Sorting Nana Mo Doctors

You didn't tell me we'd be hanging out at the shops.

What are we even doing here? It's so early!

Chill out, will you? I've just got a couple of errands to run.

Errands? Rock 'n' roll.

Then I need to pop in on my Nana Mo and all.

Could this get any better?

I said I'd help with a spot of heavy lifting. Might be a two-man job.

What is this, do a good deed day or something?

-There's a pint in it for you.

-Just the one?

Two, if there's no moaning.

Wait here, I've got something to sort out.

No, no, no. The proper way, please.

PHONE RINGS Mum?

Hey, good news. Elaine can fit us in for family therapy on Friday.

Recipe for disaster, if you ask me.

Well, we're doing it, whether you like it or not.

If we have to sit around talking about our feelings, count me out.

Hey! Come on. You're part of this family, too.

-We're all in this together.

-What, Dad, too?

Yeah. He'll be there and Imogen's up for it.

-So, no excuses.

-Whatever.

Charlie! What's going on?

What happened? You weren't gone that long.

-Just go home, Jack.

-What's he supposed to have done?

What's going on?

Should you not be on your way to school?

Inset day.

Hmm. Really? And you are spending it out here?

Shut myself out. Stupid door.

Then get your father to let you back in!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Can't.

-Why not?

He's out. On a job.

And when will he be back?

In the meantime, you are planning just to sit here?

Well, do you want to come inside and wait? Until he returns?

Better not.

Are you thirsty?

Bit.

Well, I have lemonade. Freshly made. Nice and cold.

It is up to you.

-What the hell's going on?

-Typical police incompetence, that's what.

Arrest the innocent bystander,

so they can tick off their arrest quotas.

-Come on. What happened?

-Nightmare.

-So?

-I've done nothing wrong.

Glad to hear it.

-I was just...

-Hey, Dad.

What are you doing here?

We, erm. Have you met my mate, Charlie? My dad.

-Not in any kind of trouble, are you?

-No! Course not.

-We were just...

-Researching. For college.

Seeing the criminal justice system from all sides.

Start to finish.

Since when did you do college work in the holidays?

-Since we've got a really important year coming up.

-Right, I see.

Well, if you need anything on police procedure, I'm sure I can help.

Think we've seen enough for one day. We have to be somewhere, anyway. Come on, Jack, let's go.

Tembe. Mrs. Me? A concerned citizen.

Is he really not required to attend school today?

I see.

Well, he will be in in the morning. Bright and early.

Told you.

I think we should call him.

Maybe he could pop home, and let you back in?

-Too far.

-I see.

Well, Cameron, until your father comes home,

I will be in loco parentis.

When did you last eat?

-Had some chips.

-For breakfast?!

Last night. Just after Dad left.

Your father left last night?

Cameron, have you been on your own all night?

I can look after myself. I can use a microwave!

I'm sure you can. But a growing boy needs a proper breakfast.

Tell me, do you like boiled eggs with soldiers?

Thank you.

Well, if it isn't Robbie Hollins?

Talbot, what you doing here? Thought you'd be in Coventry.

-Letherbridge is stuck with me for longer than you thought.

-Or hoped. What's on the agenda?

Drug dealing at the shopping precinct.

-Consequence. You, me, a small room and eight hours of surveillance.

-Great, my kind of day(!)

Thought you'd be pleased.

-Chance to put your feet up, have a good old goss.

-This today's?

-Yeah.

Something wrong, Robbie?

No. No, no. Nothing to worry about. And it's Rob.

It cannot be helped. I have a domestic crisis.

I just wish you could have given me a bit more notice.

If I had known about it in advance, there would not be a crisis.

Cameron, the butter and jam are in the fridge.

'Do you think you might be in by lunchtime?'

It is difficult to say.

It could all be resolved in a few minutes.

The toast, it's burning.

Or it could take all day.

No! Not with the knife!

What's going on there? Is everything all right?

Of course. Everything is under control.

Right, well, I suppose I'll see you when I see you, then?

That would be best. Hopefully, Mrs Hollins will manage.

I have frequently had to cover for her, without complaint.

Mmm. I wasn't suggesting you should...

Be rest assured, I will be in, if not this afternoon, then first thing in the morning.

Until then, I'm afraid there is nothing I can do.

'I am needed elsewhere.'

You never told me your dad was a copper.

We try and keep it in the family. He'll be right on to you. Guaranteed.

-So, you going to tell me what I'm covering you for?

-Told you. It's a set up.

They must have had something to go on.

-Dad?

-'Jack. What's going on?'

Nothing. Just hanging out.

-This mate of yours, Charlie...

-Dad...!

I know exactly what's going on.

-I'm glad you do. Cos I don't have a clue.

-Don't lie to me, son.

You promised me you wouldn't get involved in drugs again.

What you talking about?

I'll tell you exactly what I'm talking about.

A shopping precinct this morning. 8.46.

20-year-old lad, by the name of Charlie Milligan, gets taken in and cautioned.

-Nothing to do with me.

-So what were you doing with him? Or are you his legal advisor?

-Just helping him out.

-A word of warning, son.

People will judge you by the company you keep.

-And if you're friends...

-He's a good bloke.

-Just be careful.

-That's all I'm saying.

-Dad, I know what I'm doing.

Mate, what were you thinking?

It was just a bit of blow! I hadn't had any. Personal use only.

-Oh, that's all right then(!)

-Not MY personal use.

So, what, you're dealing?! This just gets better and better.

I just had to get hold of some for someone who needs it.

Can we drop it? Come on, we got a sideboard to shift.

I could help you, if you like.

That would be very kind. Thank you.

Did you enjoy your breakfast?

So, if you had not locked yourself out,

how were you planning to spend your day?

Kill a few pigs. Hopefully pick up a golden egg.

Uh-uh. No. Not today. I have plenty of books.

I will lend you something to read.

Do you like trains?

Dinosaurs?

I know! Space. I am sure I have something about stars.

What is your favourite subject at school?

Quite like science.

Science! What a coincidence.

I too have a passion for science!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Charlie!

-All right, Nana?

I brought my mate, Jack. He's come to give us a hand.

-Nice to meet you, Mrs Milligan.

-Call me Mo. Everyone else does.

Needs shifting into the front room,

to make way for this blasted dunking stool.

She's getting a chairlift fitted.

Not my preferred way to make an entrance, but...needs must.

Don't worry. We'll shift it in a jiffy.

I'm sure you will. Big strong lad like you.

-I'll put the kettle on.

-You didn't tell me she was so...

Where d'you think I get my natural charisma from? Let's try this.

Nah. Let's take some of this out.

-Led Zep? Are you serious?

-Oh, yeah. Remnants of a life well lived.

Her and John Bonham go way back, apparently.

Still, days in mosh pit are over now, what with arthritis and that.

And her trouble finding pain relief.

-Please, don't tell me...

-Nowt quite like it to take the edge off, apparently.

I don't believe this. You give your Nan a birthday card,

let her kiss you at Christmas - you don't score weed for her!

Nana Mo's not like other grannies.

I can see that. But do you realise how risky it is?

Used to grow her own for years. Never done her any harm.

I don't mean for her, I meant for you - you're a law student!

Look, just cos it's the law, Jack, don't make it right.

-Then sign a petition. Go on a march.

-I don't think Nana Mo can wait that long.

Talk to a doctor. Tell your parents.

Look, you keep moving this stuff and I'll go and make a cup of tea, eh?

Is it ready yet?

Not quite. You have to beat it into submission.

-Something wrong?

-No.

-Here, you try.

Put some muscle into it.

Cheers.

Question. Would you let your daughter go to a premiere dressed like that?

Put it away, will you?

That's what someone should have said to her!

Credit to her parents, eh?

Do you have to eat that in here?

Got to keep my strength up. Could be in for the long haul.

Sardine and soy. Packed full of protein. Want a bit?

No, thanks.

Here's Charlie, when he was captain of the under-12s.

-Such a good looking lad, even then.

-Hasn't changed a bit.

And here...are his A-level results. I remember the day.

He came running straight round.

Wanted ME to be the first to know.

A in General Studies, eh?

Oh, yes. Did me proud. Especially after the start he'd had.

Still, got you back on track, didn't I, love?

Taught me everything I know, didn't you?

Oh! Oh. No good. Stupid thing.

It's all right. I'll do it.

Help yourself to a biscuit, love. They're home-made.

-Er, you might want to pass on those.

-Why? What's in them?

He's just kidding. It's just vanilla.

Unfortunately.

Don't suppose you've had any luck with you-know-what?

Shame. I had such a bad night.

-What about your friend here? Couldn't he help?

-Nana!

Well, if you don't ask! You students.

-You're not like you were in my day.

-I dunno about that.

We like a good protest march, don't we, Jack?

-We all got involved last year. Over the fees.

-Pff.

Oh, it's pretty easy to get angry when you stand to lose personally,

but my generation, we didn't just think of ourselves.

We stood up for lots of things that were nothing to do with us.

She always liked a good fight.

Too right. You know, Jack? I was in Paris in '68.

Digging up the cobbles with me bare hands.

And I got dragged kicking and screaming from Greenham Common.

Not that you'd think so to look at me now.

Oh, aye. We knew how to get things done.

-Talking of getting things done...

-Yeah.

I could not believe it when my father first showed me this trick.

I thought it would never work.

Smooth it on your side a bit more.

Make it nice and even.

Did your Dad do lots of cool stuff with you?

Not especially. He was very busy with his job. Like your father.

Does he go away for work a lot?

Sometimes.

Remember the hole in the top.

Now, I think we are nearly there.

Would you like to do the honours?

Slowly, slowly.

Cool! How does it work?

It is basic chemistry.

But also a little bit of magic.

We have to tip it or it's not going to go through.

Quite selfish, aren't we?

We're here, aren't we? Come on, shift it.

What is wrong with you?

You're not thinking about doing something stupid, are you? Charlie, come on.

Helping an old lady. Is that so wrong?

-You're in enough trouble already. Let's move.

-Come on, mate, everyone does a bit of blow.

Not when they want to work in law.

How are you going to get into chambers with a police record?

So I should just sit back and watch her suffer? I can't do that.

Noooo!

It's all right. There's no harm done.

I can't even clear me own tea things!

Help me up, love?

Where are you going?

-To the shopping precinct, of course, to score some hooch.

-I don't think so.

The police are only looking for young lads in hoodies.

Who's going to notice me?

If I get caught, I'll...make a fuss,

or tie myself to one of the railings. Wouldn't be the first time.

You're not going anywhere. Sit down. Will you look after her?

I'm going to have to go and sort this out.

Charlie!

Charlie, stop.

-You don't give up, do you?

-Wonder where I get that from(?)

I know you don't want to let her down but, if you get into trouble, that's exactly what you'll do.

How d'you work that out?

What if you get caught a second time?

You won't just get a caution. You'll get a conviction.

How's that going to make her proud?

-There might be another way.

-How?

I'll go.

There is cheese and ham,

and anything else you want, just ask.

-What is your favourite food?

-Crisps.

Feel free to add some tomatoes, too.

My mum hates tomatoes. Says they're the devil's food.

That is my view of aubergines. But tomatoes, I like.

Your mother, I do not think I have met her yet.

She doesn't live with us. Not any more.

Do you still see her?

Have you got any pickle?

Don't worry, love. I'll pick something up on the way home.

Yeah, all right. See you when I see you. Bye.

Ho-ho-ho! Little lady's got you right where she wants you.

We call it give and take in our house.

What, she gives you grief, then takes all your hard-earned?

You're not a family man, are you, Derek?

-More trouble than they're worth, if you ask me.

-I didn't.

Observation. Family men. Always on the defensive.

What is that? Some kind of law of the jungle,

where you think you might get eaten by your young?

-I saw a documentary not so long ago, about the Serengeti..

-Just shut up for a minute.

Looks like we've got a punter.

Go on, hand over the cash, complete the transaction, there's a good lad.

Get your wallet out.

What was all that about?

Stand down. It's a false alarm. Repeat, it's a false alarm.

What's he playing at?

POLICE RADIO

I think the kid thought better of it.

Since when did kids today ever think about anything other than themselves?

Waste of space, the lot of them.

I don't think you can tar them all with the same brush.

True I suppose. The ones that aren't hanging round on streets corners

are sitting at home, sponging off their parents

or plotting some other way to seriously let them down.

Still, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you, eh?

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Well, you being a family man and all.

-You sure you want to do that?

-Of course.

You are too clever for me.

-Dad?

-It's fine. It is only a few counters.

I will help you pick them up.

I am sure he will be back soon.

You can tell him all about our volcano.

You did enjoy the volcano?

Shouldn't even be here.

Cameron, you locked yourself out. It could happen to anyone.

I was supposed to stay inside.

If it is that important for you to be inside, why did you not say so?

Tell me, do you like climbing?

It is an old trick my uncle showed me,

when his wife went to the Kalahari and took the keys with her.

We used a spade, but this should work just as well.

That is it.

-Now, push!

-Can't.

Of course you can. You have to have the knack. Ah!

And you do. Now for the fun part.

Be careful. All right?

-Are you all right, Cameron?

-Yes, thanks!

-Ha-ha! Sorted.

-You're joking.

You can phone her if you want. Tell her her 'pain relief' is on its way.

How'd you manage that?

I merely suggested to our friendly neighbourhood dealer that he might

consider home deliveries, instead of standing around on street corners.

Then I pointed him to his first customer.

Pretty sure I got the address right. Hope so.

Hang on, so your big idea was to send a dealer to my nan's house?

Kind of like Meals on Wheels. 'Cept it's Deals on Wheels.

Not sure I want her hanging about with people like that.

You need to phone and tell her to put £20 under the mat.

-He'll pop the gear through the letter box. Everyone's happy.

-Sure you haven't done this before?

It's genius, even if I do say so myself.

Think I'll just pop round anyway. Make sure she knows what to do.

Please, just phone her. Stay well out of it.

Have you forgotten something?

Thanks. And for the volcano.

-It was cool.

-You are very welcome.

Miss Tembe?

Yes, Cameron?

Please don't tell my dad. About what happened.

And let him know that you beat me at draughts?

That will remain our secret.

-You do it on purpose, don't you?

-Dunno what you're talking about.

Is it to wind me up or like your sister, are you set on making a fool of me?

Maybe bring this up on Friday?

Don't get smart with me. This is about you, at the precinct.

-Free country, isn't it?

-Talking to a dealer.

Have you been spying on me?

-You want to tell me what you were doing?

-Er...no!

Come on, Jack, You're caught on camera, trying to score.

Unless, of course there's a reasonable explanation.

-Considered that, have you?

-What is it?

-You should be proud, after what I've done.

-What is it exactly that you've done?

I'll tell you what you've done. Hung out with a drug user.

Been caught on camera with a suspected drug dealer.

Great, you can really hold your head up high(!)

If you must know, I was helping a mate.

-How does that work?

-You'll just have to trust me.

I swear, if you're messing with drugs again...

Dad, I haven't done anything wrong.

Well, let's just say that I do believe you.

It was still a hell of a risk for a college project.

You could have been trapped, got caught up in a raid, had something planted on you.

I keep my distance from him. There was no contact made.

-Legally, you can't pin a thing on me.

-Not necessarily.

-Why's that?

You could still be implicated in supplying unlawful drugs.

-How?

-Offences under the Misuse Of Drugs Act, 1971.

That bit that says you're liable for prosecution,

if you do anything whatsoever to assist or facilitate a drug deal taking place.

Oh, have they not taught you that one yet?

Anyway, there's no reason for anyone to suspect anything, is there?

-Is there?

-No. Course not.

Dad!

Oh. It's good to see you.

-Eh, been a good boy?

-Yeah.

-Good.

If we do go ahead with this and it doesn't work, there's no hope.

Have you got a patient with only half a brain?

It's possible, I suppose.

Theme, you've got to have a theme.

-Doctors and nurses?

-Not very imaginative.

A neighbour of mine left his 10-year-old son alone overnight.

It has put me in a predicament that I would rather not be in.

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