Playtime Doctors

KNOCKING Hh-hm.

HAMMERING

Ah! Oh.

Right, that's the, er, dodgy floorboard done and both sticky doors.

Ah, thanks, love. But you don't want to spend your whole day off fixing up my place.

I like looking after you.

Oh! Sweaty.

Ah, you like it really.

Anyway, erm...

I was wondering if, er, maybe I should ditch my place.

What, move in?

I mean, we've been together a while now. Seems right?

Course I would need somewhere for office stuff.

Right. You mean... the spare room?

I know, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to push. It's just I want us to have a future.

Maybe even a baby of our own. Unless...you don't.

No. No, I do.

OK. Yeah.

-Maybe it is time.

-Yeah?

So, Jimmi, have you heard anything from Mrs Tembe today?

Er, not yet.

She's on her way back from the Campus, apparently.

-And swanning off to Botswana in days.

-Which is why she's busy.

Which is why we should have heard about her replacement before now.

Daniel and I told her that she had our full confidence...

I miss one meeting.

-..in finding someone suitable, so I'm sure she will.

-When?

Oh, look, I've got to take Joe to a dentist appointment.

But I should have been consulted and had a veto.

But now Mrs Tembe's gone radio silent which is highly suspicious, and you're just

acting weirdly relaxed.

-Yeah, what have you been up to?

-I had Will over, for the weekend.

-Oh, your nephew?

-Yeah, did I tell you he was a nurse-apprentice?

-No.

-Yeah, he's a good laugh as well.

So, it's been a bit of a blur of beer and fast food and late nights.

Oh, dear, you are going to be swimming in toxins.

Luckily though, I'm sourcing some organic seaweed at lunchtime, so I'll pick you up some extra.

Oh, organic seaweed! That just made your day.

I'm looking forward to my toxins - an afternoon spent wine-tasting.

So, a weekend of debauchery?

And then you stay up until dawn clearing up, right?

No, no. I'm trying this new approach. So, erm, the beer bottles

and the pizza boxes, they just lay where they fell.

And now my place looks a lot more like your place.

As it should be!

Yeah, will do.

Joanne Webber, would you like to go through to Dr Carter? He's ready.

Have you seen the hole punch?

Ooh, hang on.

-Buttons! They haven't always been there, have they?

-No.

Yeah.

BUZZING

Press it again.

Come on, let's do this.

I'll see what other bad habits I can push on to you.

You've got plenty to choose from, haven't you?

-Will! What are you doing here? This is Will.

-I just called into St Phil's about my transfer.

-Yeah?

-Which is looking...positive.

So I thought I'd drop in, see how Uncle Jimmi rolls.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, can I get a rewind?

-Uncle Jimmi?!

-Rein it in.

Erm, could you grab a coffee till lunch?

-And you're going to have to wait for another time to corrupt me.

-Oh, no worries, Uncle Jimmi.

Yeah, easy, walk away.

Hm-hmm.

Yeah.

Think that's OK...

Yes, as I said before, the IUD

can stay in for about ten years providing you don't have any issues.

Erm, actually...

..I wanted to ask, would I have any problems if I did have it taken out?

-Do you mean fertility problems?

-Yes.

Well, you've been signed off by the oncologist...

-Yeah, all clear.

-You weren't on any chemotherapy.

No.

I think if the IUD is removed, normal fertility will be resumed

with the caveat that it gets a bit harder as one gets older.

-Yes.

-Then you have been pregnant before?

-Yes.

-How did that go?

Erm...

I lost her.

-My daughter, Charlotte.

-Um...

-Was this during pregnancy?

-No, erm...

No, it was in her teens.

-Was it a genetic problem?

-No.

Look, I'm sorry, it was a long time ago

and I really don't want to talk about it.

So, if we could just...

Yes, well, if you need the IUD removed, please make an appointment.

Yes. Will do. Thank you, doctor.

Um, ah. That one's not wired up yet.

Ah!

-You're going to wear that out!

-Bye then!

Thank you.

-Oh!

-Ah, you have found my secret button.

And my note.

I was hoping that you would not touch anything

until I had a chance to brief you.

The green button is to lock and unlock the door.

For safety and security reasons, when we have evening surgery

and minimal staff.

Er, you will be pleased to hear that I am addressing all

the security issues, under the guidance of Sergeant Hollins.

So, hopefully, there should be no further concerns.

Because of your secret button?

Well, yes.

Yes, and I have organised a role-playing workshop

with a trainer this lunchtime.

Now? I've got plans.

-And me.

-Lunch will be provided.

Role-play!

You said it was an invaluable exercise with Dr Reid and Dr Clay.

It was then, with them,

but not as some box-ticking jolly for the receptionists.

A jolly? In my lunch break?

It is an NHS initiative.

You yourself highlighted the dangers of receptionists

having to deal with problematic patients, did you not?

-Did I?

-I had to organise it quickly before my trip to Botswana.

Yes, speaking of which, what about your stand-in?

It is all in hand.

Once I have crossed the T's and dotted the I's.

Yes, but who is it?

It is no-one you know.

Mind you, I suppose role-play could be quite fun.

So what does this other button do?

No, no. That is to alert the police.

SIREN BLARES

-Off to your wine tasting?

-Er, yeah.

Ah, right, I'm all yours!

Oh, er, Heston, Ayesha, this is my nephew, Will.

Oh, hi. Heston Carter.

Oh, yeah. How's life on the fast track?

-Fast track?

-Your, er, nurse-apprenticeship, thingy.

Bit like proper nursing, isn't it but without all the real stuff?

No, it's just the new way of training.

You know, without all that outdated stuff.

Oh, OK, junior. Well, erm, how about I give you a tour of the surgery?

Show you what a real, grown-up nurse does.

You're on.

Fine. He's house-trained.

-Not what I've heard.

-I'll get some sandwiches in.

-Something wrong?

-Erm...

Well, I've just seen a patient who said she lost her daughter,

but there's no record of the daughter beyond the age of 15.

Maybe she just ran away. You know what teenage girls are like.

Yeah, but she was very insistent on the loss,

but there's no record of the death of a Charlotte Webber.

Which is, erm, a little bit odd.

Hey...

Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

I just... I wanted to talk.

Just once.

Please.

I am so sorry.

But at least we know that the button actually works.

Role-play! It's... it's a waste of my time.

It's a box-ticking exercise because of our old friend evening appointments.

It's probably some dried up old stick with halitosis.

All right.

Er, this is Mr Scotty.

He will be doing the role-play with you this afternoon.

Ladies. A pleasure.

Oh, no, the pleasure's all ours!

Been looking forward to this, haven't we?

Oh, yes, all morning.

PHONE RINGS

What's it regarding?

Cos, we can't help you unless you can say what's wrong.

HE SCREECHES

-You got an appointment?

-I've got a headache!

Well then, stop banging!

I am Mrs Wilberforce, I have an urgent appointment.

OK, well, if you would like to take a seat.

-Oi!

-No!

-She said take a seat!

Er, Mrs Wilberforce, the doctor will see you now.

OK, so you've got a headache?

HE CACKLES

Hello, sweetheart. Where's your mummy?

I am Ms Wilberforce, Scotty's mummy.

Right, well, will you try and control him, please?

Unfortunately I cannot control him.

As the doctor said, if it gets any worse just go straight to A&E, OK?

-Give us a bite?

-Get off!

BUZZER DRONES

Hi, Scotty! Why don't you and I fly off to the play area together?

-Come on!

-BOTH: Neeoow!

Yes, very good.

-No, no, no. Let him out. Safety issue.

-Oh.

BUZZER DRONES

I think we should pretend to press the button

to avoid any further emergency services involvement.

Red button - buzz.

Nee-nah, nee-nah, nee-nah.

Very good.

Very good indeed.

-Oh, hiya. Er...

-Yeah? Can I help you with something?

I was just looking for...

..Jo. Is she in?

-What's it about?

-Just a chat.

-It's not a good time.

-Then, when?

-She just said it's not a good time.

-No, no. It's all right.

-No it isn't.

-You can't just wander in, like you live here.

-Please.

You'd better go.

She said get out.

What's your problem?

I'm her son!

You what...?

Please, just go!

Your son?

Oh, excuse me. I'm looking for a Jo Webber?

Er, yeah. It's probably not a good time.

Oh, I see. Sorry, you are...

-Her son.

-Ah.

Dr Carter.

Wasn't there a daughter,

-Charlotte?

-Yeah, years ago.

But I'm...Chas now.

-Grub up.

-Mmm, nice.

-Hungry work, this baby-sitting.

-Eh, this baby needs feeding.

-How's it going?

-He seems to know one end of a thermometer from the another, so...

Never doubted it.

Yeah, I came out at 15, which was...

..hard.

Still felt trapped.

Couldn't even change my name until I was 16.

Ah...that explains the records.

Yeah, Mum. She just went straight into denial.

So, I went straight out the door.

Yeah, I thought, by now, she might have come round.

Every year, I...

..I reach out, on my birthday.

But there's nothing there.

So, I decided, this time would be my last.

So much for many happy returns.

She's still your mother.

How come you're here anyway?

-Is she OK?

-I'm really can't say.

But why this lie about Charlotte?

You could have just told me that she was...

-..that he was...

-I know, I'm sorry.

I thought she'd died!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Don't!

Mum, I just...

Oh, she's already told you twice, so just leave.

Oh! That looks painful.

We need to get something cold on this.

No, of course. Come in.

-Straight through there.

-Through here?

-Yeah.

You have just seen the doctor.

I want to see a different one!

I'm afraid there's nobody else on duty.

What sort of GPs doesn't have doctors?!

-I can make you another appointment.

-Right, I'll see him again then!

Oh, no, you don't! He's in there with someone else.

-Well, get him out here now!

-Oh. OK.

Buzz.

Nee-nah, nee-nah, nee nah.

I am WPC Wilberforce.

-That was fast!

-What seems to be the problem here?

This gentleman is causing a disturbance

because we won't let him go and see the doctor again.

Get out of my way! Ah! Argh!

Please...I'm sorry

Mr Scotty, I am arresting you for breach of the peace.

It's just, he said it was terminal.

What am I supposed to tell my kids?

Frozen peas, anything from the freezer will do.

-Have a seat.

-I could take him down the hospital.

-You're not getting rid of me that easily.

-OK, I don't think it's broken.

Argh... Are you ill?

-No.

-Then why's the doctor here?

You don't have to do this. I can take...

Keep it elevated.

I can sort it.

By it do you mean me?

I can't do this.

I've made it worse, haven't I?

It's not your fault.

It's mine. I lied.

To you, to Andy.

How am I going to explain that to her.

Him. It's been years, now.

I don't even know him.

You two need to talk, in private

That last one was really good.

-Good.

-Yeah, but I was thinking, maybe,

maybe we should have given it more time to try

and calm things down, before going for the button.

Good! I am glad that you found the exercise useful.

Well, that was the last of Mrs Tembe's prepped examples.

But, er, I am still on the clock.

So, if there's anything else you'd like to workshop, then...?

Oh, yes, loads, isn't there? Erm...

..dealing with tricky co-workers.

Erm... being at the beck and call of dismissive doctors.

-And managers.

-And managers.

Erm...

Having extra work just dumped on you with no warning.

Yes!

-Hmm.

-Huh.

It's so weird.

It's like looking at someone else's life.

I can't believe you just...

..kept it all.

It's all I've got left now.

My daughter's gone for good.

It wasn't like I had a choice.

You wore dresses, ribbons in your hair!

You played with dolls.

Because you wanted me to!

And I didn't want to let you down.

But it wasn't who I am.

She doesn't want to deal with this...nonsense.

And we're here, faffing about with tea.

I think nonsense is a little bit inappropriate.

Look, we're all born either male or female

bar the odd mistake of nature.

Well, much of what society thinks of as gender - pink, blue, dolls,

rugby - is putting people into rather simplistic categories.

And as someone whose interests are often described as unmanly -

opera, fine wine, nice tea -

I too have often felt something of an outsider.

That I can believe.

You were my baby girl.

You were my whole world.

I gave birth to you.

I fed you.

I kissed you better.

-I dried your tears.

-I know, I was there.

I mean, what happened?

I mean to the white wedding.

You know, maybe having grandkids one day.

Everything I hoped for.

What happened to your mum always being there?

Loving you no matter what.

No, I never stopped loving you.

I just, I needed time, to grieve.

Everything changed in a flash.

Suddenly you, you were gone...

..to somewhere that I couldn't understand.

It was like you'd never been.

Have you had the lot done?

Oh, my baby...

How could you?

It was part of you.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

Wouldn't I?

Cancer?

I'd only just found out when you told me that you were...

I was a mum, a woman...

..and then suddenly nothing.

Mutilated.

Everything that made me me.

Not...complete.

That was how I felt for years.

You know the biggest loss was always you.

That never healed, no matter what.

I'm still here, Mum.

I'm right here.

I still need you.

I haven't changed, not really.

I still hate peas.

You have done very well.

Perhaps we should bring this exercise to a close now.

-But I want you to do the same again...tomorrow...

-No!

-..while standing on your heads and juggling upside-down.

-No!

The power of no!

Well, practice makes perfect!

The power of pointless box-ticking exercises.

And you two... you ticked yourselves right off.

-No!

-You're ticking us off!

The main thing is whether you both feel like you got something out of it.

Oh, yeah, no, definitely. It was quite fun actually, wasn't it?

Yeah. Almost worth missing lunch for.

And I promise that we will put into practice

-everything that we've learned.

-Good.

This was a bad idea.

You saw how vulnerable she is.

She needs me with her, to lean on.

-Well, if she does, I'm sure she'll be happy...

-Yeah, she's not strong.

Andy, there are lots of different kinds of strength.

-Oh, what does that even mean?

-Well...

You know what she's been through!

There's the strength, for example, that women have -

going through childbirth -

and the strength to pursue a difficult path, like Chas.

I dunno about any of that stuff, right?

But I know Jo and she needs me.

Ah. All right, love? Sorted?

-Yeah.

-Good.

Erm...

I was just wondering how you'd feel about

putting the move off.

What?

It's just that, erm,

I'm going to need Chas' room for when he comes to stay.

But what about us? What about our plans?

Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry.

But it's not for ever.

We've still got time, haven't we?

He's my son.

Look, I know that it's a lot for us all to take in.

And maybe we should take some time,

you know, to come to terms with it.

Yeah.

Right you two, drink up.

I've got work to do.

So, you out tonight?

-No.

-Oh, yes.

And there was me all geared up for the hotspots of Letherbridge.

Mmm. I'm not sure he knows any.

There must be one decent bar.

-It's a school night.

-Well, if you're in late in, I'll write you a note.

I know a pub. Does live music on a Monday.

Ooh, someone's going to land Uncle Jimmi on the naughty step.

I'll do me best.

Hey. You...

Look, if you want to chat about...

..anything we could go grab a pint at some point.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Sorry for earlier.

Worrying you like that,

but it wasn't really a lie.

I did lose a daughter.

You know, I had an aunt who died of breast cancer,

she left my cousins without a mum. At least I'm here to try again.

Do you think that if it does run in the family

Chas will have less chance of getting it?

-It's worth investigating. Good luck.

-Thank you.

Nice to...meet you.

So...what now?

I don't know.

But it is your birthday

and that's definitely worth celebrating.

Come on.

About your replacement, Mrs Tembe.

I am afraid I have a mountain of things to organise.

Of which this should be top of the list.

Unless there is some reason you're avoiding telling me who it is.

Of course not.

Good, because however Daniel and Jimmi may have abdicated responsibility,

I still expect to have a say.

Look, my replacement will be coming in to meet the team on Thursday.

By which time it'll be too late to find an alternative!

There is a short list of other candidates, but he is my preferred.

I just want people to have an open mind before they actually meet him.

Open mind? About what?

Well...nothing specific.

It's just that some people can over-react.

Over-react to what?!

He has a slightly different approach.

Look, I am confident that you and the partners will

put your reservations aside and support him fully.

-What does that mean, Mrs Tembe?

-Excuse me.

Mrs Tembe?!

Oh!

I came to examine Mr Harper, and I haven't touched your son.

Get out.

Oh. You look how I feel.

Not when they're talking as much nonsense as you are.

-What?

-All right, That's enough.

I would not want to tell you a name and then have to disappoint you.

But there is a name?

Oh, yes. There is a name.