The Soundtrack of Your Life Doctors

MUSIC: "Love Story" by Andy Williams

# Where do I begin

# To tell the story Of how great a love can be

# The sweet love story That is older than the sea

# That sings the truth about the love she brings to me

# Where do I start?

# With the first hello... #

Do you think we should get her a cake or something?

I do not believe that is necessary.

The last time she left she was a little...

-Histrionic?

-Emotional.

No, I think it will be easier for her

if we just carry on as if this is just a normal day.

-You really think that will calm her down?

-I do.

No tears.

When I left last time, I took this as a memento.

But I'm a much stronger person now,

and I realise that all I need are my memories.

So here.

Thank you.

Today is going to break my heart all over again, but...

please try to be strong for me.

Oh, yeah, she's going to be so much more restrained this time.

Do you think I go with Rob?

Don't know. Yeah.

Sure.

Hey.

Morning.

What's up with you two?

Uh... Nothing.

Can I ask you a question?

Uh-huh.

Objectively speaking, would you say Rob is a good-looking guy?

I've, um, I haven't really thought about that.

What are you doing for lunch?

-Uh?

-Fancy sharing a bite to eat?

I didn't get much sleep last night. I won't be great company.

All right for some.

No, it wasn't like that.

Come on. I'll buy you a sandwich.

Make it soup and you're on.

Oh! You poor, sweet man.

I know this is going to be hard on you,

but I do think it's for the best.

I beg your pardon?

I've just come to say goodbye.

Oh. Right.

Well, it's been lovely working with you again.

Think of me sometimes.

Valerie. I hardly think

this is appropriate.

But don't let the memory of me hold you back.

In time, you will meet someone else.

Scoundrel!

MUSIC: "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.

# ..The night is yours alone

# When you're sure you've had enough

# Of this life

# Hang on

# Don't let yourself go... #

I need an appointment.

I'm sorry,

all our doctors are busy today.

I might be able to squeeze you in with a nurse.

-Is it an emergency?

-Yes.

I think I'm going mad.

SONG CONTINUES IN HIS HEAD

Why don't we sit down and talk about this like rational human beings?

Oh, yes, hide behind words rather than face me like a man.

Ashley, don't hurt him!

Valerie is my woman!

Yes, and you are welcome to her.

I knew your intentions were not pure.

The evidence was piling up,

but now, finally, I've caught you in the act.

What evidence?

The Valentine's card. Stalking her at speed dating.

And now this...urg, erotic hug.

What are you talking about?

You have compromised my lady's honour.

There's only one way to settle this.

A duel!

Are you out of your mind?

Yes, with love!

Listen carefully. We are not having a duel.

Oh, yes!

Not man enough to face me?

Talk to him, Valerie. He's bonkers.

I've never had two men fighting over me before.

Oh, for pity's sake!

I shall return later, when I will demand satisfaction.

Oh! That was SO romantic.

MUSIC: "Dry Bones" by The Delta Rhythm Boys

So, what seems to be the problem?

In your own time, mate. Nothing to worry about.

Everything you say in here is confidential, all right?

I hear music.

Oh! I don't think so.

No, I mean in here. All the time.

Everywhere I go, everything I do, I have a soundtrack accompanying me.

SONG CONTINUES IN HIS HEAD

This is the one with the papers missing.

It's a common surname, so it's probably in one of the other files.

Right, I will go through them and find them for you.

Thanks, Mrs Tembe.

-You won't believe what's happened.

-You're probably right there.

My two suitors are going to have a duel.

What...?! Did you say a 'duel'?

I did.

-Two suitors?

-Yeah.

Heston and Ashley, of course.

But Heston isn't your suitor. Is he?

Beneath that calm exterior, his passions run deep.

And they're going to have a fight?

Why on earth would they do that?

For love, of course.

Right, I see.

Well, who do you want to win?

I don't know.

Oh, it's like Sliding Doors.

I can see my two futures spinning out.

But which one do I want? How do I decide?

I can't see anything obviously wrong.

You've got no wax, no inflammation.

Your notes say that you've got partial hearing loss?

Yeah, I had measles when I was younger,

which damaged my auditory vestibular nerve.

Mum and Dad didn't believe in the MMR vaccine.

Which is why, without these,

I don't really hear very much in the real world.

Can you hear music now?

Yeah...and no.

It's John Cage's silent composition.

That doesn't sound so bad.

It's only four minutes and 33 seconds long.

MUSIC PLAYS IN HIS HEAD

It's changed.

What it's playing now?

Romeo And Juliet.

Can you imagine what it's like having Dire Straits

playing in your head with no prior warning?

Have you been diagnosed with any other conditions in the past?

-Nothing serious.

-And there's no family history?

Uncle played the oboe.

No, I mean, auditory hallucinations?

No.

What happens if you take the hearing aid out?

It doesn't really make any difference.

It feels like it gets louder the more attention I pay to it,

but other than that, it just does its own thing.

Why Romeo And Juliet?

Recently, it's been mainly love songs.

Any reason for that?

Because music isn't the only thing I can't get out of my head.

Well, I...I could section her.

Do not be flippant, Dr Reid.

How should I decide between them?

What makes you think that Heston is in love with you?

There are so many reasons. Do I really have to list them?

Maybe it will help.

Well, there was the Valentine's card he sent me.

And you definitely know that that was from him?

Of course it was. Poor Ashley was green with jealousy.

And what else?

Well, we got close at the panto.

He did write Cinderella for me.

I am his muse.

I wonder what they're both like as lovers.

MRS TEMBE RETCHES

Of course I have already known Ashley. Physically.

There is no need to go into any details.

And Heston. Gentle, sweet Heston.

Maybe sectioning is not such a bad idea.

You see, perks of the job, Mrs Tembe.

MUSIC: "All By Myself" by Celine Dion

# All by myself... #

-Are you all right, Max?

-Uh-huh.

You left in a hurry.

Yeah, I had a meeting I'd forgotten about.

I tidied up your desk.

You know what Tony's like about neatness.

Yeah, thank you.

No problem.

Amy...?

Hey, so what time are we meeting up tonight?

Straight after work?

Sure.

Look, do you fancy getting something to eat

before we...get down to business?

OK. Nothing too heavy though, cos I'm watching my figure.

You're not the only one.

# All by myself... #

Thank you, and thank you for coming.

Don't be silly.

Sometimes you just need to see a friendly face, don't you?

And I can trust you to tell me the truth.

About what?

I'm sorry to keep banging on about Rob,

but I can't stop thinking about him.

You are married to him.

And I was thinking...

that I would like to start seeing someone.

Well, not many people get to date their husband twice,

so you might enjoy it.

Oh! It just seems so unreal. I mean, the kids...

I mean, they're my kids. Oh!

Anyway, I thought I would invite him to lunch

and find out a bit more about him.

-I think that's an excellent idea.

-Really?

See, cos I am curious.

Obviously, there must have been something about him

to make me marry him in the first place.

Lots of things, I'd say.

Maybe.

I mean, he seems like a decent bloke.

And he looks very nice in his uniform.

Oh!

What?

Our circumstances are really weird,

and he's always so...

...heavy around me. He's so intense.

Trust me, compared to Hermione, Rob is positively laid back.

What's going on with you two?

Hey, just the man.

It's lunchtime.

-I've got a challenge for you.

-Unless it involves eating my sandwich

and ignoring you, I'm not interested.

You will be. It's a patient with a very unusual condition.

It's your speciality.

All right, book an appointment.

I'll see them another time.

Oh, OK. I guess if you're not up for it...

Your Jedi mind tricks are not going to work on me.

The force is strong with this one.

To be honest, it's probably not something

you can really help with anyway, you know.

-We'll never know.

-Yeah, OK.

All right, Reid!

-What is it?

-You sure?

I could always ask the opinion of one of the more experienced doctors.

Just tell me.

OK. Male, mid thirties. He hears music everywhere he goes.

-He knows it's not real?

-Yes. So he's not psychotic.

And he's suffering from hearing loss, isn't he?

How did you know that?

-It's Musical Ear Syndrome?

-What?!

Is that, is that even real?

Yeah, it's like an auditory version of Charles Bonnet Syndrome.

OK, now you're just showing off. Charles who?

What? Oh, do some homework, man!

Charles Bonnet described visual hallucinations in the blind.

I'll pop my invoice in the post to you.

And in the meantime, let's just bask in my genius.

I'll leave you to bask alone.

She doesn't know about boundaries, you know.

At first I thought it was exciting, but now...

-she goes too far.

-Yeah, but you like her, don't you?

Yeah. She's fun - she can be alive, she can be quirky.

But then, she lets things get out of hand and I just don't know any more.

Why are you looking for reasons for it not to work

when you're clearly suited?

Ha! I could say the same about you.

Yeah, but at least, I'm going to try and find out something about him.

When did relationships get so complicated?

Used to be that you'd meet someone, get married, stay together for ever.

It's meant to be that simple.

Complicated relationships are all we've got, so...

Yeah.

To complicated relationships.

I'll drink to that.

JAWS THEME TUNE PLAYS

-Penny for them.

-Uh?

Your thoughts.

Oh! I was just...thinking about corporate restructuring.

I guess someone has to.

MUSIC INTENSIFIES

Yeah, the boys are going to be down there Friday night.

That's going to be a massive one.

A two-day hangover at the very least.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello?

Please tell me that you're not going to go through with this madness.

Fear not, my sword will remain firmly in its sheath.

Oh, literally, or is that a euphemism?

I'm not going to fight a duel over Valerie.

I've known you do crazier things.

He's posturing, Ashley's just showing off.

What was he going to fight you with anyway?

Barbed words?

I don't think either of us are the swashbuckling type.

I'm relieved to hear it.

It is time.

Ashley, I'll give it a miss.

Coward.

Steady on.

What's in the box?

Behold.

Please tell me that those are fakes?

How could we fight with fakes?

Be careful, my love.

You don't need to worry about me.

So, sir, shall we retire to the battlefield?

Ashley, this is ridiculous.

We're not going to shoot each other over Valerie.

-We're not in the 19th century.

-I knew it.

You are too much of a coward to face me.

Will you stop saying that?

Only a man without honour would hide behind words.

HE CLUCKS

How dare you.

HE CONTINUES CLUCKING

This is intolerable!

I shall be waiting outside.

Then, we will see who is the man, and who is the mouse.

I thought he was a chicken.

He is both. He is a mouse and a chicken.

And a spineless coward.

Heston, you're not going out there.

I will not be spoken to in that way.

Then you will write him a very sternly-worded letter.

But this is a health centre,

we cannot start firing pistols on the patio.

They're only replicas.

And when they go bang? May I remind you

that we have the over sixties incontinence group this afternoon.

And when they get a shock, I am not going to be cleaning up after them.

I'm only going to have a civilised conversation with him.

Excuse me. Set him straight on a few things.

ROCKY THEME TUNE PLAYS

Thanks for coming.

We're going to crack this.

ROCKY THEME TUNE CONTINUES

Musical Ear Syndrome?

It's a real thing.

-No...

-Really.

See, you're not the only one.

You might not be able to stop the music,

but you can change the way you feel about it.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

-Do you reckon?

-Yes.

And remember, it's you who is choosing the music,

even if it's your subconscious.

So maybe you're just trying to tell yourself something.

I think I know what the songs are trying to tell me.

Yeah. Then maybe you should do something about it.

ROCKY THEME TUNE CONTINUES

If I don't survive this encounter...

But you will! You must!

But if I don't, know that I go to my grave thinking only of you.

-I love you.

-I love you too.

There's been a terrible misunderstanding.

I didn't believe you'd come.

I don't have romantic feelings for Valerie and I never have done.

Liar! You would say anything to save your own skin.

I would not. Valerie, I don't love you.

Truly, madly, deeply, I don't.

You are without honour. Face me.

-No.

-Ten paces, then turn and fire.

One...

Great job calming him down.

..two... Stand back, my love.

..three...

It's a fake. Let him have his fun.

..four...

The pair of them are delusional.

..five...

The last thing we should do is encourage them.

-..six...

-Ashley, where did you get these guns?

..seven...

Why?

-..eight...

-I'd get out of the way if I were you.

..nine...

Why? What's wrong

..ten!

Hang on a minute...

GUNSHOT

ASHLEY MOANS

ROCKY THEME TUNE CONTINUES

So, are you looking forward to tonight?

-Yeah.

-Might want to book the morning off, just in case.

What? A couple of drinks, sparkling company,

you never know what might happen.

Amy, could I have a word, please?

-Sure.

-In there.

Trying to get her alone?

Watch out, Amy, you know what they say -

it's the quiet ones you've got to look out for.

MUSIC: "Your Song" by Elton John

# It's a little bit funny

# This feeling inside... #

What is it?

# ..those who can easily... #

I was just...

# ..don't have much money... #

I was just...

Max?

OK. Right, this is going to seem really weird...

but I don't know how else to say it.

Say what?

-HE SINGS ALONG:

-# If I was a sculptor

# But then again, no

# Or a man who makes potions

# In a travelling show

# I know it's not much

# But it's the best I can do

# My gift is my song

# And this one's for you... #

Oh, my poor, injured hero.

I failed you.

Oh, no, you could never do that.

Is this OK?

Perfect.

Right. OK, this is going to sting a bit,

because you've got quite a burn there.

All right.

HE GROANS

What have you been playing at?

Trust me when I say you don't want to know.

Is that a gun?

Why did you shoot him?

I didn't. He shot himself.

You bested me, sir.

No. Um...

You were right about me.

I was too cowardly to pull the trigger.

Even though my heart beats with love for this wondrous lady,

and I must step aside for the better man.

Am I dreaming?

Sadly not. But hopefully, we can get back to reality

and forget this ever happened.

Or not.

# ..I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind

# That I put down in words

# How wonderful life is

# Now you're in the world. #

Who'd have thought you had such a beautiful voice?

-Sorry.

-Why?

MUSIC STOPS

It's stopped.

What?

I hear songs, all the time.

Everywhere I go.

I can't get them out of my head.

They remind me of you.

I've never been serenaded before.

Sorry, I shouldn't have done it.

I know you're going out with Paul tonight.

That? Oh, no. No, no, that's just a work schmoozing thing.

Believe me, I wouldn't want to spend any more time with him

-than I absolutely had to.

-Oh. Right...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Good, OK, good.

Um... Then...

Uh...

Maybe you should stick to singing.

The answer's yes.

I didn't ask you anything.

Yeah, you did.

MUSIC: "For Once In My Life" by Frank Sinatra

# For once in my life I've got someone... #

Where did you get the guns?

A gentleman never reveals his sources.

You can either tell me here or down at the station.

Makes no difference to me.

A friend of mine is involved in Cavalier reconstruction battles.

-He lent them to me. Ow!

-Um...

They are very good replicas.

They only fire blanks.

You can still hurt someone firing blanks.

I know, I did - me!

Did you know there are serious penalties for carrying

around weapons like this without a license?

No. I didn't.

Sergeant Hollins, could we...?

I don't really want to talk to you just yet.

I didn't know they were dangerous.

My friend just said they'd make an impressive sound.

I thought it would impress Valerie.

Yeah, well, I hope it did,

because three different members of the public have phoned in

saying they've heard a gunshot.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to let you off this time with a warning.

Oh, oh, thank you.

But I will need to keep the guns.

My friend will want them back.

Well, then he'll have to come down the station, won't he,

and explain why he's lending out dangerous weapons!

Yes, thank you, Sergeant Hollins.

Hello.

Hi.

And now, my sweet, I shall carry you off into the sunset.

Are those two clowns for real?

You don't have to work with them.

How's the job hunt going?

It's a mini disaster. But you know what?

I think I like it here.

You always did.

Bye, everyone. It's been a magical time.

Is this going to be a long speech?

Goodbye, Valerie.

Ashley, goodbye.

-Oh, sorry...

-Oh!

Right, can we get back to normality?

Al. You got a moment.

Listen, I'm sorry if I've been a bit grouchy with you today.

I had an argument with Hermione when we got in last night.

Oh.

Yeah, so I didn't mean to be grumpy.

And sorry if I've been avoiding you.

Mate, I've been in a grump since last night as well.

But Hermione is history, yes?

Oh, no! She's way too special to lose.

Oh.

I thought you'd be please for me.

Look, mate, something happened in the pub last night. Something weird.

You had less than ten pints?

No, it wasn't that. It was...

It was Hermione.

What?

I know normally we wouldn't be natural love rivals

-and I would never tread on your toes.

-What are you talking about?

When you went to the loo last night, Hermione kissed me.

Shut up.

Look, I didn't reciprocate and I'm aware that it sounds ridiculous,

it's just that after Daniel and Blondie,

it didn't seem right not to say anything.

You're Dr Jimmi Clay and you're my main man and...

I'm sorry.

I have bought a few gifts.

This is for his bedroom.

-Where's my bag? I need my phone.

-No.

You only came in with two sets of wings and single wand.

Oh, it was just a kiss!

So are we ready to rock and roll?

We're ready.

May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the love of God and the fellowship

of the Holy Spirit be with you all.