Tales of the Rather Expected Doctors

'It was a morning like any other.'

Police? Nigel Whiteley here.

Grangeview Estate Neighbourhood Watch.

I want to register a complaint.

Yes, again!

'No milk for his cornflakes.

'Not the best start to another boring day on the job.'

-There's no milk.

-Hmm?

For my cornflakes. There's no milk!

It's not the best start to another boring day on the beat.

What?

I just had the strangest sense of deja vu.

See you've got your nose stuck in that again. What are you doing?

None of your business!

-Oh, so you're keeping secrets from me now, are you?

-A woman has needs.

What, and I don't?

Well, I don't know!

You tell me what your needs are

and I'll see what I can do about fulfilling them.

-You could start with buying milk.

-Milk?

-I offer you the world, and you ask for milk!

-I don't want the world.

I want cornflakes.

-You know what you really want?

-Breakfast?

Some imagination. PHONE BLEEPS

Might give you an idea where you can shove your cornflakes!

Oh, no! Narky Nigel.

Who's Narky Nigel?

Some Neighbourhood Watch liaison crank.

He's been driving CID mad with his constant calls about

break-ins and anti-social behaviour.

I've managed to avoid him so far, but, you know.

-Well, I'd better get going.

-This conversation isn't over!

What, about Narky Nigel?

Or the milk?

No, the one about your imagination, or lack of it!

'He looked back, seething with a mixture

'of anger and a passion he couldn't quite place.

'Suddenly, his bulk filled the doorway.

'She looked up. He'd scared her.'

Rob, you scared me!

'If it was imagination she wanted, imagination she'd get.'

If it's imagination that you want...

..it's imagination you'll get.

Cornflakes and double cream?

The cream is not for the cornflakes.

In that case, can we have some honey?

'OK. Stop.'

-No, don't stop!

-Never.

'He poured the honey, drizzling it on his wife's aching, yearning...'

Karen, I said that's enough.

-I haven't finished yet!

-Oh, I think you have.

Really.

That's it for now, guys. I'll see you back here at the end of the day.

Karen? A quick word.

-You hated it.

-"Hate" is a very strong term.

-Disliked?

-I'm not sure there's a word that adequately describes

how I feel about your prose.

Let's focus on the bigger issues.

-Your writing feels a little...

-Jackie Collins?

Meets Benny Hill. It doesn't feel real.

-But I thought that was the point. To make things up.

-Within reason.

The best writing comes from observation. What we see around us.

What we feel about it. You work in a health centre, right?

-Yeah.

-And what do you see there?

-Sick people.

And how do you feel about what you see?

Queasy?

Look deeper.

You work in a place where people come for help.

Where they're healed. Given hope.

Have you ever been to a health centre?

There must be a thousand stories from real life to draw on.

I just want one.

One good story.

By the end of the day.

Between 5am and 7:30am, my home was broken into

by a person or persons unknown.

Now, I'm not the first victim, and I won't be the last,

so if you saw anything or heard anything, I'm ready

to take witness statements, right?

Look, walk... Walking away won't solve the problem!

I know some of you have been victims!

Only by sticking together, will you...

-Johan, Johan!

-I didn't see anything, Nigel.

No, you must have done! This is the third time.

I didn't, I'm sorry. Now, let me pass. I have an appointment.

I'm looking for the local Neighbourhood Watch liaison,

and I'm going to guess that's you, sir.

What kind of a response time do you call this?

-I call it about average.

-Yeah, average.

Be a good way of describing your entire outfit.

The third incident in as many weeks and we get some tired-looking, indifferent, Mr Plod!

No wonder the police force is getting a bad name.

Why don't you take that gormless look off your face, son?

What's wrong with you?

Nigel?

Nigel Whiteley?

Sarge?

Rob?

Oh!

Oh!

Rob Hollins?

-Hey, what are you doing here?

-Working.

Er, have you checked the rota?

No, not that type of work. This type.

Oh, your creative writing course! How are you doing with that?

I'm better at zorbing, to be honest.

Oh, Karen!

Oh, I can't believe this

is scarier than throwing yourself down a hill in a big ball!

I've got till the end of the day to come up with a story. From this lot!

Oh, I don't know. I mean, they might look...

Drab? Uninspiring?

..normal.

But scratch the surface, and who knows

what dark and mysterious secrets lurk beneath?

Lint, if Mr Robinson's anything to go by!

Well, Mr Robinson is probably a bad example, but the theory is the same.

This place is full of characters,

Karen. They've got their own stories, journeys....

-Characters, you say?

-Yeah.

Dark and terrible secrets?

Oh, yeah!

There you go, sir.

Oh, cheers.

Well, well, well!

Who'd have thought it? Sergeant Nigel Whiteley, back from Manchester.

How long's it been? 20 years?

22 years, nine months.

Nine months. There you go. You've always had a head for figures.

No, I always had a head for facts, son.

So, you made Sergeant.

'Course I did! I had the best teacher!

It's all in the past now.

You finally retired?

-Last year.

-Yeah, is that when you came back?

Yeah. I wanted to see home again.

Yeah, of course you did.

-How's Maureen?

-She's fine.

Look, we've got all the time in the world to catch up.

You're here to do a job!

-Yes, I am. That's right.

-Nothing's been stolen,

but it's a mess. I've preserved the crime scene as much as possible.

Yeah, I've seen that. Who'd have thought it, eh?

Neighbourhood Watch Narky Nigel would be my favourite old Sergeant!

"Narky Nigel?"

Is that's how I'm known by the police force nowadays?

He's handsome, isn't he?

Married.

Familiar. Where have I seen him before?

Here. His name's Johan Meyer. Third consult in as many weeks.

-What's his problem?

-Don't know. Maybe he's diabetic?

Or a hypochondriac?

-Johan? Again?

-I had to see you...

OK.

Or maybe there's nothing wrong with him at all!

Married. Nervous. Seeing Zara again and again. Doesn't take

-a genius to work out what's going on here.

-She's pregnant!

But Daniel and Zara have been arguing!

Heavily pregnant.

It causes all sorts with your hormones!

Don't let your imagination run wild with you, Karen.

Are you kidding? That's the whole point!

Look, I know a broken window and a bit of food on the floor

don't seem like the crime of the century to you guys,

but this is my home. And it's not just me.

Other people have heard and seen strange things outside their home.

Look, I've kept a log book.

By themselves, each crime looks petty. You put 'em all together,

you've got a pattern.

Hmm, well. Maybe there is more to this than meets the eye.

We could solve this.

If we work together.

Just like old times.

Yeah?

-Yeah?

-Maybe.

-Right then. We can start with this.

-What is it?

-CCTV.

I hooked up me own street surveillance camera last week.

I shouldn't...

But you will.

-I can't...

-But you must!

I'm married!

That's what makes it so exciting!

What on earth do you think you're doing?

Well?

Erm, I was, I was just checking the door.

KNOCKING

For what?

-Karen.

-Yeah?

Go away!

Okey-dokey!

So, you've set up your own CCTV camera.

Yeah, a 320-gigabyte system.

CCTV, DVR, four CCD cameras, plus smartphone access.

Right.

-I guess I must come across as a bit of an anorak, right?

-No, no, no.

There's nothing wrong with that.

However, there is a slight problem with conducting

a surveillance operation on a public street!

I'm the local Neighbourhood Watch liaison!

-Is that in the remit?

-It's necessary.

As you well know, that is an invasion of privacy.

If the police won't do anything about the burglar of Bertrand Road,

then it's up to the private citizen to take up the slack.

Do your neighbours know that you've set up this camera?

I mean, do you even know that there's a burglar at all?

Because according to our records, nothing has been reported lost

or stolen. All there's been so far is a succession of broken windows!

That's how it starts! A broken window here,

a bit of criminal damage there. Before you know it,

the natural order's broken down. Zero tolerance, Hollins!

You understood that once upon a time!

Nigel, can I ask you a question?

What?

Where's Maureen?

Where's your wife?

Nigel?

Manchester, she stayed.

She left me.

Retirement not what you expected?

It wasn't what Maureen was expecting.

She found it boring.

She found me boring.

I'm sure that's not true. Come on, let's get something to eat.

Come on.

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, what's the point? I'm never going to pass!

You won't if you don't try!

Oh, I am trying! I'm just no good at it.

I've got to meet my tutor later. I haven't even got a story!

Yeah, but you've got a character. That's a start!

I mean, every story has a beginning, a middle and an end,

-with a few turning points thrown in.

-Maybe you're right.

Where are you going?

-Erm, to find a turning point.

-Oh.

Look, if you won't tell your wife, I will!

I came to you for help, not threats!

This has gone too far! It has become a police matter!

I just need time to think about how I'm going to break it to her.

Johan!

Let me guess.

You're checking the door?

Actually, erm, the walls.

So this is what you're doing, hiding here?

Hiding? Who says I'm hiding?

Maybe I'm just hanging out.

-That's your story?

-Yeah.

Not very good, is it?

Getting better all the time!

This is sublime!

Really?

More than sublime. It's transformative.

I don't know what that means, but it sounds good...

It means you have a gift. You could be the next...

-Katie Price?

-Barbara Cartland!

Oh, blimey! Well, that's your teaching.

Oh, no, you can't teach this.

You can only feel it.

Oh, knackers! This isn't real, is it?

-You back with me?

-Mm? Hmm?

Your eyes, you had this look. As if you were...

-A million miles away?

-You were definitely somewhere else.

There's not much here, is there?

I mean, there's a couple of characters.

A germ of an idea. But no story.

Well, it's a work in progress.

I mean, there's lots of potential. It's going to be dramatic...

Why are you doing this, Karen?

You gave me a deadline!

No. I mean, why are you doing the course?

What do you want to get out of it?

Erm, well, I don't know.

Erm...

There's a couple of girls and me at work doing a bucket list thing,

you know, zorbing, Zumba dancing.

But this, I wanted to do on my own.

I suppose I'm looking for something. Something different.

-Different to what?

-My life.

-Why?

-Is there something wrong with your life?

-No.

It's just a bit mundane. Real life is, isn't it?

No.

It only ever seems to be. But it rarely ever is.

The best writing, the most beautiful writing,

comes from observing those small moments.

You need to dig deeper.

Dig deeper.

What do you... What does anybody want out of a story?

-Er, entertainment?

-Yes, but more than that.

-Escape?

-Partly.

-Bang for your buck?

-Truth.

(Truth.)

Find out what your characters want.

What does Johan want? What does Zara want?

Then ask yourself what they need.

That's where you'll find your story.

How am I supposed to know what they need?

Think of it like a detective.

-Your husband's a police officer, isn't he?

-Yeah.

What would he do?

My name's Johan Meyer.

You're the officer who came to Bertrand Road this morning.

Yes, that's right. Is it about the break-in?

Well... It's about my wife.

-Is she all right?

-No.

I don't know. She's fine. At least, I think she is.

You think she is?

-I'm not making much sense, am I?

-Not really. Not so far.

Mr Meyer, are you OK?

Why do you ask?

Well, it appears you've got blood on your shirt.

Oh, that. It's not mine.

Well, whose is it, then?

-Look, er, I've got to go.

-No, no, hang on a minute.

I can't. I'm sorry for wasting your time.

He's a funny fish, that one.

In what way?

Well, for the first six months, him and his wife

were the nicest pair of neighbours you could wish for.

Then a month or so ago, they changed.

-How did they change?

-Just stopped being neighbourly.

He installed a fortified gate!

Changed the locks on his doors, that sort of stuff.

I thought you said there was a burglar in the neighbourhood?

And I thought you didn't believe me!

Come on, I'll give you a lift home.

We'll sort this thing out once and for all.

Have you seen Zara?

Er, she just popped out.

-Any idea where she went?

-Called out on an emergency house call.

-Oh, really? Which patient?

-I don't know. It was a private call.

Blimey!

'Zara? It's me, Johan.

'I tried, but I couldn't do it. I'm sorry. I need you to see her.

'Come, please.'

I'm not sure what you think you're going to find that I haven't!

Sometimes, a fresh pair of eyes can make the difference, can't it?

Anyway, until CSI arrive, I'll have to do.

I've had 40 years in the force.

I think I know me way around a crime scene!

Yeah. So, shall we assume that the window was broken from the outside?

Naturally. You can tell immediately from the broken glass fragments.

The burglar made his entrance by smashing the glass to gain access

to the kitchen window locking mechanism.

It's all in the logs!

-And then you closed it?

-No!

Like it says in my notes - I left everything exactly as I found it!

-That's a bit odd then, isn't it?

-What is?

That the window is closed and locked from the inside. I mean, why would a burglar do that?

How did he get out?

He must have used the back door.

No, that's impossible!

I double locked. You can't get in or out without a key.

I don't get it, cos he wouldn't have gone back out the window.

So he either went through the front door, or...

BOTH: Or he's still here.

CAT MIAOWS

There's your burglar of Bertrand Road!

Hey, it's a cat burglar! Nigel, it's a cat burglar!

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR HEAVILY

What would Rob do?

Come on, Nigel.

Sarge? I wasn't laughing at you!

Nigel, what really happened to Maureen?

-NIGEL SOBS

-After 40 years...

she left me!

You miss it, don't you?

That's what all this is about, eh? Isn't it? The Neighbourhood Watch,

the CCTV, the quest for the burglar.

There were two constants in my life -

my job and my wife.

I don't know anything any more.

Anything.

Now, you listen to me.

I said, listen to me!

You are Sergeant Nigel Whiteley.

Mentor, leader, inspiration.

You don't have to prove anything to anybody. And if Maureen's too selfish

or too stupid to know that, then it's her loss. Right?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And that cat didn't break that window.

Then who did? His accomplice?

-POLICE RADIO:

-Security company reports break-in in progress

at 49 Bertrand Road.

-That's Johan's place!

-7244 received.

Yeah, I'm next door. I'll be there in a minute. Come on!

Hello? Anyone home?

-ZARA:

-'See you later.'

Zara!

-You won't get away with this!

-I already have!

It doesn't have to be this way!

You brought it on yourself!

You had to tell my wife my terrible secret.

I begged you not to, but you di-i-id!

Now...

you both have to pay.

What terrible secret?

My secret. The terrible one! The one you told my wife.

The reason you're both tied up down here!

Why can't I remember?

Because it's all made up. It's inside her head.

-Whose head?

-Hers!

'Stop! Police!'

Whoa. Get off me! I'm not...

-Rob?

-Karen?

Your wife's the burglar of Bertrand Road?

I'm not the burglar of anywhere! Who's that?

Don't you remember Sergeant Whiteley? What are you doing here?

Looking for Zara. Check in the cellar! Something terrible's happened!

Zara's in trouble! He's got her down there

with his wife!

Karen, Zara is here, with Mr Meyer and his wife.

Zara, you're safe!

Yes. Are you checking the floor?

No, I...

I was shouting out for you. There was no answer!

We were upstairs. I was treating Mrs Meyer's hand.

Then what's in the cellar?

A cupboard.

Well, I thought... I, I, I saw on the desk... I heard the message!

He's dangerous! He's got parasomnia!

Johan doesn't have parasomnia.

My wife does.

'Parasomnia, it turns out,

'is a type of sleep disorder.'

Apparently, it involves abnormal and unnatural movement, behaviour,

emotion, perception, and dreams that occur whilst asleep.

'About 4% of adults experience some form of sleepwalking.'

This can be as minor as sitting up in bed, walking to the bathroom

and cleaning, or as freaky as cooking, driving, losing it

with your bloke or, as in this case, it can be as simple as repeatedly

leaving one's own home,

and breaking into the neighbours'.

'Sometimes people, loved ones,

'can take more drastic action.

'So in the end, there was no great mystery of the cat burglar

'of Bertrand Road.

'No sordid affairs. No dank dungeons,

'no terrible secrets.

'These were nothing more than the fanciful creations

'of an overactive imagination...

'This was about a young wife with a rare condition

'and her terrified, overprotective, loving husband.'

The end.

THEY APPLAUD

That was sublime.

Really?

Transformative.

-You're not going to kiss me, are you?

-What?

I'm just checking it was real!

That was a lovely story, Karen.

And my last.

I prefer my fiction stranger than fact.

-Weird day.

-You're telling me!

If you ever got bored with me...

you would tell me, wouldn't you?

Yeah. Silly question. 'Course you would.

Ask me what's for dinner.

What's for dinner?

Now, ask me what's for pudding.

What's for pudding?

What are your first impressions of Harmony Heights?

It's very welcoming.

Ow! It's drilling and filling I need.

I have to make myself an emergency appointment today.

Stuff your review!

And listen, in any case, who the hell do you think you are

trying to tell me what to do?

I want the name of your dentist! He's put the snap back

-in your elastic.

-Was it awful?

It's done now.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]