Swansong Doctors

You've got the wrong man.

If you say so.

Look at that - police brutality.

-Doesn't look too bad to me.

-You would say that, wouldn't you?

We can get our medical examiner to take a look at you, if you're worried about it.

Yeah. I think that would be for the best, don't you?

You know, my taxes pay your wages.

You should treat me with respect.

Ah, Dr Clay, will you give Mr Willis the once over, please?

-Yeah, of course.

-He tripped over his own feet trying to do a runner.

I tripped cos they pushed me.

You filthy pigs.

HE OINKS

Off you go.

Does he have an appointment?

I think she means you.

-PUPPET:

-No, not me.

I'm just here keeping my friend company while he goes to see the vet.

I don't need to see the vet. I need to see the doctor.

What's a doctor going to do with you? I could do a song?

No, that's fine, I'd rather you just stay quiet.

I won't say another word.

This won't last.

MUFFLED SPEECH I beg your pardon?

OK, that's enough. Mr Wilcox, and Mr...

Don't you know who I am?

This is Marvin the Lonely Dragon.

-Why is he lonely?

-Because I got washed up on this funny little island,

but one day I'll get home.

One day.

Well, it's very nice to meet you, Marvin.

The thing is we don't really allow pets in the surgery.

He doesn't like the P word.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure he'll forgive you if you agree to come to our show this lunchtime.

Well, I don't know.

Pleeeeaase. Please.

Stop it.

Just a graze.

Yeah, could have been a lot worse.

Well, fortunately for you, it isn't.

They pushed me to the ground, treated me like a common criminal.

I could have hit my head.

Did you?

That's not the point.

Well, as long as you remember to keep these clean

while they're healing.

I think you'll be fine. Other than that, I think you'll survive.

I only ran cos they came at me.

Uh-huh.

-I was just helping out a mate who asked me to shift some of his old tat.

-Uh-huh.

How was I supposed to know the folks that really lived there

were out the country?

Look, I'm just here to make sure you're OK to be interviewed.

I've got nothing to do with your case.

Patch 'em up and shift 'em on again, that's how it is?

You've got a visitor.

-Hi.

-You look terrible.

-Thanks.

You been out on the town? You've got that morning-after look.

I'm just tired. A hen-do last night.

That's how it starts, isn't it? A few drinks with friends.

Next thing you know, the late nights become early mornings

and you're still knocking back the shots.

Are you seriously lecturing me on the perils of drinking?

I'm just saying you need to be careful.

Help yourself if you want a drink.

-No thanks. We're going out.

-We are?

Yeah, get dressed. I've got a surprise for you.

I don't like surprises.

Yeah, well, you'll like this one, trust me.

Go on, go and make yourself look presentable.

Al, have you heard of Marvin the Lonely Dragon?

You been internet dating again?

Ha-ha, very funny! No, he's a puppet.

A puppet?

Yeah, an actual puppet. He was here earlier.

Well, I hope he feels better soon.

He wasn't a patient, his owner was the patient.

Is owner the right word?

What do you call the man who sticks his hand up the puppet's opening?

Desperate?

Ventriloquist! Apparently they've been performing together for years.

I've never heard of them.

They're one of those old-fashioned acts.

They do a bit of banter, tell jokes, sing songs.

Sounds absolutely hideous.

Well, it's not meant for old cynics like you.

They've got a show this lunchtime.

Apparently they are about to make it big.

-They've got talent scouts going and everything.

-Yeah, course they have.

Riddle me this - who has their big showcase in Letherbridge

at lunchtime?

Since when were you a showbiz expert?

I'm just pointing out what any rational, sane person would see.

Valerie, don't tell me you're going to go along?

Look, all the kids watch these days

is violent nonsense made by computers.

This sort of traditional entertainment needs supporting or we'll lose it.

Well, I say good riddance.

Give me computer-made violent nonsense any day of the week.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hello.

Mr Willis is fit to be questioned.

-Obviously.

-I'm just following procedure.

People like him, they drive me up the wall.

You know we caught him red-handed, flogging the contents of someone's

house on their own front drive like he lived there.

He says he was helping a mate do a house clearance.

I've heard it all from him, how he didn't know the people

who really owned the place were abroad and so on.

-He doesn't half talk.

-Shameless.

-I best get on.

-Hang on a minute.

He said that the people who owned the house were abroad?

Yeah. He mentioned it when I was examining him.

I wonder how he knew that?

The box office said there's been a real buzz.

-It looks like we'll sell out.

-Did you contact the agents?

-Of course.

-You've got to keep pestering them though.

They say they'll turn up, but when it comes down to it...

It's all in hand, Dad.

-Are you sure you shouldn't stick to the tried and tested material?

-Not this again!

I just think you should play to your strengths.

Look, I did that act for 30 years and where did that get me -

a lifetime spent in damp seaside B&Bs and three broken marriages.

You just need the right break.

If someone was going to snap up the old act, they'd have done it by now.

They think I'm a dinosaur.

These days, things have got to be "modern" and "relevant",

whatever that means.

Maybe we should have tried the new material first.

-Gotten a feel for how it plays...

-I know what I'm doing!

Kids today don't want someone like Marvin.

It's the adults, it's the people who saw us when they were young -

-that's how we get to the next level.

-Uh-huh.

So, if you've finished lecturing me, I'd like to focus.

Yes.

Break a leg, Dad.

I'm not naughty.

Where are you taking her?

-It's...

-A surprise, I know.

You sure you're not going to stress her out?

-It will be fine.

-You know what she's like.

-I appreciate what you're saying, but...

-I just don't want her coming back in pieces.

She won't.

Are you sure? Cos I'm the one who'll have to deal with her once you're gone.

Look, I'm taking her to see Sierra, OK?

Oh.

You sure that's a good idea?

Yeah, I think it is.

Ready?

I don't know about this.

-I want to know where we're going.

-The park. It will be nice.

I'm not a child. I don't want to go and play on the swings.

You'll enjoy it, trust me.

Please, Mum.

Enjoy the show. Enjoy the show.

Do you still have tickets?

-Yes.

-How much are they?

It's free. Go on in.

Oh. Is something wrong?

No, not at all. How did you hear about the show?

Well, I don't want to get all

namedrops-keep-falling-on-my-head, but I met them earlier.

Warren and Marvin. They said I should come.

Oh. I didn't realise Dad had been out drumming up business.

Oh, you're his son? Warren's, not the dragon's. Obviously.

Guilty as charged.

I'm also his manager, so if you need a top notch act for a private event.

He does a great show for corporate clients.

I don't think the people I work with would appreciate him.

Well, at least you have exceptional taste.

Thank you, I've always thought that.

Bye.

-About time. I was wondering...

-I brought somebody to see you.

Sierra!

Come here, love.

Thanks.

So have you seen them before?

Who?

Warren and Marvin.

Is that who we're watching?

Yep.

Do you know, we used to have acts like this on the telly all the time.

They might have been naive, but they always had heart.

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, hello! Thanks for coming. Thank you, thank you.

Shut your trap, it's me they want to hear from.

All right, Marvin, never mind.

So what did you do this weekend, Marvin?

I was at home with the old ball and chain.

Oh, dear. You know what she said to me?

What did she say?

She said, "Whisper in my ear, the dirtiest things you can think of."

What did you say?

I said the kitchen, the bedroom and the bathroom,

so she knows where to start cleaning!

No, it's not all fun and games being married, I can tell you that.

-Really?

-Oh, no, no.

She looked at me the other day,

she said "I was an idiot when I married you."

-What did you say?

-I said, "You still are!"

There must be some things you like about her?

Yeah, there is. She's kept her looks, I'll say that much.

The other day I told her she looked so hot, I wanted to take her...

Behind the begonias.

Nah, I wasn't hiding. I thought I heard a distressed cat.

This elusive "mate" of yours, whose house you were helping to clear out.

-Does he have a name?

-More of a nickname.

Everyone calls him Badger.

-Don't know why.

-And you don't know his real name?

No, he's more of an acquaintance.

Somebody you occasionally see down the pub.

How was I supposed to know he was going to set me up?

He just gave me the address, said he'd be there to help when he knocked off work.

See, the lock on the back door had been broken.

I didn't notice.

He said it would be unlocked and it was so I let myself in.

So you didn't force it?

No, of course not. What do you think I am?

-And you thought that this house belonged to Badger?

-Yeah.

First I knew any different was when you lot showed up.

You see, the thing is, you told our medical examiner

the people who owned the house were abroad?

I never said that.

Maybe you let it slip out during one of your monologues?

He must have misheard me then.

Stop playing games and wasting everybody's time!

Interview suspended, 14.45.

We'll continue this shortly.

Hurry back, Sergeant.

I want to make sure I get off by supper time.

She seemed to like it.

-And what did she say?

-Not on a Tuesday.

What about her family then?

I mean, I bet your mother-in-law's a dragon?

Hey, I'll do the jokes. No, she is though.

You know, I always know when she's coming round.

Oh, really, how?

The rats throw themselves on the traps.

Oh, dear me.

-No, we don't go round there though.

-Why's that?

I let the wife navigate.

She can't read a map, she can't drive.

It's a wonder I let her have a kitchen at all.

Mind you, she's dynamite in bed.

-Is she now?

-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I can't think of anyone else who'd let me...

Have fun at the play park and then go for a 99.

-Or we could stay here and have cake.

-Whatever Sierra wants.

Can we play a game?

That sounds good. Why don't you go and pick one?

How did you arrange this?

I told Social Services I thought you were ready.

You've got to report back afterwards?

Mum, just try and enjoy this time with her, all right.

-I don't like being spied on.

-I didn't have to do this.

I am on your side, you know.

Yeah, sorry.

I wasn't sure I'd ever get to be like this with her again.

Well, if you can stay sober then this could be the first of many meetings.

Oh, that looks like a good one.

-It is, I've played it before.

-You'll have to teach me the rules.

-Mind she doesn't cheat though.

-Hey!

Remember when you taught me to play draughts?

You started with five more pieces than me!

-I was trying to share an important life lesson with you.

-Yeah?

People don't play fair.

And anyone that does, loses...

It and end up playing with themselves until a younger model comes along.

Oh, I'm not naughty.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming along.

Thank you very much, thank you. Bye-bye.

Did you think that was funny?

Are you kidding? It was excruciating.

Sort of thing my dirty-minded uncle would have liked.

And he got locked up in the end.

But you were laughing.

-That's what they paid us for, wasn't it?

-Paid you?

Yeah. Weren't you?

The guy over there, he came to the college bar last week.

Offered 20 quid to anyone who'd come and pretend to enjoy it.

KNOCK AT DOOR Yeah.

-Jimmi, about Mr Willis.

-Yes.

-Did he tell you anything else?

Yes, that he was innocent and the whole world is out to get him.

-Yeah, I got that bit.

-He offered it up voluntarily and it seemed relevant.

But to be honest I was just making sure he was OK.

-His fatally grazed hands?

-Sorry.

-He's just not giving much away.

You must have done a background check on him. Didn't that throw anything up?

-Yeah, course I did.

-Right.

-Best get on.

-Yeah.

Thank you. Thanks for coming.

Spread the word - Marvin and Warren have arrived!

Thank you. How did you like that?

Not one little bit.

I didn't expect it to be so...filthy.

It's true, Dad has updated his act a little.

Updated? It was sexist, narrow-minded and offensive.

-But the crowd seemed to like it.

-Because you paid them to.

Keep your voice down.

-Oh, he doesn't know.

-Here.

-I don't want your money.

But if I could just get the last hour of my life back,

-that would be nice.

-Please don't tell him.

-The coast is clear.

-Good.

Oh, you tricked me, you little monkey.

Monkey? You want to get your eyes tested, Grandad.

Shh, the fans are waiting.

Now, I've been wondering how you knew these people were abroad?

Do I have to keep saying this?

I have no idea what you are on about.

Well, let me help you out.

See, I've done some checking and I have found out that you

are a part-time cab driver.

I've spoken to your dispatcher

and you have done a lot of airport transfers recently.

-So?

-We've had quite a few of these incidents of fake

house-clearances reported.

And would you believe it? You have taken a lot of them to the airport.

Now you can carry on playing games if you want to, but we will

get sufficient evidence to prosecute you for breaking and entering.

But here's the thing, the courts may look favourably on you

if you cooperate and help us identify anyone else involved.

Would you like a few minutes to think about that?

-So why did you do it?

-Look at him.

Do you know the last time I saw him this happy?

But it's not real.

He's spent decades playing second fiddle to a felt dragon -

do you think he's bothered about the real world?

What's he going to think when he finds out they don't really like his act?

He can't. When he feels things are going bad, he drinks.

It's been bad recently.

I just wanted to do this for him cos I thought I could pull him out of it.

But what about when the phone doesn't start ringing?

I presume there weren't any real talent scouts in there.

Look, if you've got any better plans, I'd love to hear them.

I thought not.

-My dear, thank you for coming.

-Who's this?

Oh, the receptionist. How did you like the show?

Was I fantastic or just amazing?

It wasn't what I was expecting.

Well, wouldn't life be dull if we always got what we were expecting?

Did you enjoy it, Dad?

I had a miserable time, but he seems happy enough.

It was wonderful.

Well, I ought to be going.

Don't you want my autograph while you can still afford it?

No thanks.

Hey, did you get him to cough up?

You wouldn't want to have sat through that for nothing.

Apparently some of them got an extra five quid to wait around

afterwards and ask for his autograph.

What?

-I win.

-You definitely cheated.

-Did not!

-Face it, she outplayed us both.

-Fair enough. The best woman won.

I better get her back to Tracey's.

-I understand.

-I won't be long.

So if you want to get another drink, I'll come and pick you up in a bit.

-I can walk. I could do with the air.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

Bye, Sierra.

I'll see you very soon.

OK, come on.

Thank you.

He's not going to want the money back, is he?

-I think you better go.

-Did you pay all of them?

-Most.

And what about the agents?

You didn't bother calling any of them, did you?

-I called every single one. They weren't interested...

-What about you, were you in on this?

No, of course not. You invited me yourself.

Well, I thought he might have slipped you a couple of quid, just so you'd laugh.

I didn't laugh.

-Sorry, I didn't mean that.

-Yes, you did.

Look, honestly, I did not like some of the language you used.

And the jokes were crude and old-fashioned.

But I think Marvin is a very good character.

Liars! Everywhere I look!

Interview terminated, 1600 hours.

For what it's worth, Paul, you made the right choice.

I look forward to talking to your "colleagues".

There might be others. I don't know everyone involved.

This will do for starters.

You won't tell them where you got their names from?

Your secret is safe with me.

LOUD CRASH

Rob...

Hey.

Listen, he'll be all right. He'll realise that you meant well.

You obviously don't know him.

All you were trying to do was to lift his spirits.

For years he's had this stupid dream of hitting the big time.

-There's nothing wrong with dreaming.

-There is if it only makes you unhappy.

He's not good enough.

Maybe he used to be, but the world moved on and he didn't.

That show you just watched - that's his attempt at being up to date.

I told him he'd got it all wrong, but he wouldn't listen.

Most of the clubs that take those kind of blue acts aren't around any more.

Well, can't he just stick to his kids' routine?

He thinks he's above that.

And the kids aren't really into that kind of act any more.

Dad doesn't fit anywhere.

I'd best clean up.

I've only got the theatre for another half hour.

You paid for all of this yourself?

I'm his manager. His son.

I had to try something.

Here.

Keep it.

Maybe you can get a few quid for it on the internet.

I don't want to see that stupid thing again.

KNOCK AT DOOR Go away.

I hope you're not doing anything stupid in here.

Oh.

I thought you might want him back.

I wish I'd never seen the stupid creature.

Will you stop wishing your life away!

You've no right to talk to me like that.

Maybe not. But your son doesn't deserve this.

He's at his wits' end because of these wild dreams of yours.

This is the same son who thinks people have to be paid to enjoy my act?

That money came out of his own pocket.

Who do you think paid for the theatre?

-If that doesn't show how much he loves you, I don't know what will.

-What's my legacy going to be?

That I entertained some bored tourists at the end of a pier.

You've made a living doing something you really enjoy.

-Not everyone can say that.

-It's all so small.

You are the father to someone who cares about you very much.

Doesn't that count for something?

There's worse things in life than not being famous.

I was ill.

And if I didn't have the support of the people who cared about me,

I wouldn't have made it through.

You are so blessed, if only you could see it.

I thought she was with you.

She was, but I had to take Sierra back.

I tried calling her but she's not answering.

She should be back by now.

Well, why did you let her go off on her own?

-You knew she'd be emotional.

-She said she wanted to walk.

And now she could be anywhere. I said you shouldn't have taken her.

This is just the sort of thing to set her off again.

I thought it would make her happy.

It will send her running, make her want to lose herself in something.

All or nothing, that's Bren.

-I'm going to try her again.

-You don't need to phone me, I'm right here.

-Where have you been?

-Walking. Thinking.

Didn't realise I had to report back to you.

What's this?

The latest update on the plans to demolish the houses.

You're kidding?

It's nothing new. Don't worry yourself about it.

How was today, Bren?

It was good, wasn't it?

This is ridiculous!

They haven't paid attention to any of our objections.

-We've got to fight it.

-Just leave it for now.

How can I?

We've got to be better organised, make sure the word gets out.

Then you should have stayed at the last protest.

Oh, so this is all my fault now, is it?

No. Of course it isn't.

Look, the others are doing what they can.

That might be enough.

No, no, no!

We have to call people to account. They can't do this to us.

How was it this afternoon?

Bet it was nice to see Sierra?

It was lovely.

But I have to focus on this now.

HE CLEARS THROAT

We have to get out.

There's another group that need the theatre.

I'll see you, Dad.

-Wait.

-What?

Thank you.

Any time.

Rob, have you got a minute?

-Yeah.

-Shut the door, mate.

What's wrong?

That's really what I was going to ask you,

cos you haven't been yourself today.

I've just got a confession out of our friend with grazed hands.

I'd call that a win.

I realise we haven't really spoke about the RTC,

about what happened with the driver.

That's because we don't need to.

It's just that sometimes that can really affect people.

That kind of thing, they find it hard to talk about.

For sure.

I have spoken to all the relevant officers about what happened.

I took the voluntary leave that was offered.

Look, what happened was horrific, it was, but I've been doing

and seeing this sort of thing for far too long to let it get to me.

Good. As long as you're OK.

Thanks for your concern.

Well, you know where I am. I'm here if you need me.

Thanks, Jimmi.

PHONE RINGS

TYRES SQUEAL

CAR CRASHES

You are about to be married in less than nine hours.

Constable Watson.

Yes, Sarge.

I have just the thing for you to get your teeth into.

-Hi, Amber. What's up?

-She's not coping.

Ready?

You're the scum! You're the ones who should be kicked out.

See how you like it when we redevelop this!