Perfect Match Doctors

Somebody shoot me.

Just shoot me now.

It's...it's Al. I can't come in to work today.

Al Haskey.

I'm not mumbling!

This is what someone sounds like who's in excruciating pain.

Someone who hasn't eaten or slept all weekend.

And someone who certainly cannot see their patients.

So just tell whoever you need to tell and leave me

to my own personal hell.

PHONE RINGS AND VIBRATES

Thank you.

Who's next?

Mr Vincent.

Please go through.

Who's after that?

Hurry up, Lucy. Doctor hasn't got all day.

So, what brings the both of you here today?

I was just wondering the same thing.

You're not ill, are you?

Anything but.

In fact, I'm feeling good for the first time in ages.

Well, then, there are plenty of other places I could be.

-You really have no idea, do you?

-I certainly don't.

Lucy and I have been separated now... How long exactly is it, Lucy?

I'm sure you've been counting the days with delight.

-I don't know. What, a year, maybe?

-14 months, to be precise.

And three days.

So I think it's time we sorted a few things out, don't you?

Look, I'm all for sorting things out, but this is a doctor's surgery

and I have other patients waiting.

OK, I'll just cut to the chase then.

Lucy has something of mine that I want back.

But I gave you everything that was on your list.

We agreed...

Like I said, I'm a doctor, and it sounds like it's a lawyer you need.

So if there's no other medical reason...

Ah, no, no, but there IS, there is a medical reason.

I want my kidney back.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Come in.

Um...

I need to talk to you about something very, very important.

I'm listening.

Um...

Dr Haskey's phoned in sick.

Ah. Erm, Dr Haskey. I see.

We'll need to re-allocate his patients.

Already did.

And I phoned the blood pressure rep who was coming to see him today

-to rearrange.

-Ah, well, very good. Thank you.

Thanks for letting me know.

Is there something else, Valerie?

Yes.

Well, no.

I can see you're busy, but...

I would like to have a word, at some point.

Any time. Any time will do.

How about two o'clock?

Today?

Yes, Valerie. Two o'clock today.

You've got to laugh, haven't you?

A couple who were once, literally, a perfect match.

And look at us now!

I'd have done anything for you, Lucy. Anything.

And you threw it all back in my face!

Are you OK?

Evan, you've said your piece. Sit down, let Lucy talk.

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.

Go on, then. Justify yourself.

-I...

-Hmm?

I can't do this.

Lucy, hold on!

Truth hurts.

This is a wind-up, right? You want to get back at her

-so you pick the one thing you know...

-It's not a wind-up.

Then what is it? Because you can't really believe

you'll ever get a donated kidney back?

I just want what's mine. What's so terrible about that?

But you can't...

I've done the research.

OK, there's no legal precedent,

but there's a first time for everything.

I gave it, and I can take it away.

Evan, come on.

I'm prepared to do whatever it takes.

I knew you'd try to wriggle out of it.

Hey, no part of me is wriggling.

Even if I wanted to open my mouth, I couldn't.

Nothing touches this pain.

Derrick's used to all that,

there's nothing in there he hasn't seen before.

Anyway, he's been doing my teeth for years.

In fact, he's one of us. He reminds me of you.

-Is that supposed to be reassuring?

-PHONE BEEPS

Talk of the devil. Hey, Derrick.

Jimmi. Just thought I'd check to see if your scaredy-cat mate

is still on for this morning.

'I've booked him a double appointment.'

Yeah, we'll be there. We're just leaving.

'He's there, is he? Put him on.'

I'll give him the Derrick Dwyer Dental Virgin pep talk.

He wants a word.

Hello?

'Good morning.

'Just so you know, you are about to entrust your teeth

'to the safest, most experienced hands in Letherbridge.'

My chair, my rules.

All you have to do is lie back and relax.

Relax?

'Don't worry, I'll be gentle.'

I probably won't even need the hammer and chisel. Ha!

No, no. I'll probably sterilise them anyway.

'Yeah. Well, see you soon.'

See, I told you there's nothing... Oi, oi!

Fresh meat.

OK. Let's start again

No need. I've taken up enough of your valuable time.

I just wanted to keep you in the loop cos when it goes to court...

It's not going to court!

When it goes to court,

I'll expect you to act as an expert witness for me.

Whoa, hold on a minute.

So you remember how weak and ill Lucy was when she was on dialysis?

She could hardly lift her head from the pillow some days.

I had to spoon-feed her. Carry her to the loo.

Yes, I remember.

Then just tell the court that.

I'm not asking you to lie.

Then tell them how wonderful it was when I tested as a perfect match.

Against all the odds.

Job done.

Evan, I can't do that.

Yes, you can. You mean you don't want to.

Even if I did want to, I can't.

I'm Lucy's GP as well, remember?

It'd be a conflict of interests.

Well, it's not like I expected an easy ride.

Look, I know it can't be easy for you, with everything

that you and Lucy have been through together...

What can't?

Seeing her with another man.

With Wesley.

But all this, it...

just isn't the way.

Once you get through this and move on,

you'll realise there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

Is that what you think this is all about? You think I'm jealous?

-You telling me it's not?

-You let Wesley have her

back the way she used to be! See how long he hangs around then!

You're obviously finding it difficult to let her go.

I should have known you'd be on her side.

I'll take care of it myself.

Evan...

I am the reflection of reception perfection.

I always give 110%.

No...

150%!

Yeah, that's good.

So, what do you bring to the table?

Oh, bang for your buck!

Bounce-back-ability. Is that even a word?

Locked and loaded. Yeah, that's good. That's so good.

Yes!

Balls in the air. Yes! Yes!

I've got the sausage and the sizzle.

Yes! Yes!

Are you all right, Valerie?

Only Mrs Callow says she'll have what you're having.

-Fine, we'll take it with us.

-But...

No buts! We're not wasting any more time!

We're cutting it fine as it is. It's a dentist's chair,

not an electric chair! I can't believe you're making me do this.

Al!

Let's do this.

Hi, is that Abbott and Bridge?

Can you put me through to your top compensation lawyer, please?

Take a seat.

This place smells weird.

Sorry, it's his first time.

You need to relax, mate. Take some deep breaths or something.

Feel the fear and face it.

I've been doing that a lot recently. It's really inspirational.

Can you just spare me the self-help twaddle?

That's more like it.

Oh, what time is it when you have to go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty.

Seriously?

Get it? Tooth hurty?

Where does the dentist get his petrol from?

The filling station! Filling station!

No drilling is more painful than this.

Glad you could join us, Dr Haskey.

We're ten minutes late, so let's not waste any more time. Chipity-chop.

Now....

It makes my job much easier if I could actually see some teeth.

Wider. Come on, man.

Haven't got all day.

Ah, ah, ah.

Upper left. Six, extraction.

Abrasion. Attrition.

Oh, and a touch of gum disease.

A proper Aladdin's cave of wonders.

It's not good. But I've seen worse.

-You're obviously a stranger to dental floss.

-Ah.

Yes, well, maybe ease up on the sweets and cakes

and sugary drinks a bit, eh?

And smoking.

-Got to be some willpower in there somewhere.

-No.

Keep still, man. Never seen such a flappy tongue.

Like a dying trout in a sea of saliva!

Ca ah ha a genera anarghestic?

What's that?

Can I have a general anaesthetic?

Ha! Don't be ridiculous, man!

Why use a sledgehammer to crack a nut?

You must know the potential complications

for a man of your size.

Trust me, it's much better this way.

PANICKED GASPING

That one was a no-show.

Isn't that the second time?

-Mr Vincent!

-Can someone help me, please? Please!

Evan, what's up?

I feel so weak. I can hardly walk.

I have a terrible pain in my back. Constant nausea.

A metallic taste in my mouth.

Swollen limbs? Little bit of dribble when you pee?

All the symptoms of...

-I know what they're the symptoms of.

-I knew it!

OK, gently.

-Come on.

-So you'll send me for a kidney function test?

It's extremely unlikely that you have developed

acute kidney failure in the last couple of hours.

But I've got all the symptoms. And I've only got one kidney.

You have to send me for a test.

You have a duty of care!

You are not ill. Now what's really...?

-Bleurgh!

-Oi! Ahh!

And along the gum margin.

You'd be amazed at the sugar hidden in processed food.

And beer, swilling around your enamel - liquid rot!

Right. You should be numb by now?

I gave you enough anaesthetic to sink an elephant.

Can you feel this?

-Or this?

-No.

There's no pain! Is that it?

Now the fun begins.

AS YODA: Fear is the path to the dark side.

DRILL WHINES

MAN ROARS

HE CHUCKLES

That's all fine. How are you feeling now?

Fine, thanks.

Vomiting can be a sign of acute kidney failure.

Just to be sure, I'm going to call you an ambulance.

They'll do extensive tests at St Phil's.

Blood and urine.

An MRI.

Ultrasound. Maybe even a kidney biopsy.

No, stop.

Finally.

Come on, in your own time.

Anti-inflammatories?

I knew they'd make me sick. They always do.

You've got one kidney and you could have done it

lasting damage with these. And for what? To get one over on Lucy?

You didn't take me seriously - what choice did I have?

What planet are you on?

There are ill people who would give anything for one healthy kidney.

Who wouldn't think of throwing it all away just to prove a point!

It's easy for you, isn't it? You don't understand.

Yes, I do understand. you're losing the plot - get a grip.

This can't go on!

Trust me.

You have to put an end to this ridiculous kidney custody battle.

Just talk to Lucy, OK?

I think she might like that.

No. I've got nothing to say to her.

That's not how it looks to me.

And she might have something to say to you.

Have you ever considered that?

You think so?

Won't know unless you try.

Maybe.

Think about it, OK? Anyway, you're fine, you're free to go.

Um...

I'm sorry about your shoes.

Occupational hazard.

The vomiting should have cleared your system by now.

But I still think you should go to A and E.

No way. I've had quite enough of hospitals, thank you.

Whatever. Take it easy the rest of the day.

If you have any worries at all, you call me,

but for medical reasons, not legal.

Don't worry, you're off the hook.

I've been a right idiot. I'm sorry.

So how was that?

Piece of cake.

So it wasn't you I heard in there screaming?

Not me.

The numbness will wear off.

Avoid hot drinks and don't eat anything for the next two hours.

Any problems, give me a call.

Next check-up in six months.

Oh, one more thing...

I was a brave boy.

Yes, you were.

I've wanted so much to talk with you. Ever since...

Ever since what? Ever since you left me for him?

I didn't get with Wesley till months after we broke up. You know that.

So you say.

I loved you so much.

But I couldn't breathe.

"Where have you been, who were you with?"

You turned into someone else. A stranger.

You went through my phone. You followed me!

Only once! Only once, and you hadn't eaten,

I was worried you would faint.

That's not normal, Evan. I just...

I couldn't cope.

And you think I could?

Giving you that kidney was the biggest mistake I ever made.

Don't ever say that!

You gave me my life back.

Yeah. Out every night. Drinking, dancing, meeting other men.

It wasn't like that.

Not for you, maybe.

I'm so sorry.

I really wish things could have worked out different.

Me too.

From the start of this process, I have proved myself.

I always give 150% in every task,

and I've so much more to give.

Not just the patients but the Patient Participation Group -

they all know me and respect me.

I am able to think outside the record box,

outside the reception desk,

and focus on delivering not just promises, but results.

my skills are perfect for this practice.

I've got the sausage and the sizzle.

So, moving forward,

it makes sense on both sides to leverage my core competency

on a permanent basis.

Well, you've, um...

you've expressed yourself..

expressively.

Thanks. Ashley helped me write it.

So...?

So?

Are you going to give me a permanent job?

Valerie, I can't disagree with anything that you've said.

And everybody here at The Mill has been very impressed

with how professional and efficient you have been.

Your core competency is 150%.

Thanks, Howard. That means a lot.

But...

We'd hardly spent a single day apart.

Until the transplant.

Things were bound to change, Evan. They told us that.

I used to wash your hair for you. Cooked all your meals.

Stayed by your side through every single dialysis session.

Didn't I?

Yes, of course.

I don't know what I would have done without you.

Then everything changed. Cos you didn't need me any more.

Of course I did!

I had so much living to catch up on, that's all.

You shut me out.

Go on, admit it.

-Admit it!

-You pushed me away!

It's all in the past now.

I just wish you could have told me how you felt, instead of...

Evan.

There's something I need to tell you.

Now, as a practice, our commitment is to Karen.

And we all hope that she will be able to return

to her duties one day.

And when that day comes...

..we will have a full quota of staff receptionists,

and you will be surplus.

Surplus.

To requirements.

I see.

Of course, openings for temporary staff do crop up.

And you will be eligible for consideration.

Thanks for the opportunity.

It's a huge compliment that you would like to continue to stay.

And we really value your...

..your sizzle?

So what was your plan?

"I Want My Kidney Back."

The Daily Liar talks exclusively

to the sad, perverted loser Evan Vincent?

I wouldn't have gone through with it, Lucy, not after...

Of course you wouldn't.

This was just a normal lunch date with your ex-wife.

With a hidden microphone up your sleeve.

This is a new low, even for you!

If you'd just let me explain, please.

I don't think there's anything you could say to me now

that I could believe.

Cheers.

Well, got to hand it to you, you got through it.

Don't know what all the fuss is about.

Dentist Derrick is my kind of man. Professionally speaking, of course.

But even he can be wrong about some things.

So, here's to liquid rot. Thank you.

Your jaw looks a bit frozen still.

Don't worry, it'll be easier next time.

Now you know the, er...drill?

Ha ha!

Hey, a pint for Tyler.

Oh, look at you. You survived, then?

What can I say? The Force is strong in this one.

If you think you've had a challenging morning,

-you wouldn't believe what's been happening...

-Lucy, please.

Leave me alone! Stay away from me!

Whoa!

What's wrong with her? Is she OK? Lucy are you OK?

Give her some space. Jimmi, call an ambulance.

Lucy, can you hear me?

How is she?

She's OK. She's resting.

Sit down.

Stupid microphone. I'm such an idiot.

It's got nothing to do with that.

-Look, Evan...

-I know, I know. Don't worry.

I've learned my lesson.

Lucy's given me permission to tell you something.

She has?

Her one functioning kidney...

The one I donated to her, yeah.

It's cancerous.

Lucy has cancer.

She's having treatment which is making her weak and shaky.

And that's why she collapsed.

You knew?

Why didn't you tell me?

Instead of letting me make a complete fool of myself.

She wanted to tell you herself.

And she would have done, too, but you got so obsessed

with this stupid lawsuit nonsense.

No, I don't believe it.

Treatments are very effective. She has a good chance...

Is it my fault? Did... Did I do this to her?

Same old same old, eh?

The lab must be sick of me by now.

Pass my bag, will you?

I'll make it up to her. Help her get through this.

Nobody knows better than me how to take care of Lucy.

We've been through so much together.

-You're not together any more...

-There's a broccoli soup she loves,

it's packed with vitamins.

-And I can rub her feet, read to her...

-Stop, OK? Just stop.

It's over.

'You can send him in now, please.'

-You can go in now.

-Thank you.

Hey.

Um... Look after her, OK?

Yeah.

Is this it for me?

It looks like it.

Ooh, nice easy afternoon, then.

There you go, you two. Enjoy!

Oh, thank you, Karen. You are amazing!

It's all part of the service.

It's good to see Karen on the mend, eh?

Sorry, what?

I was just saying it's brilliant how much calmer

and more together Karen seems these days.

Yeah, it's brilliant.

At this rate she'll be back on full form before we know it.

-Just like old times...

-DOOR CLOSES

Valerie?

I will get this job.

I will get this job.

You told me she was dead!

I flew in from goddamn America!

She-she said she was going to die.

It's the perfect creative medium for somebody trying to get into fashion.

You can show the world who you really are.

She's just another relative

looking out for an elderly member of the family.

Yeah, but no-one's ever wanted to sue me before!

No?