The Pool Boy Doctors


The Pool Boy

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Angus?

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ANGUS?!

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Get down here this minute!

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What the hell were you doing in here?

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Oh, we came back from the pub...

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Got a pizza and... I'm sorry, OK?

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Ah! Good morning, Mr Biglow!

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Good morning, Mrs Tembe. Dr Clay.

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I'm sure you'll have noticed the lack of any fresh graffiti

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on the premises over the last couple of days...

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Well, that is good news.

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There's no need to inform Mr Bellamy, I've spoken to him.

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I was prepared to remain here overnight in a concealed location,

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but it seems my counter enforcement measures

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have made a citizen's arrest unnecessary.

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Great. We can all sleep easily...

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I had the CCTV camera moved, you see.

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That and my increased foot patrols would seem to have done the trick.

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I'd better be getting on...

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I've been doing a lot of research into the psychology

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of graffiti artists. Most studies suggest that the shorter the time

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the graffiti is present, the less likely it is to return.

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-So, mission accomplished!

-Hmm-hmm!

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-I could try nail-polish remover?

-It had better come off, Angus.

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It will, all right? Trust me.

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So, what time did you get in last night?

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I don't know. One. Maybe two?

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-You weren't answering your phone.

-Yeah. My battery died.

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Funny how often that happens!

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-So, who were you with this time?

-Do we have to do this again?

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Yes, we do.

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Until I'm convinced that you're not sleeping with anyone.

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I was with Justin and the boys, all right?

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I'm not seeing anyone else.

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So, how come I've developed a mysterious bladder infection

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since we last slept together?

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What? I don't know.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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If you've given me something, Angus,

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I'll have your bits made into a pair of earrings!

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I haven't given you anything, OK?!

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Rosario? The door?

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Why won't you believe me?

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Because I know what men are like.

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Look, I haven't been with anyone else since we got together. OK?

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I swear.

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I want to believe you

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So, why don't you? Hmm?

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Come on, where's my Sweet Cheeks?

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I hate it when we argue all the time.

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Then don't.

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HE GROANS

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See? You can't even bear me to touch you!

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I've got a hangover.

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Sorry. Am I interrupting?

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We've got a planning meeting at 9:15?

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Excuse me.

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Oh, dear. Trouble in paradise?

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ANGUS SIGHS

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Why did you have to let me get so hammered?

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All I wanted to do was to come back and smooth things over with Carly.

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-Now I'm in even more trouble!

-You need to grow a pair, mate.

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Women don't want some mincer grovelling to them

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every five minutes.

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What happened after we left The Feathers?

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-You don't remember?

-No, not a thing.

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Lightweight!

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We had a few in The Bracken. Then Terry had a lock-in.

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-Was I chatting up any girls?

-No!

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You will back me up if Carly asks, won't you? It's important.

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The only thing you were flirting with was your ale.

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I'll swear an oath to that, if you like.

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Cheers, pal.

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Justin?

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I'm going to have to cancel our meeting.

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I've made an appointment at the doctors.

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Can you come back this afternoon, say, 4:30?

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You're the boss. I'll see you later.

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Would you mind taking me to the surgery, please?

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-Why?

-Just do what I ask.

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All right, I'll get dressed.

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-Morning!

-Hi.

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-I called earlier and made an appointment.

-What's the name?

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It's Angus Sweet and Carly Forde.

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Eh? Why do I need to see the doctor?

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It's with Dr Carmichael.

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I made an appointment for us both.

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Yeah, why didn't you say?

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Because I knew if I did, you wouldn't come.

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-Can you believe this?

-Maybe you should listen to your mum.

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Oh, he's my lover, not my son.

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Oh!

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Erm, Dr Carmichael! Your next patients are here.

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SHE MOUTHS

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If you'd like to come on through...

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So, how are things? You busy at work?

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It's not a social call, Heston. I need your professional opinion.

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Will Karen EVER get her memory back? Just say, yes or no?

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We've been here before.

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Yeah, but that was when she was still in hospital.

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You really should talk to her consultant.

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I've been asking them for months! Nobody will be straight with me!

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Which is why I'm here -

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to get an honest answer from someone I trust.

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Carly, what are we doing here?

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Yes, that was going to be my next question.

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I'd like you to test us both for STIs.

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-Starting with him.

-What?!

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Since we last had sex together, I've developed pain when urinating.

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Angus won't discuss his condition, but there's obviously something wrong

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because every time I initiate sex, he runs a mile.

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She thinks I've been sleeping around, but I haven't!

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So why have you suddenly gone off sex?

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You're 22, for god's sake! Or is it me you've gone off?

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So why am I still living with you?

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For the extra benefits?

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Carly, that's not fair! I've never asked you for anything!

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Look, Mr Sweet, take a seat.

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Have you been experiencing any pain when urinating?

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Any discharge?

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Carly, I've not given you an infection.

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Then you won't mind taking the test.

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Look, I think you really need to discuss this

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between yourselves, in your own time.

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As far as I'm concerned, if you won't take the test

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when I'm in the room, then that is a clear admission of guilt.

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-OK, we need to stop now.

-So, what does this test involve?

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A simple physical examination and a urine sample.

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No. I'm not being bullied like this.

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Angus, if you walk out that door, we're finished.

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I mean that.

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Angus!

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Are you OK?

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I want the test.

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He may not respect my body, but I do.

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-When will I get the results?

-It can take several days.

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No, I need them today.

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You'll need to go to a private sexual health clinic

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-where they have a same-day service.

-Fine. I'll do that.

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If you give me a urine sample, I can check for other infections.

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I can't pee on cue!

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You can always bring it back later.

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Fine!

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But if I'm right about Angus,

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I know EXACTLY what kind of infection he's given me!

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I wish I could be more definitive,

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but there are no guarantees in this field.

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I mean, she is getting some of her memories back.

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And that's promising.

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But none of them are about the kids or good ones about me!

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It's like she's editing us out on purpose!

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I'm sure she isn't.

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So how come her only memory of me is from the worst time in our marriage?

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You asked me for a straight answer.

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Karen may have had a rush of memories...

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but that might be it.

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She may never remember you or the kids.

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And you have to prepare yourself for that.

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Here you are. That should sort you out.

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If you want my advice, I wouldn't give her the time of day.

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Not after she frogmarched you to the doctors like that.

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-People said it wouldn't last this long.

-Yeah, I was one of 'em.

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I just really like her, that's all.

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I should go and see her, shouldn't I?

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No way! She should be apologising, not you.

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She treats you like her lackey.

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Maybe you need to stand on your own two feet,

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without some rich bitch bankrolling you.

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She's not all that, you know?

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-Now where are you going?

-Toilet.

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What are you having?

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello, my name's Carly Forde. I've got an appointment.

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-OK, if you'd just like to take a seat for me.

-Thank you.

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Oh, hello. It's Carly Forde from CF Interior and Design.

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Yeah, I'd like to cancel one of our company credit cards.

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Yeah. The cardholder's name is Angus Sweet.

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Barry. Yeah. It's Dr Clay.

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Listen, I'm not sure how to tell you this,

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but there's been another one of those

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'defacements of private property'?

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-Do you mind if I join you?

-Hmm? Sorry, I was miles away.

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-In the past or the future?

-The present.

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As good a place as any.

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You've been buying things?

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-Re-stocking.

-They look posh.

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Lemon and cardamom. Be my guest.

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No, thanks.

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-You used to love these.

-Really?

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Don't mind if I do. I'm famished.

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-Did you see your stalker?

-Sorry?

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The lad from earlier with the girlfriend old enough to be his mum.

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I don't see what the deal is when a mature woman

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chooses to have a younger boyfriend.

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No-one would bat an eyelid if it was the other way round.

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He wanted to see you. I told him surgery was closed.

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-When was this?

-A few minutes ago.

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Maybe he's got a thing for you?

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Always possible.

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Why don't you try it?

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-Oh! Nice.

-You see?

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How do you remember if you like something

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unless you give it a second chance?

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Just a thought.

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Why don't you just hit me over the head with a sledgehammer?

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Mr Sweet?

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My colleague said you wanted to see me?

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Um. Yeah.

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Well?

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Yeah, but, it's a bit awkward...

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There's really nothing to be embarrassed about. Trust me.

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-I've heard it all before.

-I think I might have cancer.

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Oh, dear. This is for you.

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Is there anything I can do to help?

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Well, that depends, Mrs Tembe.

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Did you see anything suspicious between the hours

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-of 1:15 and 2:00?

-No, I was in the surgery all morning.

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I brought in a packed lunch.

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At least you have your CCTV.

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This is a blind spot.

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I realise now he was just letting me get comfortable.

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This isn't just some random act of vandalism any more, Mrs Tembe.

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This is personal.

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What are you going to do?

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He's getting confident.

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That's when people make mistakes.

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I'm going to beat him at his own game.

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Sorry.

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In your own time.

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-It's when I have sex.

-Right.

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-And? Is it painful?

-Hmmm.

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Where?

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My foreskin.

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When I get an, er...

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-Erection?

-Yeah.

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It's agony.

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I can't tell my mates about it. I'd never live it down.

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And I daren't tell Carly. She might think

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I can't keep up with her in the bedroom.

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She thinks I don't want to have sex with her

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because I've got an STI, but it's not that.

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You read about it all the time,

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people not getting themselves checked out.

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Let's just have a look, shall we, hmm?

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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-Oh. Um. Angus isn't here.

-No. We've got a 4:30.

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Oh, God! I've done it again, haven't I?

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Come in. Excuse the mess.

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Sorry. Is this a bad time?

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-Angus told me you fell out.

-No!

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The fact that Angus and I have split up has no bearing on business.

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I'm just dumping his stuff.

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-Do you want a coffee?

-Yeah, cheers.

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Justin?

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-Do you take sugar?

-Me? No. I'm sweet enough.

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So, did Angus tell you why we split up?

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He said he'd knocked it on the head.

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I told him. I said, "You're making the biggest mistake,"

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but he wouldn't listen.

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Well, I knew he was seeing other women.

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Did he ever ask you to cover for him?

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-I'm not proud of it.

-Thank you.

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That's all I needed to know.

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PHONE RINGS

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Excuse me.

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Hello?

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You're absolutely sure it's negative?

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OK, thanks.

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I'm just going to get changed.

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Why don't you make yourself at home?

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You can get dressed now.

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So? Is it bad?

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It's not cancer. It's just a fungal infection underneath the skin.

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Nothing to worry about.

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-Really?

-Yep.

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So, can I ask you - how often do you and your partner usually have sex?

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Um, every night...

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..and morning...

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..and sometimes in the afternoon.

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No wonder it was painful.

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OK, you need to abstain from sex for the time being,

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to give the skin the opportunity to heal properly.

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I'm going to prescribe an anti-fungal cream.

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-That's it?

-Yep.

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And then I'll be able to have sex again?

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In two or three weeks.

0:16:060:16:07

You need to apply the cream to the area when it's clean and dry,

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two or three times a day.

0:16:110:16:13

Maybe Carly'll believe me now?

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How long have you two been together?

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A year.

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Carly's a property developer.

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She designs these amazing houses for footballers and celebs.

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I work for a company that builds swimming pools.

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We were putting a pool in one of the properties

0:16:290:16:31

and we just clicked.

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I know people think it's weird because she's older and everything.

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That's their problem.

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I love her.

0:16:410:16:42

I just get tongue-tied.

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I find it hard to tell her - then she gets suspicious.

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Well, actions speak louder than words.

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And I don't just mean a bunch of flowers.

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If she's into grand designs, maybe she'd appreciate a grand gesture.

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HE SNORES

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CAR HORN BLARES

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That's OK. I said to make yourself at home.

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You've got an amazing place, Carly. You've got great taste.

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Not in men.

0:17:330:17:34

I was thinking about what you said earlier.

0:17:360:17:40

I really appreciate your honesty.

0:17:400:17:42

I'm so tired of men taking me for granted.

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Men like Angus.

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You're worth ten of him.

0:17:490:17:51

He'll regret it - just you wait.

0:17:510:17:54

It's karma.

0:17:540:17:56

Can I ask a favour?

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Would you mind helping me drop that stuff off at the charity shop?

0:17:590:18:04

-I just want to get rid of every last trace of him.

-Of course.

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And maybe later we could go for dinner?

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Unless you've got any plans?

0:18:120:18:14

No. I'd love to.

0:18:140:18:17

Great.

0:18:170:18:18

You take the weight off, I'll load up the car.

0:18:200:18:23

The car keys are in the blue bowl.

0:18:250:18:27

-Just stick everything on the back seat.

-No problem.

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Oh, no.

0:18:370:18:39

I thought you had the area cordoned off, Barry?

0:18:410:18:43

-But how could they do this when you were hiding in the bushes?

-Bushes?

0:18:430:18:47

I don't need to remind you that this

0:18:470:18:48

is a very serious matter, Doctor Clay.

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Maybe the graffiti wizard's got an invisibility cloak -

0:18:500:18:53

unless you nodded off?

0:18:530:18:55

-He nodded off!

-Oh, dear.

-Only for a couple of minutes!

0:18:580:19:01

I've slept fitfully this week due to all this stress.

0:19:020:19:06

-What are you doing?

-It's important evidence.

0:19:060:19:09

Why are we stopping?

0:19:180:19:19

I was just thinking - the restaurant's five-star,

0:19:190:19:22

you won't get in dressed like that.

0:19:220:19:24

Oh.

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You're a similar build to Angus -

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why don't you put on one of his suits?

0:19:270:19:30

-They're Italian - worth a fortune.

-Don't mind if I do.

0:19:300:19:33

There's even some designer undies still in the box -

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if you fancy going all the way.

0:19:360:19:39

Oh, aye. You just want to see me get my kit off.

0:19:390:19:41

I knew it! All right then - while the coast's clear.

0:19:430:19:48

-You're not a shy boy, are you?

-Nope.

0:19:500:19:53

-Good, I like a cheeky boy.

-Find me something to wear.

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All right, get them off.

0:19:580:19:59

You got any shoes in there?

0:20:040:20:05

-Size nine?

-I'm a size eight, but that's fine.

0:20:050:20:09

-Well? You want me to go all the way?

-What do you think?

0:20:140:20:18

Your turn.

0:20:230:20:24

All right, but first things first - turn around and budge over

0:20:240:20:28

so I can get out your side.

0:20:280:20:31

And close your eyes, you rude boy!

0:20:310:20:33

Very funny!

0:20:380:20:39

Oi! What do you think you're doing?

0:20:420:20:44

Thought you'd pawn these, did you, Justin?

0:20:440:20:47

I saw you nick them.

0:20:470:20:48

Your wallet and your phone will be at the office.

0:20:500:20:53

Oh, and by the way, you're fired.

0:20:530:20:55

-What?!

-It's called karma.

0:20:550:20:57

-You can't leave me like this in the middle of nowhere!

-You're right.

0:20:570:21:01

The A38's about five miles down that way. Enjoy the fresh air!

0:21:040:21:08

Wah-hey - that's a slow one!

0:21:120:21:14

Yes. Thank you.

0:21:220:21:23

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in!

0:21:230:21:26

Bye-bye.

0:21:260:21:29

-Hi.

-Hello again.

0:21:290:21:32

I've brought that sample.

0:21:320:21:34

I went to a private clinic like you suggested.

0:21:340:21:38

I tested negative for STIs.

0:21:380:21:41

I'm sorry I was such a cow earlier.

0:21:430:21:46

It's OK. Let's just see what's been causing that pain, shall we?

0:21:460:21:51

What measures have you taken, Barry?

0:21:530:21:55

Measures? It's wall scrawl. Nobody has died!

0:21:550:21:58

I've removed the offending image

0:21:580:22:00

and instigated a 24-hour surveillance operation.

0:22:000:22:03

I'll have a member of staff here permanently around the clock.

0:22:030:22:06

We'll get the little toerag, mark my words.

0:22:060:22:10

Good man, good man. Keep me informed.

0:22:100:22:12

Out.

0:22:120:22:15

All right, Kieran, I'll relieve you at 2100 hours. Stay sharp.

0:22:150:22:19

Do you not think you're getting this a little bit out of proportion?

0:22:200:22:23

-What do you suggest?

-Leave it up. It looks great.

0:22:230:22:25

If it was up to people like you, we'd have a completely lawless society.

0:22:250:22:28

-So? What do you think it is?

-Cystitis.

0:22:320:22:36

I'll still send the sample off, though,

0:22:360:22:38

so we can see how serious it is.

0:22:380:22:40

I've never had urinary problems before.

0:22:400:22:42

There are certain conditions which are statistically more likely

0:22:420:22:45

to affect women later in life.

0:22:450:22:47

Oh, I get it. The big 'M'?

0:22:470:22:49

Well, I hope it doesn't affect my sex life!

0:22:490:22:52

It doesn't have to, although we do all have to make some

0:22:520:22:54

concessions to our age.

0:22:540:22:56

Concessions I can handle, just don't expect me to start dating

0:22:560:23:00

some old fart who wants to wear pyjamas and drink cocoa in bed.

0:23:000:23:05

I only do younger.

0:23:050:23:06

Believe me, you're preaching to the converted.

0:23:060:23:09

I like them fit and firm!

0:23:090:23:11

Angus isn't like the others, they're just out for what

0:23:130:23:16

they can get - like Justin.

0:23:160:23:18

Shame I didn't realise that sooner.

0:23:180:23:20

No fool like an old fool.

0:23:200:23:22

It's never too late.

0:23:230:23:25

DOOR OPENS

0:23:250:23:27

Is there somewhere we can talk in private?

0:23:330:23:35

-I got your text. Angus, I'm so sorry.

-It's fine.

0:23:540:23:57

I should never have accused you of all those awful things.

0:23:570:24:00

Can you ever forgive me?

0:24:000:24:02

Wow. They say a good kiss can scramble anyone's brains.

0:24:050:24:09

It's your favourite Champagne.

0:24:130:24:16

I cut up the credit card you gave me.

0:24:160:24:18

From now on, I'm paying my own way.

0:24:180:24:20

Starting with this.

0:24:210:24:23

Sorry, mate, can you give us a minute?

0:24:240:24:26

Of course.

0:24:260:24:27

You know I'm not good with words,

0:24:330:24:35

but I reckon actions speak louder, so here goes...

0:24:350:24:41

I know it's cheap, but it's all I can afford right now.

0:24:490:24:53

But I want you to know that I love you

0:24:530:24:58

and I'll do everything I can to make you happy.

0:24:580:25:02

Will you marry me?

0:25:020:25:04

Yes!

0:25:040:25:06

APPLAUSE

0:25:060:25:09

I had this whole speech prepared...

0:25:100:25:12

..about how I've never loved anyone like I loved you...

0:25:140:25:19

..but they're all just words.

0:25:230:25:24

I'm really sorry if I let you down, Karen,

0:25:280:25:32

and I've tried everything I could to be your husband.

0:25:320:25:35

I've taken knock after knock.

0:25:370:25:40

I can't take it any more.

0:25:420:25:43

So I've decided to take the job in Leamington Spa.

0:25:470:25:50

When do you start?

0:25:550:25:56

Next week.

0:25:560:25:57

Well?

0:26:050:26:06

Well, I think that you're probably right that it's...

0:26:080:26:12

..best for the both of us.

0:26:140:26:15

OK.

0:26:230:26:24

DOOR OPENS

0:26:320:26:34

Same at school, only it was tripping over tackles then.

0:27:030:27:06

Same sense of humour, hey, Gene?

0:27:060:27:08

Are you sure you're all right?

0:27:080:27:11

Yeah! He's not going to Siberia!

0:27:110:27:13

-Can I help?

-I want to see Kevin.

0:27:130:27:16

-And you are?

-Gene. His mate.

0:27:160:27:18

There's a reason people say it takes time.

0:27:180:27:21

Come on then! Come on then!

0:27:210:27:24

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