Lebkucken vs Papparkakor Doctors

MUSIC: "White Christmas"

Oh!

RADIO PLAYS WHITE CHRISTMAS

It's quiet upstairs.

It is.

Quiet in here, too.

I could turn the radio up?

No! I'd rather not risk waking her.

Do you want some more toast?

No.

BANGING FROM HALL

If you back out now, I promise not to gloat.

I may only bake Christmas biscuits - Heston Blumenthal -

but I bake 'em to die for.

My lebkuchen are a universally acknowledged triumph.

Oh, you cannot be serious!

You're going to bring that boring old German fancy

to the table against my papparkakor?

"Papparkakor"? I don't believe you.

Take that back. It's a Swedish Christmas biscuit.

Yes I know, but Can't Cook, Won't Cook, and you knock out papparkakor?

Mmm. White pepper's the secret.

I'm sure it is.

En garde!

-Whoa!

-You can't stop me.

That's a cake slice, angel.

How far are you going to get with a cake slice?

-Did you get any sleep?!

-Did I sleep?

With a mock baronial cladding mocking me all night? Are you mad?

That he imagined that I could make my home here defies comprehension.

-I only thought...

-Don't think. We know what happens when you think.

I don't want to be here. Do you have any idea how much I hate this place?

How much I hate all of you right now?

-Merry Christmas to you, too(!)

-Cherry, please...

Zara's upset.

You think this is upset?

CAKE SLICE CLANGS

In some countries, bird poo's lucky.

-Korea, for example.

-Enough, Joseph, please, huh?

Snake!

Sh-shame. But it's only a game, and we can finish tomorrow.

You will be back at Violet Hill tomorrow,

but remember where we are and we will finish next time I visit.

You have to be getting off because you have

to be at The Mill in 29 minutes.

Such an excellent timekeeper.

Last year I had to wait 143 minutes until it was time to open presents.

And what did Father Christmas bring you last year, Joseph?

A watch.

Hmm. I must go.

I will make sure I visit you before Christmas.

What time, exactly?

Reverend Stanhope! May I have a word?

I have been demoted to bread sauce and brandy butter,

a travesty not unrelated to my criticism.

Let me explain...

Last year she put cranberry juice

in the Christmas gravy.

-Delores was on Masterchef...

-People who have

spent all year eating out of bins could not stomach that gravy.

And now you have put Delores Hamilton in charge?

Actually, Mrs Tembe, there is something I want you to do for me.

I need to find the perfect home for a visiting theology student.

I'm sure Delores Hamilton will be extremely accommodating, huh?

No, she won't.

Because when it comes to hospitality and kindness,

I don't have a parishioner more generous of spirit than you.

Are you all right?

Your-your student will come to live with me?

Er, er, er, I feel like I...I have climbed up

the ladder from number two right to the top of the board.

Good. His name is Akono Mezu.

Akono Mezu. Oh right, yes.

And Mrs Tembe, one more thing -

there will be no cranberry juice in the gravy this year.

You have my word on that.

Amen.

MUSIC: "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday" by Wizzard

# When the snowman brings the snow

# Well, he just might like to know

# He's put a great big smile on somebody's face

# If you jump into your bed

# Quickly cover up your head

# Don't you lock the doors

# You know that sweet Santa Claus is on the way

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out

# For Christmas. #

It has been confirmed that the young man will be staying with me.

Not bad, considering the economic climate.

Er, er, yeah, can you leave it until later?

There are many patients here today and several of my colleagues

have so far neglected to make a donation.

I'm going to the cash point at lunchtime.

Oh, just take it - it'll only be pennies and buttons anyway.

Akono Mezu is a student of theology.

A learned young man from Nigeria who could become a vicar

-or maybe even higher.

-What, like a bishop?

-An archbishop?

-The Pope?

He's landed on his feet stoppin' with you, any road.

I believe the Reverend made the right selection.

I bet you iron your sheets, don't you, Mrs Tembe?

Keep your Coco Pops in Tupperware?

Oh, Mr Biglow!

What about you, Ms Parsons?

Looking forward to a proper Christmas?

-Well, since you've asked, actu...

-Ooh, sorry.

Got to go.

You, erm, heard I'm covering the Frank Battley show?

What, hospital radio Frank Battley?

Slipped on a bit of bratwurst at the German Market last night.

Broke his hip.

Well, nice to know someone's having a worse Christmas than me.

Don't forget that I'm going across to Campus later...

Actually, I was visiting at St Philomena's this morning.

That is when the Reverend Stanhope told me about Mr Mezu.

Oh, these electrics!

Mrs Tembe, I have asked you twice.

-Now, would you please call them?

-Yes, right away.

Is she all right?

There are some of us who see no glitter in tinsel.

Ah, it is engaged.

Anyway, where was I? Mr Mezu.

I can't stand it when she's miserable.

'Ere - if I give you a lend of this will you please

give us a smile?

FIGURE PLAYS "Last Christmas" by Wham!

# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

# But the very next day... #

Ah, man!

If a bum-wiggly Santa doesn't do it for ya, what will?!

'I wouldn't mind, but it's nearly Christmas,'

and she clearly doesn't intend on lifting a finger.

Who does she think she is?

"Whose turn is it to empty the dishwasher?"

and "Who ate the last mince pie?" I deserve better than this.

-It wouldn't kill her to be polite.

-It is Zara we're talking about.

She's just so rude.

And if you think I'm going to be walking on egg shells...

We're all going to need to be polite.

What is this? The Munsters?

She's a monster. Poor Daniel having to put up with her.

Just put it in the dishwasher, Jimmi!

I made a mistake. OK? I can see that.

-You were delusional.

-But does everybody have to suffer?

Yeah, why not? When you brought me to live at "Chez Chimmi".

But I need you to try, please.

After YOU showed such a breathtaking lack of judgement

that you went behind my back... why should I try?

Because it's Christmas. Our first proper Christmas,

me, you and the bump. Please just give it a go.

I am trying. It's our Christmas, too.

We're stuck with Mumzilla up there.

Can't we try a bit harder just for me?

Just try and let it wash over you.

Wash over me, or drown me?

Can't we just get through Christmas?

-And then what?

-Well, then anything you want -

we'll strip it out, we'll extend it, new kitchen,

-If after a few months you still hate it...

-Which I will.

IF you still hate it then we'll move.

OK? I promise.

'OK.'

I'll try...

..but only because it's Christmas and I love you.

I'm telling you - I'll give her one more chance

and if she doesn't start making an effort, I'm going to do

some renovations of my own...

..on her face.

It's Christmas, OK? I'm asking you, I love you...please?

OK, OK.

But if the pink one does anything to wind me up...

I'm so bored.

You're not fizzing with excitement at Mrs Tembe's saintly lodger?

Don't. She'll be phoning me later to tell me the rest.

Ho ho ho! I'm off to help Barry with the Big Baz Show.

That is an interesting hat.

Jealous?

Oddly...

I thought you were dropping her at St Phil's?

I am. But I thought you sounded so fed up that

I thought our very own little ray of Christmas sunshine...might help.

Will you be late for work?

Go on, you know you want to!

Oh, Dad, get me out of here - they're turning Christmas all cold!

MUSIC: "Walking in the Air" by Aled Jones

Ladies first.

Mm-hm.

Now would you like try my papparkakor?

Well...?

-Delicious.

-Mm-hm.

And, er...

Very, erm...moreish.

"Moreish"? There's way too much pepper in it. It's inedible!

-You said it was delicious?!

-They're not that bad...

Oh, stop it! I hate it when people tell lies to me.

I thought they were meant to be...

-What?

-They're sort of weirdly Scandinavian...

Why didn't you say? Why not just tell me?

..like Ulrika Jonsson.

-That's all you could have done.

-I mean, they're...

They're horrible.

I'm so sorry, Joseph.

-They should let me be sent home.

-They have to make sure you're properly better for Christmas.

That's why they won't discharge you today.

I-I won't go on the minibus?

-No, not this year.

-But it's my favourite thing after presents.

RADIO: Way to go, Slade - respect to Noddy, Dave...and er,

er, the other two.

Right... Big Baz's Christmas Wish Competition.

Write it out, name and ward,

and my little helper will be round

before the end of the show.

I've got a Christmas wish!

When I say Christmas "wish", like,

I mean within reason - not a Christmas miracle.

MUSIC: "Fairytale of New York" by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl

I believe when pride rides out on horseback, it returns on foot.

But I am not the sort of person to parade my success,

but I will have to commiserate personally with Delores Hamilton.

(I am sorry, I am on the phone to the other surgery.)

For his first evening I am planning a fish and chip supper...

thoroughly British.

Though mushy peas will be too much for Mr Mezu.

You know, the first time I saw mushy peas,

I truly believed that someone had chewed them and spat them out.

Where's MY book?

-I can go and find it...

-I don't want to read.

Interesting article?

You wouldn't think so.

Try me.

The dumbest things celebrities did in 2011.

Oh, Daniel! Such a shame that you're not a celeb.

-Think of the column inches.

-I thought you were going to try.

I tried.

I got it wrong, OK? I persuaded myself

that I'd be making you happy.

I thought I was doing the best thing, for you, me AND the baby.

-Clearly, I lost perspective.

-And ruined Christmas, don't forget,

-with your almighty screw up.

-Yes, I know.

-People warned me.

-What?

Other people knew about this other than them?

We are in the room, you know.

Yeah, and I wish to heaven that I wasn't. You know what,

I could just... I can!

I can just book myself into a hotel. Just walk away.

-Please do.

-I beg your pardon?

-You heard.

-Cherry...

-Yes, Cherry.

OK. It's Christmas. What about counting your blessings?

We're practically homeless. Are we moaning?

No. Can you see us trying to make the most of this? Yes.

Oh right, Tiny Tim. Gawd bless us every one!

You've got a good life, you've got a healthy baby,

-you've got Daniel...

-Pah!

-..who loves you so much he bought you a house.

-THIS house!

-It's a good house.

-Too many freaks and not enough side shows.

You are just a rude, self-centred cow.

Carry on like this and you won't be walking anywhere,

cos I'll be throwing you out.

Ah! Be very careful.

It's beautiful.

When I was six...

..I didn't get picked for the nativity.

I was inconsolable.

But my mum,

she took me into town on the bus to The Bullring.

We had to sit upstairs cos she wanted a cigarette.

She always smoked Number Six.

We got to sit at the front so we could see everything.

-Different world.

-Mmm.

She took me to a cafe where they served food on steel plates.

Macaroni cheese, out of a tin, on a steel plate.

-It was so glamorous.

-Indeed!

It was the best thing I'd ever tasted in my life.

It was so special.

Me and mum...

..so grown up.

Is that when you bought this?

She asked me if I wanted a Knickerbocker Glory -

which I did, of course -

but I just wanted to be grown up, so I said no.

-I see.

-Anyway, then did the rest

of the Christmas shopping and got stuff for the boys

and that was the last thing that we bought.

"Carry it carefully," she said.

"It'll break if you drop it."

Precious cargo.

On the bus going home she promised me, she said,

"Every year we're going to go into Birmingham

"and buy another one of those,

"and we're going to have so many of them, we'll have the best Christmas tree in Kings Heath."

And by the next Christmas,

she was too ill for buses.

I've been carrying it carefully ever since.

This is what's going to happen. We're making the most of the situation.

-That's what I said.

-Shh! I've had enough.

-Hear! Hear!

-You too. If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be in this situation.

-Mate...!

Right. So what are we going to do to try and make things work?

Mmm? Anyone? Zara?

-Daniel?

-Hasn't he done enough already?

Which bit of "I've had enough" do you not understand?!

OK.

Why don't we unpack something that might make this better?

-TV's in the garage.

-Right, sorted, then.

We're going to try and make the best of the situation -

give ourselves a silver lining.

OK? OK, Zara?

OK.

-Sorry, what was that?

-I said, "OK."

I will insist that he write proper letters home.

None of this "zapping" on email.

The Reverend will approve of that.

Barry came back for the collection box, then?

In the columns of pros and cons,

this will be my big pro.

My attention to detail...

Nooooo!

RADIO: We're about to make our first Christmas wish come true

for one patient on Albany ward...

Joseph Manning,

-your wish was to go and see the Christmas lights...

-Yes!

..we've brought the lights to you...

Merry Christmas, Joseph!

Word for our listeners, Joseph? Wish come true or what?

That's n-not what I wished for.

That's rubbish.

Oh, er, right... erm,

Trudy, back in the studio,

can you spin the next disc, please?

MUSIC: "I Believe In Father Christmas" by Greg Lake

# They said there'd be snow at Christmas

# They said there'd be peace on Earth

# But instead it just kept on raining... #

Lunch is served.

-What on earth is that?

-Oh, this snow machine is kaput.

-I thought you were popping out?

-I popped out, and I popped back again.

-Are you hungry?

-I'm starving.

Excellent. Now, I failed on the metal plates. However...

You didn't?!

You did!

Ohhh...

Have you any idea how much money we're talking about?

Many, many pounds.

You have to find them, Sgt Hollins. Please.

It was all my fault.

Drink your tea. Come on.

Oh!

-What's going on?

-It's been happening all day.

Oh! Oh, no.

I'll try and find the fuse box.

Vinyl albums...

-..salopettes?

-Tell me it's my bathrobe.

Tell me it's my bathrobe and my bathroom products.

Work clothes, Daniel. Pre-pregnancy work clothes.

Yep.

-Where's the TV?

-It's here somewhere.

Keep looking.

I see something that'll make me really happy.

You do?

Something that is clearly more important to you

than my bathrobe.

Not Ruprector?

I'm going to make me really, really happy.

Everybody. Everybody. State of play. There's a problem with

one of the main underground cables.

All our systems are down, they won't be back up any time soon.

Our receptionist at the Campus Surgery assures me

anyone who needs to see a doctor urgently

this afternoon will be seen over there.

The time has come to face the music.

Come on...guys!

Guys, it's Christmas!

You see, where I went wrong this morning...

is that I didn't have the right tools for the job.

How is this going to make you happy?

By allowing me to strike a blow for good taste.

Raahhh!

Thank you.

I was too full of pride.

I should have forestalled the electricity crisis.

Well, nobody's psychic.

I should have guarded the money entrusted to me.

I deserve to land on the head of a snake.

And slide down, down, down, down...

The trouble with seeing people in the staff room is

they all expect tea and a biscuit.

Hello, love. Any news?

Not good, I'm afraid.

What we call in the trade "total and utter scum".

The money has gone?

Don't say nothing, Mrs Tembe.

It ain't your fault. Where's Julia?

-She's in a meeting. She won't be long.

-Let's hope so.

Well, er, if you'd all like to follow me.

Happy now?

I am never going to be happy in this house.

It's not a 50-inch plasma, but...

-Tape snagged?

-Yeah, maybe.

I believed you when you said you'd try.

-I must have been insane.

-You said it.

Oh, right, you make me the villain of the piece, that's brilliant.

I can just add it to the list of things I hate about this Christmas.

-TV: "..my big brother George..."

-Ohhh! I love this bit.

This movie makes me want to puke.

"Every time a bell rings"?

Jimmy bloody Stewart.

Pasty-faced, whinging pillock. I should've guessed you two would like this tripe.

This li... SHE GASPS

What was that?! Again, feel!

It's a foot or an elbow!

TV: # "..for Auld Lang Syne..." #

Follow me.

If you'd all like to stand over here, please.

Thank you very much.

Joseph, this is for you.

Sorry about before, mate.

-Is everyone ready?

-Oh, wait a minute.

3, 2, 1!

THEY CHEER AND CLAP

It's my Christmas wish!

Here you are, Mrs Tembe, you take that.

Make up for what was nicked.

I told you I'd get to the cash machine.

And I have been meaning to give you this...

Truly...a Christmas miracle.

# O holy night!

# The stars are brightly shining

# It is the night

# Of our dear Saviour's birth

# Long lay the world

# In sin and error pining

# 'Til He appeared... #

Oh, Barry!

-What do you think?

-Love it. I just love it!

Did you do this for me?

Because I love you, Julia.

-After a fashion.

-Well, I'm very fond of you, too.

Does that mean...?

-Do you think we could ever...?

-No, Barry, no.

Fair enough.

# ..Fall on your knees!

# O hear... #

Oh!

Oh, thank God!

Ohhh...!

What have you done to my bauble?! What have you done to it?! CRASHING

# ..O night divine

# O night when Christ was born

# O night divine

# O night

# O night Divine. #

-Cow shed.

-I beg your pardon?!

Off the B32.

You live, you die...

and that's it.

Older woman, younger man. There's bound to be some gossip.

-What are you doing in the road?

-It's a good place to think.

Oooh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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