The Season to be Jolly Doctors

All packed and ready to go?

You're mad, going at this time of year.

It'll be brill. Who else goes interrailing at Christmas?

Nobody else is that stupid.

-You're jealous.

-Yeah, right.

What will you do on Christmas Day?

Anything I like for a change.

No, actually, I suppose you won't be under orders to enjoy yourself.

I can be as miserable as I like.

-Yeah, well, you won't be as miserable as we are.

-What?

After all these years, you two don't enjoy the traditional Hollins family Christmas?

What's not to enjoy? The stress, the rows...

-The dry turkey.

-Inappropriate presents, bad films.

-The boredom.

-The endless games of Monopoly.

-The tree falling over on me.

-Aunt Ag being a total...

Mum bursting into tears.

Actually, Jack, I think you've convinced me.

I'm going to come with you.

PAN RATTLES

All right, love?

I would like everybody round this table, at one o'clock exactly.

OK?

What for?

You'll find out.

-I was going fishing.

-I was going back to bed.

-I don't care.

One o'clock. Here.

I've got to get to work.

What was all that about?

Well, you know your mother...

it'll be something totally barking.

-Roll on tomorrow.

-I'm still going back to bed.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, hiya! You all right?

Today?

Oh, well, the thing is...

No, no, that's no problem.

Be nice to see you.

Are you sure you're up to it?

Yes, but I don't stand a chance if I can't get the afternoon off.

It is a very busy time.

Yeah, it's heaving(!)

I know I'm asking a lot but Jack goes away tomorrow.

No, it's fine. Family comes first. You can leave at 12.

Yay! Thank you.

But don't put yourself under any pressure, OK? Just enjoy it.

Far greater women than you have tried and failed.

There is no shame in it at all.

Well, not this time. It's perfection or bust!

-What do you think?

-Bust.

-Absolutely.

I heard that!

Miss Faisal, I won't keep you a moment.

Karen, if Zara calls can you tell her I'm snowed under?

You haven't told her about the house.

I'm surprising her.

What's the strategy?

I'm going to tell her straight, she'll laugh and...

-That won't work, will it?

-No.

OK, I've still got a day to sort it. She's back tomorrow, so...

# Just hear those sleigh bells jinglin'

# Ring ting a' tinglin' too

# Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-dong-ding

# Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you

# Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-dong-ding

# Outside the snow is falling and friends are a-calling

# "Yoo-hoo"

# Ring-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-dong-ding

# Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you... #

Daniel?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Daniel!

Oh, come on, I'm bursting!

Finally.

Ah, who the hell are you?!

Karen, I need you.

I'm flattered, obviously, but...

Zara's back - she went to the house, met the tenant, sent me a text.

-Oh, bad.

-Yeah, look.

Oh, blimey, that needs an 18 certificate!

She's coming here. What am I going to do?

Why are you asking me?

-Well, cos you have a certain grace under pressure.

-Do I?

-Yeah, look what you've been through this year.

-I'd rather not.

It's funny you should say that

cos I'm planning a big thing this afternoon.

OK, Karen, and back to me.

OK? Zara - coming here - pair of pliers - my manhood.

Sorry. Well...er...

Talk it through, work the problem.

OK. Yeah, yeah, I suppose...

with a bit more time, I could've talked her round,

broken it to her gently, you know me.

-You're a very charming man.

-Exactly.

I could've convinced her to move to that house,

but now Jimmi's move's fallen through, we're all spending Christmas together.

Ooh! Cherry's never been Zara's favourite person, has she?

Yeah, that's a huge understatement.

She's heavily pregnant, very hormonal,

which makes her very moody.

She's not moody normally, is she?

As far as I can see, you've only got one option.

-Which is?

-Run.

Aah!

Granger!

Where is he?

-Daniel?

-No, the Pope! Of course Daniel!

-Oh, you just missed him. He's... he's on a house call.

-How convenient!

You knew about this, didn't you?

Oop!

# Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock

# Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring

# Snowin' and blowin' up bushels of fun

# Now the jingle hop has begun

# Jingle bell, jingle bell... #

Where the hell is Daniel Granger?

You know where he is. He's running away from me.

Do you know what's happened to my house? It's full of naked men!

Where is he? Is he under his desk? Has he got a woman with him?

Has he sold my house? I'm pregnant!

# What a bright time

# It's the right time... #

You must know where he is! You are his mate.

Where is Daniel Granger? Is he in his office, room?

You seen him, is he under his desk?

Has he got a woman, has he moved out of the...

Jimmi.

# Giddy-up, jingle horse

# Pick up your feet... #

-HE INHALES DEEPLY

-What are you doing?

Zara's on the warpath.

She came back early and found a stranger in her house wearing nothing but a towel and a frown.

Mrs Hollins.

Arthur.

Long time.

To what do I owe the displeasure?

Aw, don't be like that!

I was hoping that you might be able to help me.

Let me stop you there, Mrs Hollins. Surely you're forgetting something.

The Cumberland sausage incident.

Oh, that!

There were words spoken.

Words which suggested to me - and to any innocent bystander -

that you would no longer be frequenting my shop.

I thought you were just messing about.

I believe my phrase was, "Until hell freezes over!"

Cold day in hell today, is it?

Can't we put all that behind us, let bygones be bygones,

especially at this time of year?

You want a turkey then?

Not just any old turkey, Arthur.

I want what only you can provide.

Organic.

Hand-reared, locally produced, lovingly prepared.

I want...the best turkey in Letherbridge.

Sorry, can't help you.

What?

What makes you think I can provide such a bird at short notice?

You run a butchers, Arthur.

For discerning and sensitive clientele.

They come to me in spring and place their orders.

They know their turkey's name.

They visit it on the farm.

I don't have time to...

Then you have to make time.

I understand supermarkets stock turkeys.

Perhaps you should try one of them.

I'm prepared to pay.

Over the odds.

Are you attempting to bribe me, Mrs Hollins?

Yeah.

I see.

In that case... I might be able to help you.

Oh! SHE LAUGHS

Erm...I said a turkey, not a beach ball!

Do you want it or not?

How much?

Since it's you...£100.

-RATTLING

-(She's here!)

-(Did you lock it?)

-(Think so.)

Going somewhere?

SHE HUMS JINGLE BELLS

RADIO PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

What's going on?

-Who's that turkey for?

-Us.

-What?

Happy Christmas, everybody!

It's not till next week, love.

No, it's today!

What you on about, Mum?

There's no way we're not going to have Christmas together.

-With him going away tomorrow, it's got to be today.

-You're not serious?

I am! I've got all the shopping,

I've bought presents,

I got a tree, I risked my life and pension to get this turkey.

-Karen, there's something I need to tell you.

-Aw, not now.

Rob - tree, Immie - decorations, Jack - wrapping.

Meanwhile, I am going to rustle up the perfect Christmas dinner.

Nigella eat your heart out!

-This is nuts!

-I know!

It's a good idea, love, but...

Aw, no buts!

See, if we don't do this now,

it could be the last Christmas we spend together.

So, this isn't going to be a typical Hollins Christmas.

This is going to be... the perfect Christmas! Got it?

Got it.

BANGING AT DOOR Get on with it!

-No, who's that now?!

-I think I might know.

If that's Brian, you're going to have to tell him to shove off!

Oh, Auntie Ag!

-Hello!

-Karen. Are you all right? You look tired.

No, I'm fine. What you doing here?

I couldn't let my favourite boy go travelling

without seeing him now, could I?

I did ring.

I did try and tell you but...

Oh, well, not that it's not lovely to see you, but we're having...

Oh, I'm imposing. I am sorry.

No, no, no, it's just that...

But I have travelled a long way

and the trains were murder!

It's all right, though. I'll go. There's one back in four hours.

-I'll wait at the station.

-No, no, no, you're always welcome.

Do come in.

-Only if you're sure?

-Absolutely.

Lovely.

Oh, you in the middle of cleaning?

-No, why?

-Place looks like a bomb's hit it.

We don't really know anything.

Don't give me that. You two are always thick as thieves.

-Not this time.

-Why don't you talk to Daniel?

I can't find him!

Where has he moved my stuff?

I don't know.

He hasn't said anything?

Well, not in so many words.

He's probably found somewhere really nice,

you know, for the baby and everything.

Probably or definitely?

Er definitely, probably...

found somewhere as a surprise.

Maybe.

So this is the surprise?!

Oh, how lovely(!)

-I didn't want to give it away.

-You just gave it away.

It's his place to tell her.

So, now that I know that you obviously do know something,

you might as well just tell me.

Well, we would if we could.

I'm not asking you, airhead. I'm asking him.

He's bought you a house as a surprise, OK? Yeah, you happy now?

Which house? Where? Tell me!

-We don't know!

-Our house!

He's bought our house.

Your house?

Sort of, yeah.

Surprise!

Your house!

-ZARA LAUGHS

-OK.

OK, right!

Fine!

I was always really happy there.

Oh, good, good.

Good, good, good, good!

Because unfortunately,

I...I could never be happy in that house, because...

..because I hate that house!

That horrible, ugly, squat, parochial,

suburban, wood-panelled monstrosity of a house!

It's not that bad!

It's hideous!

And he wants me to live there?! Our family? My baby?!

You can always strip off the panelling.

I am going to strip out his brains!

The big, fat, stupid...

Oh!

Well, that wasn't too bad.

She just fainted!

Go and get Daniel. This is his mess.

I always liked the wood panelling.

# Christmas

# The snow's coming down

# Christmas

# I'm watching it fall

# Christmas

# All the people around... #

Is that a modern colour to celebrate Christmas?

No, but it matches my mood.

Right, there we go. Finished.

Tree's too big for this room. It always has been a bit pokey.

Done it.

Aw, they look lovely, Jack!

Come and sit by me and tell me about your trip.

-Oh, you've got tape in your hair!

-Have I?

-Oh, good, I need that.

Ow! What you doing?!

-Just smartening you up.

-Imogen, leave him be.

He's had enough to cope with lately without you harassing him.

-Harassing him?!

-Yeah.

Turkey's in the oven, veg is sliced, the wine is chilling,

and here are some delicious nibbles to serve as an appetiser.

-Oh, thanks, love. Brilliant.

-What do you think?

-Mmm. Very good.

It is hard to get the seasoning just right, isn't it?

I'll leave it, if it's all the same.

The tree looks lovely, doesn't it?

It'd look great in Trafalgar Square maybe,

not in a pokey, little back room in Letherbridge.

How long will the turkey be?

A couple of hours.

It's too big to get in the oven, I had to cut it up.

Oh, dear. No wonder you're sweaty, love.

Or is it a hot flush?

The oven's hot!

Dry as the Sahara again!

Never mind, I'm sure it'll be lovely with a slice of your famous gravy.

Right OK, OK. What DVD shall we watch?

I've got The King's Speech.

Oh no, come on. Inception.

What's that about?

It's about this gang of people that go into other people's dreams.

-They're like thieves...

-I think you've had enough thieving for one year, don't you?

If you can't say anything nice...! SMOKE ALARM BLEEPS

Oooh, never rains but it pours.

Mind me sherry, love!

What?! No!

BLEEPING CONTINUES

Oh, Karen, you've got it on Grill!

THEY COUGH

ALARM CUTS OUT

Bit late to baste it now, then?

Never mind, it's an easy mistake.

It isn't easy to get Christmas Day just right, is it?

That said, me and your mother always managed it, didn't we, Robert?

Maybe it wasn't a good idea doing all this at such short notice.

Oh, shut up!

Do you think I'm going to be beaten by a dried up, old bird?

(Ssh, she'll hear you!)

You three get in there, shove some salty nibbles down her fat neck,

play some games and enjoy yourselves!

-Give me your wallet.

-What are you going to do?

-Get another turkey.

-How much is this going to cost?!

You don't want to know. Excuse me.

Charades?

Have you taken her blood pressure? And the baby?

The baby's fine.

Mind your backs.

-Oh, what happened?

-You fainted. How are you feeling?

-Zara, give me your arm.

-Get away from me, you treacherous harpy!

Well, she's better then(!)

I just feel a bit...light-headed.

Yeah, you've been out for a while. You gave us quite a scare.

Oh, it's you. What the hell is going on?

You fainted, babe.

My house!

Ah, that.

Yeah, that!

-I can explain.

-You'd better, cos Princess Punchface

and Mr Letherbridge Has Got Talent here,

tell me you've acquired their atrocious abode!

Yeah, about that...

Is it any wonder that I am feeling a bit...a bit...

Oh, em...

I think she's taking it really well.

I knew that bird's name, Mrs Hollins.

Did you?

-Doris.

-Oh, that's a lovely name!

My mother's and you burnt it!

Erm, I don't suppose there's any chance...

No.

This...this is an emergency.

I don't care if it's World War Three!

Erm...

I could make it worth your while.

I beg your pardon?

I'm a woman. You're a butcher.

We could come to an understanding.

I've had some offers in my time.

Arthur, please!

You don't know what kind of a year I've had.

My son was attacked by that killer and he was left for dead.

My daughter...

Well, it's just been really tough!

I don't need the violins.

I am a butcher.

But I'm also human.

I'll let you have Doris's sister, Mabel.

Ah!

Oh, you are a wonderful man!

That'll be £120.

Three fingers.

You're not very good at this.

Three syllables.

Pull your skirt down.

-Skirt?

-Do something else.

PHONE RINGS

# It's time for mistletoe and holly

# Fancy ties and granny's pies... #

How's it going?

I've got another one and I'm on me way back.

How's it going there?

Two sherries away from all-out war. How long will you be?

-Three syllables.

-Ten minutes. Get the oven back on.

It doesn't matter if we just have supermarket sausages again.

No way!

I mean, we've had a few setbacks

but nothing else could possibly go wrong.

OK, see you soon, bye.

Saturday Night Fever?

The Borrowers.

# As they whisper

# Merry Christmas to you. #

And you're back in the room.

What's going on?

I'm going to kill you, that's what.

-No, why do you keep fainting?

-Have you seen the time?

Not now, Jim.

-We haven't had any lunch.

-Oh, well, boohoo(!)

I'm just saying, when was the last time you ate something, Zara?

I had a muffin this morning. Not that it's any of your business.

OK, Kevin, do us a favour and get Zara a sandwich, please.

-Of course. Any preference?

-Anything but turkey.

Oh, come on, it's Christmas.

Give me a turkey sandwich and I will feed you your own giblets.

OK, OK.

-How can you be so stupid?

-How can I...?

-You can't miss a meal at this stage in the pregnancy.

-I've had a lot on my mind today!

You can't let your blood sugar levels get low at this stage cos...

It's not good for the baby.

Has everyone forgotten I'm a fully qualified GP?!

My baby and I would be fine

if it wasn't for the fact that we're under all this undue stress!

-Fair point.

-Now then. You. You've screwed things up.

I should expect that by now. Par for the course.

The question is - what are you going to do about it?

-Do?

-Yes. How are you going to stop us having to live in the pine-panelled coffin?!

It's solid oak!

The thing is, you can't get out of it now.

Right, Daniel?

What?

Erm...she's right.

The house is yours.

I'm sorry but Freya only had turkey and I just thought that you'd...

Right, that is it. Everybody out!

Right now! Not so fast, lover boy! And, you, give me that sandwich!

Mabel?

I lost her.

How d'you mean, "You lost her?"

Let's just say she made a break for freedom.

I see! In that case there's no further business to be conducted.

Arthur.

Mrs Hollins?

Could I have a couple of pounds of sausages?

-Turkey?

-No, thanks. Gone off turkey.

Any chance of any Cumberlands?

Did I hear that right?

Oh, no.

You want some of my Cumberlands?

Please.

My award-winning, organic, handmade Cumberlands

that you loudly referred to in front of a packed shop as being,

"A bit veiny?"

I was only joking.

I lost over half my custom, thanks to you.

And for your information, they are not veins.

They are herbs!

(Oh!)

So, can I have any then?

-I could seriously murder you.

-I know.

But...

..I can see that you were acting with the best of intentions.

So, do you forgive me?

After some heavy duty crawling...

..maybe.

But I'm never going to forgive the poisoned dwarf and cupboard boy.

It's not their fault.

They know how much I hate that house

and how much I would loathe living there

and yet they still let you go ahead with it to feather their own nests.

Eat your sandwich.

-Is that you, love?

-Hiya.

Where's the turkey?

Oh, erm, I got supermarket sausages. Family tradition.

I expect you'll burn them, as well, in the traditional way.

Absolutely useless.

No wonder Jack doesn't want to spend the day with you.

-Right, that's it!

-Karen.

-I've had it up to here with her.

Me? What have I done?

Well, that's just it.

Nothing but make backhanded comments about me and my family.

If you don't like the way I run this house, get out!

-Are you going to let her speak to me like that?

-It's been a very stressful day.

Yes, it has. All because of her. And now, you're taking her side. Again!

Of course he's taking my side.

-Why wouldn't he? At least I don't shout and scream at him all the time.

-Shut up!

I've never been spoken to like that in my life.

Auntie Ag, it's OK. She's just tired.

I'm not tired! I just wanted it to be perfect.

But all you lot have done is bitch and moan and grumble.

-I made paper chains!

-Black ones!

-And I wrapped the presents.

-Because I asked you to.

Other than that, you've just been your usual useless selves.

It's Christmas. I thought we're supposed to be miserable?

Not this year. I wanted us to be happy.

Bit of a tall order, that, isn't it, love?

Well, it wasn't until she turned up.

Want to say something about that?

Auntie Ag? Auntie Ag?

Oh, that's just like you.

Make me feel guilty by dying on Christmas Day.

JACK AND IMOGEN: She hasn't, has she?

No. She's just passed out, unfortunately.

Karen.

I'm going to lie down.

Couldn't you get Cumberlands?

They are not veins! They are herbs!

And, no, I haven't got any more turkeys!

Now, get out of my shop!

It's gone really quiet.

Hi, love. Dinner will be served in two minutes.

Are you feeling better?

Have a seat. I'll lay the table.

Immie, I think your mum needs a glass of bubbles.

-Yes, please.

-Right.

And then, it is present time.

ALL: Yay!

Oh, that's fantastic.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.

-Oh, thank you. That is brilliant.

-Come on, your turn.

I'm hardly going to buy myself something, am I?

Ah, that's a shame. No matter.

So, it's just as well that I...

..planned ahead.

Oh, Rob. Oh.

Oh, wow.

Thank you so much.

You deserve it.

Oh, I do feel awful.

I think it was the salt in the canapes.

-That or a bottle of sherry.

-A bit of grub should sort you out.

But before I dish up - have you got anything to say to Karen?

-Like what?

-Like something nice.

Don't strain yourself, Ag. There's always next year.

If I didn't have to work with them every single day,

I wouldn't care if I never set eyes on either of them ever again.

Ah.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, there is one tiny detail that I haven't told you.

-Which is?

-Which is, erm...

-You see, well, it's like this...

-Oh, come on, out with it.

What could be worse than spending Christmas in the flatpacked house?

Well, erm...

OK, so their chain has fallen through, OK?

So, in the spirit of Christmas,

-Jimmi and I thought it would be best if the four of us stay together.

-What?

Just until New Year.

It'll be fun.

SHE SCREAMS

En garde!

Actually, Mrs Tembe, there's something I want you to do for me.

What about you, Miss Parsons?

Looking forward to a proper Christmas?

-Well, since you've asked, actu...

-Oh, sorry. Got to go.

You see, where I went wrong this morning

is that I didn't have the right tools for the job.

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