The Beautiful Game Doctors

-Oh, Jason! Hi, son.

-Who's he?

Brian Kerr, Letherbridge Gazette.

Oh! Have you met any celebs?

No, darlin', it's the local rag. You know, school fete,

dog with three legs heart-warming story...

BRIAN LAUGHS Nice threads, Jase!

You... You getting a pay rise?

-Do you ever give up, Bri?

-No, I've got a wife to feed, mate!

You should see her, eats like a horse!

Any comments on these transfer rumours?

Get in the car.

HE HANDS HER KEYS

I...I hear it's a big London club.

There is something going down today, actually,

at the Mill Health Centre.

I'm taking Carly there now.

Oh, right.

CAR DOOR OPENS

CAR DOOR CLOSES All right, Trevor?

Get your Nikon out.

I've had a tip-off.

-Test me on the figures again.

-We've already done it four times.

But what if I get stage fright?

Valerie, I have full confidence in you going solo.

-You'll have the PPG eating out of your hands.

-Are you bunking off?!

No. I'm going to a meeting with the university governors,

so I delegated.

Valerie, where is my next patient?

Oh, she'll be here in ten minutes, she missed her bus.

-Oh, great. Time for a coffee.

-Ben!

Ben, there is one other thing. Can you still see my rash?

DOOR OPENS

Uh, you're Jason Carswell.

Uh, last time I looked.

Can I speak to the manager, please?

Um, you're looking at him.

Oh, right. Um, look, long story short,

Carly needs to see a doctor urgently,

but I've got the press on my back outside.

Is there somewhere more private we could wait?

Of course, I'll sort something out.

Are you registered with us?

-Yeah.

-Um, just give me a sec.

-Zara?

-Is that a love bite?

Um, yeah!

-So, is it that obvious?

-Here...

Use this. Even works on tattoos.

Oh, thanks.

Um, Dr Carmichael will look after you.

Black, no sugar. Thanks.

-SIGHING:

-This way.

-Oh!

-Please, keep it.

My mum says I've got way more make-up than sense!

Uh, Valerie, could you show Mr Carswell to my office

while I deal with our photographer friend?

Please, call me Jason.

Who is he?

Star player of Letherbridge United.

He's scored 23 goals this season already.

Oh. Well, he can score with me any time, he is GORGEOUS!

Um, this way, please.

So, acid reflux is really nothing to worry...

TABLET BEEPS

Oh, sorry. Just... TABLET JINGLE

Oh, well... Sorry...about that.

Um... As I was saying, there are plenty of treatment...

TABLET BEEPS

AL SIGHS TABLET JINGLE

Where was I?

Just, um...

Yeah! Um, I'll write you a script up for some antacids

and that will sort it out, yeah?

Carly reckons she's pregnant.

I said I'd come with her and have it confirmed.

Right.

Have you been together for long?

I can trust you, can't I?

Of course. Everything said in here is in confidence.

It was a one-night stand.

I was with some of the lads and they...

..talked me into this drinking game.

-SIGHING:

-Carly was in one of the bars

and she made a move on me and, well...

You're a bloke, you know what these girls are like.

Yeah.

And she wasn't trying to set me up or anything,

but you have to be so careful these days.

Some of the players have even been blackmailed by fans.

I'm sure there are plenty of players who take advantage of...

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Well?

It'll be all right.

-I'll give you some space.

-No, it's fine. We'll, um...

We'll go back to the hotel and talk about what happens now.

I'm going to go and fix my face.

I can't go out looking like this.

Will you be OK?

Yeah.

-Um, is that bloke still outside?

-Yeah. There's a back entrance.

No point. They find you wherever you go.

Thanks, mate. Sorry, I don't even know your name.

-It's Ben Galadima.

-Well, cheers, Ben.

If there's anything I can do to make up for your help, uh,

a charitable donation or a selfie for your practice blog, or whatever.

Either would be great.

Well, gimme your number.

Ah...

Mobile number's on here.

I'm going to be a Premier League footballer next season.

Keep it under your hat.

Dad and I go to all the games.

He's been a Letherbridge United supporter since he was a kid.

Well, give him my best, yeah?

-I'll see you around.

-Bye.

-HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Carly?

We need to go. I broke the news to Ron.

-He wants a word.

-Does he?

I'll wait in the car.

Don't be long.

MUG CLATTERS

Is this all for the PPG's benefit?

I just don't want to arouse any suspicion

about the scabies outbreak.

Why? Do they conduct body searches?

Valerie, it's not Environmental Health,

it's a patient forum for a few tedious people with no lives

and too much time on their hands.

Well, I think it's important to listen to our patients.

I saw how useful this group could be first hand

when I lived with Ashley.

My advice is wear earplugs.

Frankly, Zara, I'm disappointed by your negativity.

As a partner, I think you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself.

Well, that's me put in my place!

Try not to scare the group!

Hello? Mother!

Are you all right?

Why wouldn't I be?

-Well, you video called me three times.

-When?

Today!

Did I?

Oh, yes!

Didn't you... used to have a girlfriend?

What?! We had all this last week.

-When?

-Mum, you know, you're not supposed to call me

when I'm at work, remember?

Not unless it's an emergency.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to be a pest.

KNOCK AT DOOR Ooh, um, I've got a patient.

I've got to go. I will call you when I get in tonight, yeah?

Ooh, is that a new blouse?

Yes. I bought it for the meeting.

I'm going for "professional yet feminine".

-Suits you.

-Thank you.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh. Hello, Mill Health Centre?

Oh, he's actually out on a call at the moment. Can I take a message?

Oh.

Right, and it's definitely cancelled?

OK.

HUBBUB OF CONVERSATION

-Oh!

-Is it kicking already? Must have my right foot.

-It's still tiny, stupid!

-I was joking.

I've got tummy ache.

What do you think - should I go back to the doctor?

Well, I mean...

Cheers, mate. I'll do the honours.

-With Ron's compliments...

-I can't drink when I'm expecting!

Oh, one glass won't do any harm.

Oh, it's not right. Should I phone the doctor?

Don't worry, everything's sorted.

Ron's booked you a termination in the morning.

If you cooperate and go with the story he'll give the press,

you'll get a nice, fat cheque.

We have to do as he says, Carly.

Right, I'm off to the uni.

-You haven't told him?

-What?

Uh... The meeting's been rescheduled.

One of the governors can't make it because of a family bereavement.

Why didn't you say? I can come to the PPG.

-That's why she didn't tell you.

-DOOR OPENS

You said that I could go solo, Ben. Please?

Can I see Dr Carmichael? I'm worried about the baby.

Take a seat.

-Is Zara free?

-Uh, no, she's with a patient, but she shouldn't be long.

-Uh... OK. Valerie, go. Break a leg.

-Uh! Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-Thank you!

-The doctor won't be long.

-Thanks.

Where's Jason?

Who cares?

They want me to have an abortion.

Do you know they're paying me to keep quiet?

-"They"?

-His manager. Creep.

He's the one who set us up in the first place!

What will you do?

Don't know. Might go to the papers, dish the dirt.

I'd make more money that way.

-But what about Jason's career?

-SHE SCOFFS

-Why should

-I

-care about that?

-Sorry, could you see...?

-Carly? Come through.

So, apart from the stomach pain, have you had any other symptoms?

-It hurts when I pee.

-Is there any blood in your urine?

No, but it smells funny.

What do you think it is?

It's probably just a urinary tract infection.

They're quite common during pregnancy.

-Will the baby be harmed?

-Not if it's treated.

That's if they let me keep it.

Do you want to keep it?

It's your body, Carly.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Ben, it's Jason Carswell.

-Oh, hi.

-I'm looking for Carly. Is she at the surgery?

-Why, is everything OK?

-She's being difficult, Ben.

She's insisting that we get married.

This isn't the 1950s,

I'm not getting hitched off the back of a one-night stand.

My manager suggested a termination, but she freaked out.

HE SIGHS

You need to talk to her before she speaks to anyone else.

Yeah, great. Thanks. I'll keep trying her mobile.

Actually, while I've got you, are you doing anything later?

-No, why?

-It was just a thought -

some of the players are coming over to the hotel for dinner...

You can join, if you like?

Get some autographs for your dad.

-OK.

-It's the Challinor on Fulton Street. Room 401.

Hi, I'm Ashley Mackintosh.

-Valerie?

-Hello, Ashley.

I, uh... I didn't even recognise you!

I'm representing the practice at the meeting.

Are you...well?

Hello! Hi. Um, come on in.

-Good evening.

-Good evening.

Good evening.

-Good evening. MAN:

-Good evening.

-How are you?

-OK? Yeah...

Hmm...

Ah...

Mmm! Ah! Call Mother...

-You found it OK?

-Yeah.

Where are we meeting the others?

Oh, they blew me out. They're on a bar crawl...

I didn't fancy it.

Are you sure I'm not intruding?

I can get your autograph another day.

I invited you over to say thanks, Ben, not give you an autograph.

I'm not exactly David Beckham... yet!

Look, stop thinking of me as a footballer.

HE PATS SEAT

I'm just Jase. I'm just one of the lads.

Now, I hope you like champagne.

I know it's a bit of a gay drink, but I've developed a taste for it.

Thanks.

Cheers.

Cheers.

So, regarding the first item,

the rumoured outbreak of scabies at the Mill Health Centre.

Can Miss Pitman confirm if there WAS an infestation amongst the staff?

-Um...

-SHE CLEARS THROAT

Some individuals were affected, yeah...

..but measures were implemented immediately

to limit any cross-contamination.

Uh, there was no risk to public health.

Really? Well, I'm sure we're all very reassured by THAT!

ASHLEY LAUGHS

Turning next to the perennial issue of DNAs.

Those are patients who "did not attend" for the, uh, newer members.

It appears the practice has again

made no progress towards a workable solution.

It is very much a concern of the partners,

but there are no easy answers...

I've long advocated a strict policy of three strikes and you're out.

There really is no excuse for wasting valuable NHS resources.

Yes. But some of the people we're talking about

are amongst the most vulnerable.

You can't punish them for having chaotic lives.

I doubt Mrs Tembe would be such a pushover!

What about patients with mental illnesses?

Older patients? Young, single mums?

I work for the Vulnerable Patient Assessment Scheme,

so I've met some of these people first hand.

Yes, DNAs are an issue, of course.

But when it comes to solutions, it really isn't one size fits all.

Right.

And then Mabel came round for a cup of tea.

-Who's Mabel?

-Oh, she's my friend from the pottery class.

-She goes on a bit, she repeats herself.

-Oh, does she now?!

And then I had lunch.

-What did you have for lunch?

-Tomato soup.

-You hate tomatoes.

-I don't mind them in a soup.

What are you having for your tea?

Oh, uh, I've got this lasagne thing,

but, ooh, looking at it, I might go down the pub instead.

-Oh, well, I better let you go then.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, sure.

-OK, well, I'll call you tomorrow.

Same time, same place, yeah?

Oh! Have you got good thermal gain in your windows?

Where'd that come from?

Don't know, it's just an idea popped into my head.

Has someone been talking to you about windows?

No.

I...don't know.

Well, which is it?

Mm... Come on, you lightweight, keep up!

So, your dad's the footie nut then?

Wait till I tell him about this.

I'll get you a box for the next game.

You got any brothers or sisters?

No. You?

Yeah, two brothers but we're not close.

I've only ever had football, really.

-You got a girlfriend?

-No.

Keeping your options open?

I bet they love you - suited and booted.

Young exec.

Nah!

Or...

..maybe you prefer blokes?

What?

Your face!

I do know you're gay, Ben.

Is it that obvious?

No, but...

..it's not a problem.

Wait, but what about all that stuff about the champagne?

I was winding you up.

So, you're gay?

No.

Who said that?

As for Mr Galadima, the new junior practice manager, uh...

The group feel he's far too green to be stepping into Mrs Tembe's shoes.

I mean, what relevant experience does he bring?

Apart from his ability to stack shelves!

-SOME LAUGHTER

-Um...

Ben has worked as an NHS business admin officer

for two years, actually.

And he's done a fast-track management scheme.

So, yes, that does in fact qualify him

to step into the shoes of pretty much any practice manager.

And he's so passionate about the job.

Shame he couldn't show his face tonight!

He had a prior engagement.

Mrs Tembe has been mentoring Ben for some time now and she has

complete confidence in his ability to cover for her in her absence.

And as for his age and previous experience...

Well, I think any criticism of that really comes down to snobbery,

or ageism, or just plain narrow-mindedness.

Or, in this case...all three.

Uh...

Ah...

OK, you're looking for paperwork.

Something to do with windows or double glazing.

Right. OK, Mother, come back to the chair.

-Now, pick the laptop up.

-It's plugged in!

You can unplug it, it's fine.

I want you to walk around the room with the laptop showing out,

so that I can have a look, yeah?

That's it. Slowly.

What's that? On the sideboard.

I don't know.

Well, how long's it been there?

-I can't remember.

-OK, Mother, you can go and sit back down.

Right, I need you to think really carefully about this.

Has someone been to the house?

Right, you remember those scripts I gave you?

The one for the front door

and the one in case anybody cold calls you, yeah?

Yes. And I always use them, I swear!

Mum, it's OK. There's no panic here.

But I need you to think really, really carefully.

Did someone give you that brochure?

I'm not sure.

I don't think I gave him any money.

HE SIGHS

OK, Mum, listen, I... I need you to telephone your bank.

And I'm going to stay on here and listen while you do that. OK?

Why are you getting so angry?

Because you're twisting things and you're messing with my head!

Jason, I know how difficult it can be.

-I only recently came o...

-YELLS:

-I'm not bent! OK?!

And how do you think that makes me feel?

Using words like that?

You make it sound like it's something to be ashamed of.

Because it IS something to be ashamed of!

-Look, no, it's not.

-Don't touch me!

Well, thanks for the drinks.

You breathe a word of this to anyone and you'll regret it!

The recent violent attack at the Mill Health Centre

raises very real concerns about patient safety.

I do feel that one of the partners themselves

should have been here tonight

to provide greater reassurance that evening surgeries are safe.

VALERIE SIGHS

I was the member of staff who was attacked...

..so I think I am quite well placed to comment.

Because if it hadn't been for the actions of Dr Haskey,

I might not be here tonight.

But this isn't really about one unfortunate incident.

Evening appointments are proving incredibly popular with the patients

and thanks to the new buzzer system and receptionist training, I...

..WE are determined to continue providing them.

I hope that answers some of your concerns.

How much money has been taken out of the account?

£1,000?!

What have I done?!

OK, Mum, I need you to get the direct number

of the person you're speaking to at the bank, I...

..I want to have a word with them.

You all right, son? You look strung out.

I just want to be on my own, thanks.

Things didn't go so well upstairs then?

With Jason.

Are you his manager?

-SCOFFS:

-Lord, no!

Just an interested party.

-A journalist!

-Oh, don't say it like that!

We all have to earn a living.

I've known Jason since he was a kid.

When he was a mouthful of braces and a face full of acne.

I sussed then he was gay.

He was so far back in the closet, he was in Narnia!

I don't know what you're talking about.

I just came to get his autograph.

Is that what you call it?

I feel sorry for him.

I mean, despite all the best efforts of the powers that be,

football's still in the Dark Ages.

It's all endorsements, men in suits.

And you're only acceptable to them if you're straight.

Word is, he's got some bird up the duff.

Probably his manager's idea.

One thing's for sure...

..football's not the beautiful game any more.

I'd stay well clear if I were you.

-Did you say anything to that journo?

-No.

-I'm sorry for what I said.

-Yeah.

No, please, just hear me out.

Not here. This way.

Valerie, can I ask you something?

Are you fully recovered now from your, um...cancer?

Yes.

But what would you care?

I'm so sorry for the way I treated you.

When I was a child, I lost a very dear friend to cancer and I...

..I just didn't think I could go through it again.

I'm sorry I let you down.

You look amazing!

And hearing you speak so passionately here tonight, well...

You're an incredible woman, Valerie.

Oh, yeah!

I suppose I am.

-Bye, then.

-Are you OK?!

No, I'm fine.

Yes, look, I know all about data protection,

I know all about power of attorney, thank you very much,

but my mother is a vulnerable person,

she has dementia and she has been ripped off!

So, please, can you tell me, on her behalf,

is there any way we can reverse that transaction?

So, you set up this whole pregnancy thing to make the world think

you're some kind of hetero stud?

There've been rumours about me in the changing rooms. I had no choice.

What about Carly?! What about HER choice?!

I know.

Until someone in your position comes out, Jason,

nothing will change.

-What, until then you'll have nothing to do with me?

-I didn't say that.

You're the only person who understands, Ben.

The only one I can talk to.

I thought I messed with your head?

It's only cos I fancy you.

Stay with me.

Please.

Spend the night.

I'm sorry.

I hope you work things out.

QUIET CHATTER IN BAR

-Stick another one in there, son.

-I'll get that. And a large brandy.

I've got a story for you, Brian.

An exclusive.

Go on.

I'm, uh...

I'm going to be a dad.

Course you are, son.

Congratulations.

The bank can't reverse the transaction,

but I'm going to call that window company first thing.

Oh... Why didn't I use the script you gave me?

It's not your fault.

I promise, Mum. I'm going to do everything I can to sort this.

Will you be all right?

-Yeah.

-I'll give you a call in the morning, yeah?

-Night, son.

-Night, Mum. TABLET BLEEPS

I just want to make sure you're all right.

-Do I look all right?

-It was an accident.

You pushed me into a lamppost!

-Sit down, you were in an accident.

-Should've looked where I was going.

I had no choice!

Of course you had a choice. It's YOUR house, Mother!

-What the hell do you want?

-I'm looking for Callum Whitten.

AL YELLS DOWN PHONE: Get out of my mother's house

or I'll call the police!

You have five seconds!