Whose Closet is it Anyway Doctors

Thank you.

RINGING TONE

Who would pay £75 to be covered in mud?

I...I could do that for you in my back garden for nothing.

It's not that kind of mud.

Are you sure Dr Carmichael will like this?

"A full body massage with erotic oils."

What? "EXOTIC oils."

Well, I am not sure you should be sending your wife to

a place like this.

No-one there. We're not married.

I am painfully aware of that unfortunate fact but just because

you are living in sin, it does not mean you should expose your wife...

-Partner.

-..to this sort of thing.

It's not a knocking shop, you know.

I am aware what goes on in those "massage parlours".

It's a health spa.

And if Zara rings, not a word, OK? It's a surprise.

£75!

Where did you go last night?

I didn't hear you come in.

How are your bruises? Still sore?

They're fine.

I wish you'd see someone.

Yeah, I know. You've said.

-Please?

-Stop telling me what to do.

-DOOR CLOSES

It's 8.30, Gwyneth. You're supposed to be on reception.

-Sorry.

-You're on a final warning. Don't forget.

Any better?

Not really. Water helps.

Jas! How did it go?

What were you thinking? Are you out of your mind?

You and Vish didn't get on?

He's a raving lunatic. Or hadn't you noticed?

Oh, I thought you two would be perfect for each other.

Perfect?

Your reviewers have seldom experienced such

an over-the-top effrontery...

Not sure.

World-class cheek?

Better.

Erm...a new low in the history of Western cuisine.

-Excellent.

-Sounds terrible.

It was gloriously awful. The perfect night.

The colonically irrigated clientele

were too gorged on their bank bonuses

to notice that the maitre d' was a fraud.

-Touche.

-What does that mean?

They were pretentious.

Cack-handed and brazen-faced management?

Not quite.

I can't believe I was so wrong about him.

Is that why you never answered any of my messages?

My phone's dead. I've lost my charger.

What is it with you and phones?

I didn't lose my phone. I lost my charger.

You can use mine.

-Will it work?

-Give it here.

I had no idea Vish was such a nut case.

I haven't even told you the half of it.

All right.

Hi there. I'm looking for some treatments for...

You are so hot.

Sorry?

The moment you walked through that door I thought, "I could eat him."

-Gwyneth.

-Hi. Daniel.

I know you from somewhere.

No. I don't think so.

Like I say, I'm looking for some treatments for my partner.

Oh. Why are all the good-looking men gay?

-Er, I'm not.

-But you said you had a partner.

Yeah. She's a woman.

-Naughty Cherubs!

-What?

Gay club on Oaklands? That's where I've seen you.

No, it isn't.

No. Bit seedy for you?

Too many daddies and bears, not enough twinks and jocks.

Mind you, nothing wrong with a bit of rough, is there?

I bet you've seen some action.

Yeah, so... Getting back to the treatments...

Tell you what, why don't I give you the guided tour?

I'm not really supposed to but, for a gorgeous man like you, why not?

OK. Well, if it's not too much trouble.

My pleasure. Hopefully yours, too.

He actually lunged at you?

Twice. And threw himself on my car.

Why?

So he could moan about his medication and tell me

how perfect we could be.

He had his fingers wrapped round the wipers.

What did you do?

Screen wash. Right between the eyes.

-No!

-You have a lot to answer for.

Sorry.

I will forgive you, on one condition -

you promise never, ever to set me up again.

Really?

Cos I know this guy - he's just broken up with his girl...

Only kidding.

SHE LAUGHS

There's the organic seaweed massage. Bit smelly but totally relaxing.

Volcanic stone massage? That is lovely, that is.

You know what? I was thinking about something a little less...

Balinese cocoa butter full body massage. Your wife will love that.

Although strictly speaking, it's more of a sensual journey than a massage.

We're not married.

Does that mean it's not serious?

No. It's very serious. We have a son.

Ah. So do I.

I was married just long enough to get pregnant.

Big mistake.

You definitely don't want to be a single mother.

Think I'm safe on that one.

Does she like mud? Your wife?

Partner.

I've got the perfect treat for her.

-Over-priced stab at understated tastefulness?

-Very good.

The service was so appalling and so profoundly offensive,

it would have done justice to Vlad the Impaler.

-Who?

-Dracula.

Then why don't you just say Dracula?

No-one is going to understand what you're saying. And it doesn't make any sense.

If people don't understand my references they shouldn't read my reviews.

We need a punchier line about the wine.

"A sickly grapefruit-run-over-by-a-lawnmower

"concoction masquerading as a Chateau de Baudin."

Delicious.

Why are you wasting your time with this?

It's just an excuse to be bitchy about people.

People who tried to cheat us.

Oh, and that makes it all right?

We have been given the chance to strike at the heart of pretence

and flagrant dishonesty.

Now, if it involves a few harsh words, so be it.

If you say so.

Do you not think that that's a little - I don't know - pretentious?

Ignore them.

Water off a duck's back.

A burnt duck's back!

THEY LAUGH

Canard brule!

Medicinal coconut husk and frangipani mud wrap.

-What does that involve?

-Shh. That's him.

My son. He's gay.

He won't admit it, though. Very secretive.

I've tried everything to get him to open up.

Coming out can be very difficult. Especially to your mother.

It was hard for you, was it?

No, no. Not me.

-The thing is, no-one's bothered now.

-Yeah. I'm not gay.

You should see the men he goes with. Horrible, muscle-bound things.

Shaved heads, tattoos.

And the things they do to him....

But I suppose you'd know about all that.

PHONE RINGS

Gwyneth? What are you doing?

Nothing. It's business. He wanted to see the spa.

Well, I hope you're getting everything you need.

Yes. She's been more than helpful. Thank you.

Maybe he's with a patient.

No. He's plotting something - one of his pathetic little surprises.

How do you know?

Because he gets all smug, like a five-year-old with a secret.

Morning. Good news.

-Remember the nursing practice development officer?

-She's cancelled?

She's got a gap in her schedule. She's coming in tomorrow.

-Tomorrow?!

-New rota. You're on HCA.

-Why?

-So she can do a proper competence assessment.

Evaluate your interactions, communication skills,

-key strengths, weaknesses...

-But I'm not ready.

Perfect. She needs to see you au naturel.

You mean in the nude?

I mean, not putting on a show.

Don't worry, no need to panic.

What if she fails me?

She can't do that.

Are you sure?

Deep down we're all bisexual.

It's only conditioning that makes you swing one way or the other.

So, all this is included in the signature treatment package?

Mmm. But people do change their minds.

-Sorry?

-You know, about whether they like men or women.

I see it all the time.

I mean, not here, obviously, but some of the places I've worked...

Have you got something simple, relaxing...?

It could be a phase?

What?

Being gay. My son.

Well, people do like to experiment when they're young.

I suppose he won't know until he's met the right man, or woman.

I wish he'd meet someone like you. You'd be perfect for him.

If I was gay, which I'm not.

Maybe you haven't met the right man.

Yeah, I need to get back to work so perhaps we could crack on?

-Did you want tea?

-I can make it.

I don't mind.

Look Kevin, I'm really sorry about the mix-up.

-You know, me thinking you...?

-That I fancied you? Yeah.

It's fine.

Well, I've thought about what you said and I do need to stop obsessing.

I need to live in the moment, trust my instincts,

stop tying myself up in knots.

All I said was, "Go with the flow."

Right, so...mates?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, actually, I've been meaning to talk to you.

Yeah?

I went over the phone bill and you owe me 8.93.

8.93?

Does that include the 15p I lost down the sofa?

Oh, my God, you're serious.

Yeah.

-But we agreed to split everything 50-50.

-You made more calls on the landline.

I never used the landline. I always use my mobile.

Except when you forget to charge it, or you lose it,

-or you drop it down the toilet.

-That happened ONCE.

Look, I've highlighted the calls I made.

The rest must be yours, so check them against your address book.

I will.

That's where I've seen you. You're the doctor at the campus.

Mmm...a doctor - sexy.

Sorry, but I really do need to get on.

No, but seriously, you are a proper doctor, yes?

-Yes.

-So you could talk to Martin? My son.

About being gay?

Yeah, that and...

He's into auto-asphyxiation.

Sorry?

You know, sexual strangling? Did you see his bruises?

A lot of things can cause bruises.

But not like that. Trust me, I know.

Besides, I found this in his locker.

I don't mind the bondage.

I mean, we've all been tied up one time or another...

But this is dangerous. He could die.

Someone has to warn him.

-I don't think I'm the right person.

-He'd listen to you.

I don't think he would.

You don't have to meet officially.

You could just meet accidentally, in the sauna, maybe?

Right, that's it.

I came in to buy a simple gift and all you have done is talk about sex and sex toys...

-Have I?

-Yes, I'm going somewhere else. Bye-bye.

Why is Howard doing this?

To justify his grossly inflated salary.

He said not to panic. What do you think he's trying to say?

Not to panic.

I've seen what stress can do to people.

There was this bloke where I worked last and it got

-so bad he had to resign.

-You'll be fine.

Yeah, but they said he'd be lucky if he ever worked again.

Karen, You've given me the wrong notes. I need Jane Robertson, not James.

I'm all over the place today.

Better not slip up tomorrow.

-It's the stress.

-Stop worrying.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

Workplace stress can be very serious, Chris. Fatal even...

Fatal?

Well, hypertension, heart disease, cancer -

all sorts of other diseases.

Yeah, that's rare.

Usually it's just psoriasis, irritable bowel syndrome,

immune suppression, that sort of thing.

Thanks.

I thought it would have eased up by now, but it's still stiff.

OK. How did you get the bruises?

Messing about with a mate.

They look nasty. What happened?

He gets carried away sometimes.

He's done it before?

It's how he likes to get his kicks, so to speak.

Well, it doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with your neck. Put your shirt back on.

Yeah. I'm sure it'll be fine in a few days.

I'm really only here cos of my mum.

Your mum?

Yeah. She's been going on at me for days.

After you came to the spa she wouldn't let it go.

She said she was worried.

Did she say anything else?

Oh, yes.

That's my mum. Why use one word when 85 will do?

-Did she tell you I was gay?

-Yeah.

I hate it when she does that.

-I mean, she's obsessed with other people's sex lives.

-I noticed.

Yeah, you want to try living with it.

Endless gruesome details about her private life. And everyone else's.

Getting back to the neck, what exactly did happen?

-You don't want to know.

-Try me.

I mean, it was so stupid,

I mean, no-one else about, wrong place, wrong time.

Completely unsafe. I don't even want to talk about it.

It might help.

What?

If you don't want to talk to me, there are other people -

helplines, that sort of thing...

I have no idea what you're on about.

You need to be aware of the risks.

You never stop worrying about them, do you?

I do not have any children, myself but...

-What are you doing here?

-Martin! I just...

-There's a surprise. You followed me.

-No, I...

-Did you know she was here?

-No.

-You did, didn't you?

That's why you were trying to get me to talk about this.

Unbelievable.

Martin.

-What did he say?

-I can't tell you.

Yes, yes, patient confidentiality, I know that.

-But you can give me a hint.

-You're going to have to speak to him yourself.

It's that bad?

Poor woman.

Poor woman? What about him, having her for a mother?

Well, perhaps that is why he is...well, you know...

She told you he was gay?

Well, there is nothing wrong with it, but it can sometimes cause

problems in families.

That's the least of his worries.

Sorry, mate, Karen gave me your notes for some reason.

What are you doing? Why are you looking through Jas's pictures?

Oh. Something she mentioned earlier.

-What?

-Oh, nothing.

-No. Come on.

She recommended a restaurant.

I wanted to see if she had any photographs.

On her profile page?

Yeah. Is there a problem?

Well, it's just a bit odd, that's all.

No, it's not.

-Why are you being all paranoid, Kevin?

-I'm not.

Well, it's not like I've hacked into her page.

We are friends. It's what social networking is all about.

Chill out, Kevin.

Dr Granger? This is Inez de la Candia from the spa.

We found your credit card if you'd like to collect it.

I do apologise for the inconvenience.

Yeah, don't worry. It's probably me.

I was a bit distracted.

'I'm afraid my receptionist can have that effect on people.'

I hope she wasn't being inappropriate.

Well, a little.

I am so sorry. She has been warned.

If you ring when you're on your way,

I'll make sure she's not on the desk.

OK, that's kind. Thank you.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

How's your lunch?

Well, when I placed my order, I anticipated a palate-tickling treat,

a balm to the taste buds, as it were...

But what I got was an affront to the very notion of a cheese

and tomato sandwich - a culinary nightmare, an unpalatable debacle.

Philistines.

The Himalayan salt and Patagonian vinegar crisps, au fromage,

on the other hand, are a gastronomic triumph.

Stop being so mean.

I think it's amazing what Emma and Heston are doing.

-Thank you, Karen.

-Amazing?

-It's a public scandal.

-It's not exactly Watergate.

And they're exposing it, standing up for the little guy. What if me and Rob were to go to there?

-We wouldn't know one wine from another.

-That's why Rob and you don't go to places like that.

People have to be held to account, Zara.

Honesty and integrity are the foundations of a civilised society.

How very reassuring Heston "the sword of truth" Carter holds back the barbarian hordes.

-Ha-ha.

-What's all this about?

Oh, Emma and I are doing a restaurant column. This is our first stab.

Stab? It's more like a lynching.

I'll print you a copy. You should read it.

-Yeah, I'd love to.

-Now, I should explain one or two things first...

You're not still worrying about this assessment, are you?

I can't stop worrying about it.

And then I worry about worrying.

You don't want to make yourself sick.

That's what I'm worried about.

It's my heart - it's been feeling funny all morning.

-Really?

-I think it's the stress. I'm sure it is.

Probably. Have you put on weight?

Have I?

Any nausea, muscle pain, loss of libido...?

My sex drive? No.

Maybe...I dunno.

You're probably going to be fine.

What?

What's up with Kevin? He's really stressed out.

What about?

I don't know. You, I think.

-Me?

-Yeah. He really had a go at me.

He hasn't said anything?

It's probably this stupid phone bill. He says I owe him money.

£8.93, exactly.

Right, well, you want to sort that out,

before he makes everyone's life a misery.

Thank you so much for coming by.

I'm sure she'll be here in a moment with your card. Ah, Gwyneth, give him the card.

Not until he tells me what Martin said.

I'm sorry, I can't.

My son is having potentially lethal sex with abusive men!

Gwyneth!

Those bruises on his neck? I know what they are.

Tell me what Martin said.

I didn't say anything.

Martin!

When are you going to learn that I do with my friends is

none of your business?

Friends!? They look more like extras from a bondage video.

Stop trying to run my life for me.

-You're my son!

-That doesn't give you the right to control me!

-I don't want to lose you!

-What?

Auto-erotic asphyxiation is very dangerous. It can kill you.

-Auto-erotic what?

-Don't pretend you don't know what he's talking about.

-I don't.

-Then why was this in your locker?

-What's that doing here?

-It's not mine.

-Stop lying!

-I'm not.

I don't want you to die!

It isn't his.

Huh?

It was supposed to be a surprise.

For your birthday.

-Al said you had a go at him.

-Did he?

-Is that because of the phone bill?

-No.

Cos if it matters that much to you, here.

-I don't want it.

-Take it.

-No. You were right. It's petty.

-I didn't say it was petty.

-That's what you were thinking.

-Why are you being so moody?

-I'm not being moody.

I said I'll pay. Take it.

I don't want it.

Just take it.

Fine. Thank you.

I hid it in Martin's locker

because you're always going through my things.

-I do not.

-You went through my things.

I was worried. I still am.

Whoever did this to you is dangerous.

Oh, for God's sake, tell her.

-No!

-Tell me what?

Inez!

He does a kick-boxing class.

That's how he got the bruises.

Kick boxing? That's it?

I was so worried. Why didn't you tell me?

I thought you were having rough sex.

Why does everything have to be about sex?

-Well, if you never tell me anything, then what am I supposed to think?

-Some things are private.

-If you're worried about your sexuality...

-I'm not!

-It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Not everyone is as confused as you are.

And what's that supposed to mean?

If it's got two legs you'll sleep with it.

That is not true.

Really? Alice, Jocelyn, her brother!?

You were flirting with HIM this morning.

I haven't cheated on you in...ages.

He's right. Nothing is private with you. Ever.

I've had it.

Inez?

KNOCK ON DOOR Yeah, come in.

Have you read the review?

Yeah. It's fine.

Didn't you like it?

Well, it was a bit confusing. This is one restaurant, yeah?

-Yes.

-Sounded like two different places.

Like most of the review is really negative,

and in the middle...

"Halibut seared to perfection,

"surprisingly tasty duck confit. The service attentive

"without being obsequious." Sounds like you enjoyed it.

That was before they switched the wine.

-That was it? That was all that went wrong?

-Well, it's a crime.

It's not as if someone died, is it?

-I'm reporting them to Trading Standards.

-Heston, what if they're struggling to survive?

I have a moral duty to my readers.

Well, then, I guess it's fine.

But you did ask me to read it.

So, why didn't you tell your mother about the kick boxing?

Because if I tell her one thing, she has to know about everything -

my friends, my girlfriend, what we do in bed...

Still...

-She's not talking to me.

-Yeah, I don't blame her.

This is serious, Martin. What if she really means it?

-She's warned you enough times.

-This is all your fault.

It wouldn't have killed you to tell me about the kick boxing.

If you want me to talk to you then stop prying into my sex life.

Well, why do you have to be so secretive about it?

Some people like to keep it to themselves.

All right. All right!

I won't ask you about your sex life.

But I was worried. Look at you.

I should have told you about the kick boxing. I'm sorry.

And it's...just a normal class?

There's nothing kinky?

No bondage? No...sex games?

Unbelievable.

What? What did I say?

Hey, hey, hey.

Why did you tell Jas that I had a go at you?

Eh?

No, I just said you were a bit stressed, that's all.

I wasn't stressed, I was surprised to see you on her profile page.

-That really bothers you, doesn't it?

-No.

But you do realise that she isn't interested, right?

-I didn't think that she was.

-Good.

-Besides, I've got a girlfriend, you know that.

-Yeah, I know.

-So, what's the problem?

-There's no problem.

Be nice to meet her, though.

Yeah. Sure.

All in good time, Kevin. All in good time.

I know I shouldn't keep going on about his sex life

but you know what it's like as a parent.

It's none of my business, but I think you should stop worrying

about Martin and concentrate on your own relationship.

Thank you.

Matches my eyes, see?

I don't know why I let you do this to me.

This is absolutely your last warning.

Either you grow up and act like an adult or we are through.

Now finish the stock check.

And Martin's all right, is he?

Yes. And for what it's worth, I don't think he's gay.

No. He has to be.

Gwyneth!

Well, all the interesting men are gay...or bisexual.

I thought you were worried.

Only about the dangerous sex. But even that's better than boring.

Howard wants to sack me.

That's why he's booked this development person.

Have you got my phone?

That doesn't make any sense.

It does. He's always trying to make savings.

And he changed my HCA shift.

Karen, you're fine, all right. I've seen much worse.

-"Much worse"? What do you mean, "much worse"?

-Chris! He could sack any one of us.

-How many messages did you send me last night?

-You are both over-reacting.

Over-reacting?

I'm getting fat, I'm losing my sex drive,

I could have a heart attack and you would say that I was over-reacting?

Will you tell her that you were winding her up, please?

Were you?

It's like taking candy from a baby.

There's nothing wrong with you, Karen, except perhaps an over-active imagination.

Do you know why Howard is doing this?

Because he wants to feel useful?

What do you think?

Jas?

KAREN: You all right?

Huh?

What's wrong?

It's nothing.

Mr Bellamy has brought me here today to assess the state of patient care

at The Mill Health Centre.

We're going to be looking at patient interaction,

support systems for learning, existing protocols, et cetera...

-Ah, Mrs...?

-Parks.

Parks, welcome, welcome. We're delighted to have you here

and look forward to showing you the very best

that The Mill has to offer.

I won't shake, thanks, I'm short of sanitiser...

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