older guy?

There's a smart bloke outside. Looks like he can afford

-more than a dodgy pizza.

-What does he look like?

What sort of people would buy a dull little house?

Dull little people.

With a baby, you can't control everything.

Please don't book a scan.

Let's let the baby reveal itself to us when it's ready.

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