Murder Sleep Doctors

I know I had a copy of the play here somewhere.

Under there.

Careful!

Ta.

I don't know why I put myself up for this.

I mean, half the kids don't understand a word and the rest would rather be playing video games.

Coffee?

You do know that's your third cup?

Aw, there she is.

What was it, two o'clock?

Then three. Half four...

Ah, good morning, sweetheart.

How's my little angel?

I'll get going.

What, already?

Beat the traffic.

Bye.

Bye, Daddy!

BABY SQUALLS

Don't tell me. The four things you need in a blokes' magazine.

Gags, rags, Jags and...

Actually, it's the BMJ.

Now, that's what I like in a guy.

Brains as well as brawn.

That sounds like a great idea.

Well, we haven't had a good old gossip for ages.

Or death by chocolate pudding.

Ah, now you're talking. Could always share one?

Are you mad? We've got a lot to catch up on.

Uff! I don't know where to start with that.

-Two o'clock at the Icon?

-Yes.

Methought I heard a voice cry, "Sleep no more, Macbeth doth murder sleep,

"the innocent sleep, sleep that knits up the ravelled sleeve of care. The death of..."

Sir? What's "ravelled" mean?

Ragged. Frayed.

So try and pick up on the rhythm here.

-"The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath..."

-Sir.

Is it like "unravelled"?

Trent, this isn't your scene.

-"Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course..."

-What?

-"Chief nourisher in life's feast..."

-Ow!

-Stop that now!

You're dead!

Trent, I'm warning you.

-Did you hear what I just said?

-It's her.

-No, it's you.

You're a pain in the neck. Now get out of my sight!

No, that's no trouble at all, Mrs Abel. Thanks for letting us know.

OK, bye.

Cancellation, I'm afraid. 12.15pm.

-Well, that's a bit short notice isn't it?

-I know, bless her.

-Actually, I could do with having an appointment myself, if that's OK.

-How do you mean?

Think it's RSI. Should rest it, really, but I've been too busy.

-OK, book yourself in.

-With you?

No, best not.

Aw, why? You've got a slot free. And it's really killing me.

I don't think it's appropriate.

It's my only arm for goodness' sake! I'm not staff, I'm a temp, it's not a problem.

Please? Otherwise, I might have to go home.

Thanks, Daniel.

-Hi, can I help?

-Martin Eaves, to see Dr Wilson.

So, how old is Rosie now?

-STIFLES YAWN

-Six months. Sorry.

You know, I really can't remember what a night's sleep feels like.

Is it that bad?

What, with 600 kids running round you all day when you can barely even see straight?

And I've got this starting in a week. If we're lucky, the way it's going.

Hmm? Isn't Macbeth meant to be a bit...

This isn't ghosts. It's just me not being able to function.

I can't keep my eyes open, let alone keep control of a class.

So what is it you want me to do?

Well, I was thinking about maybe getting some sleeping pills?

I could maybe kip downstairs. Just for the next couple of weeks.

-That's possible.

-Honestly, you'd be saving my life.

She just never stops crying for more than ten minutes.

I'm not talking just a little whimper. It's full on.

All night, every night.

So do you think something's wrong with her?

Well, Lisa says it's all normal, I should just get on with it.

But to be fair, she's not the one going to work at the moment.

I'm sure it's tough for her too.

Well, if it is, she won't admit it. And every time I open my mouth, it's just me being selfish.

-Perhaps you should get her to bring Rosie in.

-How many times do you think I've tried?

So where does it hurt?

-Here. And here.

-All the way down?

-All the way.

-Move your fingers for me.

OK, could be tenosynovitis.

Sorry.

Oh, I don't mind a bit of pain in the right places,

as I'm sure Kevin's told you.

And why would he do that?

Oh, come on, I know how you boys like to compare notes.

But then that wouldn't be very professional, would it?

It's funny. I didn't think you'd be so uptight.

I'll prescribe you some anti-inflammatories.

So he really didn't say anything at all?

About what?

No, I think he did.

And don't pretend you're not interested,

because we both know you are.

One, three times a day.

-Well, you'll just have to find out for yourself, won't you?

-I'm sorry?

-I freed up an extra ten minutes.

-Are you crazy?

-No, I'm not!

-This consultation is over unless you come back with a chaperone.

-Who for?

OK.

You're not really telling me to go?

No, just tired.

Well, yes, we would try.

But you know she isn't very good in the car.

We'll see you soon, though, eh, Dad?

Yeah, yeah. Bye.

Please don't tell me we've got to traipse all the way down there.

-Why are you home?

-We've got the doctor coming round. About Rosie.

-What?

-She said she'd be passing anyway.

So whose idea was this?

Mine, if that's OK.

Well, we only saw the Health Visitor last week.

Maybe she caught her on a good day.

No, hang on, there aren't any good days.

-Martin...

-I just can't see the harm in a second opinion.

And have some other nosey old bat sticking their oar in,

treating me like an idiot?

She's younger than you!

-Then what does she know about anything?

-She's a doctor, isn't she?

And Rosie needs some help.

You do, you mean.

Love, I think we all do.

I have to say, she seems fine.

We could always run some tests.

There's no need. Honestly, it's almost as if he wants her to be ill.

-Don't say that.

-Tell him.

Babies are hard work. Simple as.

So, why won't she sleep?

Well, it could be colic. Or teeth coming through.

Just like every other child.

-I don't think so.

-And you're an expert, are you?

I'm with children all day.

-Maybe that's why you haven't got any patience left for your own.

-Ahem.

So, that's it? We just have to put up with it.

-Well, there are one or two things we could try.

-Like what?

Try establishing more of a routine.

Make the feeding times more regular.

And if you can, ignore the crying at first.

Yes, I've been through all this with the Health Visitor.

Maybe Martin needs to hear it too.

Then maybe he should've been here.

What are you talking about?

-You can always find time when it suits you.

-What?!

And perhaps we should both try keeping a little calmer?

Sorry, but do you actually have any children?

-No, but...

-I see. Well, thanks for coming.

We tried.

-Thanks.

-I've tried. Thanks.

-And?

You know Jimmi. He's not the most responsive person in the world.

Like trying to get blood out of a stone.

Well, you know what I think?

I think deep down he's starting to realise...

I'm sorry to interrupt.

I've got a confession to make.

Now?

I don't think this is the time.

-Or the place.

-All this business with Harrison -

my affair with Harrison - has made me realise I've got a problem.

-Yeah...

-And to overcome it, I need the help of my friends.

The people whose opinions I trust

and respect above all others, which is you.

No, thank you. I'm fine.

Why don't you have a seat?

-I've got to get back to work.

-What's that?

-I'll see you later.

They're just to help me sleep.

So, why the big secret?

-It's only for the next couple of weeks.

-And what about me?

OK, fine. But when I get home.

So what if I don't wake up for some reason, or I need some help?

-Since when do you need any help?

-Typical selfish man. You're so weak!

-It's just till I get through the play.

-Oh, really?

Then what will it be?

-The Christmas concert, football coaching?

-Yes, it's called my job!

Just go, will you?

What's the use? You never let me near her.

-That's rubbish!

-Or yourself for that matter.

-Oh, don't start all that again.

-Well, it's true.

-You're pathetic!

BABY CRIES

Look, why don't we just face it, eh?

We started off wanting a family,

now we've barely got a marriage.

The fact is, year after year after year goes by,

and I'm still the other woman.

-That's not something to be proud of.

-You're not wrong.

There has to be a pattern - a need, almost.

Like any other addiction,

the best way to deal with it, first, is to admit it.

You don't get off that easy.

You've hurt people. Families.

By pretending to myself they didn't exist.

How?

Telling myself stories like, "He didn't love her anyway,"

or, "They were splitting up in any case."

No, you're not that stupid.

OK. By telling myself that nothing else mattered except my fix.

Of what exactly?

Guilty pleasure?

Borrowed self-esteem.

Until, of course,

I saw Fiona standing there, eight months pregnant.

Yeah, I was there. There was no pleasure in that.

-Karen, I know.

-It was terrible.

And I shouldn't have been brought into the Mill, of all places.

I know I'm in a position of trust.

It was my own stupid, selfish fault, no-one else's, and I'm sorry,

I really am...very sorry.

"Unsex me here,

"and fill me from the crown to the toe top-full

"of direst cruelty!"

Wow.

I did it at school too.

-Which part?

-Who do you think?

What I'd really like right now, is some gateau from Chez Laurent.

It is divine. I'd kill for it, so my plan is...

Tell Zara.

It's nothing really.

Just babies, I guess, and parents.

They do go on a bit.

I don't feel qualified, somehow.

I haven't got a prostate problem, but it doesn't mean I can't comment.

It's different with kids.

It's meant to be instinct.

If you're a woman.

I've managed up to now.

-How, though?

-I suppose it's just about confidence.

It's like acting. Half the time with babies, there's nothing very wrong.

All the parents really want is reassurance.

So you have to look them in the eye and take charge. How does it go?

"Screw your courage to the sticking place." They lap it up.

-Now, this...is a guilty pleasure.

-I'll say.

You know...

I've had moments...

in my life that I'm not very proud of.

Like?

Like the toy boy that I brought back from Spain,

-and a psychotic policeman.

-There's a lot of them about.

But that's all in the past now.

Even so, I shouldn't have been all holier than thou with you.

No, I deserved it. Every word.

Rory Spittles.

At Flamingo's in Studley.

He's got this huge fringe, white trousers, silver jacket.

SHE GIGGLES

Sleeves rolled up to here. Broke my boyfriend's heart.

Which boyfriend?

D'you know, I have no idea. I can't remember his name.

THEY GIGGLE

Hey, come on. To the new Elaine.

I'll drink to that.

And death by chocolate.

(Death by chocolate.)

# Twinkle, twinkle little star

# How I wonder what you are. #

There. You are such a good girl.

DOORBELL RINGS

Thank you, my angel.

DOORBELL RINGS REPEATEDLY

(Yes, I heard you.) BABY CRIES

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

"Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,

"To the last syllable of recorded time;

"And all our yesterdays have lighted fools.

"The way to dusty death.

"Out, out, brief candle!

"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

"That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

"And then is heard no more.

"It is a tale Told by an idiot,

-"full of sound and fury..." Signifying nothing.

-BELL RINGS

Thank you. And don't run!

'What do you think you're doing?'

-I'm sorry?

-'Sending that woman here.'

What woman...?

'That health visitor trying to barge in here whether she's wanted or not!'

Well, to be honest,

'I thought there were one or two problems that she could help you with.'

-Like what?

-Like, the fact that you're not getting enough sleep

and perhaps you're starting to feel down...

'Are you stupid? I've never felt better!'

-I'm sorry but...

-My child means everything to me. She's everything I've ever wanted.

Yes...

but there are still some issues with Martin.

'So tell him that!'

Shush, sweetheart.

But no, it's not fathers who get snooped on and questioned all the time, is it?

Or blamed for destroying the marriage just because they're too exhausted to have sex!

-Lisa, I'm offering you my support here, not judgement.

-'Rosie, please...'

And if you're not happy with the Health Visitor then we can see about...

'Sorry?'

I said, if it would help, we can always see...

'Shut up, just shut up!'

Lisa?

BABY CRIES Shut up, just shut up!

No, that's absolutely fine. I'll be glad to see the back of him.

Don't try to tell me it's because his feelings have been hurt.

-Tell him, will you?

-No, it's because Trent here's got better things to do. Hasn't he?

-And forget about everyone else!

-D'you see what he's like?

I don't know why I bother. I really don't.

Will you just stop?

I'm going as fast as I can.

Please, Rosie. Please!

BABY CRIES

Good lunch?

-Great thanks.

-It certainly took the edge off my alfalfa sprout salad.

-I've been thinking.

-Have you Dr Granger?

Yes. Don't get me wrong, your work here has been good.

But in view of what happened here this morning, it might be better if you were to temp elsewhere.

Wouldn't you agree?

No, I'm quite happy here, thanks.

I'm not asking you Lauren. I'm telling you.

Perhaps I should have a word with Julia then.

About some of those things you said when you were examining me

-which you shouldn't have been doing in the first place.

-And what sort of things were they?

All those questions about me and Kevin

and the way you were touching me.

I found it quite embarrassing, to be honest.

Oh, dear. Don't you think I've had to deal with those harassment cases before?

-I'm not surprised.

-Every time some sad, sick person wanders in

-with nothing better to do with their life.

-Very inappropriate.

It actually gets quite boring in the end.

Watching you make a complete and utter fools of yourselves.

Well, we'll have to see then, shall we?

If Julia agrees?

I swear, one day I'll swing for that little cretin.

Trent Beasley. They've only pulled him out of the play.

So now I've got a complaint to wade through and five days to find a new Malcolm!

Lisa? Are you there?

(Lisa).

I'll be there directly.

Right, I've got an appointment.

Save some for me.

In your dreams.

-Do you mind?

-Is Lisa here?

No, should she be?

-She won't answer her phone and she's with the baby.

-You need to calm down.

I found this in the bathroom. Empty!

-What are they?

-Zolifex.

-We do need to find her.

I thought maybe she'd answer if we call her from here.

And how old is the child?

Actually, Zara, no.

I should do this.

They're my patients and besides, you've got an appointment.

You sure?

OK, fine.

I've tried everywhere I can think of.

She's never done this before.

Come with me.

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Lisa, it's Dr Wilson.'

Are you all right?

Where are you, love?

'Lisa.'

With my mum.

Can you make sure you rebook Mrs Abel.

Fine. But could you just help me with this? I'm a bit confused.

What's the difference between lewdness and lasciviousness?

-In what context?

-Making a complaint against a doctor.

Yeah, I can't seem to choose. There's unwanted physical conduct.

-Or verbal. Or even non-verbal.

-Good luck with that.

For example, would you say your behaviour was more offensive, abusive or intimidating?

Or was it just sexual assault?

-I pity you.

-There we go again.

Inappropriate verbal conduct intended to be malicious or insulting.

Is he all right?

Oh, just Mrs Abel, you know what she's like. Bless Him!

Please. One minute. OK?

Are you all right? And Rosie?

Lisa, what happened to those pills?

Did you take any?

-And what about Rosie?

-Well?

-Where are they?

-Shh!

What have you done with those tablets?

-Why did you get them?

-She seems OK.

Where are they?!

See? He can't stand us, can he?

Just wants to block us out.

Lisa, please.

And it's not just Rosie, it's me.

-No, I don't think that's true.

-He hates me and our marriage.

No, Lisa, I love you but I still need to know what you've done with those pills.

Please.

I flushed them away.

Why?

Because just for one minute.

One minute. I thought I could've taken them.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

-D'you know? I could've learned so much from her.

-I'm sure.

She was always so patient.

And loving.

The perfect mother.

Unlike me.

I'm sorry, but that's an easy thing to say.

-No, she was.

-Especially when the person's not here any more.

She missed Rosie by a year.

How about your dad?

He's a bit like Martin.

He tries...

Look at us, though.

This isn't where we're meant to be.

It's supposed to be the happiest time of our lives.

You'll get past this, Lisa.

No, it's not normal. It can't be.

All the parents I see look so happy.

Not all of them, believe me.

Not behind closed doors.

So what does that mean?

I'm what, sick in the head?

No, just exhausted.

Just human.

And what do you say to them?

That it will get easier.

Which is what I think your mum would've said to you.

Think she's getting hungry.

Come and see me tomorrow, yeah.

Listen, I'm giving up the play.

Handing it over. Spend a bit more time at home.

Thanks, eh?

Pleasure.

MUFFLED GIGGLES AND DOOR OPENS

Hello? You are never going to guess what I've had to put up with today from that Lauren creature.

OK, first, she ropes me in to examining her.

And I know what you're going to say but there's no way!

She practically forced me, threatened to go home

and here is this the best bit...

-What's this? Cravings?

-Mmm.

-We do own cutlery, you know.

-Sorry. What were you saying?

It's OK.

-No, really, what was it?

-Forget it.

Daniel.

Daniel!

-Where is she?

-Who?

-Don't mess me about. Where is she?

-I don't know who you're talking about.

-Devon.

-Is she your girlfriend?

-She's my daughter, you know it.

Al Pacino - Scent of a Woman

Hoo-ha!

THEY GIGGLE

-That is impossible!

-Well, you'd better pull your finger out.

People are relying on you, Immie, including your mum.

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