The Eggs Doctors

I'd like to register with the Mill.

No problem, I need to get some details from you first.

One of us needs nursing care.

Can we get a house call from one of the nurses?

It's probably best you come in and register with us first.

Oh, she can't come in. She can't leave the house.

OK. Sorry to hear that. What's wrong with her?

That's not a problem.

Morning! Oh, morning. All right.

Could you snap out of it? I'm fine.

I'm going to pick up some stuff, then I'm going to the campus,

so not only do you not have to tell me anything,

you don't have to see me either.

One day, some very clever person will invent a switch

that turns parents off, and they'll get filthy rich off it.

And we won't begrudge them a penny. Sign me up for one.

I can see my get-rich-quick plan taking shape.

Couldn't agree more. I'll report these to security

and get them taken down. Are you still coming to see...?

She's a bit vague on details. She's not been with us before.

She lives nearby? Yeah. Anyway, she wants to see a nurse.

Who fancies it? What, you're going to bribe us with a 10p piece?

Toss. Heads or tails?

Tails.

Aw!

Don't forget to take a registration form.

Please don't come back without it.

Thank you!

I usually see the guys.

Right, well, today you're seeing one of the girls.

I see you've had five consultations in the last year.

I've been slaving over a hot laptop, working up a proposal.

My finger hurts when I type.

Can you describe the pain?

Tingling, jagged, then numb sometimes too.

See, I had to stop.

I have a meeting with my tutor today,

to submit my dissertation proposal.

I need a note for the department.

A fit note?

Just... I can't finish it on time now.

It's really too painful to type.

Right.

You've had fit notes before for migraine and RSI...

The work's coming thick and fast. There's always something due in.

PHONE RINGS

I can't talk. I'll call you back.

Hi, Vanessa. I'm Nurse Mandy Marquez from the Mill. Oh, hi.

Yeah. Come in.

First things first, you need to fill in this.

The NHS loves its forms!

JESS SINGS ALONG TO MUSIC Jess? Jess, love?

# The way you smile at... #

Mum!

Hi, Jess. I'm Mandy. I'm a nurse.

And I've got a confession to make.

I love One Direction too.

So, you've been ill?

I...I get these sores.

OK, I'll have a look.

And you can tell me more about your music, OK?

PHONE RINGS

Dr Reid.

Hi, I'm Amy Carslaw, Carol Butcher's personal tutor.

Carol's just forwarded a sick note from you.

It's a fit note, but yes.

How serious do you think this is? Is she really in pain?

Sorry, I can't discuss that.

It's just, she's had quite a few notes from your practice.

As I said, patient confidentiality. Is there anything else?

No. Thank you.

And Mum gets me loads of DVDs to watch too.

I've got Twilight, all of them, Harry Potter...

All of them?

MANDY LAUGHS

Titanic. Leonardo's lush.

Not my type.

Mum saw it loads when it came out.

I watched it loads more times than Mum. How many?

32. Wow! Do you watch it with your mates?

I've got that form. Thank you.

Vanessa, Jess is suffering from intertrigo and pressure sores.

I'm not saying that you don't,

but her sheets need changing regularly to prevent infection.

I do change them, every day.

OK.

Right, I need to go and make a quick phone call.

PHONE RINGS

Mandy?

'That house call, it's...more complicated than I thought.

'Look, I've got some patients coming in 45 minutes.

'Any chance you could deal with them while I sort this out?' Erm...

Yeah, yeah. I should be able to.

'You're a star!' OK.

'I'll see you later.' All right.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Come in.

Nurse Reid, do not forget about your appointment with Dr Carter later...

I'm hardly going to forget, am I?

Wait. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...

I'm going to have to reschedule. Mandy's stuck on a house call.

Dr Reid. I'm Amy Carslaw.

I called you earlier about one of my students, Carol Butcher. Oh.

Carol's studying a joint honours in women's studies, where I teach, and psychology.

The dates of her medical extensions and approved absences

correspond exactly to when major coursework was due.

Many students would argue that there's always major coursework due.

And they have a fair point.

And you've spoken to her about this?

I saw Carol pulling these off lamp posts

and notice boards around campus.

Adult entertainment. A stripper.

I called that number.

I wanted to warn her about advertising her wares on campus.

Carol answered.

The one piece of work that Carol aced this year

was an essay on men who frequent strip clubs.

It was insightful, thought out, it felt authentically researched.

She didn't get it out of books.

I think Carol is this Bree.

Then why would she tear down her own flyers?

Maybe she didn't put them up.

Maybe the university is too close to home.

She'd be recognised.

I need to make sure that these medical conditions are real.

Her studies are suffering.

I'm afraid I cannot give you access to Carol's history

or her medical records.

Look, I'm trying to help you out.

If it turns out your practice has been dishing out fit notes

without proper investigation, there could be serious consequences.

We do not "dish out" fit notes.

I'm concerned, Vanessa. The pressure sores look infected.

I'll do what I can, but.... I try to keep them clean,

but it's hard to do that and support her weight.

Maybe you should've got some help.

Don't worry. It's all fixable.

You're so much nicer than the others.

What others?

Mum!

Does she never have friends come round?

The girls at her school, they weren't nice to her.

PHONE RINGS

The Mill Health Centre. Mrs Tembe, it's Emma.

'Dr Reid.' Is Jimmi there?

I'm afraid he is with a patient.

Is there another doctor who can help you?

'Who's free?'

Well, Dr Carmichael is with me.

Emma? Problem?

No...

Yes.

Which?

There's a patient, a student.

Her tutor thinks she's been using us to get fit notes

because she's behind on her coursework.

She's doing women's studies. The tutor thinks she's fallen behind

'because she's a stripper.' What do you think?

Well, her tutor's definitely one of the sisterhood.

Stripping offends her, really offends her.

It offends me, but that's more to do with the inadequate little boys in the audience.

This tutor, is she a joyless feminazi?

Probably. She thinks we've been dishing out fit notes like sweets

and she is just the type to kick up a stink.

OK, you get in there,

and you make damn sure that there is no possibility of any allegations

that we've been anything less than thorough at this practice.

Whenever I'm in this position,

I make damn sure the patient is actually ill.

So do I.

Look, I'm sure it'll be fine.

You need to make absolutely sure. Just deal with it.

SHE SIGHS

VOICE ECHOES: It was about this time last year

and my mum was going on and...

VOICE FADES

It's all starting again!

I'm so, so sorry. Erm...

Sorry, I wasn't feeling too hot there for a second.

It's my blood sugar.

Will you start again for me, please?

Yeah, I remember her. Pretty, very pretty. And she knew it.

You must see lots of pretty girls at the campus. Why did she stick out?

The pretty ones are usually self-absorbed. But she was...

..present.

She was flirting with you?

Did you do any further investigations into her health?

What did I give her the note for?

RSI. Then what's there to investigate?

If the patient gives us a case history,

I'm not going to call her a liar, am I?

Did you investigate this morning?

Howard would hit the roof if we did that every time.

That's pretty much what Al said.

Oh! You got them?

Yeah. Have you seen Chris?

He saw out his last patient, then he went back to the nurse's room.

It's locked. Can you get him to phone me? It's important.

Yes, of course.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

MRS TEMBE: Nurse Reid?

MORE KNOCKING

So if you carry on twice a day, that should take care of it. Thank you.

It's a pleasure. Oh, sorry.

Nurse Reid has cancelled his appointment.

Hopefully, that means his problem has gone away.

Something is troubling him. Something he is not dealing with.

Well, you can lead a horse to water... Indeed.

But sometimes a tidal wave will find the horse. No?

If Mohammed will not come to the mountain...

Does that mean I'm a tidal wave mountain?

I have seen the awesome might of the tidal wave

and the righteousness of the mountain in you.

Where's this going?

Yep. I've still got papers to mark.

But once they're done, I'll e-mail the marks through.

Sorry, I didn't catch that.

Yep.

What have you told her?!

It's OK.

Amy Carslaw. You call me,

then she left a message that she wants to talk about my sick note. What have you said to her?

She came to see me.

She thinks there's a link between your illnesses and your coursework.

The same day you give me a hard time about it.

I did not give you a hard time and I didn't say anything to her.

She's had gallstones and taken medication for it,

sleep apnoea, the fungal skin problems.

I'm at my wit's end. I mean, I can't remember the last time

she was just a normal girl without any health problems.

Well, basically, that's all weight-related.

I tried every diet. Nothing works.

Some people are just big, aren't they?

Glands or genes...

Look at me, I'm not exactly a size zero.

Vanessa, you have to take responsibility.

If we can get her weight down, she'll be more mobile,

get her out of her bed,

and the pressure sores and intertrigo will improve massively.

But I don't know what to do.

You wouldn't believe how little she eats.

What she eats and how much she exercises are much more important.

Let's see if we can come up with something that works.

Get all the information about the diets you've tried so far.

We'll go through, and...

We will help Jess, OK?

Why couldn't the other doctors and nurses be like you?

You're so positive.

Well, you know, I keep telling my manager I need a pay rise

but he never listens!

I could do with a cuppa. You?

Mmm. Tea. Three sugars.

Well, I never said I was perfect!

You think I'm a stripper?! Well? Are you?

What business is it of ours?

If it affects her studies, then yes, I have to ask.

Nothing is affecting my studies.

So what's your dissertation topic?

So, you still haven't chosen one. And your marks have dipped.

PHONE RINGS

Can you tell her I'm with a patient?

The university would be sympathetic.

Yeah, right(!) They're a bunch of unreconstructed old boys.

They won't be happy about students stripping. Bad publicity.

You're right, they're Neanderthals.

Which is why you could do with some friends in the Women's Studies department fighting your corner.

I could be your friend, but you have to be honest.

Full disclosure.

I'm not a stripper. I'm not a sex worker. Happy?

Then why are you answering a stripper's phone?

You've got all the sick notes! What's the problem?

But will they stand up to scrutiny?

I'm sorry, are you accusing me of being unprofessional?

PHONE RINGS

I've said I'm with a patient.

What? Hang on.

There's someone to see you. Bree?

That was the name on the flyer.

Come in. Any more problems, just pop yourself straight back to see me.

You missed your appointment.

I had to cover for Mandy.

I'm free now, if you are.

I know seeing a colleague can be a bit awkward.

I take it you don't want to see your old GP? No.

We medical professionals can make the worst patients.

If you're having second thoughts about me, I quite understand.

I could always refer you to Zara.

And yes, that is a threat.

Heston!

Cheers.

You must be hungry.

Mum! Back in a second.

Come on, we're going to be late. Carol, do not walk out on this.

If this goes any further... Is she the one hassling you? Uh...

And who are you?

My...my friend.

She...

I, um...

It's fine. We get it.

Let's go. Is this you?

Yes. Problem?

Were you flyposting for your stripper girlfriend on campus?

No! I put them up.

I really don't care what you think of me.

We need to go to Leeds.

We're not done. We are.

You lied to Dr Reid to get excused from coursework.

That is not what I said.

This Leeds thing you're rushing off to - stripping?

I will make this official.

And what's your alternative career plan? Diplomacy?

I'm trying to educate young women into standing up for themselves

and losing a student to...

This goes against everything I teach.

Is it something I won't have dealt with before?

It's probably not as bad as you think.

I've got a lump. On my testicle.

I first noticed it a few weeks ago.

OK. I should examine it. Have a seat.

Any pain when you pass water?

Uh, no.

Left or right?

It's the left.

The sinistrum.

Is there a problem?

No, I'm just hoping Mrs Tembe doesn't burst in.

My mum's granddad died of testicular cancer.

I know what's going to happen.

I mean, I deserve it, I mean...

I just hope I can deal with it as well as my dad.

You're getting ahead of yourself.

OK, there is a lump.

And a family history of testicular cancer can be significant.

But it's much more likely to be a varicocele or an epididymal cyst.

Why do you think you deserve it?

My dad.

Sorry I asked.

What?

I can't run away from this.

If Leeds goes well, I'll get loads of work.

And she'll try to get me kicked out.

So what? We don't need them.

I put two years into this degree!

I actually believe in what I'm doing.

That's more important than one poxy show.

I can't just throw it away.

Give me the keys. I'll go do the show on my own.

You sort them out. No! I'm not letting you go on your own.

Why not?

I...just can't.

Come back with me. Please?

Just putting me cup in the sink, Vanessa.

What are you doing?

Just wanted to see what Jess's diet was like.

Let me guess. Fried, not scrambled?

That's not a big lunch. I mean, she's just had a sandwich.

Is that all for her? I'd struggle to eat that!

And I've got an appetite!

Fresh fruit, veg...

Have you got any?

Oh, Vanessa...

I've got to be honest, Jess's diet is terrible.

That's where we start. But that's what she likes.

But it's not good for her. And you have responsibilities.

But she's not been well. She needs to keep up her strength.

It's a vicious circle.

She's not well because she eats so much and so badly

and she doesn't do any exercise.

But we can deal with this... You think I'm a bad mother.

I AM a feminist.

Facilitating sex work? You've got a funny way of showing it.

Carol, give me the keys. You don't need me to deal with this.

OK, I'm not a feminist like you are, but...

I fell in love with Bree.

She's the opposite of everything I believe in,

but you can't choose who you fall in love with.

And don't ever call me a sex worker. I'm a dancer.

What you do degrades women.

You know nothing about what I do.

The blokes can only look, nothing more. Carol's always there.

She even takes my bookings.

Why are you always there?

The men, they hit on her, all the time, leering at her.

Isn't leering the point?

Bree, you were doing this before you two met? Yeah.

And if the blokes cross the line, the bouncers kick them out.

And when it's the bouncers?

I'm not a relationship counsellor, but if it makes you so anxious...?

I...

I need the eggs. What?

It's an old Woody Allen joke.

Oh...him.

A woman goes to a doctor and says, "My husband thinks he's a chicken."

The doctor says, "Have you ever thought of having him sectioned?"

And she says, "No. I need the eggs."

Carol doesn't like what Bree does, but...

Not the "degrading women" garbage again.

But that isn't the reason Carol isn't happy, is it?

Are you scared that she won't come back to you one night?

Something like that.

And yeah, I hate seeing her with those guys.

But at least I...

I know what's going on.

You're jealous?

That's not the point. You're doing a degree in women's studies.

Women everywhere have to live with being seen as sex objects

because places like these, dancers like...

They give men a warped view of female sexuality.

Oh, shut up!

You've already given yourselves the solution. What solution?

Being with you gives Carol an insight into a world

that as an academic she would never normally see.

When life gives you a lemon, make lemonade.

Make this your thing. Make this your dissertation subject.

Study Bree and her work.

I'm not a lab rat.

Look, Carol is suffering

because two of the most important things in her life,

you and her studies, are out of sync.

This brings them into sync. It's a win-win.

It has its merits.

But it's not going to work unless you're committed.

I love her. So...

Yeah, whatever it takes to make her happy.

All right. I'm in.

So, can we go?

Great. That's a solution for everybody. Agreed?

The jealousy, well, you'll have to work that one out between yourselves.

I really don't want my mum to know about this.

I don't think she'd be able to cope, what with everything that's happened.

Even if it is testicular cancer, it is treatable.

Now, I'm going to book you in for an ultrasound.

I'm sure it'll be fine,

but it may take a week before you get a scan.

Yeah, course it will.

Relax. It's going to be OK.

Thank you, Heston.

Come on, we're already late.

What?

You've never said you loved me before.

You know I love you.

But you never said it. That's why I was...

Why you were jealous?

I love you so much.

Now drive.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Vanessa?

MORE KNOCKING

I'm not judging, OK, but you can make some better decisions.

Just let me in, please.

Look, I know I've mucked up. But she's my baby.

She's all I've got.

I just want her to be happy.

I can't say no to her.

Look, you are not alone.

I'm here to help. And there's lots we can do, but...

I need to look at history. I need to speak to Jess's old practice.

Please, don't do that. I've got to.

I need to know what they did for Jess.

There's no point in us doing the same thing as them.

They're evil. Inhuman. They grassed us up to social services

and now them and the social workers want to take Jess away.

We just want someone on our side.

Please, Mandy, can you help us?

You know that patient, Jess? She's 14 and she's morbidly obese.

You are late! I'm locked out of the house.

No... You think this is funny, do you? How old are you?

They want me to live away from Mum in case I die.

I can't believe you.

For a moment, I actually thought you were a decent human being.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd