A Slight Misunderstanding Doctors

MUSIC: "Road To Nowhere" by Talking Heads

# But we don't know where we've been

# And we know what we're knowing

# But we can't say what we've seen

# And we're not little children

# And we know what we want... #

PHONE RINGS

Aren't you supposed to be in Morocco?

Mauritius. Yeah. Still waiting for my mates to turn up.

Just wanted to double-check -

you sure you don't want to stay at mine while I'm away?

That's very sweet of you but, honestly, I'm fine.

-DOORBELL BUZZES

-I have to go.

OK, enjoy - where was it again?

Mauritius.

Bye!

You ready to go, mate?

Mate, I was born ready.

Midlands Med School Meat-Heads on Tour. Thailand 2011.

Vegas 2012.

-BOTH:

-Mauritius 2013. Total devastation!

-Where's Noel?

-Noel's not here.

What? He's party leader.

Club rules clearly state, the leader gets here first.

Yeah, it's a bit stupid seeing as we agreed to meet here,

and he does have to travel from the Outer Hebrides or wherever.

It's only Glasgow. This is not good enough.

That boy's a serious risk.

Perhaps we should have skipped his turn and let me be leader again.

Give him a chance, Benny. You know, he's sorted it all out.

He's planned it all.

You know, there's no reason to assume that he'll muck it up.

No reason except he's Noel Butterfield.

And...and he's got a girlfriend.

No? Who?

He wouldn't tell me her name. Got very cagey.

Gave me serious cause for concern.

Oh hold on, he's not going to try and bring her with, is he?

What, and risk breaking rule number seven - instant expulsion?

Morning, Al.

Yeah, hiya.

I've been meaning to have a word with you.

Can it wait until I've had a cup of coffee?

Had a little bit of a late one with Jimmi last night.

Were you drowning your sorrows after your break-up with Jackie?

It must have been ever so upsetting for you.

Yeah, well, that's all in the past now. Onwards and...

DOORBELL BUZZES Here he is.

Is he on his own though? Or has he brought along whatshername?

Hey! Here he is. Our beloved leader and he's on his own.

An hour late, Noel. Not good, mate, not good.

Yeah, uh, sorry, I, uh, messed up the timings a bit

so we don't actually have to be anywhere for, like, hours yet.

But I've sussed us a great greasy spoon so we can go and have a nosh.

My treat.

Yeah, Noel. All right, nice one, Noel.

Yeah, we'll line our stomachs before we get on it.

I'd rather have had a lie-in, thanks.

I would've phoned. I just, uh, forgot.

But look, I've got everything else sorted.

All our documentation, printed T-shirts,

I've even downloaded us some box sets

for us to watch when we're hungover.

Hey, good job, come on, Benny.

Yeah, all right, fair enough.

Mine's a full English, with all the trimmings. Yeah?

-What's wrong with you?

-Mate, I think

I might've pulled a muscle doing that sponsored bike ride last week.

It's been aching ever since.

Where was this sponsored bike ride?

Arizona. It was one of those company things, morale-booster.

Probably cost more to fly us out there than we actually raised.

But it's definitely something muscular though, I think...

-It's DVT.

-You are kidding.

-He can't fly.

It didn't always look like that, honestly. It could be anything.

Dermatitis!?

How long have we got before we have to get there?

Oh, ages. Bags of time.

Long enough to get to St Phil's? Get a fit-to-fly diagnosis?

Maybe. Or maybe not.

You know what waiting times are like.

But let's stay positive, eh, lads?

If it is DVT, then we've saved your life.

But let's get to St Phil's and find out.

And whilst he's there, we've got time to find a replacement,

just in case.

Oi! Now you're not taking your missus in my place.

Rule number one - no girls allowed.

That is not what I meant.

I just wondered if you had a mate around here

that might fancy a holiday?

I love the food on planes.

Kevin was planning on blagging his way into business class.

Wonder what the food's like on there?

They have the best-looking staff, I remember that much.

Right, back to the wart-freezing.

-See you later.

-See ya.

Sorry, mate, you can't come in here.

Yeah, it's OK, he's with me.

I'm party leader.

Yeah. Noel, Jimmi - Jimmi, Noel. Do you want to go to Mauritius?

-Yeah. Who doesn't want to go to Mauritius?

-Top man. See I told you we'd do it.

OK. Give Howard a call. Tell him it's an emergency.

Say one of our mates has got DVT

and if he can't make the flight, we're a man down.

-Slow down, mate. I can't go today.

-Just call him here, I'll ask him.

No, no, no, I mean, I need time to plan, you know, well in advance. Thanks, but no, thanks.

-Maybe Mandy would be up for it?

-No, no ladies, sorry. Club rules.

Not even gay ones?

Uh, not sure we've got a rule for them. Kevin?

No, no girls of any persuasion.

No, I can just picture her now, liberating all the hot chicks.

No, we'll have to think of someone else.

No, it won't work, I've just thought - the malaria meds

and all that stuff. No-one else can take Benny's place.

Good thinking, party leader.

But you don't need malaria meds for Mauritius.

I have all the documentation in my dossier.

-Didn't you check?

-It's not my job. He's party leader.

Here you go. All my research.

Noel, this is a list for Mauritania.

Uh?

You haven't booked a trip to Mauritania, have you?

Might've done. Why, is that bad?

Here we go..."Mauritania. Not to be confused with Mauritius."

There, see. It's easily done.

"An Islamic Republic in West Africa. The Foreign...

"The Foreign Office warns of terrorism, kidnapping,

"human rights abuses.

"Travel is not advised unless absolutely essential."

We do really need a holiday.

Not in the middle of a danger zone!

Great work, party leader. Thanks a bunch.

MUSIC: "Road To Nowhere by Talking Heads

But you can still get your money back on

non-refundable tickets, can't you?

If I made a mistake.

What if I buy the cancellation insurance now, then cancel?

What are you...?

Hello, is there any way whatsoever that we can get our money

back on our tickets?

Yeah, right. Thank you. Goodbye.

So what did she say?

Kevin?

You know, I'm trying to figure out if you've always been this stupid

or if being in love has completely fried your brains.

Well, she's not in love with me.

She left me.

Were you just in my room?

No. Well, yeah, I was, but I wasn't doing anything funny.

So why would you lie about it?

You see, I was up to no good. Sorry.

Oh. Right.

Are you OK, Jas?

If you need someone to talk to...

I... I don't - thank you, I'm fine.

I just need to get on.

I really needed to get away. I needed you and Benny.

I wanted it to be the best.

Noel, why didn't you say something? Extenuating circumstances, mate!

I'll make it work. Do whatever it takes.

I'm not going to let Prudence ruin this for us.

Sorry? What...what did you say her name was?

No wonder you didn't tell us about her.

How about I get some lunch?

I always think better when I'm walking.

Yeah, that was always your excuse for skipping lectures.

There's medical evidence for it. Blood flow and stuff.

You stay here and I'll come back with some butties

and a brilliant plan about how to get us out of this mess.

PATIENT SNEEZES

Sorry for the hold-up, I've just got to find some...

PATIENT SNEEZES

Um..

Sorry. I'm just coming.

Hi.

Is there a problem, Dr Granger?

-Is it my outfit?

-No, you look...breathtaking.

Oh, well, thank you.

I borrowed it from a friend of mine - Mrs Beccles.

She lives on my street.

She was quite the golfing sensation in her day.

I'm sure she was.

Right, we better get going. Ladies first.

Thank you. Oh, no, no, no. I have my own balls.

Mrs Beccles gave it me.

-She thought it might bring me luck.

-OK.

Have you got a tee?

Oh, yes, thank you indeed, we had tea and cakes before I left her.

No, no - a tee.

Ah, I knew there was something not quite right.

-Not the only thing.

-Excuse me.

-Nothing.

Shall I... Shall I take your handbag for you?

Oh... Thank you.

-Won't be a minute guys.

-No, no, no.

You take as long as you want, Dr Granger.

I want to learn everything.

Oh...just...

Oh, right, thank you.

SHE SOBS

KNOCK ON DOOR

Leave me alone!

Jas?

Sorry, Karen, I'm just not feeling very well.

Must've caught that bug that's going around.

-Do you want to go home?

-I can't.

You can't work like this.

And you've seen all your patients for this morning.

I'll run it by Howard, go home, get some rest.

There's no way you can go to Mauritania, Kevin.

Do you know how homophobic it is out there?

Why, what's that got to do with us? Hold on.

You don't think that they'll think that me and Noel are...?

No, but, by going there, you're endorsing it, aren't you?

And all the other rights abuses.

Unless, you're going there to make a difference.

I'm sure there's loads of charities that could use the help of three medics.

It's a holiday, not a humanitarian mission.

I get more than enough of that here, at work, thank you very much.

No, I need some ME time.

I need to go out on the lash. You know, lose the plot.

Pull.

If it's not Mauritius, it'll have to be a cheap flight to Magaluf.

Do you think your other mate will be OK to fly?

I'll tell you in a sec. Benny, talk to me, baby.

Have you got a tee?

What? Already? We're only at hole number two.

I am only joking!

It is a silly name for it, anyway.

Perhaps we should think of something a little more sensible.

It's called a tee.

And this is the second hole, not hole number two.

There is so much to learn.

Yeah, I tried telling Zara it's not everyone's idea of fun.

You-you misunderstand me. I am not complaining.

On the contrary, I enjoy a challenge.

So do I, but there are limits.

Excuse me, Dr Granger?

It's just - I thought you were into more sort of churchy things.

You do not think that church is as challenging as this?

As much as I study and strive, there is always something new to learn.

Oh!

I'm not sure they're comparable.

What - you do not think people are devoted to golf?

I have seen them here, day in, day out, rain or shine,

feeling elation, despair, tranquillity.

It fills their lives, it gives them purpose.

A place to belong.

I suppose so. I hadn't thought of it like that.

Oh, Dr Granger, that was wonderful.

Really?

Very good, Dr Granger, very good.

Sorry I took so long. I've been having a big think,

and I've had a brainwave about how to fix this.

It'll cost a bit more, but I can cover it

and we'll get tickets to somewhere like Magaluf, if Benny's leg is...

It's not better. He has DVT, he can't fly anywhere.

Which you'd know, if you'd remember to turn on your phone.

Face it, Noel, we're not going anywhere.

Maybe you and me could still go to Mauritania.

Maybe it's all right.

And maybe I'd rather stay in Letherbridge and look after Benny, thanks.

Face it, Noel, you're on your own and I'm sorry,

but you've only yourself to blame.

Fair enough, mate. I'll, eh, send you a postcard.

If-if they do postcards.

And if I don't get killed, or kidnapped.

CAR ENGINE APPROACHING

ENGINE STOPS

CAR DOOR SHUTS

DOG BARKS

DOG BARKS

It must be here. Nothing simply disappears.

It really doesn't matter, Mrs Tembe.

It matters to me. If something is worth doing well... PHONE RINGS

-Sorry. Hello.

-Having fun?

'Not really, no.'

She's having a crisis of faith on the back nine.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, I'm not kidding either.

Everything can be found, you just have to work hard to find it.

I could kill you for getting me involved with this.

Kill me? You should thank me.

-This is your speciality, isn't it? Helping damsels in distress.

-'Well, you know what.'

First of all, she's not my kind of damsel. And...

spiritual matters aren't my strong suit.

She wants to learn golf, not transcendental meditation.

'Just be sweet to her.'

You know how to make all kinds of damsels happy, don't you?

-Yeah, I suppose so...

-Well, just get on with it

cos you need to be at that kids' football match by seven.

Hello?

I am so sorry. It is completely lost.

Well, you know what?

The way you got to think of it is that your despair at losing it

will be somebody else's elation, when they find it.

Half my stock of golf balls was somebody else's once,

and vice-versa.

That's how it works.

Really? So, nothing is ever totally lost?

Exactly.

Karma. That's why it's called a round...of golf.

Well, yes, I did not see it like that before

but that makes a great deal of sense.

You're doing really well, OK, so drop out.

Oh...thank you, Dr Granger. I was beginning to doubt myself.

Well, we all have our doubts, Mrs Tembe.

But that's when you need to keep going.

Come on, only two more holes.

A student nurse? How did you manage that?

Well, you know,

impressed her with tales of my charity fundraising efforts.

And the size of my pay packet, obviously.

Well, you're all sorted. Holiday in Letherbridge.

Student nurse digs.

Yeah, actually, I was wondering if maybe we could just crash here for the week?

She's only got a single bed

and I need space, you know, to stretch the leg out.

Yeah. Maybe I should have gone with Noel.

Do you think he'll be all right, out there on his own?

-He's got to learn somehow.

-Do you think he can though?

Do you know what? If my leg were better, I'd probably go after him.

Would you?

Rule number four - never let down your fellow members.

But that's why I'm here with you, otherwise I'd be letting you down.

I'll be well looked after, mate, don't you worry.

It's Noel who needs help.

Besides what's the worst that could happen - you have a rubbish holiday?

You get bombed, properly, by terrorists?

Look, he's a mate though. You know?

Yeah.

Call Noel. Tell him not to get on that plane.

Hole number...

The 18th hole.

I did not think we would ever get here.

Me too!

Guys, give her a little bit of space, would you?

Fore!

No, no...

Is that what you say - fore? I saw it on the TV once...

That's a hole in one! That...that's a hole in one!

Really? No, really? How did I do that?

Well, beginner's luck.

No, no, no. It was not luck.

No, I had an excellent teacher.

Now you watch, watch Dr Granger get a hole in one.

That's amazing.

I was just...

Oh, yes, a shame. It's a shame.

You can do it, he can do it again.

It's a shame.

MOBILE PHONE BUZZES

The muppet still hasn't switched his phone on.

Maybe he's already on the plane.

You've got to get the next flight out there, mate. He can't be left alone.

Kevin? Mandy said it had all gone pear-shaped. D'you fancy a pint?

Change of plans, mate. I'm going to Mauritania.

-You're joking.

-I know, sad but true. I've got to dash.

You can't, mate. I checked it out

just to be sure I was right about the meds.

You need a visa to get there. The embassy's in Paris,

so I'm assuming none of you have got a visa?

-As soon as he lands, they'll send him straight back again.

-We've got to try and stop him.

Do you want a lift to the airport.

Yeah, cheers, mate.

-Go on, hop in, there's more legroom in the back.

-Come on. Come on.

No.

It was quite easy, in fact,

once I realised I did not have to try so hard.

I think that was Dr Granger's problem, on those first few swings.

Listen, I better go otherwise I'm going to miss the match.

Oh. Are you not going to stay for a drink, to celebrate my hole...

Oh, yeah, thank you. ..in one?

No. You've got plenty of new friends to celebrate with,

besides you're buying.

-I beg your pardon?

-Well, it's a clubhouse rule.

If you get a hole-in-one, you buy the drinks. Is that right?

Yeah.

Oh, if you, er...

What?

-For all of these people?

-Mm-hm.

Do you think they might they take a cheque?

No.

But you know what, they will... They will take this.

Oh, no, I-I-I-I could not.

I insist. On one condition.

You never play golf with me ever again.

That is a deal. I should quit while I am ahead.

Yep.

Although, it has been an enlightening experience.

Yeah, you can say that again. Have fun.

Cheers, guys.

Thank you, Dr Granger.

Well, a round of drinks...

You see, "a round of drinks" - "a round of golf".

Please, have whatever you want - I am not paying.

No, no, no, I am just joking!

You...you fellas...

Noel, how many times have I told you? Stop turning off your phone!

Sorry. I didn't think anybody'd be phoning me.

We're coming to meet you at the airport.

Uh, I'm not at the airport. I'm at the train station.

Well, you can't get a train to Mauritania.

I'm getting a train to Paris, to get the visa from the embassy.

Then the flights are from Paris to Mauritania.

Wow. You've really put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?

I might've got the destination a bit mixed up,

but everything else is planned out. I was party leader.

Get out of the car.

Get out of the car, Al!

What do you think you're doing?

OK, look, I'll tell you what.

Don't get on a train till we get there.

You're coming to Mauritania?

No! No-one's going to Mauritania.

'We'll try and sell the tickets at the embassy,

'to anyone who wants to go to Mauritania.'

We will party in Paris.

So, can Benny come? If we're not flying?

Well, the nurse has told him to stay put,

but he'll be fine in Letherbridge, trust me.

I haven't booked a hotel for us in Paris.

Yeah, well, we'll wing it. You know, both be party leader.

Could we? That'd be much less stressful.

We are on our way, mate.

Nice one.

To the station?

To the station.

I'm just really worried about you.

This morning, I could see that you were upset.

And then this afternoon, you just weren't there.

Karen said you that were sick, but she wouldn't say what...

I just had this feeling, that there was something wrong.

There is something is wrong, with you.

I came home to get away from you, and, look, here you are again.

What's going on in your head?

I don't know. I'm worried about you.

That doesn't give you the right to sit out here, stalking me all night.

I'm not stalking. I'm not.

I would never do anything like that.

The moment that I see your light go out,

the moment that I know that you're safe, I go.

You mean you've done this before?

How many times?

I just want to look after you.

You think that makes it better,

making out it's some kind of favour to me?

You think I should be grateful for you making my life hell?

That's not what I want. Of course, it's not...

I want... I don't know what I want...

I want... I want...

I want you.

This stops, now.

This...obsession with me.

I have no feelings for you, none at all, except pity and revulsion.

-You don't mean that.

-I think you're pathetic. Pathetic and disgusting.

Yeah, course you do.

Making a woman feel like this. Have you any idea how scared I've been?

Do you get off on it or something?

Does it make you feel big?

You don't understand.

If you ever do anything like this again,

I'm going to Howard to make a formal complaint.

Do you understand?

I'm sorry.

What are you going to be when you grow up then, eh?

A naturalist? A philosopher?

Or is it still a doctor?

Can't I be all of them?

There are an infinite number of universes, almost identical to ours.

At the moment that any event in our universe takes place,

another universe is created where that event happens differently...

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