Wires Crossed Doctors


Wires Crossed

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Morning.

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Yeah, good.

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Thank you. What's the catch?

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-There is no catch.

-You're not going to try and convince me

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that I like going down the dogs, or mud-wrestling or something?

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Funnily enough - and this is really weird -

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mud is involved.

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"Relax in the natural surroundings of the Aquarian Spa and Lodge."

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Ooh, The Aquarian.

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Great beds.

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I thought I better put you first, this time.

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There's not a sports channel,

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a pool table or a dartboard within nine miles of this place.

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What was it like? Was it good?

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-No idea.

-Why?

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Scented candles, perfumed oils,

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generous Roman-style bath.

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Didn't leave the room for three days.

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Needed another holiday just to recover.

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You think this is a dirty weekend?

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Oh. Er, no!

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Gotta go.

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-WOMAN:

-Coffee. Just coffee.

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Could you pass the milk, please?

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I'll be over here.

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Your dream guy's here.

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Tried some weird line on me about milk.

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-You spoke to him?! Oh, Zoe! You promised!

-What?

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I can tell you, I am done with hot, arty grunge puppies.

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You dodged a bullet with him, trust me.

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The bullet dodged me. It always does.

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I can't help that he fell for me, Lena.

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But trust me, this new guy?

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Not for me. I mean, look at him.

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He's gorge', yeah,

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but these brooding, loner types...

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I mean, sure, there's great,

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intense, ripped T-shirt stuff at the start,

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but then it just gets messy.

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What I wouldn't do for a guy to just see me and not you.

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I swear. I'm not interested.

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Look how good we'd be together.

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You...left these.

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Oh, my God. He was right there!

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You scared him away!

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Better me frightening him away than your unicorn wedding fantasy.

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I'll make it up to you. I promise.

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I mean, I do fancy you,

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and obviously I would like to do it, but it's not about that.

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Aah!

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I don't understand why you're getting so angry.

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It's not like we haven't done it before.

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-I haven't!

-We've got two kids!

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What about that bloke at Christmas?

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I'm surprised you took me to the pictures.

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Why didn't we just nip out by the bike sheds?!

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It's supposed to be a nice, romantic weekend.

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I can't just switch it off.

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-Eeurgh!

-No, not that!

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I'm talking about how I feel about you!

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Oh, this is ridiculous!

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-Oh, mate. You shouldn't have.

-No, I shouldn't.

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What did I miss?

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He was right there.

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Like...destiny or something. And I blew it.

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Look, it could have been much worse.

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He could have seen the fact you'd drawn him

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-as a shirtless dude with a sword.

-Not helping.

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Look, you keep putting these guys on pedestals

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and then panicking about it until you have a massive meltdown.

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Look, he's over there.

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Just go up to him. Find something in common, talk about it.

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Do that. I'll be your wingman.

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I still don't know his name.

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Just start talking. Something in common.

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Charity abseil!

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Oh, those poor, poor souls.

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Yeah. It's a real shame.

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Are you doing it? The abseil?

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Yeah! You?

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Yeah.

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-Those poor animals, right?

-Right!

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Hi. Sorry to butt in.

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Er... Can we have a word?

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I guess I'll see you around.

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What are you doing?!

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You just told him you're doing the abseil!

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You said, "Find something in common." Now we have the abseil.

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You're afraid of heights.

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What's he going to think when you start crying

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halfway up a wall, tied to a shoelace?

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If they would just stop sneezing for five minutes,

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I might be able to hear myself think.

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It's that time of year.

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Half hay fever, half colds.

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Mrs Fairhurst sneezed in my face earlier.

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Lovely.

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Um... Are you free for lunch?

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Not really. I've made plans.

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I was...

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I was going to visit your dad's memorial later.

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Take some flowers. I thought maybe we could go together.

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You can see I'm busy.

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And it's chocka out there, OK? And honestly?

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I think the living deserve our attention right now.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Come in.

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Please take a seat.

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So, Miss Roy.

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You want to talk to me about anxiety.

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BOTH: Yes.

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There are two of you.

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It's OK, we're together.

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I was thinking more about confidentiality.

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She tells me everything anyway. I'm sort of her mum.

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I do. She is.

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So, you're Lena?

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You want to talk to me about anxiety.

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Fear, really.

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The things she's afraid of, they can be overcome, right?

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Well, it depends. Is it a rational fear, or is it more like a phobia?

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Is there much of a difference?

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Well, phobias can tend to be a little bit more peculiar.

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Take, for example, geniophobia.

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Which is a fear of... Anyone?

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It's a fear of chins. Fear of chins.

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Zoe has one about chewed pens.

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No way.

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No. This is rational.

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Totally rational anxiety and fear and meltdown.

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Over heights, mainly.

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Well, in my honest opinion, our fears are there for a reason.

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Our fears keep us from doing things which aren't safe for us.

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So, we're afraid of fire because it burns us.

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And we're afraid of heights, because if we fall from them,

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we break and burst and leave a very unsightly mess.

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So, I would say, listen to your fears.

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They will keep you alive.

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HE COUGHS

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Good old Mr Larkin and his slippers.

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When they made him, they threw away the mould.

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Yeah. And then it grew back.

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Oh, poor fella. Don't be rotten.

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A word.

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Is today completely lost on you?

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Because I'm not moping around?

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No, but you could show some respect.

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A year ago today, my dad was a broken man in a bed.

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All this solemn stuff,

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the flowers and the moping,

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it's not for Dad.

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So who's this for, really?

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Is it for you?

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Everyone else?

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Tell me, today is the anniversary of what, Mum?

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A man in bed, desperate to die!

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If you ask me, remembering that is pretty messed up.

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And I don't want to remember that.

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You didn't have to tell him about the chewed pens.

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It was your idea to go there, and it didn't work at all.

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How about if you sign up for something else,

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like the air guitar thing, or the sponsored, you know, whatever.

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And it clashes with the abseil - "Oh, dear, too bad.

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"But why don't we go for a drink and you can tell me

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-"all about blah blah."

-Yeah, yeah!

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Oh, hey. Oh, cool!

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Are you guys about to sign up?

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Yeah! One abseil, please!

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Let me get the shot. It's for the SU.

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Just act natural.

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Perfect.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Come in!

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Hey, you wanted to see me.

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Yes.

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I understand that today is a very sensitive day

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for you and your mother,

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but as manager of this practice,

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I still have to hold you to certain standards.

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And the way you spoke to your...

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The way you spoke to Dr Reid earlier,

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well, it just wasn't on.

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I understand that we all have

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different ways of dealing with things and...

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Well, this is still a place of work.

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Dr Reid still deserves your respect,

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but above all,

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the decent thing is to give the support your mother needs.

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I know there might be some water under the bridge

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between you and me, Howard,

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but you don't get to lecture me on what's decent.

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-Now, look...

-Do you want me to bottle it up and to lie?

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That might be what you're good at, but not me.

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So today, you do your job, I'll do mine

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and we stay out of each other's way.

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FOOTSTEPS RUNNING

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Doctor! I know you must be dead busy. But this anxiety thing...

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-We're kinda desperate.

-All right. Chill out.

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If it's really that much of an issue, we'll book you a referral.

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That'll take too long! Is there something I can take?

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Like, if I was flying on holiday and was scared?

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It's for this charity abseil, and, well, she's going to have

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a meltdown up there if we don't, you know, dope her up.

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I'm hardly going to sedate her

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if she's going to be climbing off the edge of a building, am I?

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Look, I know it's for charity and we all feel great...

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-It really is!

-Do you not think it might be an idea to

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do something a little less nerve-racking?

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Something where you're less

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frightened about becoming Humpty Dumpty?

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Cos I tell you now, all the kings horses and all...

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I've got pins and needles.

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Lena. Lena, you need to take some deep breaths.

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Do it with me. Breathe in...

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Hold it

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and breath out. That's it.

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You are on the edge of a panic attack.

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If that doesn't tell you that you shouldn't be doing this,

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-then I don't know what will.

-Yeah, well, you're not helping!

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Keeping on about me ending up in hospital.

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I need you guys to think I can do this because I don't, OK?

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-This is getting stupid, you know?

-What did you expect?

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That you'd listen to my advice!

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I'm sure I told you to butt out.

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Maybe it's you that should listen for a change, hey?

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Is everything all right with you two?

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Right, listen to me.

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I, right now, could be at the pub, playing snooker with my mates,

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eating today's special, which is shepherd's pie,

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being served by the new barmaid who looks like Holly Thingyboobs.

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But I'm not, cos I'm here, grovelling to you because I miss you

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and I want to spend time with you.

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Now, that may be the least manly thing in the world to admit,

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-but it's true.

-Shut up.

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I've been meaning to text, cos I wanted to say...

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(I wanted to say that I'm sorry.)

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Sorry?

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Yeah. I'm sor... I was just being

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a stroppy kid, I think.

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I wasn't being fair.

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But I thought we could

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get another date under our belts before we...

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..get ahead of ourselves.

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Deal.

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-Doctor Whiskey.

-Bro-han.

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Will you be joining us on Saturday?

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Apparently, they've got the Bearded Pony

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and some Savage Badger over at The Pilgrim.

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By my troth, I hereby pledge to drink every pony, donkey

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and dinosaur you lay in front of me.

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Cool. I'll update the page after tonight.

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Send you out an invite.

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I will literally drink to that.

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You know him?

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-Hey?

-You know him.

-Hi.

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-That guy. Lena's dream guy.

-Johan?

-Yeah.

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Yeah, we're mates. I'm an honorary member of his Real Ale Society.

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Honorary member/ technical advisor.

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-You? Mates with him.

-Yeah, why is that weird?

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It's just he's, you know, cool?

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Johan?

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Yes? Isn't he?

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If your idea of cool is table-top gaming

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and coding in Unix, then yeah, he's cool in the gang.

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-I don't know what those things are.

-Exactly.

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So he's a nerd?

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A 24 carat one.

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A fit nerd?

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Yeah, there are lots of us around.

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A fit nerd.

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But he's adventurous, right?

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-Abseiling and volunteering and stuff?

-No.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.

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Is Lena doing all this because of him?

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That is a ridiculous idea.

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Johan is a pint and slippers kind of guy,

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not skiing and parachutes.

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He's as dull and boring as they come,

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and that's coming from me.

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Seriously, talk her down.

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-KAREN:

-Even thinking like an 18-year-old,

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I feel a bit daft on here.

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Yeah. We have been here before.

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It was your idea.

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-Felt a bit daft then.

-Sounds it.

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But you can't remember.

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I'll remember this time.

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So, why did I bring you here, do you remember?

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We were...just going through a bit of a bad patch

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and we were trying to fix our lives.

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How did you make it up to me that time?

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Did you buy me a teddy bear and take me on a caravan holiday?

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No, I saved you from a burning building.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Really?! Wow!

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Oh, well, let's not worry about the past. Not right now.

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Let's think about the future. And...

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Why don't you take me somewhere I have never, ever been?

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APPLAUSE

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-Hey.

-Hey.

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I'm just psyching myself up to opt out.

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I've gave it some thought and maybe you and that doctor guy were right.

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Yeah, about that. I just bumped into him a minute ago and...

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Whoa, whoa, careful.

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What?

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I think you should go for it!

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-We both do, me and the doctor. 100%.

-Yeah?

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Yeah, just go for it. Get up there. Face it.

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Be wild. Just scream from the rooftops that you love the outdoors

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and adventure and all that.

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-Really?

-Yeah. For Johan.

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-Johan?

-That's his name.

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Johan!

0:15:290:15:31

And you really think I can do this?

0:15:310:15:32

Would I be saying any of this if I didn't?

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So... Let's do this!

0:15:350:15:38

They call it a bucket list, don't they? So, go on.

0:15:460:15:48

What things have you still got that you want to do?

0:15:480:15:53

Well, I've always wanted to catch a marlin.

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A big, 1,000lb Pacific blue.

0:15:550:15:58

-You're on your own with that one.

-Off the coast of Fiji.

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Hello, that's...

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-I've been here.

-Have you?

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Yeah. In the restaurant..

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Clear as day. We've been here.

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Yeah, yeah, no...

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There's...

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They've got a waiter, with a big Magnum 'tache.

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And you had...

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You had pumpkin ravioli!

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There's a big picture of Sophia Loren in the gents.

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We did it!

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We found a memory!

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Oh, oh!

0:16:350:16:37

# Amazing grace

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# How sweet the ground

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# I really need a wee

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# I know I'm daft

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# But all I ask

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# Is Johan to snog me. #

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Lena Roy!

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Thank you.

0:17:280:17:30

-Oh, ta.

-Thanks.

0:17:320:17:35

Well, the waitress hasn't got a moustache...

0:17:360:17:39

So maybe he's got the day off.

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But I can remember it -

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look, the plastic flowers, the salt shakers!

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That's all pretty standard stuff for a restaurant.

0:17:460:17:50

I'm not getting carried away.

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Honestly, I promise you.

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I can remember it all.

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Or it's deja vu.

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You're just seeing what's in front of you.

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I mean, I can't find any pumpkin whatsit on the menu.

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And there ain't no moustachioed waiter.

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I just don't want you to get excited.

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And if you're trying to cheer me up...

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Rob.

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Have you seen Chris?

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He had plans.

0:18:320:18:34

Look, I heard about your chat.

0:18:360:18:38

You don't need to fight my battles, Howard.

0:18:380:18:40

My concerns were primarily for the surgery.

0:18:400:18:43

I'd have called Jimmi and Heston on the same behaviour.

0:18:430:18:46

Even so. How are you feeling?

0:18:510:18:54

You know, you're the first person to actually ask me that today.

0:18:540:18:59

You shouldn't be worried about what Chris said.

0:18:590:19:01

He's right.

0:19:010:19:03

What am I doing?

0:19:030:19:05

At least Chris is being honest.

0:19:050:19:07

At least he feels something.

0:19:080:19:10

Come on. Out with it.

0:19:160:19:18

-What?

-The long face.

0:19:200:19:23

We've got ice cream and fizz next

0:19:230:19:25

and you look like you're eating the neighbour's dog.

0:19:250:19:28

It's nothing.

0:19:280:19:30

Don't try that.

0:19:300:19:31

I know you well enough now.

0:19:310:19:33

OK.

0:19:350:19:38

I have never been to this restaurant. Ever.

0:19:380:19:42

I remember it as clear as a bell.

0:19:430:19:45

Maybe you do. But you didn't come with me.

0:19:450:19:47

I swear!

0:19:470:19:49

I had the chicken Parmesan, you had the pumpkin ravioli

0:19:490:19:51

and I was jealous all the time.

0:19:510:19:53

No, there's no way I would come to a restaurant

0:19:530:19:56

and order a main course that wasn't meat.

0:19:560:19:58

This memory you have...

0:19:590:20:02

I'm not in it.

0:20:020:20:04

So, what do you like to do at the weekends?

0:20:130:20:17

Oh, you know.

0:20:170:20:19

Gigs.

0:20:190:20:20

Get the first train to nowhere.

0:20:200:20:22

I don't really like to plan.

0:20:220:20:25

Shame. I'm getting a bit tired of all these student parties now.

0:20:250:20:29

Traffic lights and foam and shots, you know?

0:20:290:20:34

Probably sounds dead weird,

0:20:340:20:35

but I'd much rather stay in

0:20:350:20:38

and watch Fringe on DVD,

0:20:380:20:40

drink some old, warm beer.

0:20:400:20:42

Deadlier than the male.

0:20:460:20:48

First you think I'm a cheap date

0:20:570:20:59

and now you're saying I'm a cheat!

0:20:590:21:01

I'm just curious to know how you know

0:21:010:21:03

what pictures are up in the gents toilets!

0:21:030:21:05

Who knows?! You're the one banging on

0:21:050:21:07

about us having a perfect marriage.

0:21:070:21:08

Why would I come here with another man?! You tell me!

0:21:080:21:11

That's what I'd like to find out! Maybe we should ask Tom Selleck!

0:21:110:21:14

Oi, Magnum, come here!

0:21:140:21:15

Says the man going on about booby barmaids down the pub!

0:21:150:21:18

SHE PANTS

0:21:200:21:22

Halt! Halt the leap!

0:21:230:21:26

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

0:21:260:21:28

So many stairs.

0:21:280:21:31

You can't do this.

0:21:310:21:32

Zoe said you were both up for it.

0:21:320:21:34

What? No, we were just talking about Johan.

0:21:350:21:38

I was saying that this was a ridiculous way to impress him.

0:21:380:21:42

Johan?

0:21:420:21:43

Yeah. She was asking questions about what a massive nerd he is.

0:21:430:21:48

Nerdy? Nerdy? A fit nerd?

0:21:480:21:51

Yes, I don't know why that's so difficult to believe.

0:21:510:21:53

He's a pleasant-looking nerd.

0:21:530:21:55

Right. Let's do this!

0:21:590:22:01

Whoa, where are you going?

0:22:010:22:03

But by using an infra-red film,

0:22:030:22:05

the colours get this incredible bleached-out effect.

0:22:050:22:08

Amazing.

0:22:080:22:09

You must take some great photos of your girlfriend.

0:22:090:22:12

Oh, no way, are you single?

0:22:140:22:16

Never.

0:22:160:22:18

"I can't help it that he fell for me."

0:22:210:22:24

Well, not this time, Zoe!

0:22:240:22:26

Over my dead body!

0:22:260:22:28

Hopefully not.

0:22:290:22:30

Seven minutes and three.

0:23:210:23:23

I'm never going to beat your personal best, am I?

0:23:280:23:31

I can see why you were always in such a rush to get up here.

0:23:360:23:39

I used to think it was just for that incline,

0:23:410:23:45

but it's not, is it?

0:23:450:23:47

It's for that view.

0:23:490:23:52

Being above it all.

0:23:520:23:53

I know you'd hate to hear me say it, Dad,

0:23:560:23:58

but I hope that's where you are.

0:23:580:24:00

Above it all.

0:24:010:24:02

-(VOICE BREAKS)

-And I hope...

0:24:060:24:08

I hope you know I'm sorry.

0:24:090:24:10

I'm so sorry.

0:24:130:24:14

THEY CHEER

0:24:280:24:29

-Wow!

-Wow. That was brilliant.

0:24:290:24:32

I know!

0:24:320:24:33

You actually did it.

0:24:330:24:34

You seem surprised, Zoe. Not what you were expecting?

0:24:340:24:37

-Oh, er...

-And you!

0:24:370:24:40

You said you'd be up there, and here you are, flirting with her.

0:24:400:24:44

OK. Confession time.

0:24:440:24:46

Yeah?

0:24:460:24:47

I, uh...

0:24:470:24:49

I sort of pretended to be interested in this whole abseil thing

0:24:500:24:54

just to get your attention.

0:24:540:24:56

I wasn't even looking at the poster.

0:24:560:24:58

I was just moving it to stick up the Real Ale Society one.

0:24:580:25:01

I'm... I'm the president.

0:25:010:25:03

-For real?

-Yeah.

0:25:050:25:06

I was only talking to your friend so I could try and find out your name.

0:25:060:25:10

I just wanted an opening

0:25:100:25:13

and you were excited about this and I just went along with it.

0:25:130:25:16

I had to beg the SU to let me cover it.

0:25:160:25:18

My name's Lena.

0:25:180:25:20

I'll tell you a secret, then, Lena.

0:25:200:25:23

I'm actually pretty nervous about heights.

0:25:240:25:27

Really? I know a great cure.

0:25:270:25:29

Well, that wasn't the nicest thing to do, was it?

0:25:370:25:39

Trying to make a fool out of your friend.

0:25:390:25:42

Yeah, well, she won in the end.

0:25:420:25:44

-There is a runners-up prize, you know.

-Really?

0:25:440:25:46

Yeah. It's a chewed pen.

0:25:460:25:48

Oh!

0:25:480:25:50

Oh, don't be like that.

0:25:530:25:55

It's not the first time we've been thrown out of a restaurant.

0:25:550:25:58

Yes, it... Yes, it is.

0:25:580:26:00

You talk to me like I'm some film you've already seen!

0:26:000:26:03

What?

0:26:030:26:05

It matters so much when I remember something.

0:26:050:26:08

I don't think you have any idea how it feels.

0:26:080:26:10

I feels... It feels like... like I'm coming up for air.

0:26:100:26:15

And then you just open your big cakehole and spoil it all!

0:26:170:26:20

I'd still like to find out

0:26:200:26:22

how you know what's in the gentlemen's toilets.

0:26:220:26:25

You know, I felt sorry for you.

0:26:260:26:29

All that stuff about missing me.

0:26:290:26:31

You haven't got a clue who I am,

0:26:310:26:34

because I'll tell you now, I would never cheat.

0:26:340:26:37

No... Fine.

0:26:380:26:40

Neither of us know all the answers, do we?

0:26:420:26:45

At least let me take you home.

0:26:470:26:49

No, thanks. One thing my mum taught me,

0:26:490:26:51

I remember that, I remember it really well -

0:26:510:26:55

don't accept invitations from strangers.

0:26:550:26:58

-What happened?

-I got mugged last night.

0:27:060:27:08

No?! Are you all right?

0:27:080:27:10

Yeah, I'm fine.

0:27:100:27:11

-What did they take?

-Just 20 quid.

0:27:110:27:14

Hello.

0:27:140:27:15

Do you know that I had forgotten

0:27:170:27:19

what a lovely tone of voice you have, Howard.

0:27:190:27:22

You're the one who brought me up to be a softie.

0:27:220:27:25

So no wonder I'm a target to all those people out there.

0:27:250:27:28

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