Footloose Doctors

RADIO PLAYS "JESUS TO A CHILD" BY GEORGE MICHAEL

I'll pick you up around six. It's a good idea, this,

bringing one of our cars, it's greener.

Having a baby has made me think more about this eco stuff. Zara?

-SHE SOBS

-It's all right.

-What is it?

-It's the song!

-What?

What's wrong with me? Turn it off!

What is wrong with me?

-We all cry, sometimes.

-At George Michael?!

You're talking to the woman who giggled all the way through Titanic.

It's natural. It's the hormones.

Oh, great(!) That means I've got months of this to look forward to.

Months and months. But it'll be worth it in the end, won't it?

I'll see you tonight.

It's not funny.

It is!

-You're never going to let me forget this, are you?

-No.

I don't know why I agreed to do a life class.

-Life class?

-Yeah, like drawing.

Elaine has arranged for Karen and I to go with her.

-Hmm, it might be fun.

-Ha! Dreary!

A load of people trying to find their artistic side, and failing.

I could always pretend to be ill and get out of it.

Hmm. Is Cherry in today?

No, she's at that course at St Phil's.

Be careful.

'Hi, this is Cherry. Leave a message. Bye.'

BEEP Hey, it's me. Erm...

I'll try you again later.

I've ordered all this stationery.

I want you to take it into the office and do a stocktake.

-A stocktake?

-Yes. I want you to write down exactly what's there and then bring the list to me.

-Problem?

-No.

-Hi. Can I help?

-My name's Ali Mowbray. I need to see a doctor.

-Today?

-This morning, if possible.

Is it an emergency?

Yes! I get these... LABOURED BREATHING

-It's a panic attack. You should...

-Yes, I know what it is, thank you!

Get on with what you're doing. I'll deal with this.

Right. I want you to breathe into that.

All right. This is Ali Mowbray, she's having a panic attack.

Ali, would you like to come with me?

Thanks, Lauren.

I want something to make them stop.

There must be something you can give me.

A tranquilliser, not addictive, but strong enough.

-How often is this happening?

-Too often. Pretty much every day.

Panic attacks are usually caused by stressful situations.

Do you know what's making you stressed?

Because if you can identify it, minimise it, take back control,

then usually there's no need for drugs.

I've met someone - Joe.

-OK.

-He's lovely. He cares about me.

I think this could be serious.

But...there's something I haven't told him.

Do you want to give me a clue?

PHONE RINGS

Campus surgery, Lauren speaking, can I help?

Lauren, it's Heston. May I speak to Imogen?

Imogen's busy right now. Can take a message?

'I've got a very important job for her. I'd like her to update'

the QOF information on patients with heart conditions.

'She's a bright girl, she can manage it.'

'When do you need them by?'

Today would be good. Any problems, she can give me a ring.

I'll tell her. Thanks, Dr Carter. Bye.

Hi. Can I help you?

I'm sure you can.

Would it be possible to see Dr Cassidy in the next hour or so?

-I need to be somewhere by 11.

-I'll just check.

She's got a drop in now, but I can fit you in 20 minutes?

-Thank you.

-I love your watch. Is it designer?

Yeah, it is - Michael Amadeo.

-You've seen Dr Cassidy before?

-I have, many times.

She's very...empathetic.

She's into all that New Age-y stuff.

It's great having a GP with such an open mind.

Yeah, I like people who are open-minded.

Well, I mustn't distract you from your work.

Bit of a passion killer.

How did this happen?

I was into extreme sports.

Rock-climbing, snowboarding, you name it - never got a scratch.

I was on a motorbike with a friend, a lorry slammed into us. He was killed.

I suppose you could say I was lucky.

-When was this?

-Year and a half ago. It doesn't stop me doing much.

I go swimming, I can drive, I can walk.

I get those...phantom sensations in the place where it was.

-It still itches.

-You've done amazingly.

-I haven't told Joe. I don't know how to.

-And he has no idea?

No reason he should. He hasn't seen me naked, yet.

We haven't got that far.

Tonight's supposed to be THE night.

We're having dinner and then, you know, the rest.

So he's going to find out even if I don't tell him.

I haven't really been with anyone since the accident.

I nearly had a one-night stand.

This guy picked me up. Well, it was mutual.

Went back to my place and...

-And?

-He said I was a freak and a cripple and disgusting.

That only a pervert would want to have sex with someone like me.

-Then he left. Couldn't get away fast enough.

-What a total creep.

-Yeah. Well, I did kind of spring it on him, as it were.

-That's no excuse.

Whatever. He's long gone.

But what if Joe reacts in the same way?

I want to be honest with him, before we start taking off our clothes.

And...I don't know how to do it.

-A-hem.

-Lauren. This list...

-Never mind that, I've got another job for you.

Heston wants you to update QOF information on all the patients

with high blood pressure and other related health problems. You do know what QOF is?

Yeah, but I've already done that. I did that about a month ago.

Well, he wants you to do it again. It's not urgent he says, just by the end of the week.

-I might give him a ring and check.

-Dr Carter's very busy, Imogen.

Anyway I'm your line manager, anything you want to know should go through me.

-Fine. I'll get on with it.

-Thank you.

I've never really had relationships before.

-At all?

-Didn't want them. I was footloose and fancy free. If you see what I mean.

Women aren't supposed to do that, are they?

Enjoy the sex and then just move on.

We're always supposed to want emotion and romance, and I never did.

Until you met Joe?

I never thought I'd say this, but...

I've found this one guy I might want to spend the rest of my life with.

It's weird, but it's...

right.

-I know what you mean.

-I can't lie to him,

or turn off the lights and hope he doesn't notice.

So...

Be honest with him. It's only fair.

If he's worth it, he'll be able to accept it.

If he's not able to accept it, he's not worth bothering with.

I know. I just needed to hear someone say it.

He works at the university, he's an administrator.

I'm going to have lunch with him and tell him the truth.

I could prescribe you some drugs for the short term,

but I don't think you need drugs to get through this.

-Good luck.

-I'll need it.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

I had to see you.

If you're genuinely ill, I suggest you see Dr Carmichael.

If you've just come to try and talk me round, you're wasting your time.

I did come to try and talk you round.

There's no point. I've already told you, our relationship is over.

I had hoped you'd respect that.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't be putting you in this position,

or using up time you should be spending with your patients. I'll go.

-What are you doing for lunch? You do have a lunch hour?

-Yes.

-Come for a walk with me.

-Harrison...

Just a walk. Not lunch, not drinks, not a date.

Come on. Let me show you out.

You don't trust me? SHE LAUGHS

No. Not a bit.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-Hi, Heston. It's Imogen.

Imogen, what can I do for you?

It's about those QOF reports you wanted.

They're on patients with blood pressure-related problems?

-No, heart conditions.

-Oh.

-That's not what Lauren told me.

-Must have got lost in translation.

-Obviously.

-And if I can have those today.

Yeah. Sure that will be fine.

Thanks. I knew I could rely on you. Bye.

Two-face conniving cow.

-What you doing?

-That report that Heston wanted.

When you've finished, give it to me and I'll pass it on to him.

-I can just email it straight over to him.

-You're not listening, Imogen. You send it to me!

CALMING MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

I'm just going for a walk. I need some fresh air.

-Thanks for the advice(!)

-Excuse me?

I told Joe everything and he walked away, didn't say a word.

I reckon he's dumped me, only he didn't even say that.

I shouldn't have told him!

-I don't know what this is about, but can I help?

-What use would you be?

I don't want any help from any of you, thanks. She's done enough.

I'm sorry. I never claimed to be a relationship counsellor.

And if your boyfriend's an immature idiot, that's hardly my...

I just thought if I told him, everything would be fine.

And now everything's ruined.

-What was all that about?

-Zara?

-It's all right. It's nothing.

-Some people...

She's upset. I'll go and talk to her.

Zara?

-I'm OK.

-You're upset.

-I'll live.

It's not the first time I've had a run-in with a patient.

It's more than that. You look terribly tired, I've noticed for a while. Is everything OK?

-Yes!

-Anything I can do?

I doubt it.

Sure? Herbal tea? And maybe a talk?

Look, I haven't got time to sit around on a beanbag thinking beautiful thoughts.

I'm partly responsible for this mess, so it needs to be me that sorts it out.

Cherry? It's me.

Jimmi, I can't really talk. My workshop's about to start.

-We have to talk at some point. Sort things out.

-Yes. I suppose we do.

What time do you finish? Maybe you could come round. I'll cook some dinner.

-No, I'm not going to the house.

-We'll go out then.

-I don't want to go to some busy pub.

-'Well, what do you suggest?'

Why don't we meet on neutral ground?

Is The Mill neutral enough for you?

Yes.

Fine, come round when you've finished. We can chat, yeah?

OK. Jimmi, I've got to go. I'll speak to you later.

The only reason I'm here is to convince you it's over.

I'll listen to everything you have to say, but will you hear me out first?

I never wanted to hurt Fiona, and I have.

I'd hurt her a lot more if I went on lying to her, or tried to make her

-stay in a marriage that we both knew was over.

-Your child?

Our child shouldn't have to be brought up by parents who don't want to be together.

Look. Everything's out in the open.

I've left Fiona and I can't go back.

I don't want you to abandon your wife.

It makes me feel even more guilty.

Actually, if you must know, she left me.

Why did you say...?

It's humiliating for me!

So you lied! Even now, you can't be honest with me!

OK. No more lies.

This is the unvarnished truth.

Ever since she left, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I'm not... I'm not proud of the things I've done.

Nor me.

I've been trying to use my instincts.

That's one of the things you've taught me.

And when I do, when I think about what it is that I want for the rest of my life...

..I'm always coming back to the same answer.

I want to spend it with you.

-Are you Joe?

-Yes. Who are you?

I'm Dr Carmichael from the Campus Surgery.

-You're the doctor Ali talked to?

-Yes.

She's very upset.

She told you about...erm...

It's a bit of a bombshell, you've got to admit.

It hasn't been wonderful for her either.

She lied to me.

Well, she didn't tell me everything.

No. But she was scared.

And what have you done? You've gone and left her, which is exactly what she was scared of.

Look, I can't believe I'm saying this...

but looks aren't everything.

-Surely it's who you are on the inside that matters?

-It's not just about the thing,

the foot, although that's a lot to get your head around.

You can't get your head around her foot?

You know what I mean. It's the secrecy.

This always happens to me. Always.

You're kidding.

You mean, every previous girlfriend you've ever had has turned out to be an amputee?

It's not funny! Do you normally talk to your patients like this?

You're not one of my patients.

What I mean is...

Secrets.

I went out with this other girl, Michaela.

She got pregnant.

She didn't want it, she got rid of it, and never said.

Never even discussed it with me.

I wouldn't have known, except one of her friends thought I had a right to know, and told me about it.

That was a horrible thing to do.

Now it's happened again.

I meet a lovely girl, we get together, and it turns out she's not the person I thought she was at all.

This isn't the same.

-You're not the only one who's been thinking things over.

-And?

I've decided I have some very self-destructive tendencies.

What do you mean? Like what? Lion-taming? Class A drugs?

My taste in relationships.

You mean by...

by choosing me that's bad for your health?

I'm drawn to men who don't make me happy.

Elaine, I'd do anything...

You said you'd hear me out.

I choose men that are wrong for me.

You mean, even if you want me that means you shouldn't?

Yes. If you like. There's a pattern in my relationships,

-you're part of it, and that's what I want to change.

-So you do want me?

What I want and what I need are two different things.

I've decided I need to stay away from men altogether,

at least for a while.

Have I put you off that much?

History doesn't always repeat itself, you know?

This time, this relationship, you and me, it would be different.

You've got to give that a chance.

What did you make of Ali before you knew about all of this?

Beautiful. Fantastic. Out of my league, to be honest.

And what's different now? She's still the same person.

It's not like your previous girlfriend.

It's not about something she's done to you.

But now I'm thinking, what else hasn't she told me?

-Why should there be anything else?

-There could be!

That's the trouble. How do I know?

You don't.

I wasn't going to get involved with anyone after Michaela.

Then Ali's company had a function at the university

and the minute I saw her...

And you're really going to throw all that away?

A-hem.

It wouldn't work. We're both too complicated.

We'd end up making each other miserable.

No, you'll feel differently.

I won't. And I don't want you hanging round, on the off-chance.

You've got a wife - ex-wife -

and a new baby. They should be your main priority now.

I know what my priorities are, thank you.

Harrison, I don't want to hurt you. But I need a clean break.

-I should be getting back.

-You'll be all right.

Yeah.

Take care.

-Do you need anything? Can I get you anything?

-I'm not a cripple.

You rushed off, so I thought I'd better come and find you, see if you were dumping me.

-But then I heard what you said.

-Are you OK?

So, to sum up, you can't live without her

and you're having panic attacks at the thought of losing him.

-Panic attacks?

-I thought you'd be disgusted when I said...

-No!

I'd never have guessed. You don't limp at all.

-Why should I limp?

-Well, you know... With...

I don't limp, I don't use crutches, I don't have a cane.

Wearing heels is tricky and I've had to give up my dream of being a ballet dancer.

-You're so brave.

-I'm not brave.

I didn't have a choice.

Look, if all you're going to do is be sorry for me...

-Well done, Joe. You opened your mouth and put your foot in it.

-SHE LAUGHS

That isn't funny! How can you laugh about that?

Practice. I've heard all the jokes.

Made most of them myself.

And all the unfortunate comments about putting your best foot forward,

standing on your own two feet... HE LAUGHS

I'm still... it takes a bit of getting used to.

Yeah. It does.

I'm not dumping you. I wouldn't.

For goodness sake!

You both love each other. You both want this to work out.

What's the problem?

Erm...there's something I haven't told you.

That you've seven other wives and hordes of children?

No. It's not about someone else.

It's just...

-something physical about me.

-What?

-I was going to tell you.

Look...

-What?

-Oh, I see.

I've, um...

I've got a third nipple.

You can hardly see it.

Just think you could be a Bond villain. Mr Scaramanga.

Some women... It freaks them out.

I'm not some women.

I know. So...

Well...

That's it from me.

Have you got any other secrets?

My nan's recipe for Christmas pudding.

Come here.

-Does that mean dinner's back on?

-Yeah.

And the rest.

If you want.

Well. I'll just...

Don't mind me.

No need to thank me.

Oh, for goodness sake!

Imogen, just the person I was looking for.

I've done that report for you.

-Hello, Dr Carter.

-This is excellent.

-You've done a very thorough job, just what I wanted.

-Is that the report I asked you to do?

The report that Heston wanted, yeah.

-You gave it directly to Dr Carter?

-At my request.

I've emailed it as well, Lauren. I copied you in on it.

-Problem?

-No. Only I'm your line manager, so it should have gone through me.

Come on, Lauren! There's enough bureaucracy in the world without creating any more. I'll be off.

Elaine, you look radiant.

-Thank you.

-See you soon, ladies, and thanks again, Imogen.

-It's my pleasure.

-Imogen, I had no idea you could be so sneaky.

Harrison! Hi.

Do you jog a lot?

As often as I can.

Why?

How far do you run?

I try and do at least five miles.

That's great. Impressive.

Yeah.

-Listen, if you're in the middle of something, don't let me disturb you.

-You're not.

-I just wanted to ask you something.

-What?

That day's work experience with you was fascinating. I learnt a lot.

It really had an effect on me. I've even changed the focus of my dissertation.

-You want to observe some more?

-Yeah.

-That was a...

a one off. A favour for your dad.

I'm not really in the business of babysitting students.

You wouldn't have to. I know all the protocols, you made sure of that.

I just want to study the process more, the way you piece everything together...

You think pandering to my ego is going to help you?

Worth a try.

Your timing couldn't be better.

Give the office a call, we'll fix something up.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Hey. How are you doing?

Oh, OK.

This life class thing.

How long do you think it might go on for because I've got to...

Elaine? Hello?

-Sorry, I'm miles away.

-You OK?

-Harrison turned up. Asked me back.

-What?!

I hope you told him where to go.

Actually, I nearly said yes.

-Tell me you didn't.

-It's tempting.

I mean, he's single now. Well, separated.

It's hard. Like kicking a bad habit.

I need to take my mind off him.

Which is why I'm so looking forward to that life class.

Yeah, me too.

-I've told Julia I'll lock up.

-Working late on a glorious evening like this?

-I've got stuff to do.

-I'm going home to study my recitative.

I don't believe it. You championing romance and true love and living happily ever after?

Well, it works. For some.

-Your hormones must be in overdrive.

-It's nothing to do with my hormones!

It is. This.

You, us, the baby.

It's changed my whole attitude to some things.

I didn't realise how much until today.

-Come here.

-I am not going to cry.

-Shh.

Oh, this is terrifying! I'm turning into Cherry.

Your boobs have got a way to go.

SHE LAUGHS

If I start wearing pink, shoot me.

Come on.

Hello, Jimmi.

Eva.

Is it normal?

-From what I can tell. Why?

-It doesn't matter.

I have to have an abortion.

I cook for her. I wash her clothes. I make sure she studies.

This isn't about you.

You look good.

You too.

-Get off me!

-I know you're seeing someone else!

What is going on here?!

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