Great Expectations Doctors

'Rise and shine with Letherbridge FM.'

Can I book a manicure, please? Yeah, for this afternoon.

Three o'clock. Lovely. I'll look forward. Goodbye.

-A manicure? Very lady of leisure.

-Oh, it's those vouchers I got off Ag for Christmas.

-First opportunity I've had to use them.

-Aye up.

-Ooh. To what do we owe the honour?

I'm going in with Dad.

I've arranged for him to shadow the Duty Brief.

No work?

No. I am a lady of leisure today. Got the day off.

I am going to have a manicure

this afternoon, but first it's hairdressers and then lunch with Ang.

-Oh good for you, Mum. You deserve it.

-Oh.

As you're here....any chance I can get these back by tonight?

You're going to have to wait your turn.

Oh, morning. You all prepared?

-Think so.

-Course she is.

There's nothing like learning from your mistakes, is there, Angel?

-Yeah.

-Good girl.

-Any idiot can pass the driving theory test.

-I didn't even look at that book and I aced mine.

-No!

Oh... No, oh, no, Rob!

Oh!

Oh... Er, Mrs Karen Hollins?

No. I think she lives just round that way.

So muggins here gets left to sort it.

-I'll look at it later.

-Spending her day off, knee deep in soggy laundry.

-Then get a man.

-Why do you think I married you?

-I better get off otherwise I'm going to be late.

-Hey, where are you going!?

Dad's giving me a lift to the Mill.

Rob Hollins, get back here!

Rob! Rob!

Rob! CAR HORN HOOTS

LOUD MUSIC IN CAR

# And I would bring

# Sweets for my sweet

# Sugar for my... # MUSIC STOPS

DOORBELL RINGS

Oi!

I'm not buying anything!

Nor I selling. Er, I seek Mrs Karen Hollins.

Who's looking for her?

Have I the felicity of speaking to the party in question?

-Depends who's asking.

-Bagley Grimsdale.

Of Buggins Grimsdale and Peck, deceased.

Buggins Grimsdale and Peck?

Deceased.

Peck, that is. Mr Buggins has the fortuity of still being with us.

Albeit more in body than in spirit.

-What do you want?

-I am an Advocate of the Law.

Oh, no. I told you. It was a shunt.

You are under a misapprehension...

The phone calls were bad enough but now you've the cheek to turn up here.

For the last time, no, I'm not interested.

Madam...

Blooming ambulance chaser!

Are there any questions, Imogen?

No, Mrs Tembe.

-Oh, but Julia did say I could leave early for my theory test.

-We'll see.

-Oh, piece of cake. Everyone passes their theory test.

-Morning.

-Morning.

Ooh, talking of cake.

Are you sure? Moment on the lips...

Ah, it's for Cherry, actually, to welcome her back.

I thought it was the lucky sod who'd been on holiday who gave out presents. Not the other way round.

It is a very kind thought.

You have missed your friend while she has been away?

Ah, sweet!

Yes, it beats having to look at your ugly mug.

-KNOCK ON DOOR Hey.

-Hey.

So. Glad to be back?

-What do you think?

-Well...

-There you go.

-Oh, is this for me?

Oh, Jimmi, thank you.

It's...very nice.

Just what I wanted!

So, tell me, how was the "back-to-front" honeymoon?

Back-to-front was the right way round.

Cherry was going mental over the wedding.

So, hopefully this will have calmed her down.

OK. Next item is...canapes.

So, there's 11 vegetarian,

five vegan, two nut allergies.

Yes, because the vegetarian option is warm goat's cheese.

Yeah, yeah, that's probably best.

We can go over the outstanding items face-to-face.

Yeah, OK. All right, then.

All right. Bye.

I thought a holiday was meant to relax you.

I have no idea how I would have coped without Jimmi's dongle.

-Mind boggles.

-I was able to send e-mails on the beach,

but what was the point?

Take your eye off the ball for two weeks and nothing gets done,

and I mean absolutely nothing.

-OK, deep breaths, in and out.

-Freya, I don't think that's...

Just do it!

Actually, that works.

Told you. I've got healing hands.

-How's the house?

-Getting there, slowly.

Our second honeymoon's going to be a DIY one.

What about Patrick and Sally? Have they found somewhere yet?

Well, actually, um... Sally found another job in Cheshire.

Is everything OK?

-Fine.

-You sure?

Got me a present? Sorry.

I'll leave you to it.

Thanks for this.

Well?

-A guitar.

-No, it's a timple.

A really small guitar.

Yeah, exactly. I saw it and I thought of you.

-Ha, ha. I don't even know how to play it.

-How's Zara?

Er, yes, thank you, she's fine. She's on a course

and then I've forced her to take it easy for a few days.

You've "forced" Zara to take it easy?

I told her she's having a spa day

and that it's non-refundable, so, there you go.

Presents. Where's mine?

So, how are you getting o...?

What is this?

I'm sorry, Mrs Tembe, I was just...

"Sorry" is not good enough. You have been employed to input data,

not to amuse yourself on the internet.

Mrs Parsons will be very unimpressed.

It's my theory test.

Jack said a chimp could pass, so I left it until the last minute

and now I don't understand half of the stuff,

and my parents think I'm going to walk it,

but I can't let them down again, I can't.

Oh there, there, child. There, there.

Look, sometimes we do the wrong thing for the right reasons.

I'll work over lunch to make up for it.

That will not be necessary.

And you will not fail because I will not let you.

You are going to pass with flying colours.

My card, confirming that I am a professional gentleman of the law,

here to discuss a private family matter.

-What sort of private family matter?

-One that would not remain private,

were I to discuss it on the doorstep.

Well, it's as far as you're getting, so out with it.

Information pertaining to the estate of the late Violet Mason.

As in, "last will and testament" or "car with big boot"?

The former.

My granddad was called Mason.

Repeat after me, Imogen.

The first rule of the road is...?

Common sense.

Right. That is all you need to remember. Now, then.

"Two cyclists approach a roundabout in the left-hand lane.

"In which direction should you expect them to go?"

A, left, B, right,

C, any direction, or D, straight ahead.

I think you will find it is C.

Are you sure?

Cyclists are a law unto themselves and a hazard to other road users.

Weaving all over, nipping in and out of traffic.

No, I think you will find that the answer is C.

Any direction.

Ah. That... Well, that is most unexpected.

So, what's this about?

Do you have knowledge of a great aunt Violet Mason

on your maternal grandfather's side?

Um, well, my mum came from a big family and she died years ago, so...

Is there a relative who could elucidate?

I could ask my dad.

Ah.

So, what's in this will?

Er, that I'm at liberty to discuss with the beneficiary.

Oh, well, right.

Will that do?

Ah.

CLEARS THROAT

No, I'm afraid it won't.

-Why not?

-This confirms that you are Karen Hollins

but not that you are Karen Hollins nee Teale.

What do you want? A birth certificate, or...?

Do you have such a document?

You are at the scene of an accident.

Someone is suffering from shock.

You should, A, give them a hot drink.

B, keep them warm.

C, avoid moving them or D, offer them a cigaret...

A cig... Is that a trick question? Offer them a cigarette, indeed.

B and C.

The answer's B and C.

Er..

Good, yes. Mmm.

However, I am surprised that they did not include A,

as a hot, sweet drink is often used to help with shock.

You have been ever so helpful, Mrs Tembe,

I can't even thank you enough.

But I do think I should be getting on with that data.

Oh... Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Well, good luck, Imogen, and remember what I told you.

The first rule of the road is...?

-Common sense.

-Aye, good girl.

Do you fancy getting some lunch when you're done?

I can't, I've got to meet the wedding planner at The Chateau.

You need to stay calm. Give them hell.

I will. BFN.

Bye, darling.

"Bye, darlin'."

-What's wrong with you?

-Nothing's wrong with me.

-I'm a bit worried about you, though.

-Meaning?

Well, you look a little bit peaky.

I think you might be coming down with something.

Like a touch of the love-sickness.

What are you wittering on about?

Massages, love gifts, hugs and kisses.

I'm talking about your girl crush.

Right.

Right, just shut it, will you?

OMG. Nail on the head.

Don't be moronic.

So, you don't fancy Cherry, then?

No, of course I don't fancy Cherry.

You're lying!

-N-no, I'm not.

-You did it again.

-I did what?

Looked right. Means you're lying. Left means you're remembering.

-That's a load of bull.

-Visually constructed imagery. It's a scientific fact. I saw it on Luther.

Look, OK. I might have fancied her a little bit in the past,

but that's all fine now, cos we're just good friends.

Yeah, right. I suppose that's one of the hazards of being bi...

Temptation everywhere you look.

Not if I'm looking in your direction.

And, by the way, my personal life?

-That's none of your business or anybody else's, OK?

-Hmm.

He wouldn't say.

No, he just said he'd come back when I found my birth certificate.

Well, they were.

Yeah, and then we had that flood

and you moved everything to a "place of safety".

Which it certainly is.

Well, they'll turn up.

Oh, all right. Off you go.

Ha-ha-HA! Bingo.

Heather?

Hi, Hollins.

Dad, it's me.

Now, listen, this is important.

Did Mum ever mention a great aunt Violet on Granddad Mason's side?

It's Karen.

Have you got your hearing aid...? Dad, put your hearing aid in.

Look, Dad.

I can't chat.

Listen. Did Mum ever mention a great aunt Violet?

Really?!

Trout face? Drinks like...

No, it's Auntie Gwen, I think. Right.

So, what are you up to?

Drama at Birmingham. You?

-Re-takes.

-Bad luck.

It wasn't bad luck.

'We apologise for the delay.

'Engineers are working on a temporary fault

'in the computer system. This could take up to half an hour.

'We thank you for your patience and once again apologise for the delay.'

Brilliant.

I could do with some last-minute swotting.

No-one fails driving theory.

Well, there's room for a first.

Embarrassing. Time for a fag, then.

Ooh, hello. Come in, come in, come in.

-What are you doing?

-What does it look like? You want one?

Are you taking someone else's test?

You always were a suck up.

You don't drink, don't smoke. What do you do?

Do you have any idea of the trouble you'd be in?

Only if someone grasses me up.

-You wouldn't?

-No.

Could do yours, if you want. A freebie.

I think they'd notice if you sat two tests.

Don't be thick. Mine today and I'll re-book the other.

We don't even look alike.

Duh. It's a driving licence photo. Tell the difference?

No resit fee, no humiliation. Pass guaranteed.

What d'you say?

-Come in, sit down. I'll be two ticks.

-Thank you.

Got it!

So, there we go.

Karen Teale. Mother Brenda Teale.

Maiden name Mason.

So, what's this about?

I'm afraid that would not be appropriate.

Why?

This testifies that you were born Karen Teale.

It doesn't prove that you are Miss Mason's great grand-niece.

What do you want, blood?!

A-ha-ha, not at this juncture,

requiring, as it would, the exhumation of Miss Mason.

A course of action that would have her revolving in her grave.

Both literally and metaphorically.

Listen. I've seen Heir Hunters, this ain't it.

Madam, I am a professional gentleman, not an heir hunter.

Right.

I think you're a con artist and this is some sort of scam

and I would like you to leave.

All sorted?

The computers are back up. It'll be another ten minutes.

Don't do it, Heather.

It's a one off. Temporary cash-flow problem.

And my parents are getting a little bored with bailing me out.

And what about the next time that you're broke?

-And the time after that? It gets easier.

-Butt out, Hollins.

-It's illegal.

-Rich coming from you.

We all heard about your little blip.

It wasn't a blip. I stole. I was a thief. And I got caught.

More the fool you.

They took me to court. I've never been so humiliated.

-Well, you're still here, so no lasting damage.

-No lasting damage?!

I messed up my exams, my parents hate me

and now I've got a criminal record.

Do you know what that's done to my job prospects?

-PHONE RINGS

-Take it from me. It's not worth it.

Haven't you got any friends to go and bother?

Hey. Yeah, soon as I'm finished here.

I am nothing of the sort.

I am a bachelor living with my elderly mother.

Get out before I call the police!

Hmph.

Icon?

Well, count me in. I could murder a pint. You boys coming?

-No, unpacking.

-Yeah, gym.

-See you later.

See ya. Er, cake-tasting with Mrs Tembe.

-Name?

-Imogen Hollins.

-Thank you.

-Terminal 3.

-Thanks.

-Name?

-Chris Pictus.

-Terminal four.

Name?

I can't wait any longer. I'll have to re-book.

It's a bit alcoholic.

Well, yes, I soaked the fruit in brandy for 48 hours.

Yeah, that's a little bit too long.

My Uncle Steven's a recovering alcoholic,

some of the guests are teetotal and Zara's pregnant.

OK...

Kind of missing something.

That would be the alcohol.

And it sticks to the roof of your mouth.

It's light...

It's unusually spiced...

Yes?

It's perfect.

I can't wait to see the finished product!

Now. Any ideas on the icing?

Same again, please, love. And have one for yourself.

Oh, cheers.

I'd padlock your pants, mate. She's on the rebound. And she's not fussy.

Please ignore him. Chronic immaturity.

Just leave it, will you?

Just having a bit of fun.

We're adult professionals, yeah?

Adolescent gossip about a colleague's personal life?

I don't find that fun.

OK, fine, I'll shut up.

On one condition.

Being?

You tell me which is better.

Boys or girls?

Ow!

-These ones?

-Yes. Does it ma...?

You know, you really want to get yourself some decent underwear.

Do you think he was for real?

I don't know, but I can run a check down at the station.

He definitely knew more than he was letting on.

I suppose I am a little bit lonely since Bobby and I split up.

Oh, no, correction.

Since he dropped me like a hot brick for daring to like him.

Well, she's fit enough.

No, not you as well?

Oh, no way. Too much sugar.

I prefer my women more savoury.

Like Zara?

Well, who wouldn't?

Eh, but she's taken.

And I've got far too much unwanted female attention

without wasting my energies on pointless crushes.

-Bully for you.

-I was being sarcastic.

I might as well have "girlfriend slayer" tattooed across my forehead.

Mine says, "Not girlfriend material."

Is a face like this destined to be celibate?

I think we need another drink.

Jack!

I could give Auntie Eileen a call. She might know something.

Look, even if he's genuine, I wouldn't be getting your hopes up.

It's probably some worthless family heirloom.

Or it could be a Ming vase

or a Rembrandt that's been stuffed in the loft.

I think you've been watching too much Cash In The Attic.

-Hiya.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

How did it go?

I passed.

-Good.

-Eh! Flying colours?

Not exactly. I scraped it by one mark.

Well, that's one more than you needed.

And you put the effort in, didn't you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, well, that's good enough for us, isn't it? Well done, love.

11 weeks, four days and counting.

Four weeks, two days.

New Year's Eve.

Mmm. Here's to celibacy.

Celibacy. Eyes.

Now, how about a little nibble on my nuts?

I don't mind if I do!

THEY LAUGH

Thank you.

You're welcome.

See, you've gone back to being normal

-now you've had a couple of drinks.

-Thank you very much.

Shame we won't be doing this much more now that one of us is leaving.

Yeah, probably me. At which point, I can kiss my career goodbye.

-Drama queen.

-Eh, mud sticks.

If the Mill don't keep me on,

then my job prospects are on a par with getting laid.

If you are really worried about it, move away. Make a fresh start.

Oh, conveniently leaving the way clear for you.

No, if I get the job, it will be because I'm better qualified.

If you get it, it's because you don't have

a murder accusation hanging over your head.

Oh, Kev, get over it! You were cleared!

But, hey, if you need excuses to justify your failing...

You don't even want the job, you just want to lech over Princess Cherry.

That's it, spread stupid gossip about me so that you bag the job.

Well, I wasn't thinking that but actually that's quite a good idea.

If you say one word...

You'll what? Tell Auntie Julia?

Yeah, I bet you she'd love to know her practice nurse

is being perved over by Doctor Lumberjack.

Oh, you just...

Guys, can you take this outside?

Yeah, I'm happy to, if you dare.

-Oh, what's this? Bristols at dawn?

-OUT!

It's OK, I'm not going to hurt you.

-Shut up.

-Oh!

-Give me your handbag. Don't try anything, I have a knife.

Nobody else can know about this, OK?

I'm not telling anyone. I'd die of shame.

If you get £1,000 in cash,

hand it over to me, all of this goes away.

Admit it, Freya. Three times? I was dynamite, wasn't I?

I was the best you've ever had.

Do you really want an honest answer to that?

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