The Cat's Meow Doctors

I was thinking, Cotswolds,

country pub. Roaring fire.

-Thank you.

-Pie and a pint.

That WOULD be lovely.

Would be?

I had other plans.

I knew you would have arranged something.

So, what treat have I got in store?

I was thinking of having another go at anger management.

Oh, Heston!

I know.

-How often do we get the same day off?

-What's more important,

a day out, or getting to grips with our problem, once and for all?

I'm so sorry it didn't work for you.

We knew it was a long shot.

IVF often doesn't work first time.

And unfortunately, the age of the mother can have an effect

on the success rate.

We'll just have to try again, eh, love?

Next time, you will have to go privately, I'm afraid.

We know.

-What?

-We did discuss this, remember?

How... How much will it cost?

-Prices vary...

-Ball park?

£4,000 or £5,000?

You can't put a price on our baby, can you?

In the meantime, don't give up hope of conceiving naturally.

Sometimes, nature finds a way.

Thanks for all your help, Doctor.

Oh, was there something else?

I, erm, couldn't help noticing your books.

The Buddhism Way... Inuit Healing.

Very eclectic selection you've got there.

I like to be open to new things.

Have you heard of Harmony Heights? Just off the ring road?

Doesn't ring any bells.

Well, we don't waste money on publicity.

People tend to be guided there by some greater force.

We run workshops, alternative therapies, crafts and the like.

Oh, sounds fascinating.

Always on the look out for new blood, like-minded people.

Just pop in, anytime.

Thanks. I might just do that.

Was there... Was there anything else?

You'd be most welcome.

I had the same with our Jack.

Rob wanted a boy, but I didn't want

-to know whether it was a he or she until it popped out.

-Exactly.

I'm like that with a box of chocolates, see. I put my hand in, close my eyes.

I don't know whether I've got a nut cluster or a fudge

until I stick it in me mouth.

And next time, remember, skateboarding and tequila don't mix.

-I thought you were at the Mill today?

-Jimmi wanted to swap.

Which was just as well, because I couldn't wait to show you these!

Miss Coles has been knitting like a mad thing.

-Aren't they lovely?

-They're beige.

-So?

-Ah, they're really cute.

Look at the booties.

-Ooh, thank you.

-Thank you.

-Ow!

-What's wrong?

Toothache. It started last night.

-You didn't say.

-I didn't know you were a dentist.

-I could have offered you some sympathy.

-I swear by oil of cloves.

No, it's drilling and filling I need.

I'm going to have to book myself an emergency appointment today.

Are you planning on finding out what sex it is?

Not really. I mean, my head's still spinning.

I wasn't expect to get pregnant so quickly.

My husband's a bit older than me.

Some couples try for years, others, it happens straightaway.

Do all mums get so sick?

I'm spending a lot of time looking at the bottom of the toilet bowl.

If it's a problem, we can look at a few options.

I don't know. If it's natural, maybe I should just try and deal with it.

If you change your mind, I'm here.

KNOCK ON DOOR Can you wait, please?

-Mr Crabtree!

-Hi, Doctor.

Sorry I'm late, love.

So, mother and baby doing well, I take it?

Yes, er...both very healthy.

There, you see, I told you there was nothing to worry about.

Am I to take it you're this baby's father?

-I know what you're thinking.

-You do?

That there's a bit of an age gap, but you know what they say,

nature will find a way.

PHONE RINGS

What?

How are you?

'The same as I was half an hour ago.'

-I should have come with you.

-I don't need you to hold my hand.

-'I hate the thought of you being in pain.'

-I'm a big girl now.

Yeah, but you know they're not going to give you any anaesthetic.

'Not in your condition.'

Ms Carmichael.

Do you want me to come pick you up?

Daniel. Stop.

Your concern is very touching, but it's only making this harder.

OK, look, sorry.

I've got to go.

I think he should be strung up by them.

Some people have no shame.

Bringing two wives to the same surgery, only an hour apart.

He's got some nerve, I'll give him that.

But they cannot both be his wife, not in the eyes of the Lord.

What are the guidelines on bigamy? Are we meant to report it?

I don't know. I've never come across anything like this before.

And the two women. Do they know about each other?

Intriguing, isn't it?

Intriguing, Dr Cassidy.

I think you need to find out what is going on in this place.

Harmony Heights. It could be Sodom and Gomorrah all over again.

-I see you've had your 20-week scan already.

-Yeah.

And you're having this one because...?

Well, we still don't know the gender.

And you're sure you want to find out now?

Look, I get the whole surprise thing, but I just can't do it.

OK.

Is that what I think it is?

Yeah.

It's not part of the umbilical cord?

You are having a boy.

A boy.

Congratulations.

Dr Cassidy. Have you got news?

Is it the IVF?

No. Sorry, Kim. I didn't mean to get your hopes up.

What are you doing here?

I was in the area

and I thought I'd take Mr Crabtree up on his invitation.

What invitation?

To see what goes on at Harmony Heights. I'm fascinated.

I bet you are.

Yes, thank you, Millie. I can handle this.

Please. Come in.

Thank you.

Oh, it's...

It's very cosy.

Er, well, we share the work.

-Cooking, gardening, child care.

-Mh-hm.

-Ask her what she's really doing here.

-Aren't you on soup today?

Meditation session begins at 11:00 and finishes at lunchtime.

Great. Well, look forward to seeing you then. Right. Bye.

-Oh! Dr Cassidy. What a wonderful surprise.

-Mr Crabtree.

Oh, Colin, please.

Nobody calls me Mr Crabtree, except for my bank manager.

What are your first impressions of Harmony Heights?

It's very welcoming. So how does it work? Is it a co-operative?

Er, yes and no.

Erm, let me introduce you to my wifeys.

Wifeys?

Millie and Kim you've already met.

And this is Poppy and Grace,

and our wonderful children, Crystal and Billy.

-Everyone, this is Elaine.

-Hi.

Oh, we were just about to have lunch.

You will join us, won't you?

I'm sorry, but I haven't got time.

I thought the surgery didn't reopen till four?

There's always paperwork to do.

You'll never truly understand Harmony Heights until you

taste the fruits of our labour.

It would make our day. Truly.

What can I say? OK.

Ah, that's great! Let me show you around.

Right. Give me two minutes, and I'll be ready for anything.

I want the name of your dentist.

He's really put the snap back in your elastic.

Was it awful?

It's done now.

Look, if you want to take the rest of the day off...

No, I, I can cope here, you can go back to the Mill.

No, no. You wouldn't let me help yesterday, but I'm here for you now.

-OK?

-Lovely.

These were made in our family therapy workshop.

I mean, some of the neighbours don't approve,

but we're not breaking any laws.

What about your wifeys?

Well, none of our marriages have official recognition,

but that doesn't mean to say that I'm not just as devoted to each

and every one of my girls, as they are to me.

-How do you deal with the jealousy?

-Jealousy? Oh, there's none of that.

You see, they're not rivals, they're the best of friends,

more like sisters really.

You must admit, what you have here is pretty unorthodox.

Unorthodox, yes. But why can't this be the blueprint for the future?

I mean, traditional family structure's disintegrating.

So why can't we go back to communal living and loving?

It's probably the loving that people have the problem with.

But why?

I don't have to sneak around having seedy affairs.

Everything is out in the open here.

-That's true.

-Lunch is ready.

So, here we are.

Ding, ding, round two.

This time, you're going to remain in control.

I don't want to hurt you again, Heston.

It's not going to happen.

You don't know that. I don't know that.

Now, you do want to change?

Yes, but how many patients have I heard say the same thing?

And how many of them succeeded? Hardly any.

Yes, but you've got me.

But that may not be enough.

My anger's been with me for as long as I can remember.

Might be a lost cause.

We can do this together. Now, last time, it was my fault.

I jumped in too quickly.

-I've taken some professional advice.

-OK.

What's been suggested is the traffic light system.

SHE LAUGHS

I thought it was anger management, not a driving test.

Well... Well, trust me.

Mmm, this is good.

It's your favourite. Creamy leek.

All home grown, you know.

Mmm, it's delicious. May I have some bread, please?

Of course, I like to think that we've got it right,

and the rest of society's got it all wrong.

I mean, there are plenty of examples in the natural world where

it's one buck to a dozen does.

In nature, it's monogamy that's unnatural.

Go and play with Billy now.

Colin, it's gone one o'clock.

But we have a guest.

I don't want to miss my slot. You know how much this means to me.

See? I'll do anything to keep my wifeys happy.

Millie. Have I done something to upset you?

Don't you get it? You're not wanted here.

Get out.

Mmm.

Whoever invented frozen yogurt deserves a Knighthood.

I'm surprised you went for it. New filling.

Erm, I'm not using that side of my mouth.

-Do you know, I haven't seen you this upbeat for ages.

-It's just relief.

Yeah. I want to talk about names.

-If you must.

-Heston had a suggestion.

-Let me guess. Lapsang Carmichael?

-No.

Earl Grey Granger?

No. Actually, he came up with Cassandra. What do you think?

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

So you're not even going to consider it, not even for a minute?

You want to name our child after some loopy ancient Greek woman who no-one believed?

And it'll get shortened to Cassie, which everybody knows is

a fat girl's name.

Sorry. That was a bit unfair.

Look, if you really like Cassandra,

we can add it to the list.

Really?

Conceiving this baby was hard enough.

Let's not make giving it a name any harder than it has to be.

Stuck in a traffic jam?

-Amber.

-Amber. Amber.

Somebody criticising your cooking?

-Red. Definitely red.

-Right.

OK, why don't we stop there? Well done.

Oh, that wasn't so bad.

Well, we've identified the triggers.

We now have to work on your coping mechanisms.

-Oh, I knew it wasn't going to be that easy.

-Mmm.

You're scared of losing control

and that's a fear that we're going to have to confront.

How about a cup of tea first?

I don't know what I'm supposed to have done.

Yeah, right.

Really, I don't. Talk to me.

You don't need any extra stress in your condition.

You just couldn't wait, could you?

You saw what I've got and you wanted a slice.

Well, it's not fair.

This was meant to be my time and I won't share him, not with you.

You think I'm interested in Colin?

Don't pretend you don't find him attractive. His aura's too strong.

I can assure you that I have no interest in Colin.

That might be what your head is saying,

but your chakras are screaming something else.

SCREAMING

Tell me he's not dead. Please, please!

Tell me I haven't killed him.

He's breathing, he's got a good pulse.

Colin, can you hear me?

What have you done?

It's Dr Cassidy. Colin, are you in any pain?

Kim. What happened?

We were having sex. He said something about feeling light-headed.

I... I thought that meant he was enjoying it, but...

but the next thing I know, he wasn't making any noise at all.

Has he been ill recently?

No. He's as fit as a goat.

Shall I phone for an ambulance?

-I don't think that will be necessary.

-Rescue Remedy?

Why don't you both just give me some space and I'll see what's wrong?

If you've damaged him with your jumping spider...

Custard Cream?

We don't have to do this.

It's not too late to go for that drive.

Do you mean that?

I just want you to be happy.

Oh, look, we can do it another time. Yeah? At the weekend maybe.

So you're not serious about wanting to change?

-Yeah, of course I am.

-You'd rather sit in a pub?

Well, no, but you...

Don't you think there are loads of things that I'd rather do?

-What?

-I mean, this is your problem.

If you can't be bothered, why should I care?

This was your idea.

Maybe I made a mistake.

Well, then why don't you just leave me alone?

What are you doing to me?

You're just playing with me, Heston.

OK, OK. Can we just pause there?

Now, was that green,

amber or a red situation?

Amber.

OK, let's review this. You lost your temper,

so how are you going to cope if that happens again?

Would Tai Chi help? Rolfing?

No. It's gone beyond all that, hasn't it?

Some relaxation therapy might help.

-HE LAUGHS

-Relaxation?

Do you know how much it takes to keep this place going?

-I suppose it's not cheap.

-Four wifeys and two kids.

Can you imagine how much hot water they use?

And now there's Kim's IVF treatment to pay for as well.

But if you can't afford it...

But you've seen how much it means to her.

I can't deny her.

Is there no way you can make more money from the business?

I work seven days a week as it is.

Up at the crack of dawn,

and at night, I...

I need to share my favours around.

You can't go on like this. Today, it's exhaustion.

What if tomorrow, it's a heart attack?

We've created a little oasis here,

a heaven on Earth.

But it's so delicate.

I can't be the one to unbalance it.

I can't be the one to bring Harmony Heights crashing down.

At what point...

At what point did you start to feel angry?

Was it when I questioned your commitment to change?

I don't know. I suppose so.

-This isn't getting us anywhere.

-It can seem like a slow process.

It's such a waste of time.

This isn't about me anyway, is it?

It's about you, you trying to save me.

-That's not true.

-I'm just a patient to you, aren't I?

Someone to make better with psycho babble so you can go round saying,

"Oh, look at me,

"I'm the great Heston Carter, with his miraculous cure."

OK, shall we pause and review?

Ah, stuff your review!

Hey, listen, in any case, who the hell do you think you are,

trying to tell me what to do? You are nothing!

You're just a pathetic excuse for a man!

Let's try and focus.

Shut up! Just shut up!

It's OK. It's OK. It's OK.

This is me, Heston.

-There's nothing I can do about it.

-I don't believe that.

You might as well ask me to change the colour of my eyes.

I am not giving up on you.

-It almost happened again.

-But it didn't...

and you controlled your anger.

Hardly.

With work, it will get easier.

I don't know why you stay with me.

Most men would have run a mile.

Because I love you.

Maybe there is some hope then. Hmm?

How is he?

He's in no immediate danger.

It's you! Everything was wonderful before you turned up.

What have I done?

She wants to be wifey number five.

I haven't even had this baby and

she's already lining herself up to be my replacement.

-That's not true.

-Well, you can't have him.

-You're jealous!

-No.

What have you got to be jealous of?

All Colin had to do was look at you and you got pregnant.

I've been trying for years and nothing.

Who do you think he's going to kick out the house, the woman with

the belly full of his baby, or the barren, dried-up old hag?

I'm... I'm not kicking anyone out.

How could you ever think that?

SHE GIGGLES

You've got a right wriggler there.

Once he's started, he never stops kicking and squirming around.

He?

Well, he. She.

It. Whatever.

Everything all right?

Perfectly.

All families have their trials and tribulations.

The way through them is through honest talking.

Who wants to go first?

Kim?

Everyone knows my problem. I'm useless cos I can't have babies.

Look what happens when I try, I nearly killed you.

Is that really what happened?

I didn't realise how much I wanted a child,

until I couldn't have one.

IVF was my last chance.

But we haven't given up hope, have we?

I know we're not supposed to, but...

I can't help being jealous.

Why, Millie?

Because I've never felt good enough.

Can you elaborate?

You're all such good mothers, such wonderful wives.

How can I ever live up to your high standards?

But...

But I love you all equally.

And as for your doubts about becoming a parent,

don't you think every new mother feels exactly the same?

You'll be fine,

and whenever you have doubts,

we'll all be here to help.

Colin?

Well...

The simple truth is... Er...

that I failed you.

I promised you all one simple thing,

that I would love and provide for you.

But I... I can't do it any more.

I... I can't sleep at night for worrying about paying the bills.

I haven't even got the energy to make love to you any more.

That's what happened this afternoon.

Maybe you ought to share some of the burdens of running this place.

You are surrounded by intelligent, capable women.

If you all pooled your skills,

maybe you'd make this place a success.

We'd like to help more.

And we don't have to go ahead with the IVF.

Not if we can't afford it.

But it... It's what you want.

We don't always get what we want in life though, do we?

I've let you down. All of you.

Don't deny it. I... I have.

You haven't let anyone down.

But you've got four separate marriages here.

Most people only just about manage to make one work.

You think we're not up to the job?

I think you all need to admit that making a go of this place

is harder than it looks. Stop pretending it's perfect.

Marriages rarely are.

We can do that.

Are you leaving without saying goodbye?

-I didn't see you there.

-I haven't seen hide nor hair of you all afternoon.

It's like you're avoiding me.

I'm busy. It's called doing my job.

Ooh, have you got a bit of ultrasound gel,

-on your jumper there?

-Where?

Dentist, my backside.

All right, Sherlock. But this has got to remain our little secret.

I thought you didn't want to know the gender?

That was Daniel's idea. You know what boys are like?

They like surprises. So he must never find out that I already know.

You've let it slip once. It's bound to happen again.

-It won't.

-Really.

I'll bet you that Daniel finds out he's having

a boy before the week's out.

-Ready?

-Of course.

We should go.

-Night, Karen.

-Night! Ooh, Zara.

Tenner.

I've decided it's time for me to experiment with drugs

-and prostitutes.

-What?

What, Nina? The one with the...

What, I'm not allowed to notice?

-Will you or won't you get us in?

-Yeah, I'll get you in.

I haven't got anything nice to wear since I ballooned up,

I can't stand on my swollen ankles for more than five minutes and

I hate being asked, "What do you do?"

which will be the catchphrase of the night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]