Wires Crossed Doctors

Morning.

Yeah, good.

Thank you. What's the catch?

-There is no catch.

-You're not going to try and convince me

that I like going down the dogs, or mud-wrestling or something?

Funnily enough - and this is really weird -

mud is involved.

"Relax in the natural surroundings of the Aquarian Spa and Lodge."

Ooh, The Aquarian.

Great beds.

I thought I better put you first, this time.

There's not a sports channel,

a pool table or a dartboard within nine miles of this place.

What was it like? Was it good?

-No idea.

-Why?

Scented candles, perfumed oils,

generous Roman-style bath.

Didn't leave the room for three days.

Needed another holiday just to recover.

You think this is a dirty weekend?

Oh. Er, no!

Gotta go.

-WOMAN:

-Coffee. Just coffee.

Could you pass the milk, please?

I'll be over here.

Your dream guy's here.

Tried some weird line on me about milk.

-You spoke to him?! Oh, Zoe! You promised!

-What?

I can tell you, I am done with hot, arty grunge puppies.

You dodged a bullet with him, trust me.

The bullet dodged me. It always does.

I can't help that he fell for me, Lena.

But trust me, this new guy?

Not for me. I mean, look at him.

He's gorge', yeah,

but these brooding, loner types...

I mean, sure, there's great,

intense, ripped T-shirt stuff at the start,

but then it just gets messy.

What I wouldn't do for a guy to just see me and not you.

I swear. I'm not interested.

Look how good we'd be together.

You...left these.

Oh, my God. He was right there!

You scared him away!

Better me frightening him away than your unicorn wedding fantasy.

I'll make it up to you. I promise.

I mean, I do fancy you,

and obviously I would like to do it, but it's not about that.

Aah!

I don't understand why you're getting so angry.

It's not like we haven't done it before.

-I haven't!

-We've got two kids!

What about that bloke at Christmas?

I'm surprised you took me to the pictures.

Why didn't we just nip out by the bike sheds?!

It's supposed to be a nice, romantic weekend.

I can't just switch it off.

-Eeurgh!

-No, not that!

I'm talking about how I feel about you!

Oh, this is ridiculous!

-Oh, mate. You shouldn't have.

-No, I shouldn't.

What did I miss?

He was right there.

Like...destiny or something. And I blew it.

Look, it could have been much worse.

He could have seen the fact you'd drawn him

-as a shirtless dude with a sword.

-Not helping.

Look, you keep putting these guys on pedestals

and then panicking about it until you have a massive meltdown.

Look, he's over there.

Just go up to him. Find something in common, talk about it.

Do that. I'll be your wingman.

I still don't know his name.

Just start talking. Something in common.

Charity abseil!

Oh, those poor, poor souls.

Yeah. It's a real shame.

Are you doing it? The abseil?

Yeah! You?

Yeah.

-Those poor animals, right?

-Right!

Hi. Sorry to butt in.

Er... Can we have a word?

I guess I'll see you around.

What are you doing?!

You just told him you're doing the abseil!

You said, "Find something in common." Now we have the abseil.

You're afraid of heights.

What's he going to think when you start crying

halfway up a wall, tied to a shoelace?

If they would just stop sneezing for five minutes,

I might be able to hear myself think.

It's that time of year.

Half hay fever, half colds.

Mrs Fairhurst sneezed in my face earlier.

Lovely.

Um... Are you free for lunch?

Not really. I've made plans.

I was...

I was going to visit your dad's memorial later.

Take some flowers. I thought maybe we could go together.

You can see I'm busy.

And it's chocka out there, OK? And honestly?

I think the living deserve our attention right now.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Please take a seat.

So, Miss Roy.

You want to talk to me about anxiety.

BOTH: Yes.

There are two of you.

It's OK, we're together.

I was thinking more about confidentiality.

She tells me everything anyway. I'm sort of her mum.

I do. She is.

So, you're Lena?

You want to talk to me about anxiety.

Fear, really.

The things she's afraid of, they can be overcome, right?

Well, it depends. Is it a rational fear, or is it more like a phobia?

Is there much of a difference?

Well, phobias can tend to be a little bit more peculiar.

Take, for example, geniophobia.

Which is a fear of... Anyone?

It's a fear of chins. Fear of chins.

Zoe has one about chewed pens.

No way.

No. This is rational.

Totally rational anxiety and fear and meltdown.

Over heights, mainly.

Well, in my honest opinion, our fears are there for a reason.

Our fears keep us from doing things which aren't safe for us.

So, we're afraid of fire because it burns us.

And we're afraid of heights, because if we fall from them,

we break and burst and leave a very unsightly mess.

So, I would say, listen to your fears.

They will keep you alive.

HE COUGHS

Good old Mr Larkin and his slippers.

When they made him, they threw away the mould.

Yeah. And then it grew back.

Oh, poor fella. Don't be rotten.

A word.

Is today completely lost on you?

Because I'm not moping around?

No, but you could show some respect.

A year ago today, my dad was a broken man in a bed.

All this solemn stuff,

the flowers and the moping,

it's not for Dad.

So who's this for, really?

Is it for you?

Everyone else?

Tell me, today is the anniversary of what, Mum?

A man in bed, desperate to die!

If you ask me, remembering that is pretty messed up.

And I don't want to remember that.

You didn't have to tell him about the chewed pens.

It was your idea to go there, and it didn't work at all.

How about if you sign up for something else,

like the air guitar thing, or the sponsored, you know, whatever.

And it clashes with the abseil - "Oh, dear, too bad.

"But why don't we go for a drink and you can tell me

-"all about blah blah."

-Yeah, yeah!

Oh, hey. Oh, cool!

Are you guys about to sign up?

Yeah! One abseil, please!

Let me get the shot. It's for the SU.

Just act natural.

Perfect.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in!

Hey, you wanted to see me.

Yes.

I understand that today is a very sensitive day

for you and your mother,

but as manager of this practice,

I still have to hold you to certain standards.

And the way you spoke to your...

The way you spoke to Dr Reid earlier,

well, it just wasn't on.

I understand that we all have

different ways of dealing with things and...

Well, this is still a place of work.

Dr Reid still deserves your respect,

but above all,

the decent thing is to give the support your mother needs.

I know there might be some water under the bridge

between you and me, Howard,

but you don't get to lecture me on what's decent.

-Now, look...

-Do you want me to bottle it up and to lie?

That might be what you're good at, but not me.

So today, you do your job, I'll do mine

and we stay out of each other's way.

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING

Doctor! I know you must be dead busy. But this anxiety thing...

-We're kinda desperate.

-All right. Chill out.

If it's really that much of an issue, we'll book you a referral.

That'll take too long! Is there something I can take?

Like, if I was flying on holiday and was scared?

It's for this charity abseil, and, well, she's going to have

a meltdown up there if we don't, you know, dope her up.

I'm hardly going to sedate her

if she's going to be climbing off the edge of a building, am I?

Look, I know it's for charity and we all feel great...

-It really is!

-Do you not think it might be an idea to

do something a little less nerve-racking?

Something where you're less

frightened about becoming Humpty Dumpty?

Cos I tell you now, all the kings horses and all...

I've got pins and needles.

Lena. Lena, you need to take some deep breaths.

Do it with me. Breathe in...

Hold it

and breath out. That's it.

You are on the edge of a panic attack.

If that doesn't tell you that you shouldn't be doing this,

-then I don't know what will.

-Yeah, well, you're not helping!

Keeping on about me ending up in hospital.

I need you guys to think I can do this because I don't, OK?

-This is getting stupid, you know?

-What did you expect?

That you'd listen to my advice!

I'm sure I told you to butt out.

Maybe it's you that should listen for a change, hey?

Is everything all right with you two?

Right, listen to me.

I, right now, could be at the pub, playing snooker with my mates,

eating today's special, which is shepherd's pie,

being served by the new barmaid who looks like Holly Thingyboobs.

But I'm not, cos I'm here, grovelling to you because I miss you

and I want to spend time with you.

Now, that may be the least manly thing in the world to admit,

-but it's true.

-Shut up.

I've been meaning to text, cos I wanted to say...

(I wanted to say that I'm sorry.)

Sorry?

Yeah. I'm sor... I was just being

a stroppy kid, I think.

I wasn't being fair.

But I thought we could

get another date under our belts before we...

..get ahead of ourselves.

Deal.

-Doctor Whiskey.

-Bro-han.

Will you be joining us on Saturday?

Apparently, they've got the Bearded Pony

and some Savage Badger over at The Pilgrim.

By my troth, I hereby pledge to drink every pony, donkey

and dinosaur you lay in front of me.

Cool. I'll update the page after tonight.

Send you out an invite.

I will literally drink to that.

You know him?

-Hey?

-You know him.

-Hi.

-That guy. Lena's dream guy.

-Johan?

-Yeah.

Yeah, we're mates. I'm an honorary member of his Real Ale Society.

Honorary member/ technical advisor.

-You? Mates with him.

-Yeah, why is that weird?

It's just he's, you know, cool?

Johan?

Yes? Isn't he?

If your idea of cool is table-top gaming

and coding in Unix, then yeah, he's cool in the gang.

-I don't know what those things are.

-Exactly.

So he's a nerd?

A 24 carat one.

A fit nerd?

Yeah, there are lots of us around.

A fit nerd.

But he's adventurous, right?

-Abseiling and volunteering and stuff?

-No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is Lena doing all this because of him?

That is a ridiculous idea.

Johan is a pint and slippers kind of guy,

not skiing and parachutes.

He's as dull and boring as they come,

and that's coming from me.

Seriously, talk her down.

-KAREN:

-Even thinking like an 18-year-old,

I feel a bit daft on here.

Yeah. We have been here before.

It was your idea.

-Felt a bit daft then.

-Sounds it.

But you can't remember.

I'll remember this time.

So, why did I bring you here, do you remember?

We were...just going through a bit of a bad patch

and we were trying to fix our lives.

How did you make it up to me that time?

Did you buy me a teddy bear and take me on a caravan holiday?

No, I saved you from a burning building.

SHE LAUGHS

Really?! Wow!

Oh, well, let's not worry about the past. Not right now.

Let's think about the future. And...

Why don't you take me somewhere I have never, ever been?

APPLAUSE

-Hey.

-Hey.

I'm just psyching myself up to opt out.

I've gave it some thought and maybe you and that doctor guy were right.

Yeah, about that. I just bumped into him a minute ago and...

Whoa, whoa, careful.

What?

I think you should go for it!

-We both do, me and the doctor. 100%.

-Yeah?

Yeah, just go for it. Get up there. Face it.

Be wild. Just scream from the rooftops that you love the outdoors

and adventure and all that.

-Really?

-Yeah. For Johan.

-Johan?

-That's his name.

Johan!

And you really think I can do this?

Would I be saying any of this if I didn't?

So... Let's do this!

They call it a bucket list, don't they? So, go on.

What things have you still got that you want to do?

Well, I've always wanted to catch a marlin.

A big, 1,000lb Pacific blue.

-You're on your own with that one.

-Off the coast of Fiji.

Hello, that's...

-I've been here.

-Have you?

Yeah. In the restaurant..

Clear as day. We've been here.

Yeah, yeah, no...

There's...

They've got a waiter, with a big Magnum 'tache.

And you had...

You had pumpkin ravioli!

There's a big picture of Sophia Loren in the gents.

We did it!

We found a memory!

Oh, oh!

# Amazing grace

# How sweet the ground

# I really need a wee

# I know I'm daft

# But all I ask

# Is Johan to snog me. #

Lena Roy!

Thank you.

-Oh, ta.

-Thanks.

Well, the waitress hasn't got a moustache...

So maybe he's got the day off.

But I can remember it -

look, the plastic flowers, the salt shakers!

That's all pretty standard stuff for a restaurant.

I'm not getting carried away.

Honestly, I promise you.

I can remember it all.

Or it's deja vu.

You're just seeing what's in front of you.

I mean, I can't find any pumpkin whatsit on the menu.

And there ain't no moustachioed waiter.

I just don't want you to get excited.

And if you're trying to cheer me up...

Rob.

Have you seen Chris?

He had plans.

Look, I heard about your chat.

You don't need to fight my battles, Howard.

My concerns were primarily for the surgery.

I'd have called Jimmi and Heston on the same behaviour.

Even so. How are you feeling?

You know, you're the first person to actually ask me that today.

You shouldn't be worried about what Chris said.

He's right.

What am I doing?

At least Chris is being honest.

At least he feels something.

Come on. Out with it.

-What?

-The long face.

We've got ice cream and fizz next

and you look like you're eating the neighbour's dog.

It's nothing.

Don't try that.

I know you well enough now.

OK.

I have never been to this restaurant. Ever.

I remember it as clear as a bell.

Maybe you do. But you didn't come with me.

I swear!

I had the chicken Parmesan, you had the pumpkin ravioli

and I was jealous all the time.

No, there's no way I would come to a restaurant

and order a main course that wasn't meat.

This memory you have...

I'm not in it.

So, what do you like to do at the weekends?

Oh, you know.

Gigs.

Get the first train to nowhere.

I don't really like to plan.

Shame. I'm getting a bit tired of all these student parties now.

Traffic lights and foam and shots, you know?

Probably sounds dead weird,

but I'd much rather stay in

and watch Fringe on DVD,

drink some old, warm beer.

Deadlier than the male.

First you think I'm a cheap date

and now you're saying I'm a cheat!

I'm just curious to know how you know

what pictures are up in the gents toilets!

Who knows?! You're the one banging on

about us having a perfect marriage.

Why would I come here with another man?! You tell me!

That's what I'd like to find out! Maybe we should ask Tom Selleck!

Oi, Magnum, come here!

Says the man going on about booby barmaids down the pub!

SHE PANTS

Halt! Halt the leap!

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

So many stairs.

You can't do this.

Zoe said you were both up for it.

What? No, we were just talking about Johan.

I was saying that this was a ridiculous way to impress him.

Johan?

Yeah. She was asking questions about what a massive nerd he is.

Nerdy? Nerdy? A fit nerd?

Yes, I don't know why that's so difficult to believe.

He's a pleasant-looking nerd.

Right. Let's do this!

Whoa, where are you going?

But by using an infra-red film,

the colours get this incredible bleached-out effect.

Amazing.

You must take some great photos of your girlfriend.

Oh, no way, are you single?

Never.

"I can't help it that he fell for me."

Well, not this time, Zoe!

Over my dead body!

Hopefully not.

Seven minutes and three.

I'm never going to beat your personal best, am I?

I can see why you were always in such a rush to get up here.

I used to think it was just for that incline,

but it's not, is it?

It's for that view.

Being above it all.

I know you'd hate to hear me say it, Dad,

but I hope that's where you are.

Above it all.

-(VOICE BREAKS)

-And I hope...

I hope you know I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

THEY CHEER

-Wow!

-Wow. That was brilliant.

I know!

You actually did it.

You seem surprised, Zoe. Not what you were expecting?

-Oh, er...

-And you!

You said you'd be up there, and here you are, flirting with her.

OK. Confession time.

Yeah?

I, uh...

I sort of pretended to be interested in this whole abseil thing

just to get your attention.

I wasn't even looking at the poster.

I was just moving it to stick up the Real Ale Society one.

I'm... I'm the president.

-For real?

-Yeah.

I was only talking to your friend so I could try and find out your name.

I just wanted an opening

and you were excited about this and I just went along with it.

I had to beg the SU to let me cover it.

My name's Lena.

I'll tell you a secret, then, Lena.

I'm actually pretty nervous about heights.

Really? I know a great cure.

Well, that wasn't the nicest thing to do, was it?

Trying to make a fool out of your friend.

Yeah, well, she won in the end.

-There is a runners-up prize, you know.

-Really?

Yeah. It's a chewed pen.

Oh!

Oh, don't be like that.

It's not the first time we've been thrown out of a restaurant.

Yes, it... Yes, it is.

You talk to me like I'm some film you've already seen!

What?

It matters so much when I remember something.

I don't think you have any idea how it feels.

I feels... It feels like... like I'm coming up for air.

And then you just open your big cakehole and spoil it all!

I'd still like to find out

how you know what's in the gentlemen's toilets.

You know, I felt sorry for you.

All that stuff about missing me.

You haven't got a clue who I am,

because I'll tell you now, I would never cheat.

No... Fine.

Neither of us know all the answers, do we?

At least let me take you home.

No, thanks. One thing my mum taught me,

I remember that, I remember it really well -

don't accept invitations from strangers.

-What happened?

-I got mugged last night.

No?! Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

-What did they take?

-Just 20 quid.

Hello.

Do you know that I had forgotten

what a lovely tone of voice you have, Howard.

You're the one who brought me up to be a softie.

So no wonder I'm a target to all those people out there.