A Different Page Doctors

Come through.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

We were out the door when Archie's nappy just exploded!

He's teething at the moment so his...

Anyway, er...

This is probably the best example of my work.

Oh, God, sorry!

Sorry. It's just spit-up,

it's not proper sick or anything.

I'm not saying the hours are unreasonable.

Actually, I am saying the hours are unreasonable.

I can't remember the last time I put my kids to bed.

And I wouldn't mind if there was even an ounce of creativity,

but I feel like a glorified robot.

I was hardly around when William was ill.

I missed Finn's first day at school, Archie's first word!

Family is supposed to come first,

but you lot grind and grind, and it'll be the kids' graduation,

and they won't even know who I am!

It may look a bit dated, but it was before my maternity leave.

It was only meant to be two months, but William had some health issues when he was born,

then we got pregnant again...twice!

Suddenly it's six years later!

Sorry. Sorry.

I haven't done this for a while, but I'm really excited

about using this baby brain for something other than play dates!

I know design's moved on, but...

I'll catch up!

At least I'm cheap!

'I am at my desk on a Saturday,'

re-doing the same drawings for the umpteenth time,

while you are off playing tennis with your bit on the side.

Hang on! So you know what?

Stuff your job. George!

PHONE RINGS

Hi!

How did it go?

Great! Really, really good.

Said they might have something in the pipeline.

Can't have taken long, you must have been in and out?

I got there early, and she wants me to meet the rest of the team,

so we've just taken five and then I'm going back in.

We should celebrate. Meet me for a coffee?

Er...I'm not sure how long this is going to take.

Maybe another hour.

Then let's say lunch. The Icon in an hour?

I've...got something to tell you.

Great, can't wait!

Not there, we'll be tripping over it.

If you leave it there, the patients won't be able to get in!

Stop!

Oh, someone got a sore head?

You don't have to sound so pleased about it.

And you?!

Or so shrill either!

What was the occasion?

Nothing special. We only went out for a swift half,

but the landlord was testing a new pale ale

and wanted a second opinion.

And a third. And a fourth!

Sorry, I would have invited you

but I didn't think Zara let you out on a school night.

I go out whenever I want.

I do!

At last. Right. My office in five minutes.

I've got a patient.

Five minutes.

Al, come in. Sit yourself down.

The Campus has taken a stall at the university's Freshers' Fair.

I need you two to staff it.

When?

This afternoon.

Student figures have fallen at the Campus.

I need you two to sign up some students.

Well, I'd love to, Howard, but I'm getting an awful cold.

Well, I can't do it.

I've got paperwork coming out of the old wazoo.

I need to prepare for that patient care of yours.

This is important. If we don't keep the student numbers up,

the university will reconsider our position at the Campus.

This is a waste of time.

Students sign up eventually, when they're vomiting,

or need the morning-after pill.

Howard, I think it's a really good idea.

I think that Al is your better bet - he's closer in age to them.

I'm hardly an object of health at the moment.

You look all right to me.

I probably shouldn't even be at work.

I should be at home in bed with a nice man and a large brandy.

And I need to be preparing for your meeting.

What is it you always say to me, Howard -

fail to prepare, prepare to fail?

Well, you're doing it and that's that.

Karen has re-allocated your appointments for this afternoon so there's no problem.

You're being excused from the patient care meeting,

and there's no way you're wheedling out of this with a little sniffle...

or a large hangover.

Anyway I don't know why you're making such a fuss over it,

you'll enjoy it!

Especially when you see your outfits.

TOGETHER: Outfits?!

I've got an appointment with Doctor Reid, Chloe Dryden.

Doctor Reid's not available today,

so you'll be seeing another doctor, if that's OK?

Fine. Oh, it won't be Dr Granger, will it?

The one and only. How are you?

It's not a problem, is it?

Karen can organise you another appointment with Doctor Reid.

I've got next Tuesday at 3.20pm?

No, it's fine, I'm here now. OK, come through.

How are you?

No way. Not in a million years.

You know I have sensitive skin.

I've a phobia about wearing clothes that have been previously worn.

I had a big breakfast, that will never fit me.

There's a lot of competition. We need a gimmick, a USP.

This is your USP!

Forget it. No way!

Put it this way. If we lose the Campus Surgery, we lose staff.

Just take a seat again.

When was your last period?

Started July 14th.

So, that's ten, eleven weeks?

I missed my last period and I'm late again.

I've done two tests, both negative,

but they're not always accurate, are they?

No, not always. When did you stop using contraception?

Stopped breastfeeding six months ago and haven't used anything since.

I don't get it, I'm normally pregnant in no time.

You don't mess about, do you?

I didn't realise it was part of George's plan to have four kids!

The plan's changed a lot over the years.

What with Will being poorly,

and Finn and Archie turning up so quickly, it's had to.

OK, so it's as you suspected, it's negative. You're not pregnant.

I will arrange for an ultrasound,

just to make sure everything's as it should be.

But as you know yourself,

it can take a while for your cycle to get back to normal.

You wait. Two months and I'll be moaning about morning sickness!

Let's hope so. Are you taking folic acid supplements?

I have been, just run out.

Good. Carry on with those, and if you're not pregnant in six months,

we'll reassess.

Thanks, Daniel. Love to Zara. OK.

Gonorrhoea?

Really?!

Hangover from hell and I get chlamydia?

It's fine, we'll just sit behind a desk,

keep our heads down, and maybe wear a coat.

Yes, all right, very funny, hilarious.

No, no, let me just...

There you go! I told you there was nothing wrong with them.

What are you supposed to be?

See! He's a doctor and even he doesn't know what we're meant to be!

How are the students going to know?!

It's funny, it's thinking outside the box.

He's gonorrhoea, she's chlamydia.

It's the other way round.

Like that makes a difference!

How will us dressed like this encourage students to sign up?

Hold on. You're going to the Freshers' Fair? Like that?

Oh, man. They're going to kill you!

I'm just off to the radio station - I'll give you a shout-out if you like.

Make sure you get as much footfall as possible.

Don't put yourself out too much.

No, it's no bother.

It's funny!

Hi. Hey!

Thought I wouldn't see you for a bit.

Meeting finished ages ago.

I thought you said you were meeting the rest of the team?

Yeah, it only took five minutes in the end,

the brand exec wasn't around so...

Shall I get us a drink?

It's all right, I've ordered. What've you got there?

Cough syrup. Finn finished off the last of it, so...

What did you want to talk to me about?

Ah...

How shall I put this?

I've resigned!

I know. I don't know what came over me,

but honestly, Chlo, it feels like a weight has been lifted!

What happened?

Brian called me in to go through projections and I lost it.

I told him the hours were unreasonable, he was unreasonable,

and then I just stormed out.

I didn't even pick up my stuff.

I'll have to go back for my stuff!

But what will we live on?

Savings will tide us over and then we'll have money coming in from your work.

But I haven't got any work yet.

But you will. Once you get one contract, the rest will come flooding in.

But it's nothing definite.

Chlo, I have faith in you.

You know what? It could be worse.

How could it possibly be any worse?

We could be in the hall. There'd be more people to laugh at us.

Pizza, get in! Free pizza!

Free slice for every kilometre rowed!

All right, mate? Want one?

Thanks.

Second thoughts... You look like you've had enough.

I'll look after the boys full time.

Give it a year, your business will be booming.

I'll start freelancing again and we can share the childcare

between us, and the plan's back on track.

Maybe we should just scratch the plan?

All this talk about sharing childcare and being a team,

maybe it's unrealistic?

But it's what we want.

I know I haven't been there for you and the boys.

This is me making amends, and you going back to something you love.

I just don't want you to give up work

and find yourself unemployable, with out-of-date skills

and no professional confidence.

Daniel! Haven't seen you in ages!

How are you both?

Never better, how's Zara?

You know, demanding as ever!

It's my one day without appointments,

so she treats it as an excuse to make me her gopher

and go and get her a coffee!

Sign up!

Sign up to the Campus Surgery, or you'll be seeing a lot more of me!

How's that going to work? Everyone thinks you're a worm!

I see. Whereas your hiding technique is working so much better!

You know what you guys need? A hook, a gimmick.

What? Like, dressing up as giant sexually transmitted infections,

something like that?

No offence, but you're not going to pull in the punters

with someone's mother dressed as herpes.

Gonorrhoea, actually.

Or someone's chemistry teacher looking like... What are you?

Look, in two hours, we've had two people sign up.

One of them looked like they were going to keel over,

and the other goes by the name Claire Middea!

Oh, what manner of vision I see before me!

I heard you were a sight for sore eyes,

but nothing, nothing has prepared me for this!

Tell me you've come to rescue me from this living hell!

Sadly not, my dear.

But you have brightened my day, and pink is definitely your colour.

How are you getting on?

Don't ask. One day somebody is going to write

the history of Howard Bellamy's lousy ideas.

And this will rank as the lousiest.

Plus, we've got some know-it-all student,

who can't help but share his wisdom with us.

Might be worth hearing him out. He is a student after all.

Now that's what I'm talking about!

You've got your hook right there. Babe, you can hook me any day!

It's rude to turn your back when someone's talking to you.

I like a smart dresser.

And that suit would look even better on my bedroom floor.

Ugh! Good luck finding someone that line will work on!

Ignore him, he's an idiot.

I know. It's fine.

Why don't I go and get your stuff?

Save you the embarrassment of bumping into Brian.

Thank you.

Why've you got folic acid?

Er...anaemia.

I've missed a few periods, but it's just mild, very mild anaemia.

How many periods? Are you sure you're not pregnant?

I'm not. I went to the surgery this morning.

It's really not a big deal. Daniel suggested trying folic acid.

I didn't want to worry you.

I knew Daniel wouldn't say anything and you were so stressed with work.

You shouldn't be dealing with stuff like this on your own.

Come here.

It wouldn't be the end of the world, would it?

If I had been pregnant?

We have more kids than we ever intended.

I've just resigned.

You wouldn't be able to work.

We'd be seriously up the creek!

Won't be long.

Daniel, it's George.

Just checking to see if you're about. Give me a call back.

Ta-da!

It's a map. A map of local pubs.

It's a real ale pub crawl!

I get the students to sign up for a pub crawl tonight with me,

then I'll use my charms to get them to sign up to the Campus!

How is that going to make them sign up?

We will promise them the secret of our patented Hangover Cure!

What patented Hangover Cure?!

I don't know... Drink lots of water, replenish salt and sugar.

What does it matter? By that point we'll have their names!

Firstly, what has real ale got to do with the Campus Surgery?

And secondly, do you really think it's a good idea,

encouraging binge drinking?

It's thinking outside the box, Emma.

I promise you, once word gets round, they'll be flocking in droves.

In droves, Emma.

Twice in one day. Take a seat.

What's on your mind?

I want a vasectomy.

Right.

Well, that's not something you should rush into.

I know, but Chloe and I are both agreed

that we don't want any more kids,

and it's not fair that the responsibility is all on her shoulders.

You've spoken to Chloe about this? Not in so many words.

I knew something wasn't right, but I've been so caught up in work.

I had no idea she'd been stressing about getting pregnant.

It's all right. She told me she came to see you.

We're just so relieved that it was negative.

I don't know what we'd do if she got pregnant again.

Hence...

There are other, less permanent methods.

Yes, but I want permanent. That's kind of the point.

OK... Does Chloe know you're here?

No, she's got enough on her plate.

And as I understand it, it's my decision.

Yeah, I'm just suggesting you take some time to think it through.

But I have thought it through.

I'm sure you have, but I need to be satisfied

that you've considered all the ramifications.

Yeah, the ramifications are I'm no longer fertile.

Why are you being funny about this, Daniel?

Do I need to see another GP?

No, of course not.

Great. Then maybe you can tell me what we do next.

And they have Sticky Wicket on tap,

so we'll be starting there six on the dot.

And the first pint's on you, yeah?

You heard the man, first pint's on him!

Thanks, mate, see you there!

You do realise that's going to cost you an absolute fortune?

No need to get snippy, just because my masterplan's working.

Do that again...

..and I will cut it off.

Hope you meant his hand.

I know it takes all sorts, but really?

You see STI. Students just see sex.

Everywhere they look.

And sex sells, doesn't it?

So, you'll get your referral from the hospital...

What are you doing here?

You disappeared. I was worried, I thought something was wrong.

Nothing's wrong.

I just thought I could help, stop you worrying about getting pregnant,

so I'm going to get a vasectomy.

I thought you'd be happy.

I wasn't worried about getting pregnant.

I wanted to know why I wasn't! What?!

OK, let's go to my office.

It's pretty obvious, isn't it? You're on the pill!

You are on the pill, aren't you? Chloe?

Why the hell not?

I haven't been taking it since Archie.

And you didn't think to mention it?

Contraception is supposed to be a joint decision!

OK, we need to keep it down. And you!

You knew she was trying to pregnant and didn't tell me?!

You're supposed to be my mate.

I am, but as a doctor I need to abide by the...

I'm your wife! Don't you think you should've spoken to me?

I didn't mention it because I was trying to save you the stress.

Whereas you've calmly, systematically lied to me for months!

I wasn't ready to go back to work.

After six years?!

You don't understand!

Wait there.

Chloe!

All right if I keep a few of these?

Of course! I mean, you gave me the idea!

It's less hoppy, so less bitter, but very rich, very drinkable.

So I will see you there, then, yeah? Yeah.

Who'd have known students were so into real ale?

Yes, well, I would quit while I was ahead if I was you.

I've got a guaranteed way of making them sign up.

If there's one thing these students are interested in,

it's in their trousers.

Free condoms, free lube!

Get your condoms and your lube here!

Hasta la vista, herpes! Goodbye, gonorrhoea!

Right from day one, I've only ever been honest with her.

Shame she can't say the same.

She must have her reasons.

Yeah, she wasn't ready to go back to work.

Probably seen me slaving away every day and decided it wasn't for her.

She always used to be so driven, ambitious.

Putting her career on ice for so long...

I always assumed it was a massive sacrifice.

You guys have been through so much. But you've come through it.

You can't throw all that away because of this.

How am I meant to trust her now?

Look, she's been silly.

Zara behaves just as badly sometimes -

the hoops she makes me jump through, I could throttle her.

But I still love her.

And you still love Chloe.

Don't you?

Mmm, takes me back.

Monsoon season, West Bengal.

I didn't know you'd been to India.

In my younger days.

Marvellous experience.

One of things that India teaches us is to look forward.

Leave our past behind us.

But we learn from our past.

That's what stops us repeating our mistakes.

Yes, and we must embrace that.

But if they weren't our mistakes, we should put them behind us.

Are we still talking about India?

You can see right through me.

I'm sorry that boy upset you.

He was just a sleazebag.

I should know how to deal with idiots like him by now.

Sometimes a swift put-down would suffice.

And I know just the person to help you with that.

I really don't think I'm the best person to be giving you advice

on something like this.

You're kidding? You can stun a person at 20 paces!

Look, the last time I gave you advice, it all went horribly wrong.

In fact, if I'd been a little more measured,

perhaps that whole stalking thing might not have...

That wasn't your fault, Zara! I'm a grown up, for goodness' sake.

I don't think that madman would've stopped for anything.

Nonetheless, I am sorry.

Thanks.

Are you recovering from all that OK?

I'm...not bad.

Good.

Listen to me, all touchy-feely and I haven't even had a drink.

Look, I've got an idea.

I think you need to speak to somebody with the common touch.

I've seen mycobacteria less offensive than you.

Not bad.

Teeny bit...wordy.

It's all in the delivery.

It's got to grab him by the goolies and twist.

But still be throwaway, you know.

I've seen yeast infections less offensive than you.

Chlo?

So, you don't want to go back to work?

You couldn't have just talked to me?

It's not that I don't want to go back.

I do.

But it's been six years, George.

I've forgotten how to think like a grown-up.

I pick up a pencil and I haven't a clue where to start.

You just need to get back out there.

What if I can't do it any more?

Of course you can do it.

I've made a complete cockup of every meeting I've had.

This morning, I described Archie's poo,

said my work was dated, and that I was cheap.

How's that going to get me any work?

Why didn't you talk to me?

You look at me and you see this ambitious superwoman.

I don't know where she's gone.

What about me?

You think I'm suddenly going to turn into Superdad?

All three boys on my own — they'll run rings round me!

You're a brilliant dad.

And you are a brilliant, talented designer.

But you are rubbish at asking for help.

How can anyone help, I'm the one with the problem?

It's not your problem.

What about our marriage vows?

"What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine."

That wasn't one of our marriage vows.

Wasn't it?

What would I do without you?

Doesn't matter. You've got me.

Right, OK, one more time.

Come on, give it to me.

Karen!

Remind me to talk to you about your work-to-gossip ratio at some point.

Sorry, Howard, bit busy at the minute. I'll ignore you later?

Throwaway, spontaneous... Liking your style!

Ah, here's living proof that a man can live without a brain.

What is it with girls giggling?

It's like you're still in your school cliques -

all boys and bras and shopping.

Oooh! Would you like some cheese to go with that WHINE?

Free lube and condoms!

Get your free lube and condoms here!

What are you doing?

Sex sells, Howard.

Come prepared! Get your free condoms here.

Claire Midea. Anita Bath. Jenny Talworts?

Jenny... Oh, genital warts.

Reid signed that one up!

Pub crawl?

Yeah, I got quite a few people interested,

if they do eventually sign up...

Yes, but they haven't, have they?!

You've been here all afternoon, and signed up seven people?!

Half of them are false!

I've had a very good day. I've given away a lot of condoms.

Every condom you give away here is one less student coming to the surgery. How is that a good day?!

Howard, we're doctors, not sales people.

If you'd bothered even to get us a decent stall...

Oh, so now it's the stall's fault?!

Yes, you've stuck us in some side room,

we get a third of the footfall they do in the big room.

Yeah! Did you do any research?

Clearly, we should have a better stall, a more eye-catching display.

And a hook.

You've got a hook!

You cannot say that these ridiculous costumes are a hook,

when not even one student knows what we're meant to be!

So I'm the idiot and you're the experts?

Fine. Why don't we come back tomorrow and you show me how it should be done?!

It dawned on me yesterday. Embarrassing Bodies.

Say what?

Students love that show, so why not do something inspired by it?

Whoa! What are you doing with your mouth?!

I want to have sex. Huh?! With you.

Everything all right?

Nothing I can't handle. Preferably with a cattle prod.

Why, have you offered to come and help?

No! It's every doctor for themselves, remember?

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