Love is Blind Doctors

Three, two, one.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, bad luck, caller. So near and yet so far.

You not going to get that?

No, It'll just be Scarlett Johansson, and she bores me.

In that case...pub?

That's the best idea you've ever had.

Great. You can see Hermione again.

-Actually...

-She's desperate to see you.

I think I better head off home. I've got to wash the...dog.

You don't have a dog.

Come on, mate, after a day of haemorrhoids, hernias

and hypochondriacs, the last thing I want to do is play gooseberry.

Anyway, you don't want me to meet her.

Why don't I want you to meet her?

Because when it comes to romance, I'm a miserable, bitter, old coot.

I'll just be looking for reasons for you to dump her.

A fiver says you won't find one.

Come on. Just one drink. Please? Please!

-Please?

-I'm not doing karaoke.

Tomorrow's my last day. If I go home, I'll just mope.

Good evening, ladies.

You look dapper! Doing anything nice tonight.

Yes, I have a...social occasion.

There must be something we can do

that doesn't involve murdering power ballads.

What are you doing to tonight, Mrs Tembe?

I wish to take my godson to an event at the church hall.

Apparently, Thursday night is play dating night.

Play dating... That's a speed dating event.

I don't think that's really suitable for Joe.

Is speed dating the one where

-everybody puts their keys into a bowl and...

-No!

It's where you get a couple of minutes with a few different guys

and, at the end,

you put a tick by the names of any you'd like to see again.

If they've ticked you too, then you go on a date.

-That sounds terrible!

-That sounds brilliant!

-Let's go!

-Tonight?

Yeah? Beats karaoke. Mand, you going to come?

I don't think they'll really cater for me.

I've got a friend coming round for dinner anyway.

Oh, yes? A "friend", eh?

Yes. A friend. Won't your Ashley be jealous?

Oh, no. Ashley's not the jealous type.

And just because Valerie's not ordering,

doesn't mean she can't have a peek at the menu.

-You coming, Mrs Tembe?

-No.

-Why not?

The whole concept is shallow and distasteful.

Love is a spiritual connection with another person,

built over time through the sharing of knowledge and experience.

You cannot judge whether you're compatible with someone

based on a few minutes of small-talk.

No, I would not be seen dead at such an event!

Admit it - you're hoping to get lucky?

I am not!

I only agreed to come

because all proceeds are going to the church and Mrs Bagshot

was worried that she did not have sufficient female participants.

So you don't want to meet tall, dark, handsome millionaire then?

In Letherbridge? I think that is very unlikely.

Oh, excuse me, ladies.

Apparently I parked the Jag in the wrong spot

and I wouldn't want to get into trouble with the man upstairs.

Are we going in or what?

You don't suppose they're serving alcohol, do you?

Where is she then?

She's dropping some stuff off at the house.

Your house?

Yeah.

She's staying over.

We're both consenting adults.

What you do with Little Jimmi is none of my business.

But come on, giving her a key to your house?!

What's wrong with that?

Fine. Your funeral.

Sorry I'm late!

Are we getting food?

No, I'm not hungry any more.

-How much is it?

-It's...

-The coffee?

It's just a donation, I think.

-It's just instant.

-Well, it's all for a good cause.

Thank you.

It makes me want to be back in Kenya. Coffee to die for.

-Were you on holiday or...?

-Used to live there out there actually.

It was a long time ago but I still miss it.

-You travel much?

-No. But I'd like to.

I better let you get back to your friends.

I'll see you later.

It's a date.

CUPS RATTLE

Jimmi, could I borrow some money? I think I've left my purse at home.

Of course.

-And so it begins.

-What?

I bet you don't even get your change back.

Shut up! At least I've got a girlfriend.

Childish.

So, what do you think then. Really?

Yeah, she's...nice.

"Nice"?

-What do you want to me say?

-Here you go, boys.

So, Hermione, tell me all about yourself. What do you do?

Oh... Everything and anything, really.

I've moved around a lot, so I tend to just find work wherever I end up.

I once spent a summer working in a goose hatchery.

So you've never wanted to settle down?

Never had a reason to. Till now. Oh, before I forget...

Thank you.

SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Surely you want to achieve something more with your life?

What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?

We're just getting to know each other.

Don't you think the idea of "achievement" is a little Victorian?

It's like saying we're not valued as human beings

unless we've climbed Everest or become a partner in a law firm.

That's not what I'm saying at all.

That life is short and it shouldn't wasted.

How is doing what makes me happy "wasting my life"?

What about kids? You want to have a family?

Or is that too Victorian for you as well?

I'm certainly not going to rush into it.

I wasn't at the front of the queue

when God was handing out maternal instinct.

Let's not bring God into this.

I wonder what He would've made of all this.

The speed dating, I mean.

He would not have liked it one bit.

I'm not so sure.

After all, "we love because he first loved us."

Love is not a superficial, physical attraction.

Physical attraction in itself isn't a sin,

especially if it helps us to find love.

You cannot love someone after two minutes.

Maybe not. But love, like every journey, has to start somewhere.

Perhaps.

Apparently we're still waiting for one more "eligible bachelor".

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Michael Buble!

Sorry I'm late, lovely. I didn't have time to get changed.

Wow, I can't believe you went to so much effort.

And here's me looking like a complete scruff bag.

Don't be daft. It's nothing really.

It's good to see you. It's been ages.

Glass of wine?

-That would be lovely.

-Red? Or White?

I got both because I didn't know which you liked.

-Whichever you're having.

-OK... I'll leave you to...

I thought you didn't want to stay long?

I'm just getting warmed up!

Sorry, we were just discussing our plans for later.

Like I said before, what Jimmi does with...

Hermione has got an interesting idea to help me

overcome my claustrophobia.

What do you mean?

Exposure therapy.

I saw a fascinating documentary about a specialist in America...

Firstly, just because some wannabe celebrity calls himself

a specialist, it doesn't mean they know what they're talking about.

Secondly, if Jimmi were to benefit from exposure therapy,

it would need to be conducted in a safe environment

by a qualified psychologist.

I've lived with OCD my entire life. That makes me qualified.

I think Hermione's idea sounds interesting.

-I don't want to cause offence...

-That's a first.

..but your OCD is exactly the thing that is going to keep you

-from having a dispassionate view.

-What's wrong with a bit of passion?

Nothing, but it has a destabilising effect

when it comes to mental health.

Why don't we just enjoy our drinks and...

I think it's sweet that you care about your friend,

but for your information we are helping each other.

Are you? Really?

What Jimmi needs is a more conventional approach

proven modern medicine led by qualified practitioners.

Modern medicine doesn't have all the answers. Alternative techniques...

Are only adopted by the mainstream when they've been proved to work.

Rubbish! The establishment ignores anything new for as long as it can.

That's the problem with modern medicine -

it's driven by stuffy old men in bow-ties

who are terrified of change!

-I am so sorry that I am late.

-Heston?

I didn't know you went speed dating!

Speed dating. Um...

I thought it was the local history society.

I must have got my dates muddled up...

Go on stay! It's just a bit of fun.

Yes, it must be very difficult to meet like-minded people.

Speak for yourself.

BELL RINGS

Oh, ding, ding! Round one!

No, I'm not really... If you insist.

-Looks like you've got me first.

-Lucky me.

Go on. Sell yourself!

Really?

Isn't that a bit awkward?

No, it's good practice. Just pretend that I'm your perfect woman.

Very well.

I am Heston. May I have the pleasure of your name?

Ooh. Yes. I'm Valerie.

Valerie? What a beautiful name. It suits you.

Oh! You're good at this!

So, Valerie...tell me...

..what are you looking for in a relationship?

We bought a fridge together.

I've never owned a fridge with someone before.

This is wonderful, by the way.

So...what happened?

I was running a gym session at work.

Some bloke falls off his running machine, smashes into me

and cracks my head against the wall.

My boss sent me home early.

I walked into our flat in the middle of the day and...found Jess

having a work-out with another woman.

Ouch.

That's what she said when I threw a can of beans at her.

-Sorry. I shouldn't laugh.

-It's fine.

What about you?

-Anyone on the horizon?

-Me? No!

Can't say I've had many offers recently.

I don't believe that!

Surely every hot-blooded woman in Letherbridge is getting ill

just to have an excuse to come and visit you?

There's not really been anyone since...

Freya?

You know, when you called I hoped...

There's loads more of this left if you want some?

No, it was delicious, but...maybe I should leave room for dessert?

I'm going to head off.

That's a shame, mate.

There's an online lecture I want to catch.

It's on The Voluntary Suppression of the Gag Reflex.

Sounds fascinating.

Well, in that case, maybe we should go.

I'm just going to nip to the loo.

It was nice to meet you, Al.

Jimmi was right about you.

-Good luck with all your therapies.

-Thank you.

You don't like me very much, do you?

I wouldn't say that. I just...

What are you doing?

Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

You won't say anything to Jimmi, will you?

I think I need some air.

Tell Jimmi I'll be waiting outside.

Where's she gone?

So? Have you come up with a reason for me to dump her then

or do you owe me a fiver?

-I owe you a fiver.

-I will see you tomorrow, mate.

BELL RINGS

MUSIC: "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer

So, what is the significance of the half and half?

BELL RINGS

That's terrible. What happened to your fifth wife?

I said... "I also like classical music."

See that's funny because I work in medicine as well.

Although being a receptionist is not quite the same as somebody who

researches infectious tropical diseases.

BELL RINGS

Yet to find your true love?

You could say that.

The night is young. I'm Julian by the way.

Karen.

Karen.

You do realise we've only got a couple of minutes.

Well, that depends.

On what?

On whether or not you give me a tick.

Because if you do, then we have all the time we want.

To be honest, I am only here to support the church.

I see. So are you already in a relationship?

No, but...

Wouldn't you like to find someone to share your life with?

Perhaps.

As I said, every journey has to start somewhere.

So do you have any more trips planned?

I find travelling far more pleasurable

when you have somebody to share the sights with.

After all a sunset is just another sunset without them.

So if you could be anywhere in the world, this moment...?

I'd be right here, with you.

You know, I'm surprised there isn't already a ring on that finger.

I was married once, a long time ago.

I would much prefer to not talk about it.

I completely understand.

Looking backwards can sometimes be painful, can't it?

Which is why I prefer to focus on the future.

So what's important to you in a relationship?

Trust.

BELL RINGS

-And you trust me completely?

-Yes.

Then you have to put yourself completely in my hands.

What are you going to do?

That would be telling.

Ready?

Just think of it as a game.

-Can you see anything?

-No. I am completely at your mercy.

Good.

SONG: "Trust In Me"

Come on. Come and get me.

Not bad. I could get used to this.

We're only just getting started.

Getting colder.

Come on, that's cheating.

I don't even know where we are any more. Or what room we're in.

-I think you're ready.

-Ready for what?

Come with me.

I'm taking that recipe home with me.

I've got a confession to make. I bought it.

-From the deli. Sorry.

-Sorry? Why?

Now I can have it again and I don't even need to make it myself.

Sorry, I've wanted to do that all night.

I... I'll just...

-How did it go?

-Oh. You know.

What does that mean?

It was...fun.

It was not as bad as expected.

-I've got a problem.

-What sort of problem?

U.M.A.

-Unwanted male attention.

-From whom?

-Julian?

-No!

Then who?

-Heston. BOTH:

-Heston?

Oh, yes. Absolutely. You should have seen his eyes.

Don't even think about it.

-Excuse me?

-I saw him first.

-Who?

You know exactly who I'm talking about!

You are hardly in a position to...

-You didn't even want to come tonight!

-Perhaps not, but...

So...how was it for you?

Can I take this off now?

Let me.

Before you open your eyes,

I want you to remember how you are feeling right now...

Surprise! We're going to stay in here together all night.

-I can't.

-Wait. Stay.

I can't.

Nothing bad will happen. You're safe.

I told you. We're staying in here all night.

-I'm so sorry!

-You stupid...

-Are you hurt?

-Let me take it off.

-Let me have a look.

-No, we just need some room.

-I'm fine, honestly!

-Scalding can be terribly serious.

-Can you see if you can do something with that?

-Honestly...

No, I think we need to get some cold water on you. Come on.

He is not the only one.

-Just breathe.

-I can't! Just let me out!

-Calm down. You can do this.

-Give me the key.

-No!

Stop it! Jimmi, stop it!

Please!

How are you getting on with that jacket?

Apparently, Karen and that Mr Hale are going for a drink.

Tell her it will be ready when it is ready.

PHONE RINGS

I'm sorry I have accidentally...

I am sorry this is Mr Hale's phone?

No, I am not one of his work colleagues.

Actually, I have only met him this evening.

Who can I say is calling?

OBJECT DROPS

I see.

Edinburgh?

It's a good opportunity. A management position.

Wow. Sounds exciting.

I only found out this afternoon. That's why I was late.

It hasn't really sunk in.

Congratulations.

I haven't said I'll take it yet.

Will you?

I don't know. It depends.

On what?

What's wrong?

-I'm sorry I can't.

-Why not?

It feels wrong.

-It's too soon.

-Too soon?

But... It's been ages!

-It doesn't feel that way to me!

-Sorry, I didn't mean...

I don't get it. The candles? The music?

I'm sorry. I thought I was ready...

It doesn't matter. Forget it.

-I think I should...

-You don't have to.

I've got an early start in the morning anyway.

Thank you for a lovely night.

I don't know about you, but I'm glad to be out of that place.

I thought you enjoyed it?

I enjoyed meeting you.

But the rest of those women... You could smell the desperation.

That's horrible.

I think it tastes all right.

No, you deserve the best.

Actually, I know a little place not far from here.

A boutique hotel. It's got a wonderful wine cellar.

Sounds great.

But I think we should stay here. I've invited some friends.

-What's going on?

-Nothing.

I'd just rather spend the evening with these lovely ladies,

than a cheating, pathetic worm like you.

Is that desperation I can smell?

But...

I don't understand.

Perhaps I can clear that up for you.

This is a message from your wife.

Don't be angry with me.

I'm sorry.

-Maybe we should try again?

-What?

Come back in there with me.

-We can cuddle up and...

-You don't get it, do you?

At least I'm trying!

At least I'm not giving up without a fight!

I'm going to call you a taxi.

Jimmi! Jimmi!

I thought you were calling us a taxi?

They've got nothing for an hour.

What is the matter?

It's just my luck. He was married.

I don't know why you're looking for somebody else

because your Rob is quite a looker.

He's not my Rob!

You really think so?

Sergeant Hollins is certainly easy on the eye.

I definitely saw him first.

I'm going to miss you lot!

I'll probably fail my assessment and you can have my job.

Oh, no, the Mill needs you.

And right now, you need The Mill.

PHONE RINGS

Ashley!

Where are you?

-I'm in the pub.

-Oh.

-I thought we were going to...

-Didn't you get my message?

We've been out at this dating thing.

Heston was there - we had such a laugh.

I see.

Ashley?

Ashley?

I think we got cut off.

What?

-Hiya.

-Hi.

-Do you want to come in?

-No.

I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to take that job.

I'll be leaving in a week.

Right. Congratulations.

-Couldn't you have just...

-And... I don't want you to hate me,

but I think that somebody should say this

-and if I don't then I'll regret it.

-What?

If you're not into me, that's cool.

But you're a beautiful, funny, kind person

and Freya's been dead a long time.

-You need to move on.

-I...

The Freya I knew wouldn't want you to be alone

and miserable for the rest of your life.

If you want to honour her memory, don't throw your life away.

Just think about it.

Goodbye, Mandy.

In time you will meet someone else.

Scoundrel!

Obviously there must have been something about him

to make me marry him in the first place.

What's in the box?

Behold.

Please tell me that those are fakes?

I've got a challenge for you.

Unless it involves eating my sandwich and ignoring you.

I'm not interested.