Have-Nots Doctors

BIRDS SING

HE GROANS

"He's so masculine. He's got muscles in all the right places.

"Phil. Philip. I've always liked that name.

"He WILL ring today. I know he will."

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Ms Barlow? Ms Barlow? It's the bailiffs. We know you're there.

MUSIC: "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood

SHE PANTS

What are you doing?!

-BREATHLESS:

-I'm... I'm getting in shape! You should.

-I don't think so.

-You should!

Get fit for the Christmas parties!

I've got all this flab, it's disgusting.

Look, I've got to go to work...

I've got to ask you something important.

You haven't been reading my journal, have you?

You shouldn't. It's got some very important and personal thoughts

and feelings about my life.

OK. I'll continue to not read your journal then.

Have you looked at that wiki site yet?

No, I've been too busy. It's, erm, boring stuff from boring people.

Not necessarily.

What do you mean?

There is only one way to find out. I've gotta go.

Have a nice day, yeah?

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Clare. Can you come into the office, quick chat?

OK. I'll just finish putting these out.

All right, yeah.

-SANTA DOLL:

-Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas!

COLLEAGUES GIGGLE

That's better. Bit of festive spirit!

I'll see you in a couple of minutes.

-You wanted to see me.

-Yeah, sit down.

You can take the hat off in here.

OK. You've completed the two-week work experience.

Unfortunately...we, erm...

We aren't able to offer you a permanent position.

I was promised a job.

Not promised, no.

The understanding is you do the two-week trial period...

Work for nothing.

The TRIAL period - which is unpaid, yeah -

then you could graduate to paid employment.

But in this case, there just isn't a job to give you.

I can't offer you any hours at all.

But they're stopping my benefits.

I've had the bailiffs round, I'm going to lose my flat...

The whole company is having to cut back.

I may even have to make some real employees redundant.

Real employees? They're kids. They haven't got a clue.

I work harder than all of them!

Yeah, well, that's partly the problem.

Older employees, like yourself...

I'm 38!

And as such you're very expensive to employ.

Someone just out of school, 16 or 17, is cheaper.

Plus, the skills you had in the army -

blowing things up or whatever...

I did not blow things up.

There isn't a place for you in the Brilliant Bargains family.

I'm sorry.

Then I want paying for the work I've done.

Clare, you signed a contract.

You agreed to work the trial period unpaid on the hope,

not the guarantee, that you would then move to paid employment.

You agreed to the terms. Even if you took us to court, you couldn't win.

Look, I'll write you a reference. A good reference.

I'm sure you'll find something soon.

Tell you what. Have some chocolate.

It always makes me feel better. Free gift.

After all, it is Christmas.

SHE SIGHS

-To be honest, I'm not happy with this either.

-No?

It doesn't work. Taking on the long-term unemployed.

Most of them are unemployable.

Depressed or alcoholic or whatever.

Or just plain skivers.

People like that are a liability!

OK.

Oh, flaming Ada!

Oh...

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Al. It's me, Karen.

Oh, hi. How's the house?

Erm...have you got any decorations?

Christmas decorations?

-Obviously!

-Well, I haven't got any.

Why not?

I don't celebrate Christmas.

Al, you are so sad!

Karen, I have to get back to work.

There's been another outbreak of hypochondria.

Then you should be grateful for me calling.

Take your mind off the moany patients with their

boring problems.

SHE GASPS

I've got a really brilliant idea.

-What?

-I'm going to buy decorations. I've got loads of money.

And I'll put them up and turn the house into a Christmas grotto!

Yeah, I quite like it how it is...

I'm trying to do something nice for you, letting me stay.

That's very sweet of you. Just, er, don't go mad.

I won't! I'm going to take care of everything.

All right, see you later.

Excuse me, love, where are your razors, please?

-Just down there.

-Thanks.

Natalie, can you put them singing baubles out?

They're our top sellers.

Paul, I want you to stay on Christmas trees.

Clare, you have to give that uniform back...

What are you doing?!

-Give me your keys, Elaine.

-What? No!

Give me your keys, Elaine!

Please, d...

Shut up! Against the wall - all of you.

Matt.

Get their phones. Everyone, phones off, in the basket.

Do it now!

7244 to Control.

RADIO STATIC

Urgent assistance with an armed response unit required

at Brilliant Bargains, in Shopping City. IC-1 female threatening staff

-with a gun.

-You won't get given a job by threatening everyone...

I said SHUT UP!

-Police is on their way.

-No, they're not. Don't lie to me.

Yes, they are! Matt's called them.

There's a panic alarm, police will be here in minutes!

And armed officers, SWAT teams - everyone!

Don't make me laugh. There isn't a panic alarm.

Brilliant Bargains does EVERYTHING on the cheap.

You think they care about protecting the staff?!

I can do what I like.

And no-one's coming to help you.

What do you want? If it's money...

I wanted a job. I wanted some respect!

I've fought for my country.

All of you accept, sell rubbish to people

who can't afford anything else!

And YOU think you're better than me?

It's too late now.

SANTA DOLL: Merry Christmas!

MUSIC: "Merry Xmas Everybody" by Slade plays

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Is that Karen?

Speaking. Who is this?

Phil, from last night. In the pub?

-Phil!

-How are doing, darling, all right? What you up to?

Erm, I'm... I'm just putting the decorations up.

-Superb. Listen, have you had lunch?

-No.

I'm in town on business. Want to meet up?

Yeah. I'll come to you! W-Where are you?

The pub we met in last night, you remember it?

Yeah! I wasn't that drunk.

About half an hour?

That'd be brilliant! Thanks for ringing, Phil.

I mean, I knew you would.

I've been thinking about you and...

See you in a bit, OK?

OK, OK. Bye.

Yes!

SHE SIGHS

You see? The police have been called.

Actually, I was just in here shopping.

But I have called for back up. Armed response is on its way.

You're lying.

Why wouldn't I?

-Clare, why are you doing this?

-Cos of her.

She called us a skiver!

-I didn't mean you, specifically...

-Shut up!

But what do you achieve by shooting your fellow employees?

They're not my fellow employees. They wouldn't even give me a job!

OK, yeah. You know, you probably could

keep us all at gunpoint, but it's tricky.

Keeping tabs on one, two, three,

four, five, six, seven... eight of us.

SANTA TOY PLAYS CHRISTMAS CAROL

You're right.

Everyone else, go in the stockroom. You lock them in.

There's one condition.

-What's that?

-You take their place.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's OK.

MUSIC: "Let's Dance" by David Bowie

Now give me the keys.

Go and stand over there.

You don't mind if I...?

CHRISTMAS CAROL CONTINUES

CHRISTMAS CAROL STOPS

That's better, Clare. You don't mind if I call you Clare?

I'm Sergeant Rob Hollins.

-I know what you're trying to do.

-What's that?

-Build a rapport.

And the way you do that, Rob, is by using my name a lot, Rob.

Making out you're my friend.

Getting me to see you as a human being, all that.

Ah, well. It was worth a try.

Take the weight off.

SIREN WAILS

There's your colleagues. Armed officers won't be far behind.

And a negotiator, of course.

Weren't in the SAS, were you?

Regular army. But I know how it works. They'll wait.

They won't bust in here, not as long as I have a hostage and the gun.

They won't dare, in case I shoot you.

So it'll be a siege.

And the less of a target I am, the better.

They'll try and talk to you.

Find anyone who knows you, and get them to talk to you.

Good luck with that.

-There's no-one who knows me.

-No family?

I said no-one.

I thought I was having a bad Christmas.

-Hello.

-Hello, you. You're looking gorgeous.

-What do you want to drink?

-Can I have a Babycham, please?

-LAUGHING:

-Babycham?!

They don't make them any more, do they? Can I have a Chardonnay?

I like fine wine. I've got money, so...

Put it away. I'm paying.

You're a gentleman.

Are you going to take that coat off, or aren't you staying?

-Where'd you serve?

-Everywhere.

Iraq, Afghanistan, Kosovo,

ex-Yugoslavia - no-one remembers that.

-You're still trying to do it.

-Doing what?

Bond with me.

Unless I'm genuinely interested. Why did you leave?

I'd had enough. Done it long enough.

There was someone, same regiment.

We were going to be discharged together.

Go and run a pub in Cornwall.

He stepped on an IED.

I'm sorry.

If he'd lost his legs, or gone blind, anything...

I'd have stayed and looked after him, but...

there was nothing.

He was blown to bits.

Bringing the body back home, there was hardly enough

to go in a Jiffy bag.

I couldn't stay after that. I'd have been a liability. So...

So just in case you think I'm not really going to do this...

I could.

It doesn't matter what I do.

I could kill them all. And you. And myself.

I've nothing left to lose.

Really? Never married?

Nope. Footloose and fancy-free.

I am now. I was married but it was the biggest mistake I ever made.

You don't look old enough to be married.

That was the problem, I wasn't!

Have you seen the film Educating Rita?

-No.

-It's got Julie Walters in it.

She wants to go back to university, to try and find herself,

but her husband doesn't want her to, he's horrible.

So she leaves him. It's a brilliant film.

And that's me.

So now you think it's time to have some adventures?

Do something outrageous?

What's the most outrageous thing you've done?

-Streaked through Manchester Piccadilly.

-No?! Really?!

-To adventures.

-Yeah!

Let's get you another drink. Same again?

What about you? Bet you've done some outrageous stuff already.

Have you ever fancied somebody that you shouldn't?

-Haven't we all?

-No, I mean REALLY shouldn't.

Friend of mine, she met this bloke...

Wake up, there's people dying of thirst here!

And anyway...

Don't worry about it, love.

OK, I won't!

"Clare Barlow."

I know your name.

You were in the paper, you were on television.

You won a medal.

For bravery. So what?

What did you do to get it?

Rescued a little girl from a snipers' alley.

That's not brave. I wasn't doing it to be brave.

You just do it cos it needs doing.

-You understand that, or you wouldn't be here.

-Yeah, I do.

Anyway, it doesn't make a difference.

It did to the little girl.

Maybe.

But you know what?

In civvy street, no-one gives a toss.

I do.

It doesn't get me a job, or a place to live.

I'm going to be on the streets by New Year.

The home for old soldiers.

And that is wrong.

You were brave.

No matter what you think, you were brave.

But that's why I don't get it.

You don't seem like the sort of person who'd point

a gun at women and teenagers.

You say you've nothing to lose, but you have.

-Like what?

-Pride.

Self-respect. Cos you're not a criminal.

I should know, I've met enough of them.

You're not a murderer. This isn't you.

It is now.

So you kill someone, spend the rest of your life in prison?

And if I don't? You think, even if I

give myself up now, I'd just get a telling-off?

No. Of course not, you'd be in trouble. Serious trouble.

But you put the gun down on your own accord

and that would really count in your favour.

It's too late.

It's not too late.

It was too late the moment I walked in with a gun.

You can't go back from that.

-Only way I'm getting out of here is in a body bag.

-No.

No, you're wrong. There is another way.

You give me the gun, and we walk out of here.

Yeah(!) Into a hail of bullets.

-Not if I stand in front of you.

-A human shield?

-You'd do that?

-(Yeah, I would.)

I don't want you getting shot.

That would be such a waste,

because you are too good for that.

I'll protect you. That's my job - serve and protect.

So...please, Clare, just...

..let me do my job.

-It's a big risk.

-Come on.

This place sucks. Let me buy you a drink.

I really wish we could.

Maybe one day.

But we can walk out of here.

Oh, please, Clare.

Give me the gun.

SHE LAUGHS

You know what? You know what? It's not even loaded.

I just wanted to scare them.

So take it. Knock yourself out.

GLASS SMASHES

-ARMED POLICE, ARMED POLICE!

-No!

-PUT THE GUN DOWN, PUT THE...

HE LAUGHS

-Oops!

-What are you like?

-I'm not used to drinking at lunchtime!

-I can tell.

I'd better give you a lift home, and make you some coffee.

I think I prefer older men.

What you doing with me then?

SHE CHUCKLES

-You're daft as a brush, you. Get in.

-HE SPANKS HER

MUSIC: "I Can't Pretend" by Tom Odell

There he is. He's a hero!

He saved all our lives.

THEY APPLAUD

Look at this, Phil, I decorated it all myself.

Look? It's fibre-optic.

Isn't it beautiful?

Come here.

-Oh!

-Karen, mmm. You're lovely.

-Erm, wait!

-Beautiful woman.

Mistletoe.

-Mistletoe.

-It's romantic.

Yeah.

How are you feeling?

You've had a shock. You should go home, take it easy.

Yeah, some chance.

Doctor's orders.

-Do you know how Clare is?

-The shooter?

Except she wasn't.

She's in hospital. Stable as far as I know.

Suppose she'll go straight from there to remand.

-It isn't right.

-What do you suggest?

We let her go?

The way we treat ex-armed forces.

And she wouldn't have shot anyone.

She shouldn't wave a gun around then, should she?

You can't do that then complain when someone shoots you,

even if it was by accident.

Rob, you didn't know the gun wasn't loaded.

What you did was... Putting your life at risk like that...

-..was extremely brave.

-No, it wasn't.

I wasn't being brave.

I just don't care what happens to me.

Well, a lot of other people do.

-That was wonderful.

-For me too.

Don't go, Phil. Stay the night. My housemate won't mind.

He won't be back for hours.

And I've got some Baileys downstairs.

Sweetheart, I'd love to.

But I've got a really early start in the morning.

I'm speaking at a sales conference in Wolverhampton.

I've got to get my beauty sleep and work on my PowerPoint.

-We'll see each other again?

-Yeah!

I'll check the diary and I'll call you tomorrow.

-Bye, lover.

-Take care.

HE RUNS DOWNSTAIRS

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

"Me and Phil made love for the first time today."

HE SOBS

"He's so strong and powerful and tender

"and sensitive, and soooo dead sexy!

"We're right together, we're soul mates. It was meant.

"And we've got together just in time for the holidays.

"This is going to be the best Christmas EVER."

SHE UNDERLINES "EVER"

-Do you know who I am?

-A prat in a hat?

Uglies!

"Cinders, what's the matter with you?

"My breakfast in bed is long overdue."

Do you have a sense of humour?

I have spent my morning dealing with potentially hazardous situations.

If my scene change isn't to your satisfaction, why don't you do it?

With or without the bloomers.

If I cannot speak, then may I kiss your...?

SHE LAUGHS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd