Perfect Storm Doctors

-RADIO:

-'Lots of nasty stuff on the highways and byways this morning.

'Still got the problems with the tunnels shut

'coming in off the Aston Expressway, only one lane open northbound.

'The Letherbridge Bypass is down to one lane, that's both ways,

'and our traffic desk has had calls telling us the A435 is gridlocked.

Mate, I really think I should come.

You should go. You should definitely go.

No, it does not mean I think you'll mess it up.

Belt and braces, mate, that's all it is.

Tell Daniel I've got the final fitting for my wedding dress and that it's a team effort.

Yep, yep, lunchtime.

Tell him...the Campus.

I don't want to see anything.

The Campus, yeah? See ya.

This is the final fitting for my wedding dress, my wedding dress,

this is very exciting.

-Argh, straight to answer machine.

-Stop calling her. You're like a stalker.

How was I supposed to know?

PHONE RINGS

Zara?

Oh, Kate? What's wrong?

Don't panic. Tiny logistical problem.

I've got an amazing new client. I've got to see her tonight at seven,

on Lady Byron Lane. She's...

'No, no, no, no, no!'

You are not "popping" anywhere. I'm your client.

It's Solihull! She's got 12 bridesmaids and an unlimited budget.

No, Kate, don't do this to me.

You can't do this to me, Kate.

'Kate, Kate! Are you there?'

You could come to me at lunchtime.

I haven't got time. You'll have to come to me.

-But I've got white-coat syndrome.

-Of course you have.

-I have! I can't bare the smell of hospitals.

-It is a medical practice.

If I hear a rattle of phlegm I'm likely to throw up.

'You will come to meet me for 2:15,

'you will do the final fitting for my wedding dress'

on my lunch break, which is the only free time

'I've got before I get married.'

You're not going to leave until your contracted work for my wedding is complete.

I don't care if your new clients live in Buckingham Palace.

'Have I made myself clear?'

I'll see you after two.

'And leave plenty of time for the journey, traffic's a nightmare.'

Hmm.

What?!

I can be assertive, when I need to be.

Course you can.

I am not going to let one single fly land in my chardonnay.

Not tomorrow, not today.

Atta girl!

MUSIC: "Upside Down" by Paloma Faith

Hey, I like that song.

So? What did Jimmi want this time?

It is the final fitting frenzy.

Jimmi's insisting on coming with me to collect the suits with me

and I'm not having that.

It's the best man's job to make sure the pressure's off.

-I wouldn't want to be the seamstress fitting the pinkness' frock.

-Why?

You must have noticed, my darling, the bride's turning into a right porker.

Spiteful, darling.

Saddle that pig.

If you need to pee this much today what you going to be like tomorrow?

I'm excited! Have you got your list?

-Yep!

-And have you thought about a present for Daniel?

-Nope!

-Jimmi!

Come on, Sergeant Control Freak, I'll think of something, I'll sort it out.

I got Immie and Mandy's weeks ago.

Easy! Pendants and perfume.

Woah! Don't worry! It's all under control.

Everything is under control.

An hour and ten minutes?

-Insane.

-We should have gone down Melrose Avenue.

In fact, you shouldn't've gone anywhere.

Oh don't start. Women all over the world work until they pop, until they really have to stop.

I am one of those women,

not some bored hausfrau sitting at home making herself miserable as sin

contemplating her own stretch marks.

Whatever you say, sweetheart.

Please give that to Julia.

-Yes, boss!

-Now, I've got the bat phone, if you need anything you call me,

and I mean anything.

Brat phone, more like. Thank you, Commissioner Gordon.

Hey hey hey, have I told you I love you today?

I love you.

Even if you are looking a little bit more like The Penguin

than Cat Woman these days.

All right! Goodness!

Unnecessary.

See you!

It's deliberate, and I know why you do it.

You think if you make enough yuck cups of coffee people will stop asking. Well, I'm asking.

I'm not making.

It's your turn.

Since when is it my turn?

No-one else has turn.

I don't see Heston having a turn.

I'd love to see you make Zara have a turn.

You're the new boy.

You don't make Freya do it! Besides, you're on reception and as such,

there's an established allocation of tasks in our working relationship.

SHE SIGHS

What?

Are you saying that if I had my HCA hat on you would make me a coffee?

I might.

Kevin Tyler, if you don't get that kettle on it's tickle time.

No, you wouldn't dare! Ahhhhh! OK, OK!

And I'll have a biscuit with mine!

Oh, I've just been on line.

And?

What I might do is tick the box and pay for that music movie centre thing

but some little...tinker has already bought it for them.

Ah, no. What now?

D'you know what's left?

Tea towels and a bird feeder, that's what's left.

I have never approved of this wedding list business.

It smells of avarice.

Some of us have to watch our pennies.

At least we would've been able to get them

something they really wanted and we could all have paid for it.

It's about not getting four toasters, really.

Thank the Lord they did not get two surround-sound home blu movie three dimensional televisions.

What an embarrassment of sensory experience that would have been.

It's Blu-ray, not blu movie, that's different,

specially in 3D.

Yeah.

-Powwow?

-Lunchtime?

-Have to be.

Icon bar? You with us, Mrs Tembe?

Thank you, but I have a peanut butter sandwich and a Cox's Orange Pippin.

Well, look, if I'd got my act together and bought the wretched thing last week...

So what I'm saying is it's really nobody else's fault but..

Yours.

So, lunch is on me!

Oh! I will telephone Mrs Hollins and also see if Doctor Wilson is free.

Anyone else?

Well, I would ask Doctor Carmichael but I know what she will say.

How did she do that?

How did she go from a Cox's Orange Pippin

to inviting everyone to lunch and you're paying?

She's good.

We'll split the bill.

No, don't be daft. It'll be nice, anyway, all us girlies.

Talking about "us girlies", did you hear what I heard?

What, you mean about the hen night?

After we left?

Ahhh,

Freya and Mandy.

No! What happened?

Oh, well, according to Immie...

Major pash.

Major Pash? Corporal Snog?

Private Parts.

Did you hear about the scrap?

What scrap?

Cherry and Zara.

What? You're kidding.

Cuppa?

Don't mind if I do.

Where's Heston this morning?

He's not a stag night fatality, is he?

No, he's at home.

I think all this talk of the nuptials and all that

is really getting to him. Bless him.

Poor Heston. Poor Marina.

Yeah, I know.

I don't see why I can't knock off early.

We haven't had a single patient in the last half hour.

What if some poor soul is schlepping through the traffic

and mayhem to get their polyps looked at.

You don't even know what a polyp is.

To get their polyps looked at only to find you've bogged off for a pizza.

Tell you what, it's murder out there.

Oh, the suits, can I have a look?

No, it's bad luck.

Right, I'm off.

How come you get to go early?!

Because I am meeting up with Julia, and Elaine and Mrs Tembe.

And Freya if she finishes her house calls.

What a delightful luncheon party. What happened to your hypothetical polyp patient?

-Tell 'em if they pick it it'll never heal.

-Zara not invited?

She likes lunch out with the girls.

Have you met Zara?

Tolerates, maybe.

Likes?

Even so, it would've been nice if she could've felt included.

Yeah, what a bunch of cowbags.

-She was invited!

-Was she?

Yes.

She's making the most of quiet time.

She's got her feet up.

And fair play to Zara cos the pair of you

are not going to know what's hit you once that baby arrives.

I know. Can't wait.

Are you sure we can't tempt you?

I can't face it.

OK, fair enough but just remember, all serious suggestions welcome, OK?

OK, I promise I will keep thinking about the wedding present.

That's very good of you, thanks. See you later, bye.

Does anybody want half a tuna sandwich?

Where are they all off to?

Zara, will you please talk to me.

I don't want to.

Why?

Because you present yourself as all frilly and nice,

and that's bad enough, but inside you're not frilly at all,

you're ugly.

I hate the doctors.

What in the name of all that's holy have you done to yourself?

You're early. I haven't had lunch.

You're not having any lunch. I allowed double the journey time.

A couple of pounds, you said. What is that? Five? Six? Half a fudging stone!

Excuse me?!

Ugly and fat.

She's nice.

She's upset.

She's upset?

What you have done, Cherry Malone,

is present me with an extreme tailoring crisis.

She's upset?

A less skilled seamstress would run a mile, look at your bubblies.

You do realise you're being extremely rude?

Get your kit off.

Let's see exactly how much chubby we're talking about here.

Cake? Gridlock? Cake.

-You'll be having to move the button on your trousers.

-Why's that?

Zara thinks Cherry looks bonny.

Bonny?! What?!

You know what I think about sex and skinny birds?

No, but I want you to tell me.

Like going to bed with a bicycle.

Yeah well, Cherry's just right size and my waist is the same size as the first time I got married so...

I'll put that in the speech. Check out your threads, brother.

Purple velvet?!

Oops!

OK. Gluteus medius muscle...

You are about to get yours.

SHE GASPS

OK, thanks very much.

What did they say?

There's no problem, there's just been a mix up.

They've got ours, we've got theirs. Easy to sort.

What did I tell you?

You've got to chill, Wallace.

"Oh no, Grommit, we'll not get wed in wrong trousers."

Do you have any idea how wrong they are?

We'll just swap them.

Do we have to?

Doesn't a tiny bit of you want to go to this wedding?

Franklyn, take them off.

Not here.

How could you?

I was happy. I ate cake.

Did you not see Kate Middleton?

Do you not think she was happy? Happy and thin.

I can't stand the smell in these places.

-I didn't expect to be here for long or I wouldn't have said I'd come.

-It's disinfectant.

To you maybe, to me it's ill people blood and pus.

I couldn't work here.

Oh, there's hemline impact.

Which, correct me if I'm wrong, I am going to be paying you to fix.

Ow!!

Mmm.

Mmm.

This is delicious.

Embrace the carbs, ladies.

None of us are going to drop an ounce before tomorrow, are we?

So what are we going to do about a present?

Well, Zara did suggest that we send them potholing!

What a cow!

I know, and I asked Heston if he had any ideas

but I didn't want to push him.

I am very concerned about Doctor Carter.

Me too.

What happened with those two?

I haven't really asked. They just seem a bit too pained.

Well, it's a shame.

Because Marina's not going to stay on the shelf for long, is she?

It is Doctor Carter who is the one who is a good catch.

And they're lovely, they're lovely together.

I think that if we leave things as they are

Marina will be out there hooking up with someone new

before they realise they've made a big mistake.

Game over, good night, Vienna.

She'll be off and Heston will be on his own again.

No, that is not right.

A woman who lives on the banks of a river does not use spittle to wash her hands.

In some industries three centimetres means nothing

-but in bridal, I'm not saying we're zero tolerant but..

-GROANING

Shhh! What is that?

I'm focusing on your hem.

Turn the radio off a sec.

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

SILENCE

Do you mind if I re-focus?

Elton's helping.

Suits you, sir.

Oh, suits you.

What's wrong with you? Don't you know how important this is to me? This is my wedding.

Ah, mate, come on, calm down.

-Deep breaths - in out, in...

-Franklyn!

Everything is going to be fine. They're mortified.

The right trousers are at the main branch.

Nothing else is going to go wrong.

Ha! Jinxed it!

Shut up! The main branch? I thought this was the main branch.

No, it's not, it's ten minutes away.

-Do you think we'd be monkeying about if it wasn't all sorted?

-Come on.

GROANING

No, seriously, what is that?

GROANING

What is it?

Sounds like one for you.

GROANING

SHE GROANS

If you wear that I swear I'm getting a hat like Princess Beatrice.

Zara, you're in labour.

Way too early, these are just Braxton Hicks.

No, Zara, you're in labour.

You think I wouldn't know if I'd started?

Yep I think you're right.

Oh, your dress,

that really was not deliberate.

Never mind the dress. We're going to get you an ambulance.

Oi!

OK, well just get here as soon as you can.

It's madness out there it could be about 45 minutes,

but the motorcycle paramedic could get here first.

-What we need to do is...

-Call Daniel. It's in my bag.

PHONE VIBRATES

'This is Daniel Granger, please leave a message.'

Straight to answer machine. I'll try Jimmi's.

'Jimmi here. I can't get to the phone so leave us a message. Cheers.'

What is it with everyone?

Julia.

PHONE VIBRATES

'Sorry I'm not available to take your call.'

Anyone else?

OK, try Karen.

She's not under Karen, she's under Gobby Hollins.

PHONE VIBRATES

So what are we going to do about a present?

'I'm sorry, there's nobody to take your call at the moment.'

What's the point of having a bloody mobile if you're not going to answer it?

SHE GROANS

Oh, for love of...

Go and deal with your Vivien Westwood!

-Thank you.

-Thanks.

Oh, had a missed call from Zara.

She probably wants to suggest a gift voucher for colonic irrigation,

you know, for after the potholing.

Sorry. Sorry.

Come on, let's go over this plan one more time.

Right I have to distract Cherry before everybody is seated and then...

It's my job to find Heston and Marina's place cards.

PHONE BEEPS

Whilst I take an overview, being prepared to intercept if necessary.

What's that?

Nothing.

While I will act as wing man

in case Elaine doesn't have time to switch the place names whilst you, nosey Hollins...

Nosey Hollins!

Whilst I collar the DJ

with a request for Marina and Heston's our song

for shortly after the first dance.

And our tune being, and you're absolutely sure about this?

Yes, yes.

MUSIC: "You Might Need Somebody"

She bought him the "Best of" album just before Christmas.

Oh, well, all in all I think,

with the addition of several bottles of bubbly

that sounds like a really good plan and a fantastic evening.

Rather than a rainy night in Georgia!

What? I know rhythm and blues.

SONG CONTINUES

# When you look around

# You don't have to be alone

# Just one lover

# Is all you need to know

-# When you're feeling all alone.

-#

Dead romantic.

So, we have completely abandoned the wedding present now?

Zara, will you please just let me help you?

This is a surgery, a doctors' surgery.

I want a doctor.

I do not want some miffed Tinkerbell who thinks I'm trying to hog all the fairy dust and limelight.

Zara, it looks easy, you made it look easy.

It's called having a stiff upper.

Get me a doctor!

There's no-one else here. There's only me but I can handle this

-if you just let me...

-You go near me and I will slap you.

I want a doctor. Get me a doctor!

Somebody calling for a doctor?

Right, coffees all round. It's only ten past.

-If we're a bit late Cherry can cover.

-Kevin can cope.

I want Daniel. And I want an ambulance.

Daniel's on his way and the ambulance isn't going to be long.

Liar!

I need to see how dilated you are.

SHE MOANS

Who is that?

That's my dressmaker. Zara, it's too soon, isn't it?

I know, that's why I need Daniel.

I can't let it be too soon, I can't let it happen.

You can't stop it.

I am not having my baby without Daniel.

I am not having my baby here and I am not having my baby with you!

Because I believed the everything is easy act?

-The act everyone was supposed to believe?

-Doesn't seem fair.

-Butt out.

-Daniel!

You did everything to get pregnant, that wasn't easy. You didn't share that with anybody else

but you did get through it.

It has been hard.

You're going to jeopardise that just cos you're mad at me?

-Look if you're not going to let me deliver the baby...

-You are not a doctor.

..then let Kevin.

Open my legs in front of him? Are you mad?!

Zara, grow up!

I can do babies.

ZARA GROANS

I want Daniel! I'm not having this baby without Daniel!

I've left him messages, Zara, he's on his way.

Cherry, have you got a minute?

-Now?

-Yes!

It has been hard, very hard.

I know. I know.

But I don't do asking for help.

It's a good job you don't have to. OK? Just one second.

What?!

What are we going to do?

Make sure Zara and the baby are OK then we're going to find Daniel. In that order.

-Daniel and Jimmi are with his mate.

-They're with Franklyn?

-Yeah.

OK, we can find them then.

Go into my room get my phone, call Franklyn

and tell him what's happened and get Daniel back here.

Daniel!

Kevin, Kevin, be quick.

When you get back you're going to be Daniel.

And I'm going to handle everything else, OK?

ZARA PANTS

Daniel, mate, it's kicking off.

We need to get you back to the Mill pronto.

What is?

That was your man Kevin, Zara's having the baby.

Ha! Ha! Pack it in. You'd do anything to be best man.

-It's not going to happen.

-I'm not joking.

If anything was to happen to Zara she'd call me on the brat phone.

Jimmi, I've lost the phone.

Let me do something.

I want Daniel. Not you!

Well tough, cos I'm what you've got.

Don't push yet, Zara.

I'm Daniel, until he gets here, OK? I'm him. I've got you.

Ohhhh!

It's too soon.

He wants to be here.

But not this early.

He's starting as he means to go on, showing you who's boss.

I have to push.

It's OK, it's OK. He's coming.

Zara, you're doing really well.

Keep pushing. That's it, keep pushing.

I can see the top of his head.

Keep pushing. That's it.

Keep pushing.

Stop pushing, Zara.

Please, please, Cherry, please.

It's OK. Just one more, Zara.

-I can't.

-You can. Come on, Zara, you can do this.

-I can't, it's too much.

-No, it's not Zara, not for you.

We both know how strong you are. Come on.

Just one more, that's it. One more.

SILENCE

Let me see him, I want to see him. Please!

Let her do it, Zara.

Come on, let her go.

Ah, let me out.

Let me in.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

OK.

Where's our son?

-Cherry.

-Go on.

Cherry!

BABY GURGLES

He's breathing.

Is he?

See? I told you, didn't I?

Didn't I tell you?!

Here's Daddy.

Oh!

Hello.

BABY CRIES

SIREN WAILS

It's OK, they're coming.

-Where's Cherry?

-She's fine.

You are so beautiful.

It's going to be OK.

BABY CRIES

Zara? Zara!

Zara, sweetie!

Are you all right?

It's all right, it's going to be fine.

Did you...?

Yeah, she was amazing.

The baby?

The next 24 hours are going to be crucial.

He's really, really tiny,

and he's here far too soon.

No, I think Daniel would want us to carry on.

Yeah, I know Zara would want us to, "Get the darn thing over with."

-Zara.

-No, come on, Daniel,

you tell me, if you were to place a bet

on his chances what would you reckon? 50/50? More? Less?

What about...

that guy, the guy next to her?

Avoid. Like the plague.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd