Sunday Sunday Doctors

# Sunday morning, rain is falling

# Steal some covers, share some skin

# Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable

# You twist to fit the mould that I am in

# But things just get so crazy Living life gets hard to do

# And I would gladly hit the road Get up and go if I knew

# That someday it would lead me back to you

# That someday it would lead me... #

RECORD SCRATCHES

HE SIGHS

HE GROANS

HE WHISTLES

No. Upstairs and get changed. And get that muck off your face.

-She's not going looking like that.

-I always look like this.

-Now!

SHE HUFFS

What's going on?

-Blame your mother. It slipped her mind.

-You could have reminded yourself...

-Lunch with the Smugs. You can count me out.

-Oi! We are going.

-What? So they can look down their noses at us.

-They're family.

They're MY family. And you are not going to show me up with a public display of bad manners.

We could pull a sickie. I've lost track of the number of times they've cancelled last minute.

Because "pwecious Oscar was poorly."

-Maybe a quiet Sunday is in order. Get back to normal.

-Karen!

I've tried it your way.

This is MY family therapy. We are going.

We are going to be on our best behaviour. And we are going to show the world that the Hollinses

can conduct themselves properly, for one day.

And then maybe, we can... Well, we can, yeah, move on.

So, you'll come back to sessions with Elaine?

Well, let's just see how it goes, shall we?

You heard your father. Get yourselves smartened up and get ready to leave. Pronto!

SHE HUFFS

Why is she wearing a hat?

To go to church, I expect.

-Why don't we go to church any more?

-You hate going to church.

Mum liked it.

-Yeah, well, Mum's not here, is she?

-Yeah, I know, but...

-What's all this?

-Made you a cup of tea.

-You never!

Come on!

OK, you'll do. Right, let's go.

-PHONE RINGS

-Just leave it. We're late enough as it is.

"Come over Sunday, Jack. Cook your favourite.

-"We'll have a nice quiet day."

-Pack that in!

-You know what your Dad's like with cousin, Jeff.

-Competitive?

-Like we can compete with their loadsamoney and perfect life.

-And Perfect Oscar.

It's happening. And you two are going to make your dad proud. You got that?

'I'm sorry, but the person you've called is not available. Please leave your message after the tone.'

MACHINE BEEPS

-Is it right?

-Spot on, mate.

-I warmed the pot.

-Who taught you that?

Was it her? You stay away from that woman.

Why don't you like her?

Her sort don't understand people like us.

She's an interfering busybody. She thinks she's better.

Better at what?

Go and get dressed. Smart, mind.

-Why?

-We're going to church. A proper C of E church.

Oh, sweet!

-DOORBELL

-Best behaviour.

ALL: Hi.

Didn't you get my message?

This is highly awkward. Look, I'm afraid it's Oscar.

-He isn't... He isn't very well.

-You can say that again.

-I see you didn't get the message.

-I knew we should have answered the phone.

-You what?

Looks like I've started a marital.

-That's par for the course.

-Sorry. It's my mistake.

Still, now you're here...

-We can't just send them away.

-There's no lunch. I haven't prepared anything.

-We'll just...

-It's family. No need to impress.

-I'm sure you can rustle up something.

-Fine!

-Why did she get graffitied?

-Don't know.

-Who did it?

-Just pack it in with the questions, will you?

-Lots of people have problems with the likes of her.

-Busybodies?

-Foreigners.

-For you.

-I'm driving.

So, how's work? You made Inspector yet?

-I'm counting, Jeff.

-No, I'm still Sergeant.

-Still?

Wish you'd got out when I did? You should have joined me when you could.

To be honest, I think I'd rather do a job I enjoy and keep my hair, Jeff.

How about you? Still making obscene amounts of money?

Dangerous times, Robo. People need security more than ever.

-Did you find everything you need?

-Yes, thanks.

-I love your bathroom.

-Thank you, Imogen. I wish I could say the same about your hair.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Still, you're much improved without all that make-up.

-Thanks, Nina!

-How's Oscar?

-Oh, he's in the Oxbridge set. 12 A stars at GCSE.

Well, it's highly competitive,

-but his extra-curricular helps, of course.

-Of course.

-His music and fencing achievements...

-Money well spent.

..make him a truly well-rounded candidate.

It's a shame he's poorly.

Jack and Immie were really looking forward to seeing him.

-Gutted.

-It's a real shame.

-Do you want a hand laying the table?

-That's very kind of you, Imogen.

-Oscar?

-You've grown.

-Cool tattoo.

-(Where have you been?)

This'll do.

So there you have it.

One minute, he's an A-star, grade 8 fencing champion

and the next, he's the missing link.

-Jeff.

-Oxbridge? He'll be lucky to get ASBO at this rate.

-They don't want to hear all the gory details...

-I wouldn't mind,

apart for the quarter of a million I spent on his education.

-And for what?

-This isn't about the money.

Easy for you to say when I'm the one out hunter-gathering

and you toiling away in your cave with under-floor heating

and state-of-the-art electric AGA, and...

HE SIGHS

Sounds a bit like your average teenager.

You obviously have very different standards in your house.

-We hadn't even got to the best bit.

-Butter knife, Jeff.

We don't have to air the whole laundry in public.

They're not "public". They're family.

Maybe Rob can help with his expert legal advice.

Em... Maybe I could clear up if you guys want to go and talk.

-Would you like some help?

-Thanks, Jack.

Postprandials in the drawing room it is, then.

ORGAN MUSIC

I found them when I searched his room this morning.

Well, I can get them lab-tested. Off the record, of course.

That won't be necessary. We've decided on a course of action.

She's decided. We're having "an intervention".

It's an affectionate and successful method

of persuading loved ones to accept help.

Or a load of psychobabble. Depending on your view point.

Personally, I favour an affectionate kick up the backside.

What do you think? Wield the stick. Or is it "good to talk"?

Well it can be very effective.

As long as everyone is prepared to co operate.

Then again, the disciplinarian approach can be very effective.

Oi! What are you doing?

Looking for something to eat. I was expecting beef and Yorkshire puddings,

not a couple of pieces of ham and some soggy lettuce.

And what do you know about it?

Obviously not as much as you.

She's been on the internet all morning.

Her diploma's in the post.

A family intervention is done with love and respect

in a non-confrontational, non-judgmental manner.

A first in this house(!)

Just bury your head in the sand.

It has the advantage of drowning out the sound of your voice.

The only difference, Jeff, between you and an ostrich

is an ostrich has more hair.

I think we should be going.

BEEPING

The wanderer returns.

Put a GPS tracker in his phone.

He's headed home via the back lane. ETA ten minutes.

Well, I hope everything works out OK.

Thanks for a lovely lunch. If there's anything you need...

Now you mention it...

Stay. The more the merrier.

He's only doing this to get at me.

It may be an alien concept, but this is not all about you, my darling.

I just can't see how we could help.

Why not? You're a law enforcer.

Karen, you're a health-care professional.

Fancy that. A wife who goes out to work.

Add a dash of peer group pressure from the kids,

now that's what I call a family intervention.

Could this day get any worse.

You two, sitting room, now!

-Are you serious?

-Blame your mother.

-Mum!

-Me!?

-I didn't volunteer our services.

I voted for a quiet day at home.

All set?

There you are, my love. My sight for sore eyes.

Does everyone know what they're doing?

So, now we wait.

FRONT DOOR BANGS

FOOTSTEPS

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

DOOR SLAMS

Five minutes, tops.

I've cut the power to his bedroom. Shouldn't be long.

Yeah, I will. You're driving.

# Dear Lord and Father of mankind

# Forgive our foolish ways

# Reclothe us in our rightful mind

# In purer lives thy service find

# In deeper reverence, praise

# In deeper reverence, praise. #

Any minute now.

FOOTSTEPS

-What have you done to the...

-We'd like a word, son.

BUZZER

Room specific security.

All the rage these's days.

From the Gospel of St Luke.

Jesus replied, "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho,

"and fell into the hands of robbers, who stripped him, beat him,

"and went away, leaving him half dead."

-You all right, Oscar?

-Couldn't be better.

What does your tattoo say?

Life's a bitch, and then you die.

NINA CLEARS THROAT

-We are gathered here today...

-Oh, he's not getting married.

We know why we're gathered. Please just get on with it.

Oscar, your father and I love you very much.

And we have always put your wellbeing before own.

Probably where we went wrong.

So when you repay us with disrespect, and dishonesty,

it makes us feel like it was all in vain.

Your father is an ex-policeman.

You were brought up to have respect for the law, not break it.

He nicked my car,

and wrapped it round a tree.

Ten grand's worth of uninsured damage, and a criminal record.

Our child, a criminal.

We are people of standing in this community, you've made us look like fools.

Shamed us in front of our family and friends.

We don't know who you are any more.

The Samaritan. Impure Jew,

reviled half breed.

As we would say today, a person of mixed race.

Yet the only one prepared to intervene.

To follow God's holy law

to "love thy neighbour as you would yourself."

And what of the second message contained in the parable?

That of making excuses.

Self justification.

Letting oneself off the hook.

Knowing you should intervene, but not taking that step.

Does anyone have something they'd like to say?

Anyone?

This is going well.

Well if you'd been a more hands-on father

this wouldn't have been necessary.

I never got the chance.

Too busy keeping you in the manner which...

And when I did have time, you'd never let me get my hands on your precious son.

You never let me get my hands on you either.

Arctic chill in the bedroom department for years.

OK, OK.

I don't really think that this is getting us anywhere.

As this is about you, son, have you got anything to say?

Confucious say wen gu, er zhi xin.

Stop it, Oscar. You know we have no ideas what that means.

It means, Ma, that my education hasn't been entirely wasted.

Mandarin GCSE. A*.

Have you got anything to add, in English?

Nah.

You sure?

I mean, you have the right to remain silent,

but I'm sure that anything you did say wouldn't be held against you.

And could be used to get it off your chest.

Better out than in.

When you only ever ask how I'm doing and never how I am,

it makes me feel more like your project than your progeny.

-Touche.

-When you spend most of your time in the office and the rest on the golf course,

it makes me feel think you'll go to any lengths to avoid "quality" time with me.

When you parade me as your achievement,

I feel responsible for your self worth instead of my own.

-Which is quite some burden.

-Well done, son.

Done? I haven't even started.

Well, I think we've heard enough for now, thank you, Oscar.

You asked why. The least you could do is listen.

-That's a fair point.

-Thank you m'lud.

When you use my failure to attack each other, it makes me feel...

..like everything rotten in the state of your marriage is my fault.

Our Father,

who art in Heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy Kingdom come,

thy will be done,

on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Did I mention jumpers?

When you make me wear cashmere instead of school regulation,

on "medical grounds", I feel isolated from my peers

and exposed to accusations of Mummy's boy,

which although well founded, are no less hurtful.

I'm finished now.

Do you have anything to say?

You turn this on us when the root of the problem is in my hand!

Let's just stay calm, shall we? Drugs are never the answer, son.

Calm. What do you know about it?

How would you feel if you discovered your son was a drug addict?!

Well I would feel very angry and disappointed.

And sick with worry.

Do you hear that, Mother! Drugs aren't the answer.

Ironic, because I filched them from your stash of happy pills.

The paradox being, they don't seem to make you very happy.

Tramadol, fluoxetine, amphetamines, diazepam.

You're a walking pharmacy.

Shake her and she rattles.

There's no need for you to look so smug

when it's glaringly obvious to everyone you're an alcoholic.

If you want to know why your child is such a crushing disappointment

then maybe some self reflection is in order.

I'm pleased to announce our new PA system arrives this week

so by next Sunday I hope everyone will be able to hear me at the back.

And finally, all are welcome to join us for refreshments

and sandwiches after the service.

-What's for lunch?

-Sandwiches.

I don't begrudge you drugs and alcohol as a form of escapism.

-He's exaggerating.

-Speak for yourself.

Symptom. Not cause.

The question is, from what are you trying to escape?

Or should that be, from whom?

-How many years is it now?

-25.

Is it really that short?

I bought her an eternity ring.

Because it feels like one.

And so it goes on.

Maybe we could benefit from some marriage guidance counselling.

No counselling. Please. This horse is dead.

Stop flogging the wretched beast and end it.

For all our sakes.

It is good to see you here in church.

Reverend Stanhope gives a fine sermon, don't you think?

-How many can I have?

-As many as you like.

Indeed, it has caused me to question my own behaviour this morning.

I failed to greet you in a Christian manner.

And for that I am truly sorry.

Will you say goodbye to Nina for us? We can't seem to find her.

On the phone.

Hunting for a divorce lawyer.

She'll cut off my cojones and feed them to the sharks.

I'm sorry, mate.

You know...

..I've always been jealous of you.

You sure that's not the other way round?

All this.

It's over-rated.

You're still in love with your wife.

You love your job. You're a good dad.

Seeing you with Oscar certainly brought home the shortcomings in that department.

I don't know about that.

Proof's in the pudding.

They're a credit to you.

Excuse me, my friend.

You're no friend of mine.

Hurry up, Cam, we're going in a minute.

And for my favourite goddaughter...

For your A levels.

I don't get the results until next month.

Then I hope you knuckled down and didn't get distracted by owt.

Go on, take it, treat yourself.

Must be all kinds of fripperies the allowance won't stretch to.

Thank you.

Good girl.

Well, better go and have a heart to heart with the lad.

-Good luck.

-Bye bye.

-Bye.

Bye, Jeff.

Well, that was a fun day out.

Shut it, Jack.

-Seat belts.

-50 quid?

You lucky cow. Wish he was my godfather.

-Dad...

-Save it, Immie.

I've had enough of talking for one day.

I thought you were really good in there with Oscar.

Maybe some of that family therapy rubbed off.

Oh, it was very successful. A wrecked marriage.

The mother of all divorce battles and Oscar in the middle.

I just meant...

I know what you meant, Karen.

But if you think today's made anything better...

Oh, just leave it will you.

We're going. Finish it on the way.

I see a young man who's in need of some cake.

We're leaving.

-Surely there is time for one.

-Thanks.

The church runs activities for young people.

Sport, socials, excursions.

-I'll think about it.

-There are some pictures on the noticeboard I can show you.

Get your filthy black hands off my child!

Mrs Tembe. Are you all right?

I am perfectly fine, Reverend.

Thank you for a most excellent sermon today.

Although it is a shame that we are without the new PA system,

as many here, it seems, did not hear it.

Good day to you all.

Richard, I'm very impressed with your effort over the last year.

You look healthy, confident.

And is that a new outfit I see before me?

Oh, yeah.

I've got a date, actually.

Hi, Kevin, it's me. Again. Can you please call me back.

Anything else you want to discuss?

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