In the Dark Doctors

Shouldn't you two be out there, saving people?

-Just dropped off a suspect, Sarge.

-Yeah. Kathy the kleptomaniac.

Ah, the streets of Letherbridge are safe once more!

-Right, my turn to drive.

-No, it's not.

I'll show you how to do it properly. Come on.

-As your girlfriend was saying last night...

-Oh!

At least I have a girlfriend. Come on, give me the keys.

All right, look, let's toss for it, eh? Call.

Heads.

Still having problems with your co-ordination!

-Can you see where it went?

-No.

Zara, are you busy? I wanted to ask you something.

I've got a Social Services meeting at ten, but other than that...

OK, great. I'll catch you later.

-Well, you two look cheerful.

-Do you know, I am itching like mad.

So am I! And now I'm getting that rash, like you've got.

-I didn't sleep a wink.

-I know, you look terrible.

-I mean...

-Anyway, I've been googling,

and it's not flesh-eating bacteria.

-You didn't think it was, did you?

-Oh, it was something that Zara said.

And if it was that, we'd have had other symptoms.

Maybe it's an allergy.

-Did you wash this cardigan in that new washing powder?

-No.

-Maybe it's fleas.

-Fleas, yes! Geoffrey!

-No! He's a very clean cat.

-Well, spray him anyway, please.

No, I can't do that. He won't like it.

He'll go into one of his sulks.

I don't care! I cannot stand this any more.

I am itching in some really intimate places.

Day's hardly started and we've had a car accident already.

-Serious?

-No. Just a fender-bender.

-PCs Atkinson and Kirkwood.

-The Chuckle Brothers.

Yeah, Atkinson's driven straight into the gatepost.

-Hasn't even got out the car park, the idiot.

-Are they both OK?

Yeah, they must be cos I offered to send them home and they said they were fine.

But do us a favour - check them over, just in case.

Yeah, of course. Are you OK?

Yeah, I've just been itching. So has Karen.

Well, you're making me itch just looking at you.

-I'll send the boys in.

-OK.

So, let me get this straight.

-You are having your wedding photos redone?

-Mm-hm.

-What, people actually do that?

-Yeah.

Because, well, we didn't get any done on the day, did we?

Because you were arrested.

Yeah. Well, this is a good chance to do it, and it'll be fun.

We've got this photographer and he's got lots of ideas.

We'll do the classic shots, as well, but he's got lots of suggestions.

He's going to shoot us against a green screen,

with a backdrop put in,

and it means that we could be anywhere.

-Eiffel Tower, space - you know, whatever.

-Really?

Yeah, one doesn't marry Heston Carter

without embracing eccentricity.

Well, it's your money. If you both want to...

We do. Thank you.

-Sure you didn't hit your head?

-Weren't going fast enough.

Barely going 20 and then he crashes into the gates. Muppet.

-And Craig was definitely driving?

-Yeah, I said.

-That's strange,

because you've hurt your right shoulder

and your left side, which means

the belt would have been coming across you this way.

That would mean you were in the driving seat. Not him.

You crashed the car, didn't you?

Look, I've got an advanced driving course next week.

If they know I crashed a car, they won't let me do it.

So, you got Craig to take the blame?

He's not interested in driving fast cars.

He'll get a telling-off and that's all. What does it matter?

I think you're both being totally irresponsible.

I think you should tell Sergeant Hollins.

You having problems with your vision?

What? No. It's fine.

Right, I'd like to take a look at your eyes.

Come in.

Well, look who it is. The crime-fighting hero.

Takes one to know one. Am I disturbing you?

I am doing QOF reports, so, please, disturb away.

-Splendid. I could do with your advice.

-You, too?

Now, you know Ruhma and I are redoing our wedding photos?

-Yes, I heard.

-So, I thought, while we're at it,

why don't we redo the reception, as well?

We didn't do it properly last time

and this would be the perfect opportunity.

I think Ruhma's expecting it to be just you and her and the kids.

No, no, you all have to be there. You're all coming for the photos,

so we need to have a party, with food and drink.

I mean, the venue is free - Haseldine Hall -

so Ruhma will like that, won't she?

-I'm not Ruhma. You need to ask her.

-Well, I can't. It's a surprise.

Don't you think there were a few too many surprises last time?

No, no, no. This'll be a nice surprise with all her friends.

We won't do the whole reception.

It's going to be a fairly modest affair.

Heston, modest by your standards

is insanely extravagant by anyone else's.

No, it'll be low-key, with champagne,

and wedding cake, of course, for the photos.

-So, what do you think?

-Why are you asking me?

I've never had a wedding.

Daniel and I have managed perfectly well

without ever going through with that ridiculous farrago.

Sorry, public declaration of love. Do whatever makes you both happy,

but maybe leave the rest of us out of it

because, last time, it was pretty traumatic.

Oh, absolutely not. You all have to be there.

It's for everyone. Thank you, Zara.

You've really helped me make up my mind.

Paul, when was the last time you saw an optician?

I've got twenty-twenty vision. I don't need glasses.

Have you noticed any problem seeing in the dark or in dim lights

or with your peripheral vision?

No.

-Well, I'd like to do a test.

-Fine. I'll do the eye-chart thing.

L-H-T-O-C-N-E-A.

-Told you. Twenty-twenty.

-OK.

Right, I need you to look straight ahead for me,

and I'm going to move this out to the side.

You tell me when you can no longer see it. OK?

-Now.

-OK.

Now.

Right, now, I'm going to move it towards the centre.

Look straight ahead. Tell me when you can see it.

Now.

Now.

Didn't raise my hand that time.

You don't have much in the way of peripheral vision, do you?

-Probably why you crashed the car.

-So, what are you saying?

That I need glasses after all? OK, I'll get glasses.

That might not help. How long have you been dealing with this?

Don't know.

Some days, it's worse than others.

I thought I was imagining it.

-But you noticed there might a problem?

-Yeah.

Since Christmas. Maybe before.

-What is it?

-Erm...

..you need to make an appointment, go and see your GP,

and get a referral to an ophthalmologist.

It's possible you have something called retinitis pigmentosa.

Never heard of it.

Yeah, I'll write it down for you. It's quite rare.

-It's degenerative.

-What's the treatment?

Well, there is no treatment at the moment, or a cure.

There's some very encouraging research...

Are you saying I'm going blind?

Ruhma wants to redo the wedding photos,

and Heston wants to redo the reception.

-What? Really?

-Really.

And they want all of us to go along and relive the full day

-in all its ghastliness.

-Well, that's a terrible idea.

I know, and I tried to warn Heston, but he won't listen.

Anyway, they've both been asking my advice,

so I'm sure you're going to get roped in sometime soon, and I thought I'd better warn you.

-Well, that's the last thing anyone needs.

-Exactly.

Not that that'll put Heston off. It's going to be a total nightmare.

-SHE SIGHS

-All right, well,

thanks for the heads-up. Bye.

Great.

But I can read, you know, even small print.

I can't be going blind if I can still read.

Well, actually, with this condition, you can.

Look, you might not go totally blind.

A lot of people with RP retain some useful vision,

and your eyesight might deteriorate really slowly.

-It could be years, even decades.

-But it is going to get worse?

If it is RP, then, yeah.

It runs in families. There's usually a history.

No-one in my family's got dodgy eyesight.

My mum doesn't even wear glasses, and then my dad...

Well, he walked out when I was four.

-So, you're not in contact?

-No.

-OK.

Well, your dad could have developed problems after he left you

or he could have been a carrier,

in which case, he wouldn't have had any symptoms.

You need to see a specialist as soon as you can,

and you need to stop driving.

What...completely?

Yeah. If it is RP, then, yeah, you shouldn't be driving at all.

-I just bought a new car!

-Look, I know this is a lot to take in.

Have you got someone to talk to?

-Or there's counselling.

-I'll be all right.

What should I do?

Well, first, you need to inform the DVLA

that you're not safe to drive. I mean, that's a priority.

-And if I think you haven't done that, then I need to inform them.

-I'll sort it.

-What else?

-Well, you need to tell your senior officers.

Sergeant Hollins is going to be sympathetic,

but you need to tell them that you were driving, and not Craig.

Right. Yeah.

Right. And the sooner you have the conversation, the better.

Once you get a definite diagnosis, we'll know what we're dealing with.

-OK. Well, I best be going anyway.

-Paul, I'm really sorry.

It's all right. You're just doing your job. Thanks.

You coming to the darts match tonight?

-Nah.

-Oh, come on. You've got to support the team.

-Yeah, I'll be with you in a second.

-All right.

-Forgot my handcuffs!

-Oh.

-Still admiring yourself?

-Yeah.

Well, when you look as hot as I do...

-HE CHUCKLES

-So, are we going to hit the street?

No, I've got to see the doc.

-Still, don't worry, mate. I'll cover for you.

-Wait!

Argh! Oh, this is agony! I just can't stand it.

Oh, Daniel, Daniel!

Or Zara. Anyone. We really need your help.

I've seen 20 patients already this morning, so unless it's an emergency...

-BOTH:

-It is an emergency!

-We think we've got fleas.

-SHE CHUCKLES

You should look at us. It's the least you can do,

after what you said about flesh-eating bacteria.

It was a joke! We're going to lunch. You're hardly going to die while we're gone.

Just calm yourselves down and have a cup of tea.

-How can you call yourself a caring professional?

-I don't.

-I call myself an overworked GP.

-Oh, come on.

We're not going to expect any sympathy from her.

It's probably not fleas.

And they're gone.

What am I like?

Driving through the gateway - that's basic, that is.

Instead, I manage to hit the post.

-Don't even bother.

-What?

-Paul already told me

he was driving and he crashed the car.

So, why are you taking the blame?

-He's a mate, and he asked.

-Yeah.

Well, I've told him he needs to tell Sergeant Hollins the truth.

Paul's all right, isn't he? He's not...ill or anything?

I can't discuss it with you.

If you want to know anything, you'll have to ask him.

It's just that he's been a right moody git for weeks.

-Months, even.

-Like I said, I can't discuss it.

The accident - it was daylight, it wasn't icy,

he wasn't driving into the sun.

How did he manage to hit the gate?

You know what? I have checked you over

and you are fit to go back to duty, so go on.

Ooh! No, lower. Bit lower. Yeah. Ooh, yeah.

Ooh, yeah, that's good, that's good, that's good.

Oh, Ben, listen, I'm going to have to go home.

I can't work like this. Neither of us can.

I think it's fleas. I can feel them crawling all over me.

Fleas don't crawl. They hop, don't they?

Sorry. Yeah, I've got stuff to do.

Yeah, about that - there have been more complaints.

Patients don't like to see the reception staff

talking about fleas and scratching.

It doesn't give a good impression of the practice.

-Well, how would they like it?

-OK.

Look, I'll get a doctor to look at you both.

-Don't worry. We're going to sort this out.

-Oh, good.

-I'm going to go outside. Some cold fresh air might help.

-Yeah, me too.

HE EXHALES

Zara, Daniel, can I ask a huge favour?

-Examine the reception staff.

-What, Itchy and Scratchy?

-If we have to.

-Thanks. They're both in a complete state.

Otherwise, I'm going to have to send them home.

Have your lunch first.

I've already advised Karen to see her own GP.

-Look, it'll be quicker if you do it.

-True. Fair point.

-Thanks.

It's partly your fault, you know,

for telling them stories about flesh-eating bacteria.

I was joking, and Valerie is totally milking it.

She's going to be all over you like...

-I was going to say a rash.

-Well, she won't,

because you're going to do Valerie and I will do Karen.

OK, Lloyd and his cronies will be already there,

waiting to take a delivery, which is several tons of contraband.

The usual stuff, it's alcohol and cigarettes.

The plan is, we catch them red-handed.

OK, your favourite bit - threat and risk assessment.

Actually, we don't really think

anyone is going to be armed there because, believe it or not,

none of them have been done for violence.

But you never know, so keep your vests on at all times,

be careful moving through the warehouse and drive safely.

-Craig, that means you.

-LAUGHTER

Actually, Paul, I think you should drive.

All right, thanks, everyone.

-Dr Clay said you were OK?

-Yeah. In fact,

he said he's never seen a finer physical specimen in his life.

I bet he did. Paul?

-Yeah, good.

-Good. OK, see you there.

Why didn't you tell him you were driving?

-It wasn't the right moment.

-You told the doc.

I was in there trying to cover for you.

-I looked like a right prat.

-Yeah, I'm sorry.

-I will tell the sarge.

-When?

-Today.

-And I owe you one.

-Yeah, you do.

Come on, Rob. Pick up.

-ANSWERING MACHINE:

-You've got through to Sergeant Hollins at Letherbridge Police.

Please leave a message. Thank you.

I'm not dirty.

I have a bath every day, or at least a shower.

And I keep my house clean.

Valerie, no-one is criticising your personal hygiene.

Let's take a look at your arms.

I just can't stand not knowing what it is.

You can deal with this. You've survived cancer and...

-Oh.

-What? What is it? What have you seen?

Well, take a look at these.

Tiny silver lines.

Actually, they're burrows.

Yes?

-Is it life-threatening?

-Don't be ridiculous.

It looks like it could be scabies, and no-one ever died of that.

It's a relatively minor condition.

Irritating, I know, but nothing to be melodramatic about.

Oh!

Oh, thank you! That is such a relief.

-I could almost hug you.

-But you won't.

So, what exactly is scabies?

I need to speak to Sergeant Hollins directly over the radio.

Control to 7244.

7244, go ahead.

Rob, it's Jimmi. Are you free to speak?

-Yeah, if you keep it brief.

-Right, it's about PC Kirkwood.

I told him to tell you that he wasn't fit to drive.

I assumed that he had.

-No, he hasn't.

-Right. Well, he's driving now.

I saw him get in the car. Is he there?

No, not yet. Jimmi, we're just about to mount a raid.

As soon as you get back to the station, I need to talk to you.

And PC Kirkwood is not to drive back.

I'll make sure he doesn't. Out.

7244 to 1936.

7244 to 1936.

-ON RADIO:

-1936 to 7244.

Yeah, Craig, where are you?

We're here, Sarge. Just pulled up.

Yeah, I can see you. OK.

Right then, everyone, let's do it.

Police! Stay where you are!

Police! Don't move!

Move!

Oi!

-HE GROANS

-Craig, I'm sorry, man.

-Oh, your face. Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-Lads?

-It's all right.

-What happened?

What are you doing, man? You barged right into me!

-Why didn't you look where you were going?!

-Wait, it was you!

-Whoa! Whoa! What's going on?

We'll sort this out back at the station.

I'll get someone to drive you both there.

But in the meantime, we've got a job to do.

Scabies?!

Look, I know it's unpleasant, but it's easily treatable.

So, there are these creatures and they're burrowing under my skin,

they're all over me, they're alive, and they're feeding off me?

Yeah, yeah, but it's not as gruesome as it sounds.

That's easy for you to say! I've seen that telly programme -

the Disgusting Bodies, whatever -

where they've got the parasites that lay their eggs in your flesh

and it hatches right out of your arm.

OK, you're thinking about botflies,

and you only get that if you've been somewhere tropical.

-Have you been somewhere tropical, Karen?

-Very funny.

OK, look, don't worry.

Zara and I will sort out a treatment for you, and you'll both be fine.

There you go. You'll live.

Paul, I can't see you right now. I'm dealing with Craig.

I've come to say sorry. Are you OK?

Yeah, no thanks to you. What's the matter with you?

OK, look, I don't think this is the time or...

You said I should ask him. I'm asking. So...?

It's not...

-Look, it's nothing, all right?

-Stop lying!

Look, I covered up for you on the crash, all right?

But you barged into me, and then you blame me

in front of the sarge and everyone.

-It was you. It wasn't my fault!

-Craig, do you want to calm down?

I'm going to Sergeant Hollins.

I'm going to tell him that you were driving, and the rest.

-I'm not covering up for you any more.

-Craig, mate...

-Do you need any medical attention?

-No.

-Right.

Then I'm going to Sergeant Hollins, as well. Tell him what you told me.

-No, please don't.

-I have to. I have no choice.

-And I'm going to speak to the DVLA, as well, since you can't be bothered.

-I will, OK?

-I'll talk to him! I'll...

-You had your chance.

That's it. It's over now. Go on, out.

You've probably had it for weeks.

It takes about a month before you start showing symptoms.

But how did we get it?

Well, it's usually skin-to-skin contact,

but it can be proximity and shared clothes.

Ah, the office cardie! I told you.

Yes, but where did it start? Who was patient zero?

That, we may never know.

But if it started here, are we going to have to close the surgery?

I mean, what will Mrs Tembe say?

That won't be necessary. Scabies is very common.

It's in hospitals, schools, police stations.

Police stations? So, Rob could have given it me?

-That's possible.

-Right, I'm having a word with him.

Oh, and you blamed Geoffrey. I knew he was innocent.

Jimmi, you wanted a word? Actually, I want a word with you, as well.

-Somewhere more private?

-Yeah.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Sorry, I'll just take... Hello?

Rob, it's me. Listen, it wasn't the washing powder.

-Sorry?

-We've got scabies! You've given it me!

Probably from one of your scabby crim...

Karen, it's a really bad line. You're breaking up.

-Did you say rabies?

-Not rabies. Scabies! That's why we're itching.

-Daniel's just told me.

-Listen, love, I'm very busy at work. I need to go.

I'll call you back. Bye.

-Sarge, can I talk to you?

-Craig! Look, please...

Oi! Watch it!

What are you all looking at?

I'm going blind, OK?!

Why didn't you say?

-Come on, mate. Come on. Take my arm.

-Just get lost!

OK. All right, fine.

You've endangered yourself, your colleagues, and the public.

It's a miracle that you haven't killed someone!

-Yes, Sarge.

-I mean, how long has this been going on?

Weeks - if not months - and you never thought to tell anybody?

I couldn't. I didn't know what it was.

I didn't know if I was imagining it.

Well, it's hard to know if you're losing your sight

without going through some objective test.

I know I've been totally unprofessional.

Too right you have. And Craig lying for you.

No, please don't blame Craig, Sarge. He didn't know.

He did cover for me with the crash, but that's cos I asked him to.

-This is on me.

-Yeah.

Well, there will be disciplinary action.

I thought you were a better police officer than that.

I can't do the job, OK? I know that now.

If I can't drive, see in the dark, chase suspects...

Yeah, well, that's up to HR to sort out,

with medical advice.

I'm sure you could work. Just maybe not a front-line role.

-Maybe a desk job.

-A desk job?

-Yeah, a desk job.

There's no shame in that. You'd still be a police officer.

Look, get the specialist diagnosis confirmed, OK?

And then at least people know. You'll have help and support.

Thanks, doc.

Yeah, you're right.

I want everyone there in their finery.

-What, everyone? Including Megan?

-Oh, maybe not her.

That would be inappropriate.

Oh, Ayesha, you'll come. You're the life and soul of any party.

-What party?

-Ruhma and Heston are redoing their wedding.

Imagine going back to the 30th of June last year.

That was the day Ayesha's mum died.

-Oh, Ayesha, sorry, I didn't...

-You can stick your party, Heston.

That went well.

This thing he's got - is he really going blind?

It is possible.

Muppet.

Him, I mean. Not you.

Why couldn't he tell me?

-You two been friends for long?

-Since primary school.

We always wanted to be cops.

All the other lads wanted to be Batman, Spider-Man.

We'd be in the playground pretending we were the guys from The Wire.

How can I help him?

I mean, there must be things I can do. Practical stuff.

If he needs anything, he'll ask.

-Do you want to see me, Sarge?

-No. It'll keep till tomorrow.

Go home. Go on.

-Craig...

-You all right?

-Pub?

-Yeah. You're buying.

Yeah, I just wanted to ask you something.

-I should just set up surgery here.

-Yeah, you should.

It is... It's kind of personal, actually.

Karen called me, very mad, and apparently...

..apparently, I've given her scabies.

-Is scabies serious?

-No, no, you'll survive.

Good. Good. Yeah, that is a good thing. Yeah.

-Yeah, that's it, thanks. So, yeah, shh!

-OK.

Ah!

Zara, I could do with your advice.

-What, again?

-I have been incredibly stupid.

I wanted to be nice, but I end up upsetting Ayesha.

I should've remembered that our wedding date

might be a day that some people want to forget.

-I did try to warn you.

-And I didn't listen!

Why do I just rush into things?

Did you know that they actually don't wash away?

They lie dead under your skin.

That's horrific!

That's Terry.

So, what happened to him?

Oh, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

-What are you playing at? Just go.

-And if I don't?

-I'll tell Ralph.

-Oh, I doubt that.