Embarrassing Bodies Doctors

# I've had relations

# With girls from many nations

# I've made passes

# At women of all classes

# And just because you're gay

# I won't turn you away... #

PHONE RINGS

I'm busy.

Mate, you're always busy.

What do you want? Well, a simple 'yes' or 'no' would be helpful.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking about it.

The offer's not going to be there forever, you know.

I've got to go.

DOORBELL CHIMES

DOORBELL CHIMES REPEATEDLY

Morning! You again?

Oh, charming as ever.

Kettle's boiled.

WATER RUNS

Oh, so, what's on the bucket list today? It's not a bucket list!

Only people that know they're definitely going to die have a bucket list.

But we don't know what's going to happen... True.

But then you could get run over by a car tomorrow...

Ah, that's cheerful!

The specialists I saw yesterday seemed optimistic.

But in the meantime... We've got the house to ourselves.

I want to watch Casablanca, cos I've wanted to for years. Ahh.

(AS HUMPHREY BOGART) "I came to your house...for the waters." Eh?

HE CHUCKLES

It doesn't... Anyway, for lunch, got to be the Chinese round the corner.

Love their crispy shredded beef. I reckon we've earned it.

And then...

Yeah?

Well, one thing at a time.

Ah, I see you haven't bothered to put on your costume today either.

No, I am sticking it to the man.

Yes, well, the man happens to be your boss.

Our boss. And if he's so keen on those ridiculous costumes,

he can wear them himself.

He made it perfectly clear yesterday

that we need people to sign up to the campus surgery.

The sooner we get those signatures on the dotted line, the sooner we can leave.

So cynical, Reid. You're beginning to sound like me.

What is all this?

It dawned on me yesterday... Embarrassing Bodies. Say what?

Students love that show, so why not do something inspired by it?

Students love taking drugs and skipping lectures.

Doesn't mean that we should encourage them.

I'm going to get a discreet consulting area

where I can take digital photos of their...

Yeah? ..revolting bits.

And then anybody who wants advice,

or wants to see the photos of the...revolting bits

has to sign up to the campus surgery first.

Yeah, you're right, it sounds incredibly discreet...!

Well, I've called in some favours. Are you sure this is ethical?

Bribing students to stare at each other's...genital abnormalities?

Since when have you worried about what's ethical?

Anyway, have you got a better idea?

Yes.

Yes, I have.

GIGGLING

I never said it was boring!

You watched 15 minutes!

So if you're not game for movies, what's next instead, huh?

I can show you, if you like...?

Wh-what you doing with your mouth?! What's...?

I want to have sex... Huh? ..with you.

It's on the list.

You're joking?! Thanks.

No, no, it's just... We're friends.

It's on the list because...

I'm a virgin. Don't laugh. I wouldn't dare.

I've had a bit of a...fumble with a couple of lads,

but nothing serious.

I know that makes me about as rare as the Letherbridge unicorn...

We've never...

I know you're not seeing anyone at the moment.

Not that that matters. I might not be around forever.

I know you're not gay.

I just want simple, uncomplicated sex.

Where's the harm?

Well, if you put it like that...

I don't bite.

No, no. Sorry, no. That can't happen. Sorry.

HE SIGHS Sorry. No.

I was up all night working on this new app.

Kapow! What does it do?

It helps you work out the impact on your body

of the alcohol you consume.

As I'm sure you know, alcohol is the biggest driver

of inappropriate teenage behaviour, including unplanned sex.

Are you sure inebriated students are going to be able to use your app?

I reckon I can get a tie-in with the student bar,

maybe even a little bit of sponsorship.

I've done a list of cocktails and promotions they've got going on over there.

Let me have a look.

Properly!

So, you've got your avatar, and then you customise that

with your own age, height, weight, gender.

As you enter your alcohol consumption, you get an instant idea

of the effect it's having on your brain function, liver damage, etc.

Oh! Your little man's just had his leg amputated...

It's fun, but educational.

And if people want the app, they have to sign up with the campus.

Now, they can do it here, but if they do it online

they get sent a link where they can download the app.

Seems an awful lot of hassle just to get a few signatures on a form!

Says you!

It's much cooler than some TV show.

And it's far less work for us.

Yes, well, it's not my idea of fun,

watching nerds play with their phones. No offence.

I'm not asking for your help.

Oh, we'll let the public decide, then, shall we? Bring it on.

Yes, well, speaking of which, let's get cracking.

You're smashing. You're lovely.

Drop dead gorgeous. Prob-probably.

But I've just never seen you as... girlfriend material.

I don't want a boyfriend I just want...sex.

Yeah, but I've known you for so long.

I've never seen you in that way.

Would it help if I stuck a paper bag over my head?

Now, that would be a whole new order of weird...

It's not like I've got...time to wait and see

if someone else comes into my life.

HE EXHALES

So you're really sure about this? I'm really, really sure.

Cos I don't want to make you worse, or, or hurt you.

I'm ill, I'm not made of china!

I've given this a lot of thought.

OK... Whoa! What you doing?

You're a bloke. You're designed to respond to visual stimuli...

Uh... Yeah, it's...

it's a nice bra. Is that the best you can do?

Give me a cuddle. What?

Give me a cuddle! Right. Yeah.

PHONE RINGS Oh, one second. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Yeah? I'm at the freshers' fair.

'I thought you said you weren't going anywhere near it this year?' Nah.

Listen, there's this woman doctor, yeah?

Quite fit, for her age. Doing some sort of sexual health thing.

'You would not believe what the guys reckon they're going to show her!'

I'm kind of busy... Dude! Seriously, haul your sorry ass down here!

I'm really sorry, but I need to go, I've got to go and see a mate.

If I don't go, he's bound to do something stupid... Oh. OK.

But I will get the Chinese on the way back, so...

Sure.

That queue's just ridiculous.

Hmm?

Yeah, you've made the right choice.

Is it going to take much longer?

The app has been tested on all major platforms.

It's not my fault you haven't updated your OS.

And...there you go.

It's crashed.

What, the app? No, the whole thing. It's frozen!

Give it here. I'll see if I can... Don't worry, mate.

I'll get one of the IT boffins to sort it out.

There you are! You've been keeping a low profile.

Well, you know, things to do.

Remind me again, why are we here?

If we're lucky, that fit doctor will be giving out free condoms.

Seeing as it's freshers' week, I might have to get a few packets.

You poor, deluded...

Oh, I emailed you some photos of the villa. Looks beautiful.

And don't forget, even at this time of year,

the babes in the south of France...

HE CHUCKLES

What? I'm just being honest.

So, have you got any, er, intimate problems to share with the doctor?

I'm only here because you told me to come.

You don't usually do what I say.

Well, it...seemed like a good opportunity. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, to talk to somebody.

You could talk to me. No way!

OK, well, try not to touch it but, in the meantime,

any other problems, just come to the surgery, all right?

Everything alright? It's nothing I can't handle,

preferably with a cattle prod.

Why? Have you offered to come and help? No. It's every doctor for himself, remember?

SHE SIGHS

It's taking ages to do the diagnoses and upload the photos.

I'll buy you your weight in ale...

Aha! If I thought for a second you meant that...

Anyway, I'm far too busy. Doing what?

Creating a splash online.

If you'd like to come through.

EQUIPMENT CLATTERS

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Ah! My knight in shining armour. Everything OK?

'Look, I've tried to phone the Mill, but, erm...'

You thought you'd come to me first? 'Well, no, but...'

Look, I don't suppose you're signing up lots of people to the campus surgery, are you? 'Hardly.'

Well, maybe we could do with a younger doctor down here.

I mean, you know what students are like. If you're over 20, they think you're ancient.

'And if you're 30, then you're pensionable.' I'm over 30!

'Oh... Yes, of course you are, sorry.' OK, yeah, I'm happy to help.

'Really?' I should be on my lunch break now anyway.

I'll head straight over...

Right, who's next?

How can I help? Well, I don't know, darling.

My...thing has seen so much action recently I'm surprised it hasn't fallen off.

Right. So, are you telling me that it's sore?

Well, I am a bit worried... Really?

..that it's so big it's affecting my centre of gravity.

GIGGLING

So there's actually nothing wrong with your penis at all?

Well... No, no. I'm happy to give you a full examination.

Come on. No, no, you're all right. I wouldn't want to put you out. Sure?

Right. Next?

Come on, come on.

What you doing?

This new app that Al's made for students, he's sent me the link.

Any good? Well...

right now, I'm just trying to fill my little man with booze

to see how quickly I can kill him, and...

Boom! Yes! Dead before his 30th birthday!

Isn't that a bit tasteless?

Well, it's...educational.

What's that?

Oh, that's all the other users.

There's quite a few for its first day. It's good.

I'm sorry about Jay. He can be such an idiot sometimes.

Is he a friend of yours? Yeah. Well...sort of.

Look, anything you want to say is in confidence...

OK. Erm...

I've had a proposal.

It's a bit embarrassing.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it, it just feels a bit...

weird. What is the proposal?

Well, it's sex. Obviously.

But it's the last person I expected to...

Look, would it help if you spoke to a male doctor?

I don't know. He's very nice, and he's an excellent listener.

Jimmi?

I thought you'd be in costume. Yes, very funny.

Erm, Jimmi, this is David.

I think he could do with a chat.

HOWARD SIGHS

What are you doing? You know me, boss. Working hard.

It doesn't look like that from where I'm standing.

No, I've developed this awesome new app.

If the students want it, they have to sign up as new patients.

Mmmm.

Didn't like the costumes?

Oh, no, we got some, er, bad feedback from the students.

They thought it was a bit patronising.

At least somebody's taken the initiative.

Initiative? She's just appealing to people's base instincts.

Well, whatever she's doing, it seems to be working.

Could you please spare some of your time and help reduce the queue?

No can do. I've got to fix this bug.

There's a time and a place. Get over there and give her a hand.

But once this app goes viral...Kapow! Alistair!

I was six or seven,

and her family were the first non-white people on our street.

I said I'd always look after her.

And you're still friends?

We went to school together, helped each other revise for GCSEs...

Even when we started going out with people, it didn't matter.

You're both at uni?

I am. But she's, erm, put it on hold for the moment.

She got ill a few months back.

No energy, sweating at night...

Turns out she has non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

OK. So you want to talk about your friend's condition?

Not really. Erm...

She's got this bucket list,

and there's one particular item on there...

Like, anything else, of course, I'd help. But...

What does she want to do?

She wants to have sex. OK.

With me. OK.

It just feels weird. Even thinking about it...

And I'm not even sure it would be safe. For her, I mean.

Well, she might find it tiring, but it's not going to do her any harm.

I'd recommend you use condoms, though.

Look, at the end of the day, it's your choice.

We're just here to give advice. I think that's the idea.

But I would say, try to look at it from Sukhi's angle.

She's going to feel vulnerable. Lonely, even.

Yeah, her mum died a few years back, and her dad's away a lot.

Right, so it's only natural that she's going to be craving intimacy.

Who better than with her best friend?

Yeah, I get all that.

And I have been giving it some thought. I guess that's why I'm here.

But I just don't think I can do it.

Why not?

Well, she's...she's ill.

Maybe dying.

It's just not very...

sexy. Does that sound shallow? No, it sounds honest.

Every morning,

I have to build myself up before I see her

so that I can be positive and optimistic,

because I have to be the strong one, right?

Well, she may be stronger than you think.

And it doesn't help that my mate wants me to go on holiday with him.

His parents are paying. Flights, accommodation, the lot.

He reckons I should forget about everything and recharge my batteries.

But it's right in the middle of Sukhi's chemo.

And I hate the fact that I'm even thinking about it.

But it is such a good opportunity.

So you've made your decision, then?

I think so.

Yes.

Mate, I seriously suggest you join some societies.

I got a snog off the girl from the Christian Society

and a free book from the History Society.

Or was it the other way round?

You're not interested in history. Or God.

I might be, one day.

You all right? You don't want to know.

Try me.

Sukhi has got this bucket list, right...

Yeah, yeah. She said.

I didn't know she'd told you. Yeah, she mentioned it.

She said she wanted to talk to me about you,

ask my advice on something.

I didn't think she'd talk to you about it.

Look, mate, I'm just following orders.

She told me, in no uncertain terms, to get you away from Letherbridge.

Ah. You're talking about the holiday.

Yeah, course I'm talking about the holiday.

What, she put you up to it?

Look, she called me up one day, out of the blue, and just said...

Wait a minute, what are you talking about?

No, it doesn't matter. No, come on, out with it!

I thought you were talking about something on her list. Yeah?

She wants to have sex with me.

And are you going to?

Going to what? Do the dirty? No, course I'm not!

Mate, most blokes would jump at the chance! I'm not most blokes.

Listen, I'm not saying anything with a pulse here.

I mean, I know she's sick and that, and I'm sorry,

but if she wants to, and you want to, then what's the problem?

I don't want to. That's the problem!

Well, if you're not up for it, maybe I should chance my arm?

What? She's a pretty fit bird, your mate Sukhi.

Sounds like she's gagging for it.

Yeah?

HE WINCES What the...?!

David? David?

Go and see Dr Reid, in there.

David?

What just happened in there?

I don't know.

Was it your mate? Did he say something?

No, it was nothing.

Was it about Sukhi?

Look, erm, I've got to get back to the surgery. Do you want a lift?

OK. Where shall I drop you?

OK, let me have a look.

No, I don't think that's broken.

I was just trying to do him a favour.

Are you saying you provoked him on purpose?

That's twice in two days. He's hit you before?

What? David? No.

Who, then?

Last night, some girl came up to me and she smacked me in the chops,

saying I'd given her some sort of... disease, or something.

And have you? No!

Well...

A couple of days ago, we both got absolutely munted at a party,

and, to be honest, I don't really know what happened.

All right. Well, look, do you mind if I examine you?

It's important we find out if you have contracted anything.

OK.

Listen, about earlier...

Don't worry about it. Just me being stupid.

No, you weren't. You...

Oh, I didn't realise this would be so difficult.

Come on. Out with it.

Jay's been hassling me about going on holiday with him.

And you've decided to go?

Well, he keeps on telling me I need a break.

Hmm. You've not been yourself the last few weeks.

I've worn you out. Don't be daft.

He's right though. Bit of sun'll do you good.

I'm always worried my pale English skin will blind the locals.

HE LAUGHS

I know that you asked Jay to arrange this.

I'm sure I'm meant to be looking after you.

Call it self-interest. You're no good to me if you're knackered!

I thought it was a bit odd.

Right at the start of term, even for a lazy prat like Jay...!

But you don't want me around for the chemo, do you?

SHE SIGHS

I told him not to tell you.

No, I kind of guessed.

I'm clever like that, you know.

You're still going, right?

I'm still going to be here when you get back.

Nah, I'm staying put.

It's time I manned up and was a proper friend.

When we were kids, I said I'd always protect you.

And nothing has changed, right?

SHE GIGGLES

Right, I'll send your swabs off to the lab,

and then they'll be able to phone you with the results.

But I need to take your number first. Sure.

And, if you have got chlamydia, that would explain your symptoms.

But I would advise that you go to a sexual health clinic.

They can give you a much wider range of tests,

and it's completely confidential.

I would advise you also take your partner.

She's not my partner. I think she was just taking pity on me.

Are you in the habit of having unprotected sex?

I'm not in the habit of having any sort of sex.

And how often can't you remember what happened the night before?

Well...How else do you measure a good night out, eh?

No, I know what you're going to say.

Oh, you do, do you?

"You drink too much, and you don't take life seriously."

What do you think?

I think I take life too seriously.

That's why I do this.

I just need to block it out, you know?

Sometimes it just feels like it's the easiest way to get through.

I'd like you to make an appointment to see me on Monday.

I'd like to talk to you some more, if that's all right?

Sure. Good.

I don't want you staying just out of sympathy.

What is so wrong with sympathy?

I worry about you all the time, but it's not a bad thing.

I just thought that it'd be easier with you out the way.

If my hair falls out, if I spend all my time throwing up...

I'll be around to help.

Hmm, well, maybe not for the vomiting bit, cos it makes me queasy,

but everything else.

Well, I look forward to making your life a misery.

Oh...

..and don't worry about this.

There.

A job well done.

I think the students are retreating to their natural environment...

the pub.

Right, the scores on the doors...

Emma has managed to sign up just shy of 500. Wow.

And Doctor Al Haskey...

eight.

EMMA GIGGLES

See? That's what happens when you appeal to someone's base instinct.

Eight.

KAREN EXHALES

COMPUTER BLEEPS

No, no, no!

You... Don't do this to me!

COMPUTER BLEEPS

It took me ages to do that!

Computers are down!

I know!

I'll sort it out!

Want to help me get to the end of Mass Effect 3?

I'm told it's a bit...controversial.

HE LAUGHS

I think I've got a better idea.

Hmm?

Thanks, Karen. I'll get on to it.

Problem?

Yeah, you could say that.

Our IT systems have crashed.

Both surgeries. Oh, and the website.

You're sharing the infrastructure. I've said it a thousand times,

you're just asking for an accident to happen.

47,000 people have tried to sign up to the surgery.

47,000?!

HE GASPS

Haskey wins in a landslide!

47,000, most of whom are not even resident in the UK,

never mind Letherbridge.

So, unless you're thinking on extending the practice to most of the known world...

I don't know why you're getting so angry.

In a way, I've done you a favour. What?

Well, I've stress-tested your IT systems.

Let's hope this is easily fixed. Of course it will be.

It'll be a matter of turning the switch off and on again.

How difficult can that be? It's easy to make a mistake

when it's not your responsibility to clean it up.

Doctor Reid, 500.

Doctor Al Haskey, 47,008!

36 Calton Street has too many terrible memories.

We can't let this woman open that house up.

You didn't grow up round here. You wouldn't know that two girls

were murdered in that house and buried in the cellar.

I really appreciate you helping me get the word out.

You never forget how important this is.

Ooh. The House of Horrors indeed.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd