Joke Club Doctors


Joke Club

Kevin fears he may be responsible when a student joke club spirals out of control and the pranks take a sinister turn. Jack blames Immie for his disastrous love life.


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Transcript


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# There's blood in the streets, it's up to my thigh...

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# There's blood on the streets... #

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-KNOCK AT CUBICLE DOOR

-Hello?

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Sally, is that you?

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Who is it?

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Get a life!

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SHE SHRIEKS

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SHE GASPS

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Idiots!

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No, please.

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Please. Please don't. Please!

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Please! Don't!

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Anyway, it was half a mile high!

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It is the tallest building in the world, Mum.

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I know, but it's no place to have dinner.

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'It nearly put me off my prawn cocktail!'

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Oh, they've forgotten the recycling.

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-You can't get the staff these days.

-Tell me about it.

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-Oh.

-'What?'

-I left a lamp on.

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-You are getting on a bit.

-Oh, thanks very much, Patrick(!)

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Have you got anyone else to go and annoy?

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Actually, I've got Thomas Addington waiting outside my door.

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'What's poor Thomas done?'

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He got caught telling a lie. Didn't you, Thomas?

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-You can come in now.

-Well, go easy on him.

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I will. And I'm glad you're back safe, Mum.

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-Thank you, darling, bye.

-'Bye.'

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'Jack? Come on!'

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I'm sure you're aware that, legally,

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Jack shouldn't really take you out.

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What?

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The law says you have to be over 21 to teach someone to drive.

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Bit late for that now, isn't it?

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It's my only option since you and mum bailed on me.

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-I won't get involved in all that again.

-He's late. Where is he?

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He's tired. He's been burning the candle at both ends.

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I know exactly what he's been doing.

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I don't care. I want my driving lesson!

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Here he is, Casanova.

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Neanderthals!

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-How can you bear to sit in the car with me?

-I'll manage(!)

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OK, let's get it over with. See you later.

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Look after my car!

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WORKMEN WOLF-WHISTLE

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I'd rather kill myself.

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Andy. Where are you?

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PHONE BEEPS

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Damn!

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Whoa! Watch out, you stupid girl!

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Haven't you got eyes?

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Unbelievable!

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And perfectly formed.

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What?!

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Will you move on from the blatant sexism?

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It's not big, it's not clever, and you look like an idiot.

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Women don't even like it.

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Frankly, don't you think you've got enough on your plate?

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Wow. That adrenaline's really kicked in.

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-My point stands.

-Fair do's.

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-Better?

-I think so.

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You are right. I thought it'd be peachy, having two girls on the go.

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But it's nothing but confusing.

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Last night, I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I mean it!

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I really like both of them.

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Really like them. Don't know what I'm going to do.

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Well, thank you for sharing that.

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But now I need to do a three point turn.

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First rule of Joke Club.

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Members don't get pranked.

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Second rule is "expect the unexpected".

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-Your rule, you should know.

-Shut up.

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You turned the lights off. Left me in the dark.

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I didn't...

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-I was in the dark.

-Sorry.

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It was me!

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Of course it was you! Have you told him?

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-Told me what?

-Tell him.

-What?

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-Joke Club is over. Finished.

-Yeah, right(!)

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We discussed it. We decided it was fun for a couple of months, but...

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-You can't decide that.

-I didn't.

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Andy?

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-We're not freshers any more.

-Grow some...

-Get stuffed.

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Come out of her shadow. We had a laugh today, and you know it.

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-I turned the lights off - get over it!

-He might be your best mate, but he's an idiot.

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-Well, that was fun. You're on red.

-Stop it.

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-She can't break up Joke Club! Who does she think she is?

-She's me girlfriend.

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She's scared of t'dark. You shouldn't have turned the lights off.

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Well, actually, Sam, I hadn't even considered the Lyme disease

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before you just mentioned it, so thank you very much for that.

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You can go now... No, Sam, hang on.

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(The door to the spare room's open.)

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A-ha! It's fine. It's empty.

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Oh, yeah. Your mother's quite mad.

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Yes, of course. I'll make myself a nice hot cup of tea.

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Thank you very much, Sam.

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All right take care. Bye-bye.

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Sorry.

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I know.

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I told him...

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Good.

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I'm going to the loo.

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You can make tea, as penance.

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-Yes, boss!

-You better believe it.

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-No rest for the wicked! Time to get up!

-What are you doing?

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Taking control! For I have known them all already, known them all.

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The evenings, mornings and afternoons,

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-measured out my life with coffee spoons.

-You're nuts!

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And you're in need of fresh air! That's better.

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-What d'you want?

-I've made a decision.

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Yeah?

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-You can't leave Joke Club.

-Move on. I have.

-Debatable.

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I wouldn't be doing my job as a founder member

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if I let you walk away.

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If I did, you'd end up

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in a monotonous cycle of meaningless, afternoon sex.

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Keeps me happy. And it's not meaningless.

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Touching(!)

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And that's the other thing.

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Are you going to choose Sophie over me?

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I'm not choosing anybody over anybody. Stop being a freak.

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What if you had to make a choice?

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It's not going to happen!

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I wouldn't be so sure.

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What's that?

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Andy!

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That...is decision time.

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MOBILE RINGS

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-Hello?

-'They didn't take the recycling.'

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-'You said.'

-But, actually, they did.

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Then someone else put other stuff in there,

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and I don't drink Chardonnay, Patrick.

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'So, what were you doing in the house?'

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I, er, came up to look at houses for the move next year.

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It was, it was all really last-minute and, um...

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That's bull, Patrick.

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LINE GOES DEAD

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It was on the toilet roll. I had no idea. Until the tingling started.

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And now this...rash.

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And your boyfriend did this, you say?

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I don't know.

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-Well, you're fine.

-Really?

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Yep. Mild reaction. Hydrocortisone cream will sort it out in no time.

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-I'll write you a prescription.

-Thanks.

-No worries.

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Your boyfriend's out there, is he?

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Yeah.

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Leave him to me.

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I'll look forward to that, Grace.

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See you soon.

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That was Grace.

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Jack, you're supposed to be helping me!

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MOBILE RINGS

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Oh, this is never-ending!

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Hi, Grace.

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Sarah!

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It's Sarah. Of course it's you!

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No, I was only joking.

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Grace...is a friend of, er, my sister, Immie,

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who I'm giving a driving lesson to right now, that's all.

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I'd love to meet you.

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An hour and a half, by the bench. Great.

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Chocolate'd be nice.

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Me, too. Bye.

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She's getting me a milkshake.

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Oh, pathetic!

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-Thought I handled that quite well.

-Oh! And you got a date.

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I got a date, in an hour and a half, by the bench, with Sarah.

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At the same time, and on the same bench

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as you just agreed to meet Grace!

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What?!

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ENGINE STARTS, GEARS GRIND

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Ah! This is impossible!

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You're telling me!

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-Clingfilm?

-Yeah, did that, as well.

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Great thing is, whatever we did, nobody knew it was us.

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We'd leave the card and disappear.

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Everybody wanted to be part of it, the secret club.

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But it were only ever three of us.

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-I didn't do it.

-Not me you need to convince, mate.

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-I know.

-MOBILE RINGS

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-Mum?

-Soph, wait.

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Do you know how humiliating that was? How stupid I felt?

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You know I'd never do that. I'd never do that to anyone.

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Promise?

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Yeah, I swear.

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Itchy and Scratchy! How's it going?

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You take things too far. Apologise, then we're done.

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calm down. What are you on about?

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The itching powder.

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Rewind a bit, mate. I knew about it, but it was your idea.

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You said she'd get it. I had nothing to do with it.

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-Great prank, Soph, you must admit.

-What's he saying?

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Tell her you're lying!

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"I'm lying". If it helps. And I came up with the shower prank.

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Because it's me who has a girlfriend I don't know how to get rid of.

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-What?

-Stop it!

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Mate! I'll do whatever you want me to.

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But this isn't what we discussed. Just make a decision.

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-A decision?

-You or me.

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That's what we talked about, in your bedroom, isn't it?

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No!

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I, I didn't. I promise, Soph.

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Another promise?

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You two deserve each other.

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Soph!

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It's over!

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Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?

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-You take things too far!

-Uh!

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-Oi!

-You're twisted!

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You all right, mate?

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He really doesn't know how to take a joke, does he?

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'I don't know.'

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Come on, you must have a favourite.

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Which do you like best?

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I don't know! They've both got their pluses and minuses.

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-It's hard to choose.

-Right, well, make a list.

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What is it with women and lists?

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What is it with men and decisions?

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Right.

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I need categories.

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What?

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Traits that we can measure against each other.

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We top up the totals, and whoever's got the most, then you keep,

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and the other, you let go of.

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You get it?

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Yeah. It's like Top Trumps without cars.

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-Exactly.

-Genius!

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Look, the result has to be binding.

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I know it's perverse, but I'm doing it as much for them as I am for you.

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Deal?

0:12:160:12:18

Deal.

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OK. So, so far I've got wit, intelligence, looks, legs,

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GSOH, Good Sense Of Humour.

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What about GIB? Good in bed!

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Ugh! Too much information!

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If you're going to do a job, you may as well do it properly.

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If you're going down that route, then DTYWTYM.

0:12:380:12:41

-What is that?

-Does Things You Wouldn't Tell Your Mum!

0:12:410:12:44

Nice! I like it!

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If any of this ever gets outside of this car, I will kill you.

0:12:450:12:48

Understand?

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OK. So how about SCAS?

0:12:490:12:53

THEY CHORTLE

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KNOCKING AT DOOR

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KNOCKING RESUMES, LOUDER

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-I don't want to see you.

-Too late, you've seen me.

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-What's this?

-A letter?

0:13:100:13:12

I haven't got time for nonsense. It's from Andy.

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Saying that he can't live without me, and he's going to kill himself.

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What I need to know is, is it just another of your tasteless pranks,

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which I am really hoping it is at this point,

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or am I going to have to ring his Mum and tell her

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I just broke up with him, and he's killed himself?

0:13:280:13:30

Sophie, I didn't...

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Help, I can't open it.

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Andy! No!

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He's not breathing! Help me, Josh! What do I do?

0:13:400:13:43

-I... I...

-Andy, please. Don't do this!

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Soph, save him. Sophie, save him! Please save him!

0:13:470:13:50

Call an ambulance. Josh! Help!

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Find out what pills he took.

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The pills! Please!

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THEY GUFFAW

0:14:000:14:03

Look at you! Talc, you Muppet!

0:14:030:14:07

"Oh, save him! Save him, save him!" DERISIVE LAUGHTER

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Don't mess with me.

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LAUGHTER RESUMES

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What are the scores on the doors?

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Hold on. Is that a seven or a nine?

0:14:210:14:23

-What category?

-Grace. Bum.

-Nine.

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-Nine. Of course it's a nine!

-So?

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Hang on.

0:14:290:14:31

-I don't believe this.

-What?

0:14:310:14:34

It's a draw! All of that, and it's a flippin' draw?

0:14:340:14:37

How am I supposed to choose now?

0:14:370:14:39

I don't know, but make up your mind, quick.

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Why?

0:14:410:14:42

What are you playing at?

0:14:450:14:47

-I'm bargaining with you.

-What?!

0:14:470:14:48

-I want ten free driving lessons, please.

-Don't be stupid.

0:14:480:14:52

OK, OK! I'll give you six.

0:14:520:14:55

I'll settle for eight.

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Done. Now will you just drive past them?

0:14:560:14:58

No way. I'm enjoying this and besides, you've fannied those two poor girls around for too long!

0:14:580:15:03

Now decide, now.

0:15:030:15:05

-I'm going to get you back for this.

-I am doing you a favour.

0:15:050:15:08

I'm sorting this mess out. Trust me.

0:15:080:15:12

-Which one's a keeper?

-Grace.

0:15:120:15:15

No, Sarah. No, no, no, Grace.

0:15:150:15:18

Oh, Grace it is! I'll deal with Sarah.

0:15:180:15:21

Er, Sarah?

0:15:280:15:30

Hi. I've got a message for you. Will you come with me?

0:15:300:15:34

Yeah, sure.

0:15:340:15:36

Oh, no, no, no, noooo.

0:15:420:15:44

Excuse me, do you know him?

0:15:440:15:47

Yeah, why?

0:15:470:15:48

Has he arranged to meet you here today?

0:15:480:15:50

-Yes.

-He's arranged to meet me here as well.

-I had no idea.

0:15:500:15:56

Your fault.

0:16:070:16:08

You know that, right?

0:16:080:16:10

First sign of madness, that.

0:16:100:16:12

Second sign is Suggs coming up your garden path.

0:16:120:16:14

Never mind. Can I sit?

0:16:160:16:19

Who's that?

0:16:220:16:23

My brother, Callum.

0:16:230:16:25

-A student?

-Five years ago, he was.

0:16:250:16:28

-Yeah, came here.

-Oh, really?

0:16:280:16:30

Yeah. Look, that's the Uni bar.

0:16:300:16:33

He's the reason I ended up here.

0:16:330:16:35

-What's up, then?

-I messed up.

0:16:370:16:40

Andy?

0:16:400:16:42

Bet it's not as bad as you think.

0:16:420:16:46

Apologise, it always works wonders.

0:16:460:16:48

Trust me, I'm an expert.

0:16:480:16:50

It won't work.

0:16:500:16:52

I went too far.

0:16:520:16:54

What would he do?

0:16:540:16:56

You're right.

0:17:040:17:07

Thanks.

0:17:070:17:09

Uh! No worries.

0:17:090:17:11

-Trust me, you said.

-That's not what I meant.

0:17:120:17:15

This is your fault. I don't have a girlfriend. I had two! They were lovely, and now I don't have one.

0:17:150:17:20

-You can't blame me for everything!

-Oh, shut up, Immie.

0:17:200:17:23

-And you can stick your driving lessons.

-Fine!

0:17:230:17:25

I was going to get proper lessons anyway, because I actually want to pass my test.

0:17:250:17:29

Get lost.

0:17:290:17:31

-Where are you going?

-For a pint.

-You can't leave me here with the car! What'll Dad say?

0:17:310:17:35

Like I said. Your fault.

0:17:350:17:36

I'm working.

0:17:420:17:43

You're not, you're moping.

0:17:430:17:46

You've been on that sentence for 20 minutes.

0:17:460:17:50

-I feel bad.

-Stop it. He deserved it.

0:17:520:17:55

COMPUTER BLEEPS

0:17:550:17:57

Hang on, it's Josh.

0:17:570:18:00

Oh, course it is.

0:18:000:18:03

Go away, Josh, we're not interested.

0:18:030:18:05

Hang on.

0:18:050:18:07

Guys, it's me.

0:18:070:18:10

Sorry for doing this on the web, but, er, I couldn't face you.

0:18:100:18:15

I owe you an apology, and an explanation.

0:18:150:18:19

I want you to meet someone.

0:18:190:18:21

This is my brother, Callum.

0:18:230:18:26

You didn't know I had a brother, did you?

0:18:260:18:28

Don't worry, not many people do. He's a family secret.

0:18:280:18:32

He was on the same course as us, Andy. Right here, at Letherbridge.

0:18:320:18:36

He never got to finish it.

0:18:360:18:38

He, er, hung himself, from his door handle.

0:18:380:18:42

Mum said it was because he was depressed. I don't know. I was 13.

0:18:420:18:48

Ah, listen to me! Rabbit, rabbit.

0:18:480:18:51

I just, I wanted to explain to you both, er, it's no excuse,

0:18:510:18:58

but...I'm sorry.

0:18:580:19:00

Really. Sophie, I'm so sorry. I was out of line.

0:19:000:19:05

You're the best friends I've got at Uni.

0:19:050:19:07

I didn't know what to do, but then that doctor gave me an idea and...

0:19:070:19:14

Don't forget me. Promise.

0:19:180:19:21

I feel sick.

0:19:250:19:28

I had no idea.

0:19:280:19:31

-I never would have suggested...

-No, I know. It's all right.

0:19:310:19:35

No, it's not. Didn't you see the rope?

0:19:350:19:40

-This is another joke, right?

-I swear. What did you tell him?

0:19:400:19:44

-I told him to do what his brother would do.

-No!

0:19:440:19:47

-What?

-His brother killed himself when he was a student.

0:19:470:19:50

If this is another joke, it stops now. I mean it.

0:19:500:19:53

It's not. I remember. It was a really big news story.

0:19:530:19:56

-What do we do?

-What do we do?

0:19:560:19:59

Find him.

0:20:010:20:03

-What are you going to do?

-Call the police.

0:20:030:20:05

Kevin...

0:20:060:20:08

# You wake up to the sound of alarms

0:20:080:20:12

# When you're driving

0:20:120:20:15

# Your fabulous car

0:20:150:20:17

# Listening to the music that reminds you

0:20:180:20:24

# You used to be young

0:20:240:20:27

# You used to be young

0:20:270:20:30

# And now you're searching for a sign with your name... #

0:20:300:20:33

He's not here. Let's split up. I'm going this way. I'm on my mobile!

0:20:330:20:39

# What will you do when there's nothing left

0:20:390:20:45

# For you to earn and for you to learn

0:20:460:20:50

# So dose me up Once is not enough

0:20:500:20:55

# I can still see the ground

0:20:550:20:58

# And from this high rise looking down on you... #

0:20:580:21:04

Hey.

0:21:040:21:05

Hey, it's you, isn't it?

0:21:050:21:06

# I'm not the one wasting my time

0:21:060:21:09

# And every culture has its own magazine

0:21:090:21:15

# And information takes the place of your dreams

0:21:150:21:20

# Finding ways to fill up the silence. #

0:21:200:21:25

I'm sorry.

0:21:250:21:27

# But it's all that you need Turn on your TV

0:21:270:21:31

# And dose me up Once is not enough. #

0:21:310:21:37

The car accident wasn't a one-off.

0:22:140:22:16

It's been going on for some time.

0:22:160:22:19

She didn't mean anything.

0:22:190:22:22

-It was just sex.

-Oh, Patrick, don't treat me like an idiot.

0:22:240:22:29

You lied to me. I believed you, and you lied to me.

0:22:290:22:33

-You've been using my house, my bed.

-The spare bed!

0:22:330:22:37

Mum, what are you doing?

0:22:400:22:41

I'm not having you treat Sally the way your father treated me.

0:22:410:22:44

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

0:22:440:22:46

Mum, you make that call and my marriage is finished.

0:22:460:22:50

Yeah, and if that happens, Sally will make sure your relationship with Chloe is over.

0:22:500:22:55

'Hello?'

0:22:550:22:56

Hello, sweetie.

0:22:560:22:59

Nardee! I've just had a bath, my hair's all wet.

0:22:590:23:01

-Oh, is it?

-'Yes. Daddy's in big trouble.'

0:23:010:23:05

Oh, dear, is he?

0:23:050:23:06

Yes. Today was supposed to be swimming, but he didn't take me

0:23:060:23:10

'because he had to go to his friend's house who is poorly.

0:23:100:23:13

'I guess it wasn't his fault. Mummy took me anyway.'

0:23:130:23:17

We had chips.

0:23:170:23:19

'Do you want to speak to her?'

0:23:190:23:21

No. No, no, sweetie, it's OK.

0:23:220:23:25

I'll speak to her tomorrow. Just rang to say night-night to you.

0:23:250:23:28

OK, night night, Nardee.

0:23:280:23:30

Night night, my beautiful girl.

0:23:300:23:32

Thank you.

0:23:350:23:36

Get out, Patrick.

0:23:390:23:40

Out.

0:23:420:23:44

Josh?

0:23:580:24:00

MUFFLED SOBBING

0:24:070:24:10

SHE SCREAMS

0:24:510:24:53

DOOR SLAMS

0:24:530:24:55

SHE CRIES AND SHOUTS

0:24:550:24:57

-Well?

-Nothing.

0:25:010:25:02

-What about Sophie?

-Can't get hold of her.

-Come on! He's got to be here somewhere. Keep looking.

0:25:020:25:07

-All right, you two?

-Where've you been? We've been looking for you.

-Snap!

0:25:070:25:11

I've been looking for you. All right, Doctor Tyler.

0:25:110:25:14

Look, where've you been?!

0:25:140:25:15

-Sorting stuff. What's wrong?

-We thought you were going to kill yourself.

0:25:150:25:19

HE CHUCKLES

0:25:190:25:21

-You're being serious?

-Yeah, we've been looking for you everywhere.

0:25:230:25:26

-I didn't mean to upset anyone.

-The video.

0:25:260:25:28

We thought it were a suicide note.

0:25:280:25:30

We thought you took the doc's advice about your brother.

0:25:300:25:34

I did. But Callum would never have told me to hurt myself.

0:25:340:25:36

He would've told me to leave, get out. Which I'm doing.

0:25:360:25:40

-You're leaving?

-In the morning. Early. I've already packed.

0:25:400:25:45

University's not for me, certainly not this one.

0:25:460:25:48

I was stupid to come here.

0:25:480:25:50

Look, it's been, er, a weird day, but it's my last night.

0:25:500:25:55

-Do you want a drink?

-If you get 'em in.

-I'll get 'em in.

0:25:550:25:59

-It's good to see you're safe.

-Thanks.

0:25:590:26:01

-Oh.

-What?

-Police! I forgot. I better call them.

0:26:010:26:04

-I'm so sorry, mate.

-Don't.

0:26:090:26:11

I had no idea about your brother.

0:26:110:26:13

The prank with the pills, it were out of order.

0:26:130:26:15

Hey, it's done, finished.

0:26:150:26:17

-In fact, I want to thank you.

-What for?

-You and Sophie.

0:26:170:26:20

You made me realise that I take things too far. Where is she?

0:26:200:26:23

-I don't know. I can't get hold of her.

-She'll turn up. When she does, give her my love.

0:26:230:26:27

BLEEPING

0:26:400:26:42

SHE SCREAMS

0:26:440:26:47

I'd be willing to turn a blind eye if you shout me a nice lazy lunch.

0:26:570:27:02

-Thanks.

-We can have a proper chat.

0:27:020:27:06

Maybe a bit of Carla and Vince time for afters.

0:27:060:27:10

-Have you got a new boyfriend? Where did you meet?

-Well, we go way back.

0:27:100:27:14

-I didn't know you still wore this.

-I still like it.

0:27:140:27:19

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