A Slight Misunderstanding Doctors


A Slight Misunderstanding

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Transcript


LineFromTo

MUSIC: "Road To Nowhere" by Talking Heads

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# But we don't know where we've been

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# And we know what we're knowing

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# But we can't say what we've seen

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# And we're not little children

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# And we know what we want... #

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PHONE RINGS

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Aren't you supposed to be in Morocco?

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Mauritius. Yeah. Still waiting for my mates to turn up.

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Just wanted to double-check -

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you sure you don't want to stay at mine while I'm away?

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That's very sweet of you but, honestly, I'm fine.

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-DOORBELL BUZZES

-I have to go.

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OK, enjoy - where was it again?

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Mauritius.

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Bye!

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You ready to go, mate?

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Mate, I was born ready.

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Midlands Med School Meat-Heads on Tour. Thailand 2011.

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Vegas 2012.

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-BOTH:

-Mauritius 2013. Total devastation!

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-Where's Noel?

-Noel's not here.

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What? He's party leader.

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Club rules clearly state, the leader gets here first.

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Yeah, it's a bit stupid seeing as we agreed to meet here,

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and he does have to travel from the Outer Hebrides or wherever.

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It's only Glasgow. This is not good enough.

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That boy's a serious risk.

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Perhaps we should have skipped his turn and let me be leader again.

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Give him a chance, Benny. You know, he's sorted it all out.

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He's planned it all.

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You know, there's no reason to assume that he'll muck it up.

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No reason except he's Noel Butterfield.

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And...and he's got a girlfriend.

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No? Who?

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He wouldn't tell me her name. Got very cagey.

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Gave me serious cause for concern.

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Oh hold on, he's not going to try and bring her with, is he?

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What, and risk breaking rule number seven - instant expulsion?

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Morning, Al.

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Yeah, hiya.

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I've been meaning to have a word with you.

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Can it wait until I've had a cup of coffee?

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Had a little bit of a late one with Jimmi last night.

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Were you drowning your sorrows after your break-up with Jackie?

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It must have been ever so upsetting for you.

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Yeah, well, that's all in the past now. Onwards and...

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DOORBELL BUZZES Here he is.

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Is he on his own though? Or has he brought along whatshername?

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Hey! Here he is. Our beloved leader and he's on his own.

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An hour late, Noel. Not good, mate, not good.

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Yeah, uh, sorry, I, uh, messed up the timings a bit

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so we don't actually have to be anywhere for, like, hours yet.

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But I've sussed us a great greasy spoon so we can go and have a nosh.

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My treat.

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Yeah, Noel. All right, nice one, Noel.

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Yeah, we'll line our stomachs before we get on it.

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I'd rather have had a lie-in, thanks.

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I would've phoned. I just, uh, forgot.

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But look, I've got everything else sorted.

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All our documentation, printed T-shirts,

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I've even downloaded us some box sets

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for us to watch when we're hungover.

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Hey, good job, come on, Benny.

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Yeah, all right, fair enough.

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Mine's a full English, with all the trimmings. Yeah?

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-What's wrong with you?

-Mate, I think

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I might've pulled a muscle doing that sponsored bike ride last week.

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It's been aching ever since.

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Where was this sponsored bike ride?

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Arizona. It was one of those company things, morale-booster.

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Probably cost more to fly us out there than we actually raised.

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But it's definitely something muscular though, I think...

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-It's DVT.

-You are kidding.

-He can't fly.

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It didn't always look like that, honestly. It could be anything.

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Dermatitis!?

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How long have we got before we have to get there?

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Oh, ages. Bags of time.

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Long enough to get to St Phil's? Get a fit-to-fly diagnosis?

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Maybe. Or maybe not.

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You know what waiting times are like.

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But let's stay positive, eh, lads?

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If it is DVT, then we've saved your life.

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But let's get to St Phil's and find out.

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And whilst he's there, we've got time to find a replacement,

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just in case.

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Oi! Now you're not taking your missus in my place.

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Rule number one - no girls allowed.

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That is not what I meant.

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I just wondered if you had a mate around here

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that might fancy a holiday?

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I love the food on planes.

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Kevin was planning on blagging his way into business class.

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Wonder what the food's like on there?

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They have the best-looking staff, I remember that much.

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Right, back to the wart-freezing.

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-See you later.

-See ya.

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Sorry, mate, you can't come in here.

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Yeah, it's OK, he's with me.

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I'm party leader.

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Yeah. Noel, Jimmi - Jimmi, Noel. Do you want to go to Mauritius?

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-Yeah. Who doesn't want to go to Mauritius?

-Top man. See I told you we'd do it.

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OK. Give Howard a call. Tell him it's an emergency.

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Say one of our mates has got DVT

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and if he can't make the flight, we're a man down.

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-Slow down, mate. I can't go today.

-Just call him here, I'll ask him.

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No, no, no, I mean, I need time to plan, you know, well in advance. Thanks, but no, thanks.

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-Maybe Mandy would be up for it?

-No, no ladies, sorry. Club rules.

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Not even gay ones?

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Uh, not sure we've got a rule for them. Kevin?

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No, no girls of any persuasion.

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No, I can just picture her now, liberating all the hot chicks.

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No, we'll have to think of someone else.

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No, it won't work, I've just thought - the malaria meds

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and all that stuff. No-one else can take Benny's place.

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Good thinking, party leader.

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But you don't need malaria meds for Mauritius.

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I have all the documentation in my dossier.

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-Didn't you check?

-It's not my job. He's party leader.

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Here you go. All my research.

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Noel, this is a list for Mauritania.

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Uh?

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You haven't booked a trip to Mauritania, have you?

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Might've done. Why, is that bad?

0:06:420:06:47

Here we go..."Mauritania. Not to be confused with Mauritius."

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There, see. It's easily done.

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"An Islamic Republic in West Africa. The Foreign...

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"The Foreign Office warns of terrorism, kidnapping,

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"human rights abuses.

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"Travel is not advised unless absolutely essential."

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We do really need a holiday.

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Not in the middle of a danger zone!

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Great work, party leader. Thanks a bunch.

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MUSIC: "Road To Nowhere by Talking Heads

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But you can still get your money back on

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non-refundable tickets, can't you?

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If I made a mistake.

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What if I buy the cancellation insurance now, then cancel?

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What are you...?

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Hello, is there any way whatsoever that we can get our money

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back on our tickets?

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Yeah, right. Thank you. Goodbye.

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So what did she say?

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Kevin?

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You know, I'm trying to figure out if you've always been this stupid

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or if being in love has completely fried your brains.

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Well, she's not in love with me.

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She left me.

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Were you just in my room?

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No. Well, yeah, I was, but I wasn't doing anything funny.

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So why would you lie about it?

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You see, I was up to no good. Sorry.

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Oh. Right.

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Are you OK, Jas?

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If you need someone to talk to...

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I... I don't - thank you, I'm fine.

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I just need to get on.

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I really needed to get away. I needed you and Benny.

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I wanted it to be the best.

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Noel, why didn't you say something? Extenuating circumstances, mate!

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I'll make it work. Do whatever it takes.

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I'm not going to let Prudence ruin this for us.

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Sorry? What...what did you say her name was?

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No wonder you didn't tell us about her.

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How about I get some lunch?

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I always think better when I'm walking.

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Yeah, that was always your excuse for skipping lectures.

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There's medical evidence for it. Blood flow and stuff.

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You stay here and I'll come back with some butties

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and a brilliant plan about how to get us out of this mess.

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PATIENT SNEEZES

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Sorry for the hold-up, I've just got to find some...

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PATIENT SNEEZES

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Um..

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Sorry. I'm just coming.

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Hi.

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Is there a problem, Dr Granger?

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-Is it my outfit?

-No, you look...breathtaking.

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Oh, well, thank you.

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I borrowed it from a friend of mine - Mrs Beccles.

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She lives on my street.

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She was quite the golfing sensation in her day.

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I'm sure she was.

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Right, we better get going. Ladies first.

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Thank you. Oh, no, no, no. I have my own balls.

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Mrs Beccles gave it me.

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-She thought it might bring me luck.

-OK.

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Have you got a tee?

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Oh, yes, thank you indeed, we had tea and cakes before I left her.

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No, no - a tee.

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Ah, I knew there was something not quite right.

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-Not the only thing.

-Excuse me.

-Nothing.

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Shall I... Shall I take your handbag for you?

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Oh... Thank you.

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-Won't be a minute guys.

-No, no, no.

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You take as long as you want, Dr Granger.

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I want to learn everything.

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Oh...just...

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Oh, right, thank you.

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SHE SOBS

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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Leave me alone!

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Jas?

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Sorry, Karen, I'm just not feeling very well.

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Must've caught that bug that's going around.

0:11:380:11:42

-Do you want to go home?

-I can't.

0:11:420:11:45

You can't work like this.

0:11:450:11:47

And you've seen all your patients for this morning.

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I'll run it by Howard, go home, get some rest.

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There's no way you can go to Mauritania, Kevin.

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Do you know how homophobic it is out there?

0:11:590:12:01

Why, what's that got to do with us? Hold on.

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You don't think that they'll think that me and Noel are...?

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No, but, by going there, you're endorsing it, aren't you?

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And all the other rights abuses.

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Unless, you're going there to make a difference.

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I'm sure there's loads of charities that could use the help of three medics.

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It's a holiday, not a humanitarian mission.

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I get more than enough of that here, at work, thank you very much.

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No, I need some ME time.

0:12:250:12:26

I need to go out on the lash. You know, lose the plot.

0:12:260:12:30

Pull.

0:12:300:12:31

If it's not Mauritius, it'll have to be a cheap flight to Magaluf.

0:12:310:12:35

Do you think your other mate will be OK to fly?

0:12:350:12:38

I'll tell you in a sec. Benny, talk to me, baby.

0:12:380:12:41

Have you got a tee?

0:12:440:12:46

What? Already? We're only at hole number two.

0:12:460:12:49

I am only joking!

0:12:510:12:52

It is a silly name for it, anyway.

0:12:530:12:55

Perhaps we should think of something a little more sensible.

0:12:550:12:58

It's called a tee.

0:12:580:13:00

And this is the second hole, not hole number two.

0:13:000:13:03

There is so much to learn.

0:13:030:13:06

Yeah, I tried telling Zara it's not everyone's idea of fun.

0:13:060:13:09

You-you misunderstand me. I am not complaining.

0:13:090:13:13

On the contrary, I enjoy a challenge.

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So do I, but there are limits.

0:13:170:13:19

Excuse me, Dr Granger?

0:13:190:13:21

It's just - I thought you were into more sort of churchy things.

0:13:210:13:25

You do not think that church is as challenging as this?

0:13:250:13:28

As much as I study and strive, there is always something new to learn.

0:13:280:13:33

Oh!

0:13:400:13:41

I'm not sure they're comparable.

0:13:440:13:46

What - you do not think people are devoted to golf?

0:13:460:13:50

I have seen them here, day in, day out, rain or shine,

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feeling elation, despair, tranquillity.

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It fills their lives, it gives them purpose.

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A place to belong.

0:14:050:14:07

I suppose so. I hadn't thought of it like that.

0:14:070:14:09

Oh, Dr Granger, that was wonderful.

0:14:160:14:19

Really?

0:14:190:14:20

Very good, Dr Granger, very good.

0:14:200:14:22

Sorry I took so long. I've been having a big think,

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and I've had a brainwave about how to fix this.

0:14:250:14:27

It'll cost a bit more, but I can cover it

0:14:270:14:29

and we'll get tickets to somewhere like Magaluf, if Benny's leg is...

0:14:290:14:33

It's not better. He has DVT, he can't fly anywhere.

0:14:330:14:37

Which you'd know, if you'd remember to turn on your phone.

0:14:370:14:41

Face it, Noel, we're not going anywhere.

0:14:440:14:46

Maybe you and me could still go to Mauritania.

0:14:470:14:50

Maybe it's all right.

0:14:500:14:51

And maybe I'd rather stay in Letherbridge and look after Benny, thanks.

0:14:510:14:56

Face it, Noel, you're on your own and I'm sorry,

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but you've only yourself to blame.

0:14:580:15:00

Fair enough, mate. I'll, eh, send you a postcard.

0:15:040:15:08

If-if they do postcards.

0:15:080:15:11

And if I don't get killed, or kidnapped.

0:15:110:15:14

CAR ENGINE APPROACHING

0:15:410:15:42

ENGINE STOPS

0:15:460:15:47

CAR DOOR SHUTS

0:15:520:15:53

DOG BARKS

0:15:580:15:59

DOG BARKS

0:16:050:16:06

It must be here. Nothing simply disappears.

0:16:100:16:13

It really doesn't matter, Mrs Tembe.

0:16:130:16:15

It matters to me. If something is worth doing well... PHONE RINGS

0:16:150:16:19

-Sorry. Hello.

-Having fun?

0:16:190:16:22

'Not really, no.'

0:16:220:16:23

She's having a crisis of faith on the back nine.

0:16:230:16:26

Oh, dear.

0:16:260:16:27

Yeah, I'm not kidding either.

0:16:270:16:29

Everything can be found, you just have to work hard to find it.

0:16:290:16:33

I could kill you for getting me involved with this.

0:16:330:16:35

Kill me? You should thank me.

0:16:350:16:37

-This is your speciality, isn't it? Helping damsels in distress.

-'Well, you know what.'

0:16:370:16:40

First of all, she's not my kind of damsel. And...

0:16:400:16:43

spiritual matters aren't my strong suit.

0:16:430:16:45

She wants to learn golf, not transcendental meditation.

0:16:450:16:49

'Just be sweet to her.'

0:16:490:16:50

You know how to make all kinds of damsels happy, don't you?

0:16:500:16:53

-Yeah, I suppose so...

-Well, just get on with it

0:16:530:16:55

cos you need to be at that kids' football match by seven.

0:16:550:16:57

Hello?

0:16:590:17:00

I am so sorry. It is completely lost.

0:17:010:17:04

Well, you know what?

0:17:040:17:05

The way you got to think of it is that your despair at losing it

0:17:050:17:08

will be somebody else's elation, when they find it.

0:17:080:17:10

Half my stock of golf balls was somebody else's once,

0:17:100:17:13

and vice-versa.

0:17:130:17:14

That's how it works.

0:17:140:17:16

Really? So, nothing is ever totally lost?

0:17:160:17:20

Exactly.

0:17:200:17:21

Karma. That's why it's called a round...of golf.

0:17:210:17:25

Well, yes, I did not see it like that before

0:17:250:17:29

but that makes a great deal of sense.

0:17:290:17:31

You're doing really well, OK, so drop out.

0:17:310:17:34

Oh...thank you, Dr Granger. I was beginning to doubt myself.

0:17:340:17:37

Well, we all have our doubts, Mrs Tembe.

0:17:370:17:39

But that's when you need to keep going.

0:17:390:17:41

Come on, only two more holes.

0:17:410:17:43

A student nurse? How did you manage that?

0:17:450:17:48

Well, you know,

0:17:480:17:49

impressed her with tales of my charity fundraising efforts.

0:17:490:17:53

And the size of my pay packet, obviously.

0:17:530:17:55

Well, you're all sorted. Holiday in Letherbridge.

0:17:550:17:59

Student nurse digs.

0:17:590:18:01

Yeah, actually, I was wondering if maybe we could just crash here for the week?

0:18:010:18:05

She's only got a single bed

0:18:050:18:06

and I need space, you know, to stretch the leg out.

0:18:060:18:09

Yeah. Maybe I should have gone with Noel.

0:18:090:18:12

Do you think he'll be all right, out there on his own?

0:18:120:18:15

-He's got to learn somehow.

-Do you think he can though?

0:18:150:18:19

Do you know what? If my leg were better, I'd probably go after him.

0:18:190:18:23

Would you?

0:18:230:18:24

Rule number four - never let down your fellow members.

0:18:240:18:29

But that's why I'm here with you, otherwise I'd be letting you down.

0:18:290:18:31

I'll be well looked after, mate, don't you worry.

0:18:310:18:34

It's Noel who needs help.

0:18:340:18:36

Besides what's the worst that could happen - you have a rubbish holiday?

0:18:360:18:39

You get bombed, properly, by terrorists?

0:18:390:18:41

Look, he's a mate though. You know?

0:18:430:18:45

Yeah.

0:18:490:18:50

Call Noel. Tell him not to get on that plane.

0:18:530:18:57

Hole number...

0:19:030:19:04

The 18th hole.

0:19:060:19:07

I did not think we would ever get here.

0:19:070:19:10

Me too!

0:19:100:19:11

Guys, give her a little bit of space, would you?

0:19:110:19:13

Fore!

0:19:190:19:21

No, no...

0:19:210:19:23

Is that what you say - fore? I saw it on the TV once...

0:19:230:19:26

That's a hole in one! That...that's a hole in one!

0:19:260:19:28

Really? No, really? How did I do that?

0:19:280:19:31

Well, beginner's luck.

0:19:310:19:33

No, no, no. It was not luck.

0:19:330:19:35

No, I had an excellent teacher.

0:19:350:19:38

Now you watch, watch Dr Granger get a hole in one.

0:19:380:19:42

That's amazing.

0:19:440:19:45

I was just...

0:19:510:19:53

Oh, yes, a shame. It's a shame.

0:19:530:19:55

You can do it, he can do it again.

0:19:550:19:56

It's a shame.

0:19:560:19:57

MOBILE PHONE BUZZES

0:20:040:20:05

The muppet still hasn't switched his phone on.

0:20:330:20:36

Maybe he's already on the plane.

0:20:360:20:38

You've got to get the next flight out there, mate. He can't be left alone.

0:20:380:20:41

Kevin? Mandy said it had all gone pear-shaped. D'you fancy a pint?

0:20:410:20:45

Change of plans, mate. I'm going to Mauritania.

0:20:450:20:47

-You're joking.

-I know, sad but true. I've got to dash.

0:20:470:20:50

You can't, mate. I checked it out

0:20:500:20:51

just to be sure I was right about the meds.

0:20:510:20:53

You need a visa to get there. The embassy's in Paris,

0:20:530:20:56

so I'm assuming none of you have got a visa?

0:20:560:20:59

-As soon as he lands, they'll send him straight back again.

-We've got to try and stop him.

0:20:590:21:02

Do you want a lift to the airport.

0:21:020:21:05

Yeah, cheers, mate.

0:21:050:21:06

-Go on, hop in, there's more legroom in the back.

-Come on. Come on.

0:21:060:21:09

No.

0:21:250:21:26

It was quite easy, in fact,

0:21:260:21:28

once I realised I did not have to try so hard.

0:21:280:21:31

I think that was Dr Granger's problem, on those first few swings.

0:21:310:21:36

Listen, I better go otherwise I'm going to miss the match.

0:21:360:21:39

Oh. Are you not going to stay for a drink, to celebrate my hole...

0:21:390:21:42

Oh, yeah, thank you. ..in one?

0:21:420:21:43

No. You've got plenty of new friends to celebrate with,

0:21:430:21:47

besides you're buying.

0:21:470:21:49

-I beg your pardon?

-Well, it's a clubhouse rule.

0:21:500:21:53

If you get a hole-in-one, you buy the drinks. Is that right?

0:21:530:21:56

Yeah.

0:21:560:21:58

Oh, if you, er...

0:21:580:22:00

What?

0:22:010:22:03

-For all of these people?

-Mm-hm.

0:22:030:22:06

Do you think they might they take a cheque?

0:22:090:22:12

No.

0:22:120:22:14

But you know what, they will... They will take this.

0:22:140:22:18

Oh, no, I-I-I-I could not.

0:22:180:22:19

I insist. On one condition.

0:22:190:22:21

You never play golf with me ever again.

0:22:220:22:25

That is a deal. I should quit while I am ahead.

0:22:280:22:32

Yep.

0:22:320:22:34

Although, it has been an enlightening experience.

0:22:340:22:37

Yeah, you can say that again. Have fun.

0:22:370:22:40

Cheers, guys.

0:22:400:22:42

Thank you, Dr Granger.

0:22:420:22:43

Well, a round of drinks...

0:22:430:22:46

You see, "a round of drinks" - "a round of golf".

0:22:460:22:49

Please, have whatever you want - I am not paying.

0:22:490:22:52

No, no, no, I am just joking!

0:22:520:22:54

You...you fellas...

0:22:540:22:57

Noel, how many times have I told you? Stop turning off your phone!

0:22:590:23:03

Sorry. I didn't think anybody'd be phoning me.

0:23:030:23:06

We're coming to meet you at the airport.

0:23:060:23:08

Uh, I'm not at the airport. I'm at the train station.

0:23:080:23:11

Well, you can't get a train to Mauritania.

0:23:110:23:14

I'm getting a train to Paris, to get the visa from the embassy.

0:23:140:23:17

Then the flights are from Paris to Mauritania.

0:23:170:23:20

Wow. You've really put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?

0:23:200:23:23

I might've got the destination a bit mixed up,

0:23:230:23:25

but everything else is planned out. I was party leader.

0:23:250:23:29

Get out of the car.

0:23:340:23:37

Get out of the car, Al!

0:23:370:23:39

What do you think you're doing?

0:23:390:23:41

OK, look, I'll tell you what.

0:23:420:23:43

Don't get on a train till we get there.

0:23:430:23:46

You're coming to Mauritania?

0:23:460:23:48

No! No-one's going to Mauritania.

0:23:480:23:50

'We'll try and sell the tickets at the embassy,

0:23:500:23:52

'to anyone who wants to go to Mauritania.'

0:23:520:23:54

We will party in Paris.

0:23:540:23:56

So, can Benny come? If we're not flying?

0:23:560:23:59

Well, the nurse has told him to stay put,

0:23:590:24:02

but he'll be fine in Letherbridge, trust me.

0:24:020:24:05

I haven't booked a hotel for us in Paris.

0:24:050:24:07

Yeah, well, we'll wing it. You know, both be party leader.

0:24:070:24:11

Could we? That'd be much less stressful.

0:24:110:24:13

We are on our way, mate.

0:24:130:24:16

Nice one.

0:24:160:24:17

To the station?

0:24:200:24:22

To the station.

0:24:220:24:23

I'm just really worried about you.

0:24:270:24:29

This morning, I could see that you were upset.

0:24:290:24:31

And then this afternoon, you just weren't there.

0:24:310:24:33

Karen said you that were sick, but she wouldn't say what...

0:24:330:24:37

I just had this feeling, that there was something wrong.

0:24:370:24:41

There is something is wrong, with you.

0:24:410:24:45

I came home to get away from you, and, look, here you are again.

0:24:450:24:49

What's going on in your head?

0:24:490:24:51

I don't know. I'm worried about you.

0:24:510:24:55

That doesn't give you the right to sit out here, stalking me all night.

0:24:550:24:59

I'm not stalking. I'm not.

0:24:590:25:01

I would never do anything like that.

0:25:010:25:03

The moment that I see your light go out,

0:25:030:25:05

the moment that I know that you're safe, I go.

0:25:050:25:08

You mean you've done this before?

0:25:110:25:13

How many times?

0:25:150:25:17

I just want to look after you.

0:25:200:25:22

You think that makes it better,

0:25:220:25:23

making out it's some kind of favour to me?

0:25:230:25:26

You think I should be grateful for you making my life hell?

0:25:260:25:29

That's not what I want. Of course, it's not...

0:25:290:25:31

I want... I don't know what I want...

0:25:310:25:34

I want... I want...

0:25:360:25:39

I want you.

0:25:390:25:40

This stops, now.

0:25:480:25:52

This...obsession with me.

0:25:520:25:55

I have no feelings for you, none at all, except pity and revulsion.

0:25:570:26:03

-You don't mean that.

-I think you're pathetic. Pathetic and disgusting.

0:26:030:26:08

Yeah, course you do.

0:26:080:26:10

Making a woman feel like this. Have you any idea how scared I've been?

0:26:100:26:14

Do you get off on it or something?

0:26:160:26:17

Does it make you feel big?

0:26:170:26:20

You don't understand.

0:26:200:26:21

If you ever do anything like this again,

0:26:210:26:25

I'm going to Howard to make a formal complaint.

0:26:250:26:27

Do you understand?

0:26:290:26:30

I'm sorry.

0:26:400:26:41

What are you going to be when you grow up then, eh?

0:27:080:27:10

A naturalist? A philosopher?

0:27:100:27:12

Or is it still a doctor?

0:27:120:27:13

Can't I be all of them?

0:27:130:27:14

There are an infinite number of universes, almost identical to ours.

0:27:140:27:19

At the moment that any event in our universe takes place,

0:27:190:27:23

another universe is created where that event happens differently...

0:27:230:27:28

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0:27:330:27:35

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