Nobody's Perfect Doctors

ALARM BEEPS

Morning, gorgeous.

Make me a coffee first.

You didn't say that last night.

Pretty please.

How can I resist?

You know you can't.

RETCHING

Breakfast and a jog! You know you want to!

Jamie?

-Hi, Dad.

-You're on the ball today. Come on.

-I thought we were having breakfast in bed.

-Whatever gave you that idea?

-I don't do breakfast. Anyway, you've got to take me home first.

-Why?

-I can't go to work like this.

-I don't know, might spice things up.

Kevin.

Fine, I'll get ready.

Quickie?

No.

Come on, get stuck in.

Mount Kilimanjaro, here I come!

Amazing or what?

-Eh?

-You say that every day.

Whoa! Boring? Moi?

-Anyway, Alton Towers, here

-I

-come.

-Auntie Pauline's going to spoil you rotten.

-Brilliant.

-She's got strict instructions, mind.

-PHONE RINGS

Dominic, hi!

Yeah, the medical form. It's all in hand, mate.

Just a formality, yeah?

I understand that. I'll fax it over later today. No problem.

-What's wrong?

-Nothing. Just last-minute red tape.

I hope you're going to finish that!

-Kids in the third world...

-Are starving. Yeah, I know.

All right.

Urgh!

I could set my watch by you two!

Hi, Karen.

Told you you'd be too hot in that top! He's self-conscious.

-This time next week you'll be in Africa!

-Yeah.

I'm glad I caught you. The organisers want me to do a health check before I go.

Bit last minute, isn't it?

That's what I said. I don't suppose there's any chance?

-Oh, go on, since it's you! I'm at the Campus.

-You're a mate! See ya later.

-Bye!

-Keep pace, Jamie!

I'm sorry, I don't know.

I'm not the receptionist. I can get her to call you back.

Hello? Charming!

Take a tip from a professional. Never say you don't know - it sounds unprofessional.

-At least I show up on time!

-Blame Kevin.

He takes longer than me to get ready.

Just as well he has other talents.

Kevin, a word. We should meet to discuss your progress.

-My progress, yeah.

-Shall we say my room, 11 o'clock?

Yeah. If you can wait that long.

-Hello.

-Oh, hello.

-Any plans?

-Oh, you know, shopping, hoovering...

I recommend a stroll around the Barber Institute, followed by afternoon tea at Tabby's Nook.

Some of us don't have a little woman coming in to clean!

Mrs Hartley.

Whoa, where's the fire?!

The computer system went down in the Arts Faculty office. I've been there nearly two hours!

-Thought I was going to miss you.

-Get your breath back.

-It's OK, I'm fine.

-Neil, I've got 20 sponsors for your trip.

-Fantastic!

-I'll get you the form in a minute.

-Thanks for that, Julia.

-Come on, let's go through.

She did what?

I kid you not. I'm telling you, there is absolutely nothing that girl won't do.

Talk about broad-minded!

You've just turned green, mate.

-What?

-Jealous?

-We're supposed to be discussing your portfolio.

You were dying for me to dish the dirt. That's why you set up the meeting.

Frankly, you sound like a schoolboy who's had his first conquest.

I've been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

I bet you haven't!

Which part of not interested don't you understand?

-OK.

-Right, I've got a patient coming, Mrs McKenna.

She's suffering from polyarteritis.

Does polyarteritis mean anything to you?

Sorry, I didn't realise that was a question.

-It's a connective tissue disease.

-Sure. I knew that.

I'd like you to sit in on that consult, but in the meantime,

pull her notes and check up on her history.

She's taking steroids, but there are newer alternative treatments available such as TNF modifiers.

-If she's responding to the steroids, it might be best to leave alone.

-'PLAYFUL LAUGHTER'

If she's experiencing side effects, perhaps we need to re-think...

Your BMI is too low.

Better than too high, right?

There is such a thing as being underweight, you know.

I've got a very fast metabolism.

I could do with some of that. Do you want to take a seat and roll your sleeve up, please?

Bet you can't wait for next week!

Karen, this trip is the absolute pinnacle of my life.

Proof I've been able to bounce back.

There were times I thought I wouldn't hack it after Shirley.

-You're a brilliant dad. That's proof enough.

-I don't want to get bound up in my own stuff.

This gives me a chance to help people in the Third World.

How does Jamie feel about you going?

He's just can't wait to get spoilt by our Pauline.

Has he got a girlfriend yet?

Well, he does spend a lot of time in his room.

Angst-ridden texts, probably. Or, worse still, poems!

-I just hope I can handle all that.

-Yeah.

-That's high.

-You're kidding me.

You were a bit worked up when you came in.

I get a clean bill of health, though?

It's a standard letter, already printed out. It just needs a signature.

What can I do for you, Dr Tyler?

-I want to have you on this desk, right now.

-In front of the patients?

-Why not? You're not shy, are you?

-Gross! Don't you think that's a bit inappropriate?

Don't you think you should be doing some filing? Anything else, Doctor?

-Wondered about later?

-Later?

-What do you fancy doing tonight?

Who said anything about tonight? Mrs McKenna, you can go through now.

But I thought...

Don't get me wrong, you're very sweet.

-Just a little wet behind the ears.

-PHONE RINGS

Good morning, Mill Health Centre. Hi, Mr Shepherd.

-Kevin, do you want to...

-No!

-Kevin. Mrs McKenna. Now.

Yeah, OK, sorry.

Other people's love lives. Way too complicated.

-There you go, Brad, you're booked in.

-Thank you.

Is Dr Carter free to see Neil?

-No, he's gone out on an urgent visit.

-I don't need to see a doctor.

I've got to send it through this afternoon.

-Sorry, I can't sign it.

-Aw, come on! Do I look unfit to you?

I'm really sorry. The best we can do is get you in to see Dr Carter the minute he comes back.

-I'm sure it's going to be fine.

-You've got lots of time. I'll give you a call.

It's best to be sure.

Don't have much choice, do I?

KNOCKING Come in.

-I put my foot in it, didn't I?

-When?

-Before.

I... I meant Kevin, not...

-I just want to make sure you're not upset with me.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

That's a relief.

Look, Jimmi... I just want you to know that I'm here for you...

Er, I really need to get on.

Sure.

Home visits take a chunk out of your day.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

-How are you?

-It's a wonder I'm here in one piece!

-Oh?

-A guy stepped right out in front of my car.

Totally in his own world! I only just missed him!

-You're all right to do this?

-Oh, yes, fine! All's well that ends well.

Good... So, apart from that, how has your week been?

It's er...it's where to start, really. Oh, may I?

Please.

-You're not having it!

-Get some real food...

Hey! Pack it in!

-Go on, clear off!

-Weirdo!

-Weirdo!

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, just...messing about.

Aww, it didn't look like it. Is that your lunch?

Yeah.

Do you want me to take you back to school?

No... Not really.

-Well, come back to mine for your lunch.

-To your house?

Come on, it's all right. Pick your stuff up - I'll give your dad a ring, it'll be fine.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Thanks for seeing me, Doctor. Only I've got to get this letter faxed off to the charity...

Can we rewind a bit and talk about your results?

-If we must.

-I'm a bit concerned by your blood pressure.

-There's nothing wrong with me.

Let's hope so. I think we should organise some tests.

-Why do I need tests?

-To see if there are any underlying medical causes. And an ECG wouldn't go amiss.

-This is ridiculous. I'm A1 fit.

-Really?

Yes - I train every day, I have a healthy diet. I don't drink, I don't smoke. I don't do drugs...

You have high blood pressure and are seriously underweight.

I don't think you're entitled to lecture me about weight.

I'm not the one proposing the trek up Mount Kilimanjaro.

People are dying of hunger while we're splitting hairs.

Look, I admire your philanthropic zeal...

If you don't sign the letter, I can't go.

Your health has to be my priority...

Ridiculous!

MOBILE RINGS

'Hi, Neil. I've brought Jamie back to mine for lunch. There was a fight, but he's fine...'

Whoa, Neil, hang on! Form.

I found out Harrison was married, so I finished with him.

He begged me to go back with him.

He said his marriage was as good as over.

And this wasn't the case?

I was in the middle of a family therapy session when she burst in.

Fiona, his wife.

She was heavily pregnant.

-She confronted you - there and then?

-They've split up.

Any normal man would be devastated. Not him!

He sent me a bouquet -

like there was... something to celebrate!

I mean...what kind of person does he think I am?

Everyone's avoiding me at work.

Julia's giving me the cold shoulder.

Because she disapproves of the affair?

She's disappointed in me.

She feels for Fiona. She's been there.

You don't think she'll come round?

Why should she bother?

Maybe I'm just not worth it.

I'm not supposed to eat this stuff.

-What do you normally have?

-You saw.

Brown rice and veg.

Every meal.

Is that why some of the kids pick on you?

Yeah, but that's only cos they pig out on rubbish.

What's the matter, Jamie?

Erm...I've had enough chips.

That's OK. Do you want some afters - ice cream or...

No, I never eat sweet things.

Are you sure?

Can I use your bathroom, please?

Yeah, course, it's just here. I'll turn the light on for you...

-There you go.

-Thanks.

RETCHING

BANGING AT DOOR Coming...

-Hi, Neil.

-What have you given him to eat?

-Chips!

-Do you not want to know what's happened?

-Have you any idea what this muck could do to his system?

-He was starving!

I hate the way well-padded middle-class people use that word!

Starving is nothing to eat or drink! Starving is lying down to die!

-Neil, will you calm down? Jamie...

-Jamie!

Neil...

-Are you all right?

-I'm all right...

No, you're not. Come on, sit down.

BREATHES HEAVILY

You say Fiona confronted you at work.

Do you feel this taints you professionally as well as personally?

It's no more than I deserve.

What - so, the affair cancels out all the positive things you've done?

Everybody else thinks it does.

-What do

-you

-think?

Maybe I'm fooling myself.

In what way?

Maybe I'm not this caring, sharing, spiritual woman I like to think I am, maybe...

maybe I'm a serial mistress, out for what I can get.

Would you be here if you didn't care?

Well, these could be crocodile tears.

So you could be fooling me, too?

No!

Ignore me! Just add stupidity to the rest of my many faults.

Elaine...

..you made a mistake.

-A mistake(!)

-Yes.

And the consequences of that mistake are devastating, but...

punishing yourself may not be the best way to deal with them.

I'm supposed to be intuitive - how could I have a relationship with such a louse?

Why couldn't I see him for what he was?

If I had, none of this would have happened.

Where relationships are concerned...nobody's perfect.

If I were you, I wouldn't have any more to do with me.

Elaine...

Please.

He's at home. I'd better get back.

Do you get breathless often?

-Now and again.

-Is that why you've been putting off the health test?

It's nothing.

Don't bite my head off, but I think you need to go back and see Dr Carter.

What does an obese man know about fitness? Talk about hypocritical.

OK... Let's talk about food.

Yeah - listen, I shouldn't have shouted like that

but have you seen the so-called nutrition content in some frozen food?

Brown rice and veg for every meal?!

Well, I was never much of a cook. It's easy and healthy, yeah?

Jamie is a growing boy. He needs a proper balanced diet.

And that's what he gets.

He gobbled that food like he hadn't had a meal in a week.

And then he just suddenly stopped, and looked guilty.

Well, he knows he shouldn't eat chips.

-Neil...!

-A high percentage of young people in this country are obese. I do not want that for my son.

-He went straight to the toilet and was sick.

-No wonder.

I saw him eating a Malteser off the pavement!

-Are you mad?

-SHE SIGHS

-Neil, I think he's suffering from bulimia.

-I'm sick of listening to rubbish!

-What with you and Mr Pickwick down at the surgery!

-Neil...

I've got a trip to organise!

No, you haven't. Because you're not going to Kilimanjaro, not next week you're not.

Because you know that letter's not going to get signed.

More importantly, Jamie is in trouble and he needs his dad.

(Oh, God, what have I done?)

I've absolutely no idea how to handle this.

I just don't know what to say... to my own son.

I'll come back with you, OK?

I'm sorry I ate the chips. I know they're bad for me.

-You're not angry, are you, Dad?

-Neil...?

Kilimanjaro is the highest mountain in Africa, has three volcanic cones...

-Dad...!

-Kibo, Mawenzi and Shira...

-Neil, can you hear me?

-Kibo, Mawenzi, Shira...

-Stop it!

Will you go to your room, love?

Mawenzi and Shira are extinct, but Kibo could erupt again.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know, but he won't want you to see him like this.

Look, I'll promise I will get help...

Marangu is the easiest route to the top,

although the ascent to the crater rim is more challenging...

Heston, you need to come out to Neil Rufford's. It's an emergency...

HE SOBS

-So, buddy boy, what are you thinking?

-It's hopeless.

-In what way?

-I've absolutely no idea where I stand with her.

OK, so you've not given a moment's thought to the TNF modifiers?

-Eh?

-Mrs McKenna.

-Ah, yeah...

-So?

-Any ideas?

-Actually...no, not yet.

-You're sailing really close to the wind here.

-I'm doing my best.

Your mind isn't on...

You were saying?

All right, jot down some notes tonight, and I'll overlook it this once. We'll talk in the morning.

-That's cool. Thanks, Daniel.

-Don't mess up.

So...haven't you got anything better to do later?

-I don't think so.

-You sure about that?

Right, I've sedated him. He's much calmer, more lucid now.

He's agreed to be admitted, so we don't need to section him.

Heston, was it me? Did I say the wrong things...

I was the one who didn't give him a clean bill of health.

We can blame ourselves till we're blue in the face - the thing is, he's been ill for some time.

What about Jamie?

Well, he's got to be treated for his eating disorder - we need to talk to him

with a responsible adult in attendance. Obviously, that can't be Neil.

But Neil tells me there's a sister who can look after him...

I want to stay here!

Well, your dad needs to go to hospital.

-No, I can look after him!

-You can't, love. I'm so sorry.

This is your fault for giving me chips!

He needs to rest.

But I've got to see him!

Heston...?

-KNOCKING

-Thanks, sis. Really, we don't know what we'd do...

I'm going to have to go, Jamie's here. See you later.

Dad, it's OK. You haven't got to go to hospital now.

Yeah, I think I do, mate. You can come and visit me, yeah?

I want you to stay here.

When I was about your age,

Nan and Grandad were splitting up, and...

I developed some really strange habits around food.

Hiding it, and stuff.

I'm so sorry, Jamie.

I never got treatment, because...no-one believed that

boys did that kind of thing.

Thing is, I thought I'd made myself well. I thought I was doing right by you...

I know. It's all right.

No, it isn't. Not yet.

When are you coming back?

I don't know.

But I will. I promise you. OK?

Listen. you've got to try really hard, and let people help you.

And that way, you won't end up...like this. OK?

The ambulance is here.

So - go and get spoilt by Auntie Pauline, yeah?

But...I'll get fat, won't I?

No. Course you won't.

-Perhaps Mrs Hollins'll help you pack some stuff.

-Yeah. Come on, Jamie.

Thanks, Karen. You're a good mate.

HE SOBS

I think... you set impossibly high standards for yourself.

All this is as much a shock for you as it is for anyone else.

Would you agree with that?

Shall I tell you what really happened on the way here?

If you'd like to.

I zoned out at the wheel.

I heard a man shout -

well, it was more of a frightened squeal, actually.

And the next thing, he was at the windscreen.

-Another second and I could have...

-Could have?

I could have killed him.

But that's not what happened.

Every time I close my eyes I see her face.

Whose face?

Fiona. Full of hatred.

How does that make you feel?

Powerless.

Why powerless?

There's nothing I can do to change what I've done. I'm scared.

I'm scared I'm going to see that face for the rest of my life.

Because you think Fiona will never forgive you?

Because I can't forgive myself!

For what?

Elaine...

..what's the worst thing for you?

Elaine...

..what is the worst thing?

'A child could grow up without a father because of me...'

..and I don't think I can live with myself.

It was on the news - the Scraper.

They think he's killed another woman.

We're an ordinary family.

Things like this don't happen to people like us.

Our forensics expert's working his magic even as we speak,

and he's good. He's very good.

But I never hurt her!

One, two, three, four.

-How did her blood get on your jacket?

-Well, it weren't how YOU think...

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