Little White Lies Doctors

-Hi ho, Sleepy.

-Hi ho, Dopey.

Are you going in to the library?

Got to. I'll never get it done otherwise.

Want me to wait for you?

Are you sure? I've got to wash my hair.

It's OK, no problem. Do you want a cup of coffee?

Oh, you are a hero.

Where's Sophie?

Bathroom.

What are you doing here?

Just dropped in on the way back from the airport.

You should lock that back door at night. You're asking for trouble.

This from your skiing trip?

Good time had by all, as you can see.

Couple of the lads snuck up on me with my phone.

Paid them back later, mind. In spades.

Who's the girl?

I couldn't even pronounce her name, let alone remember it.

She was really up for it though, I tell you.

What happens off piste stays off piste, right?

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I know.

Sorry, used the last.

Did you say Sophie's up?

She's in the shower.

Excellent. Time for a booty call.

Right, so, the bloke in number two is going to be sleeping

that off for a couple of hours.

Might join him. I'm fed up with today already.

-How's it going with...?

-It's not. It's not going anywhere.

Sorry to hear that.

I'm better off working - keeping busy.

Which is why I've taken this graveyard shift.

Yeah, never known it to be so quiet.

No, me neither.

We could do with something to get our teeth into.

Plane crash?

-Something a bit more low key, maybe.

-Paperwork, then.

You're joking? I'm drowning in it. And on a Sunday. Unwritten rule.

No paperwork on a Sunday.

So, what, you just going to bail drunks all day

and wait for the phone to go with a big shout?

Tell you what I do fancy...

Do I really want to know?

A bacon sandwich. Smothered in ketchup.

Extra cholesterol.

The caff over the road does a good one.

I'll take a break in a bit.

Really? Nice one. I owe you.

What are you doing here?

Missed you too.

You said you were going straight to yours.

Couldn't bear another hour apart.

Got here at eight but I didn't want to wake you.

I know how much you need your beauty sleep.

So, how did it all go? Tell me the goss.

Oh, you know.

Was it wild?

Not really.

Liar. Bet you were out with the lads every night.

The skiing was great.

And the girls?

What girls?

There's nothing you want to tell me?

Cross my heart. That whole apres-ski thing really isn't my bag, you know that.

I was working in the evenings. That's why I took the laptop.

Actually, it's been a long week.

Rather lonely.

Well, you're going to have to stay lonely a bit longer.

-Oh, come on!

-Luke, I have to go in to the library, remember?

-No.

I told you. I've got my term essay to finish.

Are you done with my laptop now, by the way?

I've still got to sort out the last few documents for the trial tomorrow. It's really important.

They have to be in first thing. After that it's all yours, I swear.

Oh, OK. Don't worry.

By the way, you do know it's Sunday? Day of rest.

For you employed people, perhaps.

But we students work round the clock.

Luke, no!

-Luke, I have to go.

-You could go in later.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Soph! I'm heading off in a sec.

-Coming!

-No, she's not! What are you doing?

I still have a ton to do.

I haven't seen you in days!

Luke, I have to get this done. It's part of my grade.

I'll come back at lunchtime?

Luke?

I'm sorry.

OK. But you can make it up to me later.

-Would this be considered sacrilegious?

-It's fine.

-What are you wearing?

-Birthday suit.

To church, Daniel.

I dunno - jeans, shirt, whatever.

-Er, I don't think so.

-Oh. Do we really...

It's essential we make the right impression.

It's a day of rest, Zara.

Not grey. It's not a funeral. What do you think?

Look, her and her mates are all into you.

I can't believe you're not interested.

They're just not my type.

Oh, what is your type? Let me guess - brunette, big...?

What?

Do you really need me to say it?

-Zak, I really like you, but...

-PHONE RINGS

-Hi.

-'I told you I needed the laptop.'

-I know.

-I have to have that stuff in for tomorrow or I'm in such deep...

I haven't got it.

But I left it right here in the kitchen.

Oh, no way

Luke?...Luke?

What was that all about?

Sometimes he's such a...

Soph?

The first thing you need to do, sir, is calm down.

'I need to take these details before...'

I've been through all this already. That's why they put me through to you.

If you want to report this crime, then you need to listen.

No, you listen.

While you're faffing about taking down my vital statistics yet again,

some unemployed, druggy waster is trading my laptop in for a few grams of...

This is a waste of time.

You dossing around on your backside, drinking tea is a waste of time.

I want you out on the streets now, catching him.

I will as soon as you stop talking to me like I'm...

OK, let's cut to the chase here.

Do you know who my father is?

On reflection, I think you were right.

We are going to church, we want to fit in.

-I just want this to go right.

-Of course you do.

Which is why I was thinking that maybe you should wear a hat.

Really? I hadn't even thought...

I don't think I've got anything that would...

-Daniel! This isn't a game.

-I was kidding.

I'm glad that you find our son's education a laughing matter!

-I was just...

-Being an idiot. I know.

Sorry.

-Did you get the big shout?

-Yeah.

-Bank job?

Nearly. Theft of a laptop from a student house.

Oh. How come you're...?

-Apparently the victim's dad is a bigwig DCI in the Met.

-Right.

-Won't be long.

-What about this?

-Enjoy.

Right. Name the ten disciples.

Easy - Matthew, Mark, Luke... I thought there were twelve.

This is hopeless. All right, the Ten Commandments.

Thou shalt not steal.

One.

Thou shalt not lie.

That's ridiculous. It's an essential part of everyday life.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's school?

Daniel!

-This is pointless.

-No, it is not.

We'll be shown up immediately if we don't even know the basics.

-And then that's it, for ever.

-And ever, amen.

How about you, Joe, can you say amen?

-A-men.

-Of course. You've got to be able to say amen.

Joe. Like this. A-men.

-Amen.

-Amen.

Maybe this is pointless.

Great. Can I take my suit off then?

No. I didn't say we weren't going. We've got no choice.

But our best course of action is to keep our mouths shut as much as possible.

Turn up, look pious, then scarper?

Exactly. The less we give away, the better.

I hate this. I feel like a total hypocrite.

Get your coat. We are going now.

I take it this one's Sophie.

Yes.

And just to confirm, she does live here?

Can you give me the names of the people she shares with?

Does it matter?

Well, yeah.

Lucy Martins and Zak...

..er, Wilton? I think.

OK. Does anyone else have a key or access to the property?

Repetition is a big part of police training, isn't it?

I prefer to call it thoroughness.

I will need to chat to the others in case they saw anything.

Zak and Soph are at college. Lucy's been away all week.

Can we get this moving? I need that laptop back, like, now.

Anything else missing?

You know what? I'm a bit busy to do your job for you.

What is your problem?

Which bit didn't you understand? My laptop has been stolen.

I know Letherbridge is a tiny, backward hole,

so I'm not expecting the cutting edge of law enforcement to

spring into action, but you could at least pretend to do

something, instead of asking me more stupid questions.

It's true, we don't have the resources of the Met

but I'll do my job properly, don't worry about that.

I am worried.

I could lose my job if I don't get it back.

You'll need this crime number for your insurance.

-Are you done?

-Nope.

CHURCH BELLS PEAL

Ready?

OK. Let's get this over with.

I'll be in contact.

Excuse me if I don't hold my breath.

I'm curious.

Do you have this attitude with everyone, or is it just the police?

You can't talk to me like that.

Daddy's little boy got a point to prove?

I'm a victim of crime here, remember?

Maybe I should ring your DCI and have a chat.

Be my guest but she's not the chatty type.

I deserve some respect and sympathy here.

That's a two-way street, son. It's a two-way street.

-Good morning.

-Good morning.

I am sure you are familiar with the Communion service.

Thank you.

Hello! Welcome to Saint Bernadette's!

It's lovely to see a new family all together.

-We're delighted to be here.

-Very excited.

And I believe you'd like to go to Heathdean Primary.

He does. We've heard such good things about it.

-It is a very good school.

-Yes.

Can I just ask, has Joe been christened?

Ah...well, the thing is that we always intended to, but, erm...

..life just seems to get in the way, doesn't it?

There are so many...

The truth is, as a family, we've been through a bit of crisis.

We've had our faith tested many times since Joe arrived.

We actually nearly lost him recently.

I don't need to tell you what that kind of experience can do to one inside.

You start to question everything.

Of course.

It's not an excuse, but we've just had a very testing time.

The good news is that we feel that we're through that

and we're ready for the next step.

We've done a lot of soul-searching and...we definitely feel stronger,

individually, spiritually and as a family.

I'm really pleased for you. All of you.

It's obviously been a tough time, but...you're here now!

Come and join our family. I'll introduce you.

CHURCH BELLS RING

Yeah, just got here. Do me a favour, run me a check on Luke Cotterall.

-'Cotterall from the Met's kid?'

-Yeah, that Cotterall.

I'm sorry, OK?

I don't want to make things awkward between us.

And I don't want to ruin this friendship.

You know how I feel about you?

You must do.

Soph?

Zak, I can't do this.

Very smooth. First my laptop, then my girlfriend.

Thanks for your help.

So was this sad attempt at blackmailing me just spur of the moment,

or have you been waiting ages for your chance?

You know what? Go ahead.

Show Sophie the video.

You think I care?

You obviously don't care about her.

You've screwed up, mate. She'll forgive me.

I can talk my way out of it.

But you might find it a bit harder with the police.

I think they normally want proof.

I need that laptop back. It's got work stuff on it.

-Important stuff.

-Haven't you got bigger worries?

I mean, whoever has got it can do what they want with that video.

-Upload it. Could go viral at any time.

-Is that a threat?

If it were me, I'd tell Sophie the truth before she sees it for herself...

-online.

-You're making a big mistake.

Hi. What are you doing here?

Just thought I'd walk you back...for lunch.

Oh. Everything OK?

Let's go.

-I just bought a...

-Leave it. Come on.

Joe, do you want to come and see our play space?

He's fine, thank you.

-There's lots of toys to play with.

-I think he'd like that.

Come on.

Come on, let's go outside, he'll be fine.

Thank you.

Sorry...sorry.

HE SIGHS

# All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small

# All things wise and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all

# Each little flower that opens

# Each little bird that sings

# He made their glowing colours

# He made their tiny wings

# All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small... #

-Luke, Luke! What is going on?

-Zak took the laptop.

What?! Why?

Because he's a sad, jealous little git who wants to screw things up for me.

I'm lost here, you need to explain.

-He fancies you! Is that clear enough?

-Yeah, but why...?

Ah, I don't have time for this. Must be in his room.

Luke, Luke...

Luke, you can't just walk in here and... Stop it! Zak wouldn't do this!

Oh, you know him that well, do you?

Luke, please just stop it. Stop!

Maybe you two know each other better than I think, hm?

-Got something to tell me?

-Like what?

-I saw you before...holding hands.

-It was nothing, we're just friends.

-Got a bit closer while I was away then, hm?

-Nothing happened!

-Oh, so this has been going on longer then?

-Luke, I swear...

Actually, you know what? I really don't care right now.

My job is on the line here. Do you get it?

PHONE RINGS

Argh!

Hello?

Hi.

Yes, yes, it's all done.

Legal documents, summary report.

Today?

When exactly?

Yeah, of course.

No problem.

Yeah, will do.

Bye.

DOOR OPENS

-Where is it?

-Where's Sophie?

-Upstairs in her room, crying. Happy?

-You told her?

Yeah. Now hand it over.

-Soph?

-What are you doing?

-You're lying.

-I'm not going to ask again!

Stop it!

One of you two better tell me what's going on.

KNOCKING AT THE DOOR

Oh!

Hello, can I come in?

Thank you.

You must be Sophie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, no, no, no! Stay there.

Do not waste any more of my time.

Right.

You'll be pleased to hear that I have exceeded all your wildest dreams,

and managed to recover your laptop.

No, please, stop, stop, you'll drown me in gratitude.

Are you going to arrest him then?

Zak? What's going on?

-Ask him.

-Shut your mouth!

Just tell her...now. Before I do.

Luke?

Tell her!

It's like I told you, he nicked the laptop to blackmail me into dumping you.

-He's pathetic.

-Oi! Both of you!

See what he's really like now?

You're both under arrest...you for theft and you for assult.

You don't have to say anything but it may harm your defence

if you don't mention, when questioned, something you later rely on in court.

Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

-You can't do that!

-I just did!

But he hasn't done anything!

Come on, move it...before I cuff you!

Call my dad!

Thank you. I will see you next week.

Did you enjoy the service?

-Oh, yes. Lovely.

-Lovely.

It's really nice to hear some new voices in the congregation.

-Especially such a rich baritone.

-Oh!

-So, can we look forward to seeing you and Joe next week then?

-Absolutely.

Would you like to join us for some tea?

That's such a lovely offer but I'm afraid we are late.

Maybe next time.

-Of course. That would be lovely. See you!

-Thanks!

So. How did you find it?

-Fine.

-I love a good hymn.

So you just came for a singsong?

-No!

-Absolutely not.

I truly believe that a hymn should come from the heart.

I agree. And that's why I'm so glad we came.

We'd really like to try to reconnect with something...deeper.

Yeah, more meaningful.

I see. So, this feeling...when did it come upon you?

It's hard to say when we realised exactly, life is so hectic.

I think just gradually we sensed that something was missing.

Maybe it's something to do with being a parent,

realising that we have responsibilities bigger than ourselves?

-Yeah, you start to question everything.

-And look for answers.

We've had a great time. And so has Joe.

Talking of which, I'd better go and get him.

See you tomorrow. God bless.

All I'm saying is he doesn't deserve Sophie.

What? And you do...stealing and blackmail?

I'd never hurt her. I was just trying to get her away from him.

Yeah, and running straight into your arms?

It's not that simple.

I really...really like her.

Anyway, doesn't matter now, does it? Luke's right, I've got no chance.

Never say never.

So that's it?

I can go?

Yeah, no charges. You're free to go.

I just wish she could see what he's really like.

Maybe she will. Good luck.

SIRENS WAIL

So, we'll leave it there then. Less paperwork all round.

That'd be great, thanks very much. Good luck, John.

Just, erm...

Ooh!

Do I feel an apology coming on?

-No.

-What a surprise.

But I do want my laptop back.

You do want your laptop back...

-Please.

-There you go, wasn't that hard, was it?

Now, I'd love to oblige but it turns out it was never your property in the first place.

But don't worry about that because maintaining the high standards of local policing

I have made certain that it's returned to its rightful owner.

But don't thank me.

Save your breath.

I think you're going to need it.

All in a day's work.

SHE SIGHS

-I'm sorry, OK?

-For what?

That! How do people sit through that ridiculous charade every Sunday?

It's not that bad.

It's OK for you, you were Oscar material.

It's just church, Zara.

I just can't sit there and swallow all that mumbo jumbo,

and as for having it spoon-fed to Joe...

Bit of a singsong, smiling, shake a few hands. No big deal.

-Anyway, you said it was worth the compromise, remember?

-Yes, OK.

I actually quite enjoyed it.

-What?!

-Especially the hymns.

What? I'm not ashamed. Roll on next Sunday.

JOE: Yeah!

JOE LAUGHS

Tell whoever it is you need to tell and leave me

to my own personal hell.

This is a doctors' surgery and I have other patients waiting.

OK, I'll just cut to the chase then.

Lucy has something of mine that I want back.

My chair, my rules. All you have to do is lie back and relax.

Relax?

Yes! Yeah.

Mrs Callow says she'll have what you're having.