Nothing Ventured Doctors

'Good morning. It's Letherbridge FM.'

MUSIC: "Wild Young Hearts" by Noisettes

HE BELCHES

So, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

Can I get you some coffee?

Nope... Fine, thank you.

TYRES SCREECH

Excuse me. I was going to park there.

-So? Park somewhere else.

-Did you see me before you pulled in?

-No.

-I think you'll find you didn't indicate either.

-What?

-Concentration and observation - the difference between safe driving and an accident.

You're Zirner, aren't you? I'm your supervisor.

Ah, Mr Templeton.

That's right. They told me about you.

All good I hope.

Just hurry up and park the car.

It's really weird not being with you on your birthday.

Was it OK? With your parents?

At least I didn't spend the whole evening worrying what I was saying.

I keep on thinking about all the things I've told Freya.

Is everything going to turn up on her blog?

Do I have to mentally check every single word that I say to her?

No. You don't.

I'm sorry. What else can I say?

There were maybe things that I shouldn't have put on the blog.

OK, there were things I definitely shouldn't have put on the blog,

but next time I will be more discreet, I promise.

To prove it - blog-free day. Fingers won't touch the keyboard.

-You've said that before.

-Yeah, well, this time I mean it.

Yeah. And we're supposed to believe that?

-Don't you think you're a bit old for all of this?

-I hope not.

Shouldn't you be out gardening or collecting stamps or whatever it is old people do.

I like to think of myself as fine wine. I improve with age.

Well, things have changed since you retired.

-What makes you think you can still handle it?

-I've done my homework. The course is much the same.

Everything else has changed. New company, new way of doing things.

Sometimes the old ways are best.

I think you'll find I had an excellent record.

I know all about your record. You had a rep for being difficult.

Telling people how to do their jobs, contradicting your supervisors...

Only when they were wrong.

-Well, there we go.

-Things have to be done the right way.

Things have to be done my way. You don't like it, you can leave.

-And don't forget - you're still on probation.

-I know.

And this habit you have of kicking people off the course has got to stop.

-It isn't a habit.

-Really? I heard they used to take bets on how many people you'd kick out.

Only when they were disruptive.

Or because you just didn't like them?

If they were disruptive, it's because you're not doing your job properly.

-There will always be some -

-Look, Zirner, if you can't get a dozen people through a simple course

without acting like a demented schoolmaster

I don't want you on my team. End of story.

We could go out next weekend. Have, like, a late birthday?

I don't really want to be around Freya at the moment.

Oh, come on, it's just a quick drink.

Especially not if I'm drinking.

If I'm going to make a fool of myself, I don't want the whole world to know about it.

Oh, well, you should try living with her.

Half the time, I feel like I'm in competition with that stupid blog.

Oh dear, that doesn't sound good.

Oh, look, don't get me wrong.

I mean, Freya is wonderful and I'm really happy.

It's just I don't know if a relationship is what she really wants.

Your blood pressure's fine. The headaches might just be stress.

-Are you feeling particularly stressed?

-Are you kidding? No cash, no work, finals coming up.

-You quit the Icon?

-I had to. Too much course work.

Then this girl last week...

I can't believe all the lies that I told her - that I owned the house,

I had my own business, I was a dotcom millionaire...

-You sleep with her?

-Yeah.

-Result!

Not exactly. She dumped me the next day.

In front of her mate, and told her that I was useless in bed.

-Oh, man.

-The whole thing was a disaster.

Yeah, that can happen sometimes.

The lobster did nothing for her.

-The lobster?

-I thought she'd be impressed.

Well, some women are. Some aren't.

-She wouldn't even put it in her mouth.

-Right.

-In the end, I had to stick something else in the oven.

-OK...

So the lobster wouldn't perform?

No. It was totally overcooked.

-Overcooked?

-Yeah.

I had to get a couple of pizzas out the freezer.

Oh, right, right. You cooked her a lobster. A real lobster.

-What did you think I meant?

-Doesn't matter.

-But when you were in bed, did everything you know, work?

-Yeah - of course.

So, it wasn't a disaster in that way?

No, just in every other way.

I can't get over how easy it was to lie to her.

That's nothing to worry about.

-It just goes to show how good a lawyer you're going to be.

-Ha ha.

-35. You?

-Sorry?

-How fast were you going?

-Oh. 34.

It's ridiculous. It's not like it's dangerous.

Well, not at that speed, no.

No-one pays attention to speed limits. I mean, most people go faster anyway.

Yeah, my partner's one of them.

Four miles over the speed limit, she'd laugh her head off.

She should. It's a joke.

Still. Better than getting the fine and the points on your licence.

As far as I'm concerned, I've done nothing wrong.

And I definitely won't be taking any guff off that snotty nosed pen-pusher.

I don't think this is really your licence.

You can't possibly be this old.

I'm teasing.

Randy old dog.

Thanks love. Take care.

Oh, sorry. I didn't realise that you were here.

Er, yeah, just catching up on some work.

I'm just showing Mand around.

Right.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You look like you've just seen a ghost.

Uh, no. Just a problem with a patient.

Well, this is the other consulting room.

Yeah, it's not much to see.

No.

So...

My name is Otto Zirner and I am a German.

Perhaps I am your first German.

I am not only a German, but ich bin ein Berliner.

And I can say this because I was actually there.

Now, do we all have one of these?

In German, we call this a "handy".

You must turn off your handys.

If I catch anyone playing with their handy under the desk, you will have to leave.

THEY SNIGGER Now the most important question of all - why do we speed?

Because it's fun.

Well, for some people maybe, but that is not a good reason.

Anyone else?

I was late for work.

Ah. That is a very common reason.

But if we are going to be late, what can we do?

Lose our jobs?

We use one of these. Remember? Our handys.

But first we must pull over.

Because it is illegal to use our handys while we are driving.

-It's pretty difficult to drive without using our "handies"!

-LAUGHTER

We phone ahead and explain that we will be late.

People will always be understanding and make allowances.

Excuse me?

How do you explain this, then?

"You will be expected to arrive on time for your speed awareness course.

"Lateness for whatever reason will not be tolerated and you will be refused entrance."

Well, I don't write these letters.

I cannot believe some of these comment on Freya's blog. They are sick people.

What did she expect? It's the internet.

Listen to this. "All bisexuals are skanks. You get what you deserve."

That was posted by someone called Avenging Angel last night.

"Miserable excuse for a woman", "degenerate scum", "attention whore".

Are these all since yesterday?

-There's over 100 comments.

-I knew something like this would happen.

I like this one, though.

"If I wanted to be bored to death, you'd be my first choice."

-That's Zara!

-How do you know?

Because she said something similar to me just before the wedding when I was telling her about the canapes.

-I thought that she'd be interested.

-Why?

-I don't know - moment of madness.

Those comments are not just sick, they're really violent.

At 30 miles an hour,

9% of pedestrians who are hit by cars will be killed.

At 35 miles an hour, the risk doubles.

Shocking, yes?

No, not really.

You are not bothered by this?

Statistics are like mini-skirts. They show you a lot,

but they're basically designed to hide the good bits.

People say that we Germans do not have a sense of humour.

This is not true.

We enjoy a good joke as much as the next person.

-But not on this course.

-Why not?

Because these are my rules.

And maybe, if you give the course a chance, you might learn something.

-I doubt it.

-I'm sorry you feel that way.

But if you do not complete the course

you will have to pay a £60 fine and get three points on your licence.

And it is my decision whether you complete the course or not.

You'd kick me out?

Think of me as a referee.

For a first offence, I give you a warning, a yellow card.

Then I show you a red card

and you are out of the game.

I thought you didn't work here any more.

This is my last pay cheque. After this, it's all tins of baked beans and used tea bags.

-Been there, mate.

-So much for avoiding stress.

I've been thinking about that. I'll buy you lunch.

-No. You're all right.

-What is this? Your dad's Yorkshire pride?

-A drink, then?

-Go on.

-You need to stop worrying about this girl.

-Everyone lies on a first date.

-Not like that they don't.

If we didn't we wouldn't get any. What you need to do is get yourself back in the saddle.

I think I might have burnt my bridges there.

Not with her. There are plenty more where she came from.

-I don't know. I should be concentrating on my course work.

-Obviously.

But the best thing for stress is a bit of uncomplicated, casual, sweaty sex.

Trust me. Anyway, what have you got to lose?

You've got the place to yourself, right? How many bedrooms?

-Five.

-There you go, then.

A nice classy, private place where you can entertain in style.

When I was a student, I'd have cut off my left arm for that.

What do you think you're doing? Red cards, yellow cards?

-Is that supposed to be funny?

-He is disrupting the course.

He's just bored. And so am I. And it's your fault.

-Me?

-The way you keep ploughing off on tangents,

telling pointless stories and stupid jokes...

-I'm trying to make it interesting.

-Well, don't. Stick to the text.

He was looking for a fight when he came in.

-Well, you don't have to give him one. Who do you think you are, the Gestapo?

-No!

Look, just handle it. And without all the heavy-handed threats.

Because, if you can't do that, you're out.

Oh, it was Zara, by the way. That comment on the blog. I text her.

So, she admitted it?

She said the blog made your canapes sound interesting.

Typical.

-Are you all right?

-No, not really.

-I wouldn't pay any attention to Zara if I was you.

-It's not that. It's all the other comments.

I don't know why you bother reading 'em. What happened to your blog-free day, eh?

I've put a lot of personal information on that blog.

And not just your own.

What if they work out where I live?

I really don't want to say "I told you so"...

They couldn't really do that, could they?

If Zara's worked it out then, OK, maybe you're right.

Maybe I should stop it.

-What?

-Shut down the blog.

Em, you can't do that. It's like giving in to terrorism.

So, you were actually there, in the crowd,

when Kennedy said "Ich bin ein Berliner"?

-Yes.

-That's incredible. How was it?

-Terrifying.

-What?

-A crowd like that is very dangerous, swaying this way then the other.

-The people pressing in, not thinking what they are doing.

-Must have been pretty exciting, though.

I thought I was going to be crushed.

At one point, I was carried right off my feet.

For several metres. No safety barriers, no precautions...

Still, you witnessed one of THE iconic moments of the 20th century.

Nothing is worth that kind of risk.

But it did teach me to avoid large crowds.

You certainly picked the right job.

I'm suggesting that health and safety is your kind of thing.

It used to be a good job.

But not since it was outsourced to this new company.

I see.

The pay is awful. The hours are terrible.

It's not what it was.

I'm sorry to hear that.

But my wife is ill and the pension isn't enough,

so, what can I do? HE INHALES

Are you OK?

Excuse me.

-What did the nerd want?

-Nothing.

Can you believe all that stuff about red cards?

You know what, you were out of order.

What, for saying what I think?

You should ease up. The guy's not well.

Blogging is important. It's like citizen journalism.

It's the only way that ordinary people get to be heard.

You know, get to say what they actually think.

Freya, you can't give up just because of a few nutters.

It's people like you that make blogging worthwhile.

You are driving in freezing conditions.

What should you do when you approach a sharp bend?

Turn the heater on!

-Anyone else?

-Slow down?

-Good.

But even at slow speeds you can go into a skid.

What else?

The correct answer is to avoid sudden steering movements

and to drive in as high a gear as possible.

I would never have thought of that.

Then perhaps there is something you can learn after all.

Who knows what this is?

Highway Code.

Good. When did you last read it?

When I took my test.

HE TUTS Not since then? Let's see how good your memory is.

How often should you check your tyres?

I don't know - once or twice a year?

-You should check your tyres once a week.

-Oh, come on!

I do, and I can't tell you how many times it has saved my life.

That's ridiculous.

It is the safe thing to do.

-If you're a nerd!

-HE LAUGHS

If you won't take this class seriously,

I will have to give you a yellow card.

-How am I supposed to take it seriously if you're going to say stupid things?

-It is not stupid...

-This whole course is stupid.

-Right.

You are now on a yellow card.

If you disrupt this class one more time, you will have to leave.

KNOCKING

I was just looking. Honestly.

Can you sign that for me, please?

I was just working out how to shut it down.

You have got a serious problem.

-What is the risk in this situation?

-Fat people coming out the chippie.

Too slow to get out the way!

The hazard is the child playing at the side of the road.

-Too little to get in to the chippie!

-This is not funny.

A child was killed on this site by a car doing 35 miles an hour.

Is that supposed to make me feel bad?

-And if it was your car that killed this child?

-It wasn't.

-How would you explain that to the parents of the dead child?

-He's got a point.

-No, he doesn't.

-I know how I'd feel if it was my child.

-That's cheap emotional blackmail.

-Can we get back to...

-Anyway, you said this whole thing was a waste of time.

-I've changed my mind.

-Brown nose.

-What?

Besides, five minutes after we get out of here, all of us will be speeding again.

-No. In fact, most people...

-And, you know what? No-one cares.

-Because there's nothing wrong with it.

-People get killed.

-That's life.

People like this child.

You're just obsessed with risk.

-Take it easy, would you?

-The only way to take risk out of driving is to stop driving completely.

-That's enough. Please!

-This is just a cynical, money-making scam.

-Stop now!

-Besides, without dangerous driving,

-organ donations would fall off to nothing.

-What?!

-I have warned you once.

-How do you explain that to parents of a child waiting for a kidney transplant?

-That's a ridiculous thing to say.

-Nothing more ridiculous than what he's saying.

-I would like you to go now.

-Are you kicking me out?

-Yes.

Sit down.

I am telling him to leave.

And I'm telling him to stay. I'm sorry about this, everyone. Go on, get out.

He's... He's disrupting...my class.

MUSIC: "Ooh La La" by Goldfrapp

MOBILE RINGS

Hello? Yeah, that's right.

I've got a vacancy between 8 and 10.

Hold on, I've got another call coming through.

Hello. Yeah, that's right. Tomorrow?

Yeah, what time?

OK.

-She's addicted.

-To blogging?

-It happens! I've read about it.

-Where?

-On the internet.

-Oh! So it's a really reliable source, then(!)

Mand, she's addicted. There's no other word for it. She won't be able to quit on her own.

Oh, come on. It's not like she's using crack.

It's serious and she needs our help.

We've had loads of complaints.

Inexperienced trainers, poor supervision, disrupted classes.

Your company's got a really bad reputation.

It's not my company.

So they sent me to investigate. Kind of like an undercover mystery shopper.

Did you have to be so aggressive?

I had to see how far I could push him before he threw me out.

I wanted to kick you out before the break.

Why didn't you?

I was told not to.

By who?

Him.

And who are you?

He's my supervisor.

He told me I'd lose my job if I kicked anyone out.

Freya...

What you're doing, it's dangerous.

And the first thing you have to do is admit you've got a problem.

But I don't.

Well, me and Mandy think that you do.

And we're going to help you quit.

I said I was going to stop.

Well, we don't believe you.

Well, actually, I do.

-What?

-But I don't think you should stop.

I think you should carry on. It's worth the risk.

Hang on a sec. What about all those things those people said?

What if they figure out who we are, where we live?

Yeah, I do think that you should be more careful.

But if she lets these idiots scare her off, then they've won, haven't they?

-You said you couldn't bear the invasion of your privacy.

-And I can't.

Look, Freya, some of the stuff you write on that blog sometimes,

oh, it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

And the way you do it sometimes, it drives me up the wall.

But you have a right

as a woman and as a bisexual to express yourself.

-Thank you.

-I don't believe this.

What, so we should let a bunch of bigots push us around?

-No, but...

-Let them tell us what we can and can't say?

-I'm not...

-All right, then.

You're mad.

You're both mad.

You should still see your doctor as soon as you can, OK?

And cheer up. There's nothing to worry about.

There's no reason that angina should stop you from working.

I don't think I have a job any more. I was on probation.

They can't blame you for what happened today.

He was just looking for a reason to fire me.

-Well, I think it would be a crime if he did.

-Would it?

Yeah. When I walked in here today, I expected to be bored stupid.

Most people do.

But...I learned something. You made me think.

You don't have to say that. The course is finished.

No, I mean it. I've got two kids.

One's a little baby.

And if anything happened to them...

KNOCKING

Right. It's upstairs.

And it's the room straight ahead of you at the end. Thank you.

KNOCKING

Come in. Cheers.

Right, it's upstairs and it's the room on the left. Cheers.

There is some truth in what he's saying. A bit of risk is inevitable, no matter what you do.

-If you're not careful, you can worry yourself to death.

-I am careful, very careful.

I've always been careful.

That's not exactly what I'm saying...

-I never said he couldn't kick anyone out.

-Yes, you did.

-No.

-I said if he was any good, he wouldn't have to.

-Like your other trainers?

The complaints say classes are so undisciplined and chaotic

-you can't hear yourself think.

-I've never seen that.

That doesn't make you much of a supervisor then, does it?

-Are you going to put that in your report?

-Yep.

I knew you'd be trouble.

He thinks I'm too old. Maybe he's right.

Rubbish. Keys.

And it's not just him. It's this new company.

-They don't want people my age.

-They won't get rid of you.

-Why?

-I've sat through a lot of these courses and yours is one of the best.

And I'll make sure they know about it.

You know Cherry thinks you've got BAD.

Bad?

Blog addiction disorder.

Is she serious?

You're not, are you? Addicted?

No. What is she like?

She's just worried about you.

But if you've got it all in perspective...

Yeah, I do.

Then there's nothing to worry about, is there?

BAD. Honestly.

Hey, I tell you what.

Why don't you come upstairs with me

and show me how "bad" you really are, eh?

Tell you what. Why don't you stay here and find out?

THEY GIGGLE

MUSIC: "Ooh La La" by Goldfrapp

You're obviously very keen to teach me about safe sex.

Hey, pack it in. You're going to get me into trouble.

How's the blog?

Yeah, great, thank you.

Your pithy little comments

put me in mind of a suburban Dorothy Parker.

A friend of Dorothy, maybe.

Gabby's memory plays tricks. I'm probably one of the few men on campus whom she hasn't slept with.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd