Life Without Yum-Yum Doctors


Life Without Yum-Yum

Julia tries to help an actor who has been hiding behind the roles he plays to finally face up to his feelings. Meanwhile, Elaine goes on a date with Harrison.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Come on!

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Please!

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MOBILE RINGS

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Hello?!

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-Hi David, it's Sue.

-'Sue!'

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Yes...

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Um, thanks for getting back to me.

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-'Are you still going to the auditions?'

-Of course!

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Great! What time do you want me to pick you up?

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How about six?

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And I thought afterwards...

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-'I could, um...'

-Yes?

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I could take you back again.

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OK!

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'Bye.'

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Bye.

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What do you think she's wearing?

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-What?

-Under her clothes?

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Oh, go on, Daniel! Give us your expert opinion.

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Er, well...nothing.

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Her skirt and the blouse were painted on this morning. She's a walking work of art.

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I don't know about art. But I know what I like.

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Sorry, how long have I been living in a Carry On film?

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You've got to admit, she's nice... on a superficial level.

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You are superficial on every level. Can I make a cup of tea now?

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Or shall I spill it down my front for a wet T-shirt effect?

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-Well, I could help...

-Don't go there.

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Ohayou!

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-You what?

-A traditional Japanese greeting.

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The sort of thing Nanki-Poo might say to Pooh-Bah.

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The Mikado wasn't written in Japanese.

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I'm going for a depth of characterisation.

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Something authentically Japanese.

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-Well, you already sound like Yoko Ono.

-She's bending over!

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What's that?

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Young Kevin is staring at the new receptionist.

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It must make a change seeing a woman without two staples down her middle.

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Oh, look, she's on tiptoes!

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COMPUTER BEEPS

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Hi, Harrison.

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Of course.

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Works for me.

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Um, I've got an appointment with Doctor Carter.

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And you are?

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Um, David Moss.

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-Is the "um" part of it?

-No!

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Take a seat.

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Hold on!

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Thank you.

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Oh, I'm so sorry!

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Oh! It's all right, thank you.

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Oh, um, Mrs McGuire!

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It's a long time since I've been that!

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It's me, David.

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I used to go out with Sam.

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David! Yes, of course! Oh, my goodness! How lovely to see you.

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It must have been, what? Ten years?

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-Do you know Lauren? Lauren's a friend of Sam's.

-No!

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No.

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So, how's Sam doing these days?

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Well, she's great actually, she's got an interesting boyfriend,

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lovely flat in Greenwich, and a very good job too in advertising.

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Well, I'm still single, I've not got a flat in Greenwich, and I work in a call centre.

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-Who are you here to see?

-Er, Doctor Carter.

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Right. Well, I'll see if I can hurry him along for you. Nice to see you.

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-And you!

-Oh, bye-bye.

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Of course, one of the first people to play Nanki-Poo was the great acting guru, Stanislavski.

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-Really?

-Heston!

-Yes?

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I do not have your QOF information?

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-Um...

-I told you I needed it yesterday!

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You will definitely have it tomorrow.

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No, Heston, today! Five o'clock.

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-And you have a patient.

-Have I?

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Yes! Apart from being a world expert on Gilbert & Sullivan,

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you are also a doctor!

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-Hiya!

-Hello.

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How did it go?

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Sorry, what?

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All A stars?

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Oh, I don't get my results till tomorrow.

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Sorry! Silly me! I shouldn't be piling on the pressure.

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It's all right.

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David Moss, what can I do for you?

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Well, I want some sleeping tablets, cos I'm having difficulty sleeping.

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A good reason to have them.

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I just find, at night, my mind is racing like an express train.

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Where does it go to?

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Long story.

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I'm a member of the Letherbridge Light Operatic Society.

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Oh, I see...

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And they've got a new director, and he's promised to... shake things up a bit.

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I know it's just a hobby, but...

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in some ways, it's what keeps me going.

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-I'm getting in a bit of a state about this.

-You are!

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-Has he asked you to leave?

-No, but...

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I've heard on the grapevine, he wants to get rid of the old guard,

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and he's invited a load of new people to audition.

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Right, I have to declare an interest here.

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He's asked ME to audition.

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-What?... What part?

-Nanki-Poo.

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# Poor wandering one... #

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Oh, dear. I can see where this is going.

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There's no guarantee I'll get it, and there are plenty of other parts.

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Sleeping tablets. Let me have a look at your history.

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Don't want to overdo it, but you need to get a good night's sleep.

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# Poor wandering one

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# If such poor love as mine

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# Can help you find

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# True peace of mind

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# Why, take it, it is thine... #

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AAARRRRGGH!

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I'm so sorry, I thought I'd lost my keys, but they were in my back pocket.

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David, I haven't heard a scream like that since the last time I looked at my credit card bill.

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Surely, there must be more to it.

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-It's to do with Gilbert & Sullivan.

-Well, now it's my turn to scream,

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cos my colleague has been going on about that for DAYS.

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Yes, well, I've just found out we're both up for the same part.

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-It looks like he's going to get it.

-No way.

-Why not?

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I've heard him sing.

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Why is this so important to you?

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-It's all to do with a girl called Sue.

-Mm hm.

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She's in the Operatic Society with me and...

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..she is the most...

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perfect, magical, beautiful human being.

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-I see.

-And I was up for the part of Nanki-Poo.

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And she was going to be my Yum-Yum.

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-Right, so you two usually play the romantic leads together?

-That's right.

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And what about real life?

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-If only...

-Why don't you ask her out, for heaven's sake?

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When you've loved someone so much, and for so long,

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you just can't ask, because...

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..if she said no...

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Phone for you.

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-Really?

-It's Mummy dearest.

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-Hello?

-'Hello, love!'

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-I was just wondering if you would like to go out tomorrow?

-Where to?

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I've been reading about this Italian restaurant.

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It's right on the canal, and the waiters sing opera as they serve you.

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What's this in aid of?

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Well, I was hoping we might have something to celebrate.

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Mum, I don't want a meal. I don't want a brass band or fireworks.

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I just want to be left alone!

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Oh, sorry I spoke!

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Have you been in limbo all this time?

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Yes. Well...

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you get used to it.

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I blame Sam. She's put you off women for life.

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It wasn't just that. There were other issues.

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I see.

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But it was a bit weird when she dumped me.

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She never said why, just didn't return my calls.

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That's Sam all over, she was a bit harsh when she was younger,

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but this, um...

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-Sue.

-Sue.

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You know, you have got to tell her, David.

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Why don't you take her out for coffee?

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Make sure you take her somewhere you can be yourself and not hide behind a character.

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And if she says no?

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Well, honey, you're no worse off than you are now, are you?

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Just talk to this girl. Ask her.

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At least find out where you stand.

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-So that's one mozzarella, and one cappuccino.

-Thank you.

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MOBILE RINGS

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Hi, Mum.

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No, I'm sorry, I can't do tonight, I've got an audition...

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OK. If you insist, I'll stay over.

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But I won't be there till ten.

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Love you lots.

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David!

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-Hi.

-Sorry, did you want something?

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-No. I'll see you at six.

-Yes.

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Was there anything else?

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No. Nothing.

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-I'm off.

-See ya. Oh, best of luck tomorrow!

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Sayonara, Lauren!

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Sayonara, Doctor Carter.

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Break a leg. Not literally, obviously.

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Best not. Though it might add something to the characterisation.

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Do you know how Gilbert came up with the idea for The Mikado?

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-No, I don't, actually.

-He was in his study, when an Oriental sword fell off the wall.

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And he thought, "That's a sign."

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Extraordinary! It just goes to show.

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Sometimes you have to seize destiny with both hands.

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# Defer, defer

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# To the Lord High Executioner

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# Defer, defer

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# To the noble Lord

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# To the noble Lord High Executioner

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# Bow down, bow down

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# To the Lord High Executioner

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# Defer, defer

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# To the noble, noble Lord

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# To the High Executioner... #

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-Lauren, did you send off those QOF reports?

-I did.

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Did Heston give you his?

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-Oh, um...

-Never mind.

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Bye, Julia!

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Oh, I say, you look nice. Are you off?

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Any minute now. When my knight in shining Armani gets here.

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Heston, it's Julia.

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Very sorry that I'm interrupting your very busy theatrical schedule,

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but would you please call me immediately! Thank you!

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MOBILE BEEPS

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'Hi, Elaine, it's me.,

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'I'm running a bit late.

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'Can I possibly meet you at the restaurant?'

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MUSIC: "Three Little Maids From School" by Gilbert & Sullivan

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-Thanks for the lift!

-Mm.

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-Are you all right?

-Why wouldn't I be?

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I don't know. You just seem a bit...

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absent.

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Yeah.

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I'm going to get some coffee.

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Now, don't wear out your vocal cords.

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Hello, David.

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Oh, hi.

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-I'm looking for Doctor Carter. Have you seen him?

-No.

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So how did it go?

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It's over.

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Well, it never actually started.

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-But at least I don't have to worry about it ending.

-How do you mean?

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I left it too late.

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She's found someone.

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So will you! You just have to give it time.

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I don't want anyone else.

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Obsession is not just an aftershave.

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And, of course, the greatest Ko-Ko, in my opinion, was Groucho Marx.

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-There he is.

-Heston!

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Julia! Have you come to give us your Pish-Tush?

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I've come to give your head on a platter to the PCT.

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-What?

-QOF reports, Heston.

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-Due by five o'clock.

-I gave it to Lauren.

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-Really?

-Really.

-Oh.

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She said she wasn't sure.

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I don't know where that girl's head is sometimes.

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-Was that it?

-It was, but I think I might hang around for a bit.

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-Oh, yes?

-Bit worried about someone.

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Good evening, everyone! I'm Howard. Howard Woodham.

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And it gives me huge pleasure to see so many budding Thespians.

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Why don't you all come through to the stage, I'll show you my vision.

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Ah! Hezza! Good to see you, old man.

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-Oh, hello! And, what are you up for?

-I'll be trying for Yum-Yum.

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I thought so. I took one look and I immediately thought, "Yum, yum."

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Argh!

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OK, everyone. Now first of all, I want you to forget about nice tunes,

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charming costumes, pretty scenery.

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There's nothing pretty in a Howard Woodham production.

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I intend to grab Gilbert & Sullivan by the...genitals,

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and squeeze them extremely hard.

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Now, The Mikado's set in a totalitarian regime. So I thought,

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"Where shall we put ours?" Afghanistan, perhaps?

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North Korea?

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But then I thought, "No, let's go retro."

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I'm relocating it to Chicago in the 1920s with the ever-present threat of the Mob.

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Three Little Maids will all be Mafia brides, and Ko-Ko can come on with a Kalashnikov.

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Yes, Hezza?

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Shouldn't it be set in Japan?

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I've never really cared for the casual racism of it. It's all very offensive to the Orientals.

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Then we run the risk of offending the Mafia.

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-I'd rather take my chances with the Japanese.

-Look here!

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I am not interested in bums...

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-MOBILE RINGS

-Hang on.

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-Hello?

-'Is this Howard Woodham?'

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-Yes, this is Howard.

-'Great. Letherbridge Life here.'

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-Oh.

-'Are we still on for the interview?'

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-Marvellous.

-'OK?'

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-Yes, well, I'll see you in about half an hour.

-'Great.'

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OK. Bye.

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Letherbridge Life. They want to do a little piece on me.

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-Where was I?

-"Not interested in bums."

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I'm not interested in bums on seats.

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I want to see eyes on stalks.

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I intend to rip out the dark heart of this play, and fling it in the audience's faces.

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This will be a Mikado they will NEVER forget

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in spite of years of psychotherapy.

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Yes, Hezza?!

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It's all very well bringing out the dark side,

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but isn't the point of Gilbert & Sullivan

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powerful satire, but with the lightest of brush strokes?

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I absolutely agree!

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They're far too light in their brush strokes.

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I intend to tell this story in fluorescent paint,

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in letters 1,000 feet high!

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Look, I'm really sorry, I don't think my friend's coming.

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Could I just pay for my drinks, please?

0:15:470:15:50

Elaine, I'm so sorry. Have you been waiting for long?

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A couple of glasses and a packet of breadsticks.

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I'm sorry. It was work. And life. And work-life balance.

0:15:560:15:58

Just something I couldn't get out of.

0:15:580:16:00

-You had your phone turned off.

-Yes, I was driving.

0:16:000:16:03

I hate being late. Is there anything I can do to make it up?

0:16:030:16:07

We'll see.

0:16:070:16:09

Excuse me.

0:16:100:16:11

This could be the worst disaster since the Titanic.

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Mind you, his next production of HMS Pinafore will be ON the Titanic.

0:16:200:16:24

Mmm.

0:16:240:16:25

What did he mean, "There's nothing pretty in a Howard Woodham production?"

0:16:250:16:29

I don't know. But you'd be in with a chance.

0:16:290:16:31

Why are you still here?

0:16:340:16:35

I'm waiting to have a word with someone.

0:16:350:16:38

-Hey.

-Julia.

0:16:400:16:41

-Are you auditioning?

-Oh, no!

0:16:420:16:44

No, no, no. I'm just here to support my colleague.

0:16:440:16:47

-How are you feeling?

-I don't know.

0:16:470:16:50

It's weird to find I'm still breathing.

0:16:500:16:53

My feet still move, even though there's nowhere I want to go.

0:16:530:16:57

-You are going to audition, though?

-What's the point?

-Moss!

0:16:570:17:01

David Moss?

0:17:010:17:02

So am I forgiven?

0:17:140:17:16

Well, it's hard to be too angry with a mouth full of this.

0:17:160:17:18

-It is good, isn't it?

-Mmm.

-Here, let me have one of those.

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-Mm!

-Mmm. Ah!

0:17:210:17:24

What?

0:17:240:17:25

Was that an "ooh" or a...?

0:17:270:17:29

-More wine?

-Sounds like a plan.

0:17:300:17:33

OK. They have two types of Chianti.

0:17:330:17:37

We could have some more of this one, or...

0:17:370:17:41

how about a bit of the other?

0:17:410:17:43

Sorry, I can't believe I just said that.

0:17:440:17:46

# The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la

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# Breathe promise of merry sunshine

0:17:500:17:53

# As we merrily dance and we sing, tra la

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# We welcome the hope that they bring, tra la

0:17:560:17:58

# Of a summer of roses and wine Of a summer of roses and wine

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# And that's what we mean when we say that a thing

0:18:050:18:08

# Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the spring

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# Tra la la la la... #

0:18:110:18:12

Cut! Cut, cut.

0:18:120:18:13

There's two things that I'm not getting. I'm not getting sex...

0:18:170:18:21

and I'm not getting death.

0:18:210:18:24

Now, Nanki-Poo is a man facing execution.

0:18:240:18:27

This song is the primal scream of a man on the brink of oblivion.

0:18:270:18:33

Can you do that?

0:18:330:18:35

Um...

0:18:350:18:37

I didn't think so.

0:18:370:18:39

Let's try an exercise.

0:18:390:18:42

-Take your shirt off.

-What?!

0:18:420:18:44

Excuse me! It's a bit Neanderthal to assume you have to pay.

0:18:450:18:48

OK. It's your turn next time.

0:18:490:18:51

-Maybe I'll take you up on that.

-So there is going to be a next time?

0:18:510:18:55

MOBILE RINGS

0:18:560:18:57

Sorry.

0:18:570:18:59

I've got to take this.

0:19:000:19:01

Thanks.

0:19:040:19:05

Now, that's good. Now...

0:19:160:19:20

You look so vulnerable. I want you to feel something for me.

0:19:200:19:25

I want you to feel a deep obsidian blackness pouring through your soul.

0:19:250:19:31

Can you do that?

0:19:310:19:32

-I think so.

-Splendid!

-MOBILE RINGS

0:19:320:19:35

Oh, I'd better get that.

0:19:350:19:38

Hello?

0:19:410:19:42

This is Howard.

0:19:420:19:44

Marvellous, you're here.

0:19:440:19:47

No, no, you're at the wrong door.

0:19:470:19:49

Turn left, and carry on... It's a very bad signal.

0:19:490:19:53

-SHOUTING:

-Turn left and carry on walking!

0:19:530:19:57

-CRASH!

-Argh!

0:20:000:20:03

All right. All done?

0:20:040:20:06

Yes. I think we are.

0:20:060:20:09

What's the matter?

0:20:100:20:13

This thing you couldn't get out of.

0:20:130:20:15

It wouldn't be your marriage, would it?

0:20:150:20:18

OK, let me explain.

0:20:220:20:23

No, don't bother.

0:20:230:20:25

You...you couldn't help yourself, you've never done this before

0:20:260:20:30

and your marriage was over anyway.

0:20:300:20:32

It's not like that.

0:20:320:20:33

I don't want to know.

0:20:330:20:36

David?

0:20:380:20:40

Ah, you're back with us. Can you follow my finger?

0:20:400:20:43

Can you untie him?

0:20:450:20:46

What idiot tied his hands together?

0:20:460:20:49

That would be me.

0:20:490:20:50

-It was an acting exercise.

-It was a what?

0:20:500:20:53

I wanted him to experience misery and fear.

0:20:530:20:57

-You wanted him to experience power, which I'm guessing is what you are all about.

-I refute that!

0:20:570:21:02

I wanted him to know what it feels to be a man on the edge of an abyss,

0:21:020:21:07

to have nothing to look forward to but death!

0:21:070:21:11

Do you think I don't know how it feels to lose everything?

0:21:110:21:14

To love someone, and to know you'll never have them because they've found someone else?

0:21:140:21:19

And actually, I might as well be dead,

0:21:190:21:22

because I've lost the one thing that made life worth living.

0:21:220:21:26

David! David?

0:21:340:21:35

-Has he gone?

-Yeah.

-That was a bit intense.

0:21:390:21:43

I've never seen him like that.

0:21:430:21:45

Um...if you don't mind me asking,

0:21:450:21:48

do you have any, you know, feelings for him?

0:21:480:21:52

David? Well, he's funny and sweet and kind.

0:21:520:21:57

But it's a long time since I've been with anyone.

0:21:570:22:01

Um...are you saying that you're single?

0:22:010:22:05

That's right.

0:22:050:22:07

Right. And you two have never...?

0:22:070:22:10

Only on stage.

0:22:100:22:13

Sometimes I've thought... hang on, this is real,

0:22:130:22:18

but you don't cross that line, do you, because...

0:22:180:22:21

what if he's just acting?

0:22:210:22:23

Oh, believe me, he's not acting. He meant every word.

0:22:230:22:25

You need to let him know how you feel.

0:22:250:22:27

Enter!

0:22:390:22:40

Letherbridge Life said they will come back another evening.

0:22:400:22:44

-Oh, Lord!

-At least we didn't end up with Letherbridge Death.

0:22:440:22:48

Honestly, I don't know how today could get any worse.

0:22:480:22:52

-Um...right. I was just wondering, could I do my song now?

-No.

0:22:520:22:56

The pianist has gone home.

0:22:560:22:57

A cappella?

0:22:570:22:59

OK.

0:23:010:23:02

Hit me, Hezza!

0:23:020:23:04

Now, I'm not looking for anything nice.

0:23:090:23:12

I want something raw...

0:23:120:23:13

-HE SINGS

-..something huge.

0:23:130:23:17

I want something to make my eyes water.

0:23:170:23:22

# A wandering minstrel I

0:23:220:23:25

# A thing of shreds and patches

0:23:250:23:28

# Of ballads, songs and snatches

0:23:280:23:31

# And dreamy lullaby! #

0:23:310:23:35

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:23:390:23:41

Hold on!

0:23:410:23:43

Sue.

0:23:480:23:49

Well...thanks for abandoning me(!)

0:23:510:23:54

I'm sorry.

0:23:570:23:58

Things are just a bit difficult.

0:23:590:24:02

I know.

0:24:030:24:04

Is it to do with me?

0:24:060:24:07

Yeah.

0:24:080:24:09

What did you mean about finding someone only they'd found someone else?

0:24:090:24:13

Well, you have. I heard you on the phone at work.

0:24:140:24:18

David!

0:24:200:24:22

I was on the phone to my mum.

0:24:230:24:24

She wants me to stay over to keep an eye on Dad.

0:24:240:24:27

He's got Parkinson's.

0:24:280:24:30

Oh! That's wonderful!

0:24:310:24:33

I mean, not about your dad, obviously.

0:24:330:24:35

I know.

0:24:350:24:37

I get a bit fed up, actually. I'm always having to look after me dad.

0:24:420:24:47

Me mum never asks me sister, who's married, but...

0:24:470:24:51

-because I'm single...

-Yeah.

0:24:510:24:53

I spent ten years looking after my mum.

0:24:530:24:56

Everyone thinks, oh, you can do it -

0:24:560:24:58

you're young, you're single.

0:24:580:25:00

And, before you know it, we'll be middle-aged and single.

0:25:000:25:04

Story of my life!

0:25:040:25:06

Look... do you fancy doing something...?

0:25:070:25:11

Something that doesn't involve singing, or putting on a costume?

0:25:110:25:15

-What do you mean, like, getting a life?

-Mmm.

0:25:150:25:20

Yeah.

0:25:200:25:22

-I'd like that very much.

-Oh. That's great.

0:25:230:25:25

I don't think I've ever been out with you without a script.

0:25:260:25:30

Well...

0:25:300:25:32

..we'll just have to improvise.

0:25:390:25:41

Ooh! How did it go?

0:25:580:26:00

-I didn't get it.

-Oh.

0:26:000:26:02

He said my voice had a visceral quality but too much intensity.

0:26:020:26:05

-Oh, I'm sorry, Heston.

-I did get another part though.

0:26:050:26:08

-Ko-Ko.

-Mmm. That's great! Is there much singing in that?

0:26:080:26:14

Mainly standing around looking pompous.

0:26:140:26:18

Well, that'll be a challenge.

0:26:180:26:20

PHONE RINGS

0:26:220:26:24

'Hi.

0:26:380:26:39

'I wish I'd told you, but you are such a wonderful person, you know,

0:26:390:26:43

'I knew as soon as I did, that it would be the end.

0:26:430:26:47

'And maybe we should end it... but my marriage is over.

0:26:470:26:51

'Look, I know it's wrong. But you have to admit,

0:26:510:26:54

'we really do go well tog...'

0:26:540:26:56

I hate you! Hate you!

0:27:100:27:12

What's happened?

0:27:120:27:13

A massage parlour?

0:27:130:27:16

Finally!

0:27:160:27:18

Just open it.

0:27:210:27:22

Don't worry, your mummy does have an ounce of compassion somewhere!

0:27:220:27:27

He's not seeing prostitutes. Well, actually, he is... One.

0:27:270:27:32

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2011

0:27:490:27:53

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:530:27:57

Julia tries to help an actor who has been hiding behind the roles he plays to finally face up to his feelings. Elaine gets a wake-up call when she goes on a date with Harrison.


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