That's Amore Doctors

If we don't make a decision soon,

we'll never going to get a reservation.

I know, I know. How about "Mmm."

-Mmm?

-That's what it's called, "Mmm."

Oh, no, it's got the word "eatery" in the title.

I hate that word.

I mean, you wouldn't call a hotel a sleepery, would you?

Hey, if it's good grub you're after,

an ex-army friend of mine runs a restaurant.

If you value your friendship,

-I'd keep us well away from his restaurant.

-Why's that, then?

Because we're going to write the most appalling review.

Brilliant, but appalling.

Again, why?

Because no-one wants to read a good review.

Anyway, just to be on the safe side, what's it called?

It's called Grayze'

You see he's called Gray...

-and people graze.

-Ah(!)

Yes... No, no, no... We get it.

Do they serve grass?

Today's finest mowings!

THEY LAUGH

Maybe we should go there.

Oh, Gaffer, this is for you.

When did this arrive?

I don't know. This morning, I suppose.

Why didn't anybody tell me?!

Oh, don't tell me you're nervous.

Of course I am, I haven't been on a blind date since... Well, never.

-What?

-He is a nice guy, isn't he?

No, no, he's a psychopath. Oh, relax, Vish is lovely.

In fact, I'd go for him myself if I batted for your side.

Or is it the other side?

The same side. If you're straight.

-Are you sure?

-Can we talk about me, please?

I couldn't decide what to wear this morning,

so I brought a bunch of stuff with me.

Ooh! Stuff, stuff? Take me to the stuff.

It's in my consulting room.

-Well, what are we stood here for? Go, go, go, go, go!

-Stuff?

Erm, I think this is a girls-only kind of thing, Al.

Whatever. Like I'm interested

in what Jas is going to wear to her blind date.

Ta-da!

Oh...

I'm not being funny, but why even bother changing?

What do you mean? Because it's...

I don't know. OK.

How about...this one?

Seriously, was there like a two-for-one on or something?

This is completely different. Look at the material, the pockets...

Come on! Show him a bit of leg, a bit of boobage.

He's not a boob man, is he?

Yeah! Of course he is, he's a bloke.

OK, I do have this one other thing, but it's not very me.

Why, is it charcoal instead of black?

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

Managed to find a decent enough restaurant to ruin the reputation of?

-We certainly have. It's called... Au Jus.

-Oh Zhoo?

It's a posh word for gravy.

We've decided that anywhere so pretentious

will have an overpriced menu,

microscopic morsels piled impossibly high on a bed of puree.

Nouvelle cuisine, is so passe.

Well, it's just another word for glorified garnish.

-Tres droll!

-Have a terrible night.

Thank you very much. How about this,

"The only reason to return to Au Jus would be a forgotten umbrella".

Oh, bravissimo!

Nice dress!

It's not too much, is it? For a first date?

-Are you mad? It is perfect.

-Al?

Yeah. Yeah, you look all... You look all right.

This is stupid, I shouldn't feel so nervous.

Oh, you'll be fine.

Just have a glass of wine when you get there. Come on.

-Have a nice weekend.

-Bye!

Well, that's everyone else's weekend planned. What you got lined up?

A date with a pizza, a bottle of beer and a DVD.

Ah, so that's what this is. May I?

Fill your boots!

Shut up! Game of Thrones: Season Two.

Yes, I've seen Season One. It's genius.

It's incredible. There's this new character called Brienne,

this beautiful blonde girl in a suit of armour and a massive sword.

She will destroy you!

Oh, my word. You know, the trick is to eat first.

That way you don't miss a frame.

I had no idea you were such a massive nerd!

What's nerdy about women with swords?

HE SNORTS

What?

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Lovely!

Good evening. Table for two, Chase-Torrent.

Certainly, right this way.

Thank you.

Have a lovely evening.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Good evening, and welcome to Au Jus.

I'm Frederick, I'll be your waiter for the night.

Now, our specials are duck confit with dauphinoise potatoes

and French green beans, and our fish of the day is seared halibut

with caper beurre blanc and crushed Jersey Royals.

The wine list is at the back. Shall I give you a moment to decide?

Yes, thank you, that would be nice.

Staff friendly but not overbearing.

Decor sumptuous and tasteful.

Intimate lighting.

Superb music.

What have we done?

-Vish?

-Jas? Hi!

Wow.

I'm so glad you're here.

I always expect to be stood up for these things.

Do this a lot then?

Oh, no, no, just once or twice.

Oh, I'm sorry, this is my second Mai Tai.

I got here a bit too early and, well, I'm nervous.

-Me too. So you'd better order me one.

-Sure!

Yes, I'd like to order pizza for delivery please.

Yes... 12" La Reine...

with...pepperoni, mushrooms, olives.

And that comes with free chicken wings, does it?

Excellente!

Actually I was pretty shy at college,

not the towering wall of self-confidence that I am today.

And I don't think it was...

Yeah, it wasn't till my second year

when I really started to come out of my shell.

Mandy used to, like, hammer on my door and drag me out to parties.

-I can see her doing that.

-And what about you?

I bet you were pretty popular at medical school.

No, I was too busy hitting the books.

I mean, I let my hair down occasionally, don't get me wrong,

but compared to most I was pretty dull.

Dull? I don't think so.

So... Are you glad Mandy dragged us both out of our dorm rooms tonight?

Yeah, I think I am.

Yes, hello. It's Howard Bellamy here.

Yes, I ordered a pizza... one hour, three minutes ago.

Yes, it's not arrived yet.

Howard Bellamy.

Bell-a-my. B. B. Bellamy.

ON-HOLD MUSIC: "That's Amore" by Dean Martin

Yes. Hello. Oh, he's on his way, is he?

Yeah, I should think so too.

DOORBELL RINGS No, I think he's here already.

-Lorraine?

-The name's Bellamy.

La Reine pizza?

Oh, yes, yes.

-Aren't I supposed to get chicken wings with this?

-I wouldn't know.

-Excuse me?

-I just deliver. Take it up with the restaurant.

I've already had to call them once to find out where you'd got to.

That's £9.99.

Let's hope it's not cold.

-Keep the penny.

-Enjoy your meal!

MUSIC FROM SHOWER SCENE IN PSYCHO

Oi!

Wait! Oi!

Pineapples.

ON-HOLD MUSIC: "That's Amore" by Dean Martin

Yes, hello? I've had the wrong pizza delivered to me.

I ordered a La Reine. A La Reine!

And I've been given some sort of Hawaiian thing,

it's covered in pineapples.

No, I hate pineapples.

Well, I would like the pizza that I actually ordered.

And what about the free chicken wings?

How's the halibut?

Sensational.

The duck?

Do you remember the last time I ordered duck?

-Yes.

-It's the exact opposite of that.

SHE SIGHS

The starters were nothing short of perfection.

As is the wine. I fear that our first review

is going to be desperately dull.

Don't give up. They could still screw up the dessert.

One lives in hope.

CAR HORN BLARES

Oh, it's all right. I'll come to you!

Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe we should call you a waah-mbulance.

A what?

I don't like pineapple chunks. Waah!

How dare you speak to me like that?!

Oh, no, are you going to take it out of my tip?

Here's your La Reine pizza, your lordship.

Just checking you haven't gobbled half of it.

We don't give away stuff for free, you know.

Yes, well, apparently not,

cos I'm still waiting for my free chicken wings!

ON-HOLD MUSIC: "That's Amore" by Dean Martin

Yes, I'd like to make a complaint please.

About one of your pizza delivery men.

-HE SLURS:

-They put too much ice in these things, don't you think?

I mean, you're looking at eight or nine quid for basically a slushie.

Maybe we should move to a table.

I think you might need to eat something.

I think you need to drink something.

What's with the mineral water?

I told you, I'm driving.

So take a taxi!

You think I'm drunk, don't you?

A little bit.

That's why you want to order food.

That is so sweet, looking after me.

Just like...

Sarah used to.

Mandy said something about a recent break-up.

Three months ago.

HE CRIES

Thanks.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Unbelievable.

DOORBELL RINGS

I've just been fired because of you!

Oh, maybe I should call you a waah-mbulance.

Make you feel good, does it? To step on one of the little people?

To have me begging for scraps at the dole office?

You deserved to lose your job.

You're the worst pizza delivery guy...period!

HE SOBS

You're right. I'm terrible at this job.

I'm terrible at everything.

Stop it.

Stop it!

Pull yourself together, man. And clear off!

I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be.

It's just...I miss her so much.

It's like... It's like a death. Only she's still alive, you know?

It's perfectly normal for you to feel this way.

You obviously loved her a great deal.

But you will get there.

You just need to give yourself a bit of time to get over her.

-You're great.

-What do you think you're doing?

Vish?

Vish, stop messing about. Vish?

It's all right, I'm a doctor. He's not dead or anything.

Can you give us a hand, please?

PIZZA MAN CRIES OUTSIDE

Give me strength.

-You've ruined my life!

-Pull yourself together, man!

Evening.

Get up.

-You'd better come inside before somebody calls the police.

-Really?

Yes, come on then!

-Thank you.

-Stop snivelling!

No, you're fine.

I tried to kiss you.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

-It's OK.

-No, it's not.

I don't know what you must think of me.

I don't... I don't usually drink that much.

It's just these last few months have been rough, that's all.

I understand.

I so wanted to make a good impression tonight.

Instead I've just made a complete fool of myself.

Can you forgive me?

Of course I can.

But you're clearly not ready to be dating yet.

I think we should call it a night.

No, let me at least buy you dinner.

Say yes. Give me a chance to redeem myself.

So you lost your job.

Not your best day, I grant you,

but it can't be as bad as that.

I just turned 30.

Congratulations.

I'm 30 and I've never had a girlfriend.

So, you're free and independent.

I still live with my parents.

Well... Well, I'm sure they love you very much.

In fact, why don't we give them a call,

get them to come and pick you up?

They hate me.

I was rubbish at school.

Never any good at sport, or anything else for that matter.

And I was bullied for the way I looked.

On top of that, I've hated every single job I've ever had...

and I keep getting fired.

Well, I'm sure you've got something worthwhile in your life.

Something you enjoy.

Come on, be quick, my pizza's getting cold.

Thanks for staying and having dinner with me.

No problem.

It shows you're a really caring person.

Caring and beautiful. And intelligent.

Thank you. How's your burger?

Do compliments make you feel uncomfortable?

No.

Good, cos you better get used to them.

A woman as amazing as you

deserves to be told just how special you are.

Well, you've told me now, so...

If you were mine,

I'd make you feel special every day.

Look, Vish, I thought we agreed you're not really ready for this.

I know. But I really like you.

And I think you like me,

otherwise you wouldn't have stayed.

Well, of course I like you.

But I just prefer to take things slower.

We've only just met. It takes time to get to know a person.

Then tell me everything about Jas.

From the beginning. Don't leave anything out.

Are you having that?

It's funny, here you are, talking about the "what ifs" of parenthood,

and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't done the same.

You mean, what if you'd never had Chris?

Look, I can't imagine life without him, I wouldn't want to.

But...when I was younger,

I would have looked at somebody in your position with envy,

not having to cope with it all.

You have your regrets about not being a parent, Heston, and...

I have mine about being a bad one.

I think anyone who's raised a young man as fine as Chris

can't be a bad mother.

Well, we're closer now than we've ever been,

and I'm grateful for that.

Maybe I can make up for lost time.

Creme brulee for madame.

And tarte aux pommes for monsieur.

Thank you.

And your Sauternes.

Aah, Chateau d'Yquem. Excellent.

-Where's he going with that?

-Hmm?

That's odd.

All right?

Probably the worst pizza I've ever tasted.

I know.

The chef would use spray-on cheese

if he thought he could get away with it.

You're lucky you didn't get your free chicken wings.

Fancy an omelette?

I haven't a clue what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

Whenever I try and picture the future,

all I see is this big fat nothing.

Look, I know you've reached the ripe old age of 30,

but you've got years ahead of you to sort it out.

I'll do that.

So you've got no sense of direction at the moment,

but opportunities come along when you least expect them.

Sooner or later you'll find something that you're good at.

Me? I doubt it.

Excuse me, can we have the bill, please?

So, what about tomorrow night?

You can come to my place, I am a great cook.

Erm... This weekend's not good.

Then let's make the most of tonight.

How about we go dancing?

No.

No, no, you're right. Let's go back to your place.

Vish, that's not going to happen.

Well...at least can I drive you home?

You shouldn't be driving. And anyway, I told you, I've got a car.

-Then maybe you should drive me home.

-SHE LAUGHS

I'm sure you can get a taxi.

Anyway, Vish...

thanks...

for this evening.

Wait...

Let me walk you to your car.

Bill?

SHE LAUGHS

SHE SIGHS

Enjoy your Sauternes.

Why on earth has he put it in a carafe?

Oh, everybody's doing it these days. It's tres trendy.

Well, it's completely unnecessary.

When I order a wine, I like to see it on the table,

not have it decanted in some dark back room.

I'm sure it'll taste just as good.

-Well, it better, at this price.

-Oh, hush.

-Here's to a perfectly infuriating evening.

-No!

-They couldn't have...

-What's the matter?

-Unmistakeable.

-What is?

The wine I ordered was Chateau d'Yquem.

He has switched it for an inferior wine.

No. Are you sure?

It's perfectly palatable,

it comes from Monbazillac, a neighbouring region,

but this is a cheaper wine.

You know what this means, Emma?

We've been cheated.

-SHE GASPS

-Mon Dieu!

What every young man needs is structure and discipline.

Have you ever considered a career in the army?

I'd end up in military prison.

Yes, that's probably true.

Right, bon appetit.

What about yourself?

-I'm not hungry. Pepper?

-Yeah. Sure.

How'd you get it so light?

That's remarkable. I never thought eggs could taste like this.

Are you winding me up?

I mean, anyone can make an omelette.

Well, actually, that's not true. It's very difficult to make a good one.

In fact, they say this is the best way you can test a chef's skills.

Do you see what I'm getting at here, Dave?

You have a viable talent underneath your own nose

and you don't even know it.

-Talent?!

-A chef.

You could be a world-class chef,

if you got off your backside and applied yourself.

-What? Do you really think so?

-Yes, I do.

OK, good night then.

Good night.

Make sure you get home sa...

What are you doing?!

I thought it'd be romantic.

Well, it wasn't, so cut it out!

Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

Look, you're obviously not a bad guy,

you've just got...issues you need to work through.

But, in the meantime...

don't kiss anyone unless they kiss you first.

Goodbye, Vish.

It doesn't have to be goodbye, does it?

Look... I'm not normally like this!

It must be the antidepressants.

Get off my car!

We could be so good together.

Last chance, Vish.

Don't go. Please.

I'm sorry I ruined your evening.

Well, I'm sorry I got you the sack.

-I probably deserved it.

-Yes, you definitely deserved that.

I tell you what,

I've got a friend of mine in the restaurant business.

Why don't you give him a call, see if he's got any vacancies.

Thanks.

Mention my name, Captain Bellamy.

His name's Mr Gray, with an A,

and the place is called Grayze, with a Z-E.

Oh, cos... Cos people graze!

Good one. I'll let myself out.

Wrong door!

-Good luck!

-Ta-ra!

HE SIGHS

GAME OF THRONES THEME PLAYS

ELECTRIC CRACKLE

HE LAUGHS

-This is outrageous!

-Sir, there must be some mistake.

We... We would never try to cheat a customer.

-Are you calling him a liar?

-Not at all, madame.

If there was a mix up with the wines we can only apologise.

So you admit it? You switched the wines.

We may have opened the wrong bottle. You won't be charged for it.

And you can have a complimentary drink, anything you want,

Cognac perhaps?

A bribe won't help you now. The bill, please. We're leaving.

Again, we are very sorry.

Oh, you will be, you can be sure of that.

-I don't understand.

-You will soon enough.

Sharpen your wit and your pencil, my dear.

We're going to have some fun.

-"A cavalcade of incompetence!"

-THEY LAUGH

Who would pay £75 to be covered in mud?

I could do that for you in my back garden for nothing.

How are your bruises? Still sore?

They're fine.

My son. He's gay.

I've tried everything to get him to open up.

Coming out can be very difficult. Especially to your mother.

It was hard for you, was it?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd