The Pool Boy Doctors

Angus?

ANGUS?!

Get down here this minute!

What the hell were you doing in here?

Oh, we came back from the pub...

Got a pizza and... I'm sorry, OK?

Ah! Good morning, Mr Biglow!

Good morning, Mrs Tembe. Dr Clay.

I'm sure you'll have noticed the lack of any fresh graffiti

on the premises over the last couple of days...

Well, that is good news.

There's no need to inform Mr Bellamy, I've spoken to him.

I was prepared to remain here overnight in a concealed location,

but it seems my counter enforcement measures

have made a citizen's arrest unnecessary.

Great. We can all sleep easily...

I had the CCTV camera moved, you see.

That and my increased foot patrols would seem to have done the trick.

I'd better be getting on...

I've been doing a lot of research into the psychology

of graffiti artists. Most studies suggest that the shorter the time

the graffiti is present, the less likely it is to return.

-So, mission accomplished!

-Hmm-hmm!

-I could try nail-polish remover?

-It had better come off, Angus.

It will, all right? Trust me.

So, what time did you get in last night?

I don't know. One. Maybe two?

-You weren't answering your phone.

-Yeah. My battery died.

Funny how often that happens!

-So, who were you with this time?

-Do we have to do this again?

Yes, we do.

Until I'm convinced that you're not sleeping with anyone.

I was with Justin and the boys, all right?

I'm not seeing anyone else.

So, how come I've developed a mysterious bladder infection

since we last slept together?

What? I don't know.

KNOCK AT DOOR

If you've given me something, Angus,

I'll have your bits made into a pair of earrings!

I haven't given you anything, OK?!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Rosario? The door?

Why won't you believe me?

Because I know what men are like.

Look, I haven't been with anyone else since we got together. OK?

I swear.

I want to believe you

So, why don't you? Hmm?

Come on, where's my Sweet Cheeks?

I hate it when we argue all the time.

Then don't.

HE GROANS

See? You can't even bear me to touch you!

I've got a hangover.

Sorry. Am I interrupting?

We've got a planning meeting at 9:15?

Excuse me.

Oh, dear. Trouble in paradise?

ANGUS SIGHS

Why did you have to let me get so hammered?

All I wanted to do was to come back and smooth things over with Carly.

-Now I'm in even more trouble!

-You need to grow a pair, mate.

Women don't want some mincer grovelling to them

every five minutes.

What happened after we left The Feathers?

-You don't remember?

-No, not a thing.

Lightweight!

We had a few in The Bracken. Then Terry had a lock-in.

-Was I chatting up any girls?

-No!

You will back me up if Carly asks, won't you? It's important.

The only thing you were flirting with was your ale.

I'll swear an oath to that, if you like.

Cheers, pal.

Justin?

I'm going to have to cancel our meeting.

I've made an appointment at the doctors.

Can you come back this afternoon, say, 4:30?

You're the boss. I'll see you later.

Would you mind taking me to the surgery, please?

-Why?

-Just do what I ask.

All right, I'll get dressed.

-Morning!

-Hi.

-I called earlier and made an appointment.

-What's the name?

It's Angus Sweet and Carly Forde.

Eh? Why do I need to see the doctor?

It's with Dr Carmichael.

I made an appointment for us both.

Yeah, why didn't you say?

Because I knew if I did, you wouldn't come.

-Can you believe this?

-Maybe you should listen to your mum.

Oh, he's my lover, not my son.

Oh!

Erm, Dr Carmichael! Your next patients are here.

SHE MOUTHS

If you'd like to come on through...

So, how are things? You busy at work?

It's not a social call, Heston. I need your professional opinion.

Will Karen EVER get her memory back? Just say, yes or no?

We've been here before.

Yeah, but that was when she was still in hospital.

You really should talk to her consultant.

I've been asking them for months! Nobody will be straight with me!

Which is why I'm here -

to get an honest answer from someone I trust.

Carly, what are we doing here?

Yes, that was going to be my next question.

I'd like you to test us both for STIs.

-Starting with him.

-What?!

Since we last had sex together, I've developed pain when urinating.

Angus won't discuss his condition, but there's obviously something wrong

because every time I initiate sex, he runs a mile.

She thinks I've been sleeping around, but I haven't!

So why have you suddenly gone off sex?

You're 22, for god's sake! Or is it me you've gone off?

So why am I still living with you?

For the extra benefits?

Carly, that's not fair! I've never asked you for anything!

Look, Mr Sweet, take a seat.

Have you been experiencing any pain when urinating?

Any discharge?

Carly, I've not given you an infection.

Then you won't mind taking the test.

Look, I think you really need to discuss this

between yourselves, in your own time.

As far as I'm concerned, if you won't take the test

when I'm in the room, then that is a clear admission of guilt.

-OK, we need to stop now.

-So, what does this test involve?

A simple physical examination and a urine sample.

No. I'm not being bullied like this.

Angus, if you walk out that door, we're finished.

I mean that.

Angus!

Are you OK?

I want the test.

He may not respect my body, but I do.

-When will I get the results?

-It can take several days.

No, I need them today.

You'll need to go to a private sexual health clinic

-where they have a same-day service.

-Fine. I'll do that.

If you give me a urine sample, I can check for other infections.

I can't pee on cue!

You can always bring it back later.

Fine!

But if I'm right about Angus,

I know EXACTLY what kind of infection he's given me!

I wish I could be more definitive,

but there are no guarantees in this field.

I mean, she is getting some of her memories back.

And that's promising.

But none of them are about the kids or good ones about me!

It's like she's editing us out on purpose!

I'm sure she isn't.

So how come her only memory of me is from the worst time in our marriage?

You asked me for a straight answer.

Karen may have had a rush of memories...

but that might be it.

She may never remember you or the kids.

And you have to prepare yourself for that.

Here you are. That should sort you out.

If you want my advice, I wouldn't give her the time of day.

Not after she frogmarched you to the doctors like that.

-People said it wouldn't last this long.

-Yeah, I was one of 'em.

I just really like her, that's all.

I should go and see her, shouldn't I?

No way! She should be apologising, not you.

She treats you like her lackey.

Maybe you need to stand on your own two feet,

without some rich bitch bankrolling you.

She's not all that, you know?

-Now where are you going?

-Toilet.

What are you having?

PHONE RINGS

Hello, my name's Carly Forde. I've got an appointment.

-OK, if you'd just like to take a seat for me.

-Thank you.

Oh, hello. It's Carly Forde from CF Interior and Design.

Yeah, I'd like to cancel one of our company credit cards.

Yeah. The cardholder's name is Angus Sweet.

Barry. Yeah. It's Dr Clay.

Listen, I'm not sure how to tell you this,

but there's been another one of those

'defacements of private property'?

-Do you mind if I join you?

-Hmm? Sorry, I was miles away.

-In the past or the future?

-The present.

As good a place as any.

You've been buying things?

-Re-stocking.

-They look posh.

Lemon and cardamom. Be my guest.

No, thanks.

-You used to love these.

-Really?

Don't mind if I do. I'm famished.

-Did you see your stalker?

-Sorry?

The lad from earlier with the girlfriend old enough to be his mum.

I don't see what the deal is when a mature woman

chooses to have a younger boyfriend.

No-one would bat an eyelid if it was the other way round.

He wanted to see you. I told him surgery was closed.

-When was this?

-A few minutes ago.

Maybe he's got a thing for you?

Always possible.

Why don't you try it?

-Oh! Nice.

-You see?

How do you remember if you like something

unless you give it a second chance?

Just a thought.

Why don't you just hit me over the head with a sledgehammer?

Mr Sweet?

My colleague said you wanted to see me?

Um. Yeah.

Well?

Yeah, but, it's a bit awkward...

There's really nothing to be embarrassed about. Trust me.

-I've heard it all before.

-I think I might have cancer.

Oh, dear. This is for you.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Well, that depends, Mrs Tembe.

Did you see anything suspicious between the hours

-of 1:15 and 2:00?

-No, I was in the surgery all morning.

I brought in a packed lunch.

At least you have your CCTV.

This is a blind spot.

I realise now he was just letting me get comfortable.

This isn't just some random act of vandalism any more, Mrs Tembe.

This is personal.

What are you going to do?

He's getting confident.

That's when people make mistakes.

I'm going to beat him at his own game.

Sorry.

In your own time.

-It's when I have sex.

-Right.

-And? Is it painful?

-Hmmm.

Where?

My foreskin.

When I get an, er...

-Erection?

-Yeah.

It's agony.

I can't tell my mates about it. I'd never live it down.

And I daren't tell Carly. She might think

I can't keep up with her in the bedroom.

She thinks I don't want to have sex with her

because I've got an STI, but it's not that.

You read about it all the time,

people not getting themselves checked out.

Let's just have a look, shall we, hmm?

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Oh. Um. Angus isn't here.

-No. We've got a 4:30.

Oh, God! I've done it again, haven't I?

Come in. Excuse the mess.

Sorry. Is this a bad time?

-Angus told me you fell out.

-No!

The fact that Angus and I have split up has no bearing on business.

I'm just dumping his stuff.

-Do you want a coffee?

-Yeah, cheers.

Justin?

-Do you take sugar?

-Me? No. I'm sweet enough.

So, did Angus tell you why we split up?

He said he'd knocked it on the head.

I told him. I said, "You're making the biggest mistake,"

but he wouldn't listen.

Well, I knew he was seeing other women.

Did he ever ask you to cover for him?

-I'm not proud of it.

-Thank you.

That's all I needed to know.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

Hello?

You're absolutely sure it's negative?

OK, thanks.

I'm just going to get changed.

Why don't you make yourself at home?

You can get dressed now.

So? Is it bad?

It's not cancer. It's just a fungal infection underneath the skin.

Nothing to worry about.

-Really?

-Yep.

So, can I ask you - how often do you and your partner usually have sex?

Um, every night...

..and morning...

..and sometimes in the afternoon.

No wonder it was painful.

OK, you need to abstain from sex for the time being,

to give the skin the opportunity to heal properly.

I'm going to prescribe an anti-fungal cream.

-That's it?

-Yep.

And then I'll be able to have sex again?

In two or three weeks.

You need to apply the cream to the area when it's clean and dry,

two or three times a day.

Maybe Carly'll believe me now?

How long have you two been together?

A year.

Carly's a property developer.

She designs these amazing houses for footballers and celebs.

I work for a company that builds swimming pools.

We were putting a pool in one of the properties

and we just clicked.

I know people think it's weird because she's older and everything.

That's their problem.

I love her.

I just get tongue-tied.

I find it hard to tell her - then she gets suspicious.

Well, actions speak louder than words.

And I don't just mean a bunch of flowers.

If she's into grand designs, maybe she'd appreciate a grand gesture.

HE SNORES

CAR HORN BLARES

That's OK. I said to make yourself at home.

You've got an amazing place, Carly. You've got great taste.

Not in men.

I was thinking about what you said earlier.

I really appreciate your honesty.

I'm so tired of men taking me for granted.

Men like Angus.

You're worth ten of him.

He'll regret it - just you wait.

It's karma.

Can I ask a favour?

Would you mind helping me drop that stuff off at the charity shop?

-I just want to get rid of every last trace of him.

-Of course.

And maybe later we could go for dinner?

Unless you've got any plans?

No. I'd love to.

Great.

You take the weight off, I'll load up the car.

The car keys are in the blue bowl.

-Just stick everything on the back seat.

-No problem.

Oh, no.

I thought you had the area cordoned off, Barry?

-But how could they do this when you were hiding in the bushes?

-Bushes?

I don't need to remind you that this

is a very serious matter, Doctor Clay.

Maybe the graffiti wizard's got an invisibility cloak -

unless you nodded off?

-He nodded off!

-Oh, dear.

-Only for a couple of minutes!

I've slept fitfully this week due to all this stress.

-What are you doing?

-It's important evidence.

Why are we stopping?

I was just thinking - the restaurant's five-star,

you won't get in dressed like that.

Oh.

You're a similar build to Angus -

why don't you put on one of his suits?

-They're Italian - worth a fortune.

-Don't mind if I do.

There's even some designer undies still in the box -

if you fancy going all the way.

Oh, aye. You just want to see me get my kit off.

I knew it! All right then - while the coast's clear.

-You're not a shy boy, are you?

-Nope.

-Good, I like a cheeky boy.

-Find me something to wear.

All right, get them off.

You got any shoes in there?

-Size nine?

-I'm a size eight, but that's fine.

-Well? You want me to go all the way?

-What do you think?

Your turn.

All right, but first things first - turn around and budge over

so I can get out your side.

And close your eyes, you rude boy!

Very funny!

Oi! What do you think you're doing?

Thought you'd pawn these, did you, Justin?

I saw you nick them.

Your wallet and your phone will be at the office.

Oh, and by the way, you're fired.

-What?!

-It's called karma.

-You can't leave me like this in the middle of nowhere!

-You're right.

The A38's about five miles down that way. Enjoy the fresh air!

Wah-hey - that's a slow one!

Yes. Thank you.

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in!

Bye-bye.

-Hi.

-Hello again.

I've brought that sample.

I went to a private clinic like you suggested.

I tested negative for STIs.

I'm sorry I was such a cow earlier.

It's OK. Let's just see what's been causing that pain, shall we?

What measures have you taken, Barry?

Measures? It's wall scrawl. Nobody has died!

I've removed the offending image

and instigated a 24-hour surveillance operation.

I'll have a member of staff here permanently around the clock.

We'll get the little toerag, mark my words.

Good man, good man. Keep me informed.

Out.

All right, Kieran, I'll relieve you at 2100 hours. Stay sharp.

Do you not think you're getting this a little bit out of proportion?

-What do you suggest?

-Leave it up. It looks great.

If it was up to people like you, we'd have a completely lawless society.

-So? What do you think it is?

-Cystitis.

I'll still send the sample off, though,

so we can see how serious it is.

I've never had urinary problems before.

There are certain conditions which are statistically more likely

to affect women later in life.

Oh, I get it. The big 'M'?

Well, I hope it doesn't affect my sex life!

It doesn't have to, although we do all have to make some

concessions to our age.

Concessions I can handle, just don't expect me to start dating

some old fart who wants to wear pyjamas and drink cocoa in bed.

I only do younger.

Believe me, you're preaching to the converted.

I like them fit and firm!

Angus isn't like the others, they're just out for what

they can get - like Justin.

Shame I didn't realise that sooner.

No fool like an old fool.

It's never too late.

DOOR OPENS

Is there somewhere we can talk in private?

-I got your text. Angus, I'm so sorry.

-It's fine.

I should never have accused you of all those awful things.

Can you ever forgive me?

Wow. They say a good kiss can scramble anyone's brains.

It's your favourite Champagne.

I cut up the credit card you gave me.

From now on, I'm paying my own way.

Starting with this.

Sorry, mate, can you give us a minute?

Of course.

You know I'm not good with words,

but I reckon actions speak louder, so here goes...

I know it's cheap, but it's all I can afford right now.

But I want you to know that I love you

and I'll do everything I can to make you happy.

Will you marry me?

Yes!

APPLAUSE

I had this whole speech prepared...

..about how I've never loved anyone like I loved you...

..but they're all just words.

I'm really sorry if I let you down, Karen,

and I've tried everything I could to be your husband.

I've taken knock after knock.

I can't take it any more.

So I've decided to take the job in Leamington Spa.

When do you start?

Next week.

Well?

Well, I think that you're probably right that it's...

..best for the both of us.

OK.

DOOR OPENS

Same at school, only it was tripping over tackles then.

Same sense of humour, hey, Gene?

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah! He's not going to Siberia!

-Can I help?

-I want to see Kevin.

-And you are?

-Gene. His mate.

There's a reason people say it takes time.

Come on then! Come on then!