It Fits! It Fits! Doctors

-And the time is?

-Ugh! Heston!

It's still not four o'clock yet.

Ohh! That was the last chuffin' red candle!

You really ought to try breathing, Heston.

-SHE INHALES

-And out...

No cast and crew assembled? Call time sixteen hundred hours.

-..and in.

-Anyone seen Barry?

Don't tell me Biglow's trying to muscle in on this?

I'll have to use the white ones now.

Look in the car park and run through the foyer.

Gather them up, Mandy, gather them up.

I'm sorting candles!

I'll go.

'Hello, this is Phil Abbott. I'm sorry I can't take your call,

'but please leave a message after the tone.'

Em, hi, it's me - again!

My phone's been playing up so I haven't got any messages.

Rubbish or what? Sorry about that.

Em, I was thinking we could go for a drink tonight,

or there's a panto on.

Cinderella. It'll probably be really lame, but it could be a laugh.

If it's rubbish, we just bin it off at the interval.

So, what'd you think? Er, well, hopefully I'll see you later!

'You're through to Maggie's voice mail, leave a message.'

Maggie! Change of plan. Could you meet me at Lee's Bar?

5-ish? See you there.

Ah, Biglow! I trust you have the...

Yes, I've got it, Captain.

I'll just help her in whilst endeavouring not to

jeopardise her starry-eyed relationship with the glorious Ashley,

then I'll give it to you.

-Can't you just...?

-Not without dropping her, no.

HE SIGHS

I was only flagging Ashley up because I always think things are

better "out there", you know? Relationship-wise.

Ow! Ow! Slow down, slow down.

Cards on the table. What I mean is...

You've got a boyfriend. I get it. I'm not thick.

Even if I did find you physically attractive...

..in your uniform and everything.

Even if I did, I'd never play fast

and loose, cos people could get hurt.

How are you going to get about on stage when you couldn't

-even manage the pedestrian crossing?

-I could never two-time.

Did I ask you to? I never asked you to.

I didn't hear me ask you out.

-It's so great that Joe's coming.

-Yeah.

You don't think seeing his dad in a dress is going to

-give him issues, do you?

-It never bothered me!

-He's looking for trap doors.

-I am!

-He's very excited.

-I am!

Take a pill then, because

the last thing I need is a giant toddler causing me more problems.

-Barry, my main man.

-LUVVY VOICE:

-Welcome to the theatre.

-Are you staying for the show?

-Working.

You all right if I leave you to it then?

-Barry's been my crutch.

-LAUGHTER

Heston Carter's Historically Accurate Pantomime,

starring Valerie and her obliging crutch.

You being Buttons?

Buttons with bells on.

In the Midlands it's a role often played by the actor Paul Henry.

-Huh?

-Benny off Crossroads.

-You remember Benny off Crossroads?

-Similar build to you. Bit backward.

-LAUGHING:

-Oh, Barry! You are awful!

What are you doing here, Biglow?

If she needed help walking here, she'll need strapping up.

Break a leg. Not you, Valerie.

If it's best strapped, strap it.

My bra's biting.

-Has Barry gone?

-That way.

-Barry?

Barry! All checked? Nurse Reid's OK'd it?

-Coming to see the show?

-I'm up for an extra shift.

-ZARA:

-Shut up, sit down and keep still.

She'd blow the glitter off anybody's Christmas.

Good man.

There's a pair of slippers in the dressing room.

Slowly, Valerie.

Right now I am channelling my inner Marlon Brando.

They'll fit you.

Cinderella is kitten heels, not slippers.

Despite Cinderella's agony.

Like Marlon, I'm going to utilise the Stanislavski System.

-Who's Marlon?

-Brando.

Seriously? There's more to him than butter?

Do you know, he stayed in bed for a month before playing a paraplegic?

Oh, I would love to stay in bed for a month.

Christian Bale lost over 60lbs to play

Trevor Reznik in The Machinist.

Over 60lbs.

SHE GROANS No, look, we're going to need another Cinders!

No! I can do it.

-These are prescription only.

-Max her up.

Will these get me through?

They're pretty hefty. Just one every four hours.

Is there any cola?

-ZARA GROANS

-Thanks.

Right - Haskey's custard.

There's custard? That's not in the script.

Why am I so hungry? Ooh, these pills...

I won't suffer any side effects?

-Not if you only take one.

-Oh! Aww...

-Hiya!

-Hello, aww.

Is this really where you want to be?

-I like it.

-It's full of slimy sales reps.

And women who look like they either get free school dinners

-or meals on wheels.

-Shut up!

What have you got on your feet?

Don't you just love 'em? I got them off the Rag Market.

I'll go to the bar then. I'd hate for you to fall over.

Vodka lemonade?

Karen! I said, vodka lemonade?

-Who are you looking for?

-Nobody. Make it a double.

Hey-hey!

You know, I've always wondered how large-breasted women manage yoga.

-LAUGHING:

-Why am I not surprised?

Now's your chance to find out. Do a handstand.

-Go on.

-You dare me?

-I double dare you!

-Limbering up, Daniel?

-Yes, method, Heston - I BELIEVE in my breasts.

Nobody's indispensable. I am perfectly happy to don a frock.

We were just saying, weren't we, chaps? About tonight.

We were. It's going to be stupendous.

Danny La Rue, eat your heart out.

As long as you've learnt your lines, ladies.

Mandy! Mandy! Man-deeeeee!

Right, that is it. We are doing this.

The script changes? We're going to do it?

Apparently there's an old theatrical saying that, eh,

pompous gits need their egos pricked.

Well, I'll drink to that. Christmas tipple, ladies?

-BOTH: Ahh.

-Hello. Dingedy-dongedy.

So, have you thought about Christmas?

-Uh, don't start going on about him!

-I'm not.

But you need to think about where you're spending Christmas,

-don't you?

-He creeps me out.

-Don't be horrible, Karen, he's lovely.

Tell you what though - Phil, phwoar! Talk about a hornball.

-Karen!

-What? It's Christmas!

I'm out with my mate, having a couple, seeing if Phil turns up...

Hmm, that's why we're here?

But it's a great place. Come on, I'll get 'em in.

-Have a voddie?

-SING SONG VOICE:

-And a packet of nu-u-uts!

In case you haven't noticed I've lost

two-and-a-half stone in the past year!

Are you trying to be funny?

How can I have noticed you getting thin

if I can't remember you getting fat?

Well, anyway - I have.

-I'm running my own Slimming Nation classes too.

-So?

My favourite visual aid is two posters.

One's a glass of gin and tonic and the other's

a glass with a fresh Belgian chocolate eclair stuffed in it.

-So?!

-Same amount of calories.

Cobblers! Know what? I fancy a gin.

Gin's dead trendy now, who'd have thought that?

SHE LAUGHS

-Where's Buttons?

-Uh, popped out to get something.

-Hardup?

-Gents.

-Daisy?

-Ladies.

-What?

-It's the petticoats.

Cinders? - SINGING: Here!

-What did you give her?

-Only what I take for severe headaches.

- It's getting rammed out there, guys. We'll be standing at the back.

We've almost sold out of programmes and we're making tonnes

on Coke and Maltesers.

Aw, Chris, can you get me a bag? I've not had a thing since breakfast.

I'll try, Mand, but it's pretty busy.

Listen, everyone, break a leg - apart from you, Valerie.

Mandy, this is no time for snacks. Double check the audio, find Al

and make sure Jimmi isn't playing with his bosoms.

And what are you going to do, Heston?

Work on my audience address.

"Paltry turnout in the provinces"? I knew I could draw them in.

-Yay! GIRLS:

-Yay!

YAY! Ooh, I nearly choked!

-Do you know them?

-Who? Those girls? They're a right laugh.

Girls? Mutton dressed as lamb.

Why, cos they're not dressed like librarians?

They're just here to have a good time!

I told you I didn't want a heavy night.

Let's go and have a balti, it'll be nice to catch up

and it won't be busy up Ladypool Road yet.

That's cos it's not even half-past six!

Yeah, and that lot are pertootered already.

I thought you were supposed to be slimming?

-I can have plain boiled rice.

-I'm not hungry!

Well, I'll run you home afterwards.

What happened to you, Maggie? When did you get so so old?

I dunno, maybe when I realised I'm pushing 50?!

-I'm stopping here.

-Don't be daft.

-I'm not being.

-How'll you get home?

I don't care! But when I do, I'll have a low-cal, low-fat,

no-fun ready meal for one, OK?

Come on, Karen, let's go and have a...

-Mate, parched!

-Please yourself!

-Break a leg.

-Check the finale CD.

AUDIENCE CHEER

Ladies and gentleman. Inspired by...

-What are you doing?

-Nothing.

Good nothing or bad nothing?

-Merry Christmas nothing.

-What's that?!

Comedy moustache.

-And that?

-Humorous monocle.

-Thought I'd jazz things up a bit.

-Does Heston know? Shh.

A traditional British pantomime...

Oi, that's Al's special Christmas toddy. Should you?

Definitely not.

But this Yuletide we say - away with tragic endings!

Away with mad kings.

-Away...

-Howay, man!

-HE YAWNS

-What are you doing?

Dr Carter, I'm ever so worried.

-My head and my donkey hurt.

-Your donkey?

Oh, you're right, I mean my ass!

LAUGHTER

I went into the foyer earlier to buy myself a programme,

and a dog had done its nasty business

right in the middle of the floor.

I trod in it, slipped all the way across the lino

and nearly knocked myself out on the kiosk.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

And this gentleman. Yes, you sir!

He walked in and did exactly the same thing.

I stood him up, dusted him off, pointed at the poo-poo

and said, "I just did that."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On with the show!

Stand by for act one. Good luck, everybody.

And...cue Fairy Godmother.

Thus, the years ticked by, the chateau fell into disrepair,

for the family fortunes were mainly in property,

and as none were bankers,

-the recession took its toll.

-Hang on a minute...

Yeah, he had a ghost writer for this bit.

And what little was left was squandered on botox and fillers!

Oh! What was that?

It's Yule toddy.

..through her own hard work and talent,

her dreams of happiness would come true.

Ohh! Curiously nutty thump.

Oooh! Bless! Look, kiddies,

my Fairy Godmother's wearing

an African wedding dress...for no particular reason.

Here, Cinderella. Let us see...

Aren't you just darling!?!

LAUGHTER

..how many of your hopes and dreams will come true.

Right, let's smash this up.

Cinderella! Your X-rays are back and the doctor says you limp

because your left tibia and fibula are radically arched.

Fairy Godmother, what would you do if you had that diagnosis?

Well...

..I suppose I would limp too.

-That's not in the script.

-The Fairy Godmother's brilliant.

Oh, Buttons!

How am I going to get all this housework done?

-Cinders, I'm here to help you.

-Where's my Fairy Godmother gone?

Good girl, stay on script.

I know - I could whistle.

-And then all my forest friends will come and help us.

-Whistle? What?!

OK - A) You're Cinderella, not Snow White,

and B) This ain't no cartoon.

-Are they insane?

-I'm going to try.

SHE WHISTLES

-APPLAUSE

-See? You can't whistle.

Noooooo!

SHE CACKLES

-Oi, that's mine.

-Oh, what's the matter with you?

It's Christmas. It was only the last inch.

Probably half spit anyway.

GLASS CLINKS AND SHE LAUGHS

Me-e-e-erry Christmas!

Would you like some sugar in your tea, Miss Buttercup?

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-No thank you, I'm looking after

-my figure for the ball.

-Scottish!

-I'll have a pie instead.

I'm afraid we're all out of pies.

-Who ate all the pies?!

-Yes, who ate all the pies?

Not a word!

Oh, sister, I'm so looking forward to the ball.

My dress is going to be pret-a-porter.

Isn't that a sandwich?

Well, mine is going to be Giorgio Armani.

George of ASDA!

Sister, you can wear what you like,

everyone's going to be looking at me.

How? Are you supplying them all with step ladders?

HE LAUGHS THEATRICALLY

Only for the wee squirts. I've ordered one specially for you.

-How rude!

-No, you're rude!

-No, you're rude!

-No, you're rude!

-But you're very rude!

-You're very rude!

-LAUGHTER

-Idiot.

Would anyone like one of my Chelsea buns?

Oh, those pills should be on the National Health.

-They are.

-MUMBLING:

-Will you keep still?

Aw, you're lovely, you'd do anything for anybody.

Well, I am the stage manager.

No, not you, I meant Zara.

Zara has allowed me to blossom.

I'm feeling... Yes, I'm going to say it - I'm a little bit in love

with you, my prince.

-Mandy!

-And this is going to be better than

when Anna kissed Beth Jordache on Brookside.

Ladies, ladies, enough of the fighting, now have one of my buns.

APPLAUSE

It's hard to be merry with only a wee cherry.

-Why don't we all have a bit of the plum duff?

-Say that again, sister!

Let's not worry about the plum duff. I found the pies!

Pies? What pies?!

I don't think Heston wants the pies.

-It was a joke.

-You wouldn't know

a joke if it hit you in the face, you pillock!

No, please... It's bloody Tiswas.

LAUGHTER

ALL: Three, two, one - shot it!

Scuse me, madam, can I have a quick little word, please?

Up the Baggies!

-Stick her in the back, come on.

-Get off me!

-It's going well, isn't it?

-I've had more fun pulling teeth.

Can you not pick that pie up?

I'll get a mop.

-Where are my Uglies?

-How should I know?!

They're ruining everything. And where did the pies come from?

I thought that was one of your tweaks?

There are no tweaks!

# Some day we'll meet again

# And away to his castle we'll go

# We'll be happy for ever, I know. #

You can't sing that, Valerie, we'll be sued.

-Ah, leave her alone.

-I think I need a lie down.

Oh, I'll do the scene change on my own, shall I?

-Daniel shouldn't have said that.

-Mm.

He got overexcited.

Self indulgent again.

Self-control can be overrated.

You know, if there is anything I could do...

you only have to ask.

You know that, right? Jimmi...

We've been told to "empathise".

Got to be "understanding". The Sarge's wife has "got issues".

-I didn't mean it.

-Yes, you did.

-Did not!

-You are a gobby trollop covered in puke who thinks

they can get away with kicking an officer up the jacksie!

You're not so mad you've forgotten who your other half is. Empathise?

If it was up to me, you'd be in with that lot - where you belong.

I said I was sorry.

He is a good man. You are a disgrace.

Porn star shoes.

You want to get yourself together - pronto.

What a slapper.

With networking now and a prince to be won,

my work as a good father will surely be done.

But, Father dear, look at my sister.

Her face says Cupid's arrows missed her.

LAUGHTER

"There is no arrows in his quiver..." Jimmi!

Jimmi, Jimmi, there's no arrows...

Dandini, my friend.

I can but ponder, who is this beautiful creature yonder?

This can't get any worse.

Dandini?

Well, then, girls, enough talk of arrows.

Here comes the Prince, a little bit early.

Ooh, look, sister, it's the Prince.

Come on, sister, let's not fight,

-this should be a special night.

-Get off me.

-Come on.

-Get off me. I'm not your mate.

They're fighting! They're fighting!

Oh! Oh! They're having a proper fight!

Stop it, stop it!

Daniel!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

They were like this as girls!

-MRS TEMBE:

-Stop it! Both of you!

You are each as bad as the other. Bad girls! Bad girls!

Away with you! A-way - go!

-Now where were we?

-I know! I know!

My prince! My prince!

My, oh, my, it's not alarming to fall in love

with a real Prince Charming.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

Oh, what the hell.

AUDIENCE GROAN

I'll kill them, I'll kill them all!

WHOOPING AND WOLF WHISTLES

-MRS TEMBE:

-Do not panic! Do not panic!

Mandy!

-Where's the pies? I've got the pies!

-What are you doing?

Which ones are the lights?

AUDIENCE: Wahey!

-Stupid girl!

-Careful.

-It's too late for careful.

-Are you drunk?

I might...might be little bit tipsy.

But tomorrow, Dr Carter, I will not be tipsy.

You will still be a bullying, ungrateful,

puffed up, rubbish-at-writing-pantos,

cocky old snot.

You want to get off the fence, Mand. Say what you really think.

-How dare...

-No, no, no. Don't you dare. This...was supposed to be fun.

-You turned it into a nightmare.

-Oh, no, I didn't!

Oh, yes, you did!

Suck it up, Lloyd-Webber. Cos I am outta here.

You had that coming, mate.

We've had a right game with her.

-Sorry.

-What are you sorry for?

It's not your fault your wife can't control herself.

Sorry.

Just so we're clear though...

Yeah, You're doing me a favour. I know. And I do appreciate it.

-In the spirit of the season. Ho, ho, ho.

-Thank you.

-Sarge...

-(Yeah?)

You need to stop saying sorry.

Disaster, utter disaster!

Mate, the kids are loving it. Look, custard pies - brilliant.

Fighting Uglies - brilliant. And Valerie - what's she on?!

Are you going to be mean to me?

-Never.

-Good.

It was the big gins. I'd have been all right without the big gins.

You never could handle your gin. Mother's ruin.

Get off me!

You're not allowed to touch me, you pervert!

SHE SOBS

AUDIENCE: Wahey!

Right, we're going back on book

and I will lead the final song, cue it up, please.

The Dicky Bird and the Owl. Perfect. Appropriate and perfect.

At least one thing will be.

Let's all dance. Let's get started.

Better had - cos Cinders farted!

Where's Jimmi?

CHEERING

(Where's the Dicky Bird and The Owl?)

-UNDER HER BREATH:

-Shot - I hope.

(Chris, music!)

Are we all ready for a real Wizzard?

All right, Letherbridge!

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# And let the bells ring out for Christmas. #

ALL: Happy Christmas!

I don't think I can do this any more.

You don't have to.

-Don't I?

-No, not now I've found someone else.

What?

Yes, I've met someone. His name is Phil,

and we're having a full relationship.

-Not that it's any of your business.

-What do you mean?

Full, we're together, me and Phil. We've done it and everything.

# Why don't you give your love for Christmas? #

Freedom.

This year, I'm going to go that extra mile.

Is that why you brought your bike inside?

You wouldn't have even had a production if it wasn't for me!

-I hardly think...

-Heston, you were a nightmare!

Stole another bike?

Sorry about that. Won't happen again.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd