Kick Doctors

This is 4482, next street, ETA imminent!

Drop it! Back away!

Final warning!

Is that Al peeking through the blinds?

Not funny.

-Certainly won't be funny, when he has to 'fess up.

-Kevin.

-OK. But...

-I mean it.

Well, you and I got an A* for our review.

Really?

Mm! I have an old friend who works in publishing.

She saw it and thought it was excellent.

How did she know it was us?

She probably recognised the lofty tone.

And what exactly do you mean by "lofty"?

Well, isn't it all a bit, you know,

"The wine had top notes of aspic and truffle oil..."

Only if it was used it to dress the salad!

I just really don't see the point of restaurant reviews.

They're a guide for the busy and discerning.

Yeah, and they're good to wrap your chips up with the next day.

Oh, dear.

Nice work. You OK?

Never touched me.

Did you, big boy?

How's Roberts?

Broken arm. Concussion.

He hit him from behind.

And there was me thinking we were a customer-facing organisation.

Johnno, any more trouble and we're sending over Espinoza.

-And I won't be bringing tea and sandwiches.

-No.

Anyway, your shift's over. Go on, get yourself home, put your feet up.

I wish. Back in, four till 12.

You doing overtime again?

Tony will be thinking that you're married to the job.

He should be so lucky.

Al? In a strip club?

Iffy, or what?

-Come on! We're in work.

-Yeah, in close proximity.

Do you know, I think that Rob's raided that place, some time.

He said it was dead seedy.

Good morning, Starfleet!

How much did you lot have to drink after I left?

What, did someone get arrested?

Everyone got arrested?

I'll take that as a yes.

So how was Jackie and her sister?

Yeah, all right. Morning.

-I thought you said he'd made her up.

-Totally.

I knew something wasn't ringing true

because he couldn't even remember what her job was.

-I think it's sad.

-Yeah, really sad.

I mean sad that he felt he had to do it.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, you've got to feel sorry for him.

I don't.

Hey!

Hey. How was the shift?

Ah, the usual.

-Helping old ladies across the road, huh?

-Oh, ha-ha(!)

So, how many yoga mats did you sell today?

I got the contract to update the kit at the leisure centre.

-What? The whole lot?

-Cross trainers, spinning bikes.

You star.

I prefer "champ". Like the old days, eh?

Tan, I was... I was wondering if you've done the test yet.

-I've been busy.

-You said you would.

-Yeah I know, but...

-Why don't we do it now?

-Andy!

-It won't take long.

I'm going to the gym.

You've just come off shift.

I need to sauna and stretch.

I had to take someone down.

Well, did you get hurt?

-This is why we need to know.

-Why?

If you are, then they have to take you off the beat.

People carry on for months!

If you're pregnant, I want you off.

-I like my job.

-What, more than you'd like kids?

Tanya...

I didn't mean...

Hi.

Hi.

Thank God you're with it.

I've been treading on eggshells with everybody else.

Yeah. It was a funny night.

Funny ha-ha, or funny peculiar?

Ooh, I've been playing darts for the Horse & Buckle's side.

Last match, I could not hit a barn door.

The captain suggested that maybe I should bring my pretty friend...

Sorry, I've got a patient due.

Sure.

You've forgotten your coffee.

I think we should capitalise on our success and do another one.

-Indeed. But when?

-Later this week?

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-The next few days are pretty full. Come in!

Can you counter-sign these, Heston?

-Please!

-Do you need all this?

I don't, but the sick people who visit us do.

How about the Icon?

It's close, we can nip down, have lunch, write a review.

-Good idea.

-Bad idea.

-Why?

-Isn't it a bit dumb to trash your local?

Who says we're going to trash it?

They haven't got poncey starters and they serve ordinary people.

We are writing for a local publication.

It's only right we look at a range of establishments.

Yes, and it will help the readership discern between a Bearnaise

-and a Bechamel.

-Bechamel?

Was that not the new French striker the Baggies have just signed?

Very droll. Have no fear - it will be a full and fair arbitration.

Fine! Just remember, you diss the Icon,

the next closest place for a sandwich is the garage.

And...they're wrapped in plastic!

So, the Icon it is.

I just think it's odd that he would invent a girlfriend.

And doing the other thing.

Well, maybe he's just a bit of a loony.

Maybe he is just lonely.

Well, I am sure we have all felt that way at some time.

Yeah, but did you cure it by going to see some bloke

whip his scanties off?

Or maybe he's hiding something - something from his past.

What? Like a basement full of bodies?

He's clever.

Yeah. Einstein was clever. Doesn't mean he was a slasher.

-Who's a flasher?

-Slasher.

Karen thinks that Al is the successor to Freddy Krueger.

I do not! I just wonder why he would make up a girlfriend.

-Have you ever made up a girlfriend?

-No, I've never needed to.

I think we should all calm down and try not to pass judgement.

I agree.

Better lock up those scalpels, mate!

Hello, baby.

Working hard?

I don't want to do this.

I do.

The route.

It's a private company that do transport for prisoners.

-There'll be a police escort.

-That's not a given.

He's up for murder.

He's not going to be escorted by the Brownies.

It gets allocated by Division. I won't be able to do this.

Yes, you will. Find someone.

Ask them.

Tanya?

Hi! Mandy!

-Long time, no see.

-How are you?

Good.

Well, introduce me.

This is Mandy. She's an old school friend.

Nice. I'm Dexter. Dex.

So, what do you do with yourself?

I'm a nurse.

No way! I love a girl in uniform.

PHONE RINGS

Listen, shall we go?

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in!

Hey, Kev, I've got this Jay Lee Miller, she lost her nasal septum

-due to cocaine use...

-Referral. Surgical job.

Yeah, of course I'm going to refer her.

I'm just thinking about the psychological dimension.

-HE MUTTERS:

-What about YOUR psychological dimension?

What?

What did you just say?

Is there a problem, Kevin?

Your "girlfriend" Jackie.

She only exists up here.

Don't be so ridiculous!

Is this because we didn't invite you to go to that club?

What club's that? The strip club?

-Cos we followed you last night.

-You did...

That is not a nice thing to do.

And paying a girl to take her clothes off is?

-Like you've never done anything like that?

-Come on!

You've never been to a lap-dancing or a pole-dancing club with your mates?

-Yes. I'm not proud of it.

-Nor am I.

-So why did you?

Jackie dumped me last week.

I haven't known how to tell anybody.

So, the stripper was what? Relationship therapy?

I don't know. It was spur of the moment.

-It's because you've made up your girlfriend and you wanted to get your rocks off.

-Kevin!

Just think what you want.

Yeah? Cos I can tell you exactly what we think.

So, is Dexter your boyfriend?

No.

I'm married. Andy.

You?

Free agent.

So, this Dexter guy, he's a...

Friend. Sort of.

Seems very insistent.

What was it we used to call you in school?

Tae Kwon Do Tanya. I hated it.

You were really good though! What was it - the county champion,

-or something?

-West Midlands.

Wow! Still competing?

Not for a while. There's just not much time, with work.

Speaking of which, I'd better get cracking.

Boss is ex-military and he takes his time-keeping pretty seriously.

Do you want a lift? I go past the Mill.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah. No problem.

Don't you think we're accusing the most obvious person?

-He's obsessed with you.

-It was a crush!

Believe me, it's more than just a crush.

I just don't think he could have written what was in those texts and e-mails.

Why? Because he looks like a big, old teddy bear?

Because I don't think it's in his nature.

How do you know what's in his nature?

Whether it's Al or not, it looks like they've stopped.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Look, I know you said you don't want to stay at mine,

-but I'm going on holiday next week...

-Thanks, but I'll be fine.

I want you to have a good time without worrying, OK?

-You know, I find make-up aggravates it.

-Hm?

Just when my skin flares up,

I tend to use hypoallergenic stuff - it's really good.

Not had a single spot, not even when I was a teenager.

Look, I'll be back in a minute.

-Tomorrow.

-Look, I told you...

-At the latest.

Or I make a little call to your gaffer.

Owens, isn't it?

Got some stories he'd be surprised to hear.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

Doesn't seem to be.

Is that guy hassling you?

He's, er...

We've got some issues.

Got your bags packed?

Not quite, but Howard's given me the afternoon off,

so I might make a start then.

Men. You still going to Marbella?

-Mauritius.

-Oh, lucky you!

I've never been to the Caribbean.

Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it.

How can you serve a pissaladiere without anchovies?

Or a puttanesca with anchovies but without capers?

-Been to that new Italian?

-The Icon!

By name, but not by nature.

I always thought it was all right.

"All right" isn't an accolade.

-Off on your hols?

-Yep.

Mauritius.

Where the joie de vivre of France

meets the exotic cuisine of the Far East.

I remember eating a daube ourite over an azure ocean.

-What's daube ourite?

-Octopus stew.

Just ask them if they do a decent pie, mate.

-All right. I'll see you in a few weeks.

-All right, lad.

-Bon vacances!

-Enjoy!

Anything drastic happens, I'll drop you a text, yeah?

So will you be able to get some sleep before your shift?

Couple of hours. Don't need much.

I need loads!

Andy thinks I should get more.

I guess it must be the adrenaline -

you're always a bit pumped when you're on the beat.

How pumped?

Well, you never quite know what you're...

-Antihistamines. I've got an allergy.

-These are steroids.

That's why you've not been sleeping.

-No.

-And your skin, and your hairbrush is full of hair.

-Mandy...

-With side effects like that,

I'd say you've been taking these for a while.

You should've been a copper.

I've known nurses who've needed something, to... To keep them going.

Do you want to come in?

I always knew it was wrong.

So why did you want to use them?

I picked up a few injuries.

It was just taking longer to recover.

But I thought you weren't competing any more.

Beat policing is a physical job.

So, Dexter - he's your supplier?

Andy was a semi-pro boxer at Dexter's gym.

There's always that stuff floating around. Andy never took it.

Anyway, one day, when I was fighting, I lost a bout. Dexter came up,

said he could....help.

So, is that what you were arguing about?

He's using it to blackmail me.

Dexter's known to the police.

One of his associates, Spencer Reese,

is about to appear in Crown Court.

It's murder.

Dexter and his crew want to spring Reese from the van

on the way from the prison. And they want me...

They want me to give them the route.

The waitress didn't know the difference between a Bordeaux

-and a Riesling.

-And that, from a limited wine list.

So limited, it included three bottled lagers!

Heston, Mrs T is trying to tell some bloke that we're closed

-and he wants to see a partner.

-Oh, joy.

So, are you trash-talking the place, then?

If you mean the Icon, I'm working towards our review.

You know the chef down there isn't trying to be

Heston Blooming... Whatever his name is.

-Blumenthal.

-Yeah, whatever.

He's just trying to make decent grub for happy punters.

Yes, well, we won't be reviewing it in terms of "grub" and "punters".

No, I suppose you're too posh for that.

-Are you using this to have a go at me?

-What?

This is the first thing that I've been interested in since Sam

and you can't even allow me that.

-That's not what...

-Why can't you just let me enjoy it?

All I'm saying is just to be fair.

It's not a personal attack.

Really? Well, that's not how it feels.

They'll use violence.

It's the only way to stop the van and free the prisoner.

But you said there'd be police.

An escort car. Reese is high-risk. But they'll be unarmed.

The force isn't big - they'll be people I know.

Choice is simple. I betray my principles and my colleagues,

or lose my career and possibly face jail time.

Tanya!

Won't your boss understand?

About what? Buying steroids from a criminal,

or allowing myself to be blackmailed by him?

It's bad enough I've done this to myself, but when I think of what I might have done to the b...

Are you pregnant?

Tanya?

Two months.

And you're still taking steroids?

That's an old pack.

I stopped taking them as soon as I suspected.

What did Andy say?

He doesn't even know I've done the test.

I didn't wa...

I don't...

What am I going to say if the baby's been harmed?

I'm sure everything will be fine.

How sure?

You need to see a doctor.

You know, I really need to know.

Andy's desperate to be a dad.

And you?

I really want this baby.

Well, the first thing you should do, then, is tell Andy.

-Then I'd have to tell him everything - the drugs, Dexter...

-Mm-hmm.

If he loves you, he'll try and understand.

What are you doing?

I'm, er, anticipating.

Premature dementia, apparently.

A half day off tomorrow, on the course, improving my handicap.

Finding wrinkly directors' wives for cosmetic improvement.

Golf and business have always been excellent bedfellows.

Brilliant! While I'm under a pile of paperwork, you're going

to be sashaying around the course, pitching for private work.

-Exactly.

-No, no, no, that is fine, Mrs Broughton.

Well, let's hope for some improvement. Goodbye.

-That is a shame.

-What's that?

Well, I was supposed to go to Hanbury Hall with my very good friend Mrs Broughton.

Her cat has had complications.

Well, between you and I, they think he's morbidly obese.

Hanbury Hall is lovely, especially the gardens.

I know, I was so looking forward to it.

Now I will have to find somewhere else to go.

What about golf?

-Golf?

-Yes, Daniel's got a free half day tomorrow

and he's thinking of spending it at his club.

He has always been keen on lady partners for his ball games.

I have always wanted to play golf.

But I have thought that it was somewhat snobbish.

Not to mention, a little racist.

Really? I think golf would be an excellent sport for you.

The open air, a game that exercises the mind as much as the body.

Well, would Dr Granger mind me coming along?

Mind? He'd be delighted.

Oh, thank you!

I told you to stay away from Dexter!

He didn't make me take them.

He made it easy for you to get them, didn't he?

This was all about you, anyway.

-How?

-How do you think?

Dexter? I would never...

That's the point. He couldn't have you, so he'll destroy you.

And he knew exactly what your weakness was.

-Andy.

-I'm not letting him win.

-This isn't about winning.

Yes, it is.

Look, I'll go to Owens.

So what if I lose the job?

It'll be more than that and you know it.

-No, I'm going to sort this.

-Andy.

He was always too scared to get into the ring with me.

There is no ring. I've seen his record.

I know what he can do.

And I know what I can do.

Andy, wait! There is something.

Andy!

You knew we were trying.

Tell him.

About the baby! Tell him!

Andy!

ENGINE STARTS

Andy, stop, he's going to kill you!

Andy, I'm...

Tanya, call the police.

Call them.

Police.

This is an officer calling, 4482 PC Tanya Espinoza.

Units required at The Upper-Cut Gym, Manderby Street.

Come on.

Oh, you made me jump!

I seem to have that effect on people.

Actually, I was looking for Dr Khella.

She left ages ago.

Oh, right.

I'll just have to catch her tomorrow.

Yeah, right. Bye!

Bye.

Andy!

SIREN WAILS

Leave her alone!

Leave her alone, she's pregnant!

Get off her!

Tanya!

SHE COUGHS

What the hell is going on?

Police surgeon said there's no broken bones.

I'm sorry.

You should've told me.

I was scared.

Scared of me?

Scared to be without you.

Never.

Yeah I will. Yeah, OK.

The inspector will see you now.

What's going to happen to her?

Well, I think it'll be very difficult for her to stay on the force.

But she's a good copper, isn't she?

She probably saved two lives this morning.

I know if I was down and a red call went out

and I heard that 4482 was responding,

I'd be mighty glad.

Golf? Mrs Tembe?

We think it's a fabulous idea.

She was thrilled. Very good of you to ask her.

-I haven't.

-Oh, but you will.

I think it would be better if somebody else taught her.

-I'm not that good a golfer.

-I thought you played off scratch.

I did, when I had the chance to play more than once in a blue moon.

Well, think of this as a good opportunity to have a practice.

Do you know what?

I had intended for tomorrow to be a social game of golf.

Not a hackfest with Mrs Tembe!

If that is how you feel, I will entertain myself elsewhere.

-Mrs Tembe...

-No!

I do not want to cramp your style or disrupt your foreplay!

I think she's conflating "four ball" with "stroke play".

Zara, I know that this sounds like a good idea, but...

Daniel, Mrs Tembe has already been let down once today.

Surely you're too much of a gentleman to let that happen twice?

Al! I owe you a beer, mate.

What for?

Not being around. I know it's been rough on you since your aunt...

I got dragged into some court stuff, you know.

-Let's go for a drink.

-You're serious?

Yeah, yeah, I fancy a pint of that Farmer Widget's Horsebender,

or whatever you call it! Do you mind if I stick to the lager?

Am I ever going to educate you?

I've got a delicate palate.

Anyway I'd look terrible with a beard and sandals.

Or what, and I would?

You'd look stunning, mate, absolutely stunning.

Thanks, Jimmi. Thank you.

-Thanks.

-I'm buying you a drink, I'm not marrying you. Come on!

"Not cut out for mentorship"?

Well, interesting... That's what I thought,

but Zara has convinced me that I have the necessary forbearance.

Forbearance for what?

Forbearance of any mistakes I may make while I'm coaching.

Well... Well, in that case,

I'll look forward to putting up the fairway and driving up the green.

-Actually that's...

-Now, what about equipment?

Oh, that's all right, Daniel's going to borrow some from a lady friend.

He can return them tomorrow.

Well, then, we are prepared! Thank you, Dr Granger.

I am sure we will have a day to remember.

I would've phoned. I just, erm... forgot.

But I've got everything else sorted.

All our documentation. I've even downloaded some box sets for us

to watch when we're hung over.

Oh, just...

Oh, right, thank you.

SHE SOBS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd