Only the Truth Doctors

One half of the essay is illegible...

the other half's clearly been plagiarised from study notes.

Not even a degree-level study notes.

More like GCSE.

The paper even smells suspicious,

-like it's been...doused in vodka.

-Gin, more likely.

Anyone would think you didn't have the slightest interest in George Eliot.

Well, he does go on a bit, doesn't he?

Oh, please tell me you're joking.

This isn't good, Gabby.

36%?

But...that's...

I can't award it a pass grade. It'd be unfair to the other students.

-But I was up all night writing that!

-My hands are tied.

Well, er...

..they can be.

Whatever turns you on.

< Are you all right?

< Yeah...

Oh, don't worry, Professor Cropper,

you can rely on my discretion.

Hey!

Gabrielle.

Bit early for you, isn't it?

I've...just caught a worm.

Must dash.

Morning, Doctor Tyler.

-Ooh, cheer up, it might never happen.

-That's what I'm afraid of.

Did you not get Julia's message? You're at campus today.

The campus?! OK, fine. Nothing's going to faze me this week.

It's going to all run like clockwork. I'm going, I'm going!

-Morning.

-Morning!

-What's his problem?

Hey, you never said how your weekend went.

Oh! Actually it was OK.

-Things have finally settled down with Patrick and Sally.

-Oh, good.

Yeah. I think as long as they put Chloe first, it's going to be fine.

-So how's it going with your new place?

-Back on track.

-Cleared up the squatters' mess. Jack's house-sitting for us.

-Really?

Know what you're thinking, but, er, no student mess or wild parties.

He's keeping the place pristine.

-Hm-hm. You've been checking up.

-I'm not stupid!

MUSIC: Theme from "How Clean Is Your House"

There you go.

I don't see you for two weeks, and then twice in one morning. What is it you're after?

Nothing.

Actually, there is something. Erm...

-What are your plans for this evening?

-I'm working late, as usual.

A philosopher's work is never done.

You've forgotten what day it is, haven't you?

No, I haven't forgotten.

-Well, erm, I thought...

-I've got an important meeting with the Dean at six.

Some other time, all right?

Ooh, bless! Bit young for work experience, though?

Hello, little man!

Oh! What was that? Yes, this is where Daddy heals the sick.

-Takes away all their wrinkles.

-(Yeah...)

Ooh, no, not so fast. I've got a meeting, remember, with my mentee?

Kevin and Freya's exam results? This Thursday!

-Ah, right, yes.

-You'd forgotten, hadn't you?

Even on maternity leave I put you to shame.

-No, we're all over it.

-Uh-huh. OK, that's really good. So you'll have plenty of time to amuse him

-with your repertoire of silly faces.

-Yeah, the only thing is, I'm really busy with admin and...

BABY STARTS TO CRY

Oh...

BABY GRIZZLES

Really?! Oh... OK...

You've been tested for HIV as well?

If you say so.

OK, we haven't got your test results back yet but in the meantime...

-Well, you've dropped your, er...

-COMPUTER BLEEPS

Oh, bear with me.

-You been out of med school long?

-Long enough.

Are you a registrar or a locum?

I'm a reg... Doesn't really matter.

I suppose you're not bad-looking...

when the light hits you in a certain way.

Right, there we go, and I can tell you your test results are positive.

It's good news.

Oh, no, when I sa...

When I said positive I meant negative.

No, no, it's not great. You've...

-You've got chlamydia.

-Are you like this with all of your patients?

But the good news is it's easily treatable and I can write you a prescription for some antibiotics.

I would urge you very strongly to, erm...

You want...to urge me?

..to let your sexual partners know so that they can be treated.

Once treated, you should practise safe sex so you don't get it again.

Well, erm...

well...it's all so confusing, Doctor.

I mean...there are so many forms of contraception to choose from

and it's so difficult to know what would work best for me.

Yes, well, erm...

Got some leaflets for that.

You're obviously very keen to teach me about...

-(..safe sex.)

-Hey, pack it in. You're going to get me in trouble.

OK, you take that to the chemist,

four capsules, single dose. All right?

So, erm...

I'll swing by later for that...other result?

Yeah, we'll give you a call once we have it.

He seems very nice. And quite posh, apparently, Cillian!

I don't know what he's doing but he must be doing something right cos our Immie is the happiest

she has been in ages.

-Aw, love's young dream, hey?

-Hmm.

So most nights it's just me and Rob, TV dinners, early to bed.

Ooh... Love's middle-aged dream!

Do you know, I'm starting to miss all the arguing.

Ooh, I could always send Sally and Patrick over? You could umpire.

No, you're all right.

We need to liven things up, you know.

-I think we should do something this week.

-What's this?

I think we're way overdue a girls' night out, don't you?

How you fixed for tomorrow night?

Works for me. Hey, there's a new Moroccan restaurant in town.

Mezzes to die for.

No... I was thinking...something a bit more adventurous than a meal.

We could finally try willow-weaving!

(Elaine!)

I threw myself down a big hill in a BIG ball for you guys

and that's the best you can do?

A moment...before you, erm, address your adoring fans.

I had another idea.

Why don't I stay in tonight?

I thought... I thought we could hold a sort of...vigil.

Listen, and I understand that today is difficult for you, Gabrielle,

but I think we need to move on.

Dwelling on old memories, it's not going to bring her back.

I realise that. I-I just thought...

"To the living we owe respect. To the dead we owe only the truth."

What?!

It's a pertinent quote, that's all. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Well, "only the truth"?

And...what is the truth, Father?

Is it that you still haven't forgiven Mum for cheating on you?

Why let a small thing like death get in the way of your bitterness?

Or maybe the truth is that you loved your job more than you loved her.

-Please, this is not the place...

-Oh, it never is the place, is it?!

-Clearly we need to talk about this.

-Now! Now we need to talk.

Now I've... I've made you blush in front of your students?!

-You're not just embarrassing me, Gabrielle.

-Yeah, but...

I feel like some kind of ghost for all the attention I get from you.

It's as if I died at the same time as Mum.

Well, you are certainly making your presence felt today!

I'm five minutes late!

(Sorry.)

You wouldn't even notice if...I was sleeping with one of your colleagues.

And just as long as it doesn't embarrass you...

you wouldn't even care.

So admin all sorted?

I'll need to look at your patient notes.

What happened to "Hello, how are you?" hmm? How are you, Zara?

Me? I'm fine, I'm marvellous.

And how are you? How's...the blog?

Yeah, it's great, thank you. Still following it?

Occasionally.

With your pithy little comments, put me in mind of...

a suburban Dorothy Parker.

A friend of Dorothy maybe.

Still deciding?

That's a joke, thank you. I'm perfectly happy with Mandy!

How sweet.

Now, enough small talk.

We need to tie up the loose ends. I need to see all of your paperwork.

Quite something, your daughter.

I realise that you're relatively new here, Professor Cropper,

but you should know that sleeping with your students is strictly off limits.

Gabby has a vivid imagination.

Shame it isn't put to more constructive use.

I'm sure the Dean will take a dim view of your bohemian approach.

Gabby's just try trying to punish me for failing her essay

and goad you at the same time.

I'd say she's succeeded on both counts.

Well, if you have nothing to hide,

then there's nothing to worry about out, is there?

No doubt Gabby's memory plays tricks.

I'm probably one of the few men on campus whom she hasn't slept with.

First you accuse my daughter of being a liar -

now you're calling her a whore!

Your word, not mine.

Where's the rest of it?

You are working on there and not...?

You're blogging?!

I'm sorry, I thought you were mid-peruse.

There isn't much to peruse.

I've left some of the paperwork at home.

I'll work on it tonight, don't worry!

What are you blogging about?

Nothing. Just...this.

So, you're blogging about a meeting

that you're not paying the slightest bit of attention to because you're blogging!

It's not about you, just an update.

If you're blogging about this,

then you're blogging about patients...again!

Freya, didn't you learn anything last time?

This is precisely the sort of thing which is going to cost you your job and your career!

All right! All right! All right.

OK, OK, gents, break it up!

Gentlemen, please!

OK, Tyson, let's take a look at that. Come on.

Sit yourself down.

I always change their names.

No-one could possibly recognise themselves from my blog.

That is not the point!

The point is you're betraying your patients' trust.

All for the sake of some pathetic vanity project!

You said I was like Dorothy Parker.

He's had a great time dribbling all over my paperwork

but now I think it's mummy time.

Have you had enough of boring old Daddy?

Come on then, it's time you had some fresh air.

We are not done yet.

"Wanton Desire"?

They were HUGE, once.

One of the biggest things to come out of Telford.

Now you mention it, I think my mum had one of their albums.

Oh, and I quite liked them too.

All right, maybe a little bit before your time

but I'm telling you, that lead singer was... Ohh!

And he used to wear a kaftan!

Oh, boy, I can't BELIEVE they're coming to Letherbridge

and they're going to play all their old hits!

What will they do after the first five minutes?

Listen, I'm going to go and download some onto my MP3?

You'll recognise some, I'm telling you!

It's not broken. You took a bit of a pummelling!

It's not my body I'm worried about, more my job.

That was the Dean in the front row.

Fisticuffs with the Head of Philosophy?

Might as well pick up my P45 now.

What was it, an existential argument?

A bit closer to home than that.

The guy's under the impression that I'm sleeping with his daughter.

Right. So, what, he was defending her honour?

That would be a lost cause.

Gabrielle's what you would call a loose woman.

-Gabrielle...?

-Hillard.

I can introduce you, if you like?

No, you're all right.

Elaine, Karen, here we go, listen!

Here! You have that one. There you go.

Right, now, this is just the intro, OK? You'll recognise the chorus.

Ooh, it's quite psychedelic.

I don't mind it. I like the sitar!

Told you!

This, Joe, is what a mid-life crisis looks like.

Someone told me you and Oliver had a scrap?

I've been suspended!

Oh.

I can't believe you resorted to caveman behaviour because of me.

It's not as if I'm some wide-eyed ingenue,

helplessly exploited by an older man!

No, you're just like your mother.

-Thanks.

-It wasn't a compliment.

I didn't really sleep with him.

It was just a wheeze to wind you up.

-A wheeze?

-Obviously, I didn't know you'd take it this seriously.

Still, maybe it'll do you good

to put the corduroy jacket in mothballs for a while?

Indulge your new hobby!

I doubt you'll see the funny side if I lose my job

and can't afford to pay your exorbitant tuition fees!

Not that you're even likely to get a degree

when all you've done is behave like a slut!

'I've got better news for you this time.'

The test results for the HIV are back and they are negative.

You're OK.

But I would regard the Chlamydia infection as a wake-up call.

Now, if you're having sex with multiple partners and it's unprotected, then you...

Who said that I sleep around?

Erm...

I didn't say that.

No but you disclosed that information in your HIV test.

I can't help it if men just throw themselves at me.

Looks like you throw yourself at them as well.

What?

You mean like this?

Hey, what are you doing!

Get off! No, back off, back off! You'll get me in trouble.

What's wrong with you? Where's your self-respect?

Could you leave, please.

Slapdash doesn't even come into it.

What little work that there is here is full of holes!

All right, I've let things slip over the last couple of weeks

but I've been busy, Mandy, the blog, then there is the quilt-making...

Freya, priorities!

I cannot believe that you've let some boring needlecraft group

get in the way of your career.

Now, are you sure that the rest of the paperwork is at home?

I am positive!

OK, you need to go through it with a fine toothcomb.

Your paperwork needs to be more immaculate than your cross-stitch.

Or you're going to lose your job.

-They're not going to give it to Kevin.

-I wouldn't bet on it.

Please, promise me, Freya, that you will forgo the quilt-making,

and the blogging and EVEN Mandy, just for one night while you perfect your paperw... What?

I just didn't expect to get such a dreary piece of advice.

Not from you.

Do you want to qualify as a GP or not?

OK, OK. I'll work on it tonight. All night if I have to.

'Marching orders?!'

I haven't been suspended since Secondary School.

I should've kept my mouth shut.

Nothing to do with you just did it to rile my dad.

Well, you certainly succeeded there.

I'm sorry.

I told Dad that we didn't have an affair.

So...maybe you'll escape with a slap on the wrist.

Doubt that!

But...

..it was worth it.

When can I see you again?

It's not a good idea.

It was a big mistake.

One of many, for me.

I see.

Well...good luck with George Eliot.

Bye.

Oh, by the way...

..something you ought to know.

I recently found out I've got Chlamydia.

Might want to get yourself checked out.

I'm meals on wheels now.

-Mum's worried that you're wasting away.

-What is it?

-Lasagne.

She's only burnt the top. I might join you, actually, I'm starving.

No, no, no! You can't come in!

-You what?

-I'm expecting company.

You're turning this place into your bachelor pad?

A friend, a female friend but I'd like some privacy.

Yuck.

Right, well, you can wow her with Mum's home cooking.

Fob it off as your own.

Yeah, great. Thanks.

Oh, Im?

Don't tell Mum, will you?

I'm sorry about earlier.

You were out of line.

I'll get you a drink.

No. Thanks.

Pint, please.

Wasn't expecting you this early.

Hello, gorgeous.

Homework?

-Yeah.

-Listen, don't worry about craft group tonight.

I'll go on my own.

Don't you dare. I'm coming too.

-Just got to finish this.

-OK.

You're meant to be working, Freya.

I think we should make a move.

This one is ready for some sleep.

-Everything OK?

-Hm.

How did it go with the bookie's favourite?

What?

Freya. Still think she's a shoo-in?

Course.

I don't think so. A two-horse race, no question.

-Ain't over till Kevin sings.

-What are you wittering on about?

Come on, my little love,

I'm sure you've had quite enough of this horrible place, haven't you?

-Daniel?

-Yes?

Do you think I've changed since having Joe.

Lost my edge?

Course not. You're as rude and abrasive as you ever were.

Good. That's the right answer.

I know about your mum.

I checked your family history this afternoon. I'm sorry.

A year ago today.

One minute she seemed fine,

and the next the aneurysm.

-It can take a long time to...

-She was more than a brilliant mum.

She was my best friend.

What about your dad? He must be grieving too.

Not that you'd know it.

He barely acknowledges her death or her life.

People do grieve in a different ways.

They were on the verge of separation when Mum died.

She'd had affairs and...

he still hasn't forgiven her.

And I can't forgive him.

Sooner or later one of you has got to break.

You expect him to be of some comfort,

and resent the fact that he keeps everything bottled up.

You can either wait for him to break the deadlock,

or it might be easier for you to do it yourself.

They're beautiful.

That's it?

I'm a ghost again, am I?

I'm sorry.

Why do your apologies always sound like accusations?

I'm sorry.

I'm sure you need some time alone.

Dad?

You know, Mum told me about her affairs.

I see.

Well, I'm sure you both had a good laugh at my expense.

It wasn't like that.

She should've been more discreet.

As if her affairs weren't bad enough,

-she had to go and broadcast them.

-You're not listening to me.

Why would you tell me such a thing? Do you not think that

my feelings, my grief, is not complicated enough?

Dad, please.

This is me being nice.

I'm telling you because...

she also told me that

you were the greatest love of her life,

and nothing would ever change that.

I can see that that's a white lie.

It's the truth, Dad. I promise.

Please, Dad.

So how's everything at "Fortress Hollins"?

Not leaving any windows open, are you?

No, Mum, except for short periods of closely monitored ventilation.

Perfect, good lad.

Hey, I've got something special lined up for tomorrow night.

Does "Wanton Desire" mean anything to you?

If this is something to do with you and Dad, then I'm hanging up now.

They're an old band from Julia's flower power days.

Flower power? They'll probably need Zimmer frames by now.

DOORBELL RINGS

Is that a bell I can hear?

'You've not invited any smelly mates round, have you?'

No, I've just ordered pizza.

But what about the lasagne I made?

I just fancied pizza tonight. It'll keep.

'Well, don't let it go to waste.'

Maybe I should pop over, give the place the once-over.

No! Mum, there's absolutely no need. Put your feet up.

I better go.

Hi, your room's upstairs, make yourself at home.

Make sure you do a good job.

I've got a date with a couple of hundred screaming women.

Wanton Desire's rocking this town.

You are rocking that headband, girl.

Twiggy, eat your heart out.

I thought that mini was cosy.

A beautiful sunrise too.

I thought we'd start with good, old "Wild Sex".

Pardon?

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