The Morning After and the Night Before Doctors

# Smile though your heart is aching

# Smile even though it's breaking. #

Argh!

# When there are clouds in the sky. #

Ah!

# You'll get by

# If you smile through your fear and sorrow

# Smile and maybe tomorrow

# You'll see the sun come shining through for you

# Light up your face with gladness

Ahem.

# Hide every trace of sadness

# Although a tear may be... #

Guys...

# Ever so near

# That's the time you must keep on trying... #

-How the hell...

-...did this happen?

Oh, um, your stag do, remember?

No, I don't remember. Well, yeah...

No, I don't remember any of it. What happened to Franklyn?

I don't know.

PHONE RINGS

What happened last night?

Guys, this is one of my oldest mates. This is Franklyn.

Bit less of "the oldest", Jimmi boy.

Jimbo, Franklyn, hello. You two are sharing a room.

Kevin, Heston, you two in a room.

What? You've got one on your own?

Yep. We're going to have a fantastic time, guys. Particularly you.

Now I know I'm doomed. What humiliations you got lined up for me?

Your fate is out of your own hands.

Lie back and think of Wales.

You're the best man, yeah?

What horrors you got planned for him then? Strippers?

Egg, flour and tomato sauce?

Dump him naked on the last train to London?

Or, better still, I know, Swansea!

No, no, er, we're going to have some drinks, something to eat.

What? And then back here for a nice cup of cocoa? Seriously, man?

That was serious.

Heston, you OK? What's wrong?

-Oh...nothing.

-Look,

the best thing you can do is get some

beers down your neck. Forget about your troubles.

Afraid not. In vino veritas.

More like in vino selfpityas.

OK, boys, back here in one hour.

Mum! I didn't think you were going to come.

You're still my little girl.

I'm so glad that you're here. Thank you.

No T-Shirts left!

I'll cope without one.

-Oh, oop.

-Oh!

-Thank you.

-Ha-ha-ha.

Hiya, I don't think we've all been introduced properly.

I'm Mandy, chief bridesmaid,

and last girl standing from Cherry's student nursing days.

Looks like we're all here, so... The entertainment.

ALL: Whoop Whoop!

So, the frog says to him,

"If you kiss me, I'll make all your fantasies come true,

"I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."

So, the guy picks the frog up, puts her in his shirt pocket, yeah?

And the frog says to him,

"Hey! If you kiss me, I will make all your fantasies come true!"

So the guy pops his teeth back in, turns to the frog and says,

"Listen, love, at my age I'd sooner have the talking frog."

Come on, mate. Cheer up.

He's been like that since we got to the hotel.

I'm OK. I'm OK.

-What's his problem?

-Women.

Ah!

You'll be back to your old self in no time.

Yeah, I'm fine. Can we just stop talking about her? And girlfriends...

Why did she dump you?

-What?

-Have you never had a woman split up with you?

Well, he's never had a girlfriend, has he?

I've had loads of girlfriends.

-You must be quite the swordsman.

-Yeah.

Hey, knock that back. It'll make you feel better.

-What is it?

-Lagavulin.

Drowning his sorrows. Hardly good medical advice.

But you're not doctors tonight. You're men.

It's good bloke advice. In one.

An Islay malt in one?

HAND SLAP DRUM ROLL

ALL: Ooooh!

Hey!

Attaboy, H!

Hey! Can I have another four of those, please.

Guys, maybe we should go and get something to eat.

I've booked a table.

What is this? A stag night or a pensioner's outing?

Fair enough, you're not young anymore,

but this is Jimmi's stag!

It's his last chance to go wild.

It's our last chance to give him a proper send off.

Look, why don't I see what I can improvise?

Give him a night to remember.

He doesn't want anything too...

Who says it's about what he wants?

Anyway, there's this boss, right?

and he's got to fire either his best mate or his girlfriend.

So he trains this squirrel, right? To act like a lie detector,

and he dips them both in what can only be described as...

You must be Freya?

Cherry warned me about you!

Warned?

Said you're a bit of a party animal.

Catch you later.

Are you all right?

Yes. Are you?

No. I have offended Cherry.

I'm sure you're just imagining it.

No, I'm not.

Well, if we're going to take polite

and meaningless questions seriously, I am not all right.

I'm stuck on a hen do with a bunch of wet blankets.

I cannot get comfortable.

I can't even have a proper drink to make it bearable.

And I might be wearing proper grown up shoes

but I can't stand up in them, and if I take them off,

I can't get them back on again, and also all these

splendid men here refuse to flirt with me because of my...

You did ask.

Cherry mentioned that Jimmi had been kidnapped.

What really happened?

Yeah, it was very traumatic for him.

-How long did they keep him?

-Oh, weeks.

And nobody noticed?

Well, yes, but, you know, he was supposed to be on holiday.

They were just a couple of lunatics.

I tell you what, you two haven't wasted any time

in settling into dull middle aged conformity?

Oi, I'm not dull and middle aged.

Danny thinks you are. Responsible jobs, marriage, parenthood.

You were dull when you were married, you were dull before.

Doubles all round?

He doesn't think I'm being sadistic enough. Franklyn, wait, wait.

Look, guys, guys!

Jimmi isn't going to get away tonight completely unscathed.

I'm glad you're all doctors,

cos I don't think my ticker could stick the pace.

Pick a card.

Any one.

That's two!

Go to an attractive girl, take her drink,

down it, then buy her a fresh one.

Her.

ALL: Jimmi! Jimmi! Jimmi! Jimmi! Jimmi! Jimmi...

Go on, son.

Wey hey!

Boy!

Wey hey!

ALL: Yeah!

Come...look, I can't help who I am. I'm sorry.

I haven't got a problem with you being a lesbian.

Look at Mandy!

What is it, then?

Truth and honesty.

You know that I cannot handle being lied to.

OK, honesty, I get it.

I'm sorry.

Friends?

Come here.

Anyway, I'm not a lesbian. I'm bi.

Oh, yeah, of course. Kevin.

-Shut up, shut UP!

-You and astro boy?

Three out of ten?

-No!

-Three times.

-Shut it!

-Astro boy?

Ha-ha-ha!

What are these?

Hey!

Ha-ha-ha!

Will someone, please, get my mum out of here?

Ask a guy in the next urinal, "Do you want a hand?"

Ah!

Hey!

DOES CHICKEN IMPRESSION

OK, OK, fine. I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it.

On one condition.

See those guys, over there?

You go and tell them what you really feel about rugby.

It's your stag night. You have to do it.

DOES CHICKEN IMPRESSION

Back home, Franklyn used to wind everyone up.

He thinks rugby's a game for big, old, repressed...

Guys!

Everyone, I've got an idea, OK?

This better be good.

OK, so, my dear, old friend, here, Mandy, is a lesbian.

She never stops going on about it.

And Freya, obviously, isn't very fussy.

Oh, come on!

So, why don't these two

get together?

Elaine! Elaine! You all right?

I think I need to go home.

OK.

Karen?

-Are you coming with us?

-No!

-Yes! Please! Yes!

Just because I'm enjoying myself,

you think I'm going to embarrass you?

Mum, I think you've think you've had enough?

Because that's what lesbians do.

Just jump on any available passing bird.

That they really think we're automatically

going to fancy each other

just because we're both lesbians.

We don't. It's a stupid idea, sweetheart.

We don't fancy each other.

-Obviously.

-Zara, Zara, Zara, we are going to get a taxi.

Do you want to share it with us?

I know all about lesbians!

Actually, I think I might be just starting to enjoy myself.

Our Immie was a lesbian! It was only for a week, mind! But...

It was an eye opener.

So if you want to kiss,

in front of us,

no reason why you shouldn't.

-Mum!

-Ha-ha-ha!

You are so drunk.

You are SO repressed.

Can't we talk about something else? Anything?

Football!

Nooooo!

Ha-ha-ha!

Freya?!

Kevin, the swordsman, is having a fling with Freya!

Far be it for me to sneer at affairs of the heart.

It's not an affair of the heart.

-What is it, then?

-It's nothing. It's less than nothing.

Less than nothing? Very honourable!

-Protesting a little bit too much, I think.

-Oh, yeah? Watch this.

-Kevin's on the pull!

-Howdy, cowboys.

-Hi.

-Are you having a problem with your phone?

-No.

-I'll just take a look.

-Ah, good man!

Using her phone as a Trojan horse to get talking to her.

-Excellent.

-No. No, he is actually sorting her phone out for her.

Oh, dear. I think he needs reinforcements.

Cavalry!

Ladies, ladies! How are we?

There was a time that would have been us, you know.

-Yeah.

-Franklyn's right, you know. Fatherhood, marriage...

It'll be pipe and slippers next.

What's wrong with pipe and slippers?

Bride to be? What a crime!

Honestly, ladies, you'd think you'd never seen two women kissing before.

Oh, cos it happens on planet Zara, all the time.

Bring on the shots...

What's the lucky boy-to-be's name, then?

Gentlemen, I really think I should go home.

The night's but a foetus, Heston.

Yes, I know, but what with... My heart's not really in it.

We're just watching while the young bucks have fun.

I'm quite tired.

Give my regards to the others. And, Jimmi, have a splendid evening.

You do know, even he thinks we're old farts!

What? Filthy imbecile.

Ha-ha-ha!

Can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, can you?

Disgusting.

Hey, come on! You took it the wrong way.

No, I didn't.

You will do.

-Fine, right, OK. We're settling down.

-Yeah.

Question is, do we do it gracefully or disgracefully?

Two more, barmaid.

ALL: Ah! Ha-ha!

-On Seven!

-Seven!

Right, what have you got planned for me?

Good clean family fun. Pick a card. And no squirming out this time.

-You have got...

-ALL: WOAH!

-Shot.

-You have got ten minutes in which to charm a young lady

out of her pants. Literally.

ALL: WOAH!

-Shot!

-And we want to see the proof this time.

And your ten minutes starts...now.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

No, come on, Mum, if you've got a problem just tell me now, OK?

I was hoping your friends would put my mind at rest about Jimmi.

They've done the exact reverse.

I've heard about this kidnapping,

the policewoman who keeps popping up, that he's a womaniser and...

-It's not like that. He's not like that!

-He sounds like it.

It'll break your daddy's heart.

If anything happened to you because of that man, it'd destroy him.

Mum, I love him.

You're making a dreadful mistake.

-Just stop it!

-Come on, Cherry, come with me.

I think we need a word.

I'm sorry, this is your business, how?

Let me tell you about the decent, honourable,

loyal Jimmi that I know.

Shots!

Those look a bit...

Give me that!

Jimmi, Jimmi, Jimmi,

Busted.

-Ah!

-You think I didn't spot the 24 hour store down the road?

You nipped out and bought these, didn't you?

Forfeit!

What have the English done to you?

The Jimmi of old would've charmed the pants off some girl

and worn them as a badge of honour!

Tut, tut, tut!

No. No!

Shots!

Coming!

ALL: Yeah!

-My servant! Seven.

-What?

Yes, it's true that Jimmi is a bit of a fruitcake.

But a nice fruitcake. It's only OCD.

It's not as if he's schizophrenic or passive aggressive.

"It'll break your daddy's heart." Nice touch.

You've got him wrong, Paula. And you've got to stop it.

I've got to stop it, have I?

Ever since Cherry came on the scene,

Jimmi has been a doe-eyed wet blanket.

I can honestly say that he's become quite the dullest person

I have ever had the misfortune to call a good friend.

And that's a compliment.

You don't ever have to worry about Jimmi doing the dirty.

And have you taken a look at Cherry?

Have you ever seen her happier?

-Come on.

-That's not the point.

That's exactly the point.

No, I haven't.

Well, look on the bright side. She can always divorce him.

I'm sorry...about what I said.

I've have never heard you be so sweet about anyone before.

It was nice.

Not a word.

ALL: Ah! Ha-ha!

-Has anyone talked to you about Starsky?

-Yeah!

I'm not going to do it this time.

Lads! Lads!

Jimmi's forfeit.

He is going to get the name of every woman he's ever slept with

tattooed on his backside.

-Jimmi's bum...

-Are you mad?

-Jimmi's bum isn't that big.

He's going to get...you're going to get killed. And me killed!

No, no, no, no, no. NO!

You're...argh!

Freya?! Oh,...

Are you OK?

It's all...this standing and walking.

It's all right for you lot.

The baby is doing somersaults and my shoes are absolute agony.

Will you stop moaning?

All you've done since you got pregnant

is moan about that bloody baby.

I'm just sick to death of listening to you.

This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

Says you with your vast experience of childbearing.

You got pregnant just like that!

There are women out there that try for years and can't get pregnant.

I am just sick of listening to you.

OK, listen, Missy, I will not be lectured to by an airhead,

whose idea of a world crisis is when her wedding serviettes

aren't quite the retina burning shade of pink that she'd like.

Ladies, come on now.

There are cockroaches I could have more stimulating conversations with.

Why didn't you and Jimmi just save us all the inane drivel and elope?

What? So you can start fantasising about the divorce even sooner?

Cherry, you've got the wrong end of the stick!

Or is it because you won't be the centre of attention for the next few weeks?

-Cherry, please.

-Or is it because you can see that we're happy and...

SHOUTS

You don't know what she did for you!

You know what?

There are women out there who have real problems being pregnant,

and I'm not talking about sore bloody feet!

Heaven help that baby having you as a mother.

Getting pregnant is the hardest thing I have ever had to do,

and I hope to God you never have to go through anything like that,

because I was down to my last eggs!

Yeah. IVF.

I thought I would never have a baby.

And you're probably right, I probably will be a terrible mother

and I know that's what you're all thinking.

And I don't know why I complain all the time,

but being pregnant is hard and my body is...

No, leave me alone.

I'm going to get a cab.

What? Is that my forfeit?

All in good time.

Yeah, well, I know you. I'd have got off lightly so far.

So, what have you got planned?

OK, it's time.

Danny, park the zimmer, get ready to hold him down.

Zimmer?

Look, I've got some good news for you.

I blacked your eye out with some shoe polish last night when you crashed,

-So...

-If it's fake, why does it hurt so much?

No, don't answer that. Is that how we lost Franklyn?

He's a big boy.

He's a complete stranger in a strange town.

He could be lying in a gutter somewhere.

Well, the thing is, we didn't actually lose Franklyn.

OK, guys, very funny. Now cut me free.

Sorry, Frankie, but no.

Jimmi, come on!

The pranks are supposed to be played on the groom, not on...

See, that's the thing,

humiliating the groom is so predictable, traditional.

This is more wild, more youthful, perhaps.

-Oh!

-Oh!

Sorry!

Ah, little woogie-woogie, it's fine.

Now,

say cheese! Fromage!

Ha-ha!

-Shall we go and get a pint?

-Yeah. See ya!

See you in the morning!

Guys!

GUYS!

I just want Jimmi now!

Not back yet. We could wait. But, erm...

I've just seen the door to the health spa.

Sun-loungers. Come on.

Oh! Hee-hee! Come on!

Sh!

Hi! You, again.

Listen, about earlier,

that was just a misunderstanding.

Look, don't worry, ok?

You told me that if he fell into a river he'd come up with

-a salmon between his teeth.

-Don't worry!?

Mate, he's in a strange town, he's disappeared and he's naked!

-Anything could have happened to him!

-Yes.

OK, if we get out now, he won't call the police.

We haven't done anything.

Yeah, I know. Let's just go.

Erm, listen, about last night, I...

VOMITS

Come on! Let's go...now!

Hello, yes, this is Dr Granger from the Mill Health Centre.

I'm calling to see if there was a Franklyn Jones

admitted to A&E last night?

No? OK, how about a guy with no clothes on?

Hi, Mrs Jones, it's Jimmi,

yeah, we're having a great time. Thank you. Thank you.

Franklyn hasn't called you this morning, has he?

Yes, he's fine...he's fine.

Speak to him?

I think he's still sleeping.

Shall I get him to call you or something later?

Look I gotta go, OK. Bye.

He's disappeared off the face of the earth.

Got to be an explanation.

If something bad's happened to him, I am in so much trouble.

PHONE RINGS

Ha-ha-ha!

Lads!

Salmon again?

Cheers again for last night, guys. Revenge, dish best served cold.

Ha-ha-ha!

Drive on, driver!

Wey hey!

You're early.

I haven't even had my lunch yet.

Well, you're not having any lunch.

A couple of pounds, you said.

What's that? 5/6, half a fudging stone?

-Suit you, sir. Suits you.

-What's wrong with you?

Don't you know how important this is to me?

It's my wedding day.

A woman who lives on the banks of a river does not use spittle

to wash her hands.

Jimmi, I've lost the phone.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd