Made in Heaven Doctors

Ooh!

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, sorry! Sorry, sorry, are you OK?

-Yeah.

-Is it bleeding?

No, the bedding and I are fine, Dr Clay.

Well?

Wow! Blimey.

I was creeping round all night trying not to wake you.

It's amazing.

Happy Valentine's Day.

So that's next Friday, 9.20. Nothing to eat for 12 hours.

Morning, campers!

-Morning.

-Oh, you've not done the mail?

Funnily enough, I've been rather busy.

Oh, crikey, there's loads for me. Maybe they're all interviews!

Hope so.

Ooh, a red one, scented, for you. Blimey!

Is it?

Oh!

A posh poem as well.

"Valentine, you are the one That sets my heart aglow

"If only I could touch your smile..."

..and cure your rank BO.

If only all Valentines were so candid.

He's a dark horse, your Ashley?

Oh, yeah. Very tasteful.

How many did you get?

Arg! Nada.

Ditto - mercifully.

It's very easy to be cynical, but not my Ashley.

He's taking me to the opera in Birmingham - La Trivialata.

Traviata.

Mm?

Ooh!

Lovebirds of the universe unite.

Eh?

We who do Valentine's Day properly.

Oh. Right, yeah. Listen, I'm just going to drop this in to Howard.

-It'll be five minutes, and then the day is ours, OK?

-OK.

So did he get you anything?

Gorgeous bracelet and champagne breakfast.

-Aw, lovely.

-Mine's taking me to the opera.

Oh, we're going out for lunch as well - Michelin-starred.

Ooh...!

Don't tell him, but I've booked a surprise.

A surprise. For Jimmi?

Are you sure?

Day at the Aga Spa. Dead exclusive. He's going to love it.

Mmm. Might be better to run it by him first.

It's fine. We have a unique trust and understanding of each other.

A match made in heaven.

Exactly!

SOBBING

Hello?

Oh! Karen. What's the matter?

I got more rejection letters.

I'm a total failure.

That's not true. You just have to be patient.

Yeah, right.

I mean, nobody wants a middle-aged teenager.

What's this? Strike meeting?

Karen's got a couple of rejection letters. Just standard ones.

Nothing to worry about.

Except for the one...

that I must be off my trolley

if I think that I can get a job with my qualifications.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't want to work somewhere like that anyway.

But I've got so much to offer! I'd be brilliant.

We know that.

Just must not read like that,

plus there's lots of competition.

But I've got loads of experience!

Yeah, but not in the areas you're applying for.

It's so stupid!

You're actually in a great position,

because you've got a job here for as long as you want.

We know it's hard, but you just have to meet things head-on.

It's been head-on ever since I woke up in that blooming hospital

with a load of strangers staring at me.

When's life going to be simple again?

Is this the Aga Spa?

-(IN A FOREING ACCENT)

-Is written outside, no?

More like the Aga Bar.

Is place of relaxation. Spa and Bar.

It looked nicer than this on the internet.

I have just bought premises. Am waiting for refurbishing.

Is very good service.

I booked on...

Internet voucher, yes. But you are very late.

-Oh, fine, we'll go, then.

-Ah, no, no. There is still time.

We just do bit quicker.

Have very good grooming package for gentleman -

the sack, back and crack.

I don't think...

Ah...OK. Is shy boy.

So maybe facial - steam skin, make very clean?

Why don't you... I'll just wait here.

Not if you don't...

Come. Is treat from sweetheart. You must.

And for lady?

I was wondering about the decongesting wrap.

Ah, yes. Is really beautiful, make so slimming and relax.

Put on eye mask, drifting off.

-Sounds great.

-I'm not sure I want someone...

-You'll love it. It makes you feel so clean.

-Really, you are big baby.

I am not going to chop head off, just make skin beautiful.

I am expert. Promise.

-OK. As long as we're out by lunchtime.

-Of course.

So. I take facial and lady go with Tasha.

Hello.

She not speak much English.

Come, come.

Oh! Karen, makes such a difference you being back, you know.

Gives you all something to laugh at?

No. It means you can put your hand straight on something

when you need it.

It's just common sense, really.

You'd be surprised how many people

-just throw things back in any old file.

-Different people have different systems.

Those people who wrote those rejection letters

knew how good Karen is.

What? Not a single interview?

Thank you, Valerie.

No. Don't worry, cos you'll get that dream job,

if it's the last thing I do.

Absolutely. Although it'd be a shame to lose you -

-you're so brilliant with the patients.

-Not really.

You are. They love you.

They were always asking after you when you were off.

Mrs Walker?

My sweetheart!

Oh! Oh, my gosh.

Oh! You gorgeous thing, you.

Meow!

Two cards! You have outdone yourself, you little devil.

Two?

You little minx. I knew it was from you.

The poem, so tasteful.

Poem?

It's very romantic. Though I preferred my version.

That card is not from me, Valerie.

Oh.

Does that mean I've got a secret admirer?

SHE SNORES

Ooh, did I fall asleep?

No wonder - I was up all night doing balloons.

WAVES CRASHING AND GULLS CAWING

What does it look like?

Eurgh!

It looks radioactive. Is it supposed to be this colour?

I suppose it needs time to sink in?

No, no! I can't do it. Take it off. Take it off.

It itches and it looks like snot!

So, is feel clean, yes?

Yeah, really clean, actually.

Ah, no. For really clean, I make extractions.

-Extractions?

-Trust me. You will like. You are very good candidate.

Oh. Are you going to interrogate me or something?

-Ah!

-What are you doing?

-Ah-ah! Naughty boy.

Just one little worm!

HE GROANS

Was it good?

Er, yeah. Fantastic. How was yours?

Yeah, great! Let's have a look.

Don't worry. Is from extraction. In ten minutes gone.

So now you pick treatment for afternoon, yes?

Oh, right, I'll...

Why don't we pick when we come back?

MUSIC: "I've Got You Under My Skin" by Frank Sinatra

Thank you for fitting us in.

Do you think we could start with a bottle of champagne, please?

That last place was a bit stuffy.

It's much better to be somewhere where we can relax.

What?

Nothing.

I can't imagine anything nicer than sitting here with you.

-Me neither.

-Oh, I love this song.

Oh, hello! What happened to your fancy restaurant?

We both thought the other had booked, and it was full.

-Hear that, Ashley?

-Very frustrating.

Worked out well, though, hasn't it?

A double date!

Thank you.

What is that fluffy monstrosity in the staff room?

The practice mascot?

Ashley's love token to Valerie.

If you gave me something like that, I would throw you out.

Really? You don't want a little Valentine's treat?

Like a teddy or a fluffy rabbit?

I'm just relieved we don't have to go through all that nonsense.

All those unctuous messages and heart-shaped things.

Yeah. Commercialised nonsense and collective hysteria.

Precisely.

Well, Ashley's pushing for Minorca or Majorca,

but I quite fancy Benidorm.

Apparently, it's just like the telly series!

Exactly.

-Hermione likes Spain, don't you?

-You hear that, Ashley?

"PSYCHO" SHOWER MUSIC

For Minorca or Majorca...

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

SHE YELLS

-Hermione?

-Stab!

-Sorry?

So, when are you thinking of going?

Soon, hopefully. Need to tidy up downstairs first thing.

Is that spa any good?

Yeah, yeah, it's great. But we're thinking of doing something else

-this afternoon...

-Might we?

Get you. Those pampering days cost a fortune.

Really?

Yes, I was checking on the website. About 300 and...

Is there something wrong with your nose?

Probably an allergic reaction to the food.

I should get some air outside. Hermione, are you coming?

What? Oh, yes.

You know, this job can be exciting sometimes.

There was a siege once. You got Tasered in the bum.

One time, Howard installed CCTV just to see who was nicking the loo roll.

Really?

You'd be surprised.

This place could be a hot-bed of intrigue.

Just when you think it's all gone quiet, it kicks off again.

Things will get better. You'll see.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Yes, speaking.

Er, yes, please!

Yes, ten on Wednesday would be fine. Thank you.

I've got an interview!

Fantastic. What for?

Trainee hairdresser. Ace or what?!

Ace.

We can do something else, if you prefer.

No, it's fine, it's a really thoughtful gift.

But if it's not the right thing, I don't mind, honestly.

Ah. You are very fat.

Sorry?

Stuffing your face. So nice gentle treatment for afternoon.

-Don't want chuck up on table.

-Throwing. No.

The hot stones massage sounds nice.

Yes, perfect. Very soothing.

Sounds painful.

No. Is not beating up with rocks, is place carefully on.

You will see.

Actually, you can do together - Valentine treat.

Together sounds great.

Yeah, brilliant, yeah.

Good, so it's fixed. So you come.

Would you like to stroke my pussy?

What's the matter - cat got your tongue?

I'm fine.

Ooh. Excuse me. Must be the shampers.

So who do you think that Valentine's is from, then?

I have no idea.

Daniel? He's pretty flash.

Daniel? Not likely with Zara around?

Or that young one, bit of a scruff?

Chris? Nah.

The fat one. Or the one with the mullet?

Don't be daft. It's probably just a patient.

Do they flirt with you?

Mmm.

I like it when you're possessive.

Why don't we go and find a little spot in the stock cupboard

and live dangerously?

Give us a cuddle.

You say if stones too hot.

No. Feels great.

It's too hot.

Yes, because heat make blood flow round body. Is very relaxing.

I can think of better ways.

Is ancient Red Indian ritual.

Some people say the stones have magic qualities.

Make body release.

HE CHUCKLES

Ignore him, he's a bit uptight about things like this.

I am not.

Er, hanging your shirts one inch apart in the wardrobe

is relaxed, is it?

No. That is very uptight.

He can't help it. He's OCD.

-OCD?

-Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

-You know, washing your...

-Hermione?

I've got it too, except mine's more intrusive thoughts.

Ah...I see.

Now we leave you relax for while.

I'm totally stoned on endorphins.

Yeah, thanks for that.

What?

If I want them to know I'm OCD, I'll tell them.

Don't worry about them. They've heard everything.

You're looking chirpy.

-I've got an interview for a salon next week!

-A salon? Great.

Yes! Something creative, at long last!

So I'm wondering - do I do my hair a bit punky to show I've got flair?

Well, you'll probably start by sweeping up hair.

It'll be long hours, badly paid.

I'm not thick. I know you've got to put the time in.

It's a long apprenticeship, Karen.

I'm not being mean, but you'll probably have to prepare yourself

for the fact they might be looking for someone a bit younger.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

I'm glad you're not MY mum!

What's up with her?

I was over-realistic about an interview.

-She's got an interview?

-Mm-hm.

-Yes!

I just wanted to warn her they might be looking for someone younger.

If you put ideas like that in her head, she'll never get another job.

But she's got one.

A job she wants.

All right?

Was it you sent her that Valentine?

Eh? No.

I mean, I think Valerie's ace, but she's probably not into younger men.

Doesn't mean you're not into older women, though, does it?

Well, I'm not.

Take no notice, he's only joking.

I am not.

Right.

Will you calm down?

I am now a public figure and, as such,

I'm going to get some public attention.

It's par for the course.

Dozens of men could have sent that card. Couldn't they, Mandy?

-Er...

-I'll see you later.

It's nice to be in demand, eh?

You enjoy hot stones, yes? Very transporting.

Just not far enough away, unfortunately.

Mm.

Sometimes bring up deep things, make bad mood. But not worry.

Is part of cleansing process.

So, I know lady want hair mask, but for you?

Oh, no, I'll sit this one out, thanks.

-But is part of package.

-Think of it as a bonus, then.

No, no. Is not about the money - is about journey, cleansing, purging.

I'm cleansed enough, I think.

Mm-hm. This is just resistance to release.

Fear of emotion.

I'm not afraid of my emotions.

Aren't you?

I think deep-tissue massage for you work very well.

-With Tasha. She is very good.

-Oh, she's amazing!

Good. Is fix.

You wait for Tasha, and we make hair like mermaid.

"Don't get excited, it's only sweeping up people's hairy bits."

Oh. Hello.

Hi.

You need someone?

Er...Jimmi.

He's out Valentine-dining Hermione.

OK. Oh. Heston, then.

He's at the campus.

-Howard.

-He's in his room.

Are you all right? You seem down.

Bit. Maybe.

A bit. Or a lot?

They all keep saying I'm too old for everything!

I've got this hairdressing interview,

and with that, they're going, "Ooh, what do you want to be artistic for?"

Maybe they're right. Maybe I am too old.

You've got an interview at a hairdresser's.

That's...that's fantastic...

because you can do whatever you set your mind to.

Cos you're incredibly, incredibly creative.

I thought I was, but maybe I'm deluded.

No way. You're the reason why Immie is an artist.

Really?

Yes, really.

When she was six, the stuff you used to do in the garden

and the sculptures you made from branches

from a tree I'd chopped down.

Wow!

So, while is on, I give you manicure, yes?

Ooh, yes, please.

It's like an operating theatre.

Yes, and I am expert nail surgeon.

PSYCHO SHOWER MUSIC

SHE YELLS

Everything OK?

Hm? Fine.

You made Bart Simpson out of crisp packets.

I know who he is!

So don't get down. Don't give up.

Cos once you get your foot in that door, you'll impress any new boss.

Thank you.

Have fun with Howard.

What? Oh, yes.

I know you don't speak a word of English,

but you're brilliant at your job.

Trying to make me feel at home?

Oh! What are you doing?

Colonic, no?

No! No, no, no!

Loitering with intent, Sergeant?

I've come to see Jimmi.

He's with...

I mean Howard. I mean...got to get off.

Zara, are we being boring?

We could always go to supper if you like?

What, with all those bozos staring into their rigatoni,

wondering what on earth they've got to say to each other?

I would far rather have a TV dinner fest

-and a lovely bottle of Burgundy.

-OK.

Oh, by the way. This came for you.

Oh!

Oh! You surprised me!

So I see.

Did you forget something?

I've sussed who this card's from.

Who?

All these fancy words and twiddles.

It's obvious.

Heston.

Heston! Don't be daft.

I've never been more serious in my life.

In fact, I'd like to question him about it.

Do you really think that's a good idea? He is my boss.

Precisely.

So this CID?

-OCD.

-Yes.

But you are not cleaning?

No.

Is obvious. But he is very squeaky.

No, mine's more bonkers intrusive thoughts.

What kind of thoughts?

Well, like worrying I'm going to throw myself off the top

of a building or drive into the side of a wall.

That is crazy.

No. It's what most people think, a bit - it just doesn't take them over.

But with you is take over?

Yes.

So, what you are thinking now?

You don't want to know.

Believe me, in here I have heard everything.

I keep thinking I'm going to stab you with a nail file,

you know, like in Psycho.

SHE HUMS "PSYCHO" MUSIC

I'm not going to do it. I just think I am.

What's the matter?

She doesn't know the difference between collagen and colonic.

-What?

-She just tried to stick a tube up my...

-Anyway, right, I'm going. You can do what you want.

-Jimmi, wait...

I've got to go!

No. Go. Please.

Wonder if it was from Heston?

I thought we'd closed that subject.

Well, apparently not, because you're going to challenge him on it.

I'm not going to "challenge" him.

Just chat - man to man.

What if it's not Heston? I'll look a right nana.

You should be pleased I want to fight for you.

Fight? With Heston? What is this, The Three Musketeers?

You underestimate me.

Evidently. I didn't realise you were so jealous and possessive.

I never realised you were so insatiable for adoration.

Isn't my love enough?

What's insatiable about wanting to keep the first anonymous

Valentine's card you've ever had in your life?

Don't be ridiculous.

The first?

Yes. The first.

-Look, if I had known...

-Well, it doesn't matter now, does it?

Let's just get to the opera.

Right.

Jimmi, please stop.

Why? Do you want to stick a tube up my backside as well?

What were you thinking?

It's all about cleanliness. I thought you'd like it.

It's not though is it? It's ridiculous.

And what about broadcasting my OCD.

I wasn't broadcasting, I was telling the truth.

-Maybe I don't want you to.

-Why? I'm not ashamed.

-People will think we're bonkers.

-Who cares? We know we're not.

It's none of their business.

Jimmi. I don't care what people think.

We are what we are, and if you can't accept it in yourself,

-then how can you accept it in me?

-I do.

No, you don't. Obviously.

Hermione? Where are you going?

Come on, Hermione? Where are you going?

Hermione. Come on. I didn't mean it, OK.

Yes, you did. And it's fine.

I am what I am. Bonkers, manic, whatever.

It's taken me a long time to accept it, and I can't be

with someone who's too frightened and repressed to do the same.

Hermione, please wait.

# I've got you under my skin

# I've got you deep in the heart of me

# So deep in my heart that you are really a part of me

# I've got you under my skin

# I tried so not to give in

# I said to myself this affair never will go so well

# But why should I try to resist when, baby, I know so well

# I've got you under my skin. #

ALL: Aw...

Mrs Henning is determined to get you struck off.

We both know she could get you into some serious trouble.

An abortion's a minefield.

Nevertheless, we have a duty to investigate.

If she had said, "Do you think my mother is wrong?"

what would you have said?

I've got the sisterhood on my back

because I supported a woman's right to choose!

Who's doing the choosing, Al - you or Fliss?

Fliss.