Pie Piper Doctors

BAGPIPES PLAYED BADLY

SHE COUGHS

Ooh!

You liked it, then? Didn't hit any bum notes?

It was wonderful. Truly wonderful.

Mum?

What did you think?

It was...the same as ever.

You don't think I've improved?

You can't improve on perfection.

Oh, right. Well, in that case. I'm ready.

Ready for what?

That's for me to know and you to find out.

He practically accused me of being a...

Did you bring another man into the restaurant?

That's the thing. I don't know.

Good morning, Nurse Reid.

What's with the glasses? It's not exactly sunny.

Yeah, I think I've got a migraine coming on.

PHONE RINGS

Yes, Mrs Tembe?

OK, put her through.

Hello.

Do you know that I had forgotten

what a lovely tone of voice you have, Howard?

Very deep. Very manly.

I'm sorry. What did you say your name was?

Helen. Helen Hartley. I like to think we're intimately acquainted.

Are we?

Through the Patient Participation Group.

Oh, Mrs Hartley, yes.

What can I do for you?

-It's Ms now. I'm divorced. Free as a bird.

-Right.

Actually, this a rather delicate matter.

My son, Ryan, has an appointment at the surgery.

And I was wondering if you could have a wee word with him

-because he listens to you.

-A word? What about?

You've got to persuade him to give up playing the bagpipes.

Make him see that...

Hello?

Mrs Hartley?

Hello?

HE SIGHS

Chris, is everything all right?

-Don't worry. It looks a lot worse than it is.

-What happened?

-I got mugged last night.

-No! Are you all right?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

What did they take?

Just 20 quid.

What did the police say?

I didn't call them. I didn't get a good enough look at the guy.

-So there's no point.

-It's very strange.

What is?

I know that statistically young men are more likely to be attacked,

but this is the second time this week.

Well, there you go. So much for lightning never striking twice.

Oh, come on, you're putting on

-a brave face, but I really think...

-Heston!

There is this great new restaurant that everybody is raving about.

I really think that we should...

What?

For goodness' sake.

-That's great. Thanks.

-See you, Ryan.

Hi, Mr Bellamy. How are you doing?

I'm fine. Thank you.

Ryan. I drive my mum to the PPG meetings.

-Ah, Ryan, yes.

-Don't blame you for not recognising me.

I've lost quite a bit of weight over the past few months.

Yes. You do seem somewhat trimmer than I remember.

Go on. Guess.

Guess what?

What's my secret? How have I managed to lose so much weight?

I really don't know.

Bagpipes.

I thought doctors made bad patients,

but I have to say that you nurses

certainly give us a run for our money.

It's not my fault if your hands are cold.

How could somebody do this to you?

I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, that's all.

Why didn't you wake me when you came in?

Cos it was late. I didn't want to upset you.

Stop fussing, OK?

I'm afraid that's what mothers do when their sons get beaten up.

-It's in my job description.

-If you say so.

That's going to need a steri strip.

Right, stay there.

That's all right. I ain't going anywhere.

As long as I can remember, I've been addicted to pies and pastries.

Most of the time, I looked like a blimp.

Always had trouble with my weight.

But then everything changed when I met Ally.

Ally?

My fiancee. The light of my life.

A wonderful woman.

-So, what's all this got to do with bagpipes?

-My dad used to play.

Have you ever played?

HE SCOFFS

No, I haven't had the pleasure.

You're missing out on a wonderful experience.

I took to it like a duck to water.

And do you know what the best thing is?

Go on.

It stopped me overeating.

The pipes replaced the pies.

Well, congratulations.

Of course, it's all down to Ally really. And to celebrate

our engagement, I'm going to be giving a public performance.

It's at Letherbridge town centre. Two o'clock.

-Well, good luck with that.

-Why don't you come along?

It'd be a great honour.

And I know Mum would love to see you again.

Two clock, you say? Well, I'll...I'll make it if I can.

But you really must excuse me now.

See you there.

PRESSES BUTTON ON PHONE

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Karen. It's me.

Is this a good time?

-What do you want?

-I...

I just wanted to apologise about last night.

I...I think that we probably got our wires crossed.

Really?

I'll see you later, Mrs Tembe.

-An early lunch?

-I'm off to court.

'Not crossed exactly.'

Maybe you were right, you know, about me...

having a dodgy memory.

Maybe we did go to that restaurant after all.

But the main thing is we shouldn't have had that stupid row.

That's my fault. And...

It's Jimmi.

What was that?

It was...it was Jimmi in the restaurant!

It was an exposure course!

-Spiders!

-What?

I keep having these flashes.

What are you remembering?

Oh, it was Jimmi.

Did Jimmi mean a lot to me?

Er...

Yeah. Yeah.

'Listen, should I pick you up for lunch?'

What? Yeah. I've got to go.

-Have you read this?

-Read what?

It says here it contains peanut products.

Does it? Oh, I didn't see, I didn't realise.

You should have checked. It could make Ryan really ill

if he'd eaten that...thing.

Look, all this allergy business is new to me,

I'm finding it hard to keep track.

I don't scrutinise everything I buy.

Well, why don't you just stop?

Stop buying all this unhealthy rubbish.

For your information, Ryan has always liked my cooking.

Well, he's not a little boy any more.

Why do you insist on putting temptation in his way

when you know he has trouble controlling his weight?

He never used to worry about his weight.

That's something that you have an issue with, I think.

Oh, is it my fault he looks fit now?

If you ask me, he needs building up.

Hi, darling, how did it go?

-Did you see Mr Bellamy?

-Yeah.

So, tell me. Did he talk you out of it then?

Out of what?

You know.

(Ally's surprise.)

-Mum?

-Surprise? What surprise?

According to Heston, Chris was on his own when it happened.

What is the world coming to when a person cannot walk the streets

without fear of being attacked?

I think you'll find the streets are a lot safer now

than they have been for a long time.

Oh, Nurse Reid. Oh, my goodness...

Can I get you anything? A cup of tea?

-No, thank you. I'm all right.

-You don't look all right.

Are you sure you do not want to lie down?

There's no need to fuss. I'm not on death's door.

It must have been a terrible shock.

Can we just talk about something else, please?

Maybe you should think about taking the rest of the day off?

-I'm fine. Really.

-Actually, I was thinking of the patients.

It could put them off, looking like that.

Cheers.

He's not exactly a good advert for the Mill, is he?

Thanks for that, Howard.

But I think you'll find my son is the victim here.

That's not what I was saying.

That went well.

I was just trying to offer some constructive suggestion.

SHE SIGHS

I'll make it up to them.

When exactly were you going to tell me about this afternoon?

-It was meant to be an anniversary surprise.

-Anniversary?

We met one year ago today.

You can't have forgotten?

Of course not.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I want the whole world to know how much I love you.

You don't have to go to all this trouble.

I know how much you love me.

You don't mind, do you?

Mind? Oh Ryan I'm touched.

You must be touched

if you think my son making a public spectacle of himself is a good idea.

That's right. Rain on his parade as usual.

-Parade? More like a charade.

-Nobody asked your opinion.

-It's a lot more valid than yours. In fact...

-Please! Please!

-BOTH:

-What?!

I'm going to practise.

-Take care.

-Thank you.

-See you. Bye.

Chris, I've been thinking about these recent assaults.

And I've got one or two ideas, if you don't mind?

Course not.

I'm not saying you're going to be attacked again,

but these days, you can never be sure.

That's a cheerful thought.

Have you ever thought about a martial art?

CHRIS LAUGHS

-What? Like kick boxing?

-No. I'm thinking more self-defence.

It's about self-discipline, not lashing out.

For example, judo,

where you use the opponent's strength against themselves.

OK? Sort of stealth.

And when they're not ready...

What's that?

-What is going on?

-Nothing. We're just mucking about.

And you think it's funny, do you?

For goodness' sake, Heston.

Don't you dare take that tone of voice with me.

May I remind you this is my house.

Not again. Can't you ever change the record?

I will when Ryan sees you for what you really are.

You're a fashion, fake, obsessed gold-digging...

Yeah, yeah. I'm really only with Ryan

-cos he's such a great provider.

-Those were your words, not mine!

It's weird.

Every time I close my eyes, I keep getting flashes of Jimmi.

-Oh, yeah?

-I really need to talk to him about it

-but he's been in court giving evidence.

-He's probably...

I'll try to catch up with him if he gets out later.

What I'm saying is the case he's on is really slow.

It's possible that he could be there for days.

Guess what happened to me this afternoon?

Al thinks this could be a breakthrough for me.

I really need to let my therapist know.

Probably you should speak to Jimmi first.

You're right.

SHE LAUGHS

HE LAUGHS

What?

I've got this funny thing that Jimmi said running through my mind.

I've got to write it down.

We had a good laugh at the station as well today.

This shoplifter was brought in with a false leg filled...

Are you friends?

-Sorry?

-You and Jimmi. When you work together. Are you close?

I've set the stop.

We're in 16:9 so you should be able to get everyone in.

All right.

Please, Ryan. For the last time.

-You don't have to go through with this.

-Why not?

You don't have to stay if you don't want to.

-Nobody's keeping you.

-I want you to stay.

What, are you all right?

Hey, it's Mr Bellamy.

Howard! Howard! Howard!

You've arrived in the nick of time.

Have I?

Are those for us?

Actually, they're a peace offering for...

You're too sensitive.

We could never fall out, Howard.

Thanks. I know the calories are sinful.

But if we sin together, it's not half as bad.

PHONE PINGS

It's from Mrs Tembe.

-Jimmi's back from court.

-Good for him.

I've got to talk to him.

How about you put a bit of effort into talking to me first?

-Rob!

-Karen.

I'd have thought you'd be happy for me, I'm getting some memories back!

I am, but you are banging on about him. It's Jimmi this, Jimmi that.

"Banging on"?!

I'm remembering bits of my life and you call it "banging on".

I didn't mean it like that...

-Seems to me like you don't care at all.

-Of course I care.

Karen!

Please, Howard. Ryan will listen to you.

Tell him he mustn't play.

Why not?

He'll make a fool of himself.

-For her.

-Surely he's old enough to make his own decisions?

Well, well. Have you finally managed to nab yourself a boyfriend?

My sympathies.

Howard, this is Ally...

as in cat.

Pleased to meet you.

You must be very proud of him.

-Who?

-Ryan, for what he's about to do for you.

Oh. Yes, of course.

Your audience are getting impatient.

Right.

CHEERING

-Go on, Ryan!

-Go, Ryan.

What's wrong, Ryan? You OK?

Nothing. Just jitters.

-Go on, Ryan!

-Go on, Ryan!

Good luck.

HE STARTS PLAYING

HE STOPS PLAYING

Ryan... Ryan!

Come here, lad. Sit down.

It's OK, son. It's OK, I'm here, I'm here.

-I'll do it.

-Here.

Hello, I need an ambulance.

Stay with me, you're OK. You're OK.

It's going to take a while to get over it, I suppose.

What is?

Well, you know.

You...

Best not to dwell on it. Look to the future.

You got any plans for the weekend?

No. I think Lois mentioned doing something, but...

How's it going with you two?

Shall the three of us go out for a drink?

Catch a movie or something?

Be nice to get to know her.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sounds good.

Cool.

-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I let you down.

-Don't be silly.

You've nothing to apologise for.

Thank you. Oh! How are you, my darling? Are you OK?

The consultant said his condition has stabilised but they need to keep him in overnight for observation.

Did he mention what caused you to collapse, son?

The doctor seemed to think it might be linked to my nut allergy.

You didn't...you didn't eat that pie I baked, did you?

-Pie?

-It contained peanuts.

You stupid woman.

-I didn't know.

-Do you realise you nearly poisoned your own son?

-I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

-Stop it...

-You're not fit to be a mother.

-You should be ashamed of yourself...

-I didn't eat the stupid pie! OK?

OK, well, that's good.

So, what do you think caused the collapse?

What do you think you're doing?

Almonds.

What're you talking about?

I saw you messing about with this.

You put something in your coat.

Would you mind emptying your pockets?

Certainly not. Who the hell do you think you are anyway?

I've been having all these memory flashbacks.

And you seem to be in most of them.

-Really?

-I wondered if I could talk to you,

-see if I can remember more.

-OK. Well...

Dr Clay, you are looking quite exhausted,

if you don't mind me saying so.

Why don't you go and sit down and have a nice cup of tea?

Don't you think that Dr Clay can answer your questions

when he is a little more refreshed?

It's fine, Mrs Tembe.

SHE SIGHS

Why did you deliberately want Ryan to suffer an allergic reaction?

It was for his benefit.

I was only thinking of you.

Oh! Rubbish.

How do you mean?

How do I put this?

You could have done without the grand gesture.

Go on.

You're not actually a very good bagpipes player.

That's not true! Mum?

Actually, son, you're pretty awful.

Then why were you encouraging me to play?

I could see it was helping you lose weight.

But the trouble was, the more you played, the worse you got.

And the idea of you performing in public...

And it going on the internet...

It might have gone viral!

So you sabotaged me.

As I said, it was for your own good.

This was for his own good?

You must remember the restaurant.

No, I'm sorry. Are you sure it was me?

Positive. Think back, please.

You were wearing that suit, or one like it.

I think... I think you were trying to help me.

Erm...

Oh, erm...

Mikela's? Michele's? That's the name of the restaurant.

Yes. Yeah, you thought you were having a heart attack that day.

Turned out to be a panic attack.

I took you to Michele's to cheer you up.

And...

Do you remember the waiter that served us?

Er...

The one with the moustache?

What's wrong?

SHE MOUTHS

SHE SOBS

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Ryan could have died.

I didn't know he'd have such a severe reaction. I'm sorry, OK?

You should be aware I'm a Special Police Officer.

Then why don't you arrest her?

Oh, stop being so melodramatic. Look at the upside.

At least Ryan's been prevented from making us look ridiculous.

Aren't you just talking about yourself?

-Protecting your image.

-Is that so unreasonable?

-Yes.

-I don't want to be known as the wife of a local laughing stock.

Enough!

All this time you've been lying to me.

Do you know what? I could almost let that go.

But you were willing to let my mum take the blame for what you did.

You needn't worry about marrying somebody

who makes a fool of himself.

You're dumping me? No, no, no, no.

I'm the one who gets to say when this relationship is...

Shut up and get out!

This is all your fault.

Happy to oblige.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Aren't you forgetting something?

Your engagement ring. Give it back.

Nice.

Thank you so much, Howard.

We're truly in your debt.

-It's all part of the service.

-Don't be so modest.

You'd make such a wonderful father figure for my boy.

Wouldn't he, Ryan?

Take care.

I think I just had a very narrow escape.

Here. Get your strength up.

What are you doing?

Don't you ever knock?

Tell me you're not serious.

OK, I'm not serious.

Happy now?

I can understand that you want to protect yourself

but joining a boxing club is not the answer.

-Violence just breeds violence.

-Oh, please.

-I want you to promise me

that you will stop going out alone after dark.

I'll just stay in the house for the rest of my life, shall I?

There's no need to be childish.

Why not? Since you're the one

who's hell-bent on treating me like I'm a kid!

I am just trying to keep you safe.

In case you haven't noticed, Mother, I'm not ten years old any more.

Do you know what, all this?

I reckon it's down to you.

I beg your pardon?

You're the one who brought me up to be a softie.

So no wonder I'm a target to all those people out there.

Thank you, Mother.

Thank you very much.

We're much better off without the likes of Howard

and Ally in our lives.

It's at times like these when you know what's important,

and it's family. It's true what they say - blood IS thicker than water.

From now, on it's just us. We can stick together.

I think we should go to that Italian restaurant tomorrow.

Haven't seen Luigi for ages.

You know, if I'd had a girl, I was going to call her Francesca.

Hey, look! First one in the series! You were looking for this?

Wasn't me.

Look at us.

Here I am, hanging on to some plant

because all I've got are memories.

And then there's you.

No memories.

-So you're happy?

-Yeah.

-Replacing Freya with Lois?

Fine. I'm backing off.