Who's the Daddy Doctors

No comment.

We done?

If you don't give me anything,

then I can't help you.

Which is a shame because I really want to.

Course you do.

With the amount you were caught with and your record -

-you're probably looking at a custodial.

-I'm not a dealer.

-No, but you run for Kelvin Watts, don't you?

-No comment.

It's him we're interested in, not you.

-You do have a choice in this, you know?

-Not from where I'm sitting.

You think Kelvin Watts will look after you when you're inside?

Do you think he's going to look after you when you come out?

It's your life, not his, Lee.

CD. Everyone calls me CD.

Bet your mum doesn't.

She's dead.

Sorry.

But you know I'm talking sense, don't you?

Did you never want to do something positive with your life?

I can't do time...now.

I just can't.

Where's CD? He ain't done nothing! You can't just lock him in here.

He's the father of this child, you get me?

This thing could be coming any time, so bring him up here or so help me!

My uncle's got that garage on Mortimer Road.

I know it.

He offered me a job.

I'm good, you know. I can fix any motor.

-So, why are you wasting your time?

-You wouldn't understand.

You don't know what it's like.

Try me.

I need serious cash for the baby.

-Good mechanics get paid.

-Not ones with records.

Anyway, Aaliyah - she wants me about to help.

Oh, right. So, your girlfriend is now your career advisor, is that it?

I want to be about for my kid, not working all hours, never seeing him.

The way thing's are going, you'll only see him during prison visits.

I know you feel trapped, but I'm offering you a way out.

Give us an address.

Something that I can put down to show that you've co-operated.

Put this down...

..I ain't no grass.

Hi.

Decaf. Better for the baby.

What about ME?

Er, yeah, I've taken care of that, as well.

Meaning?

-I've booked our first midwife appointment this afternoon.

-What?

Don't worry, Julia's arranged cover, everything's sorted.

After, we can go to the Birth And Parenting Seminar

-followed by a scan.

-But I'm only...

Strictly speaking, yes, I know it's a bit early.

I pulled some strings.

-Daniel, I don't know...

-I couldn't wait.

Don't you want to see our baby

live on screen?

OK. But a seminar...

Treat that a dress rehearsal. I know you know all this stuff already.

It's just a refresher.

Look, you may not feel like it now, but this is our first big step.

It just seems too early to...

I've heard such good things about this midwife.

Once you've met her, and some of the other mums-to-be...

Teenage chavs.

What about the scan?

Don't tell me you're not dying to see

this precious little thing that's growing inside you?

OK, Daniel.

Enough.

Good. We're due there at two.

So, will you both be prompt, please?

If you want a break from that,

I could show you how to do a bit of input on the system.

-OK.

-I'll log you on.

Right. So, these are change of contact addresses

and these are individual records - they just need updating, OK?

-It's a complex database, so if you get anything wrong...

-I'll be careful.

OK, well, just ask if you've got any questions.

And if you manage not to cock that up,

I could show you how to do a bit of admin stat sheets

and some budget stuff.

Remember your bail conditions and think about what I told you.

He don't need to remember anything except not to get caught.

-You must be Aaliyah.

-Wherever you say he was, he wasn't. He was with me.

I don't think so.

-Let's go, CD.

-See you!

Yeah, you will - in court when we do you for wrongful arrest!

'How many times?'

-I never saw them coming.

-You never do. Cost Kelvin, big time.

He'll just make me work it off.

Too right - you've got to call him about a pick up.

I've just been arrested!

-Do you know how many other skanks are queuing up to take your place?

-Maybe they should.

Have you forgotten about this?

Cos I ain't.

Who's going to put food in its mouth? Pay the rent?

Buy decent clothes? We ain't staying at your dad's for ever.

I know.

-Maybe there's options.

-What?

Flipping burgers or cleaning toilets 60 hours a week?

I'm just saying - Kelvin isn't all that.

He's all you got. But just so you know, honey,

if you don't bring home the pound, don't expect me to stick around.

Cash card.

I got shopping to get and I'm starved.

What about our appointment?

Don't even need to go to that stupid thing.

-The social worker said...

-All right, get off my case!

I'm just saying. Do you want me to come with you now, then?

Did you listen to anything I just said? You've got work to do.

I'll call you when I'm done.

Well, when do you fly back?

Oh, well, have you tried Mei Ling in Kowloon?

I'm going as quick as I can with these, but...

-Sorry, hang on.

-It's just a bit repetitive.

-Maybe I could answer the phone for a bit?

-That's my job.

-What? Talking to your mate in Hong Kong?

-Just finish that pile.

Sorry about that.

Yeah. Oh, well, what's the apartment like?

Kelvin Watts - we've got two outstanding warrants, no location.

He uses kids to push his drugs around.

One of them called CD could be our way in.

Well, even if it's just an address.

Yes, boss, I'm fully aware that I'm back in uniform, but...

If anyone asks, I'm on lunch.

-You done already?

-You're joking, aren't you?

That lot's going to take me the rest of today.

Oh, sorry, I just thought you wanted to take on something else?

-Bit of variety.

-I do.

-It's just there's so much of it.

-That's part of the job, I'm afraid.

-You can't be scared of a bit of hard work.

-It's not that!

You know, I was watching the news - it's pretty tough out there.

-What do you mean?

-Tons of desperate,

eager students just dying for a summer job. Any job.

-I'm not moaning.

-Well, you are a bit, aren't you?

-I mean, it's just a bit of typing.

-You're twisting what I'm saying.

-Look, maybe I should just talk to Julia about this.

-Fine.

But you do know, Julia and I are personal friends?

So, I know exactly where she'll stand on this.

A few words from me,

I'll have you out that door so fast you won't have time to cry to Mummy.

-'Where you been?'

-I got cuffed and stuffed.

-That was this morning.

-Yeah, I had business.

Pay Daddy when the work is done, yeah?

I own your time, CD.

-'Now, get to Manny's for the pick up.'

-I don't know.

I'm on bail now, but I mean...

Listen, I'm only going to pretend I didn't hear that once.

ENGINE REVS

Come on! Come on!

Take a pew.

-Zara and...

-Daniel.

Right. I'm Peggy Hardcastle,

-and I'll be your dedicated midwife throughout your pregnancy.

-Really?

This is your pregnancy record.

Fill in your contact information

and make sure you bring it every time you come.

-Thank you.

-First thing's first -

how is Mummy feeling?

BABY CRIES

Rob Hollins.

Will you get Control to check an address for me, please?

Right. Any questions on all of that?

How about you, Daddy?

If you can't keep up with all of this, not to worry.

I have leaflets. They're very simple and straightforward.

So, you say you'll be our midwife throughout this whole pregnancy?

I won't see anyone else?

That's the plan. 100% me.

I like consistency.

Absolutely. That is just how we feel.

I'll be honest with you - we're very short-staffed today,

so I'm quite happy to answer any questions,

but if we could keep it fairly brief.

You mentioned that this hospital offers the Nuchal Translucency Scan.

I know, sorry. It's just medical jargon.

Don't be daunted.

I have got a leaflet somewhere.

Er, it's OK, actually, thank you. I'm a doctor - a GP.

-Oh, I see.

-So, I was wondering if you could explain...

-Well, you're obviously very well-informed regarding the hospital's facilities.

-Oh, he is.

He's researched everything extensively.

Fine. That leads me on to the last topic we should discuss, then.

You'll obviously have given the benefits a lot of consideration,

so I presume you'll be opting for a home birth.

Sorry, why would you presume that?

You avoiding me?

I need to come round later cos you and I need to talk, you get me?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

You're late.

-Sorry. I had...

-Are we going to this thing or what?

Pick up your phone, CD, man. My time is money.

This deal don't wait for you, you lazy...!

You know what?

You're out, yeah? I'll do this one myself.

Don't bother calling back. Ever.

Home birth as an experience is far more natural, more relaxed.

-More of a risk.

-Ah, now, most daddies are resistant.

We're used to that.

But the woman knows best where she wants to be.

I have absolutely no doubts at all right now.

-Speaking purely as a doctor, surely you...

-No offence,

but I have delivered several babies to doctors before

and there is a tendency for them to, er...

Shall we say, want to mollycoddle everyone,

to wrap them all up in hospital cotton wool.

-No. Really?

-They don't like to accept that birth is painful.

You can't hide from it.

It's an organic part of the process.

The medical profession likes to try to gloss over that

with bleeping machinery and hi-tech equipment.

Oh, yes, this obsession with the latest medical advances.

You needn't feel corralled

into an institutionally controlled labour and birth.

Maternity wards aren't factories.

Oh, Daddy obviously feels strongly about this.

He's very passionate about this, aren't you, Daddy?

Stop calling me Daddy.

I'd have to see some persuasive evidence to choose home birth.

How about that just driving to hospital

can disrupt the labour hormones?

But a delay in pain relief could be worse.

Staying at home allows freedom of movement.

Until the pain becomes unmanageable. There's no epidural...

You doctors are so obsessed with intervention!

Inducing babies increases the risk of complications.

-So does lack of professional facilities.

-Ding ding!

-Let's just agree to disagree.

-Post-birth infection rates are higher in hospital.

-At least hospitals give post-birth care.

-Will you both just shut up?!

I'm sure you could slug out the pros and cons of this

right up to my due date, but let's save everybody some time. I'm not having this baby at home!

-What was all that about?

-What?

-You egging on Miss Homebirth in there.

-I liked her.

-She was refreshingly direct.

-Oh, you're kidding me.

Of course I am, you idiot. She was ghastly.

Who was it who said she came highly recommended?

-Yes, OK, I take full responsibility for the disaster so far. But...

-So you should.

..hopefully, once we get into the seminar and meet some of the other parents...

Fresh, fortifying, strong coffee. None of that watery decaf stuff.

Believe me, we are going to need it.

Bingo.

ENGINE REVS

Oh, not again!

Seem like nice people.

Hello, everyone!

Apologies.

My colleague Maureen who normally takes these sessions is unwell,

so I'm standing in.

Oh, goody(!)

Now, I see we've got every stage of pregnant mummy here.

Apologies if you're a few months early

-for a lot of what we'll be covering.

-Sit back down.

Everyone find a space. Lie down.

You organised this.

Let's jump straight in.

Daddies, too!

Right.

Concentrate.

Slow your breathing down.

That's it.

Got you all where I want you.

Perfect.

MUSIC: "Lucifer" by Jay-Z

Hello, mate. It's Rob Hollins.

I need urgent backup.

Yeah.

Behind the shops on Havard Street.

Approach with caution cos I think a deal is about to go down.

And in, two, three, four.

Gently pull in those muscles,

and hold, two, three, four,

and out... You're late!

No. I got four months yet.

I didn't mean...! Never mind. There's a space here.

-Our faces don't fit here, you know? Let's do one.

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Smells rank in here.

-Has someone...?

-Try to tune in to the sound.

Feel it around you.

Sounds like a cat getting run over!

Sit down, please!

You're joking, lady. I do that, I ain't never getting back up.

Don't ask, all right?

Tell him to split it the same way.

I'll call you in a week.

I need a favour.

Guy was in my crew - CD. You know him?

He needs a visit.

Remind him to show a bit of respect, yeah?

-I'll be grateful, you get me?

-Cool.

Stay where you are! Police.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Either you get that or I swear I'm going to chuck it.

Shush, please!

It's Kelvin, isn't it?

Later, yeah?

Can you be a bit quieter, please?

Slow, low breaths. In...

Why are you ducking him? You did the pick-up, right?

-And out...

-This a joke?

-Will you be quiet!

-Did I talk to you, Miss Thing?

Why did you not do it? You scared?

-No.

-You think you can walk out on Kelvin when you like?

-Excuse me!

-It don't work that way. He'll fire you.

I want a proper job. I want to be around for our baby.

-Could you take your private business outside, please?

-This ain't nothing to do with you.

It most certainly is - this is my class!

-And you're ruining it.

-Shut up, you skinny bitch!

Aaliyah, leave it!

-I want you both to leave now.

-I've got every right to be here!

-Not any more, you haven't.

-Let's go.

And you can shut up! At least my child's got a dad, lezzers!

-Out!

-Don't touch me, you skank!

-Aaliyah!

-We're leaving.

-Everyone just back off, all right?

-No, it's not all right.

-Zara.

-Either you leave or I call security.

-I'm shaking(!)

-Would you prefer I call the police?

Every person in this room has just witnessed you assault this woman.

I'll get security.

Why are you here? You ain't even pregnant!

-You have no idea.

-I suggest you leave.

You stupid, nasty, selfish, little girl!

Aaliyah, come on, yeah? Before the security guy comes in.

That's you all over, CD...

frightened little kid.

We're leaving.

-You don't tell ME what to do!

-Aaliyah...

You embarrassed?

You should be.

You know, I don't need this hassle - I'm on bail.

-Oh, what a surprise!

-Come on.

It's my baby, too, yeah?

I've been trying to tell you.

You ain't given me no chance

and not with all this hassle you've been causing Kelvin...

The baby's his?

I don't know...yet.

A child costs a lot of money.

I need to know where I stand.

-Yeah, you and me both.

-It ain't down to me you gone all flaky!

I need a man with a plan.

-And you think that's Kelvin?

-He can look after me.

Yeah, right.

Good luck with that.

What you all looking at? The show's over!

I made one for you.

Look, I'm sorry if I came across as moaning earlier.

It's not that I'm not grateful for the job here, I am.

I just feel like maybe we could share the work out a bit more...

More what?

Fairly.

I feel like I've been left doing all of the boring, simple stuff.

You know what they say - everyone reaches their level.

-What if she'd taken a swing at you?

-Don't be so melodramatic.

-I'm concerned about our child.

-Stop wittering on, you sound so pompous!

This has clearly been a mistake. Let's get out of here.

-You're joking! I'm not leaving.

-What?

Not after I've sat through that horror show. I'm not missing the scan!

Why don't we just go private? I'd sooner pay...

Let's stay for the last bit. Maybe there's something I can salvage.

Right, everyone.

Sorry about that little incident.

Let's rise above it and press on.

OK.

The last topic I'd like to focus on before we wind up

is the importance of the woman being fully supported during labour.

Boys AND girls,

you're not the star of the show,

but you do have a significant, if minor, role.

So, starting from the baseline -

that childbirth is a level of pain

the male experience cannot comprehend...

HE SNIGGERS

Tell me about the worst pain that you've endured.

Any of you.

Come on, daddies. Hit your thumb with a hammer?

Banged your head on a low doorway?

Trust me, it was not real pain.

-Why do you make the whole birth experience sound so medieval?

-Daniel!

There are all sorts of sophisticated, effective forms of pain relief on the market...

That is not the point I'm making.

..from gas and air to a full epidural.

It needn't be this long, drawn-out, torturous, excruciating...

Maybe if you spent nine months carrying another human being around,

then had the agony of giving birth, you'd be better qualified to speak.

-I'm better qualified than you already.

-Daniel!

-But she's...

-I mean it!

-But she...

Oh, dear.

Perhaps I need to call security again?

You can do what you like. We're leaving.

We have a scan to get to.

Right, we'll wrap it up there.

Thank you all for attending.

Our next session is Early Parenting, Early Mistakes.

See you soon!

Well, hello again.

Thought you'd drop in on the way to your solicitors?

It's OK, mate. I've got it.

Where's CD?

I don't know.

Well, I'm afraid I have to arrest you for assault and breach of the peace.

I can't see anything.

Ah, found you!

-Tut, tut, Daddy. Bit careless.

-Thank you.

-You'll get a better look posterior on. Why don't you...?

-We're fine!

-I was merely suggesting...

-Out!

Thank you.

Would you mind if I...?

ENGINE REVS

For crying out loud!

It sounds like a loose connection to the starter motor.

Pop the hood. I'll take a look.

Aaliyah's being cautioned. She'll not be too long.

She must be something pretty special.

Her mum died when she was ten.

Dad beat her. Put her in care.

That make her special?

She ain't got no-one else.

Right, try it again.

ENGINE STARTS

That's fantastic. Thanks a lot. You really should phone your uncle.

Already have.

Start in the morning.

Good lad.

You know, CD...

..this morning, you made the right decision.

Everyone's better off with Kelvin inside.

Right.

I'm sorry.

Feels like it's yours, you know?

If it is, I'm going to be here for it.

But that's as far as it goes.

I can't do us no more.

I don't think it's good for me

and I don't think it's good for you, either.

But on my life, if that is my baby...

..I'm going to be the best father I can.

If you think for one second I'm going to have

that cantankerous old dragon as my midwife...

-If for one second I'd let you.

-Today has been so appalling!

So far.

But look, there.

There is our baby.

Can you do me a really big favour?

-Anything you want.

-Can you just try and keep him out my way?

I proposed to Sylvie and she said yes. Meeting her parents later.

That is the last time I let you go away without me.

I've never seen her like this before. She's so angry.

They could both be women for all I care.

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