Joke Club Doctors

# There's blood in the streets, it's up to my thigh...

# There's blood on the streets... #

-KNOCK AT CUBICLE DOOR

-Hello?

Sally, is that you?

Who is it?

Get a life!

SHE SHRIEKS

SHE GASPS

Idiots!

No, please.

Please. Please don't. Please!

Please! Don't!

Anyway, it was half a mile high!

It is the tallest building in the world, Mum.

I know, but it's no place to have dinner.

'It nearly put me off my prawn cocktail!'

Oh, they've forgotten the recycling.

-You can't get the staff these days.

-Tell me about it.

-Oh.

-'What?'

-I left a lamp on.

-You are getting on a bit.

-Oh, thanks very much, Patrick(!)

Have you got anyone else to go and annoy?

Actually, I've got Thomas Addington waiting outside my door.

'What's poor Thomas done?'

He got caught telling a lie. Didn't you, Thomas?

-You can come in now.

-Well, go easy on him.

I will. And I'm glad you're back safe, Mum.

-Thank you, darling, bye.

-'Bye.'

'Jack? Come on!'

I'm sure you're aware that, legally,

Jack shouldn't really take you out.

What?

The law says you have to be over 21 to teach someone to drive.

Bit late for that now, isn't it?

It's my only option since you and mum bailed on me.

-I won't get involved in all that again.

-He's late. Where is he?

He's tired. He's been burning the candle at both ends.

I know exactly what he's been doing.

I don't care. I want my driving lesson!

Here he is, Casanova.

Neanderthals!

-How can you bear to sit in the car with me?

-I'll manage(!)

OK, let's get it over with. See you later.

Look after my car!

WORKMEN WOLF-WHISTLE

I'd rather kill myself.

Andy. Where are you?

PHONE BEEPS

Damn!

Whoa! Watch out, you stupid girl!

Haven't you got eyes?

Unbelievable!

And perfectly formed.

What?!

Will you move on from the blatant sexism?

It's not big, it's not clever, and you look like an idiot.

Women don't even like it.

Frankly, don't you think you've got enough on your plate?

Wow. That adrenaline's really kicked in.

-My point stands.

-Fair do's.

-Better?

-I think so.

You are right. I thought it'd be peachy, having two girls on the go.

But it's nothing but confusing.

Last night, I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I mean it!

I really like both of them.

Really like them. Don't know what I'm going to do.

Well, thank you for sharing that.

But now I need to do a three point turn.

First rule of Joke Club.

Members don't get pranked.

Second rule is "expect the unexpected".

-Your rule, you should know.

-Shut up.

You turned the lights off. Left me in the dark.

I didn't...

-I was in the dark.

-Sorry.

It was me!

Of course it was you! Have you told him?

-Told me what?

-Tell him.

-What?

-Joke Club is over. Finished.

-Yeah, right(!)

We discussed it. We decided it was fun for a couple of months, but...

-You can't decide that.

-I didn't.

Andy?

-We're not freshers any more.

-Grow some...

-Get stuffed.

Come out of her shadow. We had a laugh today, and you know it.

-I turned the lights off - get over it!

-He might be your best mate, but he's an idiot.

-Well, that was fun. You're on red.

-Stop it.

-She can't break up Joke Club! Who does she think she is?

-She's me girlfriend.

She's scared of t'dark. You shouldn't have turned the lights off.

Well, actually, Sam, I hadn't even considered the Lyme disease

before you just mentioned it, so thank you very much for that.

You can go now... No, Sam, hang on.

(The door to the spare room's open.)

A-ha! It's fine. It's empty.

Oh, yeah. Your mother's quite mad.

Yes, of course. I'll make myself a nice hot cup of tea.

Thank you very much, Sam.

All right take care. Bye-bye.

Sorry.

I know.

I told him...

Good.

I'm going to the loo.

You can make tea, as penance.

-Yes, boss!

-You better believe it.

-No rest for the wicked! Time to get up!

-What are you doing?

Taking control! For I have known them all already, known them all.

The evenings, mornings and afternoons,

-measured out my life with coffee spoons.

-You're nuts!

And you're in need of fresh air! That's better.

-What d'you want?

-I've made a decision.

Yeah?

-You can't leave Joke Club.

-Move on. I have.

-Debatable.

I wouldn't be doing my job as a founder member

if I let you walk away.

If I did, you'd end up

in a monotonous cycle of meaningless, afternoon sex.

Keeps me happy. And it's not meaningless.

Touching(!)

And that's the other thing.

Are you going to choose Sophie over me?

I'm not choosing anybody over anybody. Stop being a freak.

What if you had to make a choice?

It's not going to happen!

I wouldn't be so sure.

What's that?

Andy!

That...is decision time.

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello?

-'They didn't take the recycling.'

-'You said.'

-But, actually, they did.

Then someone else put other stuff in there,

and I don't drink Chardonnay, Patrick.

'So, what were you doing in the house?'

I, er, came up to look at houses for the move next year.

It was, it was all really last-minute and, um...

That's bull, Patrick.

LINE GOES DEAD

It was on the toilet roll. I had no idea. Until the tingling started.

And now this...rash.

And your boyfriend did this, you say?

I don't know.

-Well, you're fine.

-Really?

Yep. Mild reaction. Hydrocortisone cream will sort it out in no time.

-I'll write you a prescription.

-Thanks.

-No worries.

Your boyfriend's out there, is he?

Yeah.

Leave him to me.

I'll look forward to that, Grace.

See you soon.

That was Grace.

Jack, you're supposed to be helping me!

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, this is never-ending!

Hi, Grace.

Sarah!

It's Sarah. Of course it's you!

No, I was only joking.

Grace...is a friend of, er, my sister, Immie,

who I'm giving a driving lesson to right now, that's all.

I'd love to meet you.

An hour and a half, by the bench. Great.

Chocolate'd be nice.

Me, too. Bye.

She's getting me a milkshake.

Oh, pathetic!

-Thought I handled that quite well.

-Oh! And you got a date.

I got a date, in an hour and a half, by the bench, with Sarah.

At the same time, and on the same bench

as you just agreed to meet Grace!

What?!

ENGINE STARTS, GEARS GRIND

Ah! This is impossible!

You're telling me!

-Clingfilm?

-Yeah, did that, as well.

Great thing is, whatever we did, nobody knew it was us.

We'd leave the card and disappear.

Everybody wanted to be part of it, the secret club.

But it were only ever three of us.

-I didn't do it.

-Not me you need to convince, mate.

-I know.

-MOBILE RINGS

-Mum?

-Soph, wait.

Do you know how humiliating that was? How stupid I felt?

You know I'd never do that. I'd never do that to anyone.

Promise?

Yeah, I swear.

Itchy and Scratchy! How's it going?

You take things too far. Apologise, then we're done.

calm down. What are you on about?

The itching powder.

Rewind a bit, mate. I knew about it, but it was your idea.

You said she'd get it. I had nothing to do with it.

-Great prank, Soph, you must admit.

-What's he saying?

Tell her you're lying!

"I'm lying". If it helps. And I came up with the shower prank.

Because it's me who has a girlfriend I don't know how to get rid of.

-What?

-Stop it!

Mate! I'll do whatever you want me to.

But this isn't what we discussed. Just make a decision.

-A decision?

-You or me.

That's what we talked about, in your bedroom, isn't it?

No!

I, I didn't. I promise, Soph.

Another promise?

You two deserve each other.

Soph!

It's over!

Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?

-You take things too far!

-Uh!

-Oi!

-You're twisted!

You all right, mate?

He really doesn't know how to take a joke, does he?

'I don't know.'

Come on, you must have a favourite.

Which do you like best?

I don't know! They've both got their pluses and minuses.

-It's hard to choose.

-Right, well, make a list.

What is it with women and lists?

What is it with men and decisions?

Right.

I need categories.

What?

Traits that we can measure against each other.

We top up the totals, and whoever's got the most, then you keep,

and the other, you let go of.

You get it?

Yeah. It's like Top Trumps without cars.

-Exactly.

-Genius!

Look, the result has to be binding.

I know it's perverse, but I'm doing it as much for them as I am for you.

Deal?

Deal.

OK. So, so far I've got wit, intelligence, looks, legs,

GSOH, Good Sense Of Humour.

What about GIB? Good in bed!

Ugh! Too much information!

If you're going to do a job, you may as well do it properly.

If you're going down that route, then DTYWTYM.

-What is that?

-Does Things You Wouldn't Tell Your Mum!

Nice! I like it!

If any of this ever gets outside of this car, I will kill you.

Understand?

OK. So how about SCAS?

THEY CHORTLE

KNOCKING AT DOOR

KNOCKING RESUMES, LOUDER

-I don't want to see you.

-Too late, you've seen me.

-What's this?

-A letter?

I haven't got time for nonsense. It's from Andy.

Saying that he can't live without me, and he's going to kill himself.

What I need to know is, is it just another of your tasteless pranks,

which I am really hoping it is at this point,

or am I going to have to ring his Mum and tell her

I just broke up with him, and he's killed himself?

Sophie, I didn't...

Help, I can't open it.

Andy! No!

He's not breathing! Help me, Josh! What do I do?

-I... I...

-Andy, please. Don't do this!

Soph, save him. Sophie, save him! Please save him!

Call an ambulance. Josh! Help!

Find out what pills he took.

The pills! Please!

THEY GUFFAW

Look at you! Talc, you Muppet!

"Oh, save him! Save him, save him!" DERISIVE LAUGHTER

Don't mess with me.

LAUGHTER RESUMES

What are the scores on the doors?

Hold on. Is that a seven or a nine?

-What category?

-Grace. Bum.

-Nine.

-Nine. Of course it's a nine!

-So?

Hang on.

-I don't believe this.

-What?

It's a draw! All of that, and it's a flippin' draw?

How am I supposed to choose now?

I don't know, but make up your mind, quick.

Why?

What are you playing at?

-I'm bargaining with you.

-What?!

-I want ten free driving lessons, please.

-Don't be stupid.

OK, OK! I'll give you six.

I'll settle for eight.

Done. Now will you just drive past them?

No way. I'm enjoying this and besides, you've fannied those two poor girls around for too long!

Now decide, now.

-I'm going to get you back for this.

-I am doing you a favour.

I'm sorting this mess out. Trust me.

-Which one's a keeper?

-Grace.

No, Sarah. No, no, no, Grace.

Oh, Grace it is! I'll deal with Sarah.

Er, Sarah?

Hi. I've got a message for you. Will you come with me?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, no, no, no, noooo.

Excuse me, do you know him?

Yeah, why?

Has he arranged to meet you here today?

-Yes.

-He's arranged to meet me here as well.

-I had no idea.

Your fault.

You know that, right?

First sign of madness, that.

Second sign is Suggs coming up your garden path.

Never mind. Can I sit?

Who's that?

My brother, Callum.

-A student?

-Five years ago, he was.

-Yeah, came here.

-Oh, really?

Yeah. Look, that's the Uni bar.

He's the reason I ended up here.

-What's up, then?

-I messed up.

Andy?

Bet it's not as bad as you think.

Apologise, it always works wonders.

Trust me, I'm an expert.

It won't work.

I went too far.

What would he do?

You're right.

Thanks.

Uh! No worries.

-Trust me, you said.

-That's not what I meant.

This is your fault. I don't have a girlfriend. I had two! They were lovely, and now I don't have one.

-You can't blame me for everything!

-Oh, shut up, Immie.

-And you can stick your driving lessons.

-Fine!

I was going to get proper lessons anyway, because I actually want to pass my test.

Get lost.

-Where are you going?

-For a pint.

-You can't leave me here with the car! What'll Dad say?

Like I said. Your fault.

I'm working.

You're not, you're moping.

You've been on that sentence for 20 minutes.

-I feel bad.

-Stop it. He deserved it.

COMPUTER BLEEPS

Hang on, it's Josh.

Oh, course it is.

Go away, Josh, we're not interested.

Hang on.

Guys, it's me.

Sorry for doing this on the web, but, er, I couldn't face you.

I owe you an apology, and an explanation.

I want you to meet someone.

This is my brother, Callum.

You didn't know I had a brother, did you?

Don't worry, not many people do. He's a family secret.

He was on the same course as us, Andy. Right here, at Letherbridge.

He never got to finish it.

He, er, hung himself, from his door handle.

Mum said it was because he was depressed. I don't know. I was 13.

Ah, listen to me! Rabbit, rabbit.

I just, I wanted to explain to you both, er, it's no excuse,

but...I'm sorry.

Really. Sophie, I'm so sorry. I was out of line.

You're the best friends I've got at Uni.

I didn't know what to do, but then that doctor gave me an idea and...

Don't forget me. Promise.

I feel sick.

I had no idea.

-I never would have suggested...

-No, I know. It's all right.

No, it's not. Didn't you see the rope?

-This is another joke, right?

-I swear. What did you tell him?

-I told him to do what his brother would do.

-No!

-What?

-His brother killed himself when he was a student.

If this is another joke, it stops now. I mean it.

It's not. I remember. It was a really big news story.

-What do we do?

-What do we do?

Find him.

-What are you going to do?

-Call the police.

Kevin...

# You wake up to the sound of alarms

# When you're driving

# Your fabulous car

# Listening to the music that reminds you

# You used to be young

# You used to be young

# And now you're searching for a sign with your name... #

He's not here. Let's split up. I'm going this way. I'm on my mobile!

# What will you do when there's nothing left

# For you to earn and for you to learn

# So dose me up Once is not enough

# I can still see the ground

# And from this high rise looking down on you... #

Hey.

Hey, it's you, isn't it?

# I'm not the one wasting my time

# And every culture has its own magazine

# And information takes the place of your dreams

# Finding ways to fill up the silence. #

I'm sorry.

# But it's all that you need Turn on your TV

# And dose me up Once is not enough. #

The car accident wasn't a one-off.

It's been going on for some time.

She didn't mean anything.

-It was just sex.

-Oh, Patrick, don't treat me like an idiot.

You lied to me. I believed you, and you lied to me.

-You've been using my house, my bed.

-The spare bed!

Mum, what are you doing?

I'm not having you treat Sally the way your father treated me.

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Mum, you make that call and my marriage is finished.

Yeah, and if that happens, Sally will make sure your relationship with Chloe is over.

'Hello?'

Hello, sweetie.

Nardee! I've just had a bath, my hair's all wet.

-Oh, is it?

-'Yes. Daddy's in big trouble.'

Oh, dear, is he?

Yes. Today was supposed to be swimming, but he didn't take me

'because he had to go to his friend's house who is poorly.

'I guess it wasn't his fault. Mummy took me anyway.'

We had chips.

'Do you want to speak to her?'

No. No, no, sweetie, it's OK.

I'll speak to her tomorrow. Just rang to say night-night to you.

OK, night night, Nardee.

Night night, my beautiful girl.

Thank you.

Get out, Patrick.

Out.

Josh?

MUFFLED SOBBING

SHE SCREAMS

DOOR SLAMS

SHE CRIES AND SHOUTS

-Well?

-Nothing.

-What about Sophie?

-Can't get hold of her.

-Come on! He's got to be here somewhere. Keep looking.

-All right, you two?

-Where've you been? We've been looking for you.

-Snap!

I've been looking for you. All right, Doctor Tyler.

Look, where've you been?!

-Sorting stuff. What's wrong?

-We thought you were going to kill yourself.

HE CHUCKLES

-You're being serious?

-Yeah, we've been looking for you everywhere.

-I didn't mean to upset anyone.

-The video.

We thought it were a suicide note.

We thought you took the doc's advice about your brother.

I did. But Callum would never have told me to hurt myself.

He would've told me to leave, get out. Which I'm doing.

-You're leaving?

-In the morning. Early. I've already packed.

University's not for me, certainly not this one.

I was stupid to come here.

Look, it's been, er, a weird day, but it's my last night.

-Do you want a drink?

-If you get 'em in.

-I'll get 'em in.

-It's good to see you're safe.

-Thanks.

-Oh.

-What?

-Police! I forgot. I better call them.

-I'm so sorry, mate.

-Don't.

I had no idea about your brother.

The prank with the pills, it were out of order.

Hey, it's done, finished.

-In fact, I want to thank you.

-What for?

-You and Sophie.

You made me realise that I take things too far. Where is she?

-I don't know. I can't get hold of her.

-She'll turn up. When she does, give her my love.

BLEEPING

SHE SCREAMS

I'd be willing to turn a blind eye if you shout me a nice lazy lunch.

-Thanks.

-We can have a proper chat.

Maybe a bit of Carla and Vince time for afters.

-Have you got a new boyfriend? Where did you meet?

-Well, we go way back.

-I didn't know you still wore this.

-I still like it.

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