Crocodile Tears Doctors

SOMEONE PASSES GAS

(Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.)

Karen?

In here.

I couldn't sleep. How was work?

You know. Knackering.

-I'll make us some tea.

-Listen, love.

Even if this lawyer's legit...

Oh, he is. Grimsdale, Buggins and Peck.

They're in the Yellow Pages.

But it won't be anything.

I just don't want you to get your hopes up, that's all.

I'm not.

Right. I'll get a shower.

Let's...let's just go to the cafe, Matt. At least it's warm.

-We've got no money.

-I'll get us some.

-How?

-Usual way.

-You going to screw it up like last time?

-No. I...I'll do it right.

-You better.

Unless you want to go back inside.

You...you go to the cafe and I'll meet you there.

I'm sorry. You know how I get sometimes.

I love ya, babes.

Love ya.

DOOR SLAMS

HE RETCHES

Oh, God.

NEARBY SOBBING

Excuse me, are you OK?

Can I help? It's OK. I'm not going to hurt you.

Shut up! Give me your handbag.

Don't try anything, I've got a knife.

There's a picture of my granddaughter in there.

-Just shut up and give it to me!

-Please!

NO!

Hello, Eileen. It's Karen.

Brenda's Karen.

I'm sorry to call you so early, I just, er, I just wondered,

did Mum ever mention an Auntie Violet, or an Auntie Vi?

DOOR SQUEAKS

Oh, hi, Julia. You all right?

Yeah.

-Big day today.

-Oh?

Yeah, Mum and Dad are taking me and Jimmi out for lunch.

He still gets nervous. I don't know why.

They're not ogres, they like him. He'll be fine.

As long as he doesn't tell his Rhod Gilbert joke.

Yeah.

They're really looking forward to meeting everyone

and seeing where I work.

See you later.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

We were drunk. Where are you going?

I don't want to talk about it.

-Neither do I, but I think we should.

-Can't we just forget it happened?

I just want to make it clear it's never going to happen again.

Too right. I must've been slaughtered. D'you know what...

D'you know what I found in the bin?

Three condoms.

Three!

So, that means we actually...

Obviously.

I can't remember. I blanked it out.

You snogged my face off in the taxi, and then you lectured me

about contraception being a shared responsibility.

No, wait, wait. You said, "Let's share a taxi."

You invited me home, Kevin. Face it, you're desperate for a woman.

-Oh, one thing we've got in common.

-Get. Lost.

You seduced me.

Oh, and your clothes fell off all by themselves, did they?

You made a pass at me!

If you can't stand me, how come you ended up in my bed?!

-Morning.

-Morning.

-Morning.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Nobody else can know about this, OK?

Well, I'm not telling anyone. I'd die of shame.

TEASPOON CLATTERS

Great.

-So, how was your day off?

-Oh, quiet.

The washing-machine flooded. Nothing happened really.

Come on, love, you're all right. Got a patient for you.

This girl just fainted. She came round pretty quick,

but I thought you should take a look,

you being the experts.

What happened?

She's in shock. I reckon she got mugged.

Can you tell us your name?

She don't talk much, do you love?

Might be a bit, um...

It's Abby.

Abby. OK, Abby, I'm Doctor Carter. Can I have a little...

Julia. You're looking radiant this morning.

Thank you, Barry.

-Do we have a problem?

-This girl got mugged.

Bear with me, OK. Cherry if you'd like to just walk straight ahead,

straight there. Have a seat, and we'll get this sorted.

Are you all right?

Yeah, fine. Why wouldn't I be?

You look dreadful.

Heavy night.

-If you ever want to talk...

-Yeah, I don't.

Doesn't seem to be too serious.

We need to work out why you fainted. Has this happened before?

No.

Are you be pregnant?

No. Do a test on me if you don't believe me.

Mmm-hmm. Well, if it's not that...

I haven't eaten for a few days.

Why's that?

I've got no money.

Where are you living?

Around.

Barry thinks you've been mugged. Have you?

-No.

-So how did this happen?

-I...I fell over.

-That's when you scratched your face?

No.

Who did this to you?

No-one has the right to hurt you.

You mustn't let them get away with it.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Grimsdale, Buggins and Peck.

'Er, hello, it's me again, Karen Hollins.'

I was just ringing about Violet Mason

and a legacy and me being sole inheritor...

Mrs Hollins. I got your messages.

All seven of them.

Oh, right, well, I just had to prove

that, erm, that Aunt Violet was my great-aunt.

'Yes, indeed.'

And I've got proof. Loads of it.

So, well, I mean, I've also spoken to a woman

'who knew my mum and Vi...

'Confirmed it, so, um, when shall I come in?'

Oh. At your earliest convenience.

Oh, right. OK. I'm on my way.

Hmm.

GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES

Heston. How's that girl that was brought in earlier? Abby, was it?

Hungry and homeless. Someone's given her a bloody nose,

I don't think it's broken. Of course, she won't say who it was.

-Has she gone?

-No, I think she's in with Cherry.

No, she's not. Cherry's making toast in the...

Sorry. Um...

About my washing machine?

Remind me.

It's blown a gasket or something,

I just...can get an engineer and to come today...

-Yes. Yes, yes, of course. Yeah, go. We'll manage.

-Oh, right.

Oh, are you hungry?

Oh, it's not for me, it's for that girl, Abby.

-I know that we don't normally feed the patients...

-Where is she?

She's in the sick-bay.

You left her in there on her own?

Yeah, she's harmless. She's had a head injury.

I mean, Heston wanted to keep an eye on her.

Yeah, yes, of course, sure.

Listen, give me that, I'll do it. You've got a patient.

OK.

Nurse Malone thought you could do with something to eat.

So, I s'pose you've called the police.

No, I haven't. Not yet.

Why? What's stopping you?

Nothing was taken.

And I thought you might have called them. I assaulted you.

Like they'd care.

Are you all right?

Nothing's broken.

Then why did you mug me?

-Needed money.

-Ever thought of getting a job?

Who'd give me one? I was in prison two years.

What for?

-Drugs.

-Oh, so you're a junkie.

Not anymore. I got clean.

Then why do you need to mug people?

We're homeless. Me and my boyfriend.

-He's ill.

-So, you're mugging for two?

Look, I'm sorry. You seem like a nice enough lady.

I don't want your apologies.

I just want to know why you mugged me. Do I look like a victim?

Y...you looked lonely.

And that's what I go for, people that are alone.

Pensioners, women. Not young blokes.

I don't hurt anyone. I don't have to.

They get scared, they hand over their money.

I didn't expect you to fight.

And to think I felt sorry for you.

Finish that and then leave

and if I ever see you round here again, I will call the police.

Is that understood?

So, this is it? You work here on your own?

My secretary is at a WI conference.

Erm, well, I've checked you out

so I suppose you're a proper business.

You suppose correctly.

Uh...here's the proof that you wanted.

Violet Mason was a witness at my granddad's wedding

and that's the... that's the wedding certificate.

And she was also my godmother.

I...we weren't religious, but I was christened.

and she gave me this Bible and wrote in the front.

"To my dear great-niece Karen Nicola Jayne from Violet Mason."

That's the date, and her handwriting.

Thank you.

Mmm, mmm.

Good.

Good.

SHE LAUGHS

Um...well what is it then?

What's with this legacy? What's she left us?

Thank you. See you later.

Oh, Julia. How's Abby?

She's fine. You don't have to worry about her.

Cos someone's really laid into her.

She let me examine her and she's covered in bruises.

-Is she using drugs?

-Not anymore.

There were some old scars and needle marks on her arms,

but no recent ones.

If she won't go to the police about whoever's doing it,

-there's nothing much else we can do...

-Hello?

Hi. I've come to collect Abby.

And you are?

-Her boyfriend.

-I'm sorry, we can't discuss patients.

We can't even tell you if she's here.

Drop it. I know she's here, so tell her we're leaving.

And tell her to get a move on.

-Abby.

-I have to go.

There's someone's in reception saying he's your boyfriend.

He is. It's Matt.

How did he know that you were here?

Cos I rang him.

Abby, is it Matt that's been beating you up?

-So what if it was?

-Well, you can't go back to him.

I...I have to do what he says. I...

He doesn't own you.

-Where else would I go?

-Let me call the refuge,

-see if they've got a place.

-No, there won't be.

At least let me try.

I have to go. Thanks for the toast.

I'm going to go after them.

-Oh, hiya! Do you want some coffee?

-No. No, thanks, I'm on herbal.

How was the Icon, last night?

It was fine. Uh...I had...

Went there on my own, had a... Had a drink on my own.

Nothing really happened at all.

Freya, how are things with Kevin? I heard you arguing yesterday.

If there's a problem, we've got to sort it out.

It's not a new problem.

He's just a sexist, crass, Neanderthal prat,

and I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole.

Abby! Wait.

You've got a nerve. You attacked my girlfriend!

Come back for another go, have you? Lucky we don't call the police.

Oh, go ahead. I'm sure they'd be fascinated to know

that I was mugged at knifepoint.

Knife? What knife? I don't see any knife.

You weren't there. You don't know what happened.

True, but plenty of people do. Your doctor friends, for instance.

They spent the morning patching her up.

What would they think if they knew

that you were the one that attacked her?

You're criminals. If you go to the police, who will they believe?

That's a very interesting question. See, what proof have you got?

No-one mugged you. You've still got your handbag.

You've not said a word to anyone about what happened.

Haven't called the police.

You're the one that looks like a criminal.

But, you know what? None of this has to happen.

If you get £1,000, in cash,

hand it over to me, all of this goes away.

-You're blackmailing me.

-Yep.

Certainly am.

-HAMMERING FOOTFALLS

-Ro-o-o-o-b!

Argh! What's happened? What's happened?

It's a house she's left us. A dirty great house!

You're barmy.

I'm not. And it's in...

Kingsvale!

SHE LAUGHS

If it exists.

Of course it exists! Come on. Come on, I've seen the papers!

If you don't believe me, get dressed and just come with me.

-Give me a minute!

-Put some clean pants on.

-Abby are you going along with this?

-She is.

-She can speak for herself.

-She knows what's good for her, don't you?

How soon can you get that money? Cos I need it now.

Yeah, I'm sure you do.

Oh, and I'm sure you don't need 1,000.

I would have thought 20 or even ten

would be more than enough for what you want.

£40. That's all I've got on me.

I'm sure it's more than enough for what you need.

Danny. It's Matt.

You got some? Forty.

Yeah. Usual place, 20 minutes?

All right, ta-ra.

Go to the pub and wait.

I'll have some for you, too, if you want it.

Wait, where are you going?

Pub, to wait.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Look...

Come and have some decent food.

Let me buy you a proper meal. Come on.

You said it'd be falling down, and look and it.

It's perfect.

It's too perfect, if you ask me.

There's no pleasing you is there?

You still think it's a scam?

What kind of scam could it be? I haven't given them any money,

they haven't got my bank details...

You don't even remember your Auntie Vi and she's left you a house?

She was my godmother.

I'd forgotten.

Well, a bit of a black sheep. I don't know the details.

She fell out with everybody. Even my mum.

I mean, maybe she was a hippie. Into free love.

They didn't do free love round ours.

I'm going to look in the windows.

It's not trespassing if it's my house.

Karen, your lawyer bloke's here.

SHE SCREAMS EXCITEDLY

You gave him money for drugs to get rid of him?

Yes. I can't believe I just did that. Encouraging an addict.

He doesn't need much encouraging, don't worry.

You think that if I leave him everything's just going to be fine.

Wouldn't it be?

Matt...Matt sent me out this morning for money.

To mug someone.

Yeah.

At least that's why he thinks I did it...

..but it wasn't.

Well, why, then?

I thought you'd call the police and I'd get arrested.

Do you want to go back to prison?

Yeah. Yeah I do.

Miss Mason hadn't lived here for years.

Rob! Look at the curtains!

She was in residential care. An old people's home in Rhyl.

She was 102 when she died.

Ah, it's got an AGA!

Er...the house is looked after by a property company,

they've kept it in tip-top condition, as you can see.

So, there are tenants, here?

-Not at present.

-Can we go inside?

Thank you. Come on, Rob!

My ex-husband was an addict. Alcohol, not drugs, but...

Look, I want to understand so, tell me.

Prison's where I got clean.

I had a bed, three meals a day,

the staff were all right. I was learning skills...

Then I got released.

And Matt was waiting?

It's just...

easier.

He looks after me.

He beats you up.

You earn all the money, you take all the risks,

you get a record. Great for him.

No wonder he's protecting you.

I know.

But if it wasn't for the muggings, then...

Matt'd pimp me.

The only way I've managed to talk him out of it

is that I earn more from muggings.

Why should you spend all your time earning money to buy him drugs?

I s'pose...

I've been out of prison seven days, and I've stayed clean.

He doesn't like that. He wants me back on the junk.

Whenever he gets some, he... he cooks it up in front of me

and I...I don't think I can last much longer.

Abby, you don't need him, you don't need any of this.

Just leave. You need to get right away

-and start living your own life...

-Yeah, right.

With no money, no job, no home.

Easy.

No, not easy but possible.

He won't let me leave. Don't you understand?

That's why I want to go back inside.

So, I can stay clean and Matt can't get to me.

It's the only way I'll be safe.

Still on the butties? No wonder you're a lard-arse.

Just cos you like all your girls to look the same.

Little Barbie dolls with their blonde hair, fake tan, waxed.

Like Cherry?

Cherry's nothing like that.

Sleeping with me obviously didn't cure you.

Sleeping with you? That was enough to turn any woman gay for life.

So, how come we did it three times, eh? Just being thorough?

I know it's been a long time but...

And your love life is such a howling success, isn't it,

that the only person you could ever have

a proper relationship with was Lauren!

OK, just stop. Whatever this is about, we need to resolve it.

You started it.

YOU started it.

You slept together, didn't you?

Don't you have any friends?

Everyone I know on the outside's an addict.

What about family? Or your mum?

That slag. She's the reason I got put in care.

She's an addict, or was. She's probably dead by now.

Well, there's got to be a way.

Well, there is.

I mean, if you really want to help...

Yes, I do.

I reckon you've got a big house.

Your kids have grown up, they've left,

you've got grandchildren.

You live alone.

Yes, I do.

T...take me home.

I mean, give me a place to stay, keep me safe.

I mean, I might manage to get a job, stay clean.

But you won't, will you?

Don't want a junkie in your house

when your granddaughter comes to visit.

See, you're like everyone else.

Shed a few tears, say you want to help, "Isn't it awful?"

But when it actually comes down to doing anything...

You're right. I live in a huge house.

But I can't. I'm sorry. I... I can't.

Don't worry, I wouldn't want to live with me, either.

Well, then tell me what can I do.

You know.

I've already said.

Oh, Rob, you want to see this kitchen, it's dead classy!

Well, there doesn't seem to be any damp or cracks or subsidence.

Well, of course there's no subsidence!

It's in a better state than our house.

Yeah, if we sold it, it'd be worth quite a bit.

Sell it?!

We can live here.

Live here?

Rob, look.

What?

It's a conservatory!

So, who wants to go first?

I made a horrible, horrible mistake.

Oh, just the one? Admit it, Freya. Three times.

I was dynamite, wasn't I? I was the best you've ever had.

D'you really want an honest answer to that?

Do you want me to give you marks out of ten?

-Freya...

-She only slept with me so she could get over Cherry!

What...?

She tried to mug me. I was terrified.

I...I just lashed out.

It's self-defence, that, Julia. You're not to blame.

She threatened me with a knife.

I want that girl put into prison for a very long time.

Oh, don't you worry on that score.

She used a knife, that's serious.

That puts it in a different league.

Julia, are you all right?

Ah, well, I think I'm in shock.

And to think I brought her here feeling sorry for her.

Got all you to look after her. I thought she was a student.

Some of them dress so scruffily you can't tell.

I'll come with you, make sure she's off the premises.

Why didn't you say anything?

Er... I couldn't.

Freya, I thought you were my friend.

I...I was, love, and I am.

This has been going on for ages, hasn't it?

All that time that we spent together.

All those supportive hugs you gave me, the massages?

I was only trying to support you.

You came and helped me look for my wedding dress.

I got changed in front of you. You saw me in my underwear.

Oh, please don... It was just a silly...

A stupid little crush.

I was never going to act on it.

Ch-Cherry, you know other gay people.

You've lived with a gay bloke.

Yeah, Freya, that was completely different.

Simon was honest, he didn't lie to me and he didn't fancy me.

I...I haven't lied to you, really. Not...

-I don't really fancy you.

-You so do.

-Shut up, Kevin, this isn't funny.

Yeah, OK, I made a stupid mistake

having a crush on Cherry, I'm sorry,

but that wasn't half as big a mistake as sleeping with you to try and get over it!

Oh, hi, Mum and Dad.

Right. Ooh! Paula, Malcolm, good to see you again.

Sorry, er... What are we talking about?

Oh!

I thought you was at work.

Are you sure there's nothing you want to tell me?

Say if you are having second thoughts about Jimmi and...

What do you think you are doing?

You have ruined the cake!

You're knee-jerking, as usual.

I am not. I'm trying to have a sensible conversation

about a decision that will affect the rest of our lives.

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