One Man's Trash Doctors

Excuse me.

Yes, you.

Over here.

We have a litter situation.

Hang on. You need to pick that lot up.

-No, I don't.

-You are a cleaner?

External spaces are the groundsman's job.

I'm just asking you to pick up a few bottles!

Like I said.

Do you know who I am?!

A prat in a hat.

What's going on?

Blatant noncompliance.

I ask a cleaner to clean up, only to be met with abuse.

Hey! What about these?!

Consider yourself reported!

What do you think you're doing?!

Check out the label.

It's a joke, Barry.

PHONE BEEPS

-'Hello, this is Bill Abbot...'

-Hi.

-'..sorry I can't take your call

'but please leave a message after the tone.'

Hi, It's me, Karen.

Yesterday was wonderful.

Would you fancy doing it again?

Lunch or dinner

or something else - food doesn't have to be involved.

We could... I don't know, clubbing?

That's always good, I'm always up for a boogie.

So... Well, you've got my number. Call me. Bye. Bye-bye.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! All right, move back.

Is this yours?

Step away from the cracker.

You three, clear the area.

Base, this is Barry. Over.

STATIC CRACKLES

HE TUTS

Base, this is Barry. Please respond. Over.

HE SIGHS

RINGTONE: BRASS VERSION OF THE SWEENEY THEME

Barry.

I have an emergency situation.

So call the station number. Don't use my personal mobile!

'I've told you that before.'

I have a suspicious package at Letherbridge University.

-Could you alert the bomb squad?

-What?!

There is a potentially explosive device on campus.

I'm in the process of evacuating the area.

We need to deploy EOD personnel.

Oi, you lot! Keep it down!

Right, OK. You'd better give me some details.

It's approximately 18 inches in diameter and six feet in length.

What, a massive pipe bomb?

Erm...

It's more, er, cracker-shaped.

Barry...

is it a cracker?

Yes.

So you've got something that's shaped like a Christmas cracker

'and it's Christmas.'

You have to take this seriously. There could be anything inside it.

My money's on a paper hat but, all right, I'll send a panda car over.

No!

CRACKER POPS

You could be dead!

OK, gather round.

Oh, isn't it wonderful?

Colleagues, friends, I know we've had a long and taxing week.

Very taxing.

And, yes, we've endured many hardships.

CLATTERING

Any chance of a hand?

Bucket's in the back.

All in good time, Howard. Where was I?

-Hardships.

-Yes, we've endured many hardships,

and, yes, we have had our disagreements.

If you're giving a team talk,

shouldn't you wait for the rest of the team?

I will address the latecomers...later. Mandy.

Sorry!

We've had our disagreements but, with a fair wind,

we have a chance of not just of being marvellous but of restoring

a sense of history and Britishness to the pantomime tradition.

There's me thinking it was a bit of fun for the kids.

We are on the brink of something extraordinary here.

When we step out onto this stage tomorrow night

we have the opportunity of showing what we're capable of.

We few. We happy few. We band of brothers(!)

But it is imperative, Al,

that we iron out any issues in today's dress rehearsal.

So, costumes.

Heston, I just wanted to say I won't let you down.

That's the spirit. Mandy, can you set the stage for act one?

We don't have Mrs Tembe so we're skipping the prologue.

I'm going as fast as I can!

Just to let you know I've made a change to my dialogue, here.

-Change it back.

-Yeah, it's bad English.

-Bad English?

-Hm.

-My language skills are impeccable.

I have checked every reference, every word, every syllable.

Yeah, but it's not funny.

Do you have a sense of humour?

I have spent my morning dealing with potentially hazardous situations.

There is nothing amusing about this.

Oh, there's been more than one situation?

Yeah, somebody left empty bottles on the footpath.

Oh!

They appeared empty, Dr Tyler.

What's to say they didn't contain sarin gas, or anthrax spores?

It was clearly a joke.

Someone had written "bowl me over" on the labels

and there was a ball made out of bottle tops.

It sounds like a silly prank.

Or a clever ruse to lull the public into a false sense of security.

So are you going to tell us what was in the cracker?

-Yeah.

-Oh!

Hey! HE CHUCKLES

I saved them for finger-printing.

It looks like an anagram.

"Barry, you've pulled." Maybe the anagram is the location?

The clock could be the date and the time.

Your date could be wearing a Santa hat.

Oh, now that is quite clever.

I've got it. Orca Bin - it's an anagram for Icon Bar!

-Oh!

-Yeah.

All this washing and cooking and cleaning -

there aren't enough hours in the day.

I wish I were a little bird

then I would fly away.

I'd flutter out of the window

and dance upon the wind.

I'd soar...

-Look out! Look out! Look out!

-Oops.

-Should I start again?

-I'll move this bucket.

No, just carry on from there. And, Valerie...

-be careful.

-Yes, I will.

I'd soar over the rooftops

leaving my all troubles far behind...

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Behind!

Uglies!

Cinders, what's the matter with you? My breakfast in bed is long overdue.

She's been shirking again that's plain to see.

Stop, stop! Can we inject a tad more passion, please?

-And, Cinders - less fluttering.

-They missed their cue.

-Get on with it!

-To be honest, we don't have a lot to work with here.

It's not really us, it's the script. What if I change my line...?

-No.

-You haven't even heard my suggestion.

I suggest you focus on your performance.

Which, quite frankly, is abysmal!

'Still no contact from Phil. Have decided to play it cool.

'No more calls till four at the earliest.

'I will suggest Bertrando's for dinner. He can pay.'

PHONE BEEPS

RINGING

'You're through to Maggie's voice mail. Leave a message.'

Maggie, where are you? We need to meet up. I've got news!

I've met someone...

and he is gorgeous.

I think we're going out tonight,

so if you're free tomorrow that'd be fab. Give us a bell.

Um, yeah, bye-bye, bye.

Your sisters are stupid and ugly and...crass.

You're the one with the brains, beauty and class.

Where are the Uglies?

Powdering their noses?

What? They're on in a minute.

But, Buttons, I'm all grubby and dressed in rags.

Your sisters are stupid, ignorant nags.

-Zara, would you mind?

-Isn't that your job?

-Please?

Don't let them hear you. You'll get the sack.

And I'll be left to take the flak.

I'll never leave you. Have no fear.

While I still breathe, I will be here.

Sorry, wardrobe malfunction. Daniel's just coming.

-He got his bustle caught in the loo door.

-THEY LAUGH

Hark! Is that a knock I heard?

Sh! Buttons, don't say another word.

Careful! Oh, Valerie Pitman, you're an accident waiting to happen.

Hey, Cinders, you've kicked the bucket.

You'd better come inside with me.

We weren't expecting company.

Come on, Cinders, let me see. What's in your delivery?

Wait a minute while I look, then I'll let you off the hook.

Prince Charming's holding a Grand Ball.

At his castle, in the great hall.

There's no point in getting excited.

I don't suppose that we're invited.

There's an invite for father, and one for Daisy.

This one's for Buttercup and this one's for me!

Where's mine then?

It's OK, you go. I'll stay at home and watch the footie.

Al, I will not tolerate your ridiculous ad-libs.

What if I make them rhyme?

No. Let's go from the top.

And, Valerie, can you be a little bit more excited

when you realise you're invited?

You haven't been out of the house in years and now you're going

to the grand ball so... do a little dance or something.

Oh, yeah, right.

There's an invite for father and one for Daisy.

This one's for Buttercup...

-SHE GASPS

-..and this one's for me!

Yeah!

Bucket! SHE SCREAMS

We've clearly got a health and safety issue here.

Take it up with Mandy. She's props.

You've tweaked your Achilles.

So maybe I can carry on if it's just a tweak.

Best thing is to put some ice on it, rest it up.

But what about rehearsals?

If she puts any weight on it, it's going to get worse.

-I'll be fine.

-She'll be fine.

Ooh. Ah.

Oh, it's just like Judi Dench in Cats.

Perhaps I could do it sitting down, just for a bit.

Good idea. Crisis over. OK, Uglies, ready with your cue.

Al, take it from your first line.

Come on, Cinders, let me see. What's in your delivery?

INAUDIBLE

Invitations?

Wait a minute while I look.

-That's your line.

-Oh! Sorry, sorry. I can't think!

-It's the pain.

-Valerie's clearly in no...

HE SIGHS

She's clearly in no fit state to continue.

As her understudy, I'll take it from here. But...

No buts. Go and get an icepack on that.

Have I missed much?

Mandy, where are you? Mrs Tembe's here.

Dr Carter, I have been thinking about my costume.

Not now.

I think I've pulled a cracker.

Don't worry, I'm willing to forget your trashy past.

It was a joke.

Perhaps if I would vouch...

HE CLEARS THROAT

-HIGH VOICE:

-Perhaps if you would vouch for me,

they'd let me past security.

-DEEP VOICE:

-I'm not without pity, darling daughter.

I am a stickler for procedure and order.

-HIGH VOICE:

-Rules can bend. Please, let me attend.

-DEEP VOICE:

-Well, if I did that I wouldn't know who I was any more.

-That's not right!

-He's gone off-piste.

There will be other balls.

Keep your leg raised!

There will be other balls.

One day, when my remortgage application has been accepted

and my crippling financial situation has been quantifiably eased

then I will buy you a dress.

Howard, those are not your lines!

Buttons. Where's Buttons?

BALLROOM MUSIC PLAYS Oh, for heaven's sake!

Mandy!

-MUSIC STOPS

-Sorry.

Just not good enough!

I said I was sorry!

Do you want me to continue where I left off?

No. Let's move on.

The Baron and Buttons have departed, leaving Cinders alone and sad.

-HIGH VOICE:

-Oh, I'm so sad and alone.

While my sisters dance, I'm all stuck at home. Ooh.

Ooh, I wonder who that can be.

KNOCKING

I'd better go and see.

It's an old beggar woman.

I know, I know.

Mrs Tembe? A word.

Well, I do not know what all of the fuss is about.

This is a traditional English pantomime.

And what about multiculturalism?

I notice I am the only person of colour on this stage.

Oi! What about me?

With a speaking part.

I think Mrs Tembe looks splendid.

Well, thank you, Dr Carmichael.

She may look splendid but she doesn't look like a fairy godmother!

Have you ever seen a fairy godmother, Heston?

I say go with the pleats and the beautiful headdress.

You didn't spend hours sewing sequins on her flaming wings.

Why don't we get the cast together to vote on it?

-That is a fair solution.

-This is not a democracy.

Why don't you come out and we can have a chat? Look, erm...

If you want a date, you can call me on this number...

Your dazzling beauty ha totally disarmed me!

Prince Charming, please, I ask to hush.

Methinks you're making me look quite blush.

If I cannot speak, then may I kiss your ch...!

SHE LAUGHS

You will be performing this in front of an audience in 24 hours!

I can't take it seriously! This is the cheesiest dialogue ever written,

and Cinderella's a six-foot-tall ex-para!

Valerie will be back in her glass slippers by tomorrow...

The dialogue still stinks...

She's right. No hot-blooded male would...

You will not...I repeat, NOT, change one word of this script!

Continue!

Midnight chimes!

Be still, my beating heart. It's almost midnight - I must depart.

And find myself some decent lines.

Stay awhile, my sweet!

Can you not see...

ZARA GIGGLES

Prince Charming you're so masterful -

demanding script changes with no thought to your personal safety.

-Hands off, Ugly! He's mine.

-You want some, Cinders?!

-No need for me to brawl, I have grace and beauty on my side.

-Easy.

Shame he's not more like panto man the rest of the time.

Would it be terribly wrong of me

to say that I prefer Howard's Cinders to Valerie's?

He does bring a certain je ne sais quoi to proceedings.

You've changed your tune.

It's a girl's prerogative!

Anyway, listen...

Thank you for talking me into putting on a frock

and making a fool of myself.

The pleasure is all mine. You're a breath of fresh air, Jimmi,

in or out of a DD bra.

Prince Charming, hush! You're making me blush.

We'd better stop there, Jimmi, or I'll have to kiss you.

What's happening? Ten minutes for a scene change is hardly audience-friendly.

What we need is a bit of business front of curtain.

-An ice cream vendor?

-No! Not that kind of business!

A comedy act, say the Baron and Buttons

have a bit of banter in front of the curtain.

"How many ugly sisters does it take to change a light-bulb?" That kind of thing.

-I'm up for it.

-I haven't got time to write a sketch!

Don't you worry about that, we'll come up with something.

Absolutely not! I'm not having my artistic integrity

compromised by your random insertions.

Mandy, it's taking too long. Can we lose the bloomers?

Tell you what, Heston,

if my scene change isn't to your satisfaction, why don't YOU do it?

With or without the bloomers.

On second thoughts, I'll have something by tomorrow....

To me.

Hi, Phil. It's me again.

Listen. Bertrando's has got a two-for-one offer on tonight.

But you've got to book soon, so call me.

KEYPAD TONES

SHE SIGHS

Hey, Mum... Karen.

Man, this is weird...

OK.

Stuff to trigger your memory.

Remember that awful Christmas party where you poisoned everyone?

And you caught me in bed with the next door neighbour's daughter?

It was ages ago, before we moved. You really loved our new house.

Shame about the woman next door!

You hated her. She reported us for running a brothel.

Strictly speaking, that was just me and Immie.

You got her back at that Botox party.

You switched pens and Daniel drew all over her face in permanent marker.

-Amazing!

-We're going! >

Yeah, I'm coming... Got to go, Mum.

Oh, about the misunderstanding at the hospital...

just forget about it. I just wanted to see you.

All right. OK, I'll see you soon. Bye!

J...

Jack.

RINGING TONES

Hello.

Jack?

Tom. Jack's popped out.

-Oh...

-Who's calling?

Um...

A friend of the...

I went to school with his mum.

I heard she's been having a rough time.

Well, she's doing really well.

Um...

Are you a mate of his?

Flatmate.

Oh!

-And how is he doing?

-Who did you say you were again?

A friend of Karen's.

And she really wants to know if he's got a girlfriend?

Well, maybe she could call Jack herself, then. Look, I need to go.

SHE SOBS

SHE WEEPS

Ahhh...

-You don't want any misunderstandings down the pub.

-Thanks.

Thank you, everyone. I think we've finally got there.

You really need to rethink that last song, Heston.

-The audience aren't going to know the words.

-They'll be long gone!

The Dickie Bird and the Owl is a classic...

All right, print some song sheets, just in case.

We're going to do the comedy interlude? The Baron-Buttons bit?

-Yes, I'll get it written.

-The fundamental issue here

-is what are we going to do if Valerie can't perform?

-Mandy'll step in.

Oh, yeah! Of course, she will!

She's the PERFECT person to play a downtrodden skivvy!

What shall I do for an encore? Fire-breathing?

Or maybe, I could spin plates on the end of my broom stick

while blowing smoke out of me ears!

Where did that come from?

I'm detaining you on suspicion of theft

and criminal damage in accordance with section 24A

of the Police and Criminal Evidence Act 1974!

You've been littering my campus!

-Your campus?

-You stole my keys! Vandalised my car!

I decorated it. I am a creator. You are the destroyer.

I generate, you terminate.

What are you flaming on about?

It is very simple, Mr Barry Biglow, third head in charge of security.

Last week, you destroyed my final year project.

-I can assure you, I did not!

-I have witnesses!

They challenged you as you stuck a term's worth

of my art in the incinerator.

Oh, you mean that old heap of junk in the Quad?

That was my Throwaway Life exhibition.

The mouldy mattress with the empty beer cans and half-eaten pizza?

My Breakfast In Bed piece.

A commentary on the fragile evanescence

-of post-compulsory education.

-And the rusty bikes?

My Bypass project, a response to the abandonment of traditional,

low-impact transportation in favour of vehicular modes

based on carboniferous fuel-guzzling.

I thought a flytipper had breached perimeter security.

Well, now you know better! But that is the past.

I have channelled my pain,

and from the ashes of My Throwaway Life rises Pick Me Up.

After today, I hope that you'll be able to

differentiate between art and trash.

MUSIC: Theme From "The Benny Hill Show"

ALL LAUGH

ALL: Ooooh!

Don't worry. Pick Me Up will be available on YouTube from tomorrow.

You'll also be able to purchase DVDs at Letherbridge Uni's student art exhibition next term.

Have me arrested if you like. I won't go quietly.

Nothing like the fuel of publicity to ignite an artist's career!

STUDENTS LAUGH

What are we going to do about this disaster of a pantomime?

It's too late to do anything. Anyway, Heston won't let us.

Heston won't let us? How's he going to stop us?

Come on, our patient is suffering

from a debilitating case of bad writing. We have to intervene.

Agreed. But what do you propose doing about it?

We can't pull out. It's for charity.

That's not what I'm suggesting.

-Between us, we can come up with something better.

-Al, it's tomorrow!

Hands up who thinks that that script is a horrorfest of cliched dullness.

So, are we going to sleepwalk onstage and regurgitate that nonsense

or are we going to do something about it while we still can?

-I'm with Al.

-OK, OK, I'm in!

Aye.

Heston, I'm sure it'll all be all right on the night.

Of course, if they learn their lines and stick to the script.

It'll be wonderful.

I've always wondered how large-breasted women manage yoga.

When did you get so old?

I dunno. Maybe when I realised I'm pushing 50?!

Dr Carter, I'm ever so worried,

-my head and my donkey hurt?

-Your donkey?

Oh, you're right! I mean, my ass!

Get off me! You're not allowed to touch me! You pervert!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd