A Rock and a Hard Place Doctors

BABY CRIES

Please, don't start, please!

Shush!

CRYING CONTINUES

Oh, hiya!

Here for the asthma clinic. Becky Allison.

Let's have a look.

Yeah, do you want to take a seat?

You want a selfie with me or something?

Morning, Karen.

Morning.

Is the kettle still hot? I'd love a brew.

In your dreams!

It was worth a try.

Is there a room free for Will to use?

I need complete peace and quiet.

-He wants to revise.

-Oh.

Becky Allison?

Room three's available.

Wouldn't you be better off at home? It would be much quieter.

I did tell him that.

Well, then I wouldn't be able to pick your brain, would I?

You're still not getting a cup of tea.

PHONE RINGS

Ooh! Hello, Mill Health Centre.

Yeah.

KNOCKING

Ben?

What's going on?

Big breath.

When was your last asthma attack?

I don't know. Ages ago.

Was before my last check-up, anyway.

Well, everything looks good to me. You're good to go.

Thanks.

You seen my phone?

You OK?

Yeah.

Just a bit tired.

Hm. I bet it must be hard to get a good night's sleep.

She is gorgeous, though, isn't she?

Can I get some sleeping pills? I think they'll help.

OK.

Do you mind me asking what your routine's like with her?

It's fine.

Do you sleep when she does?

I'm trying.

And are you getting enough time for yourself?

Time for myself? Right.

I'm on my own.

Oh, right.

Even so, are you sure there isn't anyone who can keep

an eye on her, just for five minutes?

I said no, didn't I?

How long is this going to go on for?

Sorry?

The silent treatment. It's incredibly immature.

Oh, right, and you pretending that you're Columbo isn't?

Have you got any idea how embarrassing it was to pick

you up from the police station?

Yes, it is embarrassing, isn't it?

Oh, I see, you're playing tit-for-tat, are you?

You're the one who called the police on me.

Because you involved Alia! Besides, you weren't going to stop!

Well, pardon me for being a concerned citizen.

Right, so you're happy to carry on until you get arrested again?

I'm not happy about anything.

That is what's going to happen, Heston, if you do carry on.

How does that reflect on you, Heston?

I'm just doing what I think is right.

I know you are, I know.

But I think you're naive.

I think you're naive if you think that you can arrest this man, single-handed.

Because this is real, Heston. He is real.

You don't know what he's like, or what he can do to you.

So can you just, please, just leave it?

And let the police deal with it, please.

Fine.

Thank you.

So, have you told the police about this guy Rick,

or where he might live?

I don't think they're interested in what I have to say.

OK, have you even tried?

They're more interested in warning me about my vigilantism.

OK. So you call them today and you tell them everything,

and then that is the end to it.

I mean it, Heston.

OK.

Thank you.

Yes, dear.

What was all the questions for if you weren't going to give them to me?

So I can refer you to a doctor and then they can decide.

BABY CRIES

Don't you start. Don't!

Where's my stupid phone? I don't believe this!

You put it in your bag.

Don't you remember?

CRYING CONTINUES

Sorry.

I'm just, you know, tired.

I keep forgetting things.

You know, there are loads of people in your situation.

You're not on your own.

There's this group, local group.

Really nice and loads of other mums for you to be able to talk to.

They even organise baby-sitting with each other

-so you can get out once in a while.

-I know how to look after my baby.

I know you do.

Listen, my neighbour's really noisy.

That's the main reason why I can't sleep.

Your neighbour?

Yeah. He's up all hours. It's a nightmare.

I've tried everything.

So can you book me in with the doctor, please?

Yeah, I'll see what I can do.

Mum?

I've got to go to work.

Being gay makes no difference to who I am.

I'm still the same person I was yesterday.

DOOR OPENS

It's only me!

How're you feeling?

Yeah, fine.

I meant after...

Oh, right. Yeah, I'm great. I'm tickety boo.

Tickety boo?

Yeah. It's my new word.

Right.

This is really weird.

I know. But we'll be all right, though.

We'll get used to it, just need a bit of time.

Come on, babes. What's wrong?

She really hasn't said anything?

Gloria, baby, you're really making me worried.

Please, tell me what's going on? Gloria?

It might be Pops.

Have you spoken to Pops?

Dad...

I'm gay.

She found out last night.

You're gay?

Yes.

You found out he's gay?

HE LAUGHS

I thought you had cancer or Pops had died. Jeez...

-What?

-I've known for years.

She's the spit of you, isn't she?

Thanks.

Right, I understand that you wanted to talk to me about sleeping pills?

My next-door neighbour keeps playing the piano

and the walls are rubbish so I can't sleep.

Have you tried talking to them?

Oh, right. No, I hadn't thought of that!

Sorry, I'm just really tired.

It's all right for her, though.

She can sleep through anything.

I could live with it if I could sleep.

It's just pills, Dr Reid.

If you think I'm going to get addicted, I won't.

I'm not stupid.

Look, Becky, it's not that.

Look, I would be reticent to give anybody sleeping pills

who was looking after a baby on their own.

You saying I don't know how to look after Daisy properly?

No, that's not what I said.

Look, I'd like you to read this before I even consider giving you sleeping pills.

Sleep hygiene?

Yeah, it's been proven that changing your habits can help.

So things like no caffeine, not watching TV, or using a laptop...

I don't believe this.

Becky.

No, forget it!

Becky, please!

Oh, get ready for World War III.

How did it go with Becky?

Oh, not great actually.

Postnatal depression, right?

Hm. No, I'm not so sure.

You know that she's got a neighbour who's keeping her up all night?

I think she's making that up.

-Oh?

-Well, she only came up with the neighbour story after

I pushed her into opening up. I mean, I could be wrong.

No, no, no, no.

It's just that, well, the situation wasn't screaming post natal depression to me.

I mean, she seems to have a good relationship with her daughter.

Right. Well, thanks anyway.

No problem. Do you fancy a drink tonight?

Oh, I can't. Asthma clinic's packed.

-Rain check?

-Yeah. That would be nice.

Problem?

No. No.

Not at all.

Good.

At least he's not quit his job to go hunting for aliens.

Is that supposed to be funny?

He's a good kid. So he's batting for the other side.

I'm still here, you know.

Why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't you tell me if you'd known for years?

I'd have thought it would've come up.

You know, while you two had been having all your heart to hearts.

We haven't had any heart to hearts. Well, not about this.

I just worked it out.

How? He hasn't ever had a boyfriend.

Or a girlfriend.

He has had...a girlfriend.

Why didn't you tell me on your own?

Why did it have to happen like that with that boy there?

I thought you could tell me anything.

I can. But I thought, with the church...

Stop it, right there.

I'm not upset because you're gay, or because of the church.

It won't be easy, but that doesn't matter.

What really hurts

is that you didn't tell me,

couldn't tell me.

That's what breaks my heart.

RINGING

Heston.

I've got the name and address of the drug dealer.

We arrested him yesterday.

No, I don't mean Ferdy -

I mean the man who supplies him with the drugs.

Found his supplier?

Yeah. His name is Rick.

He lives on Denby Drive and he associates with somebody called Soph.

Stop there, Heston.

Sorry?

No more. Didn't I make myself clear yesterday?

Look, if it wasn't for me,

Ferdy would still be selling that muck!

You know what, I'm not going to co-operate with you any more.

I wasn't aware you were co-operating!

Yep, we are done. You have any more problems

and you're going to have to go through the proper channels.

-Do you understand?

-Perfectly.

Good.

HE SIGHS

RINGING

'Please leave your message after the tone.'

Yeah, it's me. I just gave Rob the dealer's address.

He wasn't interested, so that is the end of the Viper business.

Anyway, I'm cooking supper. Cannelloni and beef ragu.

Could you pick up some extra Parmesan on your way home?

And give me a ring, thanks.

Um, Eash, do you fancy grabbing lunch at the Icon?

Ah, Billy-No-Mates, are you?

Do you know what, I'm not even going to try and deny it. Yes.

Yeah, if you can wait a while.

How do you fancy inviting Emma along?

The more the merrier.

Great!

Oh, hi. This is a message for Becky Allison.

Will you stop it?!

Sorry. This is Karen from the Mill Health Centre.

If you're missing a toy elephant, we've got it behind reception.

I'll drop it off.

Oh, ignore that message. Bye.

Sorry, Sid, another time. Give it?

Meanie.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Well, that's very friendly, isn't it?

Karen, I've e-mailed you the doc.

Give me a shout if you want me to walk you through anything.

-Can we at least talk about it?

-Not here.

Well, where, then?

-You all right?

-It's fine.

What you did, turning up to my house without asking, invading

my privacy like that, even what you're doing now is out of order.

Actually, it's weird.

Look, I'm sorry, but I kind of thought you were out already.

You're 25!

You have no concept! It's none of your business, Will!

Well, it is if I'm going to be your boyfriend.

Well, maybe you're not.

You know what - how was I supposed to know, anyway?

You don't tell me anything! I didn't even know you were still living with Mummy and Daddy.

Just because you've been out and proud since birth

doesn't mean the rest of us have.

My family aren't like yours. It's tricky. They have a lot of issues.

Well, not any more!

Are you joking?

Look, it's done now. Admittedly not in the right way, but at least they know.

So you've done me a favour?

Well, yeah, sort of.

My mum's really upset.

Some families just need time.

It's hard for your lot, I get it.

"Your lot"?

Not black. Churchy.

Do you want a hug?

No!

We're OK, though, right?

No, not really.

Look, my parents are my priority right now.

Yeah, course.

You need to go.

RINGING

Becky?

Yeah, I've got Daisy's elephant,

she must have dropped it in reception.

I'm bringing it over to you.

Becky. Becky. Becky, just try and stay calm.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Yeah, is that Reel's Health?

Yeah, do you have any marshmallow leaves?

Hello?

Hello?

LOUD PIANO MUSIC

Can you stop, please?

It's been going on for weeks.

I've complained to my landlord but he won't do nothing.

Apparently, the council reckons he ain't a nuisance cos it's

-the middle of the day so it's not unsociable hours.

-Oh!

The only thing left for me is to move out,

but I can't till my tenancy runs out or I'll lose the deposit.

There's a baby trying to sleep next door!

MUSIC STOPS

Looks like he's stopped.

Maybe he's got the message.

Yeah, maybe.

Why don't you try and get some sleep while he's quiet?

Thanks, yeah?

No worries.

Hello?

Hi, I rang earlier about purchasing some marshmallow leaves.

Yeah. It was me you spoke to. You were after a kilo of it, right?

That's right, yeah.

Yeah, I saw her on the list.

Her op is next month.

Yep, it's Mr Beasley, I think.

PIANO STARTS

Becky, don't!

SMASH

Could I interest you in anything else? Vitamins, herbal tea?

Beetroot cake?

Beetroot cake. No, um...

Gav, do you know what sort of people are buying marshmallow leaves?

I'm a doctor and it would be very useful for my research.

Most our stock's being purchased by the same bloke.

Oh, is he another doctor?

No idea, mate.

No. Because you may not know this - they're very useful for the digestive system.

I was just wondering if he was prescribing them in the same way.

He never really says why he's buying it.

Because my patients would be really... Yeah.

He hasn't left a number or an address, or anything?

I can't give that kind of information out. Data protection.

Of course you can't.

Um... Well, as they're so popular, I should order some more.

Right, I can sort that out for you.

So, how much would you like?

One or two kilos?

Two kilos.

OK, so all I need is your name, address and telephone number,

and we ask for half the purchase price up front.

I could also do with some protein powder.

-Because I'm looking to build my...

-Which brand?

-..muscles.

What would you suggest?

They're all pretty much the same, to be honest.

Muscle Maker is made from pea protein.

Sounds good to me.

How many tubs?

One's great.

Actually, you know what, I'm going to get them from Reel's Health.

They're on special offer there. Sorry for your trouble.

And what about the marshmallow leaves?

I'm on a meter - I'll be right back!

I'm not paying for nothing!

-But you did it!

-Prove it.

Everyone, just calm down!

She's been knocking on my door for weeks.

I'm not the only one round here who can't stand you or your music!

-Becky.

-He can't even play!

Don't get personal.

She's just evil. Her and that stupid kid.

Don't you dare call my baby stupid!

What are you going to do about it? Throw another brick?

Yeah, if that's what it takes, you weirdo.

All right, everyone. Time out. I'm Sergeant Hollins.

She smashed my window.

Yeah, well, he's smashing in my eardrums!

Get away from my house! Go on! Get lost!

Why won't you stop?

-Are you the neighbour, madam?

-Yeah.

Do you mind waiting inside your house? You will get your say, I promise.

Thanks.

She did throw the rock, Rob, but she felt she had no choice.

She's a new mum and he's been playing the piano all hours.

I take it you're Paul Knowles?

Yes, that's right.

-And you've had your window broken?

-Yeah, by her.

Why don't we go inside as well?

Somewhere quiet where I can get all the details?

Well, she's not coming. She's on her side.

No, I'm not on anyone's side.

I'm a nurse and you've got a pretty nasty cut there.

I could do with taking a look at it.

Yeah, why don't you let her see to it?

It'll be easier if you sit down.

So, I take it you know why your neighbour threw a rock

through your window?

No.

So it's got nothing to do with playing the piano?

Becky can't sleep.

To a degree, what you do in your own home is your own business,

but when it comes to...well, disturbing your neighbours,

then there's got to be some middle ground, hasn't there? Hm?

I mean, we've all got to get along.

So is it not possible that you could just

play your piano at certain times?

I'm the victim here. That girl threw a rock through my window.

You should be locking her up!

Yes, you are the victim,

and she will be prosecuted if that's what you want.

-It is.

-Let's just stay calm. Hm?

Shall we have a cup of tea?

I'll put the kettle on.

HE SIGHS

Er, Heston, he's going to cook dinner tonight.

Cannelloni with beef ragu.

Ooh! Lucky for some!

Yeah.

I see there's a ceasefire between you and Ayesha.

Yeah, I hope so.

How did you manage that?

It was pretty easy. I just had to have a minor health crisis.

How are you feeling?

I'm fine.

Traces of paranoia, but...

Emma, you know...

I am fine. It's just affecting my moods still, that's all.

Mind you, it's nothing to what Louise Warren went through.

But at least she had Heston with her.

Here we are.

-No, thanks.

-Oh!

Do you mind telling me where your wife is?

I don't see the relevance.

Where is she, Mr Knowles?

Mr Knowles, can you stop playing for a minute, please?

Paul? I'm talk...

Where's your wife?

Gone.

She left me for her acupuncturist.

Paul, I'm really sorry about your wife,

but taking it out on Becky isn't the answer.

Or the baby.

Hearing about the baby hurts you, doesn't it?

What happened, Paul?

She's having his baby.

We couldn't have any.

I'm really, really sorry.

But from where I'm standing,

you're taking your hurt out on all the wrong people,

including yourself. You're letting your ex win.

RADIO CHATTER

There was life before your wife and there will be after.

I'm hardly David Beckham.

Well, no, you're not, but you're an attractive bloke.

You could do with a bit of a shave, maybe.

What do you do?

I'm a web designer.

That's interesting.

You're just saying that.

No, I'm not. And I'm no expert but you seem to play the piano pretty well.

Granted, it's pretty annoying when you play the same tune

over and over again 100 times,

but who plays like that? No-one I know.

That's a real talent. And you're your own boss!

I would kill to be my own boss.

Your wife left you, but it sounds to me like it's her loss.

So I'm not going to be arrested?

No. You're fine.

This time.

Oh! Very smart.

Thanks.

The music's stopped.

For now. I'm going to get him some help.

Why - what's wrong with him?

Only what's wrong with a lot of people in this day and age.

He's lonely.

Here, it's the mums group.

Think about it.

See you.

-Baby's asleep, then.

-Yeah.

RINGING

TURNS PHONE OFF

Viper is being manufactured in that house!

What, and you know that for sure?

You should see a doctor.

I do not need one. I am a robot.

Oi!

If this was politics, I would hand you a pamphlet for my party.

The Atheist Party, we'll give you something to believe in.

Which is not believing in anything?