That's Amore Doctors


That's Amore

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If we don't make a decision soon,

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we'll never going to get a reservation.

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I know, I know. How about "Mmm."

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-Mmm?

-That's what it's called, "Mmm."

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Oh, no, it's got the word "eatery" in the title.

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I hate that word.

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I mean, you wouldn't call a hotel a sleepery, would you?

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Hey, if it's good grub you're after,

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an ex-army friend of mine runs a restaurant.

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If you value your friendship,

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-I'd keep us well away from his restaurant.

-Why's that, then?

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Because we're going to write the most appalling review.

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Brilliant, but appalling.

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Again, why?

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Because no-one wants to read a good review.

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Anyway, just to be on the safe side, what's it called?

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It's called Grayze'

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You see he's called Gray...

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-and people graze.

-Ah(!)

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Yes... No, no, no... We get it.

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Do they serve grass?

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Today's finest mowings!

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THEY LAUGH

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Maybe we should go there.

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Oh, Gaffer, this is for you.

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When did this arrive?

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I don't know. This morning, I suppose.

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Why didn't anybody tell me?!

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Oh, don't tell me you're nervous.

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Of course I am, I haven't been on a blind date since... Well, never.

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-What?

-He is a nice guy, isn't he?

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No, no, he's a psychopath. Oh, relax, Vish is lovely.

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In fact, I'd go for him myself if I batted for your side.

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Or is it the other side?

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The same side. If you're straight.

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-Are you sure?

-Can we talk about me, please?

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I couldn't decide what to wear this morning,

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so I brought a bunch of stuff with me.

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Ooh! Stuff, stuff? Take me to the stuff.

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It's in my consulting room.

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-Well, what are we stood here for? Go, go, go, go, go!

-Stuff?

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Erm, I think this is a girls-only kind of thing, Al.

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Whatever. Like I'm interested

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in what Jas is going to wear to her blind date.

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Ta-da!

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Oh...

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I'm not being funny, but why even bother changing?

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What do you mean? Because it's...

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I don't know. OK.

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How about...this one?

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Seriously, was there like a two-for-one on or something?

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This is completely different. Look at the material, the pockets...

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Come on! Show him a bit of leg, a bit of boobage.

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He's not a boob man, is he?

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Yeah! Of course he is, he's a bloke.

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OK, I do have this one other thing, but it's not very me.

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Why, is it charcoal instead of black?

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Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

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Managed to find a decent enough restaurant to ruin the reputation of?

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-We certainly have. It's called... Au Jus.

-Oh Zhoo?

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It's a posh word for gravy.

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We've decided that anywhere so pretentious

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will have an overpriced menu,

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microscopic morsels piled impossibly high on a bed of puree.

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Nouvelle cuisine, is so passe.

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Well, it's just another word for glorified garnish.

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-Tres droll!

-Have a terrible night.

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Thank you very much. How about this,

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"The only reason to return to Au Jus would be a forgotten umbrella".

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Oh, bravissimo!

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Nice dress!

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It's not too much, is it? For a first date?

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-Are you mad? It is perfect.

-Al?

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Yeah. Yeah, you look all... You look all right.

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This is stupid, I shouldn't feel so nervous.

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Oh, you'll be fine.

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Just have a glass of wine when you get there. Come on.

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-Have a nice weekend.

-Bye!

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Well, that's everyone else's weekend planned. What you got lined up?

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A date with a pizza, a bottle of beer and a DVD.

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Ah, so that's what this is. May I?

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Fill your boots!

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Shut up! Game of Thrones: Season Two.

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Yes, I've seen Season One. It's genius.

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It's incredible. There's this new character called Brienne,

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this beautiful blonde girl in a suit of armour and a massive sword.

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She will destroy you!

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Oh, my word. You know, the trick is to eat first.

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That way you don't miss a frame.

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I had no idea you were such a massive nerd!

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What's nerdy about women with swords?

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HE SNORTS

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What?

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CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

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Lovely!

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Good evening. Table for two, Chase-Torrent.

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Certainly, right this way.

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Thank you.

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Have a lovely evening.

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-Thank you.

-Thank you.

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Good evening, and welcome to Au Jus.

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I'm Frederick, I'll be your waiter for the night.

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Now, our specials are duck confit with dauphinoise potatoes

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and French green beans, and our fish of the day is seared halibut

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with caper beurre blanc and crushed Jersey Royals.

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The wine list is at the back. Shall I give you a moment to decide?

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Yes, thank you, that would be nice.

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Staff friendly but not overbearing.

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Decor sumptuous and tasteful.

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Intimate lighting.

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Superb music.

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What have we done?

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-Vish?

-Jas? Hi!

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Wow.

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I'm so glad you're here.

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I always expect to be stood up for these things.

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Do this a lot then?

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Oh, no, no, just once or twice.

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Oh, I'm sorry, this is my second Mai Tai.

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I got here a bit too early and, well, I'm nervous.

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-Me too. So you'd better order me one.

-Sure!

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Yes, I'd like to order pizza for delivery please.

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Yes... 12" La Reine...

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with...pepperoni, mushrooms, olives.

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And that comes with free chicken wings, does it?

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Excellente!

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Actually I was pretty shy at college,

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not the towering wall of self-confidence that I am today.

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And I don't think it was...

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Yeah, it wasn't till my second year

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when I really started to come out of my shell.

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Mandy used to, like, hammer on my door and drag me out to parties.

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-I can see her doing that.

-And what about you?

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I bet you were pretty popular at medical school.

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No, I was too busy hitting the books.

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I mean, I let my hair down occasionally, don't get me wrong,

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but compared to most I was pretty dull.

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Dull? I don't think so.

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So... Are you glad Mandy dragged us both out of our dorm rooms tonight?

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Yeah, I think I am.

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Yes, hello. It's Howard Bellamy here.

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Yes, I ordered a pizza... one hour, three minutes ago.

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Yes, it's not arrived yet.

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Howard Bellamy.

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Bell-a-my. B. B. Bellamy.

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ON-HOLD MUSIC: "That's Amore" by Dean Martin

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Yes. Hello. Oh, he's on his way, is he?

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Yeah, I should think so too.

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DOORBELL RINGS No, I think he's here already.

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-Lorraine?

-The name's Bellamy.

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La Reine pizza?

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Oh, yes, yes.

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-Aren't I supposed to get chicken wings with this?

-I wouldn't know.

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-Excuse me?

-I just deliver. Take it up with the restaurant.

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I've already had to call them once to find out where you'd got to.

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That's £9.99.

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Let's hope it's not cold.

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-Keep the penny.

-Enjoy your meal!

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MUSIC FROM SHOWER SCENE IN PSYCHO

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Oi!

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Wait! Oi!

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Pineapples.

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ON-HOLD MUSIC: "That's Amore" by Dean Martin

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Yes, hello? I've had the wrong pizza delivered to me.

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I ordered a La Reine. A La Reine!

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And I've been given some sort of Hawaiian thing,

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it's covered in pineapples.

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No, I hate pineapples.

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Well, I would like the pizza that I actually ordered.

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And what about the free chicken wings?

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How's the halibut?

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Sensational.

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The duck?

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Do you remember the last time I ordered duck?

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-Yes.

-It's the exact opposite of that.

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SHE SIGHS

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The starters were nothing short of perfection.

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As is the wine. I fear that our first review

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is going to be desperately dull.

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Don't give up. They could still screw up the dessert.

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One lives in hope.

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CAR HORN BLARES

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Oh, it's all right. I'll come to you!

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Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe we should call you a waah-mbulance.

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A what?

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I don't like pineapple chunks. Waah!

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How dare you speak to me like that?!

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Oh, no, are you going to take it out of my tip?

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Here's your La Reine pizza, your lordship.

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Just checking you haven't gobbled half of it.

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We don't give away stuff for free, you know.

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Yes, well, apparently not,

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cos I'm still waiting for my free chicken wings!

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ON-HOLD MUSIC: "That's Amore" by Dean Martin

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Yes, I'd like to make a complaint please.

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About one of your pizza delivery men.

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-HE SLURS:

-They put too much ice in these things, don't you think?

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I mean, you're looking at eight or nine quid for basically a slushie.

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Maybe we should move to a table.

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I think you might need to eat something.

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I think you need to drink something.

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What's with the mineral water?

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I told you, I'm driving.

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So take a taxi!

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You think I'm drunk, don't you?

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A little bit.

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That's why you want to order food.

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That is so sweet, looking after me.

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Just like...

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Sarah used to.

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Mandy said something about a recent break-up.

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Three months ago.

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HE CRIES

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Thanks.

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KNOCK AT THE DOOR

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Unbelievable.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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I've just been fired because of you!

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Oh, maybe I should call you a waah-mbulance.

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Make you feel good, does it? To step on one of the little people?

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To have me begging for scraps at the dole office?

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You deserved to lose your job.

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You're the worst pizza delivery guy...period!

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HE SOBS

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You're right. I'm terrible at this job.

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I'm terrible at everything.

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Stop it.

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Stop it!

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Pull yourself together, man. And clear off!

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I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed.

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Don't be.

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It's just...I miss her so much.

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It's like... It's like a death. Only she's still alive, you know?

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It's perfectly normal for you to feel this way.

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You obviously loved her a great deal.

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But you will get there.

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You just need to give yourself a bit of time to get over her.

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-You're great.

-What do you think you're doing?

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Vish?

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Vish, stop messing about. Vish?

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It's all right, I'm a doctor. He's not dead or anything.

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Can you give us a hand, please?

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PIZZA MAN CRIES OUTSIDE

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Give me strength.

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-You've ruined my life!

-Pull yourself together, man!

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Evening.

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Get up.

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-You'd better come inside before somebody calls the police.

-Really?

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Yes, come on then!

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-Thank you.

-Stop snivelling!

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No, you're fine.

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I tried to kiss you.

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Yeah.

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I'm so sorry.

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-It's OK.

-No, it's not.

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I don't know what you must think of me.

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I don't... I don't usually drink that much.

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It's just these last few months have been rough, that's all.

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I understand.

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I so wanted to make a good impression tonight.

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Instead I've just made a complete fool of myself.

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Can you forgive me?

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Of course I can.

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But you're clearly not ready to be dating yet.

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I think we should call it a night.

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No, let me at least buy you dinner.

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Say yes. Give me a chance to redeem myself.

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So you lost your job.

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Not your best day, I grant you,

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but it can't be as bad as that.

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I just turned 30.

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Congratulations.

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I'm 30 and I've never had a girlfriend.

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So, you're free and independent.

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I still live with my parents.

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Well... Well, I'm sure they love you very much.

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In fact, why don't we give them a call,

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get them to come and pick you up?

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They hate me.

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I was rubbish at school.

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Never any good at sport, or anything else for that matter.

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And I was bullied for the way I looked.

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On top of that, I've hated every single job I've ever had...

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and I keep getting fired.

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Well, I'm sure you've got something worthwhile in your life.

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Something you enjoy.

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Come on, be quick, my pizza's getting cold.

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Thanks for staying and having dinner with me.

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No problem.

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It shows you're a really caring person.

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Caring and beautiful. And intelligent.

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Thank you. How's your burger?

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Do compliments make you feel uncomfortable?

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No.

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Good, cos you better get used to them.

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A woman as amazing as you

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deserves to be told just how special you are.

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Well, you've told me now, so...

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If you were mine,

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I'd make you feel special every day.

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Look, Vish, I thought we agreed you're not really ready for this.

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I know. But I really like you.

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And I think you like me,

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otherwise you wouldn't have stayed.

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Well, of course I like you.

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But I just prefer to take things slower.

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We've only just met. It takes time to get to know a person.

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Then tell me everything about Jas.

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From the beginning. Don't leave anything out.

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Are you having that?

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It's funny, here you are, talking about the "what ifs" of parenthood,

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and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't done the same.

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You mean, what if you'd never had Chris?

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Look, I can't imagine life without him, I wouldn't want to.

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But...when I was younger,

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I would have looked at somebody in your position with envy,

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not having to cope with it all.

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You have your regrets about not being a parent, Heston, and...

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I have mine about being a bad one.

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I think anyone who's raised a young man as fine as Chris

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can't be a bad mother.

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Well, we're closer now than we've ever been,

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and I'm grateful for that.

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Maybe I can make up for lost time.

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Creme brulee for madame.

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And tarte aux pommes for monsieur.

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Thank you.

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And your Sauternes.

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Aah, Chateau d'Yquem. Excellent.

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-Where's he going with that?

-Hmm?

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That's odd.

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All right?

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Probably the worst pizza I've ever tasted.

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I know.

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The chef would use spray-on cheese

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if he thought he could get away with it.

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You're lucky you didn't get your free chicken wings.

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Fancy an omelette?

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I haven't a clue what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

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Whenever I try and picture the future,

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all I see is this big fat nothing.

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Look, I know you've reached the ripe old age of 30,

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but you've got years ahead of you to sort it out.

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I'll do that.

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So you've got no sense of direction at the moment,

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but opportunities come along when you least expect them.

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Sooner or later you'll find something that you're good at.

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Me? I doubt it.

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Excuse me, can we have the bill, please?

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So, what about tomorrow night?

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You can come to my place, I am a great cook.

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Erm... This weekend's not good.

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Then let's make the most of tonight.

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How about we go dancing?

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No.

0:20:480:20:50

No, no, you're right. Let's go back to your place.

0:20:500:20:55

Vish, that's not going to happen.

0:20:550:20:56

Well...at least can I drive you home?

0:20:580:21:01

You shouldn't be driving. And anyway, I told you, I've got a car.

0:21:010:21:04

-Then maybe you should drive me home.

-SHE LAUGHS

0:21:050:21:10

I'm sure you can get a taxi.

0:21:100:21:11

Anyway, Vish...

0:21:140:21:17

thanks...

0:21:170:21:19

for this evening.

0:21:190:21:21

Wait...

0:21:210:21:23

Let me walk you to your car.

0:21:250:21:26

Bill?

0:21:310:21:33

SHE LAUGHS

0:21:350:21:37

SHE SIGHS

0:21:370:21:38

Enjoy your Sauternes.

0:21:420:21:43

Why on earth has he put it in a carafe?

0:21:470:21:49

Oh, everybody's doing it these days. It's tres trendy.

0:21:490:21:51

Well, it's completely unnecessary.

0:21:510:21:53

When I order a wine, I like to see it on the table,

0:21:530:21:55

not have it decanted in some dark back room.

0:21:550:21:59

I'm sure it'll taste just as good.

0:21:590:22:00

-Well, it better, at this price.

-Oh, hush.

0:22:000:22:03

-Here's to a perfectly infuriating evening.

-No!

0:22:030:22:06

-They couldn't have...

-What's the matter?

0:22:110:22:13

-Unmistakeable.

-What is?

0:22:130:22:16

The wine I ordered was Chateau d'Yquem.

0:22:160:22:18

He has switched it for an inferior wine.

0:22:180:22:21

No. Are you sure?

0:22:210:22:23

It's perfectly palatable,

0:22:230:22:25

it comes from Monbazillac, a neighbouring region,

0:22:250:22:27

but this is a cheaper wine.

0:22:270:22:28

You know what this means, Emma?

0:22:280:22:30

We've been cheated.

0:22:300:22:33

-SHE GASPS

-Mon Dieu!

0:22:330:22:36

What every young man needs is structure and discipline.

0:22:430:22:46

Have you ever considered a career in the army?

0:22:460:22:49

I'd end up in military prison.

0:22:490:22:51

Yes, that's probably true.

0:22:510:22:54

Right, bon appetit.

0:22:540:22:56

What about yourself?

0:22:560:22:58

-I'm not hungry. Pepper?

-Yeah. Sure.

0:22:580:23:01

How'd you get it so light?

0:23:110:23:13

That's remarkable. I never thought eggs could taste like this.

0:23:140:23:18

Are you winding me up?

0:23:180:23:20

I mean, anyone can make an omelette.

0:23:200:23:22

Well, actually, that's not true. It's very difficult to make a good one.

0:23:220:23:27

In fact, they say this is the best way you can test a chef's skills.

0:23:270:23:31

Do you see what I'm getting at here, Dave?

0:23:320:23:35

You have a viable talent underneath your own nose

0:23:350:23:37

and you don't even know it.

0:23:370:23:38

-Talent?!

-A chef.

0:23:380:23:40

You could be a world-class chef,

0:23:400:23:42

if you got off your backside and applied yourself.

0:23:420:23:44

-What? Do you really think so?

-Yes, I do.

0:23:440:23:47

OK, good night then.

0:23:560:23:59

Good night.

0:23:590:24:01

Make sure you get home sa...

0:24:010:24:03

What are you doing?!

0:24:030:24:05

I thought it'd be romantic.

0:24:060:24:08

Well, it wasn't, so cut it out!

0:24:080:24:10

Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

0:24:100:24:14

Look, you're obviously not a bad guy,

0:24:160:24:18

you've just got...issues you need to work through.

0:24:180:24:21

But, in the meantime...

0:24:210:24:24

don't kiss anyone unless they kiss you first.

0:24:240:24:28

Goodbye, Vish.

0:24:280:24:30

It doesn't have to be goodbye, does it?

0:24:300:24:34

Look... I'm not normally like this!

0:24:340:24:38

It must be the antidepressants.

0:24:380:24:39

Get off my car!

0:24:390:24:41

We could be so good together.

0:24:410:24:43

Last chance, Vish.

0:24:430:24:45

Don't go. Please.

0:24:450:24:47

I'm sorry I ruined your evening.

0:24:560:24:58

Well, I'm sorry I got you the sack.

0:24:580:25:00

-I probably deserved it.

-Yes, you definitely deserved that.

0:25:000:25:04

I tell you what,

0:25:060:25:07

I've got a friend of mine in the restaurant business.

0:25:070:25:10

Why don't you give him a call, see if he's got any vacancies.

0:25:100:25:13

Thanks.

0:25:130:25:15

Mention my name, Captain Bellamy.

0:25:150:25:17

His name's Mr Gray, with an A,

0:25:170:25:19

and the place is called Grayze, with a Z-E.

0:25:190:25:23

Oh, cos... Cos people graze!

0:25:230:25:27

Good one. I'll let myself out.

0:25:270:25:29

Wrong door!

0:25:320:25:33

-Good luck!

-Ta-ra!

0:25:330:25:35

HE SIGHS

0:25:430:25:44

GAME OF THRONES THEME PLAYS

0:25:470:25:51

ELECTRIC CRACKLE

0:26:020:26:04

HE LAUGHS

0:26:110:26:15

-This is outrageous!

-Sir, there must be some mistake.

0:26:150:26:17

We... We would never try to cheat a customer.

0:26:170:26:20

-Are you calling him a liar?

-Not at all, madame.

0:26:200:26:22

If there was a mix up with the wines we can only apologise.

0:26:220:26:26

So you admit it? You switched the wines.

0:26:260:26:29

We may have opened the wrong bottle. You won't be charged for it.

0:26:290:26:33

And you can have a complimentary drink, anything you want,

0:26:330:26:36

Cognac perhaps?

0:26:360:26:37

A bribe won't help you now. The bill, please. We're leaving.

0:26:370:26:41

Again, we are very sorry.

0:26:410:26:43

Oh, you will be, you can be sure of that.

0:26:430:26:45

-I don't understand.

-You will soon enough.

0:26:450:26:48

Sharpen your wit and your pencil, my dear.

0:26:500:26:52

We're going to have some fun.

0:26:520:26:55

-"A cavalcade of incompetence!"

-THEY LAUGH

0:26:550:26:58

Who would pay £75 to be covered in mud?

0:27:030:27:06

I could do that for you in my back garden for nothing.

0:27:060:27:09

How are your bruises? Still sore?

0:27:090:27:12

They're fine.

0:27:120:27:14

My son. He's gay.

0:27:140:27:16

I've tried everything to get him to open up.

0:27:160:27:19

Coming out can be very difficult. Especially to your mother.

0:27:190:27:21

It was hard for you, was it?

0:27:210:27:23

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