The Morning After and the Night Before Doctors


The Morning After and the Night Before

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# Smile though your heart is aching

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# Smile even though it's breaking. #

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Argh!

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# When there are clouds in the sky. #

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Ah!

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# You'll get by

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# If you smile through your fear and sorrow

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# Smile and maybe tomorrow

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# You'll see the sun come shining through for you

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# Light up your face with gladness

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Ahem.

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# Hide every trace of sadness

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# Although a tear may be... #

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Guys...

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# Ever so near

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# That's the time you must keep on trying... #

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-How the hell...

-...did this happen?

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Oh, um, your stag do, remember?

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No, I don't remember. Well, yeah...

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No, I don't remember any of it. What happened to Franklyn?

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I don't know.

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PHONE RINGS

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What happened last night?

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Guys, this is one of my oldest mates. This is Franklyn.

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Bit less of "the oldest", Jimmi boy.

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Jimbo, Franklyn, hello. You two are sharing a room.

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Kevin, Heston, you two in a room.

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What? You've got one on your own?

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Yep. We're going to have a fantastic time, guys. Particularly you.

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Now I know I'm doomed. What humiliations you got lined up for me?

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Your fate is out of your own hands.

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Lie back and think of Wales.

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You're the best man, yeah?

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What horrors you got planned for him then? Strippers?

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Egg, flour and tomato sauce?

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Dump him naked on the last train to London?

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Or, better still, I know, Swansea!

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No, no, er, we're going to have some drinks, something to eat.

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What? And then back here for a nice cup of cocoa? Seriously, man?

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That was serious.

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Heston, you OK? What's wrong?

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-Oh...nothing.

-Look,

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the best thing you can do is get some

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beers down your neck. Forget about your troubles.

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Afraid not. In vino veritas.

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More like in vino selfpityas.

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OK, boys, back here in one hour.

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Mum! I didn't think you were going to come.

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You're still my little girl.

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I'm so glad that you're here. Thank you.

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No T-Shirts left!

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I'll cope without one.

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-Oh, oop.

-Oh!

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-Thank you.

-Ha-ha-ha.

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Hiya, I don't think we've all been introduced properly.

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I'm Mandy, chief bridesmaid,

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and last girl standing from Cherry's student nursing days.

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Looks like we're all here, so... The entertainment.

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ALL: Whoop Whoop!

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So, the frog says to him,

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"If you kiss me, I'll make all your fantasies come true,

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"I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen."

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So, the guy picks the frog up, puts her in his shirt pocket, yeah?

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And the frog says to him,

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"Hey! If you kiss me, I will make all your fantasies come true!"

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So the guy pops his teeth back in, turns to the frog and says,

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"Listen, love, at my age I'd sooner have the talking frog."

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Come on, mate. Cheer up.

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He's been like that since we got to the hotel.

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I'm OK. I'm OK.

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-What's his problem?

-Women.

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Ah!

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You'll be back to your old self in no time.

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Yeah, I'm fine. Can we just stop talking about her? And girlfriends...

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Why did she dump you?

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-What?

-Have you never had a woman split up with you?

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Well, he's never had a girlfriend, has he?

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I've had loads of girlfriends.

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-You must be quite the swordsman.

-Yeah.

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Hey, knock that back. It'll make you feel better.

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-What is it?

-Lagavulin.

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Drowning his sorrows. Hardly good medical advice.

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But you're not doctors tonight. You're men.

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It's good bloke advice. In one.

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An Islay malt in one?

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HAND SLAP DRUM ROLL

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ALL: Ooooh!

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Hey!

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Attaboy, H!

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Hey! Can I have another four of those, please.

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Guys, maybe we should go and get something to eat.

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I've booked a table.

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What is this? A stag night or a pensioner's outing?

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Fair enough, you're not young anymore,

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but this is Jimmi's stag!

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It's his last chance to go wild.

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It's our last chance to give him a proper send off.

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Look, why don't I see what I can improvise?

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Give him a night to remember.

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He doesn't want anything too...

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Who says it's about what he wants?

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Anyway, there's this boss, right?

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and he's got to fire either his best mate or his girlfriend.

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So he trains this squirrel, right? To act like a lie detector,

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and he dips them both in what can only be described as...

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You must be Freya?

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Cherry warned me about you!

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Warned?

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Said you're a bit of a party animal.

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Catch you later.

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Are you all right?

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Yes. Are you?

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No. I have offended Cherry.

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I'm sure you're just imagining it.

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No, I'm not.

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Well, if we're going to take polite

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and meaningless questions seriously, I am not all right.

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I'm stuck on a hen do with a bunch of wet blankets.

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I cannot get comfortable.

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I can't even have a proper drink to make it bearable.

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And I might be wearing proper grown up shoes

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but I can't stand up in them, and if I take them off,

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I can't get them back on again, and also all these

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splendid men here refuse to flirt with me because of my...

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You did ask.

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Cherry mentioned that Jimmi had been kidnapped.

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What really happened?

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Yeah, it was very traumatic for him.

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-How long did they keep him?

-Oh, weeks.

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And nobody noticed?

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Well, yes, but, you know, he was supposed to be on holiday.

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They were just a couple of lunatics.

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I tell you what, you two haven't wasted any time

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in settling into dull middle aged conformity?

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Oi, I'm not dull and middle aged.

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Danny thinks you are. Responsible jobs, marriage, parenthood.

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You were dull when you were married, you were dull before.

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Doubles all round?

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He doesn't think I'm being sadistic enough. Franklyn, wait, wait.

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Look, guys, guys!

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Jimmi isn't going to get away tonight completely unscathed.

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I'm glad you're all doctors,

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cos I don't think my ticker could stick the pace.

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Pick a card.

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Any one.

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That's two!

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Go to an attractive girl, take her drink,

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down it, then buy her a fresh one.

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Her.

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ALL: Jimmi! Jimmi! Jimmi! Jimmi! Jimmi! Jimmi...

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Go on, son.

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Wey hey!

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Boy!

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Wey hey!

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ALL: Yeah!

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Come...look, I can't help who I am. I'm sorry.

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I haven't got a problem with you being a lesbian.

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Look at Mandy!

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What is it, then?

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Truth and honesty.

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You know that I cannot handle being lied to.

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OK, honesty, I get it.

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I'm sorry.

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Friends?

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Come here.

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Anyway, I'm not a lesbian. I'm bi.

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Oh, yeah, of course. Kevin.

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-Shut up, shut UP!

-You and astro boy?

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Three out of ten?

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-No!

-Three times.

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-Shut it!

-Astro boy?

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Ha-ha-ha!

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What are these?

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Hey!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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Will someone, please, get my mum out of here?

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Ask a guy in the next urinal, "Do you want a hand?"

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Ah!

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Hey!

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DOES CHICKEN IMPRESSION

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OK, OK, fine. I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it.

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On one condition.

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See those guys, over there?

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You go and tell them what you really feel about rugby.

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It's your stag night. You have to do it.

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DOES CHICKEN IMPRESSION

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Back home, Franklyn used to wind everyone up.

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He thinks rugby's a game for big, old, repressed...

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Guys!

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Everyone, I've got an idea, OK?

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This better be good.

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OK, so, my dear, old friend, here, Mandy, is a lesbian.

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She never stops going on about it.

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And Freya, obviously, isn't very fussy.

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Oh, come on!

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So, why don't these two

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get together?

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Elaine! Elaine! You all right?

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I think I need to go home.

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OK.

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Karen?

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-Are you coming with us?

-No!

-Yes! Please! Yes!

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Just because I'm enjoying myself,

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you think I'm going to embarrass you?

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Mum, I think you've think you've had enough?

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Because that's what lesbians do.

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Just jump on any available passing bird.

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That they really think we're automatically

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going to fancy each other

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just because we're both lesbians.

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We don't. It's a stupid idea, sweetheart.

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We don't fancy each other.

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-Obviously.

-Zara, Zara, Zara, we are going to get a taxi.

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Do you want to share it with us?

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I know all about lesbians!

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Actually, I think I might be just starting to enjoy myself.

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Our Immie was a lesbian! It was only for a week, mind! But...

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It was an eye opener.

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So if you want to kiss,

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in front of us,

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no reason why you shouldn't.

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-Mum!

-Ha-ha-ha!

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You are so drunk.

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You are SO repressed.

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Can't we talk about something else? Anything?

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Football!

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Nooooo!

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Ha-ha-ha!

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Freya?!

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Kevin, the swordsman, is having a fling with Freya!

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Far be it for me to sneer at affairs of the heart.

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It's not an affair of the heart.

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-What is it, then?

-It's nothing. It's less than nothing.

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Less than nothing? Very honourable!

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-Protesting a little bit too much, I think.

-Oh, yeah? Watch this.

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-Kevin's on the pull!

-Howdy, cowboys.

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-Hi.

-Are you having a problem with your phone?

-No.

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-I'll just take a look.

-Ah, good man!

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Using her phone as a Trojan horse to get talking to her.

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-Excellent.

-No. No, he is actually sorting her phone out for her.

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Oh, dear. I think he needs reinforcements.

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Cavalry!

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Ladies, ladies! How are we?

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There was a time that would have been us, you know.

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-Yeah.

-Franklyn's right, you know. Fatherhood, marriage...

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It'll be pipe and slippers next.

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What's wrong with pipe and slippers?

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Bride to be? What a crime!

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Honestly, ladies, you'd think you'd never seen two women kissing before.

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Oh, cos it happens on planet Zara, all the time.

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Bring on the shots...

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What's the lucky boy-to-be's name, then?

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Gentlemen, I really think I should go home.

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The night's but a foetus, Heston.

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Yes, I know, but what with... My heart's not really in it.

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We're just watching while the young bucks have fun.

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I'm quite tired.

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Give my regards to the others. And, Jimmi, have a splendid evening.

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You do know, even he thinks we're old farts!

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What? Filthy imbecile.

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Ha-ha-ha!

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Can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, can you?

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Disgusting.

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Hey, come on! You took it the wrong way.

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No, I didn't.

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You will do.

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-Fine, right, OK. We're settling down.

-Yeah.

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Question is, do we do it gracefully or disgracefully?

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Two more, barmaid.

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ALL: Ah! Ha-ha!

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-On Seven!

-Seven!

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Right, what have you got planned for me?

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Good clean family fun. Pick a card. And no squirming out this time.

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-You have got...

-ALL: WOAH!

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-Shot.

-You have got ten minutes in which to charm a young lady

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out of her pants. Literally.

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ALL: WOAH!

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-Shot!

-And we want to see the proof this time.

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And your ten minutes starts...now.

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We'll talk about it tomorrow.

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No, come on, Mum, if you've got a problem just tell me now, OK?

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I was hoping your friends would put my mind at rest about Jimmi.

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They've done the exact reverse.

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I've heard about this kidnapping,

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the policewoman who keeps popping up, that he's a womaniser and...

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-It's not like that. He's not like that!

-He sounds like it.

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It'll break your daddy's heart.

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If anything happened to you because of that man, it'd destroy him.

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Mum, I love him.

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You're making a dreadful mistake.

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-Just stop it!

-Come on, Cherry, come with me.

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I think we need a word.

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I'm sorry, this is your business, how?

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Let me tell you about the decent, honourable,

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loyal Jimmi that I know.

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Shots!

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Those look a bit...

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Give me that!

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Jimmi, Jimmi, Jimmi,

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Busted.

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-Ah!

-You think I didn't spot the 24 hour store down the road?

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You nipped out and bought these, didn't you?

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Forfeit!

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What have the English done to you?

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The Jimmi of old would've charmed the pants off some girl

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and worn them as a badge of honour!

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Tut, tut, tut!

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No. No!

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Shots!

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Coming!

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ALL: Yeah!

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-My servant! Seven.

-What?

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Yes, it's true that Jimmi is a bit of a fruitcake.

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But a nice fruitcake. It's only OCD.

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It's not as if he's schizophrenic or passive aggressive.

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"It'll break your daddy's heart." Nice touch.

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You've got him wrong, Paula. And you've got to stop it.

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I've got to stop it, have I?

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Ever since Cherry came on the scene,

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Jimmi has been a doe-eyed wet blanket.

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I can honestly say that he's become quite the dullest person

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I have ever had the misfortune to call a good friend.

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And that's a compliment.

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You don't ever have to worry about Jimmi doing the dirty.

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And have you taken a look at Cherry?

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Have you ever seen her happier?

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-Come on.

-That's not the point.

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That's exactly the point.

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No, I haven't.

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Well, look on the bright side. She can always divorce him.

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I'm sorry...about what I said.

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I've have never heard you be so sweet about anyone before.

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It was nice.

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Not a word.

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ALL: Ah! Ha-ha!

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-Has anyone talked to you about Starsky?

-Yeah!

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I'm not going to do it this time.

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Lads! Lads!

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Jimmi's forfeit.

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He is going to get the name of every woman he's ever slept with

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tattooed on his backside.

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-Jimmi's bum...

-Are you mad?

-Jimmi's bum isn't that big.

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He's going to get...you're going to get killed. And me killed!

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No, no, no, no, no. NO!

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You're...argh!

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Freya?! Oh,...

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Are you OK?

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It's all...this standing and walking.

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It's all right for you lot.

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The baby is doing somersaults and my shoes are absolute agony.

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Will you stop moaning?

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All you've done since you got pregnant

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is moan about that bloody baby.

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I'm just sick to death of listening to you.

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This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

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Says you with your vast experience of childbearing.

0:20:200:20:23

You got pregnant just like that!

0:20:230:20:24

There are women out there that try for years and can't get pregnant.

0:20:240:20:28

I am just sick of listening to you.

0:20:280:20:32

OK, listen, Missy, I will not be lectured to by an airhead,

0:20:320:20:35

whose idea of a world crisis is when her wedding serviettes

0:20:350:20:38

aren't quite the retina burning shade of pink that she'd like.

0:20:380:20:41

Ladies, come on now.

0:20:410:20:42

There are cockroaches I could have more stimulating conversations with.

0:20:420:20:45

Why didn't you and Jimmi just save us all the inane drivel and elope?

0:20:450:20:48

What? So you can start fantasising about the divorce even sooner?

0:20:480:20:51

Cherry, you've got the wrong end of the stick!

0:20:510:20:53

Or is it because you won't be the centre of attention for the next few weeks?

0:20:530:20:56

-Cherry, please.

-Or is it because you can see that we're happy and...

0:20:560:20:59

SHOUTS

0:20:590:21:00

You don't know what she did for you!

0:21:000:21:03

You know what?

0:21:030:21:04

There are women out there who have real problems being pregnant,

0:21:040:21:07

and I'm not talking about sore bloody feet!

0:21:070:21:09

Heaven help that baby having you as a mother.

0:21:090:21:11

Getting pregnant is the hardest thing I have ever had to do,

0:21:110:21:14

and I hope to God you never have to go through anything like that,

0:21:140:21:18

because I was down to my last eggs!

0:21:180:21:20

Yeah. IVF.

0:21:260:21:27

I thought I would never have a baby.

0:21:270:21:30

And you're probably right, I probably will be a terrible mother

0:21:320:21:36

and I know that's what you're all thinking.

0:21:360:21:38

And I don't know why I complain all the time,

0:21:380:21:41

but being pregnant is hard and my body is...

0:21:410:21:44

No, leave me alone.

0:21:440:21:47

I'm going to get a cab.

0:21:500:21:51

What? Is that my forfeit?

0:22:060:22:09

All in good time.

0:22:090:22:10

Yeah, well, I know you. I'd have got off lightly so far.

0:22:100:22:12

So, what have you got planned?

0:22:120:22:14

OK, it's time.

0:22:140:22:16

Danny, park the zimmer, get ready to hold him down.

0:22:160:22:19

Zimmer?

0:22:210:22:23

Look, I've got some good news for you.

0:22:270:22:29

I blacked your eye out with some shoe polish last night when you crashed,

0:22:290:22:33

-So...

-If it's fake, why does it hurt so much?

0:22:330:22:37

No, don't answer that. Is that how we lost Franklyn?

0:22:370:22:39

He's a big boy.

0:22:390:22:41

He's a complete stranger in a strange town.

0:22:410:22:44

He could be lying in a gutter somewhere.

0:22:440:22:45

Well, the thing is, we didn't actually lose Franklyn.

0:22:450:22:49

OK, guys, very funny. Now cut me free.

0:22:520:22:55

Sorry, Frankie, but no.

0:22:550:22:56

Jimmi, come on!

0:22:560:22:59

The pranks are supposed to be played on the groom, not on...

0:22:590:23:02

See, that's the thing,

0:23:020:23:03

humiliating the groom is so predictable, traditional.

0:23:030:23:06

This is more wild, more youthful, perhaps.

0:23:060:23:10

-Oh!

-Oh!

0:23:100:23:11

Sorry!

0:23:110:23:13

Ah, little woogie-woogie, it's fine.

0:23:130:23:15

Now,

0:23:150:23:16

say cheese! Fromage!

0:23:160:23:20

Ha-ha!

0:23:200:23:22

-Shall we go and get a pint?

-Yeah. See ya!

0:23:220:23:25

See you in the morning!

0:23:250:23:28

Guys!

0:23:280:23:29

GUYS!

0:23:290:23:32

I just want Jimmi now!

0:23:340:23:36

Not back yet. We could wait. But, erm...

0:23:420:23:48

I've just seen the door to the health spa.

0:23:480:23:52

Sun-loungers. Come on.

0:23:520:23:54

Oh! Hee-hee! Come on!

0:24:030:24:07

Sh!

0:24:080:24:12

Hi! You, again.

0:24:240:24:26

Listen, about earlier,

0:24:280:24:30

that was just a misunderstanding.

0:24:300:24:33

Look, don't worry, ok?

0:24:360:24:38

You told me that if he fell into a river he'd come up with

0:24:380:24:40

-a salmon between his teeth.

-Don't worry!?

0:24:400:24:42

Mate, he's in a strange town, he's disappeared and he's naked!

0:24:420:24:45

-Anything could have happened to him!

-Yes.

0:24:450:24:48

OK, if we get out now, he won't call the police.

0:24:580:25:01

We haven't done anything.

0:25:010:25:02

Yeah, I know. Let's just go.

0:25:020:25:05

Erm, listen, about last night, I...

0:25:050:25:10

VOMITS

0:25:100:25:14

Come on! Let's go...now!

0:25:140:25:17

Hello, yes, this is Dr Granger from the Mill Health Centre.

0:25:290:25:31

I'm calling to see if there was a Franklyn Jones

0:25:310:25:34

admitted to A&E last night?

0:25:340:25:35

No? OK, how about a guy with no clothes on?

0:25:350:25:38

Hi, Mrs Jones, it's Jimmi,

0:25:380:25:40

yeah, we're having a great time. Thank you. Thank you.

0:25:400:25:43

Franklyn hasn't called you this morning, has he?

0:25:430:25:46

Yes, he's fine...he's fine.

0:25:460:25:48

Speak to him?

0:25:480:25:50

I think he's still sleeping.

0:25:500:25:53

Shall I get him to call you or something later?

0:25:530:25:56

Look I gotta go, OK. Bye.

0:25:560:25:57

He's disappeared off the face of the earth.

0:25:570:25:59

Got to be an explanation.

0:25:590:26:01

If something bad's happened to him, I am in so much trouble.

0:26:010:26:03

PHONE RINGS

0:26:030:26:06

Ha-ha-ha!

0:26:140:26:16

Lads!

0:26:210:26:23

Salmon again?

0:26:230:26:25

Cheers again for last night, guys. Revenge, dish best served cold.

0:26:250:26:32

Ha-ha-ha!

0:26:320:26:35

Drive on, driver!

0:26:350:26:40

Wey hey!

0:26:400:26:41

You're early.

0:26:430:26:44

I haven't even had my lunch yet.

0:26:440:26:46

Well, you're not having any lunch.

0:26:460:26:48

A couple of pounds, you said.

0:26:480:26:50

What's that? 5/6, half a fudging stone?

0:26:500:26:52

-Suit you, sir. Suits you.

-What's wrong with you?

0:26:520:26:54

Don't you know how important this is to me?

0:26:540:26:57

It's my wedding day.

0:26:570:26:58

A woman who lives on the banks of a river does not use spittle

0:26:580:27:02

to wash her hands.

0:27:020:27:03

Jimmi, I've lost the phone.

0:27:030:27:05

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