Officers' Mess Doctors

Company! Eyes...right!

Come on, you nasty lot! Come on, quicker! Faster!

-They're on us. They're behind us.

-Good work, Captain Sims.

-Vickers, Aston, now! Go!

-Excellent.

They're on us. Come on, it's ours to lose!

Brooking, you're lagging behind!

Come on, that's it! Over. Quick, quick, quick.

Come on! Pick up the pace, that's it. Come on! Come on, team.

That's hardly leading from the front, Brooking!

# ..King Wenceslas looked out

# On the feast of Stephen... #

Somebody's got the Christmas spirit.

Oh, I am looking to performing at St Philomena's.

Eh, perhaps I could look in on Doctor Cassidy?

Julia's visiting.

Apparently, she's fine. They're just keeping her in for observation.

Ah, well, that is a relief.

Nurse Malone, have you learnt the CORRECT lyrics yet?

-Well, I, I...

-Are you not looking forward to it?

Well, it's just not very convenient.

I'm sure the patients don't think spending Christmas in hospital is "convenient".

-I didn't mean that.

-We have a duty to those poor people to turn up and do our best.

Now, I hope you're not thinking of letting them - and us - down(?)

No.

Good.

Well, the ladies of the choir are very excited.

But we do have an... established way of working,

-now with regard to the conducting...

-I don't need any tips on conducting.

-But...

-I have my own way of working and they'll just have to follow me.

Right, song sheets.

Morning, ma'am. Pass, please.

Zara Carmichael, I'm here to see Captain Sims.

Straight on.

-Not a great performance.

-We should be doing live-fire, not log-slogging.

-Are you questioning my judgment?

-I'm saying...

We were on the range at dawn, we're in Tin City tomorrow.

None of that is any use

if we haven't got the lung power to sustain us through contact.

Now listen in!

As you know, we are being considered for operational deployment.

Selection is a distinct privilege

and recognition that we, as a squadron, are considered able

to take the field - and fight - as well as our regular counterparts.

I have every intention of gaining us that privilege.

That is all.

-He can cut the martinet act.

-He wants the deployment.

-Maybe not for all of us.

-What do you mean?

Third time he's bawled me out this week.

If I didn't know better, I'd say he was sending me a message.

Carmichael!

Simmsy!

Look at you. Nice make-up.

Do they do matching lippy?

Actually, yes. Limited distribution, marines, special forces

and weirdos over the internet.

Actually, think I prefer your usual shade of Sultry Scarlet.

I think my scarlet days might be behind me.

Hey, you're...

Not quite the same Carmichael.

Bad girl, you didn't tell me!

-I thought you liked surprises.

-And it's a great one.

Shame now, I thought you were coming down for a bit of action,

-looks like I'll have to handle the boys on my own.

-Well, not so fast, Simmsy.

I can still grab some of the attention.

-In a evening maternity dress?

-I can still do sexy.

-I'm sure.

Anyway, rest of the day is going to be fun, fun, fun, drinks, lunch, general celebration.

We can freshen up at mine. You can watch me change back into a girl.

Company! Eyes...left!

A spa? Do you know how much I'd love that?

Well, I've got another night before I have to head home.

Why don't you come back with me after dinner?

Thanks, but I know I'd just be late for parade tomorrow.

That's a shame. I could have done with some sparky company.

Most of the women there are wealthy women d'un certain age.

But then at dinner, lots of younger men appear at their tables.

Mmm... Sin City.

Oh, yes.

While their husband's are trading oil or playing golf,

they're living it up at Toy-Boy Central.

-Jealous?

-I prefer men to boys.

But if they can work a pair of leather trousers...

I take it Daniel's a definite man, then?

He has his moments.

So this wasn't one of your eat them up and spit them out relationships?

Well, hardly. I wouldn't be having this baby with him, would I?

-Hey, I...

-It was a really big decision and it wasn't easy.

We, we had to...

Problems?

We had to do IVF.

Well, it worked.

Before you know it, you'll be covered in nappies and going to bed at six o'clock.

Why does everyone assume that because I'm having a baby my entire life is over?

Never really figured out why you do all this.

-What?

-This TA stuff.

You've got your life in London.

Why spend your weekend scrabbling in the mud?

-It's different.

-It's lunacy.

Corporate law isn't so sexy.

And lying in ditches is?

Can be.

I've been taking sleeping tablets.

Well, there's nothing unusual about that.

Hang...hang on, are you saying that yesterday, it...

it wasn't an overdose?

No. No. It was...

It was a combination of sleeping tablets and...

and other things.

Well, what other things?

Herbal stimulants.

You were taking sleeping pills AND stimulants?

I couldn't sleep and I couldn't get going.

Yeah, but you shouldn't have taken them together.

-I know.

-You would know that. I mean, you are a doctor.

I know, I'm a doctor, and...

..contrary to my own advice on many occasions,

I bought them off the internet.

Why would you do that? Are they illegal?

Not illegal...just...

..I was ashamed of taking so much medication.

It's unforgivable in my position.

I have to go, Julia. I'm a liability.

I think I should resign.

Of course, you're off the booze.

I can still be fun.

-Oh, hello. Here comes something shiny.

-Hi.

Jamie, this is Zara. Zara, Jamie Brooking.

So are you a captain?

Lieutenant.

Kate's subordinate?

Junior.

Oh, you don't look so very junior to me.

-Carmichael, I've already warned him about you.

-Oh, really?

In the nicest way. Kate said her most beautiful friend was coming.

Well, I won't challenge the description.

It's true, especially in your present condition.

Oh, congratulations. And you do look wonderful.

Captain Sims, I take it this is your guest?

Zara Carmichael, Major Fallon.

-Simon.

-Simon is our officer commanding.

And are you...

commanding?

Oh, I keep them in order.

Well, meeting you two boys,

now I understand what it is that attracted Kate to the TA.

GONG RINGS

-Ah, luncheon is served. Shall we, er...?

-Oh.

It was a vasovagal attack.

Erm, I do the money and people, remember?

My heart slowed, that caused my blood pressure to drop.

Right, so that's why you fainted?

And was this all down to the drugs?

Maybe some fatigue involved, but it was...

it was probably down to something cardiotoxic in the medication I was buying.

I know. I know. Prize dope.

No pun intended.

Elaine, I think I could have prevented this, you know.

All that dreadful stuff with Harrison.

You should've had more time off, I should've insisted.

It was nothing to do with you, Julia. It was down to me.

My own mess. My own stupid fault.

So, you and Kate go back a long way?

Oh, before uni, before Kate went off to do boring law.

And before you decided to do boring medicine.

-I imagine medicine's interesting.

-You get to meet sick people.

And tell me, your last job was the conveyancing on a...?

-Confectionary factory.

-Any freebies?

It was a multi-million-pound deal.

No, surely they could have chucked you a box of soft-centres.

So, Jamie, what do you do on Civvy Street?

Lieutenant Brooking is an estate agent.

Lettings rather than sales, I believe?

-I head up the lettings department.

-Battersea office.

Oh. We used to warm up on the Northcote Road, before heading into town.

Bet you were quite a combination.

You must have made a stunning pair.

"Stunning"?

Isn't there must be a less tabloid term to describe beautiful women?

Zara was the beautiful one. I was just her sidekick.

I think you do protest...

CROCKERY CLATTERS

Oh! Sorry. Clumsy pregnancy thing...

What does your therapist say?

Ah.

What?

He's dumped me.

Oh. Can he do that?

-If he feels I'm no longer engaging with therapy.

-Ooh!

Maybe he needs a therapist.

Actually, maybe I should get one for the all staff.

Especially the ones that are moving house.

He'd have much more to deal with than that...

Yeah. You mean like a fixation with waistcoats and bow ties.

We wouldn't have time to do surgery.

We'd have to put a sign up saying,

"Sorry, closed, due to staff being in therapy."

Except you, of course.

Julia?

I'm sorry. Excuse me a minute.

Julia?

So, which one is it?

Juicy Jamie or Major Manhood?

The Major's married with two children.

-Isn't he's also a chiselled god?

-And?

All's fair in love and war games.

It's Jamie.

Yummy! So what's it like when he storms your ramparts?

Carmichael!

Oh! So it's serious, is it?

-It's kind of on and off.

-Well, so is it on or off?

We did get a bit drunk in the mess last night.

Oh, I remember those.

Waking up in the morning to a bed full of booty.

KATE LAUGHS

-And a hangover and a sense of guilt.

-Well, the hangovers were a drag.

So do you plan on getting him disorderly tonight?

Not sure if it's a good idea.

Sex is invariably a good idea.

Especially if it's with your own Action Man,

with close-cropped hair and gripping hands...

It's over here by the Christmas tree.

If you'd all like to step this way.

There we are. Sopranos at the front, altos at the back.

Doris, darling, you're a bit on the tall side,

so altos at the back, please. Thank you.

Freya, I should like you at the back, as well.

I...know my resemblance to Katherine Jenkins is only passing,

but I'm actually a soprano.

Yes, but your ensemble does not match our ensemble.

There was me thinking we were singing carols, not learning French?

I told everyone to wear white blouses

and you're wearing red! I mean...

Just think of me as a festive bauble.

Oh, Emily and Virginia, er, you're sopranos,

so if you'd like to take your places over here... Yes?

Are you a soprano?

Yes, I am.

Er, Hermione, darling, Hermione. Hermione.

She's a soprano all right. She's Tony Soprano.

Oh! Very good.

Mrs Tembe, I thought that you at least would be taking this seriously.

I take all my charitable ventures very seriously.

Then can you please stop gossiping and get into line? Thank you.

-Where's Cherry?

-I'm here!

How many times did I tell you, you mustn't be late?

I didn't mean to be!

The sopranos are all ranged over here, if you'd care to take your place.

No giggling, please.

Right then, do come along. Come along.

Posture, posture!

"Here, stand up straight, you 'orrible little choir!"

THEY ALL LAUGH

So you and Kate were quite the girls about town?

We had our moments.

So who were the suitors?

Why would you like to know?

General interest.

Is he a senior officer?

Touche.

So?

City boys. Lawyers.

There was one Middle-Eastern Prince who sent over a jeroboam,

in the hope that it would hook the two of us...

Did he get his wish?

Not with Kate.

So who DID Kate get involved with?

General interest?

Well, she's my second in command.

So you'd like to know the history of anyone who's serving under you?

A few long-termers. A couple of flings.

I know of at least one...

married man.

With your medical training,

you would have been a very useful member of the TA.

Not quite my thing. I enjoy discipline.

But I prefer dispensing it.

Julia?

Elaine, you shouldn't be out here.

-I should, if you are upset.

-Oh, it's nothing.

It's obviously not nothing.

Well, it's just... It...it's Chloe.

Well, no, it's not. It is Patrick, really. It's just...

It's just such a mess!

Come back inside.

I really do need to get back to The Mill.

It's your paperwork afternoon.

Surely even talking to me's more interesting than that?

OK.

Shall we begin?

On your song sheets, number five, Frosty The Snowman.

Yeah, I KNOW it's not traditional.

Yes, and I know that you think that it's a jingle.

But jingles do have their place, you know.

Is Jingle Bells a jingle?

-What?

-Oh, it's a fair point.

Clever self-reference in the title, but..

Look...I just think that Frosty is a jolly...

number to begin with. That's all.

So if you wouldn't mind? Thank you.

Erm...

One, two, three...

-MARINA DROWNS OUT THE CHOIR

-# Frosty the Snowman

# Has a jolly happy soul

# With a corncob pipe and a button nose

# And two eyes made out of coal... #

You've done him as well, haven't you?

Who?

Major Manhood.

You've jumped his bones.

When, where, and how many times?

I can't tell you here. Come on.

It happened when we were on exercise in Canada.

-"Exercise" being the appropriate verb.

-I'm not proud.

-Of bedding your commanding officer?

-I'm not proud that he's married. Or that I cheated on Jamie.

I thought that was on and off?

It was on at the time.

How long have you been seeing Jamie?

Three years.

But you don't love him?

Oh, Jamie's really attentive. He's kind and thoughtful and...

Buys you flowers every Friday?

Actually, yes, he used to, before I told him to stop.

But Jamie's always there when I need him.

-A safety net?

-He's safe.

Safe isn't sexy. Dangerous is sexy.

Naughty is sexy.

Carmichael!

So marks out of ten for Major Manhood?

We haven't gone all the way.

Never?

Everything but.

-And how was "everything but"?

-Oh, fantastic!

Right, you have to take what you want.

Oh, what about Jamie?

He's your safety net.

Why not have a dance on the high wire?

Oh, I can't!

This is your chance.

If you don't take it, you could spend the rest of your life

wondering what it might have been like.

Amazing how us men can go to the powder-room unaccompanied.

It's more than merely functional. For us, it's a place of intrigue.

Of gossip.

Of secrets revealed.

-What did she say?

-Perhaps she didn't say anything.

Zara...

How much do you want her?

-I, er...

-How much...

do you...want her?

What are you waiting for?

Zara, I need to speak to you...

# So he said, "Let's run and we'll have some fun..." #

No, no, no, no, no, no!

-You're completely mistiming it!

-Marina...

-WHAT?

Can I just have a little word?

Look...

..we're really grateful for everything you've done

and putting this whole thing together, that's a real achievement.

Well, it would have been easier if people were a little more diligent.

Right. With regard to that, we...

That is, the choir, we're thinking that...

We're thinking that in terms of musical direction,

it might be better if somebody else took the lead.

So you all think it's my fault?

No, not "fault".

We just need someone with a little more sensitivity.

I just I wanted it to go well, that's all...

And it will. With a firmer hand on the tiller.

Or baton.

And who exactly were you, erm...?

Mrs Tembe?

No, this is Mrs Bonnaire's project.

Oh, well, if, er...

..that's how you feel then, erm...

Well...

Well, I...I will endeavour to honour your commitment

and organisation by conducting to the best of my ability.

Erm, page eight, please.

Good King Wenceslas.

# Aaaaa! #

Two, three, four.

# Good King Wenceslas last looked out on the feast of Stephen

# When the snow lay round about

# Deep and crisp and even

# Brightly shown the moon that night... #

I was so looking forward to having Chloe live close by, you know?

I'd all these plans, things we'd do together, you know,

we'd go for walks.

We'd go shopping and, er, I would take her to the cinema.

But is it really that definite?

For her mother it is.

And I suppose after the way that Patrick's behaved,

if I was being objective, which, of course, I can't be...

Can you try building bridges?

Pretty much burned them.

Sorry.

SHE SOBS

It was never meant to be like this. I never thought it would be.

A family's supposed to be a unit and mine is just scattered.

It's just broken.

Elaine, I...

I don't even know if I'm ever going to see Chloe again!

If the brass give us the nod, we'll be going on deployment next spring.

Well, when I say "we..."

You won't be volunteering?

Of course I'll volunteer.

I just I think Fallon will be recommending me for Rear Party.

"Rear Party"?

Left behind to deal with admin, family issues...

And what about Kate?

-Well, she'll be going. She's the second in command.

-His right-hand woman.

In his dreams.

He'd love a crack at her, but his wife keeps him on a short lead.

Especially after she caught him having an affair with someone in his firm.

-Really?

-Complete womaniser. Can't you tell?

Aren't you worried about her?

Active service? Sure.

No, I, I, I mean...

And I don't want to jinx it and I know it's been off and on, but...

I want to give her this.

I thought if I proposed, I could convince her of just how serious I am.

What do you think?

I think she'll get the message, but...

Great.

-W-where are you going?

-No time like the present.

Oh, Jamie...

# When a poor man came in sight

# Gathering winter fuel... #

-# 'Bring me flesh and bring me wine...' #

-Jamie!

# 'Bring me pine logs hither...' #

Jamie..!

# 'Thou and I will see him dine

# 'When we bear them thither.' #

Oh, no.

# Page and monarch forth they went... #

You must think I'm a complete wreck.

You're an amateur, compared to me.

Of late, I'm an Olympic-standard wreck.

Elaine, what are you doing at Christmas?

Hiding under the duvet with some non-dairy chocolates.

Well, would you like to do that in my house?

I've heard of Crisis at Christmas...

Well, we'll call it CRISES at Christmas.

I'd like to think it was charitable,

but, to be honest with you, I just...

I just can't face the thought of Christmas on my own.

And anyway, you need to recuperate...

That's very kind. I'd love to.

Good. Good. Good.

-You knew she was sleeping with Fallon!

-No, that's not...

-Jamie!

-How long has it been going on?

-Today!

-Liar!

-No, it's true.

-I showed you the ring. You could said!

-Why didn't you stop him?

-I...

-Now look, Brooking...

Jamie!

You'll be on a charge for that.

You're married! Not that that's ever stopped you.

-Brooking!

-What about that NATO liaison officer in Canada?

She any good?

This is your fault.

It was not me who was having sex with them both.

You wish that it was. And you wanted fireworks.

-No, that's not...

-You love to manipulate people, play them off against each other.

I seem to remember that YOU enjoyed some of that.

Not like you. With you, it's a psychopathic need for attention.

That is just not...

You're a little girl.

You're scared because you're with one man,

you're scared because you're pregnant and you're scared because you're getting older.

I am not scared.

You're terrified. You always were.

Kate...

Just go.

# We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# And a happy new year

# Good tidings we bring

# To you and your kin

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# And a happy new year

# Now bring us a figgy pudding Now bring us a figgy pudding

# Now bring us a figgy pudding

# And bring some out here... #

Hello, it's me.

I want you to call me back.

Because...

I want you to tell me that I AM a good person.

I know what I have been like.

And I know we've had some fun with that.

But I...

I want to change.

I want to be a good mother.

I want...

I'm just looking forward to coming home tomorrow.

OUR home...

# Good tidings we bring

# To you and your kin

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# And a happy new year

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# And a happy new year. #

Well, I'm going to tell her straight and she'll laugh and smile and...

That's not going to work, is it?

You knew about this, didn't you?

I want the best turkey in Letherbridge.

Sorry, can't help.

What?

-You might as well just tell me.

-Well, we would if we...

I'm not asking you, airhead, I'm asking him.

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