Rumspringa Doctors

MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

It's fine.

Look, Chris, we'll just find another time to get together, that's all.

Please stop saying you're sorry.

I love you.

All right.

Take care of yourself.

Bye.

Did you want something?

Can I get you anything else?

No, I'm fine. I mean, no, thank you.

All the cameras have in-built microphones,

so I can hear and record everything he says.

Oh, that is clever.

You are very clever.

All you need to do is not sign anything.

I'm sure he's going to pull a fast one.

His next trick is going to be to try and convince you that you need

new doors. You don't.

-I could do with a new back door...

-Mother!

You had a new one fitted just before Dad died.

But I liked the old one, though.

-It was a stable door. Do you remember?

-You don't need any doors!

-Have you got that?

-I've got it.

George might SEEM like a nice man, but he is a shyster.

Ah! Your father used to refer to tradesmen as "shysters"!

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I'm going to wear my pink cardigan.

Why?

I need to look smart for the cameras, don't I?

-For my close-ups.

-SHE GIGGLES

I need to tell you I'm sorry.

Pardon?

Last year, when I was a mess...

I ended up being taken downtown.

-You mean, you were arrested?

-Yes, ma'am.

I kind of don't exactly remember what happened that night,

but I was in a cell and...

I remember you. Yeah, you racially abused a colleague of mine.

-Yes, I did.

-You had your head shaved like some Neo-Nazi.

I am real sorry.

I really wasn't that person.

-I'm not any more.

-You know, she was just trying to do her job,

take care of you and you...

What do you mean, you're not that person any more?

-I have changed.

-Why?

Because you've grown some hair?

That doesn't mean you've changed.

-Or have you had some kind of epiphany?

-Exactly that.

-Rumspringa.

-What?

I'm Amish. Rumspringa is when we leave our community

-and we experience the world.

-Oh.

So I came to Europe.

I tried stuff.

I met the wrong people.

It got messy, but someone helped me,

let me see who I was again.

I want to apologise to you.

Aren't you supposed to go home and be baptised or something

after Rumspringa?

I want to, I really do, but it's not simple.

I can't just call my folks for airfare.

Well, good luck.

I appreciate the apology,

however you should know that your behaviour was disgusting.

Although, I'm glad you've finally seen the light.

Ruhma and Heston would not look out of place in a glossy magazine.

Yeah, they're lovely photos.

Ooh, who wouldn't want a soul mate?

She's banging on about the photos from Friday -

they've made her all gooey.

-Oh, new shoes?

-Yeah, but they're giving me gyp.

They're worth it. Well, I'm all for a bit of romance,

but happy families?

-What's up?

-Chris phoned.

He can't come over in August.

He's in line for promotion.

That's good, though. No, not good.

I'm screening.

Don't ask me how many text messages I've had from Ashley today.

Seriously, don't ask.

Just don't ask me.

-Ask you what?

-No.

I'm going to keep occupied. I am going to stay strong.

-Who knew, though?

-Who knew what?

That there is a vulnerable sexiness in a man who's needy.

Anyhow, Carolina Thomas, she's got that disc thing again.

-Ah, no.

-She's on your list.

I know. Bummer.

What?! I asked her to come into the surgery.

She asked me where I'd got my medical degree.

Well, she is caustic, even when she's well.

But when she's in pain...

Don't forgot to wear your gloves, that flat's filthy.

Karen Hollins, where is your sense of empathy?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello again, Mrs Haskey, how are you?

What a smashing cardigan - my favourite aunt has one like that.

I thought I ought to wear something nice.

I'm going to be honest with you, Mrs Haskey - I work on commission only,

a zero-hours contract would be luxury to me, so I'm truly grateful

you're considering upgrading your doors.

We have to go and sit in the lounge to talk about this.

Oh, OK. Well, let's go and get you the best value, then, eh?

-We used to have a stable door at the back.

-Mother!

Ours is called "The Texan" - beautiful door.

Nice to be able to open the top and keep the bottom locked.

-I know.

-Let me just say, though,

I'm not writing up any orders until

I'm sure YOU'RE sure you want to go ahead.

Wow. This place looks like it's had a complete makeover.

Because it was such a pit before?

-No. I didn't mean that.

-Yeah, we both know you did.

Well, whatever you've done, it looks great.

-He's new.

-He's my Black Jesus.

You don't see many. Tut! Like Jesus was white.

Right, let's have a look at your neck, shall we?

OK, can you try and turn your head for me, please?

You wouldn't be here if I could.

And the other side.

What part of agony are you failing to understand?!

I'm just trying to gauge how much movement you've got, that's all.

Years of training...

Why are you surprised that my place is nice?

I'm not.

-I didn't mean to be rude.

-Ah, yeah, of course.

OK. I can give you some medication for the pain,

but then I'm going to have to refer you back to the physio at St Phil's.

I'm not going.

Please, Carolina.

Come on, it's just like last time.

You need a few days' rest, but then it's important to keep

the movement going, get some exercise.

Did you not hear what I said?

This is such a lovely home. So like my aunt's.

She's like you, my aunt, lots of lovely, irreplaceable things.

So much sentimental value.

Oh, you oily little creep.

If your son's anything like me,

he'll have been on at you to upgrade your doors.

I made sure my aunt had new ones after her neighbour was burgled.

The ones we do have triple-A-plus security ratings.

Alasdair is very concerned about the doors.

He'll be worried. Imagining you waking up in the night

with someone in the house. Some thug in a balaclava, broken in

and standing at the bottom of your bed.

Thug in a balaclava?!

Leaning over you shouting about jewellery and cash.

Tell you what.

I'll add in The Texan, if you still want the stable door option -

no extra cost.

I've ALWAYS liked a stable door.

How much will it cost?

All in... Under £6,000.

It's an investment in the house, isn't it?

You can't better bricks and mortar.

So it's worth it, and I can afford it.

That's what my auntie said. "What price peace of mind?"

And your son will be relieved.

He'll want his mum to have triple-A-plus security.

-That's enough of you.

-Sons worry.

Alasdair does, he never stops.

Oh... Hello, George.

I'M the son.

Oh, hello!

I've heard a lot about you. Well, all good, mate, no need to worry!

You SHOULD worry, you unscrupulous git.

-I beg your pardon?!

-Some thug in a balaclava?

Nice try at putting the frighteners on my mother.

Oh, you're a class act, aren't you?

It's a good job we've got it all recorded.

See that?

Go on, give it a smile.

And that one.

Go on, say cheese.

-You can't do that.

-And yet we did.

He's very clever.

80/50. That's a little low.

You know what would get my blood pressure up?

Waiting around for an hour before every appointment at St Phil's -

that's what. And the one time I'm five minutes late - because I had

to walk it there, I had no bus money - the woman at reception

throws a blue fit, calls me out in front of everyone.

Nah, not going to happen.

Right.

-Well, will you need a fit note for work?

-I'm not working.

And since when was a sick note a fit note? Ridiculous.

You haven't been sleeping on this, have you?

Do you think I'm stupid?

You make assumptions and you're rude.

Lord, give me strength!

Please, Carolina, stop this.

Look at all the changes you've made.

Whatever you're doing, you should bottle it,

because it's doing you good.

I suppose I'm more connected to my faith.

-Well, that's good.

-I have someone in my life.

-Great.

-He's good for me.

He makes me feel cared for.

I'll tell you what, why don't I put the kettle on,

-we'll have a cup of tea?

-Oh, wicked!

Sorry?

You know I can't nod.

I'll put the kettle on.

-You can't film people without their consent. Give me that!

-No.

You can't deliberately frighten old people with special needs.

I haven't got special needs, dear.

Your mother was quite happy for us to quote.

I didn't say no.

You thought all your Christmases had come at once, didn't you?

Well, they haven't. You tried to take advantage

of my mother's fragility. And you are practised at this.

You do it all the time, don't you, Shyster!

Let me get this right - special needs, fragility?

You're saying your mother is mentally incapable?

Alasdair!

Which kind of tea would you like?

Don't care.

Gosh, somebody's looking after you.

No junk food.

No builders' brew.

Carolina is caffeine-free now.

What are you doing here?

Is Carolina in trouble?

No. I'll ask you again, what are you doing in this flat?

-You're a cop.

-I'm a GP,

who happens to work with the police - as a doctor.

Like I was the night you abused my colleague.

So, I'll ask you again.

What are you doing in the kitchen of my patient,

who happens to be a young black woman?

Surely you can see why I'm concerned.

You don't need to.

I owe Carolina my life.

When you saw me, I was polluted.

Then I got sick and I ended up sleeping on the sidewalk.

I believe the Lord helped me and Carolina find each other.

She just picked you up off the street and asked you to live here?

She showed me love.

-I would never hurt her.

-Yes, well, you would say that, wouldn't you?

She gave me a bed and got me well.

The first time I was strong enough,

I found the Black Jesus. He was surely a sign.

I am ashamed of my behaviour...

..and the words I used and the way I used them.

But I own that shame

and I have repented.

That's all right, then, isn't it?

Finding Him, was proof Carolina was right to help me.

Only, now you want to go home,

but it's difficult because she's become so reliant on you.

Hey! Samuel!

You not going to come in and say hello?

Please don't say anything.

I need a little more time.

Please.

This must be terribly embarrassing for you.

I'm so sorry.

Is your mother certifiably senile, Mr Haskey?

-It's Doctor. Dr Haskey.

-Right, so, it's your medical opinion, then?

We supply replacement windows and doors.

Our customers aren't required to pass mental agility tests.

It's not our job to make sure they're right in the head.

So, if Mrs Haskey isn't,

then I suggest you get some legal advice on cancelling her contract.

Cup of tea?

How do you sleep at night?

She's not my mother.

MOBILE PHONE ALERT

Oh, that's interesting.

You see, I posted a little clip of our home movie online.

It's only been ten minutes and yet, there's already been a comment.

"I recognise that con man.

"He ripped my grandad off for £10,000."

You are going to pay back my mother every single penny

you took from her, or the whole video goes online.

Do you catch my drift, you repugnant little worm?

RINGTONE: Theme from The Sweeney

Hello?

Rob, hi. Listen, I need a favour.

-Yup.

-SIREN BLARES

Do you remember that tall American guy that we had in

-around Bonfire Night - the skinhead.

-Samuel Troyer.

-You remember him?

-I remember him because he came down the station

a few weeks ago to apologise to Janet.

She was quite touched by it, said it meant a lot.

Anyway, what about him? Because he will have gone home by now,

his visa was up in February.

All right, thanks.

It's the berry tea.

This is what I should bottle, Dr Reid - Samuel.

Yes, well, we've met.

Just now.

My beautiful Jesus - Samuel found him for me.

Samuel's the decorator - he's the one that buys the kale!

He changed my life.

And you've changed his, apparently.

How do you know that?

Samuel's going to be completely honest with you.

Aren't you, Samuel?

What are you talking about? What's going on?

-Oh, my God, oh, my God!

-All right, all right, don't panic.

It's just the cord that's broken, all right? It's not a sign.

-It's not an omen.

-What is wrong with you?

I know it's not - it freaked me out.

Do you have any idea how offensive you're being?

-Me?!

-You see a black woman and a naive piece of art

and you think I must be all oogie-boogie-voodoo

and it must be a sign if it falls off the wall?!

That's so racist.

Oh, I'M the one who's racist, am I?!

No, it's me.

I was.

I got locked up.

I was high and I was horrible to a policewoman.

I cussed her.

The N word.

Samuel, you looked like a fascist when I found you...

..but you also looked like you were dying,

and you needed my help.

That's who you were THEN.

He's not that person now.

-Are you?

-No.

That's why I need to go.

-I need my home.

-You're going to leave me?

No, no, I'm saving money so we can go together.

You want us to be together?

Not like that.

Oh, hey, hey.

-Ashley's left you a voicemail.

-Oh, no, I'm still screening.

-Whatever.

You're going to have to do The Icon run.

Why? I did it last time.

-Do I have to?

-Valerie! I've got a whopping blister.

Tash is going to sort it out, but not till later,

Rob is coming in with my trainers, I'm not walking anywhere until then,

so, you - Icon, lunch run.

Ow!

Mother gets all her money back

or every second of that goes online.

You'll take down what's up there now?

Yes, I will.

We'll repay your mother's payment back into her account.

And you're going to call your boss?

I don't have to.

Take it off the internet and I'll authorise the transaction.

Nothing comes offline until the money is in her account.

I want your word that nothing else goes up, obviously.

I presume your word's worth having?

Hurry up, Dr Reid. Show's over.

I want to know that you're going to be all right.

Have you not seen enough?

I'm worried about you.

Your neck, all of this...

All right, well, look. Samuel, will you pick up her prescription?

You will do it?

If there's anything else you need, then you'll call me at the surgery?

You've done more than enough.

All this honesty must be good.

Thanks, Doctor.

Let's get all this embarrassment over with.

If I could take a pill and be in love with you, I would.

DOOR CLOSES

-The money I'm saving is to take you home with me.

-Why?

Why would you do that?

Why would you plan something like that without talking to me first?!

It's weird, Samuel.

It's crazy.

# ..with or without you

# The five years we have had have been such good times... #

Uh, the Mill phoned through a lunch order.

-15 minutes.

-15.

# I guess it's just what I must do

# Don't, don't you want me? #

So, are we in agreement?

What's online comes down, money back, no more films.

-Simple.

-The longer the video's out there, the more you stand to lose.

Blackmail's never pretty, is it?

If I were you, I'd consider damage limitation about now.

You'll never get the better of my son.

MOBILE PHONE ALERT Ooh, what's that?

Another comment! "This scumbag frightened my sister into buying

"doors and double glazing she didn't need."

That's 2-0, isn't it? You sure you want to keep playing?

OK, OK. We'll do it this way. I'll refund your mother,

you take the film down

and tell all your FANS to contact the company directly.

-For full refunds?

-We've supplied and installed quality products

-in good faith!

-No, no, no!

The video stays up unless everybody gets their money back.

You won't know what hit you, you shyster.

You tell him, Mother.

So?

-Yes, all right, then.

-I'm sorry, we didn't hear that.

I said yes, all right, then. You think you've got me over a barrel.

That's because he has.

You, sir, are going to take a long, hard look at your business ethics -

we're going to be keeping an eye on you,

and if we don't like what we see...

Next time, Mother won't be so nice.

Now, get out.

# Street's like a jungle

# So call the police... #

I don't know why I'm here.

You may not have listened to my messages,

but fate has plans for you.

Actually, it was rather a humdrum collection of occurrences.

Don't take away the magic.

Let's call it destiny.

Destiny brought about by Karen's new shoes.

-How so?

-Well, what started as a small rub

turned into a whopping great blister.

-Oh, that's quite an image.

-They're not very magical, are they -

Karen Hollins's feet?!

Expecting me to emigrate to America

and be your pity project on some farm

in the middle of nowhere. Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds?

I couldn't be more sorry.

For when you were a racist or for when you stopped being one?

You made me into a good person.

You have to believe that.

If I didn't, you wouldn't be here.

I'll re-string it.

-Will you be all right?

-Do you care?

Oh, come on. You know I care about you.

Enough to get me to emigrate, but not to...

I'm sorry if I've hurt you again.

Oh, change the record, Samuel!

I won't miss your bad temper, though.

Petty.

Judgmental.

Bit harsh.

I will miss you.

Always.

Yeah, well.

And, hey presto,

money is back in your account.

Remind me to take that surveillance footage down,

say, sometime this evening.

Mum, might now be a good time to talk about power of attorney?

You want to get your hands on my money?

-No!

-You couldn't even organise your pocket money as a boy.

Mother, it's got nothing to do with money, OK?

I can't keep going home and leaving you here alone.

I just can't do it - so how about

we look into finding you somewhere closer to me?

Just stop this, stop it!

I won't go! I want to stay here!

I won't go to wherever it is that YOU live.

I never laugh with my wife.

We don't have fun.

She hates quiche.

Not everyone's a fan.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Not like you do.

You're hardly unfathomable.

I want to be a good person,

but she makes it so difficult.

Oh...

So sorry!

Let me... Sorry!

ICE CUBE CLATTERS

Oh, dear! Um...

Sorry.

You need to have respect for your mother.

Am I supposed to be apologising?

Yes. I may not remember what I had for my breakfast,

or what we watched on the television last night.

-We watched...

-It doesn't matter!

-Thousands of people are living with dementia, and

-I

-will live with it.

I just want to take control and be my own person for as long as I can.

Mother, I know that, but...

I'm very grateful for everything you do, but I'm not prepared

to give up on myself. Not yet.

You made lemon meringue pie?

I'm not leaving.

That's complicated. Where's the recipe book?

In my head.

For now.

Along with a lot of other more-important things.

I hear you, Mum.

Really? What did I say?

Alisdair is to make no plans without consulting his mother first.

Hallelujah!

Excitement and lust become powerful things.

-Lust.

-But we must best our cravings.

They're powerful because they're important.

What's the alternative?

Dry, chaste boredom?

I can't be the other woman, Ashley.

-And I don't believe you'd want me to be.

-But I do... I just...

-Hush.

-..want you!

-No.

Oh, Valerie.

Ooh, lemon meringue pie.

Irresistible.

I've got to go.

-What if

-I

-were a pie, Valerie?

What if I were a shortcrust pastry case filled with lemon curd...?

What if I was spread with meringue?

-Stop it.

-Zesty.

-No, we can't...

-Taste my sugary goodness!

-We need to get things sorted.

-What do you care?!

-Of course I care.

-Then, why do you want to take my home away?

Why are you tormenting that poor young woman?

Ashley's booked us a hotel for a dangerous liaison this afternoon.

You can't just pop off with him for a quick bonk at lunchtime.

Amy, Sean's dead.

How could he possibly be sending you texts?