Mr Fitch Comes Home Doctors

Oh!

And God said,

"Let there be light."

"How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me

"All the uses of this world."

And that's all folks!

HE COUGHS

Home, sweet home.

-Not again.

-I meant to say, we need some more milk.

I can't find anything this morning. Yes, thank you.

-We've got to go.

-OK. Oh!

-I'll do it later.

-Wait, it won't take a sec.

Jimmi! I'll be in the car.

Someone had a rough night. See you later.

See you, mate.

-Is the baby playing football with your bladder again?

-No!

I am tired because Mr Sheen and Miss Fluffy

were at it like rabbits all night!

-Really?

-You didn't hear them?

The noises she made - like a Smurf on helium!

And you can stop grinning like a baboon.

Come on, it's not that bad.

Isn't it?

This place...

I thought you were happier now we've unpacked.

Daniel, hanging up some lampshades and unpacking my knickers

does not mean you're forgiven.

(One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.)

COUGHING AND WHEEZING

I'm a doctor, are you all right?

Are you experiencing pains in your chest or your arms?

I'm not having a heart attack.

Well, even so, I think we should get you checked out.

My surgery's not far. Come on.

HE COUGHS AND CHOKES

Mrs Tembe, Happy New Year!

And to you, Dr Wilson.

I thought you were not working this morning?

Paperwork.

Should have done it over the holidays,

but...you know.

How about you?

How was your Crimbo?

I had a lovely CHRISTMAS, thank you.

I cleaned the house from top to bottom.

Oh, don't tell me -

cleanliness is next to Godliness...

I needed it to be spick and span,

ready for my visitor.

Not long now!

Right, if you'd just like to go straight through.

Doctor Tyler, the surgery does not open for another 20 minutes.

Yes, I'm very well aware of that,

thank you, Mrs Tembe.

-You look like you have seen a ghost.

-No, not a ghost.

More of a legend.

Yeah, it's a chest infection.

I thought so.

I'll write you a prescription for some antibiotics.

I need to put you down as a temporary patient.

So, name and address?

Fitch.

The Cowshed, Derelict Farm,

B32 Letherbridge Approach Road.

It's a lovely spot.

Apologies. Just having a bit of trouble taking myself seriously.

Right.

Although the address is actually genuine.

I've spent most of my money travelling.

-Oh, anywhere nice?

-Everywhere.

Kentish Town to Kathmandu.

So it was just you and Elaine?

Yeah, yeah, we had a lovely time.

Oh, it was really quiet round ours with Jack away.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Oh, look at the state of you!

-Heston, what on earth happened?

-You'll never guess.

I fell off the stool while decorating the tree.

-I hope it didn't spoil your Christmas.

-Not at all.

It looks a lot worse than it is.

-Highly dangerous activity - tree trimming.

-Indeed.

-Tinsel can be deadly, you know.

-You'll have me in stitches!

OK, children, playtime over - nine o'clock.

So when did you do this?

So how long have you been travelling?

Hard to say.

A few years maybe.

It's all a bit of a haze since, er...

Since what?

I lost my wife and daughter.

In a road accident.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

It must have been very difficult.

Still is.

I can arrange some bereavement counselling for you, if you like.

No, no.

I have read hundreds of books.

I have been everywhere.

I have met philosophers and priests, even the odd shaman.

No-one could help.

So I doubt a counsellor can.

But you do want help?

Just looking for a reason to carry on.

That's why I'm back here,

where it all started.

I've got one last person to see, maybe they can help.

After that...

Meaning?

Don't, don't concern yourself.

I'll be fine.

Take care.

How was Christmas with Countess Dracula?

Not bad. We managed to escape to family a few times.

No hissy fits or tantrums?

Erm... Apart from throwing the turkey at Daniel,

and then flushing his Christmas present down the toilet,

she wasn't too bad.

If you say so.

-I think that she's starting to chill a bit.

-Really?

Yeah, I think the house is growing on her. She wouldn't admit it though.

Is that a new dress? Maternity wear?!

-Are you serious?

-Well, it looks like it.

-Yeah it's...nice and stretchy.

You know, whoever invented Lycra was a genius,

cos it's just what you need when you're getting fatter.

OK, it is not a maternity dress.

And it's most certainly not Lycra.

It's designer!

No-one lives there.

I'm looking for Mrs Fitch.

I'm afraid she passed away about six months ago.

I'm sorry.

Did you know her well?

Well, I'm her son.

Was it her heart?

Yes.

They tried to get in touch with you I think.

I've been away.

HE LAUGHS

There's no need to be disrespectful.

Oh, no, I'm not. Sorry.

It's just the irony.

Well, anyway...

I've got to get going.

Oh, Mum!

I was hoping you'd be able to...

Oh, I don't know...

make everything all right.

Well, I wanted to say goodbye to Mr Fitch.

-I don't think he'll remember me, though.

-What, you know him?

The famous neurosurgeon.

What, Graham Fitch?

-Yeah, surely you've heard of him?

-I studied him at med school, read all his books.

Yeah, me too.

I even saw him operate once -

totally blew me away.

-Are you sure it was him?

-Definitely.

He did a sting at St Phil's.

I only ever saw him in his scrubs.

I heard that he really went off the rails a couple of years back...

I thought he was just making this stuff up. I should never have let him go.

-It's his choice.

-But I think he might do something stupid.

If you are talking about Mr Fitch,

he threw his prescription in the bin.

Cowshed!

-I beg your pardon?

-Off the B32.

Kev!

You live, you die,

and that's it.

And even if there is something afterwards, who cares?

You're just swapping one hell for another.

Consciousness is a prison!

Your patients aren't going to have much faith in you now, are they,

looking like that.

-Frankenstein's monster.

-Yeah. All done.

Don't go standing on any more wonky stools.

No, I won't. Thanks, Cherry.

I hope Marina's given you plenty of TLC.

"Blow, winds, crack your cheeks!

"Rage!

"Blow!"

"Theirs not to reason why

"Theirs but to do and die

"Into the valley of Death."

Mr Fitch.

What are you doing in the road?

A good place to think.

Please, just keep on the grass.

Come here.

What do you see?

-Nothing.

-Exactly.

You can't give up like this.

Why not?

Mr Fitch, I think you need to see...

Oh, boring, I've heard it all before!

Tell me what you think of me.

What you really, really think of me.

Oh, don't be a wimp!

All right.

Have you any idea how pathetic you've become?

You know I used to really admire you.

Your work.

In fact, after watching you operate

I even considered becoming a neurosurgeon.

Oh, I'm sorry I turned out to be such a disappointment(!)

Look, I know the death of your family must have been a big...

And I can't even imagine how you...

But you've forgotten what a great surgeon you were.

That doesn't mean anything.

Yes, it does.

So many people owe you their lives.

Some of us get saved

and some of us don't.

It's just statistics, in the grand scale.

You don't really mean that.

Where are you going?

Mr Fitch.

What are you doing?

Drive.

Where to?

Just drive!

Oh, you ready for lunch?

-Yeah, just about.

-PHONE RINGS

Doctor Clay.

Ah, yeah sorry, my phone's been switched off all morning.

What, today?

Erm, well, yeah... No.

Well, I can come now, that'd be great.

OK, thanks. Bye.

The vendor's wife's recovered. We can move in whenever we want!

Yes! Oh!

Come on.

Alcohol's the last thing you need right now.

If I'm going to listen to how wonderful life is...

I'll need a drink.

Only thing that makes any sense.

Well, then,

give it your best shot.

Sorry?

Convince me why I shouldn't just end it all.

Because life's worth living.

MR FITCH LAUGHS

I have seen the light!

Hallelujah!

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah... #

Used to be a choir boy.

# You say I took the name in vain

# I don't even know the name

# But if I did

# Well, really What's it to you? #

HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES

Oh, this is brand new!

Oh, I can't go back to work... like this.

Just get in the car!

Have you heard the good news?! Jimmi and Cherry are moving out.

-Oh, finally! I wasn't sure how much more I could take.

-Me neither.

-But they'll be gone soon.

-Good, good, good, good!

So...

does this mean that I'm finally forgiven?

In your dreams!

But they're moving out.

I still have to live in that hideous house.

You are going to have to make it up to me.

I thought I had. What about Ruprecht?

Please! Smashing that monstrosity was just an appetiser.

OK.

What have you got in mind?

"Stare into the abyss

"And the abyss stares back at you."

Don't sit down.

Let me go get you something.

"All that we see

"Is but a dream within a dream."

I said don't sit down!

Either this man is dead...

or my watch has stopped.

I won't be long.

Well, someone's certainly grown.

That's generally what happens when you're pregnant.

-Hormones.

-Yes.

So how was Christmas at Julia's?

Relaxing. My family weren't happy, but it was just what I needed.

-So you're feeling better then?

-Yes.

I'm on a strict regime to help me sleep

and I've started sessions with Oliver again.

Oh, I've found an old note on a file.

Something about you wanting advice?

Advice?

From before Christmas. Did you want to talk to me about anything?

Whatever it was, I can't remember.

Oh, you're as bad as me. See you later.

Mr Fitch?

Mr Fitch, are you in there?

Mr Fitch.

Mr Fitch!

Oh, you are kidding me. Mr Fitch!

Mr Fitch, can you hear me?

Mr Fitch, can you hear me?

Oh, come on, talk to me, you old... Mr Fitch!

Yes, ambulance please.

So, erm, when are you moving in then?

Er, today. Already got the keys.

Well, that just means that there's the wedding to sort out.

How's that going?

-Pretty stress-free so far.

-Doctor Chill is in the building!

THEY LAUGH

Sharing a house before they are married...

SHE TUTS

Well, you've got your "gentleman friend" coming soon.

That is different.

He is a very important guest.

But you know how people talk.

I mean, older woman, younger man -

there's bound to be some gossip.

But he... He's soon to become a man of the cloth.

Have you never read Thorn Birds?

SHE CHOKES

PHONE RINGS

Well, he's going to be all right.

Luckily he was too drunk to take enough pills.

Yeah, but I'm sure he's going to try it again.

In fact, I know he will.

I don't know. RADIO PLAYS

I just don't know what to do.

Yeah, well... Look, I'll talk to you later, Freya, yeah?

'You're listening to Letherbridge FM.

'Remember, folks, keep those texts and phone calls coming in.

'Next up, is a request from Mr Peters, who's stuck in traffic on the M42.

'Enjoy.'

# Well, I heard there was a secret chord

# That David played and it pleased the Lord

# But you don't really care for music, do you? #

HE SOBS

# Well, it goes like this The fourth, the fifth

# The minor fall and the major lift

# The baffled king composing hallelujah

# Hallelujah

# Hallelujah... #

Our stuff!

Got it dropped off this afternoon.

I can't believe it!

It's better than I remember.

It's finally ours.

I know.

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, I was starting to think this was never going to happen.

Yeah, me too. We're here now.

Oh, nearly forgot something.

Here, catch.

Right.

Home, sweet home!

At last. It's been long enough.

No more Zara hogging the bathroom.

Or Daniel...

stealing all the milk.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

Ooh!

No more Jimmi obsessively cleaning.

No more Cherry squealing like a pig in the night.

Yeah.

Just us now.

You think I've forgotten, don't you?

Forgotten?

OK.

How can I make it up to you?

I get to name the baby.

Pfft! What did you have in mind?

Well, if it's a girl, I was thinking maybe Titania.

What?

It's Shakespeare.

I don't care where it's from.

You can't give a baby a name that's like...

Philistine!

-What if it's a boy?

-Well, I was thinking maybe Lucius.

-Lucius?

-Or Lysander.

-The kid's going to be bullied all his life!

You're joking, aren't you?

So, what are you now?

My guardian angel?

Just checking.

Well, you must know it was pointless saving me.

Recognise any of them?

Well, we've got Hilda Thompson,

who's just turned 70.

Mr Bedford...

who's now a proud father of three.

Mrs Fielding...

who's expecting her first child.

Congratulations, by the way.

Mr Rowley, Ms Chadwick,

Mr Wright

and Mr Irvine,

who are all just very glad to be alive.

-HE SOBS

-How did you find them all?

Local radio.

Every 30 minutes I got the DJ to announce

that Mr Fitch the neurosurgeon needed help

and that anyone who'd been saved by you to get in touch urgently.

Tell them that they're all just statistics.

That there's no point in living.

Now, if you still want to kill yourself,

then fine.

This is so perfect.

Almost.

Almost?

Well, we haven't christened the place yet.

What do you mean?

-Oh, I get it!

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh...

-Aw.

-Oh, it's Mum.

-Don't be long.

Hi, Mum.

No, we haven't unpacked the telly yet,

it's with the rest of the stuff.

What?

You're joking?! When?

-What is it?

-I can't believe it.

I don't know. Listen, I'll call you back.

It's our wedding venue...

Marlborough Hall.

What?

It's burning down.

-Chateau Chaumont.

-Why does that sound familiar?

If it was up to the guys, we'd be getting married in a bowling alley.

-Well, I image you'd like to take a tour of the place.

-Yes, please.

I want a divorce!

Bye-bye!

She said you're a loser and I should get out while I still can.

Who'd want to get married here?

This is where relationships come to die.

That's all I hear - a high-pitched "Blah, blah, blah!"

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