False Friend Doctors

LAUGHTER

So, he...he's sat on the floor, on a mat, right?

And I say to him,

"Now, you clench the muscles that you use to stop yourself from peeing.

"Can you do that for me?"

And he says, "Yes." And he does it.

And then I say to him, "Right, now, can you get

"as close as you can to touching your toes, can you do that for me?"

He says, "Yes." And he does it. And then I say, "Right, now, lean back."

And he does...

And then...

I can't even say it.

He...whoosh on my mat.

Yeah. Completely soaked through.

And he looks at me and he says, "Oh, I'm sorry,

"was I supposed to keep them clenched?" I'm like...

Any chance of keeping it down?

I'm on earlies.

Sorry. Me too.

Er, Mattie.

Will.

-What do you do, Will?

-I'm a nurse apprentice.

-At Thornwell?

-Yeah.

Snap. I'm a physio.

So what does a nurse apprentice actually do?

Look, I know what everyone thinks

but I pretty much do everything a student nurse does. Everything a nurse does.

Let's face it, I run this place.

It would fall apart without me.

I can't give meds,

but I can check a patient's blood pressure,

take their temperature, give them their meals, that kind of thing.

Even if they're not feeling better, make them feel better.

Keep everybody happy.

Like Maria,

she fell down the stairs, hit her head, got a brain injury

that means she's fully conscious but incapable of speech or movement.

I don't know if she can hear me,

but it doesn't stop me talking to her.

And then there's Ronald.

He used to dance with the Liverpool Ballet.

Now he teaches dance.

Yesterday, he told us to how to do some ballroom moves.

Apparently I'm a natural.

So, are you going to show me, then?

Show you what?

Your ballroom moves.

I can't do them on my own.

So which dance did he talk you through?

-The waltz.

-OK, then.

You're leading.

Sorry, force of habit.

-You dance a lot, do you?

-Yeah, a bit. Ronald's right.

You are a natural.

I've got to get some sleep.

-You said.

-I'm on earlies.

You said. Me too.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Oh, God, I'm dreading it. Why did we agree?

I've been through it myself, it's a formality.

And he's here! Finally.

So, er, thank you all for coming.

Shouldn't that be both?

Come on then, why have you dragged us in early?

Because I have come up with a three-point plan that will end,

for good and all, the evening appointment timewasters problem.

-Is it really a problem?

-Yes.

It's really a problem, Jimmi.

A - appointments that only GPs can give out.

Two - more emergency appointments at the end of the usual working day

and finally and, most importantly, some kind of feedback scenario

where I can tell timewasters that they are wasting my time!

I can't see how that's going to work.

-Oh, it's going to work.

-Me neither.

It's going to work!

And, er, I am about to demonstrate exactly how.

OK, so this is everyone.

Two have called in sick and there's no agency cover.

Plus everything's got to be done right.

Adrian Coleman's doing the ward round.

Will? Adrian Coleman.

Yeah.

Who is he?

I don't know.

He's the best orthopaedic surgeon in Liverpool.

And even though every orthopaedic surgeon in Liverpool

thinks they're the best orthopaedic surgeon in Liverpool,

break your leg, it's Mr Coleman you'll want fixing it.

-Right.

-So let's be at our best, OK?

OK.

And that goes for all of you.

So go and get a cup of tea, and a sandwich for later,

then roll your sleeves up and graft for Thornwell, Prince Harry and England.

Go, go, go!

Dr Haskey, I presume?

Oh, welcome, Mr Bond. Please, take a seat.

Seriously?!

Actually it's, er, it's Commander Bond.

Yeah, yeah, all right, we get it.

Course it is, Commander, my apologies.

So, so, what seems to be the, er, the problem?

It's funny but, er,

recently I've been having a little bit of trouble, er, sleeping.

-You know what, I've got work to do.

-Bu, bu, bu.

Is that so? Well, erm, have you tried having a drink before you go to bed?

You know, they say that a dry martini can work wonders. Shaken...

But not stirred.

Or you could, erm,

you could try taking a beautiful woman to bed with you?

I'm sure you enjoy the company of beautiful women.

Well, I can't say I've ever objected, Alistair.

I'm sure you haven't?

Ha, ha, ha! Neither do I!

Hush, hush, hush, hush, hush.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't think that Commander Bond had quite finished.

Right fine! I'll speed it up.

So, er, is there anything else?

Well, actually, there is.

I'm not feeling myself lately.

I'm just a, I'm just a little bit down.

OK, and, what do you want me to do about that?

Well, I don't think there is anything you can do.

I just, er, I just wanted to come in for a chat.

You just wanted to come in for a chat?!

So you thought you would come and see your really busy GP?

-Yeah, I think that's what it is... Erm, next, next patient.

-NO!

-No! No more.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold your horses. It's going to be Roger Moore.

-No!

-Right, Fine.

You know what? I think I've done enough.

On that point, ladies and gent, of the jury, I, er, I rest my case.

He got us in just for that?

And he says that he's the one having his time wasted.

You made it home then?

Oh, yeah. I waltzed all the way.

With no-one to lead you?

How is he? Your dancer?

Great.

-And the girl?

-The same.

What's she on orthopaedics for?

She broke her leg.

-Never rains...

-I know.

Erm, I'd better get my coffee and get back.

The consultant's coming down.

Which one?

-Coleman.

-He's good.

I do rehab on his patients.

-Maybe you'll get to see Ronald and Maria?

-Yeah, maybe.

I'm more interested in seeing you again.

I never took your number.

-I never gave it to you.

-Are you going to?

Give me yours. I'll call you.

You'd better write it down for me.

No mobiles while we're working.

Right.

I don't have any paper.

Thank you.

And...I don't have a pen.

Right then, a morning walk.

And what a lovely morning it is for it.

Someone's in a good mood.

Yeah, I met someone.

A friend of a friend.

A physio.

-You're smitten, aren't you?

-I don't want to jinx it.

Oh, forget jinxing it.

Seize the day! I did...

..with Marshall.

He was my partner for 65 years.

-65?

-Hmm.

We met while doing National Service.

It was a bit difficult then.

My career as a dancer was drifting away.

But I had Marshall.

And when I got out of the Army, I still had dancing.

Even if it was in the chorus.

That's enough for now, you'd better sit back down.

-William?

-Yes, Ronald?

I'm not going to dance again, am I?

You've just had your hip replaced.

What about teaching?

You talked me through the waltz. That was a big hit.

Yes, but I need to show people.

-Could you show me some other dances?

-What?

When you get out of here? I'll come round.

You can show me through all the others,

the foxtrot, salsa, American smooth.

-Nurse Hurran?

-I won't be a minute.

I did say no time for chatting.

I'm not chatting, I'm putting Ronald's mind at ease.

It's chatting.

-So what was Marshall like then?

-Oh! Difficult.

Tortured by the fact that I had all the talent.

Is that right?

But wonderful.

When he died last year,

I almost lost the will to carry on.

But you do, don't you?

Carry on.

Seize the day.

There you go, Mr Armitage, your taxi has arrived.

He lives alone.

-No-one to pick him up.

-Good of you to help him out.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind living alone.

Couldn't agree more. You don't have to compromise on anything.

Exactly. Eat what you want, when you want.

Absolutely. Do you want to go to lunch later?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.

What do you think? Shall I call him?

I told him about you.

He's a physio.

We're going to get you better.

Me and him and Steph and that consultant,

we're all going to do our bit.

Then it's off to neurology and you'll come round here

and look at me and be like, "So, did you call him then or what?"

One day your prince'll come.

And he'll give you a kiss

and everything'll change.

Will?

Ronald needs his lunch.

Ah! How are you, Ronald?

Is it all right if I call you Ronald?

You can call me what you want.

You fixed my hip.

-Replaced it, in fact.

-I've already been out of bed.

I'd have been worried if you hadn't.

It's just a matter of time, until I dance again.

-But we've discussed this.

-Never say never.

Sometimes it's more sensible.

That's not one of my strong points, I'm afraid, being sensible.

But in this case...

..Ronald was the first male principal at the Liverpool Ballet

and taught ballroom dancing for years.

Before I operated.

You even told me how to polish up my quickstep, didn't you?

Well, you're a natural.

I'd show you but you're all far too young to understand.

And I'm far too old to dance.

You are an example to us all.

And this young lady has broken her leg.

And this time, I have fixed it for her.

Anyway, thank you. That was delicious.

-Yeah, it was.

-And very nice to have someone to share it with.

Do you think Mr Armitage has someone to go to lunch with?

Maybe Al's right, maybe he was just calling in for a chat?

Cataracts. But I wouldn't have minded.

You might not, but you're not going to change Al's mind.

Hmm, probably.

Ronald, this is Mattie. Mattie, Ronald.

Forgive me, I've had some bad news.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Matthew's a physiotherapist.

The one I mentioned to you.

I see. Pleased to meet you.

Likewise.

Ronald needs some clarity on what he can and can't do, post op.

OK, no problem.

So you, you had the operation yesterday?

I remember when I first met Marshall.

Ronald was with his partner for 65 years.

65 years?!

I know.

The thought of never seeing him again...

..of never being able to dance.

I thought you could talk to Ronald about some of the other things he could do.

That's why I had to give it up, when I went into the Army.

Never got the definition back.

Muscle tone - gone.

That's something we can work on, today.

That's where I met him.

We went for walks.

In the jungle -

Malaya.

Talking,

Balanchine,

Nureyev,

Carlos Acosta.

Happy times.

Wonderful times.

Ronald?

-Ronald?

-Is he OK?

-Ronald?

-BUZZER BEEPS

Mmm. Well, that was really nice.

I'm still going.

You're not finished yet?

-No.

-You're really getting into this, aren't you?

-Really starting to enjoy it?

-Yeah.

-Well, when you are finished, I'll take that.

-OK.

I don't want to see any left.

Don't worry, there won't be.

And you don't feel like you're missing out? With this healthy food?

Not really.

When you've got a special diet

and everybody else is eating something else?

No.

Oh, come on, Ayesha, I know something's going on.

-I don't know what you mean.

-Just tell me.

-I can't.

-Tell me.

-No.

-Tell me!

Finished.

Will?

Steph? I just heard.

Shame. Nice chap.

He was.

-You need a signature?

-Yes, please.

He just couldn't bear not being able to dance.

-No, he was just old.

-You're probably right.

No point getting sentimental. What a waste of a new hip, eh?

I don't get it. He seemed fine.

-He was old.

-But he was fit.

He had a heart attack. It happens.

I should be getting back.

You haven't got five minutes?

Hey, look, this comes with the job, right?

I just don't think he ever got over Marshall.

Who's Marshall?

His partner.

Weren't you listening?

I'm sorry, I'm knackered as it is.

-Yeah, we both are.

-And now this.

They were together for 65 years.

-Look, I really should be getting back.

-65.

-Can you imagine?

-No, I can't, actually.

I don't think he died of a heart attack.

I think he died of a broken heart.

-I don't think the pm's going to agree with you, Will.

-No.

But, he knew what he wanted to do, didn't he?

And he found someone who understood him.

Isn't that what we are all looking for, in the end?

Yeah.

Look...I have to...

Yeah.

OK, then.

-Will?

-Could you give me five minutes?

What for?

Go and get yourself sorted and get back on the ward.

Don't worry, you did everything right.

Miss Lisbey?

Maria, can you hear me?

I'm the surgeon who operated on your broken leg.

Mr Coleman, Adrian.

All right,

what if your patient did just come in because they were feeling a bit down?

-Surely the point is that they came in.

-No, no. The point is he didn't need to.

-You think he would have bothered if he didn't need to?

-I really do.

What if you're wrong? What if he's not a timewaster?

What if he has, I don't know, some underline mental health condition? Or they're just lonely?

Well, they should get themselves down the pub.

What and become an alcoholic?

Then we'd have to see him all the time. Congratulations.

You have just increased the burden on the NHS tenfold.

Well done, Commander Haskey!

What are you doing?

Feeling her apex beat.

We wouldn't want to lose another one, would we?

You're an orthopaedic surgeon. Why are you checking her apex beat?

I told you, making sure she's still alive.

That's not what it looked like.

Well, that's what it was.

Take it from the clinical lead.

What exactly did you see?

A vulnerable patient being assaulted by Mr Coleman.

By Adrian?

He was feeling her breasts.

-You saw him?

-Yeah.

His hand was under her gown. He said he was feeling her apex beat.

-Why? He's an ortho.

-That's what I said.

He said he was checking her vital signs but her eyes were wide open.

She's just lying there, staring at the ceiling.

We don't know if she can hear us, see us,

and he's...feeling her up.

You're absolutely sure?

Yeah.

-Positive?

-Totally.

How do you know he wasn't doing what he said, feeling her apex beat?

Steph!

-And there's no way you could have been mistaken?

-No.

Not because you were upset?

You were crying in the corridor.

I know what I saw.

Right.

So, what do I do?

Leave it with me.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to find out what happened.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Thanks.

-Valerie?

-I'm a bit busy.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I can't talk.

You deserve to know the truth.

-Do I?

-Yes.

Oh, right then. Well, you can tell me anything,

I'm the soul of discretion.

-Not that it matters if everyone already knows.

-Valerie...

Does everyone already know? Does Al know?

He's hiding it very well if he does know.

He's a closed book, I've always thought, in many ways.

I can't. We're already in enough trouble as it is.

-Who is?

-I can't say.

No, but that's worse - only knowing a little bit.

No, it's not. Trust me. You're better off out of it.

And that's how I feel.

Completely and utterly excluded.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, it's not good enough.

I am sorry, I really am.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

-Stephanie.

-Adrian.

I imagine this is about your nurse.

Nurse apprentice.

What's he saying?

That he saw you molesting a patient.

It's nonsense, obviously.

I was feeling her apex beat.

-Oh.

-Maybe if your nurse apprentice had checked Ronald's...

He had no reason to.

He has no reason to accuse me of touching up patients either

-but it hasn't stopped him doing that.

-Why?

-Why what?

-Why would he?

He's at the start of his career.

Maybe it's just all too much for him.

Why would he jeopardise it by accusing a consultant surgeon?

Because he's young and foolish with no idea of how the world works.

The young rarely do.

They don't know what they have until it's been taken from them.

But you and I know better, don't we?

I'm sorry I off-loaded on you.

-You didn't.

-No, I did.

And then I had a go at Al.

I told him he should take his patients' concerns more seriously.

-What did he say?

-Huh. Not much.

I don't think he really understands the concept of loneliness.

Good thing, probably.

Hmm. What about you? Do you ever...?

-Get lonely? Yeah. Sure.

-And what do you do?

Exercise, meditation.

All the things I couldn't do if I was living with someone.

You can go out when you want, live your life the way you want, buy a drum kit if you want to.

Buy a drum kit? I don't want to buy a drum kit!

If you're missing Sid, why don't you just call him?

-He wouldn't mind.

-No.

I'm just being ridiculous.

Too needy.

-I spoke to Adrian Coleman.

-And?

He's denying it.

Said he was concerned for her after Ronald Harland died.

Well, he's lying.

You know he is. I can see it.

Even if I did,

it's your word against his.

A nurse apprentice against a senior consultant.

Sorry? So, we're just going to let him get away with it?

No. I'll watch him like a hawk.

Watching him won't stop him.

Maybe not.

Trouble is, I'm not sure reporting it will either.

So, we're just going to do nothing,

while he carries on molesting patients?

This is disgusting!

Let me ask you something.

How many times can you watch someone

load the dishwasher incorrectly before you want to rip their head off?

All right, I admit, that can be a little frustrating.

A little frustrating? Look, people shouldn't be confined like that.

-Especially if they work together. Have you seen Ayesha and Valerie lately?

-Hm-hm. That's true.

I used to get on so well with Ayesha.

That's the problem, isn't it? Too well. Too involved.

There's no escape. Look, if I ever got into another relationship,

met someone,

marriage, the whole thing -

-separate houses.

-And what if you have kids?

I'm not going to have kids.

Oh, well, never say never.

I'm not going to have kids. The upheaval.

Yeah, well, there is that.

But, also, let's remember you're not great with mess either.

PHONE RINGS Right. I have surgery.

Hello?

-Uncle Jimmi?

-Will?

I've got myself in a real mess.

I need your help.

Are you going to offer me a beer or what?

Yeah, come on. Come and tell me what's going on.

Let's do the beer first, eh?

I'd love a tour of your bachelor pad.

Looks well smart.

It must be food poisoning.

-What did you eat?

-I don't know.

I can barely remember anything about last night.

She, er, she gets deported tonight.