21/10/2011 EastEnders

Um, yeah. So if you could pick him up?

No?

OK, yeah. Well, I'll drop him off, then.

OK. Thank you, Aunty Carol.

Oh, why is there never anything in here any more? I'm starving!

COUGHING

-What was that?

-Nothing...

Well, it sounded like Mum chucking up.

PHONE RINGS Whit?

-Lauren, what do I do?

-'About what?'

-Fats, he's out looking for me.

-'And where are you?'

Hiding.

-Why?

-'I don't know,'

it was the first thing I thought of doing. Lauren, we kissed, right?

'Me and Fats! What does that even mean?'

It means that you like him!

Yeah, it does, doesn't it?

Oh, you idiot!

-What?

-No, sorry, not you, Whitney. Look, I've got to go. Good luck.

-What're you doing?

-I'm just off to the salon, darling.

Mum, we heard you being sick.

It was nothing. It was just a wave. I'm fine now.

Mum, please, look, you're exhausted.

Will you stop telling me how I'm feeling!

Sorry, I'm sorry.

It's just that I can't seem to relax, you know? I think it would be best if I just kept busy.

Right, you've got Oscar all sorted, haven't you?

And well, besides, I feel much better today.

Yeah, you don't look it.

Please, will you just stop fussing over me every five minutes?

I'm YOUR mum, remember?

I'll see you later.

DOOR SLAMS

It ain't a Ferrari,

but if it's reliability you're after, then this is your motor, bruv.

Um... Give me one minute. Have a look.

Hey, I was looking for you.

Look, um... Can you take a lunch break?

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

What?

Nothing.

SHE GIGGLES

Give us a bag of chips, will you? I'm starving.

-I skipped breakfast.

-There's a queue, love.

D'you realise who you're talking to? Tell him, Ian.

Mandy, I'm a bit busy at the moment.

-He proposed last night.

-Mandy!

Oh, I'm sorry, have I embarrassed you?

No, it's... Look, I'm at work.

Fine.

-Oh, the answer's no, by the way.

-What?!

No, I won't marry you.

-Yeah, but you said yes.

-No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

So, you remember the word "yes" coming out of my mouth, do you?

Hmm.

-Ian! Should I serve myself?

-I'll be back in a minute.

-Mandy, wait, wait, wait.

-You didn't even do it properly.

How do you mean?

Well, I don't see a ring on my finger, do you?

Now, if you want me to be your wife, Ian,

you're going to have to prove it.

All right, fellas?

-Oh!

-Hey, you all right?

-No, my leg.

I know that mood, bruv.

Look, don't get me wrong, I'm with you all the way on this,

but Fats is not as tidy as you, is he?

I mean, do you really want to end up in front of a judge over a girl?

Look, don't worry about it, Pops, it's not the end of the world, we'll find somewhere else.

Yeah, but where will we find a chocolate fountain at such short notice?

All right ladies? What's up?

It's Poppy's 21st today.

She had this room booked for a party at this well exclusive club, right,

frequented by the creme de la creme of reality stars, football players, you name it...

Then some trumped-up daddy's girl goes and pays triple,

so she's having her 18th there,

which means I'm left without so much as a Big Brother reject.

Girls, I think I might just be your knight in shining armour.

Why? Do you know anyone famous?

No. Well, not exactly. But who needs celebrities when you got our gaffe?

Moon parties are legendary, right, Ant?

Yeah. Legendary!

-Can I have a chocolate fountain?

-It's your party, babe.

You can have a chocolate unicorn if you want.

Are you serious about this?

Best idea I've had all week.

-Great timing.

-Sit yourself down, mate.

Ben's just pulled a muscle.

-I said I'd take him through some warm-up exercises.

-I just bought lunch.

Thought we were meant to be cutting back on expenses.

-You know, with the solicitor's fees.

-Oh. Sorry, forgot.

-Well, a couple of quid won't matter, will it?

-Smells good.

-I'm sure there's enough for everyone, ain't there, Sy?

-'Course.

-Gaynor. Gaynor, could you do this for me, please?

-Yeah, sure.

-Thank you. Sorry.

-How you doing?

-Hi.

DOOR OPENS

Greg!

-What are you...

-I wanted to see you.

Really?

How are you?

I'm sorry, sorry...

I'm fine. This is just a bit of a shock.

It's really good to see you.

It's good to see you, too.

We'll move the sofa into the yard, make way for a serious mosh pit.

-Dance area?

-Yeah, yeah.

-I can bring those fairy lights from round my mirror...

The pink ones? Oh, they are lovely.

What about some music? We'll need some tunes, you know,

-like a DJ or something to like lay them down?

-Fats...

-..you're known to spin the odd disc, right?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Party tonight, round ours. You're both invited.

So, are you two like a couple, then, or...?

Yeah, yeah. This is my boyfriend.

Well, good luck to you.

-What does that mean?

-Nothing.

-Ah, well, I think it's well sweet.

-Yeah, you guys are adorable.

Anyway, party tonight round ours. You coming or not?

Or are you one of them boring couples that sits in watching DVDs?

-No. We'll come. Won't we, Fats?

-Yeah, yeah, why not?

-Great. Great.

All right, well we're going to grab a drink, all right?

Bye.

So, do you really want to be my lady, then?

Yeah.

Wow. Hoorah! Um...

-Is that you off?

-Yeah. See you later. Quiet one tonight, yeah?

You fancy a cup of tea, Ben?

DOOR CLOSES

What's your favourite film?

Oh, I don't know. There're so many.

I guess...

Well, when I was your age, Stand By Me.

What's it about?

Well, it's about this kid who feels trapped by his family.

Dad's a criminal waster and everyone thinks he's going to turn out the same way.

I guess at the time, I could relate to that. What's yours?

Don't really watch films at my house. Just sport and video games.

Dad reckons it's a waste of time.

I tell you what, why don't you borrow one of mine?

Mind you, I think Jane took my copy of Stand By Me and never returned it.

-Sisters, eh?

-Thanks.

So, you're, like, together?

I know it's a bit quick, but it just feels right, somehow.

And we've been mates for a while and I don't want to muck it up.

Yeah? Then don't.

Oh. How straightforward everything is in Lauren's world(!)

Listen, are you going to come to this party with me later?

I need a mate there, with Tyler thinking he's all man.

Yeah.

-Cool.

-Whit?

I'm really happy for you.

Right, so d'you want a cup of tea, or maybe some coffee or something?

No, I'm fine, actually.

Max not around?

-No, I haven't seen him since.

-I don't know why I asked.

You look tired, Tan.

Yeah, it's hard work, innit, being a single mum.

Sorry.

Didn't mean to sound self-pitying.

Obviously, I realise it's all my fault...

Lauren called me.

You spoke to her?

Yeah, she...

she was really worried about you.

Right.

So, this is some sort of mercy mission, is it?

-What?

-I can't believe she told you.

It's not a crime to be lonely, is it? I've missed you too.

Unless there's something else?

Tan?

Go on.

I've not been very well, Greg.

Yeah, well it's been going around, hasn't it?

It's worse than that.

What? Like cancer or something?

Right, that's it. I'm not asking again.

-'Scuse me?

-Cos I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of being treated like some stray dog

you stroke one day and kick the next.

Oh, grow up, will you? I've got more important things to worry about than your teenage ego.

Life ain't just holding hands and kissing behind bike sheds,

some of us actually have real problems...

Oh.

Pat?

-Pat?

-Mm.

Pat, Pat, what is it?

So are you...? What, you having chemotherapy?

Yeah, on Mondays. And then radiotherapy on weekdays.

I'm a bigger junkie than Rainie at the moment.

It's all right. I am still the same person.

I haven't had a complete sense-of-humour bypass.

How long?

I mean...

-will you...?

-Die?

-No. I didn't mean...

-Don't know. There's always a chance.

They don't really go into all that, it's...

I haven't actually asked them.

I suppose the treatment's more focused on...

-checking whether it's spread, scans and things.

-Aren't you scared?

I'm terrified.

But, you know, some days are bearable.

The other week I met this woman, Siobhan,

and we just had... Well, we just had a right old giggle

for literally 20 minutes, I forgot all about it.

A bit of a bummer when I remembered, but you've got to take the ups when you can.

Sorry, I'm really going on, aren't I? It's just that it's...

SHE SIGHS

It's bizarre, talking to someone I know about it.

It's a relief, actually.

Normally, it's me and Lauren, and she's just...

Oh, she has been amazing, but I do worry that...

that I'm burdening her, you know?

You all right? You look a bit pale.

Yeah, yeah, fine. Just...

I just remembered my car's on a meter.

I see.

No, honestly. I'll come back, I just need to...

Yeah, yeah, it's all right.

You don't have to explain, I understand.

-It's a lot to get your head round, innit?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I can understand you feeling funny cos...

it's big, right?

There's you thinking you were going to come round here and, what?

Didn't realise you'd be talking to a sick woman, did you?

It's probably a bit creepy.

Right, well you better go then, Greg,

before I get really morbid, start talking about things like death,

or worse still, expecting YOU to.

-Listen, it's obviously not helping me...

-Bye, Greg.

Greg?

What happened? Did she tell you?

She pushed you away, didn't she?

I was scared she'd do that. She didn't mean it.

She has these mood swings and she lashes out, but it's only cos she's frightened.

You've just got to keep trying, Greg.

What is it?

Sorry, Lauren, I don't think I can do this right now.

What?

It's all just too much.

I'm really sorry... I just... I can't.

-You mean, you're scared?

-Yeah.

Oh, right, well, join the club, Greg. Cos imagine how Mum feels!

Imagine what's going through her head right now!

I feel it, too.

The number of times I've wanted to run away and hide

and pretend that it's not happening, but I can't because she needs me!

Please, Greg.

You're still her husband. Doesn't that count for something?

If you ever loved her, then please don't go!

She needs you!

I need you.

Take care.

"Take care"?

DOOR SLAMS

ENGINE REVS

"Take care"?!

You can go to hell, Greg! JUST GO TO HELL!

You COWARD!

-DOOR SLAMS

-Lauren?

It's OK, Mum. We don't need him.

TANYA SOBS

Are you going to tell me what's up?

Ooh, you stubborn old mare!

It was that call from my son, Simon.

He's got himself in deep water, he's going to lose his house.

So I went to see my brokers,

try and get a loan, but I'm too old, apparently.

They're right, aren't they?

I'm just a useless, decrepit old woman...

How much?

-What?

-How much does he need?

No, Norman, I can't let you do that.

Rather see your son and grandchildren go homeless?

How much?

50 grand.

Leave with it me.

Oh, hello. Be back in a sec, mate.

I'm going to go and speak to the girls.

All right, babe.

You all right?

Yeah.

So, erm, look...

Listen, mate, erm...

-are we cool?

-Oh, mate, yeah, we're cool. Yeah, we're cool.

-Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-All right.

-Just...

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.

Forward. Forward, forward, forward.

Stop.

Go on, open them.

Well?

Yeah.

A night in your front room.

That's supposed to get me to marry you, is it?

I've gone to a lot of effort. I mean, it's romantic.

What is, Ian?

Hiding me away, so nobody sees us together?

Yes, I used to be a lap dancer.

I'm not ashamed of that, even if you are.

Where're you going?

There's a party on the Square.

What, that kids' thing? Oh, come on, Mandy, you're far too...

Oh, I do not give a flying fig.

DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS

Nice bath?

Come here.

LOUD MUSIC AND CHEERING

-Oh, that is lovely, innit?

-Lovely!

Ta.

Tyler, leave me alone.

-I can't stop thinking about you.

-Well, I'm with Fats.

-To get my attention, make me jealous. I get it.

-No.

-It's obvious you and him ain't got that spark.

-You're wrong.

-You're mates, that's all.

-Yeah, and that's how I know it's right.

I mean, he's funny, he's kind,

he's loyal, he's not going to let me down.

-So he's safe.

-He's what I need.

Look, I don't expect you to get that.

But then that's kind of the point.

SHE SIGHS

PHONE BEEPS

Lauren!

Oi. I thought this was supposed to be your party?

-So?

-So, why are you sitting in here, sulking?

Go and join your girly mates and have a girly dance.

Why don't you just shut your big, sexist gob and pour me one of them?

It's obvious, he fancies you rotten.

Oh, don't be stupid, I'm ancient to a kid like Ben.

Besides, Jane's like his surrogate aunty, so that would make me his uncle.

Now you're just making it sound weird.

-All right?

-All right.

-I'll head home. Catch me up?

I'm glad I bumped into you, actually. Er, well, I got something for you.

Ben, you really shouldn't have.

Don't worry. Saw it in the market, going cheap. And, well...

Well, you keep it.

I bought two copies.

Right.

-Well, I better be getting off.

-Yeah.

-Oi, you've had more than me!

-Yeah, you started before me!

Hardly had any before greedy guts got here.

Oi, it is rude to insult a lady!

A lady?

Where's she, then?

Ha, ha.

-Oi, you!

-Yeah?

OK, hand it over.

-Get off me!

-All right, I was just messing.

What you doing? What you doing?

I've had enough.

# No teasing

# I need you to get up up on the dance floor

# Give that man what he asking for

# Cos I feel like busting loose and I feel like touching you

# And can't nobody stop the juice

# So baby

# It's getting hot in here

# So take off all your clothes

# I am gettin so hot

# I wanna take my clothes off

# It's getting hot in here

# So take off all your clothes

# I am gettin so hot

# I wanna take my clothes off... #

Here. Stick this on.

Please.

MUSIC FADES

# It's hip to be square

# It's hip to be square

# I like my bands in business suits

# I watch them on TV... #

I can't dance!

Good. Come on.

# They tell me that it's good for me

# But I don't even care

# I know that it's crazy

# I know that it's nowhere

# But there is no denying that

# It's hip to be a square

# It's hip to be a square

# It's hip to be a square... #

Woohoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lauren?

Lauren, is that you?

Lauren?

Lauren?

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday dear Poppy... #

Poppity Poppity Pops!

# Happy birthday to you! #

-Hip hip...

-Hooray!

-Hip hip...

-Hooray!

-HIP HIP...

-Hooray!

-All right, let's get this party started!

# If you wanna get with me

# There's some things you gotta know

# I like my beats fast and my bass down low

# Ba-ba-bass, bass, bass down low

# Ba-ba-bass down low

# I-I-I like my beats fast and my bass down low

# Bass down low

# Ba-ba-bass, bass, bass down low... #

I'm not in the mood for a lecture, all right?

# One, two, three, OK

# Can I get a little Goose in my OJ?

# Every day feel like my birthday

# And we sip champagne when we thirsty

# Straight buzzin' Robotussin

# Wanna get ya mitts in my oven?

# Wanna get a lick of this lovin'?

# G-g-g-get a lick of this lovin'

# Yeah, I like it loud

# And I'll make you shout

# Give you that Black Eyed Peas

# You know that Boom Boom Pow

# If you wanna get with me There's some things you gotta know

# I like my beats fast And my bass down low

# Ba-ba-bass, bass, bass down low... #

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